Mary Alice: "Louisa Pate believed in the power of shame. As a teacher, she had found the best way to control unruly students was to instill a strong sense of shame in their parents. Of course, Mrs. Pate also knew that when it came to unruly children, some parents had more reason to be ashamed than others. Yes, Louisa Pate believed in the power of shame. She also believed when someone has that power, it’s a shame not to use it."

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Louisa: "Yesterday afternoon, Parker offered a cookie to Cindy Lou Peeples if she would show him her vagina."
Lynette: "What kind of cookie?"
Louisa: "What does that matter?"
Lynette: "Oh, it doesn’t. I’m just stalling because I am completely mortified."

---

Eleanor: "Hello, I’m Eleanor Mason, Bree’s stepmother. You’re the lawyer? We should talk."
Peter: "Ah, no, I’m not her lawyer."
Eleanor: "Good. The hair had me worried."

---

State Attorney: "We have located the biological father, Mr. Dale Helm. Unfortunately, uh, circumstances require that he be out of town. He’s in Fort Lauderdale today."
Judge Grimshaw: "On business?"
State Attorney: "Spring break actually. Mr. Helm is a high school student."
Judge Grimshaw: "Charming. In between keg stands, did the father happen to mention if he plans to waive parental rights?"
State Attorney: "I’ve left a number of voice mails, but the only response I’ve gotten is a text message that says this blows his mind and he’s extremely bummed out."

---

Judge Grimshaw: "In the meantime, try not to steal any more babies."
Gabrielle: "Oh, we just needed the one."

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Lynette: "And then the mommy and daddy, because they love each other so much, they hug real tight and a seed is magically planted. And nine months later, a baby is born."
Parker: "What kind of seed?"
Lynette: "Oh, that’s not important."
Parker: "I don’t believe you."
Lynette: "Parker, I’m your mother. Mother’s don’t lie to their sons. Now go wash your hands or Santa’s not gonna bring you anything for Christmas."

---

Felicia: "Paul? I was making cookies and I heard the most sickening thud. Are you okay?"
Paul: "There’s shortening on my doorstep."
Felicia: "Shortening? That’s the last thing you’d want on your front porch. It’s meant for baking."

---

Carlos: "You wanna be a better mother? Do what my mama did, make sacrifices. My mama worked her fingers to the bone for me."
Gabrielle: "That’s what put her in an early grave. Well, that and the hit and run thing."

---

Eleanor: "It took me a week to forgive Esperanza."
Henry: "Now she’s like family again."
Eleanor: "Family who stole from us."

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Andrew: "Well, could you live with a woman who hits you?"
Eleanor: "Bree!"
Bree: "I slapped him once and he deserved it."
Andrew: "I just asked her to stop drinking."
Henry: "You were drinking?"
Eleanor: "She’s in A.A. Her sponsor has long hair."
Bree: "Andrew, I find your concern ironic given how tanked you were when you ran over our neighbor’s mother with your car!"
Eleanor: "Is she okay?"
Bree: "She’s dead!"
Andrew: "Well, mom watched as her boyfriend committed suicide. And he was the same guy who killed dad!"
Bree: "Andrew falsely accused me of molestation. In a mall!"

---

Mrs. McCluskey: "Here's the big news. Parker offered me a fudgesicle if I would show him my vagina. Oh, good god, Lynette, relax. I didn't do it. I just got this out of the freezer a second ago."
Lynette: "Uh, yeah. Of course, no, sorry."
Mrs. McCluskey: "Apparently, Parker wanted to put a sunflower seed inside me and see if a baby would grow. Where do kids get this stuff?"
Lynette: "Oh, that was me. He was asking about the birds and the bees and I fudged a few of the details. Well, he's only seven years old. I don't think he needs to know everything yet. I don't wanna rob him of his innocence."
Mrs. McCluskey: "Well, now, that's where you're wrong. You get 'em when they're young. Give 'em all the gory details. And then when they're good and disgusted, you shame 'em."
Lynette: "Excuse me?"
Mrs. McCluskey: "You tell them sex is dirty and wrong and he shouldn't talk about it and if he does, he's going straight to hell."
Lynette: "That is ridiculous."
Mrs. McCluskey: "Spoken like a true liberal idiot."
Lynette: "No, I'm not gonna shame my son."
Mrs. McCluskey: "Mm, I'm telling ya, it works. It keeps people in their place, it keeps parents from being humiliated, and it keeps me from having to spend the afternoon talking about my woo-woo."

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Mary Alice: "We've all done something in our lives we're ashamed of. Some of us have fallen for the wrong man. Some have let go of the right woman. There are those who have humiliated their parents and those who have failed their children. Yes, we've all made mistakes that diminish us and those we love. But there is redemption if we try to learn from those mistakes and grow."