Mary Alice: "The art of sabotage. It's practiced every day in the suburbs. Sometimes it takes the form of a Bundt cake offered to a friend who's on a diet. Other times, it's a cable cut just as a husband's friends arrive to watch the big game. And there's always that anonymous phone call to the city zoning department. Yes, in Suburbia, everyone you meet is a potential saboteur. Absolutely everyone. Yes, the art of sabotage. It's practiced every day in the suburbs But few do it as well as Bree Hodge or as politely."

---

Bree: "Danielle, you haven't touched your dinner."
Andrew: "She doesn't like spring lamb. She prefers old goat."

---

Danielle: "When are you gonna take me seriously?"
Bree: "When you start acting like an adult."
Andrew: "Well, she sleeps with them. That's a start."

---

Andrew: "Uh, Mom?"
Bree: "Andrew, please don't interrupt me while I'm speaking. True, I never bought her eldest daughter a gift, but you know my policy: no husband, no baby gift. Now what is it, dear?"
Andrew: "Well, um, Danielle's upstairs trying to commit suicide. There's no rush. She's not trying that hard."

---

Doctor: "She's a little groggy, but she'll be fine. The wounds are fairly superficial."
Andrew: "So's the patient."

---

Doctor: "She is resisting our efforts to pump her stomach. She says she only took three sedatives."
Andrew: "She's disoriented. Pump her."
Bree: "Andrew! Pump her."

---

Gabrielle: "She promised to stand by him, and once you make that commitment you have to see it through."
Lynette: "Yeah. How's that divorce going?"
Gabrielle: "I'm done talking."

---

Karen: "Men are genetically incapable of realizing that their dreams are stupid."
Lynette: "Care to elaborate, Dr. McCluskey?"
Karen: "My husband sold insurance for thirty-six years, and one day, he woke up and decided he wanted to move to Paris and paint naked ladies. I told him, "Gilbert, you can barely paint the garage. What makes you think you can commit art?" And for the rest of his life, he despised me."
Lynette: "He despised you for saying no?"
Karen: "Well, he also thought I was sleeping with his brother, and I'm sure that was mixed in there, too."

---

Julie: "Normally, I charge twelve bucks an hour for tutoring, but seeing as it's you, fifteen."
Austin: "Great. See you Friday. Oh, and just so you know, I charge fifteen an hour to make out, so I'll probably break even."

---

Nurse: "You need to leave."
Susan: "What?"
Nurse: "You're disturbing the other patients."
Susan: "No, what are you...oh, this is ridiculous! I mean, who am I disturbing? It's a coma ward! Don't you want them to wake up?!"

---

Susan: "No, no, no, no! No, no, this, this is not how this ends. No, evil does not triumph over good."
Edie: "That's how you see me?"
Susan: "Damn straight! You lie, you cheat, you scheme! You ruin peoples' relationships! I mean, how do you sleep at night?"
Edie: "Soon with Mike on top of me, if you know what I mean."
Susan: "See? Evil! Evil! "
Edie: "Has it ever occurred to you that maybe Mike and I are meant to end up together?"
Susan: "No! You, Mike? You don't even want him! You're just doing this to hurt me."
Edie: "Wow. How self-absorbed can you be? I have had a thing for Mike since the day he moved in here, and I even backed off when he fell for your little Miss Adorable act. But he's over that. It's my turn now, and I will be better for him than you ever were. And if you do get hurt, well, that's just gravy. All right, maybe that was a little evil."

---

Mary Alice: "Sabotage. Everyone is capable of it, but some go about it more ruthlessly than others. Like the ones who crave vengeance or the ones who hunger for love or the ones who are determined to burn bridges. And then there are those who simply want something. Something that belongs to someone else."