This was typed by Lucy, Amanda, and Murat, mere humans, and mistakes are possible. If you find any, no matter how trivial, please let me know. (desperate_housewives at yahoo dot com)

In the interest of finishing the transcripts faster, screen caps will no longer be placed on the transcripts. You can find screen caps at the following websites:
Desperate Housewives
Wisteria Lane
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Starring
"Susan Mayer" - Teri Hatcher
"Lynette Scavo" - Felicity Huffman
"Bree Van De Kamp" - Marcia Cross
"Gabrielle Solis" - Eva Longoria
"Edie Britt" - Nicollette Sheridan
"Carlos Solis" - Ricardo Antonio Chavira
"Julie Mayer" - Andrea Bowen
"Tom Scavo" - Doug Savant
"Orson Hodge" - Kyle MacLachlan
"Mary Alice Young" - Brenda Strong
"Mike Delfino" - James Denton

Also Starring
"Andrew Van de Kamp" - Shawn Pyfrom
"Danielle Van de Kamp" - Joy Lauren
"Austin Britt" - Josh Henderson
"Preston Scavo" - Brent Kinsman
"Porter Scavo" - Shane Kinsman
"Parker Scavo" - Zane Huett

Guest Starring
"Ian Hainesworth" - Dougray Scott
"Nora" - Kiersten Warren
"Tammy Sinclair" - Michelle Pierce

Special Guest Star
"John Rowland" - Jesse Metcalfe

Co-Starring
"TV Reporter" - Christine Clayburg
"Transsexual" - Ralph Cole, Jr.
"Woman" - Bryna Weiss

Written by: Bob Daily
Directed by: Wendey Stanzler

Fairview Airport

Bree and Orson are waiting for their honeymoon flight to Bermuda. Orson is reading a brochure about Bermuda.

"Orson Hodge dreamed of the perfect honeymoon. Indeed, he’d begun planning it the moment Bree Van de Kamp agreed to marry him."

Orson’s Fantasy

Bree and Orson are flying first class, clinking their glasses of champagne.

"They’d start by flying first class..."

Orson’s Fantasy

Bree and Orson are entering a fancy hotel room.

"...to an exclusive five star hotel..."

Orson’s Fantasy

Bree and Orson are relaxing by an olympic size pool.

"...where they’d spend their days relaxing by the pool."

Orson’s Fantasy

Bree and Orson are making love on a circular bed.

"...and their nights making love."

Orson’s Fantasy

Orson is carrying Bree into their home, puts her down and they kiss.

"And when they returned home, their perfect honeymoon would continue forever."

Present Day - Fairview Airport

Orson stares lovingly at Bree.

Orson: "Mrs. Hodge."
Bree: "Yes, Mr. Hodge."
Orson: "Do you have any idea how happy we’re going to be?"
Bree: "I don’t need to be any happier than I am already at this very second." (they kiss) "Oh, my goodness, there’s only fifteen minutes before our plane. If you want that latte, you should go now."
Orson: "That’s a good idea."

Orson leaves. Bree looks up at the TV mounted on the wall.

Reporter: "The population of teenagers continues to climb. This is Andrew. Andrew?"

Bree sees Andrew being interviewed as a homeless person on TV. She gets up and approaches the TV.

Reporter: "What is it like to live on the streets?"
Andrew: "It’s not so bad. I mean, you know, sometimes people give you food. You can find a lot in the dumpsters. Ah, I mean, just last night I found almost a whole bucket of chicken that had hardly been touched."

Bree appears shocked as she sees Andrew lying in a cardboard box.

Reporter: "Andrew told me his heartwrenching story. An alcoholic mother. A father murdered by the woman’s boyfriend. And a childhood shattered the day his mother abandoned him on the side of the road."
Bree: "Oh my god."

A woman sitting near Bree speaks up.

Woman: "I’ll tell you one thing. Some people just should never be allowed to have children. Oh!"

As Orson approaches, Bree is gathering her stuff together.

Orson: "Darling, I got an extra one just in case you...Bree, what’s the matter?"
Bree: "A reporter just did a story on homeless teens and my son was one of them."
Orson: "Oh, my god! Well, we’ll call child welfare the minute we get to the resort."
Bree: "Orson, you can’t imagine that we're still going!"
Orson: "Darling, the tickets are non-refundable."
Bree: "My son is eating out of dumpsters!"
Orson: "Well, yes! But think how much better you’ll be able to deal with this crisis after a nice relaxing..."
Bree: "Orson! My child is in trouble. Don’t make me choose between the two of you because believe me, you will lose! Now please, get your ass in gear!"

Bree walks away.

"It was at this moment that Orson realized that the honeymoon was over."

Orson drops the coffees and the Bermuda brochure into the trash can.

"In more ways than one."

Opening Credits

A suitcase is being packed on a bed.

"It was a holiday weekend on Wisteria Lane."

Another suitcase is being packed.

"And everyone was packing their bags..."

Another suitcase is being packed. A beautiful nightgown is being placed in it.

"...hoping to get away from it all."

Lynette’s Porch

Lynette comes out carrying a suitcase with Tom following her.

Lynette: "No, no, you’ll be fine."
Tom: "This is so unfair."
Lynette: "No, no. What’s unfair is that we’re slowly running out of money and you’ve barely even looked for a job. You’re gonna have a good time, all right? I love you. Bye."

Lynette walks away.

"Lynette was getting away from growing tension in her marriage."

Gabrielle’s Driveway

Gabrielle is talking on her cell phone while putting her suitcase into the trunk.

Gabrielle: "You can call it blackmail, Carlos, but the court calls it Spousal Support. So unless I get a check by Monday, your shower buddies from jail will be throwing you a Welcome Back party."

Gabrielle hangs up as Lynette approaches.

"Gabrielle was getting away from an increasingly bitter divorce."

Lynette: "Hi. I’m ready."

Susan’s Living Room

Susan is finishing her packing and talking on the phone. Julie is working on a scale model of a town.

Susan: "So that’s my number in case there's any change in Mike’s condition. I’m going to the mountains with a friend. And, uh, just in case you were wondering, it’s strictly platonic."
Julie: "He wasn’t wondering."

"Susan was getting away from mounting guilt."

Bree’s Kitchen

Bree is on the phone.

Bree: "So you can’t tell me anything about my son’s whereabouts?"

"And then there was Bree, who had just learned there are some problems...."

Bree: "Fine!"

Bree hangs up and walks into the living room where Orson and Danielle are.

".. you can’t run away from."

Bree: "Some reporter. All she could tell me is what neighborhood they found him in. hey don’t have any contact information, no phone number, no address."
Orson: "Well, dear, if he had an address, he wouldn’t be homeless."
Danielle: "This really blows! I am this close to becoming Homecoming Queen and now I’m going to be that creepy girl whose brother is a pathetic street junkie."
Bree: "You know you could show a little compassion. Your brother is out there on the streets struggling to survive!"
Danielle: "And whose fault is that?"

Danielle leaves the room.

Bree: "She’s right. This is all my fault."
Orson: "You can’t blame yourself. No parent can stop a child who's determined to run away."
Bree: "He didn’t run away. I kicked him out."
Orson: "You what?"
Bree: "I left him on the roadside with some money and his clothes. I didn’t tell you because I was afraid of what you'd think of me."
Orson: "You did what you had to do. I just wish you’d said something sooner." (hugging Bree) "You know there’s nothing you can’t tell me. I don’t want there to be any secrets between us."
Bree: "There won’t be, not anymore."

Bree and Orson walk toward the front door through the living room. Danielle is sitting there reading.

Danielle: "You know, Andrew is not the only one having a rough year. I’m the one whose boyfriend got shot right in front of her."
Bree (to Orson): "We’ll talk in the car."

Sinclair Hotel and Spa

Gabrielle and Lynette are on tables outside under silk tents being massaged.

Gabrielle: "Don’t you love this? Oh, God bless Tom for taking the kids camping."
Lynette: "Mmm hmm."
Gabrielle: "This is exactly what we needed. Especially after everything I’ve been through lately. I am all about relaxing and rejuvenating..."
Lynette: "Gaby!"
Gabrielle: "Yeah?"
Lynette: "Could you be all about shutting up?"
Gabrielle: "Oh, I’m sorry."
Lynette: "Thanks."

Gabrielle’s cell phone rings.

Lynette: "Please don’t tell me you brought your cell phone."
Gabrielle: "I’m sorry. It’s just that I’m waiting for Carlos’ lawyer to call. Spousal support has gotten ugly." (answering) "Hello. Oh hi Tom!"
Lynette: "No, no, no, no!"
Gabrielle: "Yeah!"
Lynette: "No!"
Gabrielle: "She’s right here." (handing the phone to Lynette) "Did you say something?"
Lynette (into the phone): "Hey."

Camp Site

Tom is lying flat on his back and the kids are running around the tent.

Tom: "Honey, I know it’s your weekend away but it's my damn back. I threw it out again."
Lynette: "So?"
Tom: "So, I can barely sit up. The kids are running wild. I need you come up here."
Lynette: "Oh, well why don’t you take a muscle relaxant?"
Tom: "Honey, I’ve already taken two. They're not making a dent."
Lynette: "Well, why don’t you give them to the kids?"
Tom: "Lynette!"
Lynette: "Please, Tom, please! Don’t do this to me!"
Tom (yelling): "Parker! For the last time put down the damn axe!"
Lynette: "Oh, all right. Yeah, yeah. I will be there as soon as I can." (hanging up) "God, I hate my life."
Gabrielle: "I know. I wouldn’t trade with you for anything."

Ian’s Cabin in the Country

Ian is unpacking groceries.

Susan: "Ah, wow, look at the view! Oh. Don’t you just love when the leaves change color?"
Ian: "Well, that’s why I suggested this. So we could hang out for the weekend and enjoy the, um..." (looking at Susan’s butt) "...scenery."
Susan: "Yep, scenery’s great. So, um, maybe I should unpack. Where should I do that?"
Ian: "Well, there are, there are two bedrooms. One is mine and there’s a guest room."
Susan: "Oh. A guest room. That's, well, that’s handy."
Ian: "Yeah. Unless, of course, you’d like to sleep in my room. In which case, I would take the guest room."
Susan: "Oh, ah, no, no. I should take the guest room because I am the guest."
Ian: "Yeah, well, it’s up the stairs and at the end of the hall."

Ian’s Cabin - Guest Room

Susan opens her suitcase. She pulls out many, many condoms.

Ian's Cabin - Ian’s Room

Ian opens his suitcase. He pulls out Susan’s silky nightgown and quickly puts it back.

Ian: "Ah. Susan, I, um, I think I have your suitcase."

Susan comes in carrying the case.

Susan: "Yeah. And I think I have yours."
Ian: "So, um, did you happen to see the um..."
Susan: "Yeah. And did you notice..."
Ian: "Hard to miss."

They each push the suitcases across the bed, trading them.

Ian: "Well, I’m just gonna..."
Susan: "Hide pathetically in your room?"
Ian: "Uh huh."
Susan: "Me too."

Susan runs out with her suitcase.

Lynette’s House

Lynette pulls up in a cab. Nora, with her suitcase, is sitting on the porch.

Nora: "Hey Lynette."
Lynette: "What are you doing here?"
Nora: "Kayla called and she told me about Tom’s back and my car got impounded again, so I thought that I’d hitch a ride with you."
Lynette: "Hitch? You mean, like, we’re gonna be driving in the car together?"
Nora: "Well, you could strap me to the front bumper, but, uh, yeah, I’d be more comfortable inside."

Lynette opens her trunk

Lynette: "Ah, it’s like an eight-hour drive."
Nora: "So?"

Lynette puts her bags in the trunk and tries to close it quickly.

Lynette: "Um, how far is the impound lot because, you know, I would just drive you over there..."

As Lynette closes the trunk, Nora puts her bag inside.

Nora: "What’s your problem, Lynette?"
Lynette: "I don’t have a problem. I just don’t think we both need to go up there. I can grab Kayla and bring her back."
Nora: "Oh, I see your plan. You just wanna go charging up there on your white horse and save everyone. And then I get to be the rotten mother who didn’t give a rat’s ass and stayed home eating bon-bons. No."

Sinclair Hotel and Spa

Gabrielle is sitting at a table in the hotel dining room by herself.

"Due to Lynette's sudden departure..."

A waiter pours wine into a glass for her.

Gabrielle: "Thank you."

"Gabrielle was forced to spend the last night of her spa vacation alone, but she didn't mind. In fact, she looked forward to a quiet dinner alone with her thoughts."

Gabrielle looks around the dining room and sees nothing but affectionate couples.

"Unfortunately for Gabrielle, her thoughts quickly turned to her impending divorce and the empty house she'd soon return to."

Hotel Gardens

Gabrielle is walking by herself. A couple walks by arm in arm.

"And she began to resent the happy couples she was seeing everywhere."

Gabrielle: "What is this, freaking Noah's ark?"
John: "Wow, I guess it really is a small world."
Gabrielle: "Who's there? I can't see you."

John Rowland steps out from the bushes.

John: "You see me now?"

Skid Row Area

Bree is walking the streets, looking for Andrew. Bree passes by hookers talking to their clients. She sees a hooker adjusting her boot and walks up to her. The hooker turns and is obviously a transsexual.

Bree: "Excuse me, ma'am? I mean...miss. I'm looking for someone. Uh, his name is Andrew." (shows her a picture) "Have you seen him?"
Transsexual: "Hard to say, boo. I see a lot of lost boys his age. Good-looking one, though. Someone special?"
Bree: "Yes, very, and I'm worried sick about him."
Transsexual: "You might try the soup kitchen at St. Malachi's on Third."
Bree: "Oh, thank you, Miss..."
Transsexual: "Gates. Pearly Gates. 'Cause you can't get to heaven without going through me."
Bree: "How very saucy."

Ian’s Cabin

Susan plays a quick scale on the piano. Ian comes in with two glasses of brandy.

Susan: "Great piano. Do you play?"
Ian: "Oh, no, I'm a, I'm a bit rusty. Jane loved to sing, so I'd play for her, but since the accident..."
Susan: "Right."

Susan follows Ian to the couch in front of the fireplace.

Susan: "So...brandy, a roaring fire, what could be more romantic?"
Ian: "Well, I can think of something."
Susan: "Wow, my heart is pounding."
Ian: "Uh, is that a bad thing? Consider the alternative."
Susan: "Your heart is beating even faster than mine."
Ian: "I guess I'm excited. It has been a while."
Susan: "Me, too."

Ian kisses her.

Susan: "So was that, uh, okay?"
Ian: "It was bloody fantastic. Of course, it's a bit different than what I'm used to."
Susan: "Different?"
Ian: "Well, I, I was with the same woman for a long time."
Susan: "Oh. But, I mean, you kissed other girls before that, right?"
Ian: "Sure, but most of them were twelve. As was I. I met Jane at a school dance and after we started dating, well, I never looked at anyone else."
Susan: "Are you saying that Jane is the only woman you ever..."
Ian: "Oh, God, I so didn't want to tell you that."
Susan: "Why not? I think that's adorable."
Ian: "Well, I don't want to be adorable. I want to be dashing and worldly and..."
Susan: "Oh, Ian. It's okay. Some people have a lot of lovers and some just a few. It doesn't matter."
Ian: "Well, seeing as it doesn't matter, where do you fall on that spectrum? "
Susan: "Huh?"
Ian: "You know, how many men have you been with?"
Susan: "Ian."
Ian: "Oh, I'm sorry. That was rude. I withdraw the question."
Susan: "It's not that it's rude. It's just immaterial. I mean, it's just a number. It doesn't mean anything."
Ian: "Seeing as it doesn't mean anything..."
Susan: "Ian!"
Ian: "Well, you know my number. It's only fair. Is it more than three?"
Susan: "Nine."
Ian: "Please tell me you were answering in German."
Susan: "Nine lovers is not a lot! Nine lovers does not make me a slut!"
Ian: "Why are you getting upset?"
Susan: "Because it was really eleven and I knocked off two and you're still judging me."
Ian: "I'm not judging you. It's just did you work in the recording industry?"
Susan: "Okay, just so you know eleven is not a lot for a woman my age."
Ian: "How old are you?"
Susan: "What is this, the Gallup Poll?"

Susan starts going upstairs.

Ian: "Where are you going?"
Susan: "To bed, alone. You know, it's something that I've always wanted to try, but I've just never gotten around to."

Sinclair Hotel Gardens

Gabrielle and John are walking around.

John: "So, they liked the landscaping I did here so much that they hired my company to do the whole Sinclair Hotel chain."
Gabrielle: "Your company? You have a company now? Oh, my gosh, when I met you, all you had was a bike."
John: "Well, not only that, the, uh, Gardening Channel's approached me about hosting my own show. I mean, we're still in the talking stages, but...what?"
Gabrielle: "Nothing. I just, I can't get over how mature and confident you are. You've really changed."
John: "Thanks. I was hoping you'd notice."
Gabrielle: "So, I guess, uh, there's no chance of getting you over to the house to pick the dead leaves off my ficus."
John: "Yeah, you know, I'm kind of past that. Besides, I don't think Mr. Solis would approve."
Gabrielle: "Actually, we're getting a divorce."
John: "Wow, um, I'm, I’m really sorry to hear that."
Gabrielle: "Really? Then why are you smiling?"
John: "I don't know. Why are you? Gabrielle, it's really great to see you."
Gabrielle: "Gabrielle. I think that's the first time you've ever called me that."
John: "Well, um, I hope you enjoy the rest of your stay."
Gabrielle: "I intend to."

Gabrielle pulls John toward her and begins kissing him.

Lynette’s Car

Lynette is driving with Nora in the passenger seat. Nora is eating sunflower seeds, spitting the seeds into an ashtray cup.

Nora: "Your cuppy thing is full. Do you mind if I put this in your glove compartment?"
Lynette: "Yeah, I do mind. I mind deeply."
Nora: "Jeez-a-marooni. I'll just get rid of 'em."

Nora throws the seeds out the window and they come flying back all over the interior of the car.

Lynette: "Oh, that's delightful. That's delightful. Maybe it'll just soak up the cream soda you spilled."
Nora: "Why do you always pick on me? It's like your new favorite game is 'finding fault with Nora.'"
Lynette: "No, my favorite game is counting all the things I'm dying to say to you, but I don't. Like 'Pipe down, you annoying nut job.' I'd never say that."
Nora: "You think I'm crazy."
Lynette: "No! You're colorful. Colorful in a way that might respond to medication."
Nora: "Well, you know, there's levels of crazy, Lynette. I mean, there are people like me who just have a big personality. Then there are the kind of people who do things like this!"

Nora grabs the steering wheel and steers them into oncoming trafffic. Lynette pulls the car back into her lane.

Lynette: "Ah! Oh, my God! Knock it off! What is the matter with you?! What is wrong with you? What the hell do you think you're doing?"
Nora: "Oh, lighten up. Come on, it was a joke."
Lynette: "No, well, it wasn't funny. If you wanna kill yourself, fine, but don't take me with you."
Nora: "Oh, you'd like that, wouldn't ya? You'd really like that, if I killed myself."
Lynette: "That is not what I'm saying. But if you did, I'd find a way to carry on."
Nora: "Pull over."
Lynette: "Oh, lighten up. It's a joke."
Nora: "Pull the car over."
Lynette: "Nora."
Nora: "Pull it over! Pull over, or I will jump out of this car."

Nora starts opening the door. Lynette begins to pull over.

Lynette: "All right, all right, all right, all right. I'm pulling over! Jeez! What the hell are you doing?"
Nora: "Hitching my way to the campsite!"
Lynette: "Nora! You can't be serious!"
Nora: "Shut up! Just get out of my face! I'm not talking to you!"

Nora walks into the middle of the street. She starts flagging a truck down.

Lynette: "All right, now look, you've gone from crazy to stupid. This guy could be dangerous."
Nora: "Well, then, it's your lucky day, huh, Lynette?"

The truck driver honks.

Nora: "Shut up!"
Lynette: "See? This is what you do. You just manipulate. You wormed your way into my family. You conned your way into coming on this trip with me, and now you wanna force me into saving you. Well, forget it! You wanna go, go."

Nora lets out a scream of frustration, then runs and gets into the truck. The truck honks twice as it drives away.

Susan’s Kitchen

Julie is on the phone while working on her science project, which is a replica of a town with electricity.

Julie: "No, I've tried that. It wasn't enough power. Yeah, I'm way ahead of you. All right, here it goes."

She takes a hair dryer and points it toward a fan, which turns on and her project town lights up.

Julie: "Ah, it worked! I'm a genius."

The entire house goes dark.

Edie’s House

Julie rings the doorbell. Austin, wearing only boxer shorts, answers the door.

Julie: "Oh, hi. Um, I'm looking for Edie."
Austin: "She's out."
Julie: "Ugh, God, where is everyone tonight?"
Austin: "Anything I can do?"
Julie: "No, not unless you can fix a fuse box. My science fair project blew the power out."
Austin: "Oh, what's your project?"
Julie: "Oh, uh, it's complicated."
Austin: "You think I'm too dumb to understand your little science project?"
Julie: "It's not little. I finished third in the state twice. Now can you fix the fuse box or not?"
Austin: "Most houses built after nineteen ninety are wired through a circuit breaker. You didn't blow a fuse. You tripped a breaker. Not to challenge a two-time state science fair almost-champion or anything. Let me grab a flashlight."
Julie: "Maybe you could also grab a shirt and some pants. Pants would be nice."

Ian’s Cabin

Ian is knocking at Susan’s door.

Ian: "Susan, can I come in?"
Susan: "I'm with a client. Take a number."
Ian: "Susan, please. Everything I said came out of my, my own insecurity and fear that, that I might, well, I might disappoint you."
Susan: "I was gonna stay mad at you another hour, but your damn accent gets me every time."
Ian: "Blimey, you, you don't say?"
Susan: "Don't push it."

Ian sits on the bed and kisses Susan.

Susan: "Oh, no, I don't mean to break the flow, but I just, um, look, I know that I'm only your second lover ever, and that, I, I know that means a lot, and I just don't want it to mean too much."
Ian: "I'm not following you. What do you want it to mean?"
Susan: "I mean, the last time you did this, it turned into a lifetime commitment, and I'm just, I'm not ready for that."
Ian: "You think I am? Well, I assure you, I'm as capable of having meaningless sex as you are."
Susan: "I have never had meaningless sex."
Ian: "So you were, you were passionately in love, and deeply committed to all eleven of your conquests?"
Susan: "Don't judge me, Mr. Virgin plus one!"
Ian: "Okay, okay, we seem to have gotten off on the wrong foot again. Susan. Cheerio? Bob's your uncle?"
Susan: "Get out!"
Ian: "Can't we at least talk?"
Susan: "Why? You know, every time we do, we just get angry."
Ian: "Well, we're still getting to know each other and that's good. You've learned I'm a tad insecure and I've learned, well, you're just a wee bit touchy."
Susan: "Okay, Ian, you know what? This is not happening. I am just going to sleep, and you can just drive me home in the morning."

Ian leaves and Susan turns out the bedside light.

St Malachi’s Soup Kitchen

Bree is showing Andrew’s picture to the people in line.

Bree: "Uh, excuse me. I'm looking for my son. Have you seen him? Have you seen him?"

Andrew is at the end of the soup line. He pulls his hood further over his head.

Bree: "Excuse me, young man. Have you seen this boy?"

Andrew, with his hood pulled low, tries to walk quickly past Bree, but she stops him.

Bree: "Andrew! Oh, my God, thank God!"
Andrew: "What are you doing here?"
Bree: "Looking for you. How did you get that bruise?"
Andrew: "It's none of your business."
Bree: "Andrew, please!"
Andrew: "Shouldn't you be at home taking care of your new husband?"
Bree: "How did you find out that?"
Andrew: "I read it in the paper. You know, the one I sleep under."
Bree: "Andrew, you have every right to be angry with me, but if you knew how sorry I am..."
Andrew: "If you came here sucking after forgiveness, you came to the wrong place."
Bree: "Andrew, please, can't we just talk about this? I'm your mother, for God sakes! You're my son."
Andrew: "No, you dumped your son at a gas station seven months ago. I'm somebody else now."

Andrew runs away. Bree tries to chase him.

Bree: "Andrew. Andrew! Andrew, please! Andrew!"

Lynette's Car

Lynette is driving along happily, eating and listening to the radio. She sees Nora up ahead on the side of road sitting on a rock. Lynette pulls up to her.

Lynette: "What happened to your ride?"
Nora: "The guy grabbed my boob, so I hit him over the head with his bong, and I got out."

Later, Nora is in Lynette’s car.

Nora: "Look, I'm sorry I freaked out there before. It's just, when you made that crack about suicide, it just kind of hit home."
Lynette: "Oh, my God, Nora. Did you actually..." (Nora nods) "Well, I'm, I'm very sorry. I had no idea. But your life is better now, right? You have a beautiful daughter, and you have that fun job at the pancake house."
Nora: "Oh, yeah, my life's better."
Lynette: "Yeah."
Nora: "But it's not your life. Your life's perfect."
Lynette: "Excuse me? Did you smoke that bong before you beat the guy with it?"
Nora: "It's just, you have it all. You have the kids. You have the career. You have a husband. You're supermom."
Lynette: "And you think that's easy? Okay, I have a good life. Yes, yes, I am very lucky, but I work twelve hours a day, and then I come home to what seems like thirty-three children and husband who refuses to get a job. And believe me, there is not a supermom out there who wouldn't trade in her cape for a chance to read a book and get a massage by a man who has the decency to leave when it's over."
Nora: "Okay, sorry I brought it up."
Lynette: "I'm sorry I said that about Tom. He's doing his best to find a job."
Nora: "Well, you know, maybe he'd try a little harder if he didn't hate advertising so much."
Lynette: "He doesn't hate advertising."
Nora: "Last week, when he came to pick up Kayla and he'd just come from some crappy interview, he said that he'd hated the ad game for, like, freaking ever, and would like to bag the whole thing."
Lynette: "He said that to you? He's never told me that."
Nora: "He's probably afraid to."
Lynette: "Why would he be afraid?"
Nora: "Probably because you're the kind of woman who, when someone says they wanna kill themselves, you say, 'go ahead.'"

Susan’s House

Austin is in the closet working with the breaker switches.

Austin: "You sure you don't want to come in?"
Julie: "No, I'm good."
Austin: "Uh, you really should see what I'm doing, you know, for next time."

Julie goes into the closet.

Austin: "Okay, here's the tripped switch. So first, you move it to 'off,' to reset, then you press it to 'on.'"
Julie: "That's it?"
Austin: "Yeah."
Julie: "You didn't have to come all the way over here to do that. You could've just explained it to me."
Austin: "Yeah, I guess I could've."

Edie walks in.

Edie: "Well. Hello there."
Julie: "Edie! Hi. Oh, sorry. Uh, he was just, he was helping me get the lights back on. I overloaded my circuits."
Edie: "I can see that."
Austin: "Yeah, so she's doing some big science project and she needed me to explain how electricity works. I think that's called irony."
Edie: "Julie, where's your mom?"
Julie: "She's on a trip. Do you need something?"
Edie: "Yeah, back when I could stand her, I loaned her my CD player. I need it."
Julie: "Oh, she took it to the hospital for Mike."
Edie: "Oh, God. This Florence Nightingale act is really chapping my ass. Hey, science guy. I have an experiment for you. Go home, mix two ounces of gin, a splash of Vermouth, and see if it improves my mood when I drink it."

He leaves.

Edie: "Julie, sweetie. You're a good girl. Do yourself a favor and stay away from my nephew."
Julie: "Trust me, I have no interest in swaggering, muscle-bound juvenile delinquents."
Edie: "Honey, that's what every good girl says, just before she becomes a bad girl. Trust me, I know."

Sinclair Hotel - John's Room

Gabrielle and John are in bed.

John: "Just like old times, huh?"
Gabrielle: "Mmm hmm. Except now when we're done, I don't have to proofread your essay on Ethan Frome."
John: "And I don't have to jump out of a window. That's a nice change. Hey, how about I order up a bottle of Dom?"
Gabrielle: "Ooh, I like rich John!"

John's phone rings. He answers ot.

John: "Hello? Oh! Uh, hi. Nothing, uh, you know, just, uh, room service and a movie."
Gabrielle: "What?"

John shushes her.

John: "Really? You're, you're kidding. Uh, no! I'm thrilled. It's, uh, room four-two-four. Me, too. Bye. You gotta get out of here!"

He jumps out of bed and lifts Gabrielle out of the bed.

Gabrielle: "What?"
John: "My fiancée's on her way up."
Gabrielle: "Oh! Your fiancée?"
John: "She was supposed to come tomorrow. Guess she decided to surprise me. Get dressed!"
Gabrielle: "Uh, you, you're engaged? To who?!"
John: "Her name's Tammy. Where's your other shoe?"
Gabrielle: "How could you do this to me? I would never have let you seduce me if I knew you were getting married."
John: "Well, you didn't have any problem sleeping with me when you were married!"
Gabrielle: "You knew about Carlos! My cheating was upfront and honest."
John: "Look, Gaby, we don't have time for this. Get moving."
Gabrielle: "No, I'm not going anywhere. In fact, I wanna meet the blushing bride."
John: "Listen to me, okay? Her name is Tammy Sinclair. As in Sinclair Hotels. As in her father owns this whole damn chain. So, if she catches you in here, I am totally screwed."

Somebody knocks at the door. John opens the door.

Tammy: "Poodle!"

They kiss.

John: "Look at you, surprising me."
Tammy: "Oh, I missed you."
John: "I missed you, too."
Tammy: "Ugh, this room blows. Daddy was supposed to hook us up with a suite."
John: "You know, you're right. Why don't we go down to the front desk and demand one? Come on."
Tammy: "Oh, no. They're all booked. They call this a closet? Where am I supposed to put all my stuff?"
John: "You know, I could really use a drink. Why don't we go down to the bar?"
Tammy: "I'm wiped. I just wanna stay in. Didn't you unpack yet?"

They both look over to John's suitcase in the corner.

John: "No, um, actually, the zipper is stuck, but they have a guy at the hotel that can fix it. You know, I should probably go ahead and take it down to the lobby."
Tammy: "Now? I'm horny."
John: "So am I! But I will be a lot hornier once I get rid of this suitcase."

John starts carrying the suitcase to the elevator. Tammy comes out of the room.

Tammy: "Poodle? Where did this diamond watch come from?"
John: "Shoot, um, that's what you get for surprising me. I didn't get a chance to wrap it. You like it?"
Tammy: "I love it! I'm never taking it off!"
Voice from the suitcase: "Son of a bitch!"

John kicks the suitcase.

Tammy: "Come here, you!"

Tammy pulls John back into their room and the elevator door closes, with the suitcase still inside.

Voice from the suitcase: "John?"

The elevator stops and another couple get in.

Voice from the suitcase: " John, where are you, damn it?"

A finger appears out of the zipper and unzips the bag. Gabrielle climbs out and looks at the couple.

Gabrielle: "Don't laugh. I saved a bundle on airfare."

Ian’s Cabin

Susan is lying in bed. Ian is playing the piano. Susan comes downstairs and sits next to Ian.

Ian: "Susan, I'm so..."
Susan: "Shh. Keep playing."

Ian plays the piano. They kiss.

Bree’s Yard

Bree is working in her garden. Orson approaches.

Orson: "Your azaleas are breathtaking."
Bree: "Thank you."
Orson: "You should be very proud of them."
Bree: "Yeah, it's nice to know that I can raise some things correctly."
Orson: "Darling, be patient. Andrew will come around."
Bree: "No, I don't think he will. I failed him."
Orson: "I think you're being too hard on yourself."
Bree: "And you're not being hard enough. Stop saying that what I did was understandable. I'm a mother who abandoned her child. That's unnatural."
Orson: "Bree, it's hot. You're tired. Why don't you come inside?"
Bree: "Because there is a bottle of chardonnay in the refrigerator and right now, this little chore is the only thing that's keeping me from going inside and drinking the whole damn thing."
Orson: "Well, the azaleas really are lovely."

He kisses her and goes inside. She begins to cry.

Bree: "Yes, they are, aren't they?"

Orson looks out the window at her from inside the house.

Sinclair Hotel

Gabrielle is having breakfast at the outdoor restaurant. John approaches.

John: "Hi. Look, I'm sorry. Here's your watch. I guess I'll just buy Tammy a new one."
Gabrielle: "Don't you mean her daddy will buy her a new one and just launder the money through you?"
John: "I don't blame you for being angry. All right, I should've told you the truth from the start. But when I saw you there in the moonlight, it took me right back to when we were together."
Gabrielle: "Me, too. Do you wanna sit down? You know, you're pretty hard to stay mad at."
John: "Good, 'cause I really didn't want this to end badly."
Gabrielle: "Who says it has to end?"
John: "What are you talking about?"
Gabrielle: "Well, I'm single now and I thought we could maybe..."
John: "Gaby, I'm getting married."
Gabrielle: "Sure, and I was married when we got together."
John: "Right, but that is not how I'm gonna be married."
Gabrielle: "Well, that's what I thought, but trust me, marriage is hard."
John: "I know that, but I love Tammy and I don't wanna screw it up. 'Cause enough of those screw ups and you just end up alone."
Gabrielle: "Yeah, that can happen."
John: "Good-bye, Gabrielle."

Skid Row Area

A man walks up to Andrew, who is sitting in a beat-up chair, reading.

Andrew: "Hey, mister, uh, could you spare a buck or two? I'm really hungry."

The man hands him a bill from his wallet.

Andrew: "Hey, thanks!"

The man is Orson.

Orson: "I'll give you fifty more, you let me buy you lunch."

Coffee Shop

Andrew orders lunch.

Andrew: "Fries and a large root beer. "

Orson hands him a fifty dollar bill.

Andrew: "What am I gonna have to do to earn this?"
Orson: "I told you, I just wanna talk to you."
Andrew: "You another reporter?"
Orson: "No."
Andrew: "You a youth pastor? You trying to save my soul?"
Orson: "You make it sound like a challenge. No, I just wanna understand you, Andrew."
Andrew: "Wait, how did you know my name? You're him, aren't you? You're, uh, the new husband."
Orson: "Orson."
Andrew: "You know, I wouldn't talk to her. What makes her think I'll listen to you?"
Orson: "Your mother doesn't know I'm here."
Andrew: "All right, dad. What do you wanna talk about, dad?"
Orson: "I wanna know how you survive out here. What do you do for money?"
Andrew: "I ask. People give it to me."
Orson: "That's it?"
Andrew: "What do you wanna know? Have I done stuff for money that I'm not proud of? Yeah, sure, but you figured that out as soon I asked you what the fifty was for. But, uh, don't tell my mom. Or you know what? Do. Who cares?"
Orson: "Well, I think part of you wants me to tell her because you know how much it would hurt her. I mean, that's why you're out here, isn't it? To punish her. When will you have punished her enough, Andrew? When you turn to drugs to numb the pain or you catch a disease you'll never be rid of?"
Andrew: "Don't pretend to care about me, all right?"
Orson: "I do care about you, because Bree cares about you. Because we're more alike than you think. I know about rage. I know how it eats you up. But rage goes away and when it does, you're just left with the mess you've made."

The waitress brings Andrew’s lunch in a bag.

Andrew: "Thanks for lunch."
Orson: "You change your mind, you know where to find us."

Lynette’s Car

Lynette is driving everyone home from the camp site.

Lynette: "How's your back?"
Tom: "If I don't breathe, great. God, it has been so long since my back has acted up. Then wham, out of the blue, I'm crying by a tree stump."
Lynette: "Well, you're under a lot of stress. You got a new kid in the family. You're job hunting."
Tom: "Ugh. Are we gonna fight about that again? 'Cause if so, I'm gonna need those last four muscle relaxants."
Lynette: "No, I don't wanna fight. In fact, I was thinking, if you can't find something you like in advertising, maybe you should cast a wider net."
Tom: "Meaning what?"
Lynette: "You're a bright guy. Isn't there anything else you might wanna do?"
Tom: "I'd like to play bass for Aerosmith."
Lynette: "Okay, let's call that the backup plan. But, seriously, don't you have some road not taken, some dream you never got around to?"
Tom: "I don't know, maybe."
Lynette: "Maybe?"
Tom: "I don't know. You get married. You have kids and you lose track of that stuff."
Lynette: "Well, think about it, okay? 'Cause whatever you wanna do, I'm in your corner."
Tom: "Man, did I luck out marrying you."
Lynette: "Tell me something I don't know."

Fairview Community Hospital

Edie walks into Mike’s room

Edie: "Hi, Mike. It's Edie. I'm sorry that I haven't come by to visit. Pretty rough luck, huh? Anyway, I'm, um, here to pick up my CD player. So, well, I hope you feel better soon."

Edie picks up the CD player and turns to go. Then she goes back to the bed and lifts the sheets to look at Mike's crotch.

Edie: "Damn! And that's with the coma."

Edie picks up the box of candy by his bed. She turns back toward Mike and freezes.

Lynette’s Driveway

Lynette is unloading the car. Tom tries to lift a bag, then stops and stretches his back.

"We all carry something with us. Of course, it's nice if we travel with someone who can help lighten the load."

Lynette comes back and picks it up.

Bree’s Front Porch

Andrew knocks on the door. Bree opens the door.

"But usually, it's easier to just drop what we've been carrying so we can get home that much sooner..."

Gabrielle’s House

Gabrielle enters, carrying her suitcase.

"Assuming, of course, there will be someone there to greet us when we arrive."

Ian’s Cabin

Susan is lying in Ian’s arms in bed.

"Why do we clutch at this baggage, even when we're desperate to move on?"

Fairview Community Hospital - Mike's Room

Edie slowly turns around and looks at Mike, who now has his eyes open.

"Because we all know there's a chance we might let go too soon."

~ The End ~

This transcript was compiled and completed on December 24, 2006 by Amanda (desperate_housewives at yahoo dot com) and Lucy.
Last Update: December 24, 2006

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