Ultimate Desperate Housewives

Episode 03.04 - "Like It Was"

Mary Alice: "The day Mike Delfino woke from his coma, Edie Britt was the first to know. Once she was sure he was responsive Edie decided to share the good news with others. And that is how word began to spread. Mike's physician, Dr. Craig, was busy with a patient when he first heard the news. Not long after, he called his aunt Ida, who was busy knitting a sweater. She told Lynette Scavo, who was busy watering her lawn, and she told her husband Tom, who was busy playing a computer game. He then e-mailed his friend Carlos, who was busy plotting strategy with his divorce lawyer and Carlos called his soon-to-be ex-wife, Gabrielle, who was busy doing the same with hers.Yes, word of Mike's miraculous recovery spread quickly throughout Wisteria Lane and stopped cold everyone's busy, busy life. Everyone, that is except for Susan Mayer, who was busy doing something she would soon wish...she hadn't."

Danielle: "Is it weird eating off plates? 'Cause if you were more comfortable, you could just eat straight out of the garbage."
Bree: "This is a family event, and we're all gonna enjoy it together. Now, Danielle, stop sniping and start thinking of an alibi for your brother."
Danielle: "I know. We could say he joined a cult and we had to kidnap and deprogram him."
Bree: "Well, that would certainly spare the family some embarrassment. Why not throw in a killing spree, too?"

Carlos: "Gaby, I'm trying to be civil, but if you don't knock it off right now, I swear, the gloves are coming off."
Gabrielle: "Oh, honey, the gloves aren't just off. They're seventy percent off! Get your cashmere gloves!"

Parker: "But, mom, I suck! Everybody says so. That's why they made up a fake position for me."
Lynette: "It is not fake. There is not a team I know that could get along without their backup far right fielder."

Parker: "You threw it too fast. Throw slower."
Lynette: "If I threw any slower, we would be bowling."

Orson: "How to put this? Uh, when Andrew was on the street, he, uh, he didn't just beg for money. At times, he, well, he did things to earn it."
Bree: "Oh, good. I mean, I'd hate to think he had no work ethic at all. "
Orson: "Uh, what I mean is, men hired him, uh, to, uh, do things. Things he wasn't very proud of."
Bree: "Yard work?"
Orson: "Afraid not."
Bree: "Orson, you're scaring me. Did he do something awful?"
Orson: "No! No. Not awful. I mean, people do it all the time. I do it with you. I just don't pay you for it. I think someone could use a cocoa."

Bree: "How does this Dr. Keck fit into all of this? I mean, is he treating Andrew for some awful disease?"
Orson: "Actually, I think he was one of Andrew's clients."
Bree: "Howard Keck? Oh, that's ridiculous. He's got a wife and a daughter. He plays on Tom Scavo's bowling team."
Orson: "Well, that's clearly not the only team he plays for."

Bree: "Okay, that's what I was thinking. I mean, that's how Bunny Connors got Chlamydia."
Gabrielle: "She told me she got it from wearing someone else's bathing suit."
Lynette:: "No, that's how she got crabs."
Gabrielle: Poor Bunny. It's always something. If it's not the clap, it's a botched face-lift."

Lynette: "So if Tom was cheating, you wouldn't tell me?"
Gabrielle: "No! But I would hire someone to beat the crap out of him."
Lynette: "Aw, you're sweet."

Gabrielle: "You peed in my shampoo. Admit it!"
Carlos: "What?"
Gabrielle: "Yeah, the cap was loose, and I know how your sick mind works."
Carlos: "Oh, really? Well, in that case, you should know that if I was gonna do something like that, I wouldn't do it to your shampoo. I would do it to your mouthwash, soup, and decaffeinated coffee."

Lynette: "You can't bend the rules just once?"
Coach: "Did you know the team could use some new batting helmets?"
Lynette: "Are you asking for a bribe?"
Coach: "You pretending you're above that?"
Lynette: "I'll get my checkbook."

Vera: "I owe you an apology because I've been sitting on a little secret about your family."
Bree: "Oh?"
Vera: "Actually, it's not much of a secret. My daughter tells me it's common knowledge among the cheerleaders."
Bree: "What is?"
Vera: "The fact that Danielle is sleeping with her history teacher. But where are my manners? I should have brought some biscuits with that."

Bree: "I am so tired of feeling like the worst mother who ever lived."
Andrew: "You're not. There's Grandma."

Mary Alice: "We all have our reasons for rewriting history. Sometimes we need to provide ourselves alibis. Sometimes we wanna hurt someone who has hurt us and then there are times we just wanna spare ourselves embarrassment. Of course, there are some who feel that to rewrite history is just another way to lie but what is history anyway but a set of lies agreed upon?"