This was typed by Amanda and Murat, mere humans, and mistakes are possible. If you find any, no matter how trivial, please let me know. (desperate_housewives at yahoo dot com)

In the interest of finishing the transcripts faster, screen caps will no longer be placed on the transcripts. You can find screen caps at the following websites:
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Wisteria Lane
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Starring
"Susan Mayer" - Teri Hatcher
"Lynette Scavo" - Felicity Huffman
"Bree Van De Kamp" - Marcia Cross
"Gabrielle Solis" - Eva Longoria
"Edie Britt" - Nicollette Sheridan
"Carlos Solis" - Ricardo Antonio Chavira
"Julie Mayer" - Andrea Bowen
"Tom Scavo" - Doug Savant
"Orson Hodge" - Kyle MacLachlan
"Mary Alice Young" - Brenda Strong
"Mike Delfino" - James Denton

Also Starring
"Andrew Van de Kamp" - Shawn Pyfrom
"Danielle Van de Kamp" - Joy Lauren
"Austin Britt" - Josh Henderson
"Preston Scavo" - Brent Kinsman
"Porter Scavo" - Shane Kinsman
"Parker Scavo" - Zane Huett

Guest Starring
"Ian Hainesworth" - Dougray Scott
"Mr. Falati" - Anthony Azizi
"Vera Keck" - Lisa Banes
"Dr. Craig" - Terry Bozeman
"Gabrielle's Lawyer" - Michael Durrell
"Howard Keck" - Terry Rhoads

Co-Starring
"Ida Greenberg" - Pat Crawford Brown
"Vendor" - Chet Grissom
"Nicky" - Biran Kary
"Nurse in Mike's Room" - Felice Heather Monteith
"Cop #1" - Roger Ranney
"Woman at Ballgame" - Annette Reid
"Umpire" - Greg Christopher Smith

Written by: John Pardee & Joey Murphy
Directed by: Larry Shaw

Hospital – Mike’s Room

"The day Mike Delfino woke from his coma, Edie Britt was the first to know. Once she was sure he was responsive..."

Edie: "Mike?"

She leans over his bed and he grabs her arm. She runs away screaming.

"...Edie decided to share the good news with others."

Edie: "Code red! Code red! My friend just woke up from his coma."

"And that is how word began to spread. Mike's physician, Dr. Craig, was busy with a patient when he first heard the news. Not long after, he called his aunt Ida, who was busy knitting a sweater. She told Lynette Scavo, who was busy watering her lawn, and she told her husband Tom, who was busy playing a computer game. He then e-mailed his friend Carlos, who was busy plotting strategy with his divorce lawyer and Carlos called his soon-to-be ex-wife, Gabrielle, who was busy doing the same with hers.Yes, word of Mike's miraculous recovery spread quickly throughout Wisteria Lane and stopped cold everyone's busy, busy life. Everyone, that is except for Susan Mayer, who was busy doing something she would soon wish...she hadn't."

At Ian's cabin, Susan relaxes back against Ian, the two of them sharing a bubble bath while her cell phone displays the phrase "No Signal."

Opening Credits

Bree's House

"Edward Sibley was the beloved founder of the town of Fairview. Prior to that, he was best known as a bootlegger, a womanizer, and a horse thief. Of course, no one remembers those parts of Edward's past. Luckily for him, history is designed to be rewritten and no one knew this better than Bree Hodge."

Bree, Orson, and Andrew eat breakfast at the dining room table while Danielle puts the finishing touches on a large posterboard project about Edward Sibley.

Andrew: "So you're just gonna lie to people?"
Bree: "Oh, I'm not talking about a lie, just a polite fiction to explain to everybody where you've been. I mean, we can't possibly tell them that you've been living on skid row, sleeping in a cardboard box."
Andrew: "So, why do I have to go to this history fair anyway? I mean, it's just some dumb school contest. We all know Danielle's not gonna win. She never wins anything."
Danielle: "Is it weird eating off plates? 'Cause if you were more comfortable, you could just eat straight out of the garbage."
Bree: "This is a family event, and we're all gonna enjoy it together. Now, Danielle, stop sniping and start thinking of an alibi for your brother."
Danielle: "I know. We could say he joined a cult and we had to kidnap and deprogram him."
Bree: "Well, that would certainly spare the family some embarrassment. Why not throw in a killing spree, too?"
Orson: "Well, here's a thought: we say he was at drama camp. It reflects Andrew's interest in the performing arts, while giving us a private joke to savor about the drama of his estrangement."

Andrew looks at Danielle.

Danielle: "Uh, yeah, he is always like that."
Andrew: "Uh, guys, why can't we just tell the truth? I got out of line, you kicked me out, I lived on the street, and I came back home."
Bree: "We'll need a name for this drama camp."

Gabrielle's Front Lawn

Dozens of people rifle through the items in a garage sale Gabrielle is having on her front lawn.

Gabrielle: "We got ties here, people! Designer ties, two for a dollar! Ooh, do you like those barbells? Make me an offer. I'm feeling generous. Here's the customer I've been waiting for."

Carlos drives up and walks up to Gabrielle.

Gabrielle: "Carlos, I see you got my flier."
Carlos: "You're having a garage sale featuring menswear and sporting equipment."
Gabrielle: "I need cash, and you don't expect me to sell my stuff, do you?"
Carlos: "Those are my good cuff links! Those are my CDs! Oh, my God, this is my baby blanket. My mamá knitted this!"
Gabrielle: "And it pains me to sell it. It's just that my lawyer told me what you're offering for spousal support, and I can't get by on that."
Carlos: "Hey, I am doing the best that I can. I've got a few deals in the pipeline, but I'm not making near as much as I used to."
Gabrielle: "Som I should be punished? Attention, shoppers, for the next twenty minutes, free golf club with every purchase!"
Carlos: "Gaby, I'm trying to be civil, but if you don't knock it off right now, I swear, the gloves are coming off."
Gabrielle: "Oh, honey, the gloves aren't just off. They're seventy percent off! Get your cashmere gloves!"

Lynette's House

Lynette comes down the stairs and sees Parker pouring himself a glass of orange juice.

Lynette: "Hey, Parker, where's your uniform? You got your game in an hour."
Parker: "No, I don't. I quit."
Lynette: "What?"
Parker: "I hate baseball. Daddy said I don't have to play it anymore."
Lynette: "Well, daddy should have checked with mommy, so she could have a chance to tell him why he's wrong. Hey, you're playing."
Parker: "But, mom, I suck! Everybody says so. That's why they made up a fake position for me."
Lynette: "It is not fake. There is not a team I know that could get along without their backup far right fielder. Okay, come on, let's go practice."

Outside

Lynette: "All right, let's try it again. Nice and easy. Watch the ball hit the bat. You ready? You can do it. Here we go. Okay, Parker, I keep telling you, you gotta keep your eyes open. How are you gonna hit the ball when you're doing this?"
Parker: "You threw it too fast. Throw slower."
Lynette: "If I threw any slower, we would be bowling."

Tom walks up.

Tom: "Hey. Hey, whatcha guys doing?"
Lynette: "I'll tell you what we're not doing. Quitting."
Tom: "Oh, hey, buddy, did you change your mind?"
Parker: "No."
Tom: "Lynette, I told him that he didn't have to play anymore."
Lynette: "He's got five more games in the season. He made a commitment. He's gonna see it through."
Tom: "But, Lynette, he doesn't like it and if you haven't noticed, he kind of sucks."
Lynette: "Yeah, well, that's not the point. What kind of message are we sending if we let him quit whenever the going gets rough?"
Tom: "Honey, it is kids' baseball. It's a way to kill three hours before they eat pizza. Why you being such a hard-ass?"
Lynette: "Well, it's called parenting, Tom. Watch and learn. Okay, P-Dog, this is a curveball."

She throws the ball and Parker lets out a yell as it hits him.

Lynette: Again, opening the eyes. Can't stress it enough."

Ian's Cabin

Susan is washing the dishes as Ian dries them.

Susan: "Are you sure it's okay if we stay another day?"
Ian: "Well, let's see. What excuse did we use when we had this conversation yesterday?"
Susan: "That we work hard and we deserve to relax."
Ian: "No, I believe that was last Thursday's rationale."
Susan: "Fresh air is good for us?"
Ian: "Ah, Tuesday."
Susan: "Okay, here's one. Julie needs to spend more time bonding with her father."
Ian: "Brilliant!"
Susan: "If we keep this up, we could stay here till Christmas."
Ian: "You know, sometimes when you smile like that, that really makes me think that, that..."
Susan: "What? What were you gonna say?"
Ian: "Well, it makes me think that I could love you. I don't mean love in the swooning schoolboy sense, you know, fireworks exploding, bells ringing. To me, it's, it's about this: A mundane task that's suddenly a joy because of who you're doing it with. That's love to me. Someone to fluff while you fold, someone to whisper to at a boring party, someone to, to...."

Susan steps up to him and puts her finger on his mouth to quiet him.

Susan: "Shh. Do you mind? You're kind of drowning out the bells."
Ian: "So I am."

Hospital – Mike’s Room

Edie sits next to Mike's bed feeding him jello.

Mike: "I think I can feed myself now."
Edie: "Mm, you said that yesterday, and I wound up with a cleavage full of pudding. You heard the therapist. It's gonna be weeks before you're up and running."
Mike: "I just wanna get home, unpack."
Edie: "You just let home come to you, okay? The whole street's dying to see you. Bree is even bakin' you a peach pie."
Mike: "She's the redhead, right?"
Edie: "Right."
Mike: "Husband's a doctor. Rex."
Edie: "Rex is dead."
Mike: "Really? When did that happen?"
Edie: "A year and a half ago."
Mike: "What?"
Edie: "Yeah. You were at his funeral."
Mike: "What are you talking about? That's not possible. I just met him right before my accident."
Edie: "Mike, what year is it?"
Mike: "Two thousand four. Why?"

Later, the doctor is talking to Edie.

Dr. Craig: "It's called retrograde memory loss. It's caused by the swelling in the frontal lobe damage. You say he's lost two whole years?"
Edie: "Yeah. Is that unusual?
Dr. Craig: "Patients more typically lose several weeks. The damage may be more severe than we thought."
Edie: "Well, do you think he'll get his memory back?"
Dr. Craig: "He might, at least partially. You could be of some assistance with that."
Edie: "How?"
Dr. Craig: "Bring him some personal belongings, photos, letters. He's gonna need some help to remember what he can't."
Edie: "Oh, I'm sure I could fill in a few blanks."

Little League Ballpark

Lynette and Tom are watching Parker’s baseball game.

Lynette: "Hey, did I tell you that, uh, Burnham Fox is looking for a new creative director?"
Tom: "PR? What makes you think I wanna work for a PR firm?"
Lynette: "Easy hours, big paycheck, access to great parties. Yeah, what was I thinking?"
Tom: "Honey, we agreed that I would chase my dreams. And that ain't it."
Lynette: "Look, I was just making conversation."
Umpire: "Batter up!"
Kid: "Is he up?"
Kid: "Oh, come on!"
Lynette: "Come on, Parker! Keep your eye on the ball!"
Umpire: "Strike one!"

The crowd grumbles.

Lynette: "Hey, people, he's just a kid, okay? Come on."
Umpire: "Strike two!"

Some of the kids in the crowd begin to boo.

Lynette: "Hey, hey, that is not helpful."
Tom: "It only takes one, Parker! Only takes one!"
Kid: "Come on, Parker!"
Woman: "It's not your son's fault. He's just up against the best pitcher in the league."
Lynette: "Yeah, guy's a machine. Who is that kid?"
Woman: "Nicky Abbott. He's a neighbor of mine."
Lynette: "The kid's got an arm like a thirteen-year-old."
Woman: "Strike three! You're out!"
Tom: "I'm gonna go buy him an ice cream."

Tom leaves. Parker walks back to the dugout.

Lynette: "It's okay, P-dog. You're gonna get 'em the next inning!" (to the woman sitting next to her) "So tell me, what else do you know about this Nicky kid?"

Later, Lynette catches up to Nicky at the concession stand outside the baseball field.

Vendor: "You're short fifty cents."
Nicky: "Please, that's all I got."
Lynette: "Hey, give the kid what he wants."

She hands the vendor some money. The vendor hands Nicky cotton candy.

Nicky: "Thanks. Hey, aren't you, uh, Parker Scavo's mom?"
Lynette: "That's right. Come. Walk with me."

The two of them walk together as Nicky eats the cotton candy.

Lynette:"So, money's a little tight, huh?"
Nicky: "A little."
Lynette: "Yeah, I heard your old man's out of work. That's gotta be tough."
Nicky: "Yeah, they, uh, cut my allowance."
Lynette: "No! A kid's gotta have an allowance. How else you gonna buy the things you want, right? Like that cotton candy. That's a little piece of heaven, huh? Hey, I got an idea. Maybe we could help each other out. My son's having a little trouble hitting the ball."
Nicky (laughs): "Yeah, I saw that."
Lynette: "Yeah. Ever seen one of these?"

She pulls out a fifty-dollar bill.

Outside Gabrielle's House

Gabrielle pulls into her driveway and sees Carlos leaning against his car, waiting for her.

Gabrielle: "Carlos, what are you doing here? I mean, besides lowering my property value."
Carlos: "I had a little news and I wanted to see your face when I delivered it."
Gabrielle: "Oh."
Carlos: "I'm tired of fighting, so I called my lawyer and told him to give in to your demands for spousal support."
Gabrielle: "Really? Wow. Well, thank you. Okay, you've seen my face. Now you can beat it."
Carlos: "Wait. There's more. Since I'm gonna be giving you all that money, I have to cut back on some stuff, like the rent on my apartment. But the good news is, according to my lawyer, I'm completely within my rights to do this."

He opens his trunk and pulls out a suitcase.

Carlos: "Honey, I'm home."
Gabrielle: "Wait! You can't stay here!"
Carlos: "Now there's the face that I was looking for."

He walks inside.

Little League Ballpark

Umpire: "Batter up!"

Parker walks up to the plate. Nicky pitches.

Umpire: "Strike one!"
Woman: "Wow, that was kind of slow. His arm must be getting tired."
Lynette: "Yeah, well, after all those fastballs. Come on, Parker! You can do it!"
Umpire: "Strike two!"

Lynette gives Nicky a look. He shrugs at her, indicating that it's not his fault. He pitches again and this time, Parker hits it.

Lynette: "Oh, my God! Yes!"

The ball heads straight towards Nicky and hits him in the forehead. He falls to the ground. His teammates, coach, and parents rush up to him. As Lynette and Tom watch, Nicky's mom pulls out the fifty-dollar bill and Nicky points in Lynette's direction. Everyone on the field turns to look at Lynette. She grabs Tom's hand and they run off the field.

High School

The Hodge family is at the history fair at Danielle’s school. Bree sees Danielle’s history teacher.

Bree: "Mr. Faladi."
Mr. Faladi: "Yes?"
Bree: "I cannot thank you enough for getting Danielle interested in history. She has never worked so hard on a project before."
Mr. Faladi: "Well, don't tell anyone, but she is my favorite student. Oh, and it's so good to see that Andrew's back. Where's he been all this time?"
Bree: "Drama camp. A very prestigious drama camp."

In a different part of the room, Andrew stands by one of the history fair entries. A man walks up and looks at the same entry, then smiles at Andrew.

Man: "Do I know you?"
Andrew: "Yeah, uh, you gave me a ride in your black sedan once. You know, the one with the reclining seats?"

The man gets a horrified expression on his face and leaves quickly, bumping into Orson.

Man: "Excuse me."
Orson: "Yeah."

Orson walks up to Andrew.

Orson: "Wasn't that Dr. Keck? You know him?"
Andrew: "Yeah. Yeah, we, uh, met at drama camp."
Orson: "Oh, good lord. You mean you..."
Andrew: "Yeah. I, uh, performed for him once."
Orson: "Are you all right?"
Andrew: "I'll be all right. I'm fine."
Orson: "Howard Keck? You sure? I mean, he's a very respected member of the community."
Andrew: "Yeah, well, they all were."

Bree's House

Orson is building a fire in the fireplace when Bree walks in and sits down on the couch.

Bree: "What were you and Andrew talking about today at the fair?"
Orson: "Uh, nothing. I was gonna make some cocoa. Would you like some?"
Bree: "Orson, I saw the two of you whispering right after Dr. Keck ran off. What happened?"
Orson: "Look, Andrew asked me not to say anything, but I don't want there to be any secrets between us, so please don't let him know I told you."
Bree: "Well, of course not. What is it?"
Orson: "How to put this? Uh, when Andrew was on the street, he, uh, he didn't just beg for money. At times, he, well, he did things to earn it."
Bree: "Oh, good. I mean, I'd hate to think he had no work ethic at all. "
Orson: "Uh, what I mean is, men hired him, uh, to, uh, do things. Things he wasn't very proud of."
Bree: "Yard work?"
Orson: "Afraid not."
Bree: "Orson, you're scaring me. Did he do something awful?"
Orson: "No! No. Not awful. I mean, people do it all the time. I do it with you. I just don't pay you for it."

Bree gasps.

Orson: "I think someone could use a cocoa."

Later, in the kitchen, Orson finishes making the cocoa.

Orson: "Look, we mustn't judge Andrew. He was desperate."
Bree: "I'll never forgive myself. It's all my fault for pushing him away."
Orson: "Bree, don't do that to yourself. The important thing now is that he's home and he's safe."
Bree: "How does this Dr. Keck fit into all of this? I mean, is he treating Andrew for some awful disease?"
Orson: "Actually, I think he was one of Andrew's clients."
Bree: "Howard Keck? Oh, that's ridiculous. He's got a wife and a daughter. He plays on Tom Scavo's bowling team."
Orson: "Well, that's clearly not the only team he plays for."
Bree: "This is a nightmare, an absolute nightmare."

Orson takes out a knife to cut into a pie cooling on the counter.

Bree: "Please don't cut into that pie. I made it for Mike."
Orson: "Mike. Delfino?"
Bree: "Yes. I left you two messages. Didn't you check your voice mail? He woke up from his coma."

Gabrielle's House

Gabrielle, Lynette, and Bree are having coffee at Gabrielle’s kitchen table.

Gabrielle: "Who is it? It is Sharla Banning?"
Bree: "I'm not telling who it is. I'm just asking the question. If you know a husband has been unfaithful, do you tell the wife?"
Lynette: "Absolutely. If he's cheating, he could bring home a disease."
Bree: "Okay, that's what I was thinking. I mean, that's how Bunny Connors got Chlamydia."
Gabrielle: "She told me she got it from wearing someone else's bathing suit."
Lynette:: "No, that's how she got crabs."
Gabrielle: Poor Bunny. It's always something. If it's not the clap, it's a botched face-lift."
Bree: "Be that as it may, do we all agree that I should tell this man's wife?"
Gabrielle: "I wouldn't. Women always say they wanna know if their husband's cheating, and they always resent the person who tells them."
Lynette: "So if Tom was cheating, you wouldn't tell me?"
Gabrielle: "No! But I would hire someone to beat the crap out of him."
Lynette: "Aw, you're sweet."

Carlos walks into the kitchen wearing a shirt and underwear but no pants. He walks to the refrigerator.

Gabrielle: Bree, I'm sorry. I think you gotta follow your heart on this one, even if it isn't the easiest thing to do."
Bree: "Gaby, are you and Carlos getting back together?"
Gabrielle: "Why?"

She points to Carlos, who's bending over as he looks in the fridge.

Gabrielle: "Uh, would you excuse me?"

She gets up from the table and goes over to him.

Gabrielle: "What are you doing? I told you I was having friends over!"
Carlos: "I'm thirsty! And this is my kitchen, too. Hey, ladies!"
Gabrielle: "Oh, for God sakes, put some pants on!"
Carlos: "Well, I wanted to. But somebody threw my laundry out of the dryer while it was still wet."
Gabrielle: "Don't act like you didn't deserve that."
Carlos: "What are you talking about?"
Gabrielle: "You peed in my shampoo. Admit it!"
Carlos: "What?"
Gabrielle: "Yeah, the cap was loose, and I know how your sick mind works."
Carlos: "Oh, really? Well, in that case, you should know that if I was gonna do something like that, I wouldn't do it to your shampoo. I would do it to your mouthwash, soup, and decaffeinated coffee. Ladies."

He leaves and Gabrielle sits back down at the table.

Gabrielle: "To answer your question, no, we are not getting back together."

The three ladies pick up their coffee cups, hesitate, then put them all down without drinking from them.

Ian's Cabin

Susan and Ian are lying in bed together, listening to music.

Susan: "I love this music. What's it about?"
Ian: "Making love, regret, cigarettes."
Susan: "Cigarettes?"
Ian: "That's what I assume. It's French. They write what they know."
Susan: "I'd love to go to France someday."

Ian turns off the music.

Ian: "Would you like to go next month?"
Susan: "Are you serious?"
Ian: "Yeah, I'm going on business. Come with me."
Susan: "Oh, Ian, I just took a week off. I couldn't possibly justify taking another."
Ian: "Oh, you'll manage. We've already proven ourselves masters of the flimsy rationalization."
Susan: "Well, okay. You gotta promise me we'll actually leave the hotel room."
Ian: "It's Paris, dear. You can pretty much make love anywhere."
Susan: "Mmm."

Susan’s cell phone rings.

Susan: "I thought you said you didn't get reception up here."
Ian: "Well, the occasional signal gets through. Please don't answer."
Susan: "Oh, it's Julie. I have to. Hello? What's up? Hey. Uh, I can't, no, can you say that again? The signal's really bad. What? Oh, my God."
Ian: "Is something wrong?"
Susan: "Mike woke up. Um, Julie, when, when did he...Julie? Julie! Oh, damn it! Oh, my God. Oh! Oh, my God! Um, uh, I, I, I have to go. Um, I gotta get out of here."
Ian: "Yes, of course."
Susan: "Uh, I, I think that you're sitting on my bra."

He hands it to her and she rushes out of the room.

Lynette's House

Tom hangs up the phone.

Lynette: "What'd the coach say?"
Tom: "What do you think he said? Parker's off the team."
Lynette: "That's not fair! It's not his fault!"
Tom: "It doesn't matter, because his mother bribed an eight-year-old pitcher, who also, by the way, was kicked off of his team."
Lynette: "Not Nicky, too!"
Tom: "What were you thinking?"
Lynette: "I was trying to repair my son's shattered self-esteem."
Tom: "With a fifty?"
Lynette: "Yeah."
Tom: "Honey, everything would've been fine if you had just let Parker quit."
Lynette: "Well, excuse me for not wanting my son to be a quitter."
Tom: "Yeah, 'cause I guess having two in the family would be a bit much."
Lynette: "Whoa. Where'd that come from?"
Tom: "You say that you support my decision to leave advertising and follow my dream, but it is obvious to me that you resent it."
Lynette: "That is not true!"
Tom: "Why do you keep dropping all these hints about the job at Burnham Fox then, huh?"
Lynette: "I just figured, since you're taking your time figuring out what your dream even is, you might wanna make a few bucks in the meantime. I have a dream, too. It includes keeping this house."
Tom: "Oh, like I don't—"

Parker comes down the stairs.

Parker: "Are you fighting?"
Lynette: "No! No. It was excitement, because we have just decided you don't have to play baseball anymore. Ha! Isn't that great?"
Parker: "But, I can't stop now."
Lynette: "Huh?"
Parker: "Not when I'm finally getting good. You were right, Mom. I just needed a little more practice. So come on, come on! Let's go practice! See you outside."
Tom: "So, what's on the next page of your parenting handbook?"

Ian's Cabin

Susan and Ian carry luggage to the car.

Susan: "Ian, can you please hurry?"
Ian: "I am hurrying!"
Susan: "We should've been on the road ten minutes ago."
Ian: "It's not like checking out of a hotel. There're doors to secure. I have to turn the gas valve off."
Susan: "Can't you do that stuff later?"
Ian: "When? After the place is overrun by raccoons? Of course, the joke would be on them when it blows up."
Susan: "Mike is awake! He's lying there and he's wondering where I am."
Ian: "Yes, I get it. You're in a hurry. Just please give me a minute."
Susan: "I bet you'd move faster if Jane were awake."

Ian stops and stares at her.

Hospital – Mike’s Room

Edie is sitting on Mike’s bed with him showing him pictures.

Edie: "Ah, here's the picture that you took of me in my bikini at that pool party. You could've warned me I was showing a little nip. Oh, Susan Mayer. Remember her?"
Mike: "Yeah. She's pretty."
Edie: "Yeah, she is, sort of, in this picture. Is there a date on this thing?"
Mike: "The nurses said that she visited me a lot. We were close, huh?"
Edie: "You have just come out of a coma. Can we not talk about Susan till you start to regain your strength?"
Mike: "Why?"
Edie: "Oh, God. I hate to be the one telling you this."
Mike: "Well, if you don't want to..."
Edie: "That tramp treated you like dirt. She strung you along. She slept with other guys. You broke up with her twice."
Mike: "Well, why did she keep visiting me when I was out of it?"
Edie: "Well, she's a bit of a stalker. I was worried that she was gonna come in here and disconnect one of the tubes or something. But don't worry. She's glommed on to some new guy, and she's up in the mountains at his place with him right now."
Mike: "Wow. She told the nurses that she really loved me."
Edie: "That's the one thing about Susan that you must never forget. She is a liar."

Standing outside of Mike’s room is Orson. Dr. Craig walks up to him.

Dr. Craig: "You waiting to see Mike Delfino?"
Orson: "Uh, yes. I'm a, I'm a neighbor. But, uh, he already has a visitor, so I'll come back later."
Dr. Craig: "Well, don't be surprised if he doesn't recognize you. He's suffered significant memory loss."
Orson: "Really? Oh, that's too bad."
Dr. Craig: "You sure you don't want to go in? Ms. Britt's here all the time. She won't mind."
Orson: "No. I've waited this long. I can wait a bit longer."

Gabrielle's House

Carlos arrives home holding a grocery bag and tries to use his key to enter the house, but his key won't work. He looks into the living room where Gabrielle is sitting and shouts to her.

Carlos: "Gaby!"
Gabrielle: "Hey, Carlos. What's up?"
Carlos: "My key won't work."
Gabrielle: "That's probably because I had the locks changed."
Carlos: "Gaby!"
Gabrielle: "Can't be too safe. You never know when someone might move in on you when you're not looking."

Carlos puts down the groceries and picks up a chair. Gabrielle picks up the phone and dials a number.

Gabrielle: "Hello? There's an intruder breaking into my home. Can you tell them to come armed? I think he's Mexican."

Later, Carlos is handcuffed to a chair in the house while two police officers stand around.

Carlos: "I'm telling you, I'm her husband. I bought her this house. My name is on the deed."
Officer: "Ma'am, if you're married, it's a matter of public record. I can find out very quickly."
Gabrielle: "All right, but we're going through a very messy divorce, and he moved back in on me. And everyone knows the wife keeps the house and the husband gets the crappy apartment. It's the American way."
Carlos: "Call my lawyer. This is all totally legal and she knows it. She's just trying to get back at me."
Officer: "I hear that. You wouldn't believe the stuff my wife pulled when we split."
Gabrielle: "Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa, you can't take sides! Police officers aren't allowed to take sides. I pay your salary."

She swats the officer’s shoulder.

Officer: "Ted, did you see that? This lady just assaulted me."
Gabrielle: "Oh. It was a swat. Ted, does this hurt?"

She swats at the other officer.

Later, Gabrielle is struggling against the two officers who are trying to shove her into the back of the police car.

Gabrielle: "Get your hands off me! Police brutality!"

They get her inside the car and Carlos waves and goes inside.

Little Leauge Ballpark

Lynette talks with the coach.

Lynette: "This is all my fault. Why punish Parker?"
Coach: "Sorry, Mrs. Scavo. Rules are rules. I can't put him back on the team."
Lynette: "Just one more game. He'll suck, the other kids will taunt him. He'll wanna quit again. See, everybody wins."
Coach: "I wish I could help, but..."
Lynette: "Please? You can't bend the rules just once?"
Coach: "Did you know the team could use some new batting helmets?"
Lynette: "Are you asking for a bribe?"
Coach: "You pretending you're above that?"
Lynette: "I'll get my checkbook."

Vera's House

Bree knocks on the door of a neighbor’s house, holding a basket of baked goods.

Bree: "Hello, Vera. I made you some of those, uh, shortbread biscuits that you like so much."
Vera: "How sweet! Can you stay for some tea? It's been so long. We have some catching up to do."
Bree: "Yes. Yes, we do."

Later, the two of them sit in Vera’s living room.

Bree: "I know how painful this must be for you. It isn't easy for me either, considering Andrew's role in it."
Vera: "And why have you told me this?"
Bree: "Because I thought you'd want to know."
Vera: "Why?"
Bree: "So you could do something."
Vera: "Do you think I'm an idiot? That I know nothing about the man I've lived with for twenty-seven years? I've always assumed Howard had some outlet, a friend tucked away somewhere. I didn't know. I didn't care to know. But thank you for painting so vivid, so indelible a picture of my husband's activities."
Bree: "I'm sorry. I just felt that if it were me, I—"
Vera: "You'd want to know."
Bree: "Yes, absolutely."
Vera: "Then I owe you an apology because I've been sitting on a little secret about your family."
Bree: "Oh?"
Vera: "Actually, it's not much of a secret. My daughter tells me it's common knowledge among the cheerleaders."
Bree: "What is?"
Vera: "The fact that Danielle is sleeping with her history teacher. But where are my manners? I should have brought some biscuits with that."

Little League Ballpark

Tom: "Well, aren't we just the parents of the year? Sitting in the stands, waiting for our son to fail so we can weasel out of a bribery scandal."
Lynette: "Two bribery scandals. Gotta count the batting helmets."
Umpire: "Strike one!"
Lynette: "You know, for what it's worth, I don't think you're a quitter."
Tom: "Good. And you don't resent me?"
Lynette: "No."
Umpire: "Ball one!"
Lynette: "Okay, well, maybe a little."
Tom: "Why?"
Lynette: "You get to chase your dream while I get to spend the rest of my life in advertising."
Umpire: "Strike two!"
Lynette: "Maybe I'd like to write a book Or, you know, start my own magazine. And then I think, no, I can't. I have a family to support and I am okay with that..."
Umpire: "Ball two!"
Lynette: "...most of the time."
Tom: "You know what? I'm gonna look into that job at Burnham Fox."
Lynette: "Don't you dare! You are gonna chase your dream, and I am gonna support you ninety-nine percent of the time."
Tom: "It's all I could really ask for."

Parker hits the next ball that’s pitched to him.

Lynette: "How the hell did he do that?"
Crowd: "Yeah! Come on, come on!"
Tom: "Crap, they're cheering for him."
Lynette: "Oh, he's never gonna quit now! What are we gonna say to him?"
Crowd: "Go, go, go, go!"

Parker trips as he’s running.

Parker: "Ow! Ow!"

Later, Lynette and Tom look at his ankle.

Tom: "I don't know, buddy. Looks like a pretty bad sprain. Probably gonna be out the rest of the season."
Lynette: Damn. Hey, but you know what? That was one heck of a hit."
Parker: "Sure was."

Jail

Carlos comes over to where Gabrielle is sitting in a jail cell.

Carlos: "I posted your bail. We can go. Gaby—"
Gabrielle: "Don't talk to me."
Carlos: "Oh, lighten up. You were in there for maybe an hour. The whole thing is funny and you know it. Come on, Gaby! We've been going at each other for months now. Can we just stop? You know as well as I do we're gonna end up back together."
Gabrielle: "Wow, you are crazy."
Carlos: "No, what's crazy is throwing away the past three years. I mean, why can't we just say what we really feel for a change? Fine, I'll get the ball rolling. I still love you."
Gabrielle: "That's too bad, because I don't love you."
Carlos: "Yeah, right."
Gabrielle: "I don't. And I haven't for a very long time."
Carlos: "That's a lie. You're just saying that to hurt me."
Gabrielle: "No, if I wanted to hurt you, I would tell you about last weekend when I slept with John Rowland."

Carlos pulls the car over to the side of the road and drags Gabrielle out onto the road.

Gabrielle: "Carlos, what are you doing? Carlos! What are you doing?! Carlos! You can't leave me out here in the middle of nowhere! Ah! Carlos!"

Gabrielle gets up and starts toward the car, but when she sees the expression on Carlos' face, she stops. He gets in the car and drives away.

Bree's House

Bree and Danielle come down the stairs arguing. Andrew is reading on the couch in the living room.

Bree: "Danielle! Danielle, he is your history teacher, and he is thirty-five years old!"
Danielle: "Robert says age is just a number."
Bree: "Don't you dare leave this house!"
Danielle: "You can't break us up! I love him and he loves me!"

She leaves. Bree sinks down onto the stairs. Andrew comes over to her and sits down next to her.

Andrew: "Come on, mom."
Bree: "I am so tired of feeling like the worst mother who ever lived."
Andrew: "You're not. There's Grandma."
Bree: "I just, I've tried so hard to set a good example. I've done the best I could to teach you kids right from wrong. Why isn't it taking?"
Andrew: "It took. I mean, we know the difference between right and wrong. We just chose wrong."
Bree: "Why?"
Andrew: "Sometimes when you push a kid really hard to go one way, the other way starts to look more entertaining."
Bree: "You're awful."
Andrew: "Yeah, I know. I blame shoddy parenting."
Bree: "You know, we never discussed what it was like for you while you were away. I just want you to know, if you ever wanna talk about it, there's nothing you can't tell me."
Andrew: "Um, thanks. Not right now. Okay?"

Outside the Hospital

Ian drives Susan to the hospital and once there, she gets out of the car.

Susan: "I'll pick up my bags later."
Ian: "It's not my fault you weren't there."
Susan: "What?"
Ian: "It's not. I know what you're feeling, but—"
Susan: "How could you possibly know what I was feeling? For six months, I have prayed every day for that man to wake up, and you made me give up on him."
Ian: "I did not make you."
Susan: "Okay, not on purpose, but you did. You were sweet and charming and English and that's why when my prayers were answered, I was a hundred miles away, naked in someone else's arms. This should never have happened."
Ian: "You can say what you want about this, say that you feel guilty, say that it was bad timing, but, but don't you say that this should never have happened! Because you're the, you're the best thing that's happened to me in years."
Susan: "Ian, I'm sorry. I know how you feel. It's Mike. It's my Mike."
Ian: "Then, then you should go."
Susan: "Thank you."

She gives him a kiss, then runs into the hospital.

Hospital – Mike’s Room

Susan runs down the hallway into Mike's room.

Susan: "Oh, my God. You are awake."
Mike: "Hi, Susan."
Susan: "Oh, God! It's so wonderful to hear your voice again."
Mike: "They say you've been here a lot."
Susan: "Yes! Yes, I have. Almost every day. I can't tell you how much I'm kicking myself for not being here when you woke up."
Mike: "Where were you?"
Susan: "I was in the country. But I'm back now."
Mike: "Okay."
Susan: "Is something wrong? You, you don't seem happy to see me."
Mike: "To be honest, I don't remember you."
Susan: "What?"
Mike: "I remember moving to Fairview and meeting people, but after that, nothing. The doctors say it's the head trauma."
Susan: "Oh. But you're gonna be all right. I'm gonna help you remember."
Mike: "Iif you don't mind, I'm kind of tired now."
Susan: "Oh. Okay. Right, you, you, um, you sleep. I'll come back tomorrow."
Mike: "I'd rather you didn't. Well, I've got therapy. Maybe next week."
Susan: "Okay."

Mike turns his head away and Susan leaves. She stands outside his doorway, then slowly walks down the hallway. As she walks away, Edie walks out from another direction and sees Susan walking away. She smiles and goes back into Mike's room.

"We all have our reasons for rewriting history. Sometimes we need to provide ourselves alibis..."

Outside Bree's House

Andrew talks with some friends.

Andrew: "Drama camp was awesome. Uh, we're talking zero supervision."

Gabrielle's House

"Sometimes we wanna hurt someone who has hurt us..."

Gabrielle’s Lawyer: "So you can tell Carlos that he can have the photo albums. She says that they hold no sentimental value for her."

Gabrielle sits next to her lawyer, staring off into space.

Outside Lynette's House

"...and then there are times we just wanna spare ourselves embarrassment..."

Lynette talks with neighbors.

Lynette: "I don't know how these rumors get started. No, Parker only quit the team 'cause he hurt his ankle."

She turns and waves to Parker, who's sitting on the front porch steps.

Vera's House

"Of course, there are some who feel that to rewrite history is just another way to lie..."

Vera: "And poor Howard has to work late again tonight. Of course, he does it all for the family."

Hospital – Mike’s Room

"...but what is history anyway..."

Mike talks to Edie.

Mike: "You say I dated Susan for a long time. Do you think I was in love with her?"

"...but a set of lies agreed upon?"

Edie: "I don't. I really, really don't."

~ The End ~

This transcript was compiled and completed on December 24, 2006 by Amanda (desperate_housewives at yahoo dot com).
Last Update: December 24, 2006

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