Ultimate Desperate Housewives

Episode 03.10 - "The Miracle Song"

Mary Alice: "The annual block party was a winter tradition on Wisteria Lane. It was a way for the residents to spread holiday cheer. Everyone was invited, including Art Shepard, the newest resident of Wisteria Lane. But as the big night drew near, more than holiday cheer was being spread around. By Sunday evening, most of the gossiping had subsided, and the neighborhood was once again consumed by the spirit of the season. Friends laughed over eggnog, lovers kissed under mistletoe, and the mood was jolly. That is, until a certain guest made his appearance. Yes, for the residents of Wisteria Lane, it was the most wonderful time of the year. But for Arthur Shepard and his sister, it had turned out to be a very silent night."

Susan: "You have to kiss me. It's the law."

Susan: "I assume this means they know about me?"
Ian: "But of course."
Susan: "And they know about me as in" (in a bad British accent) "Mum, Dad, bloody good news. I've got myself a smashing new girlfriend."
Ian: "That's adorable. Please don't do it in front of them."

Susan: "Ian, haven't you ever wondered why I've never cooked for you?"
Ian: "I just assumed that you were lazy."
Susan: "I wish. My cooking is not good."
Ian: "Well, my parents won't be expecting a gourmet meal."
Susan: "Will they be expecting stomach cramps, acid reflux, night sweats?"

Ian: " Now nothing elaborate. Just a simple roast and, uh, and something appropriate to go with it."
Susan: "Right...like an ambulance."

Vern: "Poor thing, she tries so hard."
Gabrielle: "Yeah, she's a trooper. Let's dump her."

Vern: "How will I tell her family?"
Gabrielle: "We'll do it together. We'll be very diplomatic."
Vern: "Are you sure about this? The poor kid's been through the wringer and—"
Gabrielle: "Amy! For God sakes, Little Miss Snowflake does not scratch down there!"
Vern: "Well, then again, her mother died a year ago. How long is she gonna milk it?"

Bree: "What are you watching?"
Gloria: "Home movies."
Bree: "It's fun looking back at the past, isn't it?"
Gloria: "Well, it's one way to kill time while you're waiting for death."
Bree: "We also have cable."

Bree: "It's not that easy. I love him."
Gloria: "You'll get over it. I did."

Susan: "So I'm cooking dinner for Ian's parents tomorrow night, and it's the first time I'm meeting them, so I sort of wanna impress them."
Bree: "And yet you're cooking?"

Susan: "What's going on?"
Mrs. McCluskey: "They just arrested Mike for murder."
Susan: "What?!"
Mrs. McCluskey: "They're saying he killed that woman on the news, that Monique person."
Bree: "Oh, thank God!"

Vern: "Well, when it comes to performing, she's not exactly...well, she tends to be...feel free to jump in."
Gabrielle: "I have no idea where you're going with this."
Vern: "Well, as Gaby and I discussed, Amy has certain limitations and her odds of winning are slim."
Gabrielle: "Vern! He is so competitive. I constantly have to remind him they're just kids. When did you lose the joy?"
Vern: "Oh, I think you know."

Edie: "I don't know if you picked up on this, Mike, but...I haven't been happy."
Mike: "No, I didn't pick up on it."
Edie: "Well, I wanted to tell you this weeks ago, and I wish that I had, because now I know you're gonna think that I'm breaking up with you over this whole blood on the ax thing."
Mike: "Wrench."
Edie: "Whatever. But believe me, that's not it. It's just...we are moving too fast."
Mike: "What are you trying to say?"
Edie: "Well, maybe we should just take a break. You know, date other people."
Mike: "You're telling me this on the day I'm put in a men's prison?"
Edie: "Well, I said the timing was bad. I am sorry. I, I really am. I just can't do this."

Susan: "Is Edie getting you a good lawyer?"
Mike: "I doubt it. She dumped me today."
Susan: "What? Why?"
Mike: "Well, I was arrested for murder."
Susan: "Still. It's tacky."

Ian: "Well, you, uh, you may not be a good cook but you're certainly a tidy one."
Susan: "Don't worry. Dinner's all taken care of. We're having blanquette de veau and a grand marnier soufflé."
Ian: "Well, that's very ambitious of you, and, uh, when will Bree be done making it?"
Susan: "Five-thirty. But I am rewarming it all by myself."

Susan: "What are you saying? You think Mike is guilty?"
Lynette: Hey, why don't we start that girl talk?"
Gabrielle: "I'll get the ball rolling. Anybody have a yeast infection?"
Bree: "They found Monique's blood on the wrench that Mike was trying to dispose of. I mean, that hardly screams innocence."
Susan: "Her teeth were pulled. You don't think that's worth telling the cops she was messing around with a dentist?"

Susan: "If you're so sure that Orson is innocent, why don't we go through his things? Where's his desk?"
Bree: "At his office. And what did you think you'd find there anyway?"
Susan: "I don't know. A blackmail letter, a necklace made of teeth?"

Susan: "Well, I am certainly not playing with a woman that is willing to let Mike take the fall for her psycho husband."
Bree: "Well, needless to say, I won't be cooking dinner for Ian's parents."
Susan: "Fine. I'll cook myself."
Bree: "Good. Let me know if there are any survivors."
Susan: "And if you take Orson back, you do the same."

Gert: "Rita, I want the word "pedophile" to really stand out. Do we have any glitter?"
Mrs. McCluskey: "Say "molester." It sounds scarier."

Gabrielle: "Well, she's your best friend. Why don't you just tell her the truth? She'll understand."
Sherri: "What if she doesn't?"
Gabrielle: "Well, friends come and go, but a crown is forever."

Susan: "You know, Mike barely remembers me. What makes you so sure he would fall in love with me again?"
Ian: "What a perfectly asinine question. How could he not?"

Lynette: "Yep. Go ahead, say it. I know you want to."
Tom: "This is all your fault. You should've listened to me."
Lynette: "I know. But be fair. There is no way I could've anticipated this."
Tom: "You tell people Frankenstein's on the loose, then you're surprised to see the torch-wielding villagers?"

Gloria: "Where are you sending me?"
Bree: "Oh, we've rented you a condo in a lovely retirement community. It's our Christmas gift to you."
Gloria: "So you're exiling me? Cutting me off from my new grandchildren?"
Bree: "That's our gift to them."

Art: "Hey. You know, in a weird way...I should thank you. My sister was...a really wonderful person. She always saw the best in me. But there were things she couldn't see...or chose not to, God love her."
Lynette: "What do you mean?"
Art: "I think you know. See, I always knew that I had to take care of Rebecca, so I could never let myself...slip and do something that would hurt her. But now...I'm free...and all because of you."
Lynette: "You can't stay here."
Art: "Oh, don't worry. I'm already packed."
Lynette: "Where are you going?
Art: "Why, you gonna write? Well, good-bye, Lynette. You take care of that beautiful family of yours."

Mary Alice: "There's a reason people can't wait for Christmas, and it has little to do with family reunions or curling up with a cup of eggnog or that unexpected kiss beneath the mistletoe or receiving a present from that special someone. No, people look forward to Christmas because they know it's a time for miracles."