This was typed by Lucy, foxhidden, and Amanda, mere humans, and mistakes are possible. If you find any, no matter how trivial, please let me know. (desperate_housewives at yahoo dot com)

In the interest of finishing the transcripts faster, screen caps will no longer be placed on the transcripts. You can find screen caps at the following websites:
Desperate Housewives
Wisteria Lane
The Suburbs
Desperate Housewives

If you know of any other screen caps sites, please e-mail them to me: (desperate_housewives at yahoo dot com)

Guest stars
"Andrew Van de Kamp" - Shawn Pyfrom
"Danielle Van de Kamp" - Joy Lauren
"Matthew Applewhite" - Mehcad Brooks
"Preston Scavo" - Brent Kinsman
"Porter Scavo" - Shane Kinsman
"Parker Scavo" - Zane Huett
"Caleb" - Nashawn Kearse
"Felicia Tilman" - Harriet Sansom Harris
"Mrs. McCluskey" - Kathryn Joosten
"Xiao-Mei" - Gwendoline Yeo
"Nora" - Kiersten Warrn
"Bud Penrod" - Stephen Tobolowsky
"Orson" - Kyle MacLachlan
"Cop #2" - Boo Arnold
"Property Manager" - Bill Bolender
"Nurse" - Lisa Fredrickson
"Maureen" - Lindsay Hollister
"Air Marshal" - Wayne Lopez
"Doctor" - Dougald Park
"Cop #1" - Arnell Powell
"Barbie" - Tiffany Thornton

Written by: Kevin Murphy & Chris Black
Directed by: Wendey Stanzler

Outside Susan's Burnt House - Daytime

Susan is rummaging through the remnants of her home. She finds a picture of Gabrielle, Bree, Mary Alice, Lynette, and herself in happy times.

"Susan Mayer had always believed the one thing about hard times is that you get to find out who your friends really are."

Flashback - Susan's House

Susan is sitting on her couch crying. Bree is standing next to her with a plate of cookies.

"When her grandmother died, it was Bree who brought homemade cookies."

Flashback - Susan's House

A depressed-looking Susan is reading the newspaper. Gabrielle is standing close by and a handsome, muscular man in a tank top is massaging Susan’s shoulders.

"When the critics panned her third book, it was Gabrielle who hired the handsome masseur."

Flashback - Susan's House

Susan is reading her divorce degree. Lynette is pouring her a drink.

"When her divorce became final it was Lynette who poured the scotch."

Lynette takes the glass and hands Susan the bottle.

Present - Susan's Burnt House

Susan continues looking at the photo of her and the girls.

"Sadly, Susan’s life had been shattered once again. But as always, her friends had come to help pick up the pieces."

Bree, Lynette, and Gabrielle are working around the damaged yard salvaging anything left.

Gabrielle: "Susan. We’ve all been talking. We’ve decided that you and Julie should stay with Bree."
Susan: "Oh thanks, but that’s okay. We’ll stay in a motel."
Bree: "Absolutely not. Just give me and hour or two to straighten up Andrew’s room and then you can bring yourselves over."
Susan: "I don’t deserve friends like you."
Lynette: "We’re aware of that."

Orson comes out of the burnt house with a full trash bags.

Orson: "Susan, you’re running low on trash bags. I’m gonna run to the store."
Susan: "Thanks. Orson, thanks for coming. You know you didn’t have to do this."
Orson: "Hey, it’s my pleasure."

Mike and Tom are working nearby. Mike overhears Orson and looks at him. Bud Penrod from Town and Country Insurance approaches Susan, handing her a card.

Bud: "Mrs. Mayer! Bud Penrod, Town and Country Insurance. The ‘Can Do’ people."
Susan: "Oh, it’s nice to meet you."
Bud: "Yeah. Look at that. Well, that’s no fun at all, is it?"
Susan: "No, no, it isn’t. So, when am I gonna get the check 'cause I have a lot of rebuilding to do. I need to get started."
Bud: "Yeah, well I’m afraid that’s going to be a while. You see, the fire department has ruled that this was arson."
Susan: "Arson?"
Bud: "Yeah, so we can’t give you any money until we finish our investigation."
Susan: "Who would wanna burn down my house?"
Bud: "I don’t know. Do you have any enemies?"
Susan: "No! No look, the whole neighborhood turned out to help. I’m very popular."
Bud: "And there’s no one among them that wishes you ill?"
Susan: "Oh no! No, everybody’s been very helpful. Everybody likes me. Absolutely...."

Susan looks down Wisteria Lane. Edie is standing across the street eating a popsicle with a smug look on her face, staring at Susan. Susan freezes.

Susan: "...everyone."

"Yes, hard times were what Susan used to distinguish who was a friend and who wasn’t."

Opening Credits

Wisteria Lane - Daytime

"Not everyone enjoys being a small part of a large community."

Wisteria Lane Park

A bees nest is in the tree.

"Indeed, some yearn to leave the stress and noise of constant companionship behind them."

One lone bee flies from the nest toward Wisteria Lane.

"So they strike out on their own, hoping their solitude will bring a little peace and quiet."

The bee flies toward Felicia, who is raking her yard.

"It’s only then they discover how dangerous it is..."

Felicia knocks the bee to the ground and crushes it with her foot.

"..to be alone in the world."

Felicia looks next door and sees Zach taking out the trash. She pulls off her gloves and hurries over to Paul's house, going in through the back door.

In the kitchen, she begins searching the kitchen cupboards and drawers. In one of the cupboards, she finds various keys hanging on a hook, all neatly labeled, and she takes the key marked "house."

Paul: "Zach! Did you get the trash?"

Upon hearing Paul’s voice, Felicia grabs a bag of flour out of the cupboard just as Paul walks into the kitchen.

Paul: "How’d you get in here?"
Felicia: "Hiya. Paul. I stood at the back door shouting and shouting. Were you in the little boys room?"
Paul: "I’m calling the police."
Felicia: "No need, I just needed to borrow some flour. I’m a little bit psychic and I predict fresh baked cookies in your future."

Zach walks in just as Felicia walks out.

Felicia: "Zachary."
Zach: "What’d she want?"
Paul: "She was in the cupboard. Get a trash bag. We’re throwing everything away."
Zach: "You think she was trying to poison us?"
Paul: "All I know is, we’re eating out tonight."

Edie's House

Edie is changing a light bulb on the front porch when Susan approaches.

Edie: "What do you want?"
Susan: "Uh, this is a little awkward and I apologize in advance for how this is gonna sound, but um...by any chance, did you burn down my house?"
Edie: "Yes."
Susan: "What?"
Edie: "Yes, I burnt down your house, you sleazy little whore."
Susan: Edie! Why would you do that?"
Edie: "Can you blame me after sending me that acid letter?"
Susan: "Letter? What letter?"
Edie: "The one where you admitted to stabbing me in the back by sleeping with Karl."
Susan: "You weren’t supposed to get that! I stole that back from the mailman."
Edie: "So, you were trying to hide the truth from me?"
Susan: "This is not what we should focus on right now. The point is you maliciously set fire to my house!"
Edie: "Look, I admit I might have overreacted a tad."
Susan: "A tad? Edie, I have no roof! You can’t just go around burning down people’s homes!"
Edie: "Why not? You burnt down my home! You stole Mike from me! You slept with my fiancé! That’s the trifecta! You’re lucky I didn’t torch your car!"
Susan: "That’s it! I’m going to the police and I’m telling them what you did!"
Edie: "Did what? I didn’t do anything."
Susan: "Wha-? You just confessed!"
Edie: "No, I didn’t. Did anyone else hear me confess? Hello? Hello? No witnesses. No evidence. No confession. I guess we’re done here. You can go home now. Oh wait, that’s right, you don’t have one."

Gabrielle's House

Xiao-Mei is serving lunch to Carlos and Gabrielle.

Gabrielle: "No, no, Xiao-Mei, I’ve told you a million times. No red meat for Mr. Solis!"
Carlos: "My triglycerides are through the roof."
Gabrielle: "Sweetie, I need some more cream."

Xiao-Mei gets the cream and leans over to put some in Gabrielle’s coffee. She looks nauseous.

Carlos: "Xiao-Mei, what’s wrong?"
Xiao-Mei: "She smell."
Carlos: "Who smells? Gaby?"
Gabrielle: "Excuse me, what?"
Xiao-Mei: "Her perfume make me sick."
Gabrielle: "Honey, it’s a hundred bucks an ounce. That tends to make everyone a little nauseous."
Carlos: "Xiao-Mei, your boobs, are they tender?"
Xiao-Mei: "Mm hmm."
Gabrielle: "Carlos! Her boobs are none of your business!"
Carlos: "Gaby, think. She’s sensitive to smell, nauseous, and has swollen breasts!"

Gabrielle grabs Carlos’ hand and smiles.

Doctor's Office

Gabrielle is still holding Carlos hand. Xiao-Mei is lying on an examination table. The doctor enters.

Doctor: "Well, I just ran her blood work. Looks like the insemination was successful."
Gabrielle: "Oh!"
Carlos: "Oh my gosh!"

Carlos grabs Gabrielle and lifts her up.

Carlos: "We’re gonna have a baby!"
Gabrielle: "Oh."
Doctor: "You should know that since she’s experiencing early symptoms, this might be a tough pregnancy for her."
Carlos: "Not a problem. We are gonna treat her like a queen!"
Gabrielle: "Absolutely. You have nothing to worry about here."

Gabrielle runs over and hugs Carlos and Xiao-Mei.

Gabrielle: "Oh!"
Xiao-Mei: "Oh, Mrs. Solis, you smell."
Gabrielle: "Oh, yeah, okay, sorry."

Carlos keeps hugging Xiao-Mei as Gabrielle looks on.

Bree's House

Bree is cleaning out Andrew's room.

Bree: "I think it’s going to be a kick having Susan and Julie stay with us. It'll be like living in a sorority. We’ll stay up late and we’ll gossip and make s'mores. Doesn’t that sound like fun?"
Danielle: "Why are you pretending to be happy? I heard you walking around your room all night long. Crying."
Bree: "I don’t want to talk about it."
Danielle: "Look, I know why you’re worried, but Andrew can take care of himself. And if he can’t, he shouldn’t have run away in the first place."
Bree: "You know what? Maybe Andrew leaving will be good for us. You are all I have left and I am going to be the best mother that I can be."
Danielle: "There’s definitely room for improvement. It’s just you kind of forgot my birthday."
Bree: "What?"
Danielle: "Yeah, it was six weeks ago."
Bree: "Oh my god, Danielle. I am so sorry!"
Danielle: "It’s okay, you had a lot going on. I mean, Andrew was suing you and you were pretty wasted that month."
Bree: "Honey, you gotta let me make it up to you. I, I am going to throw you a birthday party with all your friends, okay?"
Danielle: "That could be cool. You know what else I'd like?"
Bree: "Name it, it’s yours."
Danielle: "I want Andrew’s room. You said he's probably not coming back and I could really use the extra closet space."
Bree: "But, sweetheart, this is, this is his room."
Danielle: "Mom, you forgot my birthday. You’re really in no position to negotiate."
Bree: "Honey, where am I going to put all of his things? And you know, he might come back at some point."
Danielle: "He won’t. Like you said, I’m all you have left."

Lynette's House

Tom is packing in the bedroom.

Lynette: "Atlantic City?"
Tom: "Yeah, it’s last minute, but Jerry got a great deal on a suite at one of the casinos and a bunch of the old gang is coming in from New York and, god, it’s been forever since I have been so, how could I turn that down?"
Lynette: "Yeah, how indeed."
Tom: "What?"
Lynette: "I didn’t say anything."
Tom: "No, but you have that look. Something wrong?"
Lynette: "No! Except that I know you’ve been to Atlantic City three times in the last month without telling me. Ed found the receipts when he did the office audit. Other than that, no, nothing wrong."

Tom laughs.

Lynette: "Tom, it would be better for your general well-being if you did not laugh at this moment in time."
Tom: "Am I going to have to ruin the surprise? Because it’s a really good surprise."
Lynette: "I’m thinking yeah, ruin it."
Tom: "I have been going to Atlantic City for business. I am up for a top spot with Jerry’s firm, Huffington Promotions. And if you don’t believe me, you can call the CEO himself."

He goes to his bag and hands Lynette a business card.

Lynette: "I am so happy. And I’m so relieved."

She puts the card on the bedframe before hugging Tom.

Tom: "Did you think I was cheating?"
Lynette: "No! Absolutely not!"
Tom: "Lynette?"
Lynette: "No! Okay a little bit. I’m sorry, I’m sorry. Ed found receipts for flowers and theatre tickets. I mean, by the way, did you..."
Tom: "Jerry and I went to a show and the flowers were for Milt's wife."
Lynette: "I knew that. You didn’t have to tell me that. Why did you buy flowers for Milt’s wife?"
Tom: "Lynette?"
Lynette: "Sorry, stop, done talking. That’s fantastic! I love you!"
Tom: "I love you."

Lynette starts to leave the room and turns back to say something. She freezes as Tom carefully picks up the business card off the bed frame and tucks it back into his suitcase.

Gabrielle's House - Morning

Gabrielle comes downstairs. Carlos is vacuuming and Xiao-Mei is sitting on the couch.

Gabrielle: "Carlos! What’s going on?"
Carlos: "Xiao-Mei is feeling under the weather, so I took up the vacuuming."
Gabrielle: "Oh, I’m sorry to hear that. So, uh, did you move my beauty products? They’re not in the bathroom."

Xiao-Mei points to the table behind Gabrielle. There is a plastic box filled with goods.

Gabrielle: "Why in the hell?"
Carlos: "I forgot to tell you. Ah, you can’t use that stuff anymore. It really triggers Xiao-Mei’s morning sickness."
Gabrielle: "All of it? Even my hair palmade?"
Xiao-Mei: "It gives me stomach ache."
Gabrielle: "Yeah, well it gives me volume, so I guess we’re both gonna have a problem."
Carlos: "Do you have to be so high-maintenance?"
Gabrielle: "You married a model, Carlos. Maintenance is my only skill!"
Xiao-Mei: "Please, no fight. If Mrs. Solis smell bad, I be okay."
Gabrielle: "Fine, I’ll learn to live without product. But when my hair starts smelling like hair, I don’t want to hear a word."

Bree's House

Danielle comes downstairs to find Bree working in the living room on two large balloon displays configuring the number seventeen.

Bree: "Surprise!"
Danielle: "What the hell is that?"
Bree: "Isn’t it darling? I made it for your party. It’s a big one and a big seven, for seventeen!"
Danielle: "Were you up all night making that thing?"
Bree: "Yeah, I just wasn’t tired. Oh, I want to show you what else I planned. I think you’re gonna love it."

She hands Danielle some fliers.

Danielle: "You got a Fajita Bar and a juggler?"
Bree: "Now relax, he’s a very hip juggler. He only performs to Beatles songs and I saw the video and it’s absolutely thrilling."
Danielle: "Mom, I don’t want any of this stuff. It’s not even my real birthday."
Bree: "Danielle, I just want you to have the best party you have ever had in your entire life!"
Danielle: "I just want a few friends to come over and hang out. You can make a cake but giant balloon numbers? I mean, come on, they would all make fun of me."
Bree: "Oh. Okay."

Bree picks up a pair of scissors. She begins stabbing all the balloons, popping them.

Danielle: "Is that really necessary?"
Bree: "Honey, I can’t possibly put it in the garbage as is!"

Danielle walks upstairs as Susan comes downstairs.

Danielle: "It’s just another morning at the Van de Kamps."

Susan sees Bree stabbing the balloons.

Bree: "Oh Susan, did I wake you?"
Susan: "Uh, no, no, I was up."
Bree: "I’m sorry about the noise, it’s just that Danielle doesn’t want the balloons and I’m a little pressed for time."
Susan: "Bree, are you okay?"
Bree: "She said she doesn’t want balloons. I’m fine."

Bree continues stabbing at the balloons as Susan backs away.

Betty's House

Matthew is banging on the locked door of the basement. Betty is sitting on a chair outside the door.

Matthew: "Mom. Look, I know you’re out there. Please, just talk to me. Mom, I need something to drink. Just some water, some juice, something, anything, please." (he bangs on the door) "Mom! You want me to say I set Caleb up. Yeah, I did it. I started thinking about all those years, years that we had to take care of him and I just thought maybe once he was gone, we could have a normal life. And I’m sorry. But Mom, you have got to let me out of here, now!"

Betty gets up. With a crowbar, she bangs on the door.

Betty: "You! You were willing to stand by and let me murder your brother without reason. It’s an unforgivable betrayal! I am so consumed with rage, it’s best you stay in there because if I let you out, I don’t know what I might do to you!"

She throws the crowbar to the ground.

Mike's House

Mike answers his phone.

Mike: "Hello?"

Susan, on the other end, is looking at a package.

Susan: "I need Edie to spill her guts. What do you know about wearing a wire?"

Later, Mike has the recorder and is explaining it to Susan

Mike: "Do you see the little red light?"
Susan: "Mm."
Mike: "It’s all voice activated, so if the lights on, you’re recording. Uh, let me show you how to tape it on."
Susan: "Oh, okay."

Mike lifts Susan’s shirt.

Mike: "Sorry if my hands are cold."
Susan: "Uh, no, that’s okay, they’re fine."

Mike kneels behind Susan with some tape.

Mike: "So, are you sure you wanna do this?"
Susan: "Yeah, I’m sorta up against the wall and the insurance company needs proof fast. Things are sort of weird at Bree’s. I don’t wanna overstay my welcome."
Mike: "Well, if things get tough, you can always stay here." (into the microphone) "Testing, testing."
Susan: "I’m sorry, did you just invite me to move in with you?"
Mike: "Well, you and Julie, in the spare bedroom."
Susan: "Oh."
Mike: "You, you've been saying how you wanna be friends again and you’re right. There’s no reason we can’t be friends."
Susan: "You sure that won’t put a crimp in your, uh, dating life? You know that girl you were at the movies with."
Mike: "No, that was a one time thing. What about that guy, though, Orson?"
Susan: "Yeah, he just heard about the fire and came over to help. We’re friends."
Mike: "Oh. So, neither of us is dating anybody."
Susan: "Guess not."

They smile at each other.

Fairview Airport

Lynette, Mrs. McCluskey, and the kids are at the airport.

Lynette: "I got my boarding pass."
Mrs. McCluskey: "Do what you need to do and don’t worry about them kids. I’ll keep 'em out of trouble."
Lynette: "Is this crazy? Following Tom across the country just to spy on him. If he knew I was doing this...God, I don’t think I can go through with this."
Mrs. McCluskey: "Now look. There’s probably nothing going on, but you need to know the truth."
Lynette: "Do I? I mean I’m happy, I mean I was. Why don’t I just look the other way and pretend nothing's wrong? Lots of people can do that."
Mrs. McCluskey: "Well, we both know you're not one of them."
Lynette: "And what if I see him with another woman? What then?"
Mrs. McCluskey: "I own a gun."

Bree's House

All of Danielle’s friends are there for her birthday. Music plays in the living room as everyone talks. Julie gets up and walks into the kitchen. Bree is icing a birthday cake.

Julie: "You okay in there?"
Bree: "Fine, why?"
Julie: "It’s just people have been asking about the cake and you’ve been icing it for over an hour."
Bree: "Well, I just keep messing it up. I don’t know what’s wrong with me."
Julie: "You’re probably just tired. My mom and I heard you up all night."
Bree: "Oh, it just keeps coming out too thick."

Bree begins scraping icing off the cake with a knife.

Julie: "You know people aren’t going to care if the icing isn’t perfect."
Bree: "People care about details."

Bree begins scraping icing off with her hand.

Bree: "Someday when Danielle looks back I want her to remember just how perfect her cake looked and how hard her mother worked to make her happy. This cake is a symbol of my love!"
Julie: "Well, it looks delicious."

As Julie walks out, Bree scrapes more icing off with her hand.

Later, guests are singing "Happy Birthday" in the living room as Bree carries in the cake lit with candles.

Guests: "Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday, dear Danielle..."

Bree sets the cake down.

Bree: "Stop! One of the candles went out! Um, we’re going to have to do this all over again! I’m sorry, I’ll be right back!"

Bree runs toward the kitchen.

Danielle: "Um, mom, it’s all right!"
Bree: "Sweetheart, this is your special day. All of your candles should be lit. It will just take me two seconds."

All the guests watch as Bree runs into the kitchen.

Julie: "Is she serious?"
Danielle: "Welcome to my own private hell."

One of the guests, Barbie, goes up to the cake and scoops some of the icing off and licks it.

Barbie: "That is some serious frosting."
Bree: "All righty!"

She walks to the cake with the lighter. She sees the missing scoop of frosting. She glares at each of the guests, who all look frightened. As she pans the room her look stops at a heavyset young lady.

Bree: "Who touched this?"
Danielle: "Mom, what does it matter? It’s just a little frosting."
Bree: "Someone ruined your cake and I want to know who could be that thoughtless."

Bree: "Was it you? Or you? Who was it?"
Danielle: "Mom! Please, you’re embarrassing me!"
Bree: "You!"

She points at the heavyset girl.

Bree: "You look like a girl who enjoys her frosting!"
Heavyset Girl: "No, no I didn’t touch it!"
Danielle: "It’s just a cake, for god’s sakes! Will you please just cut it!"
Barbie: "Mrs. Van de Kamp..."
Bree: "Open your mouth, I want to smell your breath!"
Heavyset Girl: "It wasn’t me! It was Barbie!"
Bree: "Barbie!"

Barbie backs up, knocking the cake to the ground.

Bree: "What the hell is wrong with you! Now it’s ruined. Everything is ruined!"

Bree looks around the room. She sees all of the frightened faces and Danielle is on the verge of tears. Danielle runs from the room, crying.

Bree: "Um, you can just leave that there and I'll, um, clean it up later."

She walks out of the room.

Gabrielle's House

Gabrielle walks into her bedroom to find Xiao-Mei in her bed.

Gabrielle: "Xiao-Mei, what are you doing in our bed?"

Carlos comes out of the bathroom brushing his teeth.

Carlos: "I said she could sleep in there from now on. It’s got the bathroom. You know in case she gets sick in the middle of the night."
Gabrielle: "Well, what’s wrong with the guest bathroom?"
Carlos: "It’s too far away."
Gabrielle: "It’s right down the hall!"
Carlos: "Gaby, she needs her rest. And besides, that bed is much more comfortable than the one in the guest room."
Gabrielle: "Yeah, I know, that’s why I had the movers put it in here, where we sleep!"

Xiao-Mei gets out of the bed.

Xiao-Mei: "Maybe I go to my bed."
Gabrielle: "Yes, Xiao-Mei, that would be good."

Xiao-Mei starts walking out, then stops and grabs her stomach and covers her mouth with her hand.

Xiao-Mei: "Oh, oh!"

Holding her hand over her mouth, she hurries toward their bathroom.

Gabrielle: "Fine, you can use our toilet."

Later, Gabrielle and Carlos are sleeping in a twin bed in the guest room. Gabrielle is squirming around.

Gabrielle: "Ow, Carlos stop kicking me!"
Carlos: "I’m just trying to get comfortable."
Gabrielle: "In a twin? Good luck! I want my bed back!"
Carlos: "We’ll go buy a nice big one tomorrow and put it in here, okay?"
Gabrielle: "That is not the point. We are a week into this pregnancy and you are already putting Xiao-Mei’s needs before mine."
Carlos: "Well, she’s the priority now. She’s the mother of my child."
Gabrielle: "Like hell she is! That is my egg!"
Carlos: "You know what I mean. She’s the..."
Gabrielle: "Oven, Carlos, the oven! A well-cared for, well-paid oven!"
Carlos: "It came out wrong, I'm sorry, okay? Now, can we just get some sleep?"

Gabrielle tosses and turns in the bed. Carlos turns and knocks Gabrielle out of bed.

Gabrielle: "Oww!"
Carlos: "Babe, I’m sorry, I swear, I swear I didn’t mean to. My leg just cramped up."

Gabrielle grabs a pillow and walks out, slamming the door behind her.

Carlos: "Where are you going? That’s my pillow. Good night!"

Outside Betty's House - Nighttime

Danielle is calling from the yard.

Danielle: "Matthew!"

She goes around the side of the house and opens the trap door that leads to the basement. Matthew, inside the locked room in the basement, hears footsteps.

Matthew: "Mom, come on."
Danielle: "Oh my god, what are you doing in there?"
Matthew: "Danielle, is that you? My mom found out what we did to Caleb. She flipped out and locked me in here."
Danielle: "Don’t worry, I’ll get you out."
Matthew: "Be really careful okay, please, okay. I’ve never seen her like this before. She seriously lost it this time."
Danielle: "I know a little something about psycho moms. Trust me, I’ll be fine."

Bree's House - Nighttime

Bree is on the floor, cleaning up the cake. Susan comes home and sees her.

Susan: "Hey. Cleaning up after the big party?"
Bree: "Yeah."
Susan: "You know, it’s late. Why don’t you, uh, go to bed and, you know, let Julie and I help you in the morning?"
Bree: "No, it’s okay. I can’t sleep anyway."
Susan: "Are you okay?"
Bree: "I take it you heard what happened."
Susan: "Yeah, when you flip out in front of the pep squad, word travels fast."
Bree: "It was the oddest sensation. I was fine and everything was fine and then suddenly I was on the outside of my body watching a woman who looked like me becoming a raving maniac."
Susan: "Bree, I’m worried about you. Do you, do you think that you should see someone?"
Bree: "Oh, no, I’m fine. I’m tired, that’s all. I just need a long rest and then I’m gonna be a good as new."
Susan: "Okay, then why don’t you stop and go to bed."
Bree: "Because, um, I can’t sleep just yet."
Susan: "Why not?"
Bree: "Because when I sleep, I dream. And when I dream I keep seeing Andrew’s face in that rearview mirror."
Susan: "Okay, what are you talking about?"
Bree: "Andrew, um, didn’t run away. I, um, dropped him off in the middle of nowhere, told him that I couldn’t be around him anymore and then, I drove off. So, I just need a little time to forget what I’ve done and then I can sleep again."
Susan: "Hey. You know, I am not even tired. So, why don’t I stay up and help you?"
Bree: "That would be nice."

Susan puts on gloves and they scrub together.

Atlantic City - Valleta Hotel

Lynette is sitting in her rental car outside the hotel. She sees Tom come out of the entrance and hand the valet a parking ticket. Tom puts his cell phone to his ear. Lynette's cell phone rings. She answers.

Lynette: "Hello."
Tom: "Hey, you. How are you doing?"
Lynette: "Hey. Great, great! How’s Atlantic City? Are you, uh, winning some money?"
Tom: "Oh, I’m about even. Actually I’m headed back into the casino right now to try my luck again."
Lynette: "Yeah? You're quite a gambler. Where’s Jerry?"
Tom: "Jerry? He’s right here. Hey, honey, how are the kids?"
Lynette: "Great, great. They’re in the day care room. I’m looking at 'em right now."
Tom: "Hey, why don’t you walk in there and, um, put them on the phone with me so I can say hi."
Lynette: "Okay, sure. First, can I talk to Jerry?"
Tom: "Why do you want to talk to Jerry?"
Lynette: "Oh, just, you know, say hello. It’s been a long time."

All of a sudden, the car alarm on the car parked behind Lynette goes off. Lynette jumps. Tom looks around, and Lynette scoots down even lower into the car.

Tom: "Wow, man, that is weird. Can you hear, do you hear that car alarm?"
Lynette: "Uh, no."
Tom: "That is strange, because I can hear it here and through the phone."
Lynette: "Whoa, that’s weird, kinda feedback." (the alarm stops) "You know, physics can be spooky that way. Listen I gotta go, I gotta go. Ed is talking to me and, um, I’ll call you back later?"
Tom: "Um, okay."
Lynette: "'Kay, bye."
Tom: "Bye, honey."

The valet pulls up with Tom’s car. Tom drives off and Lynette follows him.

Felicia's House

Felicia is on the phone in her kitchen.

Operator: "Nine-one-one. Is this an emergency?"
Felicia: "I think so. My neighbor, Paul Young, has been threatening me."

Felicia is pumping her blood from her arm into a bag while she talks.

Operator: "Is he there right now?"
Felicia: "No."
Operator: "Ma’am, until he actually does something, there’s nothing we can do."
Felicia: "Well, I won’t live in fear anymore. If you people refuse to confront him, I guess I’ll just have to do it myself."

Felicia hangs up the phone and continues pumping her blood. When she's done, she opens her refrigerator where there are several bags of her blood stored.

Outside Edie's House

Susan turns on the recorder under her shirt and knocks on Edie’s door. Edie answers the door eating a bag of popcorn. She tries to slam the door. Susan holds the door.

Susan: "No, Edie, wait! Um, I don’t want to fight. I know that we’ve had our differences, but you know we had a friendship going there and I just think we owe it to ourselves to talk about what happened."
Edie: "What’s there to talk about? It happened." (she chews the popcorn as she talks) "I walked down to your house. I had this watering can."
Susan: "What?"
Edie (muffled): "I filled it with gasoline and boom! Laughed my ass off."
Susan: "Okay, wait, could you just swallow. 'Cause I couldn’t really hear what you were saying."
Edie: "Well, that was basically it. One of the best days of my life."
Susan: "Well see you were chewing and so I didn’t really hear what you said. Could you just say it again?"
Edie: "I burnt your house down and it was great. What do you want?"
Susan: "So, uh, you then admit burning down my house. On purpose."

Susan moves closer to Edie. Edie looks at Susan suspiciously.

Edie: "You’re wearing a wire, aren’t you?"
Susan: "Huh?"
Edie: "Open that blouse!"
Susan: "What? No!"
Edie: "Open that blouse!"

Edie rips open Susan’s blouse and sees the microphone. Susan runs.

Edie: "Ahhhhh! You can’t outrun me, Mayer. I’m in the best shape of my life!"
Susan: "Oh good. Then you’ll be prime meat picking when you go to jail!!"
Edie: "You bitch!"
Susan: "Bite me!"

Wisteria Lane Park

Mrs. McCluskey emptying her trash hears/sees them. Susan trips in the park, dropping the tape recorder. Edie grabs it and they fight as Mrs. McCluskey watches.

Susan: "No, give it! No!"

Edie tries to run as Susan grabs her leg. Edie falls. Her head hit the tree with the bee nest. The bees begin to stir.

Edie: "What the hell?"

Susan sees the bees and backs away as Edie, covered in bees, continues to bat the bees away.

Atlantic City - Nighttime

Lynette has followed Tom to a house in the suburbs. She parks out front as Tom goes inside. Lynette gets out of the car and sneaks up to the window. She sees a pretty young woman hand Tom a glass of wine. She walks right up to the front door and watches through the window as Tom follows the young woman upstairs. Later, she sits in the rental car, covers her face with her hands and slowly shakes her head.

Gabrielle's House - Morning

Gabrielle wakes up on the couch.

"Nine months of long nights on the couch loomed before Gabrielle."

Later, Gabrielle is in the garage with her beauty products and a large sprayer. She starts pouring the products into the sprayer.

"And she had decided she would not take it lying down. So, she dipped into her supply of forbidden perfumes..."

Later, Gabrielle closes the window in her bedroom.

"...determined that that in this battle..."

Gabrielle pumps the sprayer. She sprays all around the bedroom.

"...she would be the one to come out smelling like a rose."

Gabrielle walks out of the bedroom with the sprayer and Xiao-Mei walks toward the bedroom.

Xiao-Mei: "I think I take nap now."
Gabrielle: "Yeah, sure. Knock yourself out."

Gabrielle watches as Xiao-Mei goes into the bedroom and closes the door. Xiao-Mei screams, then comes running out, holding her hand over her mouth. She runs into the guest bathroom past a smiling Gabrielle.

Lynette's House - Daytime

Tom comes in. No lights are on. The house is quiet.

Tom: "Honey? Boys? Anybody home?"

Outside Mrs. McCluskey's House - Daytime

Mrs. McCluskey is trimming the hedge with hedge clippers as Tom walks up.

Tom: "Hey. Mrs. McCluskey, excuse me. You haven’t seen Lynette around, have you? She’s not a home, she’s not answering her cell phone."
Mrs. McCluskey: "She packed up the kids and the puppy and left."
Tom: "Packed them up? Why?"
Mrs. McCluskey: "She followed you to Atlantic City. She knows about your other woman. Boy, you’re just lucky you’re not my husband."

She snaps the clippers in front of Tom.

Fairview Hospital

Susan enters a room where a very, very swollen Edie is lying in bed.

Susan: "Hi."

Edie moans.

Susan: "Okay, first let me say I’m really sorry about the yellow jackets. And also, no matter how mad I am about what I did, I don’t want to see you go to prison. So, I came up with the solution. Why don’t you just come forward and tell the police that you saw some vagrant lurking by my garage with a can of gasoline. And if you do that then I’ll destroy the tape. And then the insurance company will pay the claim. Nobody gets hurt. Does that sound good?"
Edie: "Come closer."
Susan: "Oh, ah."
Edie: "Take your stinking deal and shove it!"
Susan: "Edie!"
Edie: "Every time something bad happens to me you’re standing nearby. Well, I’ve had it! No more pretending to be friends. When I get out of here, I’m gonna destroy you!"
Susan: "Okay, I’m just gonna think that this is the meds talking and I’ll come back tomorrow."
Edie: "Don’t bother!"
Susan: "Okay, Edie. I’m in trouble here."
Edie: "Oh, I’m sure you’ll turn on the waterworks and the whole neighborhood’ll come running. They always do."
Susan: "That’s not true!"
Edie: "Sure it is! You never miss an opportunity to play the victim! And you think just because everybody always comes to your rescue, it means that you’re loved. Well, it doesn’t. It means that you’re helpless. Now get out. Just get out."

Outside Mike's House

Mike comes outside as Susan pulls into Bree’s driveway.

Mike: "Hey, there."
Susan: "Hi."
Mike: "So you, uh, given any thought to staying at my place?"
Susan: "Oh yeah, that. Um, look, I really appreciate the offer, but I think I’m gonna have to pass."
Mike: "Really."
Susan: "Yeah, I think it’s best. I don’t want to get a rep around here for being a charity case."
Mike: "Well, I didn’t mean it that way. Just, uh, one friend helping out another."
Susan: "I know, but I can figure this out on my own. At least I’m gonna try. You know, I’m stronger than people give me credit for. I really am."
Mike: "Well, if there’s anything I can do."
Susan: "You know what would be nice? Why don’t you just stop over for coffee some time."
Mike: "Okay."
Susan: "I mean that is, after I get running water and electricity again. And a coffee maker."

They smile at each other.

Gabrielle's House - Nighttime

Carlos, in his pajamas, opens the bedroom window.

Carlos: "I hope you’re happy. That poor girl can hardly even come upstairs now because of you."

Carlos waves the air out of the room with a pillow.

Gabrielle: "Carlos, stop with the dance. It’s already in the wallpaper."
Carlos: "I swear, if anything happens to that kid because of you..."
Gabrielle: "Oh, it’s perfume, not toxic gas."
Carlos: "Why are you acting this way?"
Gabrielle: "Because I see the writing on the wall and it scares the hell out of me."
Carlos: "Meaning what?"
Gabrielle: "From the second Xiao-Mei got pregnant, you have found a million and one ways to tell me that that baby is more important to you than me."
Carlos: "Oh, come on, Gaby."
Gabrielle: "No. Men can’t help it. When they become fathers, they become lousy husbands. And some wives don’t mind, but you didn’t marry one of those women."
Carlos: "I don’t think I can sleep in here tonight. The air is just a little too toxic."

Later, Carlos is scrunched up on the couch watching TV. Xiao-Mei enters with a plate of food.

Xiao-Mei: "She kick you out too?"
Carlos: "Marriage is complicated, Xiao-Mei. You’ll find that out some day. Feel like watching some trashy American TV?"

Carlos sits up and pats the couch next to him. Xiao-Mei sits.

Xiao-Mei: "I made you sandwich. Roast beef."
Carlos: "Oh, Gaby's got me on this health kick thing. She’ll kill me if I eat red meat."
Xiao-Mei: "I will not tell."

Carlos bites into the sandwich.

Xiao-Mei: "Taste good?"
Carlos: "Real good."

Betty's House

Betty comes downstairs to the basement carrying a tray.

Betty: "Matthew, wake up, I have your breakfast. I might be furious with you, but never let it be said that I’m cruel."

Betty takes the key off the tray and unlocks the large lock on the door.

Betty: "I advise you not to charge this door because I am not in the mood for any unpleasantness. Matthew? Matthew?"

She hears something behind her. Danielle runs out with a crowbar and hits Betty on the head. Betty falls to the ground.

Danielle opens the door. Matthew sees his mother lying on the floor.

Matthew: "Geez, Danielle, I thought you were just gonna steal the key."
Danielle: "Let’s just get out of here."

Matthew grabs the gun off the tray and runs out. Betty, lying on the floor, opens her eyes.

Bree's House

Bree walks into Danielle's room carrying a laundry basket. She finds a note on the bed and reads it.

Danielle’s Voice: "Mother, Matthew and I are running away together and we're never coming back. If you want me to be happy, you won’t try to find us."

Later, in her own bedroom, Bree is packing a suitcase.

Danielle’s Voice: "Living in that house with you was like being in a prison. You drove me to do this, so I hope you blame yourself."

Fairview Medows Psychiatric Hospital

Bree is rolling her suitcase into the building.

Danielle’s Voice: "Have a nice life. Danielle."

Bree walks up to the reception desk.

Bree: "Hello. My name is Bree Van de Kamp and I’d like to admit myself for psychiatric observation."
Receptionist: "All right, what seems to be the problem?"
Bree: "I think I’m about to have a nervous breakdown."

Paul's House - Nighttime

Paul walks into the kitchen and slips, falling to the floor.

Paul: "Damn it!"

He turns on the light. Blood is all over his hands.

Paul: "What the hell?"

He looks down and sees a trail of blood leading to the garage. He follows the trail and goes into the garage.

Paul: "That psychotic bitch!"

He enters the garage and turns on the light, noticing a trail of blood leading to the back of his car. A police siren blares and a police car pulls up in front of the garage.

Later, the officers question Paul.

Paul: "There was no confrontation. Felicia Tilman’s the one who made the call. She’s the anonymous tip. Let’s just go over there right now. I guarantee you the woman is having a cocktail, laughing her ass off!"
Sergeant: "You’re not going anywhere yet, Sir."

The other officer searches the garage. He finds a bloody saw wrapped up in a bloody towel.

Paul: "Yes, I know there’s blood everywhere. She probably got it from a pig, so she could vandalize everything I own!"

The officer looks in the back of the SUV.

Officer: "Sarge."

The Sergeant looks in the back of the SUV.

Paul: "What is it?"
Sergeant: "Put your hands where I can see 'em."

Paul, with hands raised, looks in the back of the SUV. Lying in the trunk is lots of blood and two bloody fingers.

Paul: "Man, she’s good."

Wisteria Lane - Nighttime

The officers are arresting Paul, putting him in the car.

"It’s a shocking moment for each of us. That moment we realize we are all alone in this world."

Lynette's House - Nighttime

Tom is sitting alone in the dark.

"The family we take for granted could one day abandon us."

Gabrielle's House

Gabrielle is reading a magazine in the living room while Carlos and Xiao-Mei play a chess game behind her.

"The husband we trust so implicitly might betray us."

Fairview Meadows Psychiatric Hospital

Bree is lying on a bed in a fetal position.

"The daughter we love so deeply perhaps won’t return to us."

Fairview Hospital

Edie is lying in bed.

"And then we could end up all by ourselves."

Wisteria Lane - Nighttime

Susan is standing in front of her burnt house. She smiles determinedly.

"Of course, some see great value in going it alone. For example..."

Mountain Cabin

A landlord enters the cabin with Felicia.

Landlord: "Sorry about the dust, Mrs. Huber. We don’t get too many tourists this far up the mountain. First snows come and this place is completely cut off."
Felicia: "Dropping off the face of the earth. Now that’s what I call a vacation."

The landlord laughs and hands the keys to Felicia. The keys fall to the floor.

Felicia: "Oh, I’m sorry."
Landlord: "Oh."

The landlord picks them up and holds them toward Felicia. Felicia puts out her bandaged hand with two fingers missing.

Felicia: "Sometimes, I’m just all thumbs."

~ The End ~

This transcript was compiled and completed on May 21, 2006 by Amanda (desperate_housewives at yahoo dot com) and Lucy.
Last Update (corrected grammar error): January 28, 2007

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