Mary Alice: "The most successful private investigator in Fairview was a man named Oliver Weston. Try though he might, Oliver couldn’t remember the exact moment he stopped believing in love. Was it the night he caught an executive cheating with his secretary? Or was it the day he saw a housewife cheating with her delivery boy? Or was it the time he caught the girl next door cheating with the couple across the street? Whenever the moment, Oliver Weston was now officially a cynic who only believed in betrayal and suspicion. Luckily for Oliver, that’s what paid his bills."

---

Bree: "Honey, you’ve got to eat something."
Gabrielle: "I don’t have an appetite. If fact, this is all going to go to waste. You guys should take something."
Lynette: "No, no, you should keep it."
Edie: "I’ll take a couple. What? Karl dumped me, so I’m alone. Food fills the void."

---

Xiao-Mei: "I can’t go home. My uncle will sell me again."
Gabrielle: "Oh no, no Xiao-Mei, you’re not going anywhere. You’re much too important to Carlos and me. We’re gonna fight this and we’re gonna win!"
Bree: "Gaby, you can’t promise her that!"
Gabrielle: "Bree, you heard what she said. I can’t let this poor kid go back to China and become someone’s slave!"
Xiao-Mei: "Thank you."
Gabrielle: "All right, look my friends want to take some of this to go, so pack it up and we’re a little low on coffee."

---

Lynette: "Honey, you’ve been working so hard. Off on business trips all the time. Tonight we throw caution and cholestrol to the wind. You deserve a little comfort food."
Tom: "Oh, no, you’re pregnant?"
Lynette: "God! Your mind goes to dark places."

---

Lynette: "You’re under contract. Ed can't fire you unless he has just cause. So until this blows over, you have to be a model employee. Show up on time, no more three martini lunches, and above all, have ready all of your presentations."
Tom: "I can’t believe I’m being victimized like this."
Lynette: "Well, honey, in all fairness, those are all things you should be doing anyway."

---

Gabrielle: "Okay, uh, well. Oh, okay, it’s like this. The three of us are making your famous szechuan dumpings. And I’m the dough and Carlos is the pork and you’re the oven!"
Xiao-Mei: "I have baby?"
Carlos: "Okay, we take care of everything. You know uh, hospital bills and maternity clothes and Lamaze classes. And of course, you wouldn’t have to do any work!"
Gabrielle: "Well, uh, maybe just a little light dusting, nothing major."
Xiao-Mei: "No!"
Gabrielle: "Xiao-Mei, you don’t have a choice. It's either this or go back to China."
Xiao-Mei: "No to baby! No!"
Carlos: "You had to push the dusting, didn’t you?"

---

Tom: "I have got the Boston Toy presentation ready to go."
Ed: "Actually, I don't have time for a full pitch, so just give me the gist."
Tom: "Excuse me?"
Ed: "You know, boil it down. Give me one line."
Tom: "Okay, basically, it's 'toys are fun.'"
Ed: "I hate it."
Tom: "How can you hate it? I only gave you three words."
Ed: "It's three words I hate."

---

Mary Alice: "Susan knew she couldn't afford to keep the P.I. from revealing her affair with Karl and since Edie would learn the truth anyway, Susan felt it would be better if it came from her. Which is how she came to write a letter begging Edie for forgiveness. Her words were so sincere and heartfelt, from the moment she mailed it, Susan knew she was a dead woman."

---

Carlos: "I still can't believe it. I mean, why would Xiao-Mei just offer herself up to me like that?"
Gabrielle: "Well, honey, she's a virgin. Who knows why virgins do anything?"
Carlos: "She's a virgin? Are you serious?"
Gabrielle: "Yeah. I wouldn't just slam her for no reason."

---

Susan: "Oh! Darn it. Guess we'll have to take a rain check, huh?"
Gus: "I can come back on Tuesday."
Susan: "Tu-Tuesday? No, no, Tuesday's not good, 'cause Tuesday's the day I, um, become a lesbian."

---

Susan: "You're always worried about Julie and me and you beat up my new boyfriend. And now you're protecting me from Edie. Do you know what all that means?"
Mike: "That you're high maintenance?"

---

Mary Alice: "When the truth is ugly, people try to keep it hidden, because they know if revealed, the damage it will do. So they conceal it within sturdy walls or they place it behind closed doors or they obscure it with clever disguises but truth, no matter how ugly, always emerges. And someone we care about always ends up getting hurt. And someone else will revel in their pain and that's the ugliest truth of all."