This was typed by Lucy and Amanda, mere humans, and mistakes are possible. If you find any, no matter how trivial, please let me know. (desperate_housewives at yahoo dot com)

In the interest of finishing the transcripts faster, screen caps will no longer be placed on the transcripts. You can find screen caps at the following websites:
Desperate Housewives
Wisteria Lane
The Suburbs
Desperate Housewives

If you know of any other screen caps sites, please e-mail them to me: (desperate_housewives at yahoo dot com)

Starring
"Susan Mayer" - Teri Hatcher
"Lynette Scavo" - Felicity Huffman
"Bree Van De Kamp" - Marcia Cross
"Gabrielle Solis" - Eva Longoria
"Edie Britt" - Nicollette Sheridan
"Carlos Solis" - Ricardo Antonio Chavira
"Julie Mayer" - Andrea Bowen
"Tom Scavo" - Doug Savant
"Orson Hodge" - Kyle MacLachlan
"Mary Alice Young" - Brenda Strong
"Mike Delfino" - James Denton

Also Starring
"Andrew Van de Kamp" - Shawn Pyfrom
"Danielle Van de Kamp" - Joy Lauren
"Austin Britt" - Josh Henderson
"Preston Scavo" - Brent Kinsman
"Porter Scavo" - Shane Kinsman
"Parker Scavo" - Zane Huett

Guest Starring
"Ian Hainesworth" - Dougray Scott
"Mrs. McCluskey" - Kathryn Joosten
"Carolyn Bigsby" - Laurie Metcalf
"Xiao-Mei" - Gwendoline Yeo
"Nora" - Kiersten Warren
"Alma Hodge" - Valerie Mahaffey
"Dr. Marshall" - Terry Bozeman
"Kayla Huntington" - Rachel Fox
"ER Doctor" - Vernée Watson Johnson
"Li Wang" - Jeanne Sakata
"Guy" - Mike Baldridge
"Older Ma" - Charlie Dell
"Clown" - Dennis W. Hall
"Boy (Face Paint)" - Michael Krepack

Written by: Marc Cherry & Jeff Greenstein
Directed by: Larry Shaw

Lakeview Drive

Alma Hodge is standing in the window of a beautiful house looking out to Lakeview Drive.

"Something awful happened on Lakeview Drive last year. To understand why, you need to know that when Alma Hodge awoke that morning, she had no idea this would be the day she'd leave her husband. Certainly it began normally enough. She put away the groceries, per his instructions."

Alma places cans into the kitchen cupboard. The cans are in uniform rows with matching labels .

"She hung his dry cleaning exactly as he had requested."

Alma hangs a suit in the closet. All the men's clothing in the closet are arranged perfectly in neat sections.

"She folded the towels just as he had taught her."

Alma places folded towels into the closet. Later, she sits at the dining room table looking at her pet parrot, Baby, in his cage.

"It was just before noon..."

Alma: "Momma loves her baby. Does the baby love Momma?"
Baby: "Momma."

"...when something inside Alma broke and she decided it was time to fly away."

Alma stands in the doorway using a lint brush on her husband's suit jacket. He turns and it's Orson Hodge.

"Of course, she knew better than to say this to her husband. He thought Alma was happy. And Orson Hodge did not like to be contradicted."

Alma peeks out the glass on the front door. She watches as Orson drives off.

"So she waited till he left for work."

Alma runs upstairs.

"And then..."

Alma packs her bag as fast as she can, then grabs the birdcage, and runs toward the front door.

Alma: "Oh!"

She trips and falls. The birdcage opens and the parrot flies to the balcony upstairs.

Lakeview Drive Street Corner

Orson is stopped at the stop sign. He glances down and spies dirt on his suit sleeve. He looks disgusted.

Hodge House

Alma is yelling at the parrot.

Alma: "Baby, you've gotta come down now. Momma's in a hurry,"
Baby: "Hurry. Hurry."

Outside, Orson drives up.

Alma: "If you don't get back in your cage right now, I'm gonna have to leave you behind! Please!"

Orson walks in the front door. He sees the suitcase. Baby flies back into the cage. Orson closes the front door.

Outside the Hodge House

Neighbor Carolyn is walking toward the front door.

"The next day Carolyn Bixby stopped by and like most nosy neighbors she knew you learned more if you didn't knock."

Carolyn walks in.

Inside the Hodge House

Carolyn: "Alma, are you home?"

Carolyn sees a bucket and mop in the doorway to the dining room. Orson comes out of the kitchen wearing gloves.

Orson: "Carolyn?"
Carolyn: "I was just looking for Alma. We had a coffee date this morning. She never showed."
Orson: "Ah. Alma left yesterday."
Carolyn: "Left?"
Orson: "Oh, we had a bit of a row."
Carolyn: "Oh. Harvey and I thought we heard some raised voices. So, where'd she go?"
Orson: "Don't know. I wouldn't worry about it. I'm sure she's fine."

Baby, in his cage, begins talking.

Baby: "Orson, no! Orson, no!"

Orson and Carolyn stare at Baby. Orson leads Carolyn to the door with his gloved hands.

Orson: "So, if I hear from Alma, I'll let her know that you dropped by."

Orson closes the front door behind Carolyn. He turns to look at Baby.

Outside the Hodge House

"Yes, Orson Hodge was a man who did not like to be contradicted..."

Orson walks to the curb and sets the empty birdcage with the outgoing trash and walks back into the house.

"...by anyone."

Opening Credits

Flashback - Six Months Ago

It's pouring rain on Wisteria Lane.

"It doesn't rain very often in the town of Fairview, but when it does, it pours."

Orson and Bree are running up the street with Orson's jacket covering them both.

"It was on just such a day that Bree Van de Kamp went on her first date with her new friend, Orson Hodge. A date that ended with a kiss in the rain."

Orson kisses Bree on the sidewalk and they run off.

Gabrielle's Living Room

Gabrielle is sitting with her attorney.

"Gabrielle Solis was conferring with her new divorce lawyer and describing in vivid detail her husband's affair with their maid..."

Xiao-Mei walks in with a tea tray.

"...who also happened to be their surrogate."

Lynette's Front Porch

Lynette, Tom, Kayla, and Nora run onto the porch.

"Meanwhile, Lynette Scavo was busy meeting her husband's illegitimate daughter..."

Nora removes her wet coat, throws it at Lynette, picks up Kayla, and runs into the house. Tom follows, leaving Lynette behind holding Nora's coat.

"...while resisting the urge to strangle the girl's mother."

Susan's Driveway

Susan comes running out of her house and gets into her car.

"This happened just after Susan Mayer learned Mike Delfino had been badly injured in a hit and run accident and was now in a coma at Fairview Memorial Hospital."

Susan speeds down Wisteria Lane in her car.

Paul Young's Front Yard

Edie is hanging a Fairview Realty "For Sale"sign.

"At that same moment, Edie Britt was putting up a For Sale sign on the lawn of the house where I once lived. Edie had also planned to spruce up the property by washing down the driveway, but she was pleased to see the rain had already taken care of that. This is what rainy days are good for."

Bree's House

Bree and Orson, soaking wet, run through the front door.

"They make everything clean again."

Gabrielle's Front Porch

The lawyer walks away in the rain. Gabrielle goes back into her house passing by Xiao-Mei.

"Which is necessary on a street like Wisteria Lane..."

Lynette's Front Porch

Tom follows Kayla and Nora into the house. Lynette is standing on the porch still holding Nora's coat.

"...where everything can get so messy."

Lynette looks at the coat she is holding, throws in down onto the porch, and walks into the house, closing the door.

Present Day - Wisteria Lane

There is an open house being held at the Young house. A potential buyer walks in the front door.

Edie: "Welcome. Welcome. Oh, don't worry about the water, the floors are laminated. Here's a flyer."

Edie turns as she hears Mrs. McCluskey talking to a female potential buyer.

Mrs. McCluskey: "They found her severed fingers in the garage."
Potential buyer #2: "Oh, no."
Mrs. McCluskey: "And they never found Felicia's body. I wouldn't be surprised if someday you opened the cabinet and hello!"

Edie comes up behind Mrs. McCluskey and grabs her arm.

Edie: "Karen, dear. Have you seen the marble backsplash? Oh, I just must show it to you. Excuse us."

Edie pulls Karen away.

Edie: "What are you trying to do to me, you back-stabbing cow?"
Karen: "They asked why the owner was selling. I told them that Paul Young was in jail. They asked why. Conversation has a flow."
Edie: "Well, knock it off! I've been trying to unload this house of horrors for months now and you are not helping."

Karen reaches for some pastries on the table.

Edie: "Ah, ah, ah. Those are for potential buyers. You withered old mooch!"
Karen: "Well, good luck trying to find one of those. Maybe you'll have an easier time with the Applewhite house and that rec room in the basement."
Edie: "Get out."

Edie opens the front door and pushes Karen out.

Edie: "Get out, get out, get out, get out!"
Potential Buyer #3: "Edie, uh, do you have a moment, please?"
Edie: "Yes, yes, yes, yes."

Lynette's House

Lynette, all dressed up, is fixing Tom's tie. The kids, also all dressed up, are all on the couch. Kayla and Nora are in the background.

Lynette: "Settle down."
Kids: "Come on!"
Lynette: "Kayla ready yet?"
Nora: "Just a sec."
Tom: "Honey, thank you for this. I know it's a little weird, I mean, to send out a family Christmas photo with your husband's love child, but it means a lot to her to feel included."
Lynette: "No problem. She's a great little girl."

Lynette kisses Tom.

Lynette: "All right, let's do this. I'm just going to, uh, check the focus."

Lynette looks in the viewfinder and sees Nora, wearing a Santa hat, sitting down on the arm of the couch getting into the photo.

Lynette: "Nora."
Nora: "Lynette."
Lynette: "Uh huh. What are you doing there?"
Nora: "Well, it's a family photo, right?"
Lynette: "Tom, could I, could I check your tie again?"

Tom and Lynette go into the kitchen.

Tom: "She sat down so quickly, I didn't know what to say."
Lynette: "How about, 'you're in the frame, bitch, move.'"
Tom: "Lynette."
Lynette: "No, I am sorry. How much of her crap do I have to put up with? First it's little drop bys, than she's inviting herself to dinner three times a week. Now she wants to be in our Christmas photo? I'm sorry, no, that's not happening."
Nora: "Hey, guys. Don't fight, it's the holidays."
Lynette: "Nora, this is just for our family. I would prefer if you weren't in it."
Nora: "Oh, okay. Kayla, honey, we gotta go. They're kicking us out."
Tom: "We didn't say that Kayla couldn't be in the photo."
Nora: "Yeah, well, you know what? If I'm not your family, then she's not your family."
Kayla: "It's okay. I don't have to be in the picture."

Tom looks at Lynette.

Lynette: "Fine, fine, no absolutely fine." (whispering to Tom) "Put Crazy at the end and we will crop her out later."
Tom: "Fair enough, fair enough. Hey, everything's okay. It's okay, come on guys, come on back."
Nora: "Thank you, Lynette. That's the Christmas spirit that I was looking for."

Lynette sets up the camera's timer.

Lynette: "Ten seconds."

She runs into the picture.

Nora: "I think this is a little stiff. I have a really fun idea."

Nora dives onto the Scavo kids laps and into the center of the frame as it clicks. The picture is freeze framed with Lynette and Tom looking very shocked.

Gabrielle's Bedroom

Gabrielle is carrying a food tray to a very pregnant Xiao-Mei who is lying on Gabrielle's bed.

Xiao-Mei: "Where are my crackers?"
Gabrielle: "We're out, but I got you a pickle."
Xiao-Mei: "Pickles and soup? Who eats that?"
Gabrielle: "You know, that's all I got."
Xiao-Mei: "Every heard of a store?"

Xiao-Mei throws the pickle onto the floor.

Gabrielle: "You did not just do that!"
Xiao-Mei: "I hate pickles."
Gabrielle: "Pick it up!"
Xiao-Mei: "Doctor say I only get out of bed to pee. Better for baby. Remember?"

Gabrielle picks the pickle up and begins to leave the room.

Xiao-Mei: "Don't go! I need you to rub my feet. They're sore and doctor say..."
Gabrielle: "Oh, cut it out, Xiao-Mei. The doctor didn't say anything about rubbing your chubby stumps. Rub 'em yourself."
Xiao-Mei: "You treat me like dirt."
Gabrielle: "Would you rather go live with Mr. Solis in a dingy one bedroom apartment with no air conditioning and no cable? Huh? No, I didn't think so."
Xiao-Mei: "You are meanest person I know."
Gabrielle: "I am THE meanest person. You've been in the country a year. Modify your nouns, damn it."
Xiao-Mei: "What. A. Bitch."
Gabrielle: "I can't wait for you to pop out that baby because when you do, I am putting you on the first plane back to Shanghai, and you're gonna be on all fours in a rice patty before the epidural wears off!"
Xiao-Mei: "But you promised to get me apartment in Chinatown, so I can work for my friend in restaurant. Start a new life."
Gabrielle: "Tell it to my Chinese friend, Sue Me!"

Fairview Memorial Hospital

Mike is lying in bed in a coma as Susan shaves his face.

Doctor: You know we do have people here in the hospital who do that."
Susan: "But I like doing it. I think Mike would want me to. Oops. Oh."

The doctor hands Susan a tiny piece of toilet paper to cover the cut on Mike's face. Mike already has several pieces of paper covering cuts on his face.

Susan: "So you've got the results of his latest MRI yet?"
Doctor: "I'm afraid there was no change."
Susan: "Oh. Well how long until you can do another one?"
Doctor: "I don't want to tell you not to be optimistic but..."
Susan: "Look, I know it's been six months, but he could still come out of it, right? I saw on the news there was this woman in Peru, she woke up after ten years."
Doctor: "There's a reason that made the news."
Susan: "You might think I'm naïve but I know he's coming back to me."
Doctor: "Susan."
Susan: "Don't say it. You just keep doing your job and I'll keep doing mine. Oops."

Susan puts another tiny piece of paper on another cut.

Bree's Dining Room

Bree and Orson are having a candlelit dinner.

Bree: "That risotto was perfect."
Orson: "Just like you. Listen, I hope you saved room for dessert."

Orson clears the dinner dishes and takes them into the kitchen. He comes back holding a bakery box.

Orson: "I got us something special from a wonderful little bakery downtown."
Bree: "Oh."

Orson opens the bakery box. Inside are two desserts. One is shaped in a blue Tiffany box. He places the blue box in front of Bree.

Bree: "That is so adorable, but I don't think I can eat another bite."
Orson: "Here, let me take half."

Orson removes the lid. There is an engagement ring inside.

Orson: "What do you say, Bree? Will you marry me?"
Bree: "This is a little sudden, isn't it?"
Orson: "We've only known each other six months but I've loved you every minute of it. But if you don't share my feelings..."
Bree: "No, no, um, I do. It just that um, I can't help being cautious. Since Rex, I haven't been exactly lucky in love."
Orson: "I used to feel the same way. When Alma left me, I was shattered. But, I realize now that it was the luckiest day of my left because it meant I was free when I met you. Luck can change, Bree. Let me change yours."
Bree: "Yes."
Orson: "Yes?"
Bree: "Yes, I will marry you, Orson."

Orson takes the ring out of the box and puts it on Bree's finger. He sighs as he pulls the bow off of the confectionary box and eats it.

Fairview Memorial Hospital

Ian Hainesworth is sitting in a chair looking at his comatose wife, Jane.

"Ian Hainesworth had been miserable ever since a tragic horseback riding accident had left his wife, Jane, in a coma."

Flashback

Ian is getting coffee from the coffee machine. He walks by a group of laughing young nurses.

"For the next three years, he shied away from all social contact because he wanted to be alone with his grief."

Flashback

Ian is getting coffee. He turns and runs into Susan. They talk and shake hands.

"Then one day he met Susan Mayer, who because of her own tragedy was just as miserable as he was."

Flashback

Ian getting coffee, runs into Susan. They talk and laugh and walk away together.

"And a friendship slowly blossomed. Because as everyone knows, misery loves company. And Ian was loving this company...."

Present Day

Ian walks down the hallway carrying two cups of coffee.

"...more and more everyday."

Fairview Memorial Hospital - Mike's Room

Susan is exercising Mike by rotating his arm. Ian walks in as Susan scratches her face with Mike's hand.

Susan: "Two, three. Oh, itch, itch, itch. Oh, itch, itch, itch."
Ian: "Do the nurses know you do this?"
Susan: "Oh, hey. Um, you weren't supposed to see that."
Ian: "Well, clearly. You can buy my silence if you'll have coffee with me."
Susan: "Oh, I would love to, but I think I'm in a rush here. I'm supposed to meet my girlfriends for lunch at one. Is it one yet?"
Ian: "Well, you tell me. I noticed you are always rushing into the hall to check the time, so I, um, well, I bought you this."

Ian pulls a watch out of his pocket and holds it out to Susan.

Susan: "Oh, wow. Um, I, I can't accept this. This is too extravagant."
Ian: "Oh, no it's nothing. There's a guy on the sidewalk had a bunch of them laid out on a blanket. If you check closely it says Folex."
Susan: "Ha, still I..."
Ian: "Please, it would make me so happy if you took it."
Susan: "Well, in that case, thank you for my cheap knock-off. Oh, my god, I'm late."

Susan grabs her purse and coat and rushes out.

Fairview Country Club

Construction work is going on. A posted sign says "Coming Soon, Our New Pro Shop."

Bree walks into the dining room where Susan, Lynette and Gabrielle are waiting.

Bree: "Hi, hi, hi, hi. I'm so sorry I'm late."
Lynette: "No, that's fine. Wow, white gloves. What are we having lunch in the 1880s?"
Bree: "Well, it's a very elegant club. You know Orson's been a member here for years. It will be even nicer when they finish the construction."
Susan: "So, you were very mysterious on the phone. Why did you want to have lunch?"
Bree: "Well, um, I wanted to invite you to a dinner that Orson and I are having this Saturday."
Susan: "So you asked us to a meal to announce another meal? That's so Bree of you."
Gabrielle: "What's the occasion?"
Bree: "Oh, um, no occasion. Just a little get-together."
Lynette: "What are you being so coy about?"
Bree: "I'm not being coy."
Lynette: "She said coyly."
Gabrielle: "If you don't tell us, we're not coming."
Bree: "Oh, all right. I wanted to wait and make a proper announcement, but..."

Bree removes the white glove on her left hand. The girls see her ring. Bree holds her hand out to Gabrielle.

Bree: "Orson and I are engaged."
Gabrielle: "Oh my gosh!"
Lynette: "Wow!"
Susan: "Oh, let me see. Oh."
Lynette: "You move fast."
Bree: "I know it's quick but it's just feel so right. Orson is just the most warm, wonderful, generous man."
Gabrielle: "Oh, generous. That means he's good in the sack."
Bree: "Actually, uh, no, we haven't had sex yet. We're waiting until we get married."

Gabrielle breaks out in laughter. Bree looks shocked.

Gabrielle: "Oh my god, you're serious? No sex at all? No even, um..."
Bree: "Whatever you're alluding to, no."
Gabrielle: "But you're gonna get married. You wouldn't buy a car without at least taking it for a little test drive. It's not like you've never slept with a guy you weren't married to."
Bree: "True, I have in the past, given myself away too freely. How charming of you to bring that up while I'm announcing my engagement. But I'd like to think that I have learned from my mistakes. So the dinner is at eight o'clock and when we make the announcement, please, everybody look surprised."
Gabrielle: "Oh, don't worry, I'm just gonna replay the look I had when I found out you hadn't banged him yet."

Bree gasps out loud.

Lynette's House

Lynette and Tom are busy preparing for a party. Tom is filling balloons with helium. As Lynette comes up next to him, Tom breathes in some helium.

Tom (voice distorted): "Hey, Sexy Momma."
Lynette (laughing): "That's cute."
Tom: "So, you invited Kayla to Parker's birthday party, right?"
Lynette: "Of course."
Tom: "And?"
Lynette: "And?"
Tom: "What did you tell Nora?"
Lynette: "I told her that we were picking up Kayla for a quiet afternoon at home."
Tom: "You lied?"
Lynette: "Yeah, you're damn straight I lied. I will not have that lunatic ruining one more family gathering."
Tom: "But Kayla's gonna, you know, tell Nora that we had a party and I'm just afraid that Nora's gonna blow a gasket. What?"
Lynette: "So what are you saying? You're more afraid of Nora than you are of me?"
Tom: "Is that what you think I meant, because that is so not what I meant. You scare the hell out of me, baby."
Lynette: "Thank you."

Fairview Memorial Hospital

Ian is arranging flowers in Jane's room as Susan walks in carrying two cups.

Susan: "The coffee machine was broken, so I got us a couple of smoothies. They had strawberry and strawberry."
Ian: "Well, I hate strawberry, so give me the strawberry."

Susan hands Ian the cup. She puts her purse down and goes to Jane's bedside as Ian goes behind the curtain to arrange the flowers.

Susan: "Hi, Jane."
Ian: "Nothing, nothing against smoothies but um, I wouldn't mind having some real food sometime. Maybe we could go to a restaurant."
Susan: "You mean like outside the hospital?"
Ian: "Yeah, you know, like a date."

Susan spins quickly toward the curtain that Ian is behind and her smoothie goes flying all over Jane.

Susan: "A date?"

She gasps.

Ian: "Yeah, there's a lovely little bistro down the street."

Susan grabs some tissues and blots at the smoothie covering Jane.

Susan (to Jane): "Sorry. Really." (to Ian) "Ah, well that sounds, ah, just, that sounds great."

Susan tries to pull the curtain to clean Jane but it won't reach.

Ian: "I mean, I hope that's okay?"
Susan: "Yeah, uh."

Susan runs and grabs a blanket. She throws it over Jane. She tries to arrange it neatly just as Ian comes out with the arranged flowers.

Ian: "No, no, no, I was thinking about how that sounded just now. The, uh, date thing. Really sprang it on you out of nowhere."
Susan: "Yes, you did."

Ian looks down and sees the blanket covering Jane.

Susan: "Jane looked cold."
Ian: "Oh. Thanks. Look, we're, um, we're both in difficult situations. I've been in mine a lot longer than you have, so if you're not ready, I understand. If you ever should be, uh, let, let me know."
Susan: "All right. Well, I am really hungry."
Ian: "Well, then let's go, let's go to the blood bank and swipe some sugar cookies."

As Ian and Susan leave the room, a nurse walks in. Susan stops the nurse.

Susan: "Oh, uh, you might want to give Jane a sponge bath 'cause she had a little accident."

Lynette's Backyard

It's decorated with balloon and party trimming. Kids are running, screaming, and playing. Phone rings and Lynette answers.

Lynette: "Hello."
Nora: "Hey Lynette, it's me."
Lynette: "Hey, Nora."
Nora: "Are you having a party?"

Lynette holds her hand over the phone and tries to silence everyone. Tom also tries to silence the kids.

Lynette: "Shh, shh. Quiet, shush!"
Tom: "Quiet!"
Lynette (into the phone): "No, no, no, of course not. In fact we're just having a quiet afternoon at home. The kids are so bored, Tom and I were thinking about taking them out for ice cream."
Nora: "Well, would you tell Kayla that Mommy called to check on her?"
Lynette: "Oh, I will, I will. And I'll see you tonight."
Nora: "Okay, bye."
Tom: "You think she bought it?"
Lynette: "No, I think she'll be over here in ten minutes."

Later...

Everyone is grabbing everything. Tom is pulling down the birthday signs.

Lynette: "Okay, let's move, let's move. I've got ten bucks here for the kid who can carry the most stuff. Okay?"

The kids are all scrambling around grabbing stuff. Lynette is on the phone.

Lynette: "Hey, Gaby, it's Lynette. Got a little emergency here. Is it okay if we use your backyard? Great, great, and we take complete responsibility for whatever the pony does. Hope you get this message soon. Oh!"

Lynette sees more balloons and runs to grab them.

Paul Young's House

Edie is giving a tour to a couple

Man: "My only concern would be the neighborhood. We really need a quiet place for our retirement."
Edie: "Oh, are you kidding? There's no place in Fairview that's more peaceful."

Edie opens the front door. Lynette, Tom, a bunch of kids, and a clown are all running down the street carrying balloons and toys and screaming. Edie closes the door and smiles at the couple.

Lynette: "Okay, kids. Come on, Come on!"

Edie quickly closes the door.

Edie: "Let me show you the media room."

Gabrielle's Back Yard

Lynette is guiding all the kids into the yard. She and Tom close the gate.

Lynette: "C'mon. Go on in. C'mon. Take the balloons. Okay, all right, okay, all right, everybody's in."
Tom: "Where's the cake?"
Lynette: "Oh, crap!"

Lynette takes off running.

Lynette's Kitchen

Lynette picks up the cake with candles on it.

Nora: "Yoo hoo! Anybody home?"

Nora enters through the front door. Lynette puts the cake on the floor and kicks it so it slides into the laundry room, out of sight.

Nora: "Hello?"
Lynette: "Hey, Nora, wow. We weren't expecting you until seven."
Nora: "So, where's Kayla?"
Lynette: "I thought I told you, Tom took the kids to the movies."
Nora: "Uh-uh. You said ice cream."
Lynette: "Uh huh, after the movies. Movies, then ice cream. An American tradition. So, is something wrong?"
Nora: "To be honest, I thought that you were lying and having a party."
Lynette: "Oh."
Nora: "I guess I was wrong."
Lynette: "Oh, apology accepted. You want me to walk you to your car?"

Just then, a little boy with a party hat on and his face painted comes out of the bathroom.

Little Boy: "Where did everybody go?"

Lynette's Front Porch

Nora comes storming out. Lynette follows.

Lynette: "Nora, look I am sorry I lied. You know you gave me no choice. It's-"
Nora: "Lynette, I want my daughter. Where's the damn party?"
Lynette: "No, I'm not telling."
Nora: "Where's the party?"

Lynette shakes her head "no." Just then Nora sees a red balloon floating out of Gabrielle's back yard. They both take off running. Lynette passes Nora and blocks Gabrielle's gate.

Lynette: "No, no, no!. You want in you're, going to have to go through me."
Nora: "I want my kid, Lynette." (screaming) "KAYLA! KAYLA COME OUT HERE NOW!"

Tom comes out.

Tom: "What is going on?"
Nora: "Well, first you have a party and you don't invite me. And then you lie about it. So now, we're leaving."

Kayla comes out. Tom holds her back.

Tom: "Wait a minute, hold on, hold on, hold on Kayla. I'm sorry. We're sorry. We shouldn't have done that."

Lynette turns and looks at Tom, disgusted.

Tom: "But look, Kayla is having such a good time. Why don't we all just come on in and have some cake and we can just..."

Lynette turns and begins to walk away.

Tom: "Lynette, Lynette. We can just have fun. Could you excuse me for one second?"

Tom runs after Lynette.

Tom: "Lynette, Lynette. Okay, okay, I know, but what else could I do? I'm just thinking of Kayla."
Lynette: "I know you are, Tom, and I know you love her. Why else do you think I'm willing to put up with all this for six months? Why do you think I'm willing to say to my college roommates, 'Yes, that's my husband's love child and her mother in our Christmas picture.'? Because I am your wife! You always come first with me. Do I still come first with you?"

Tom turns and marches back to Nora and Kayla.

Tom: "I guess I'll see you later, Nora."
Nora: "Well, I'm taking Kayla."
Tom: "Well, that's a shame. I've gotta go hoist a piñata!"
Kayla: "Oh, Mommy, they have a piñata!"
Nora: "Fine! I'll be back at seven. But there had better be a corner piece of cake waiting for me."

Nora leaves.

Tom: "Come on, Kayla, go have some fun."

Kayla runs back into the backyard.

Lynette: "Thank you for that."
Tom: "Sure. I'll be back in twenty minutes."
Lynette: "Gonna go buy a piñata?"
Tom: "Sure am."

Gabrielle's Bedroom

Gabrielle enters the empty bedroom carrying a tray with food on it.

Gabrielle: "Xiao-Mei? Come on out, I have your lunch." (she turns on the TV) "Xiao-Mei, your favorite soap is on. There's a doctor fondling a patient on the operating table. You're missing it! Xiao-Mei? Xiao-Mei?"

Gabrielle runs to the closet. She opens it and it's completely empty.

Villa Foster Apartment Complex

Carlos is carrying in boxes from his car. Gabrielle drives up.

Gabrielle: "Hey! Quick question. Have you by any chance seen Xiao-Mei?"

Chinatown

Carlos and Gabrielle are walking through the busy marketplace.

Carlos: "I can't believe you lost our baby!"
Gabrielle: "I did not lose our baby. Stop saying that! I know exactly where it is. Inside some crazy Chinese woman. Who also stole half a chicken from my fridge!"

Chinese Restaurant

Gabrielle and Carlos walk in. Gabrielle approaches the owner. Li Wang is carrying a plate of Moo Sho Pork.

Gabrielle: "Hi, hi, Li Wang, right? Remember me. Xiao-Mei lives with me. You came over, we had lunch."
Li: "You got some nerve showing your face here! Get out!"
Gabrielle: "Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Hey, what happened to that famous Chinese hospitality?"
Li: "Xiao-Mei called me. She said you threatened to send her back to China to work as a slave in a rice patty!"
Gabrielle: "I may have mentioned deportation, but I didn't think she'd take it personally."
Carlos: "Are you crazy?"
Gabrielle: "It was banter! I mean, has this country come to the point where you can't joke with the help?"

Gabrielle taps Li's arm lightly with her purse.

Li: "You treat Xiao-Mei like dirt! She's just a poor innocent girl trying to live the American dream, just like your ancestors!"
Gabrielle: "Oh, don't give me that 'we are the world' crap! That woman's uterus is harboring a stolen baby. So if you know where she is you'd better start taking, or else I'm gonna get the Health Department down her and get a closer look at what you're serving as Moo Shu Pork!"

Outside the Restaurant

Carlos and Gabrielle walk out. The front of Gabrielle's shirt is covered with Moo Sho Pork. Gabrielle walks as though nothing happened. Carlos is smirking.

Gabrielle: "Boy, those people just don't have a sense of humor, do they?"

Paul Young's House

Edie is showing the house to two young men.

Edie: "I'm telling you at this number, it's not going to last long."
Young Man #1: "Well, we like the neighborhood but we've heard that some odd things have gone on with this house."
Edie: "Complete fabrications. Malicious lies fed by jealous competitors. Now you've got to check out this storage. You're not gonna believe what you can fit in here."

Edie opens the downstairs closet. Xiao-Mei is sitting in the closet with a plate of food. She makes the shushing motion to Edie, who quickly closes the door.

Edie: "And now the media room."

Bree's Kitchen

Bree is carrying in two bowls. Orson is right behind her.

Bree: "Wow, we certainly devoured that ice cream. Can I get you anything else?"

Orson puts his arms around Bree from behind and begins kissing her neck.

Orson: "You tell me."
Bree: "Hm. Orson."
Orson: "Hm."

Bree turns and he kisses her. He begins untying her blouse.

Bree: "Ummm. Ummm. I thought we...Orson?"
Orson: "Hm? I just assumed now that we're engaged."
Bree: "Does that change our core values?"
Orson: "No. But when I saw you standing in front of the freezer in a clingy silk dress, let's just say, well, you challenged me."
Bree: "Well, I thought we agreed we wanted our wedding night to be perfect."
Orson: "Yes. Actors want opening night to be perfect. That's why they rehearse."
Bree: "It'lll be better this way. Now, can I get you some more ice cream?"
Orson: "Not in that dress."

Fairview Memorial Hospital

Susan enters Mike's room. She lies down on the bed next to Mike.

Susan: "Hi. So I need to ask you something. Ian, you know, from across the hall. You met him. Anyway, he sort of asked me out on a date. I know you're thrown. I was thrown too. But he's really nice and I could sort of use someone to talk to who also talks back. The thing is, I'm sort of lonely. The past six months have been really hard on me. So what I need is I need to know if it's okay with you if I go out with him. Because if it's not, I won't. In fact, I'd like nothing better than for you to just wake up right now and tell me not to go out with him. Just wake up and tell me! Wake up! Please!"

Susan puts her head on Mike's chest.

Susan: "Oh. All right. I'll see you tomorrow."

She leans over and kisses him.

Susan: "I love you. It is really just dinner."

Carlos' Apartment Building

Gabrielle, on the phone, is parked at the curb.

Gabrielle: "I'm just dropping off Carlos now and I'll be by to pick her up. Okay, thanks Edie." (hangs up) "Xiao-Mei's fine. Crisis averted, no harm, no foul."
Carlos: "How can you say that? You endangered the life of our baby today."
Gabrielle: "Don't you dare give me that attitude. You have no idea what I've been going through this past six months."
Carlos: "Ah, here we go."
Gabrielle: "I have had to wait hand and foot on your mistress. I mean imagine if the day after you found out about John Rowland, you had to make his lunch and rub his feet!"
Carlos: "Well, John Rowland wasn't carrying our kid! Forgive me for being concerned about our surrogate."
Gabrielle: "Xiao-Mei is going to be fine! Once that baby comes her slate is wiped clean. She's going to walk away, go off and live her American dream! Me? I'm gonna be stuck! A single mother raising a child alone. Haggling with lawyers on who gets the kid at Christmas. My American dream is officially dead."
Carlos: "I'm sorry."
Gabrielle: "Thank you."
Carlos: "Just so you know, my dream isn't..."

Gabrielle speeds away, tires screeching.

Bree's Kitchen

Orson is at the sink wearing gloves scrubbing out wine glasses. Bree enters talking on the phone.

Bree: "Okay, so we will see you Saturday and please pretend to be surprised. Bye."

Bree hangs up.

Orson: "Told someone else? Bree, I thought the whole point of the party was to announce our engagement."
Bree: "I just can't help it. I like telling people. Makes me feel, I don't know. It makes me feel like I'm starting over. It feels good."
Orson: "Feels good to me too."

He turns to kiss her. He puts his gloved hand behind his back.

Orson: "Ahh. No hands, see?"

They kiss. Bree looks as the glasses Orson is washing.

Bree: "You don't have to wash those. I already did them."
Orson: "Oh, I found some streaks. So, I'm wiping them down with undiluted red wine vinegar."
Bree: "I've never heard of that."
Orson: "Oh, sure. And for tougher spots I use a fifty-fifty mix of denatured alcohol and water. And for those really intractable stains, I mean, we're talking shower doors, I wipe on laquer thinner with a towel."

Bree is breathing heavily and staring at Orson.

Orson: "Bree?"

Bree grabs Orson and kisses him passionately. She drags him into the bedroom. The kitchen faucet is still on.

Bree's Bedroom

Bree and Orson are on the bed kissing. They begin undressing. Orson starts kissing Bree while moving lower and lower down her body.

Bree: "Uh, excuse me."
Orson: "Hmm?"
Bree: "Did you lose something?"
Orson: "No, I just thought, for you."
Bree: "Oh! Um. I don't do that."
Orson: "Why not?"
Bree: "I'm a Republican!"
Orson: "I'm a Libertarian. I believe in minimizing the role of the State and maximizing individual rights."
Bree: "But Orson!"
Orson: "Trust me. I know what I'm doing."
Bree: "Okay."

Orson goes back down.

Bree's Kitchen Sink

The faucet is pouring into a cup. The cup overflows into a bowl. The bowl overflows into a dish. The dish overflows into the sink. The sink fills up and the water overflows onto the floor.

Bree's Bedroom

Bree sits up quickly and gasps.

Bree: "Ah. Oh, no!"
Orson: "What? You didn't just crack that veneer again, did you?"
Bree: "I have to go."
Orson: "Go? Go where?"

Doctor's Office

A female doctor is examining Bree.

Bree: "And then it was like something inside ruptured. Well, not so much a rupture as a spasm. Waves of this hot, clutching. I might have had a small stroke!"
Doctor: "How severe were the pains?"
Bree: "Well, that's the odd thing. I mean there was no pain, per se, in fact, it wasn't entirely unpleasant."
Doctor: "What were you doing at the time?"
Bree: "I was, ah, with my fiancé. We were lying down, resting."
Doctor: "I'm gonna take a wild swing here. Were you having sex?"
Bree: "Sort of."
Doctor: "Ms. Van de Kamp, I think you may have had an orgasm."
Bree: "No, no, no. I've had orgasms before."
Doctor: "Hm. How would you describe them?"
Bree: "Oh you know, that warm sensation, that tingling feeling of relief when it's over. No, no, this was much..."
Doctor: "Better?"
Bree: "Yes,"
Doctor: "That's 'cause it was an orgasm."
Bree: "Oh. Well, I'll be darned."

Wisteria Lane - Nighttime - Rainy

A woman holding an umbrella over her head is walking toward Bree's house.

Bree's Living Room

Guests are there for Bree and Orson's party. Gabrielle hands someone a drink.

Gabrielle: "Here you go."

Julie is looking at Bree's engagement ring.

Julie: "It's beautiful."
Mrs. McCluskey: "Oh, my goodness."

The doorbell rings. Bree goes to answer the door. Carolyn Bixby is standing there.

Bree: "Hi, can I help you?"
Carolyn: "Are you Bree Van de Kamp?"
Bree: "Yes, and you are?"
Carolyn: "Carolyn Bixby. I was Orson's neighbor."
Bree: "Oh, well, come on in. Let's dry you off and get you a drink."

Carolyn follows Bree into the living room.

Carolyn: "I didn't come here to celebrate."
Orson: "Carolyn."
Carolyn: "Engaged again? That was quick work. Does she know you killed your wife?"
Orson: "My wife left me."
Carolyn: "And no one ever heard from her again. Not me, not her family. Just dropped off the face of the Earth."
Bree: "Orson, what is she talking about?"
Carolyn: "Didn't tell you that part, did he?"
Orson: "All right Carolyn. You've made your little speech."
Carolyn: "You keep your hands off me. Don't let him fool you. Get away from him now while you can."

Bree goes to the front door.

Bree: "Please leave my house."
Carolyn: "Fine. Be a fool. Marry him. Just don't be surprised when you go missing, too."

Carolyn leaves. Bree closes the door and walks into the kitchen as the shocked guests watch. Orson follows her into the kitchen.

Orson: "I'm sorry you had to endure that."
Bree: "Your wife disappeared?"
Orson: "I tried to find her. Her family claimed not to have heard from her. Personally, I think she was just trying to punish me."
Bree: "So, are you still married?"
Orson: "No. I was granted a divorce on grounds of abandonment." (he takes Bree's hand in his) "Bree, you can't possibly think that..."
Bree: "No, of course not. I love you."
Orson: "And I love you."
Bree: "Orson, my hand."

He lets go and Bree walks away. Susan, Lynette, and Gabrielle are talking quietly to each other in the living room as Bree walks in.

Bree: "The buffet is open."
Susan: "Bree?"

Bree holds up her hand, stopping Susan. The guests walk up to the table.

Later, the platters on the table are empty and the guests are gone. Bree walks out of the kitchen with a full trash bag.

Bree's Front Yard

She walks outside into the rain to the trashcans on the curb.

"Every storm brings with it hope that somehow by morning, everything will be made clean again. And even the most troubling stains will have disappeared."

Bree stands in the rain by the trashcans. Orson comes out and stares at her.

"Like the doubts over his innocence..."

Lynette's Front Porch

Lynette runs up and goes in the door. She sees Kayla and Tom playing in the living room.

"...or the consequence of his mistake..."

Gabrielle's House

Gabrielle walks in the front door. Xiao-Mei is sitting at the table, eating.

"...like the scars of his betrayal..."

Susan's House

Susan walks in. She sits next to a picture of Mike and her in happy times.

"...or the memory of his kiss."

Bree's House

Bree is still standing in the rain. Orson walks back into the house.

"So we wait for the storm to pass hoping for the best..."

Fairview Country Club – Construction Site

The pouring rain is causing the mud to run.

"...even though we know in our hearts some stains are so indelible, nothing can wash them away."

In the mud, a lifeless hand is slightly uncovered.

~ The End ~

This transcript was compiled and completed on October 8, 2006 by Amanda (desperate_housewives at yahoo dot com) and Lucy.
Last Update (corrected minor HTML error and missing word): February 24, 2007

Return to EPISODES
Return to HOME