Ultimate Desperate Housewives

Episode 03.08 - "Children and Art"

Mary Alice: "Karen McCluskey had always believed in helping others, whether they wanted her help or not. Yes, Mrs. McCluskey's helping hand was known throughout Wisteria Lane. But on this day, it was about to get slapped. Yes, Karen McCluskey believed in helping others, which she felt gave her the right to help herself."

Mary Alice: "Each year as part of their fund-raising drive, the Fairview Adventure Scouts would award a shiny new bike to whoever sold the most magazine subscriptions. And each scout would set out utterly convinced the prize would be hers. That's the beauty of youth. Little girls believe anything is possible...that is, until they grow up and get divorced."

Lynette: "I'm gonna make you a cake."
Art: "A cake?"
Lynette: "Yeah. I never make cakes. This is huge."
Art: "In that case, thanks."

Orson: "Christmas carols? It's not even Thanksgiving."
Bree: "I'm starting my cards early this year. It puts me in the mood to spread holiday cheer."
Andrew: "With the pack of lies in this family newsletter, she spreads holiday denial."
Bree: "Andrew, it's etiquette. Nobody wants to read the truth at Christmas."
Orson: "Well said, darling."

Orson: "Bree, I refuse to sit in a room that smells of disinfectant and lime Jell-O, making small talk with a woman who doesn't remember me. Now let it go, damn it. But by all means, do send a card. The elves will tickle her."

Susan: "Okay, I thought the restaurant was fantastic and you were the fussy snob who was impossible to please."
Ian: "Why do I have to be the fussy snob?"
Susan: "Because you're British."
Ian: "Fine. But I trust you'll make it up to me later by doing the things a gentleman expects when he's sprung for lobster."

Susan: "Julie, that boy drinks, he steals, and now I find him mauling you on my couch? That's it. I forbid you to see him."
Julie: "You can't do that. I choose who I date."
Susan: "Yeah? Well, I choose to ground you. Two weeks, baby."
Julie: "Fine, I'll just see him at school."
Susan: "Well, then you won't go to school. I'll home school you."
Julie: "Right, you're gonna teach me trig? You can't even balance your own checkbook."
Susan: "Yes, and you will be poorly educated, and you won't get into college, and you will work for minimum wage for the rest of your life, all because of that boy! I hope you're happy!"

Tom: "So what did Ed say? When do you have to go back to work?"
Lynette: "He said take as much time as I want with pay."
Tom: "You should get gunned down more often."

Twin: "Mommy, were you shot?"
Lynette: "Shot? Where did you hear that?"
Twin: "Jordan Blackwelder."
Tom: "That's the same little creep who tried to ruin Santa Claus!"

Tom: "And look, the good news is, mommy's fine now. And we'll all see auntie Nora again in heaven."
Lynette: "Or wherever."

Parker: "What if the crazy lady comes back?"
Tom: "She won't."
Parker: "How do you know?"
Tom: "Well, because she's...up in heaven with auntie Nora."
Lynette: "Or wherever."

Susan: "Are you crazy? If we don't do something, those two could end up having sex!"
Edie: "Could?"
Susan: "Oh, my God. You don't..."
Edie: "Let me put it this way. I got a box of condoms in my dresser. Eleven are gone. I can only account for eight of 'em."

Lynette: "Okay, I should be back at around six. They can have one snack. Try and push apples, but if they threaten violence, I have an emergency candy bar under the sink."
Mrs. McCluskey: "Not anymore you don't."

Parker: "You're gonna get shot again."
Lynette: "No, I won't. Lots of mommies go to the store every day, and they're fine. It's really not a scary place."
Parker: "You went to the store, and you got shot, and auntie Nora died."
Lynette: "I'm only gonna be in there ten minutes, I promise."
Parker: "Can't she go?"
Mrs. McCluskey: "Fine. I'll go."
Lynette: "Thanks."
Mrs. McCluskey: "Don't give a hoot if I get shot, do ya, kid?"

Gabrielle: "Aren't you a little worried that I'm gonna pull focus? I mean, it's a little confusing. People are gonna see Tanya, and then they're gonna see that guy, and they're gonna wonder who I am."
Durkin: "You're the mom.."
Gabrielle: "People aren't gonna buy that, so here's what I was thinking. I slap on one of those gowns, I play Tanya's big sister home from college to raise a little hell."
Durkin: "And we're gonna cram all that on a subtitle, are we?"

Mrs. McCluskey: "Hiya, Mike. Welcome home. You remember me?"
Mike: "Yeah, I think so. The corner house with all the gnomes out front?"
Mrs. McCluskey: "You're thinking of Martha Huber. Terrible story. Someone beat her to death, and then buried her in the forest. Ironic, huh? Isn't that where gnomes live?"
Mike: "I don't really know that much about gnomes."

Bree: "Now you listen to me. That woman gave you life, and the Fifth Commandment tells us to honor our parents no matter how hideous or repellent they may be."
Orson: "That's not exactly what..."
Bree: "Orson, it's implied!"

Mary Alice: "There are so many things we wish we could tell the young. We'd like to persuade them not to grow up so fast, but they won't listen. We want to tell them that beauty fades, but they refuse to believe it. We warn them that their actions will have consequences, but still they defy us. Sadly, the young can't begin to understand the world is a dangerous place. So it's up to us to do anything we can to protect them. Absolutely anything."