Mary Alice: "It was supposed to be an ordinary day for Carolyn Bigsby. She had planned to bake her husband a strudel, give her dog a bath, and water her African violets. Yes, Carolyn had planned to do all sorts of things she thought mattered. But earlier that day, a woman who wasn't her friend told Carolyn something she wasn't supposed to hear. From that moment on, Carolyn felt nothing really mattered anymore. Yes, Carolyn Bigsby had planned on it being an ordinary day. But as every housewife knows, plans change."

---

Susan: "Hey, is that the new neighbor?"
Gabrielle: "Oh, he's cute!"
Lynette: "Edie said he's a bachelor..."
Gabrielle: "Keep talking."
Lynette: "...who lives with his invalid sister."
Gabrielle: "You can stop now."
Susan: "Should we go introduce ourselves?"
Gabrielle: "Yeah, let's give him the scoop on the neighborhood."
Lynette: "Do you think he knows Mary Alice shot herself in his living room?"
Susan: "Then again, he probably wants some time to unpack."

---

Bree: "Orson? If you have a moment, there's something I'd like your thoughts on."
Orson: "Certainly. What is it? The menu for our holiday open house?"
Bree: "No, it's the police report from the night you beat your first wife. I'm still working on the menu."
Orson: "I assure you, I did not beat my wife. She suffered these injuries in a fall."
Bree: "Well, how did she fall?"
Orson: "I pushed her."

---

Bree: "By the way, to remove a red wine stain, you sprinkle salt to absorb it."
Orson: "That's just what I was saying to Alma when she clocked me."

---

Gabrielle: "You recorded our lovemaking?"
Carlos: "It's all right here, your honor. When she climaxes, she actually starts screaming out dollar amounts."

---

Susan: "Oh, I cannot believe your timing. I'm about to fly off to Paris and you're inviting boys over for Oktoberfest."
Julie: "Oh, that's it! Go to your room and finish packing. This conversation's over."
Susan: "The last time I checked, I was the parent."
Julie: "Yeah, well, the last time I checked, I was the daughter who never gave you any reason to doubt her."
Susan: "Okay, I know I--"
Julie: "And don't play the parent card with me. I just finished packing your suitcase, doing your laundry, and balancing your checkbook. And now I'm going to the store to buy your toothpaste."
Susan: "Well, a simple 'No, I didn't drink any beer' would've sufficed."

---

Tom: "I never thought you'd want a fifth kid."
Lynette: "I don't, but I didn't want the first four, and they're starting to grow on me."

---

Austin: "Toothpaste, mouthwash...did somebody get an anonymous e-mail?"
Julie: "Said the boy with the economy-sized acne cream."

---

Ian: "I packed a large tube and some dental floss."
Susan: "Really?"
Ian: "Why are Americans so amazed when the English display the slightest acquaintance with dental hygiene?"

---

Susan: "I can't leave Julie right now."
Ian: "We'll take her with us."
Susan: "Oh, that's responsible parenting. 'Stealing whiskey? That's it, young lady. I'm taking you to Paris.'"

---

Susan: "I would like to trade places with one of the people inside. Don't, don't you do that?"
Cop: "Oh, you mean our hostage exchange program?"

---

Mary Alice: "Lynette Scavo had a dream that night. It was one she'd had many times before. But this night, something changed. This was the last time Lynette would ever dream of me, and for her sake, I am grateful."