This was typed by Lucy, foxhidden, and Amanda, mere humans, and mistakes are possible. If you find any, no matter how trivial, please let me know. (desperate_housewives at yahoo dot com)

In the interest of finishing the transcripts faster, screen caps will no longer be placed on the transcripts. You can find screen caps at the following websites:
Desperate Housewives
Wisteria Lane
The Suburbs
Desperate Housewives

If you know of any other screen caps sites, please e-mail them to me: (desperate_housewives at yahoo dot com)

Guest stars
"Andrew Van de Kamp" - Shawn Pyfrom
"Danielle Van de Kamp" - Joy Lauren
"Matthew Applewhite" - Mehcad Brooks
"Preston Scavo" - Brent Kinsman
"Porter Scavo" - Shane Kinsman
"Parker Scavo" - Zane Huett
"Caleb" - Nashawn Kearse
"Ed Ferrara" - Currie Graham
"Peter McMillian" - Lee Tergesen
"Xiao-Mei" - Gwendoline Yeo
"Justin" - Ryan Carnes
"Gus" - Mike Hagerty
"Oliver Weston" - John Mariano
"Sam Killian" - Jim O'Heir
"Nurse" - Angela Hughes

Written by: Kevin Etten & Bruce Zimmerman
Directed by: Wendey Stanzler

Mike's Front Yard - Daytime

Private Investigator Oliver Weston is hiding in the bushes using some sort of listening device.

"The most successful private investigator in Fairview was a man named Oliver Weston. Try though he might, Oliver couldn’t remember the exact moment he stopped believing in love."

Oliver pulls out a camera and begins taking pictures.

Flashback - Nighttime

Late a night, a man and woman start necking in a darkened car.

"Was it the night he caught an executive cheating with his secretary?"

Freeze frame - photo of the executive necking.

Flashback - Daytime

Delivery man approaches a young lady standing in her front doorway.

"Or was it the day he saw a housewife cheating with her delivery boy?"

Freeze frame - photo of the housewife grabbing/kissing the delivery boy.

Flashback

Young lady in bra and panties standing in front of a window. A man and women enter the picture as the girl removes her bra.

"Or was it the time he caught the girl next door cheating with the couple across the street?"

Freeze frame - on the threesome. Oliver is behind a tree taking the picture.

"Whenever the moment, Oliver Weston was now officially a cynic..."

Present

Oliver hiding in the bushes with the "listening ear."

"...who only believed in betrayal and suspicion."

Oliver is taking a picture of Karl and Susan in Susan’s garage.

"Luckily for Oliver, that’s what paid his bills."

Susan: "Okay. Stop that."

Oliver’s camera is blocked. He focuses upward onto Mike’s face.

Mike: "What are you doing?"
Oliver: "Oh, sorry man. Are these your bushes? I’ll clean it all up when I’m done. I'll be like I was not here."

Mike grabs Oliver by the lapels and pulls him out of the bushes.

Mike: "You’re done now!"
Oliver: "Oh easy, big fella. I’m just a P.I. doing a domestic surveillance job."
Mike: "For who?"
Oliver: "The blonde lady at the end of the street."
Mike: "Edie Britt?"
Oliver: "Yeah. That’s her fiancé."

Mike looks toward Susan’s house.

Oliver: "He dumped her for another woman. I just figured out who."
Mike: "Susan? There’s nothing going on there. They used to be married. She’s only talking to him because they had a kid together."
Oliver: "From what I heard, they’re on their way to kid number two."
Mike: "You don’t know what you’re talking about."
Oliver: "And you don’t know these soccer moms like I do. By day they bake cookies and carpool. Dim the lights and bam! They turn into total pigs!"

He squeals, imitating a pig.

Mike: "She’s not like that."
Oliver: "Oh please. Look at her. That woman clearly knows her way around a mattress."

Mike punches Oliver, who falls down.

"Yes, Oliver Weston had become a cynic, which is why he couldn’t recognize a man who was still in love."

Opening Credits

Wisteria Lane - Late Night

Outside the Applewhite house.

"Every family has a way of hiding what it doesn’t want seen."

Panning to a painting on a wall.

"Whether it’s with a picture that covers a stain on a wall."

Panning to a closet door.

"Or with a closet door that conceals the chaos inside."

Panning to a photograph of Betty, Matthew and Caleb all smiling.

"Or with artificial smiles that mask years of pain and heartache."

Panning to another photograph of the three, again smiling.

"Every family goes to great lengths to hide ugly truths."

Betty opens a desk drawer to reveal a medication bottle which she picks up.

"Some, of course, go further than others."

Betty's House

Betty takes a pint of ice cream out of the freezer. She scoops out the ice cream into a bowl.

Matthew: "So, are you going to do this tonight?"
Betty: "No, the ice cream is for tomorrow. I’m taking Caleb on a picnic to Rottwater Lake. I’m preparing all of his favorite foods."
Matthew: "So, when you’re done, you're just gonna leave him lying there?"

Betty pours the phenobarbital into the bowl of ice cream.

Betty: "No. I’ll call nine-one-one anonymously. But I will be watching from a distance to make sure that they pick up his body."
Matthew: "You know, mom, you don’t have to do this."
Betty: "I won’t let him hurt another girl and I will not turn him over to people who will mock and abuse him. I just won’t."

Betty begins scooping the ice cream back into the pint container. She covers the container.

Betty: "His last day on this earth is going to be a perfect one."

Gabrielle's House

Xiao-Mei is crying while scooping some casserole onto a plate. She offers it to Gabrielle. Bree, Lynette, Susan and Edie are standing around the kitchen counter that's covered with dishes of food.

Gabrielle: "Oh, no thanks, Xiao-Mei. Poor thing, she was so attached to Lily."
Susan: "Where’d all this food come from?"
Gabrielle: "The people from Carlos’ church."
Lynette: "So you think you and Carlos will try for another adoption?"
Gabrielle: "I don’t think I could go through that pain again. I did freeze some of my eggs so we might do the surrogacy thing, but I don’t know."
Bree: "Honey, you’ve got to eat something."
Gabrielle: "I don’t have an appetite. If fact, this is all going to go to waste. You guys should take something."
Lynette: "No, no, you should keep it."
Edie: "I’ll take a couple."

The other three ladies look at her.

Edie: "What? Karl dumped me, so I’m alone. Food fills the void."

Xiao-Mei is standing behind them reading a letter. She begins to cry.

Gabrielle: "Xiao-Mei, I appreciate your grief, but really, you’re bringing everybody down. Would you pull it together?"
Xiao-Mei: "Mrs. Solis?"

She hands Gabrielle the letter, which Gabrielle reads.

Gabrielle: "I don’t understand. It’s from the government."

Lynette takes the letter.

Lynette: "Gaby, she’s being deported. Xiao-Mei, is this the first letter like this you’ve received?"

Xiao-Mei walks over the a drawer and opens it. She pulls out a large stack of letters. Everyone gasps as she hands them to Gaby.

Gabrielle: "Oh my god, this can’t be happening."
Xiao-Mei: "I can’t go home. My uncle will sell me again."
Gabrielle: "Oh no, no Xiao-Mei, you’re not going anywhere. You’re much too important to Carlos and me. We’re gonna fight this and we’re gonna win!"
Bree: "Gaby, you can’t promise her that!"
Gabrielle: "Bree, you heard what she said. I can’t let this poor kid go back to China and become someone’s slave!"
Xiao-Mei: "Thank you."

Xiao-Mei leans in for a hug. Gabrielle hugs her, pats her back, then pushes her gently away.

Gabrielle: "All right, look my friends want to take some of this to go, so pack it up and we’re a little low on coffee."

Lynette's House - Nighttime

Lynette uncovers the macaroni and cheese platter from Gabrielle’s house. She spoons some onto Tom’s plate.

Tom: "You’re actually going to let me eat this?"
Lynette: "Honey, you’ve been working so hard. Off on business trips all the time. Tonight we throw caution and cholestrol to the wind. You deserve a little comfort food."

Lynette kisses the top of Tom’s head.

Tom: "Oh, no, you’re pregnant?"
Lynette: "God! Your mind goes to dark places."
Tom: "Honey, you just served me a plate of whole fat Gouda. What’s up?"
Lynette: "Okay. Well, remember I was helping Ed spark up his lovelife?"
Tom: "Yeah, you sent his wife those sexy IMs. Why?"
Lynette: "Well, Fran found out that Ed didn’t send them and she blew her top. She wants the responsible party fired. And Ed lied and told her that you sent them."
Tom: "But it wasn’t me, it was you."
Lynette: "I know."
Tom: "Oh, oh! But Ed couldn’t possibly lose you! No, no, no, I’m the expendable one!"
Lynette: "Look, I know it’s ridiculous, but Ed is not a rational person. Fran has him whipped and a whipped husband is someone we must take very seriously."
Tom: "Okay, how do we handle this?"
Lynette: "You’re under contract. Ed can't fire you unless he has just cause. So until this blows over, you have to be a model employee. Show up on time, no more three martini lunches, and above all, have ready all of your presentations."
Tom: "I can’t believe I’m being victimized like this."
Lynette: "Well, honey, in all fairness, those are all things you should be doing anyway."
Tom: "Fine!"

Tom walks away. He comes back, grabs his plate and the bottle of wine and stomps out.

Bree's House

Bree is serving dinner.

Bree: "Andrew, I am having Peter over for dinner tomorrow night and I was wondering if you would like to invite Justin?"
Andrew: "Yeah. Thanks. I’ll call him tonight."
Danielle: "Since you two are having your boyfriends over, can I invite Matthew?"
Bree: "Out of the question."
Danielle: "So, let me get this straight. You can date a lush and he can bring over his gay lover, but god forbid I date a hot black guy."
Bree: "Until they lock Caleb up, I don’t want you anywhere near that family."
Andrew: "His brother tried to rape you, and his mother keeps the guy locked up in her basement. I mean, let’s face it Danielle, even you could do better."
Danielle: "Since when do you take Mom’s side over mine?"
Bree: "Your brother and I had a talk and we’ve come to a detente of sorts."
Danielle: "Really? Even after she screwed you out of your trust fund?"
Bree: "Well, he did falsely accuse me of child abuse. I would say we’re even, wouldn’t you, Andrew?"
Andrew: "Sure, Mom. We’re even."

Bree leaves the room. Andrew laughs quietly.

Danielle: "You can stop smiling now, I know your face is tired."
Andrew: "What?"
Danielle: "I’m not stupid. I know you hate her now as much as ever."
Andrew: "Mom and I are in a good place right now. Why can’t you believe that?"

Mike's House

Susan is at his door.

Susan: "Hi. I got your message. What’s up?"
Mike: "Come on in. This is Oliver Weston. He’s a P.I. Edie hired him."
Susan: "Edie hired a P.I.?"
Mike: "Yeah. He’s been spying on you and Karl."
Oliver: "How you doin'?"
Mike: "He thinks you two have been having an affair."
Susan: "Me and Karl? Why would you think that?"

Oliver pushes the ‘play’ button on a tape recorder.

Karl (on the tape): "Come on, Suse, you know we’re meant to be together."
Susan (on the tape): "Karl, just stop."
Susan: "Well, that is Karl being nostalgic."
Karl (on the tape): "You said yourself: the sex last week was the best you ever had."

Oliver pushes the ‘stop’ button.

Susan: "Okay, um, first of all, it was not the best sex I ever had. I just said that to make him feel better." (whispering) "Obviously you were the best sex I ever had."
Oliver: "That explains the punch in the face."
Mike: "I’m gonna hit you again if you don’t shut up!"
Susan: "I know this sounds bad."
Mike: "You were actually fooling around with Karl behind Edie’s back?"
Susan: "No, no, no, no. Karl lied to me. He told me that he and Edie had split up before..."
Mike: "You know what? I don’t even care."
Susan: "Mike."

Mike opens his front door.

Oliver: "Are we done here?"
Mike: "Yeah!"

Oliver leaves.

Mike: "Goodnight, Susan."

Susan leaves and runs after Oliver.

Susan: "Hey, hey you, wait, wait, wait! You cannot tell Edie about this. Whatever she is paying you, I’ll pay you double!"
Oliver: "She paid a two grand retainer, plus expenses."
Susan: "Two thousand dollars? Jeez! I gotta get into real estate. Okay, I, I don’t have that kinda cash."
Oliver: "Well, then I guess I take the tape to Ms. Britt."

Susan grabs the tape out of Oliver’s hand and runs.

Oliver: "I have a copy!"

Susan walks back and hands the tape to Oliver. Mike is looking out his window.

Susan: "Okay, let’s try this another way. You are about to unleash a nuclear explosion. Lives are going to be ruined."
Oliver: "I’ll tell you what. I’ll hold off 'til Monday to report to Ms. Britt."
Susan: "Yes!"
Oliver: "Give you some time to gather a little cash."
Susan: "What if I can’t?"

Oliver makes an explosion noise.

U.S. Department of Homeland Security

Carlos and Gabrielle are in the office of a government official.

Officer: "I’m sorry but Xiao-Mei missed all of her appeal deadlines."
Carlos: "So, that’s it? You’re just going to send her back to China?"
Officer: "My hands are tied. If your maid were married to an American citizen or have a child who is an American citizen or if she were a well-known entertainer."
Gabrielle: "Uh, what if she was pregnant with an American citizen?"

Carlos and Gabrielle look at each other.

Gabrielle's House

Xiao-Mei is doing her housework when Gabrielle and Carlos walk in.

Gabrielle: "Ah, Xiao-Mei. We spoke to Homeland Security and we have good news."
Xiao-Mei: "I can stay?"
Gabrielle: "Mmm hmm."
Xiao-Mei: "Oh, thank you!"

She grabs Gabrielle and hugs her.

Gabrielle: "Ah, okay."
Xiao-Mei: "Thank you!"
Gabrielle: "Well, there’s just one little thing. Um, the immigration laws have gotten really tough in this country, so we’re behind the eight ball going in. But we plead your case and we fought tooth and nail and the law says you can stay, but only if you have our baby."
Xiao-Mei: "What?"
Carlos: "The agency said that if you were pregnant with an American citizen, then they couldn’t deport you."
Gabrielle: "So we thought you need a baby in your belly! We need a surrogate! Win! Win! Win!"
Xiao-Mei: "Sur-ro-git?"
Gabrielle: "Oh well, it would be our baby, it would just be growing inside of you."

Xiao-Mei looks confused.

Gabrielle: "Okay, uh, well. Oh, okay, it’s like this. The three of us are making your famous szechuan dumpings. And I’m the dough and Carlos is the pork and you’re the oven!"
Xiao-Mei: "I have baby?"
Carlos: "Okay, we take care of everything. You know uh, hospital bills and maternity clothes and Lamaze classes. And of course, you wouldn’t have to do any work!"
Gabrielle: "Well, uh, maybe just a little light dusting, nothing major."
Xiao-Mei: "No!"
Gabrielle: "Xiao-Mei, you don’t have a choice. It's either this or go back to China."
Xiao-Mei: "No to baby! No!"

She runs out of the room, crying.

Carlos: "You had to push the dusting, didn’t you?"

Bree's House

Bree is preparing hors d’oerves while talking on the phone.

Bree: "Peter, I don't think I'm being unreasonable here."
Peter: "It's not like I'm gonna advertise my addiction history, but if your kids ask a direct question, I'm not gonna lie to them."

Andrew walks in.

Bree: "Right! Uh-huh. Good point."

Andrew leaves the room.

Bree: "Listen, I don't expect you to lie about the alcoholism. I mean, they know that's how we met. It's just, you know, the other thing."
Peter: "Oh! The other thing."
Bree: "They're just getting to know you and so I want them to focus on your good qualities. I just don't know how they'll react if they find out that you're a sex addict."

In the other room, Andrew is listening in on the extension. He smiles.

Outside Bree's House

Andrew is sitting on the steps. Danielle comes home.

Danielle: "What are you so happy about?"
Andrew: "You know how you were mad at mom about not letting Matthew come to dinner?"
Danielle: "Yeah."
Andrew: "I just figured out the funniest way for you to get back at her."

Parcher & Murphy Conference Room

Ed: "Okay, what's on the schedule for today?"
Tom: "I have got the Boston Toy presentation ready to go."
Ed: "Actually, I don't have time for a full pitch, so just give me the gist."
Tom: "Excuse me?"
Ed: "You know, boil it down. Give me one line."
Tom: "Okay, basically, it's 'toys are fun.'"
Ed: "I hate it."
Tom: "How can you hate it? I only gave you three words."
Ed: "It's three words I hate. Okay, I'm gonna take over the Boston Toy Company account."
Tom: "No, you cannot take over—"
Ed: "In the meantime, you should all be aware I don't like the way you people have been filing your expense reports. There's been a lot of padding. Meanwhile, this company is hemorrhaging money. I'm gonna put a stop to it, so I have hired a forensic accountant. He's gonna go through them, make sure everything's kosher. And I find one receipt, one bar tab that's fishy, it's grounds for dismissal. Oh, Scavo? He's gonna start with you."

Lynette's Office

Lynette: "I can't believe that son of a bitch hired a forensic accountant. He's more whipped than I thought. Well, he's tragically underestimated us. The gloves are coming off."
Tom: "You know, maybe I should just quit."
Lynette: "What? Yesterday you were up in arms. Now, now you're ready to cave?"
Tom: "If Ed is determined to get me, sooner or later, he's gonna get me. It's just a matter of time."
Lynette: "No, no! We are not backing down. I'm gonna walk over to Ed's office right now, and I'm gonna make very clear that if you're out the door, I'm right behind ya."
Tom: "We can't both be unemployed."
Lynette: "Oh, it'll never happen. He knows this place will go down like a house of cards without me."
Tom: "Honey, wait. Just wait!"
Lynette: "What, what?"
Tom: "I'm not gonna hide behind my wife's skirt."
Lynette: "We're a team. I'm just lending support."
Tom: "That's not the way it's gonna look to everybody else out there. Look, let me talk to him, man to man. If my way doesn't work, then we'll do it your way."
Lynette: "Okay, go get him."

Tom walks into Ed’s office as Lynette watches. Ed gets out from behind his desk and talks with Tom. Tom punches Ed and knocks him down.

Lynette: "Oh, my god! Oh, my god! Tom, what happened?"
Tom: "I think I gave him just cause."

Susan's House

Susan is getting some stationary out.

"Susan knew she couldn't afford to keep the P.I. from revealing her affair with Karl and since Edie would learn the truth anyway, Susan felt it would be better if it came from her."

Susan begins writing 'Dear Edie' on the paper.

"Which is how she came to write a letter begging Edie for forgiveness."

Susan walks to a mailbox.

"Her words were so sincere and heartfelt, from the moment she mailed it, Susan knew..."

Susan throws the letter addressed to Edie into the mailbox. A horn honks and Edie waves as she drives by.

"...she was a dead woman."

Rottwater Lake - Daytime

Betty and Caleb are on a picnic by the lake. Caleb is eating from the pint of ice cream Betty packed.

Betty: "You know, Caleb, since the day you were born, I've always thought of you as a blessing. You do know that, right?"
Caleb: "I guess. How come Matty's not here?"
Betty: "Because this is our special day, just you and me."
Caleb: "Is he mad at me? 'Cause of Danielle?"
Betty: "No. He knows that you didn't mean to scare her."
Caleb: "'Cause he said it was okay for me to kiss her."
Betty: "What did you say?"
Caleb: "He said Danielle liked me and that she wouldn't fight me if I gave her a kiss."

Betty stops Caleb from eating the ice cream.

Betty: "Your brother told you that?"
Caleb: "Matty said that she was waiting for me and that she wanted a really big kiss."
Betty: "What else did your brother tell you?"

Xiao-Mei's Room

Xiao-Mei is lying on the bed. Gabrielle brings in some cocoa.

Gabrielle: "Xiao-Mei? I made you some hot cocoa. I guess the baby thing didn't really appeal to you, huh? I know it's a lot to ask, it's just, Carlos and I think of you as family. Don't you think of us as family?"
Xiao-Mei: "Oh, yes! You are like mother to me."
Gabrielle: "Mm hmm. Well, if we are so frigging close, what's the big deal? It's nine months out of your life."
Xiao-Mei: "I will be ruined."
Gabrielle: "Ruined?"
Xiao-Mei: "Down there."
Gabrielle: "Wait. Are you a virgin? Wow."
Xiao-Mei: "If I have baby, I will be shamed."
Gabrielle: "Are you kidding? No one cares about virginity in this country. It went out of style in the fifties, and trust me, honey, it ain't making a comeback. Seriously, no one cares."
Xiao-Mei: "Husband would care. No man want me if I ruined. I want husband so much."
Gabrielle: "Well, what kind of husband do you want? Do you want a rich husband? Well, then, rich men don't marry virgins for the same reasons they don't hire chauffeurs who can't drive. They value experience."
Xiao-Mei: "Really?"
Gabrielle: "Would I lie to family?"

Ed's Office - Nighttime

Lynette: "Here are the numbers you wanted."
Ed: "Lynette, wait. Have you heard from Tom?"
Lynette: "He's not answering his cell phone. But you don't have to worry, okay? You got what you wanted. He's out of the building."
Ed: "Come in here and close the door."
Lynette: "You sure? I might punch you, too."
Ed: "I'll take my chances."
Lynette: "If this is where you want me to apologize for my husband, I'm not gonna do it. Maybe he shouldn't have hit you, but you provoked him."
Ed: "Now wait a minute—"
Lynette: "No! I am sorry, Tom gets punished because you can't deal with your screwed-up marriage. It is pathetic, Ed. If you had stood up to your wife in the first place, none of this -- what?"
Ed: "I love it. You're giving me crap about my marriage. You know what? Here! Oh, the forensic accountant found some interesting stuff in Tom's expense reports. Yeah, it seems on his last three trips east, he cashed in his first-class ticket and took a detour to Atlantic City."
Lynette: "What? That can't be right."
Ed: "Well, it's all there. Hotels, bar tabs. Oh, and on this page two tickets to a show. And flowers."
Lynette: "That doesn't make any sense. There's gotta be some kind of an explanation for this."
Ed: "Before you pass judgment on someone else's marriage, I'd clean up my own house first."

Bree's House

Bree, Peter, Andrew, and Justin are sitting at the table.

Bree: "Sorry, I don't know what's taking Danielle so long to get dressed."
Andrew: "Just give her a break, mom. I'm sure she's just trying to look nice for our company."
Peter: "Well, I hope she doesn't get too dressed up. I like people to be comfortable."

Danielle walks in wearing a skimpy dress.

Danielle: "Oh, I'm comfortable."
Bree: "Honey, what are you wearing?"
Danielle: "You got me this for Christmas. Don't you remember?"
Bree: "Yeah, I just, I'm worried you might be a little cold."
Danielle: "I think it's plenty warm in here. Don't you, Mr. McMillan?"
Peter: "Uh, sure."
Andrew: "Well, uh, we should probably start eating. We don't want our frittatas to get cold."
Bree: "Right. Good. Um, sorry. Everybody, dig in."
Peter: "Wow. Does anybody else think this salsa's a little too spicy?"
Danielle: "I always say, the hotter, the better."

Peter stares at Danielle and looks at her cleavage.

Andrew: "So, Mr. McMillan, I hear you went to Perkins College. I'm thinking about going there after I graduate."
Peter: "Uh, Perkins, huh? I was there. Yeah, I made it to every party, and I went to classes in my spare time. No, actually, it's a great college. I, I, I think you'd like it."

Bree puts her hand on Peter's knee under the table.

Bree: "Isn't this wonderful? Good food, pleasant conversation. This really is a very special night."

Danielle puts her hand on Peter’s other knee under the table.

Danielle: "I feel the same way."
Andrew: "So, Peter, is it growing?"
Peter: "What?"
Andrew: "Uh, the campus. Has it grown at all since you've been there?"

Danielle raises her hand higher on Peter’s leg.

Peter: "Um, yeah, it's, grown considerably."
Andrew: "I would just love to get my hands on a brochure."

Danielle raises her hand higher.

Peter: "The alumni association is always sending me stuff, you know. I'll, I'll get you something!"

Danielle’s hand is almost to Peter’s crotch. Peter jumps up.

Bree: "Oh, my god, are you okay?"
Peter: "I just remembered, you know, this guy I'm sponsoring, he said he needed to see me tonight, so I should go to him."
Bree: "Well, I guess that's important, so..."
Peter: "Yeah, so I should go. No need to show me out."
Bree: "What a shame. I really wanted him to have a chance to get to know you guys."
Danielle: "Don't worry, I, I think we made an impression."

Parcher & Murphy - Nighttime

Tom is in his office, packing a box.

Lynette: "Hey. Hey! I didn't know if you were coming back."
Tom: "I waited until the parking lot cleared."
Lynette: "So, um, what happened? You said you were just gonna go in there and talk to him."
Tom: "I know, I know. I know I shouldn't have hit him, but what's done is done."
Lynette: "Anything else going on?"
Tom: "Like what?"
Lynette: "I don't know. Anything you wanna talk about? 'Cause there's nothing you couldn't tell me. I would understand."
Tom: "No, I feel good about this. It's okay, 'cause I didn't fit in around here anyway. I'm gonna get another job someplace else. Everything's good. And you, I love."
Lynette: "I love you, too."

Tom walks to the elevator.

Lynette: "You know what's weird?"
Tom: "No, what?"
Lynette: "In all the years we have been married, I have never seen you lead with your fists."
Tom: "Well, maybe I still got some surprises in me."
Lynette: "Maybe you do."

The elevator door closes.

Betty's House

Betty walks in.

Matthew: "Is it done?"
Betty: "Mm hmm. We can mourn your brother later. Right now there are things that still need to be done."

Later, Matthew and Betty walk down the basement stairs.

Betty: "We need to get rid of everything. Mattress, clothes, all of it."

Betty and Matthew go to the basement. Matthew goes into Caleb’s old locked room. Betty closes the door from the outside and locks it.

Matthew: "Mom, the, the door's locked."
Betty: "I know."
Matthew: "Mom, you need to open this door right now! Mom!"

Matthew bangs on the door. Betty walks away.

Outside Betty's House - Nighttime

Caleb is sitting in the car. He looks at the house, then turns and looks out the car window.

Gabrielle's House

Carlos comes downstairs in his robe.

Gabrielle: "Honey, why aren't you dressed yet? We have to be at the fertility clinic in forty minutes!"
Carlos: "Aw, shoot! Is that today?"
Gabrielle: "And, uh, give Xiao-Mei a kick in the pants. I haven't seen her all morning."

Carlos in the bathroom washing his hands. Xiao-Mei walks in wearing a bathrobe.

Carlos: "Hey. Today's the, uh, big day. You ready to, uh, make a baby?"

Xiao-Mei takes off the robe. She is naked. Carlos stares at her.

Xiao-Mei: "Ready."

Xiao-Mei: "Please, be gentle."

She lifts the covers and as Carlos stares at her naked body, Gabrielle walks in. She is shocked to see a naked Xiao-Mei in their bed.

Gabrielle: "Honey, come on. We're gonna be late."
Carlos: "Hmm, ah. I think she's confused as to how we're gonna make this baby happen."
Gabrielle: "And were you planning on setting her straight?"
Carlos: "Next thing out of my mouth."

Bree's House

Andrew walks into Danielle's room.

Andrew: "Come on! The guy's ready to explode."
Danielle: "I don't care. I'm not sleeping with mom's boyfriend."
Andrew: "You can't back out now. You were great the other night. You got Peter on the hook. He's primed."
Danielle: "I was just messing with his head to get back at mom. That's all."
Andrew: "Yeah, but why stop there? She's keeping you from Matthew. Now, come on, she deserves this."
Danielle: "I am not that stupid. Go grind your own ax."

The doorbell rings.

Andrew: "That's him. I don't have time for this crap. Now strip down to your bra and panties now."
Danielle: "Get out of my room, you psycho!"

Andrew walks into the kitchen.

Andrew: "Um, my mom won't be back for a while, so you probably don't wanna wait around."
Peter: "Well, that's okay. I just wanted to make sure you got the Perkins catalog. Uh, your mom told me that you're going on a tour there tomorrow."
Andrew: "Yeah."
Peter: "You're gonna love it. The campus is beautiful, the teachers are amazing, and the student body is such a great mix. You know, they're all about diversity."
Andrew: "Whatever. All right, well, I'll let my mom know you stopped by."
Peter: "Okay. Andrew, I also wanted to apologize for leaving so fast the other night. I, I started to get the feeling that your sister was coming on to me, which was upsetting because—"
Andrew: "You're a sex addict?"
Peter: "Your mom told you about that?"
Andrew: "Let's just say the word's out. But, um, I'm curious, back in the day, what kind of stuff were you into?"
Peter: "I don't know that I wanna talk about that."
Andrew: "Well, I just wanna make sure you're not into anything too freaky. You know, I mean, you are dating my mom and I'm kinda protective of her."
Peter: "Well, you can relax. I mean, I wasn't some sort of pervert, you know. All I can say is, I went through a dark period and I slept with a whole lot of people."
Andrew: "People?"
Peter: "What's wrong?"
Andrew: "No, it's just that when most guys discuss their conquests, they don't say 'people.'"
Peter: "Oh, well..."
Andrew: "No, it's okay. I appreciate the fact that you value diversity."

Susan's House

Mike knocks on the door.

Susan: "Who is it?"
Mike: "Mike. Susan?"
Susan: "Hi. Sorry. I'm just on the lookout for Edie."
Mike: "Oh, well, you can relax. Edie won't be coming after you."
Susan: "Why?"
Mike: "I talked to the P.I. and he's not gonna tell her anything."
Susan: "What did you say?"
Mike: "I paid him off, so it's over. I just thought you should know."
Susan: "Well, wait. Why would you do that?"
Mike: "People just get hurt if it gets out. I didn't see the point."

As Mike walks away, Susan sees the mailman approaching. Susan gets some iced tea and goes outside just as the mailman is opening her mailbox.

Susan: "Hey there. You look thirsty."

Inside Susan’s house, the mailman drinks the iced tea.

Gus: "This is really nice of you, Mrs. Mayer. To be honest with you, I wasn't even sure that you liked me."
Susan: "And you know why? Because we're all so busy and detached from each other. You're at my house every day and sure, we wave and we say hello, but we barely even know each other. How long have you been delivering my mail, for god's sake?"
Gus: "Three and a half weeks."
Susan: "Really? It seems like forever. Let me top you off."
Gus: "Oh, no, I couldn't. This is my third glass. I, seriously, I'm sloshin'."
Susan: "Well, you probably wanna use the bathroom before you leave, huh?"
Gus: "No, I'm good."
Susan: "Are you sure? Uh, I mean, you have such a long route, and that iced tea's gonna go right through you. It's better here than Mrs. McCluskey's hydrangeas."
Gus: "Well, you know, uh, maybe I will use your bathroom."
Susan: "Great! Oh, the one down here is broken. Why don't you use the one upstairs? It's right off my bedroom."
Gus: "Yeah. Okay. Got it."

Gus goes upstairs. Susan waits until he's out of sight, then goes through his mail sack and pulls out the letter she wrote to Edie. She breathes a sigh of relief. She tucks the letter into her own stack of mail and sits back down.

Fairview Fertility Clinic

Carlos: "I still can't believe it. I mean, why would Xiao-Mei just offer herself up to me like that?"
Gabrielle: "Well, honey, she's a virgin. Who knows why virgins do anything?"
Carlos: "She's a virgin? Are you serious?"
Gabrielle: "Yeah. I wouldn't just slam her for no reason."
Nurse: "Mr. Solis? It's time to collect your D.N.A."
Gabrielle: "Oh! Okay, honey, only good swimmers now."
Nurse: "If you like, we have a variety of magazines and videos available."

Carlos looks over at Xiao-Mei.

Carlos: "Mm, I think I'm good."

Susan's House

Susan is still sitting at her kitchen table waiting for Gus to come down.

Susan: "Gus? Are you okay up there?"

She goes upstairs and finds Gus lying on her bed while in his boxer shorts and undershirt.

Susan: "Gus!"
Gus: "Uh, do you want me to keep the hat on? I know it's a fantasy for some women."
Susan: "Uh."

Downstairs, Julie comes in. She sees the mail sack on the table.

Julie: "Mom? Is the mailman here?"
Susan (to Gus): "That's my daughter. Get dressed!"
Julie: "Mom?"
Susan: "Yes, honey. Gus, the mailman, is here! He's using the bathroom. He'll be down in a minute." (to Gus) "Oh! Darn it. Guess we'll have to take a rain check, huh?"
Gus: "I can come back on Tuesday."
Susan: "Tu-Tuesday? No, no, Tuesday's not good, 'cause Tuesday's the day I, um, become a lesbian."

Downstairs, Julie goes through the delivered mail. She finds the one addressed to Edie and puts it back into the mail sack before walking away.

Bree's House

Bree comes home and calls out.

Bree: "Andrew? Honey, where are you? I got your message. What's the emergency? Andrew? Andrew?"

Bree goes upstairs and finds Andrew in her bed.

Bree: "Andrew? Honey, what are you doing in my bed?"

Peter comes out of the bathroom wearing only a pair of boxer shorts.

Peter: "Have you seen my pants? I can’t find..."

A shocked Bree looks at Andrew. He smiles.

Andrew: "Now we're even."

Outside Bree's House

Bree closes the trunk of her car as Andrew approaches.

Bree: "Did you forget that we're supposed to take that tour of Perkins college today?"
Andrew: "Seriously? After last night, I didn't exactly think you'd be too keen on sitting next to me in a car for three hours."
Bree: "Consider me a cheerleader for anything that expedites me getting you out from under my roof."
Andrew: "Glad we can come to an understanding."

Deserted Road

Bree’s drives down the road. She stops at what looks like an abandoned gas station and turns off the engine.

Andrew: "Why'd we stop here? We have half a tank left."
Bree: "There's so many things I wanna say to you, Andrew. But mostly, I just want you to know how sorry I am."
Andrew: "Sorry for what?"
Bree: "Every child deserves to be loved unconditionally and I thought that was the kind of love that I had for you. Maybe if I had, it would've been different."
Andrew: "Why do I suddenly get the feeling we're not gonna make it out to Perkins College today?"

Bree gets out of the car and walks to the trunk. Andrew follows.

Andrew: "What are you doing?"
Bree: "I packed up some of your things. There's also, um, an envelope in here with some money and that should tide you over until you get a job."
Andrew: "What, you're gonna, you're gonna leave me out here in the middle of nowhere?"
Bree: "I noticed a bus stop about a mile back. You can go anywhere you want."
Andrew: "Mama, mom, please don't do this."
Bree: "I have to. I can't be around you anymore. I'm just not strong enough."

She starts to turn away from him.

Andrew: "You know what the good news is? I win."
Bree: "You win?"
Andrew: "I remember the look in your eyes when I told you I was gay and I knew that one day, you would stop loving me. So here we are. I was right. I, I win."
Bree: "Well, good for you."

Bree gets into the car, starts the engine, and drives away. In the rearview mirror, she sees Andrew standing all alone by the side of the road and she begins to cry.

Outside Edie's House - Nighttime

Edie comes out and gets her mail. She finds the letter Susan wrote and reads it. She crushes the envelope.

Mike's House - Nighttime

Susan: "Hi. I made you a thank-you pie, and by "made," I mean "bought.""

She walks into Mike's house.

Outside Susan's House

As Susan goes into Mike's house, Edie comes out of the bushes. She opens Susan’s garage door, sprinkles gasoline all over the garage, goes inside, and pours gasoline all over the house then lights a match.

Mike's House

Susan is cutting a piece of pie for Mike.

Mike: "So, what exactly are you thanking me for?"
Susan: "For keeping Edie from smashing my face in. That's the nicest thing anybody ever did for me."
Mike: "Just trying to keep peace on the lane."
Susan: "Well, you keep telling yourself that. I know why you really paid that guy off. You still care about me."
Mike: "What?"
Susan: "You're always worried about Julie and me and you beat up my new boyfriend. And now you're protecting me from Edie. Do you know what all that means?"
Mike: "That you're high maintenance?"
Susan: "All right, you go ahead and be coy. Fine. I'll be the one to break the ice. I never stopped caring about you."
Mike: "That why you jumped in bed with Karl?"
Susan: "I would've never even gone there if I had thought there was a chance with us. You just closed the door so completely, I, ugh, can we just not talk about him? Have some more pie. I know you like pie. I know you like me. Listen, I'm not asking for us to get back together. I just want us to be friends."
Mike: "Susan?"
Susan: "Yes?"
Mike: "Your house is on fire."

They run out to Susan’s burning house.

Susan: "My whole house is on fire!"

"When the truth is ugly, people try to keep it hidden, because they know if revealed, the damage it will do. So they conceal it within sturdy walls or they place it behind closed doors or they obscure it with clever disguises but truth, no matter how ugly, always emerges..."

A fire truck pulls up in front of Susan’s house. Various neighbors watch as Susan’s house burns.

"And someone we care about always ends up getting hurt."

Edie stands in her house, watching out her window while drinking a glass of wine.

"And someone else will revel in their pain and that's the ugliest truth of all."

~ The End ~

This transcript was compiled and completed on May 14, 2006 by Amanda (desperate_housewives at yahoo dot com) and Lucy.
Last Update: May 14, 2006

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