This was typed by Lucy, Foxhidden, and Amanda, mere humans, and mistakes are possible. If you find any, no matter how trivial, please let me know. (desperate_housewives at yahoo dot com)

In the interest of finishing the transcripts faster, screen caps will no longer be placed on the transcripts. You can find screen caps at the following websites:
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Guest stars
"Andrew Van de Kamp" - Shawn Pyfrom
"Danielle Van de Kamp" - Joy Lauren
"Matthew Applewhite" - Mehcad Brooks
"Preston Scavo" - Brent Kinsman
"Porter Scavo" - Shane Kinsman
"Parker Scavo" - Zane Huett
"Caleb" - Nashawn Kearse
"Orson" - Kyle MacLachlan
"Mrs. McCluskey" - Kathryn Joosten
"Felicia Tilman" - Harriet Sansom Harris
"Peter McMillian" - Lee Tergesen
"Xiao-Mei "- Gwendoline Yeo
"Justin" - Ryan Carnes
"Samuel Bormanis" - Bruce Jarchow
"Eugene Beale" - John Kapelos
"Mrs. Pate" - Amy Hill
"Henry Mason" - Ronny Cox
"Eleanor Mason" - Carol Burnett
"Lea Rappaport" - Sally Brooks
"Juan" - Jack Guzman
"Beautiful Date" - Andrea Leithe
"Chuck" - Vince Melocchi
"Judge" - William C. Mitchell
"Lead Singer" - Ken Weiler

Written by: Josh Senter
Directed by: David Grossman

Classroom - Daytime

Louisa is standing in her classroom, ruler in hand, hitting the palm of her other hand.

"Louisa Pate believed in the power of shame. As a teacher, she had found the best way to control unruly students was to instill a strong sense of shame in their parents."

Flashback

Louisa is speaking to a parent.

Louisa: "I left Tricia alone with the school hamster for only five minutes."

Louisa takes out a shoebox.

Louisa: "In this box is all that’s left of Patches."

Louisa slides the box over to Tricia’s father.

Flashback

Louisa is speaking to another parent.

Louisa: "For Show and Tell, Timmy decided to bring in something from your husband’s collection of Nazi memorabilia."

Louisa slides a Nazi armband over the desk to Timmy’s mom.

Flashback

Louisa is speaking to two parents.

Louisa: "Billy’s been threatening to beat up the other kids for their milk money. We found the proceeds in his cubby."

Louisa slides two stacks of bills over the desk to Billy’s mother and father.

Present Day

Louisa sits at her desk in front of Lynette.

"Of course, Mrs. Pate also knew that when it came to unruly children, some parents had more reason to be ashamed than others."

Lynette: "So, um, your message said that Parker had been involved in some sort of serious incident. What, what kind of incident?"
Louisa: "Yesterday afternoon, Parker offered a cookie to Cindy Lou Peeples if she would show him her vagina."
Lynette: "What kind of cookie?"
Louisa: "What does that matter?"
Lynette: "Oh, it doesn’t. I’m just stalling because I am completely mortified."
Louisa: "The kids were in a broom closet. Our janitor walked in on them just as Cindy was lifting up her pinafore."
Lynette: "Oh my goodness."
Louisa: "I’m sure you've noticed how obsessive Parker can be. A certain subject will catch his interest and that’s all he’ll talk about for weeks and weeks."
Lynette: "Oh right. That happened with dinosaurs."
Louisa: "Oh yes, we all remember his dinosaur phase. More fondly now than ever."
Lynette: "So you think that now he’s obsessed with..."
Louisa: "What’s underneath the pinafore. Yes. Look, I think he’s just developed a normal curiosity about the human body. You need to talk to him. Remind him what's appropriate and what isn’t."
Lynette: "Of course, I will talk to him. I’ll talk to him till I’m blue in the face. I promise. Take care."

Lynette gets up to leave. Louisa also stands.

"Yes, Louisa Pate believed in the power of shame. She also believed when someone has that power..."

Cut to Louisa sitting at her desk talking to Mrs. Peeples.

Louisa: "So, Mrs. Peeples. You’ll never guess what your daughter is willing to do for a ginger snap."

"...it’s a shame not to use it."

Opening Credits

Fairview County Courthouse Hallway

Andrew is sitting on a bench outside the courtroom staring at his mother.

"It had been six weeks since Andrew Van de Kamp had declared war on his mother, Bree. The final battle was about to be waged at the Fairview County Courthouse. Bree knew it was about to get bloody."

Bree holds out her hand. Peter, standing next to her, takes it.

"What she didn’t know was..."

Red high heels are coming down the hallway towards Bree.

"...the calvary was on its way..."

Eleanor: "Bree!"

"...whether she wanted them there or not."

Bree: "Eleanor!"
Eleanor: "Oh thank god I found you. This place is a maze."
Bree: "What are you doing here?"
Eleanor: "Well, your father and I got a call last night from Danielle and she said that Andrew was taking you to court! I mean to say that we were shocked would be an understatement."

She sees Peter and holds out her hand.

Eleanor: "Hello, I’m Eleanor Mason, Bree’s stepmother. You’re the lawyer? We should talk."
Peter: "Ah, no, I’m not her lawyer."
Eleanor: "Good. The hair had me worried."
Andrew: "Peter is Mom’s sponsor from A.A."
Eleanor: "Oh, sweetie. Since when are you in A.A.?"
Bree: "Recent development. Where’s Dad?"
Eleanor: "In chambers, with the Judge."
Bree: "What? Why?"

Bree’s father, Henry, come out of the Judge’s chambers.

Henry: "Everything is fine. The judge agreed to a postponement."
Eleanor: "Oh thank god."
Henry: "Luckily, he remembered me. I spoke once at his law school."

Karl walks up.

Karl: "Pardon me, sir. I’m your daughter’s lawyer. Just so you know, we’ve been waiting for hearing for weeks."
Henry: "Son, I’ve been an attorney for forty-five years. You and I both know how these cases can turn into public spectacles. Our family is perfectly capable of handling this in house."
Bree: "Dad. You don’t understand. This has gotten really ugly."
Henry: "That’s why we’re here. We’re gonna put this family back together."
Eleanor: "Whatever it takes."

Courtroom 103

Mr. Beale is facing the Judge. Gabrielle, holding the baby and Carlos are sitting behind Mr. Beale’s table.

Mr. Beale: "And that’s when Mr. and Mrs. Solis, fearing for the welfare of this helpless child, fled the hospital."
Judge Grimshaw: "You mean they kidnapped her?"
Mr. Beale: "Well, technically that’s true, but given the situation that led up to the rescue..."
Judge Grimshaw: "Kidnapping."
Mr. Beale: "Your honor. Yes. In retrospect, the plan was a little bit rash, not entirely well thought out."
Judge Grimshaw: "Idiotic."
Gabrielle (whispering to Carlos): "Can we object to that?"
Carlos: "Shh!"
Mr. Beale: "But the child is safe, your honor. And all we ask the court is to allow baby Lily a lifetime of the care and love she has been receiving from the Solis’."
Judge Grimshaw: "As much as your story tugs at my heart, there is the issue of parental rights. What does the state have to say about this?"
State Attorney: "We have located the biological father, Mr. Dale Helm. Unfortunately, uh, circumstances require that he be out of town. He’s in Fort Lauderdale today."
Judge Grimshaw: "On business?"
State Attorney: "Spring break actually. Mr. Helm is a high school student."
Judge Grimshaw: "Charming. In between keg stands, did the father happen to mention if he plans to waive parental rights?"
State Attorney: "I’ve left a number of voice mails, but the only response I’ve gotten is a text message that says" (she reads from her cell phone) "this blows his mind and he’s extremely bummed out."
Judge Grimshaw: "All right. Mr. and Mrs. Solis. Since you actually want Lily, it’s seems you're the lesser of two evils. I’m granting you temporary custody until we can get a straight answer from the birth father."
Carlos: "Thank you, Your Honor."
Judge Grimshaw: "In the meantime, try not to steal any more babies."
Gabrielle: "Oh, we just needed the one."

Lynette's House

Parker is sitting at the coffee table, coloring.

Lynette: "Sweetie. Um, could you put the crayons down for a csecond? We need to talk. So I spoke to your teacher today and she told me about the cookie deal you made with Cindy Lou."
Parker: "Oh. Are you mad?"
Lynette: "No, no exactly. I’m just trying to understand why you did that."
Parker: "Tommy Keenan told me babies come from down there. It doesn’t sound right to me."
Lynette: "Well, actually he’s kinda right. He’s got the concept down."
Parker: "That’s weird. How’s a baby get in there?"
Lynette: "Daddy will be home from his business trip in a few days. Why don’t you wait for him?"
Parker: "Okay."
Lynette: "Okay."
Parker: "Or I can ask Tommy’s brother. He’s fourteen. He knows everything."

Later, Lynette draws pictures for Parker.

Lynette: "And then the mommy and daddy, because they love each other so much, they hug real tight and a seed is magically planted. And nine months later, a baby is born."
Parker: "What kind of seed?"
Lynette: "Oh, that’s not important."
Parker: "I don’t believe you."
Lynette: "Parker, I’m your mother. Mother’s don’t lie to their sons. Now go wash your hands or Santa’s not gonna bring you anything for Christmas."

Parker rushes away.

Edie's House

Susan is knocking hard. Karl, in a towel, opens the door.

Susan: "I just saw Edie drive off. How long is she going to be gone?"
Karl: "I don’t know, she just went to show a house."
Susan: "Move."

Susan pushes her way inside.

Karl: "What’s the problem?"
Susan: "You mauled me in Edie’s bed last night. I think that deserves a conversation."
Karl: "What’s there to talk about? I’m just a fool in love."
Susan: "Oh no, you don’t mean that."
Karl: "Yes, I do. Look I realize my timing’s a little off."
Susan: "A little? The helium hasn’t even gone out of the balloons from your engagement party. Okay, when are you gonna tell Edie?"
Karl: "Tell her what?"
Susan: "That the wedding’s off."
Karl: "Is it?"
Susan: "Well, isn’t it?"
Karl: "It’s up to you."
Susan: "Are you, are you saying that you’re gonna go through with this wedding unless I tell you not to?"
Karl: "Just give me a commitment, Susie Q and I’ll put a bullet in Edie."
Susan: "This is insane!"
Karl: "Come on. All this could be yours again. Just say the word."

He begins to loosen the towel from around his waist.

Karl: "And I let go."
Susan: "Oh no, no, don’t you dare!"
Karl: "You know you want me to. Just say it, Susie Q."
Susan: "You’re sick!"

Susan leaves as Karl chuckles.

Paul's House

Paul comes out the front door.

Paul: "Zach, I’m going to the drug store. I’ll be back in twenty minutes."

Paul walks out, slips on the porch, and falls on his back. He sits up slowly, holding his head. He looks down and finds his hand is in some slippery substance.

Felicia, from next door, yells across the lawn to Paul while holding a bowl with cookie dough.

Felicia: "Paul? I was making cookies and I heard the most sickening thud. Are you okay?"
Paul: "There’s shortening on my doorstep."
Felicia: "Shortening? That’s the last thing you’d want on your front porch. It’s meant for baking."

She walks away, smiling.

Gabrielle's House

Susan, Bree, Lynette, and Gabrielle are standing over baby Lily’s bassinet in the living room. Carlos is sitting at the table eating lunch.

Bree: "She’s so adorable and I just love the name Lily."
Gabrielle: "It was my grandmother’s name."
Susan: "So how you holding up? You must be exhausted."
Gabrielle: "You know, I’m a little tired, but it’s not too bad."
Lynette: "Oh wait a couple months, she’ll start sleeping through the night."
Gabrielle: "No, honey, please, do I look like a masochist? First thing tomorrow, I’m hiring a nanny and a night nurse."
Carlos: "No, we’re not."
Gabrielle: "My husband the comedian."
Carlos: "I’m serious. I don’t want some stranger raising our baby."
Susan: "Well, you guys are busy, we should go."
Gabrielle: "No, it’s okay. I’ll win this battle later."
Carlos: "We are not going to be some yuppie couple pawning off our kid on other people. End of discussion."
Gabrielle: "Yeah, you should go."
Bree: "Okay, bye."
Lynette: "Good luck."

The ladies leave.

Gabrielle: "Put down the burrito. What is all this crap about me not getting help?"
Carlos: "Look, a brand new baby needs to bond with its mother. The church knows it, science knows it, nature knows it."
Gabrielle: "We have the money, what is wrong with getting a little help? Then I’ll be able to relax once in a while and I’ll be able to be a better mother."
Carlos: "You wanna be a better mother? Do what my mama did, make sacrifices. My mama worked her fingers to the bone for me."
Gabrielle: "That’s what put her in an early grave. Well, that and the hit and run thing."

Bree's House

Bree, Henry, Eleanor, and Andrew are sitting around the dining room table.

Henry (to Andrew): "Look, I don’t know why you want to be emancipated." (to Bree) "And I don’t know what you’ve been doing to drive him crazy. Bottom line, it’s over. It’s now time for you two to kiss and make up."
Andrew: "And just how are we supposed to do that?"
Henry: "Here’s a thought. Just look each other in the eye and say, "I forgive you.""
Bree: "That’s your solution?"
Henry: "It’s actually a technique invented by this Dutch therapist. I saw him on TV. He says if you verbalize forgiveness, the brain can trick the heart into letting go of resentment."
Eleanor: "It really works. I did it with our cleaning lady."
Bree: "Um, I’m sorry, Dad, but I think my relationship with Andrew is just a bit more complicated than..."
Henry: "Would it kill you to at least try?"
Andrew: "I’ll do it for you, Grandpa."
Henry: "That’s my boy. Bree?"
Bree: "Fine. Yes, um, so, um, who goes first?"
Henry: "Either, or. It doesn’t matter."
Andrew: "Mom, I forgive you."
Bree: "Andrew, I forgive you."
Henry: "That wasn’t so hard, was it? Now, don’t expect to feel differently right away. It takes a while."
Eleanor: "It took me a week to forgive Esperanza."
Henry: "Now she’s like family again."
Eleanor: "Family who stole from us."
Henry: "So let’s get back to the way we were and forget all this nonsense about emancipation."
Andrew: "Um, well, Grandpa, I’m, I’m still gonna need my trust fund. You see, I can’t live in a place where I don’t feel safe."
Henry: "What are you talking about?"
Andrew: "Well, could you live with a woman who hits you?"
Eleanor: "Bree!"
Bree: "I slapped him once and he deserved it."
Andrew: "I just asked her to stop drinking."
Henry: "You were drinking?"
Eleanor: "She’s in A.A. Her sponsor has long hair."
Bree: "Andrew, I find your concern ironic given how tanked you were when you ran over our neighbor’s mother with your car!"
Eleanor: "Is she okay?"
Bree: "She’s dead!"
Andrew: "Well, mom watched as her boyfriend committed suicide. And he was the same guy who killed dad!"
Bree: "Andrew falsely accused me of molestation. In a mall!"

Henry and Eleanor look stunned.

Henry: "You know, the technique works best if you don’t talk right away."

Susan's House

Susan comes down the stairs into the kitchen, where Julie is reading the card from a vase of roses on the table.

Susan: "Okay, let’s go. I don’t want to be late for the movie. Oh those are pretty. Who sent those?"

Julie looks disgusted.

Susan: "What?"
Julie (reading the card): "'Say the word and I’m yours, Love Karl.' Mom, I knew this would happen when you started hanging around together. All of your old feelings resurfacing."
Susan: "No, his feelings. He’s the one with the feelings, not me."
Julie: "Uh huh."
Susan: "Okay, Don’t you ‘uh huh’ me. You’re not old enough to do that."
Julie: "Oh no? Well how do you like this? I’m not going to the movie with you."
Susan: "You’re going to make me go by myself?"
Julie: "Well, you could always ask Dad to go. In fact, if you love him so much, why don’t you marry him? Oh wait! You already did. Twice!"

Movie Theater

Susan is sitting by herself eating popcorn. She turns to her side to turn off her cell phone and sees Mike come in with a pretty lady. She ducks as Mike and the lady come down the aisle. They sit down a few rows in front of Susan.

Young Lady: "You know, I think we’re going to need some napkins with this."
Mike: "Oh, okay, I’ll go back."
Young Lady: "Thanks."

As Mike gets up, Susan scoots over a few seats next to a nice looking man sitting alone.

Susan: "My ex-boyfriend's here. If he sees me alone, I’ll die, I'm begging you, please, act like you know me."
Mike: "Susan? Hey."
Susan: "Mike, hi! What a surprise."
Mike: "How are you?"
Susan: "Good. Oh, god, I’m being so rude, um, Mike I want you to meet..."
Orson: "Orson Hodge. Nice to meet you Mike. Wow, can’t believe I’m finally seeing the man himself, in the flesh."
Mike: "So, how’d you two meet?"
Orson: "Oh, I’ve been her dentist for years. Last week, I was looking in her mouth and decided to stick my tongue in it."

Susan laughs.

Mike: "I’ll see you, Susan."

Mike walks away.

Susan: "Thank you so much for helping me out."
Orson: "Hey, I’m great in a crisis."
Susan: "Well, I definitely picked the right person to sit next to. Actually, is this seat taken?"
Orson: "No."
Susan: "Okay. You can share my popcorn."

A young lady with popcorn sits down next to Orson.

Orson: "Um, Susan, this is Becky. I’ll probably be sharing her popcorn."
Susan: "I’ll just wait till the lights go out, and then I'll go."

Outside Paul's House - Daytime

Paul is squirting starter fluid into the barbeque.

Paul: "While I get this going, can you bring out the buns?"

Paul lights the grill. A large flame shoots out almost hitting him.

Paul: "What the hell?"
Zack: "You all right?"

Paul smells the can.

Paul: "This isn't lighter fluid. It's gasoline."
Zack: "What? How'd that get in there?"
Paul: "How do you think?"

They look next door where Felicia is raking her leaves.

Felicia: "Something smells good over there."
Zack: "Well,I don't understand. Is she trying to kill you?"
Paul: "No, she's trying to piss me off."
Zack: "Why?"
Paul: "I'm not sure yet, but I do know I'm not gonna play along." (To Felicia) "We've got plenty of burgers if you want to pop over. And bring your appetite."

Felicia smiles, then continues raking.

Gabrielle's House - Nighttime

Carlos and Gabrielle are sleeping. The baby begins crying.

Carlos: "Gaby, the baby."
Gabrielle: "No, I got up twice already, it's your turn."
Carlos: "Gaby, I have several job interviews tomorrow. I need my sleep."
Gabrielle: "What about my sleep?"
Carlos: "You sleep when the baby sleeps."
Gabrielle: "Every forty minutes? When am I supposed to have a life?"
Carlos: "What are you whining about? You know, Xiao-Mei does all the housework around here. All you have to do is take care of the baby."
Gabrielle: "Fine, fine, fine!"

Gabrielle goes into Xiao-Mei's room, carrying the crying baby, and wakes up Xiao-Mei.

Gabrielle: "Psst, Xiao-Mei. Psst. Wake up."
Xiao-Mei: "Mrs. Solis? Something wrong?"
Gabrielle: "The baby won't stop crying and I haven't slept for two days. Will you please take Lily for a while? "
Xiao-Mei: "Oh."
Gabrielle: "Oh, come on. I won't make you do windows tomorrow."

Xiao-Mei gets out of bed.

Xiao-Mei: "Okay. What do I do?"
Gabrielle: "Well, she's a baby. You hold her. You bounce her and, I don't know, maybe sing a little something."

Gabrielle lies down on Xiao-Mei's bed.

Gabrielle: "Ah! Oh and Xiao-Mei, Mr. Solis does not need to know about this, okay?"
Xiao-Mei: "Okay."
Gabrielle: "Okay."

Xiao-Mei begins singing to Lily.

Gabrielle: "Yeah, honey, can you take that downstairs? Thank you."

Bree's House - Nighttime

Bree comes downstairs to the living room to find Eleanor combing out her wig.

Bree: "Eleanor, I thought you'd gone to bed."
Eleanor: "Oh, no, not yet. I had to do my hair now. There's never enough time in the morning. Uh, sit. There's something I have to discuss with you. Your father and I have decided to take Andrew back to Rhode Island with us."
Bree: "Really? And whose idea was that?"
Eleanor: "Andrew's. But Henry and I feel it's the right thing to do."
Bree: "Absolutely not."
Eleanor: "If we leave him here, the two of you will wind up in court and I'm not going to allow that."
Bree: "Do you really think that I am enjoying airing my dirty laundry in public? This whole situation is mortifying. But I can't back down because he is my son and I need more time to get through to him."
Eleanor: "You never give up. I've always admired that about you. When you were a kid, you used to make these peanut butter cookies that were god-awful. But you kept baking them and you kept forcing everyone to eat them. You were so determined to get them right."
Bree: "My mother didn't think they were awful. When I made those same cookies for her, she loved them."
Eleanor: "Well, some people praise children even when they don't deserve it."
Bree: "Oh, but not you. With you, I had to work for every kind word I ever got."
Eleanor: "Well, you always resented me because of my high standards."
Bree: "No. I resented you because those were kick ass peanut butter cookies."
Eleanor: "We're taking Andrew."
Bree: "Eleanor, please..."
Eleanor: "He hates you, Bree. Your own son. You know, part of being an adult is admitting that you've failed, and then moving on with grace."
Bree: "Do you really think that I am a failure as a parent?"
Eleanor: "Well, I'd love to lie and say something supportive, but as you pointed out, that was more your mother's thing."

Gabrielle's House - Daytime

Xiao-Mei is fast asleep on the dining room table when Gabrielle walks in.

Gabrielle: "Xiao-Mei?"
Xiao-Mei: "So sorry. I just take a break."
Gabrielle: "Oh no, Xiao-Mei, that's okay. That's okay. I know you were up all night with the baby and I really appreciate it. You know, I'm very grateful for everything you've been doing for Lily. So to thank you, I bought you a gift certificate to my spa. And you can take a whole day off and just really pamper yourself."
Xiao-Mei: "Really?"
Gabrielle: "Mm-hmm."
Xiao-Mei: "Thank you! Oh, thank you!"
Gabrielle: "Oh, you're welcome. All right, Lily needs to be bathed and put to bed. I don't wanna miss my yoga class."

She walks over to the bassinet and picks up Lily.

Gabrielle: "Hi. Hi, pretty girl. Oh, yes, mommy has to go. Mommy has to go, so she can stay pretty and thin and you can be proud of her."

She hands the baby to Xiao-Mei.

Gabrielle: "Motherhood is such a blessing. I hope you get to experience it one day."

Gabrielle walks out.

Bree's House - Daytime

Bree hears yelling outside. She looks out the window.

Andrew: "Because it's not a big deal!"
Justin: "It's not a big deal?"
Andrew: "Okay! It's not that far away."
Justin: "Right. Oh, it's not that far away? Dude, it--whatever, okay? You didn't even care to tell me before?"
Andrew: "Bye."

Andrew drives away. Bree goes outside.

Bree: "Justin, what happened?"
Justin: "Andrew just told me he's moving in with his grandparents. They live so far away, I'm never gonna see him anymore."
Bree: "I'm so sorry. I know that you're good friends."
Justin: "We're more than friends, Mrs. Van de Kamp. I love him."
Bree: "Oh. Why?"
Justin: "Why?"
Bree: "Yes. I'd be curious to know just what it is you see in him."
Justin: "Well, when my parents first heard I was gay, they kicked me out. They said I had debased the entire family and that they couldn't love me anymore until I changed. But Andrew, he said that I should be ashamed of them, 'cause they were too stupid to know how great I was. That's the thing about Andrew. He doesn't take crap from anyone. How can you not love someone like that?"
Bree: "You know, it never ceases to amaze me how people can turn their backs on their own family. But it happens every day, doesn't it?"
Justin: "I guess."
Bree: "You know, Justin, if you would be willing to help, I'm pretty sure that I could find a way to keep Andrew from moving. What do you say?"

Lynette's House

Mrs. McCluskey is sitting on the couch, eating a fudgesicle and reading the newspaper.

Lynette: "I'm home."
Mrs. McCluskey: "Oh, hi."
Bree: "Hey, Mrs. McCluskey. So, how did everything go?"
Mrs. McCluskey: "Fine. Penny fussed a bit. I think her molars are coming in."
Bree: "Oh."
Mrs. McCluskey: "And the twins fought over the remote. There's nothing new there."
Bree: "No. "
Mrs. McCluskey: "Here's the big news. Parker offered me a fudgesicle if I would show him my vagina."

Lynette looks at Mrs. McCluskey eating her fudgesicle.

Mrs. McCluskey: "Oh, good god, Lynette, relax. I didn't do it. I just got this out of the freezer a second ago."
Lynette: "Uh, yeah. Of course, no, sorry."
Mrs. McCluskey: "Apparently, Parker wanted to put a sunflower seed inside me and see if a baby would grow. Where do kids get this stuff?"
Lynette: "Oh, that was me. He was asking about the birds and the bees and I fudged a few of the details. Well, he's only seven years old. I don't think he needs to know everything yet. I don't wanna rob him of his innocence."
Mrs. McCluskey: "Well, now, that's where you're wrong. You get 'em when they're young. Give 'em all the gory details. And then when they're good and disgusted, you shame 'em."
Lynette: "Excuse me?"
Mrs. McCluskey: "You tell them sex is dirty and wrong and he shouldn't talk about it and if he does, he's going straight to hell."
Lynette: "That is ridiculous."
Mrs. McCluskey: "Spoken like a true liberal idiot."
Lynette: "No, I'm not gonna shame my son."
Mrs. McCluskey: "Mm, I'm telling ya, it works. It keeps people in their place, it keeps parents from being humiliated, and it keeps me from having to spend the afternoon talking about my woo-woo."

Susan's House - Daytime

The doorbell rings. When Susan opens the door, Orson is at the front door with Susan’s wallet.

Orson: "In your haste to duck out before the credits rolled, you..."
Susan: "Oh, my god! Oh, thank you so much."
Orson: "I stuck a card in there, just in case you ever wanted to purposely sit next to me at a movie."
Susan: "Orson, I'm flattered. Uh, really, you, you don't wanna date me. I-I mean, my love life is just so complicated right now. Well, no, I won't bore you with the details."

Later, Orson and Susan are having coffee at her kitchen table.

Orson: "So the ex-boyfriend has no idea you're secretly married to the ex-husband, who still loves you, but unless you give him a reason not to, is gonna marry the neighborhood slut?"
Susan: "Did I call Edie a slut? Well, that's overstating it. Edie's not a slut. She's just popular with indiscriminate men. Anyway, yes, those are the relevant players."
Orson: "Okay."
Susan: "Now I'm absolutely horrified that I'm about to say what I'm about to say, but there's nobody else I can talk to who won't judge me. And since you're a complete stranger, I'll probably never see you again unless I randomly run into you on the street, in which case, you'll ignore me 'cause you know how crazy I am. So here goes, I'm having feelings for Karl again. Does that make me a terrible person?"
Orson: "You want my unvarnished opinion?"
Susan: "Lay it on me."
Orson: "It doesn't make you a terrible person, but it does make you a, well, a sucker. This Karl's a coward. He wants you to be the heavy and take all the responsibility. If you're having feelings for a guy like that, I say run far, far away."
Susan: "He lives three houses down."
Orson: "Hmm. Well, good luck to you, then. But like I said, if you're interested in a tooth whitening, my card's still in your wallet."

Gabrielle's House - Daytime

Gabrielle is leaving the house.

Gabrielle: "Xiao-Mei? Xiao-Mei? I'm late to meet Mrs. Van de Kamp. I'll be back in a little while."

Restaurant

Gabrielle: "Bree, I'm so sorry I'm late."
Bree: "Oh, honey, it's all right. I mean, with the new baby at home, I'm surprised you made it at all."
Gabrielle: "Ooh, I'll have a drink. Anything with an umbrella."
Bree: "So tell me, how are you doing? I mean, your entire world must be turned upside down. You must be exhausted."
Gabrielle: "You know, it's been challenging but I, I soldier on. So what about you? You look so rested."
Bree: "I just got a massage at Misty Spring. Things have been a little tense at home and I needed an hour to relax."
Gabrielle: "Good for you. I love that spa."
Bree: "Um, oh, by the way, while I was there, I saw your, uh, your housekeeper."
Gabrielle: "Xiao-Mei? Oh, no, you must be mistaken. I just left her. She's at home, working."
Bree: "Are you sure? I was talking to her in the steam room for about twenty minutes."
Gabrielle: "What?"
Bree: "Yeah, apparently you gave her a gift certificate."

Wisteria Lane - Daytime

Gabrielle’s car comes screeching around the corner into her driveway. Gabrielle runs into her house and runs upstairs.

Gabrielle: "Lily? Lily, mommy's coming!"

She finds Lily sleeping in her bassinet. She picks her up.

Gabrielle: "Oh, thank god! Oh, honey, I'm so sorry. I'm never gonna leave you again. Oh! Yes. Yes."

Later, Carlos walks in the front door.

Carlos: "I'm home! My interview got canceled."

Carlos enters the bedroom to find Gabrielle doing yoga with Lily strapped to her chest.

Gabrielle: "Oh, that's my little girl. Your chakra lining up nice for mommy? That's my girl."
Carlos: "Hey, let me take her off your chest so you can do your yoga."
Gabrielle: "No! No, no, no. We're doing just fine. Aren't we, Lily?"

Carlos smiles and walks away. Gabrielle hugs Lily lovingly, smiling at her while she continues her yoga.

Banquet Room

A band is playing in an empty banquet room which has a 'Happy Bar Mitzvah, Neil' sign hanging from the ceiling. Karl is listening to the band and Susan rushes in.

Karl: "Bridezilla's got me auditioning wedding bands and I'm clueless about Edie's taste in music. What do you think of these guys?"
Susan: "That's why you brought me down here? Karl, you made it sound like it was an emergency."
Karl: "It is! I need to have somebody to dance with so I can see if these guys have the power to help me get my groove on."

He dances around Susan.

Susan: "Karl..."
Karl: "Oh, that's right. You like it laid-back and romantic, don't you?" (to the band) "Guys, can we play something mellow?"
Susan: "No, don't bother, 'cause I'm going."

The band begins playing/singing "You are so Beautiful."

Susan: "That was not a coincidence."
Karl: "This was playing the night we first kissed. It's our song. Remember?"
Susan: "I remember. I also remember that you are planning on marrying someone else."
Karl: "Not if you don' t want me to. Come on, Susie Q. I can see you still have feelings for me and I know I have never stopped loving you."
Susan: " Okay, you want the truth? I don't know how I feel about you, but I keep looking at you, trying to see if you've changed, if you've grown up. You know what I see? I see the same weak coward that walked out on me three years ago."
Karl: "Of course I've changed."
Susan: "I don't think so. So I think you should probably stay with Edie. And the band is good, you should hire 'em."

Susan walks out.

Paul's House - Daytime

Paul wakes up to the sound of machines outside his window. All of a sudden red and blue curtains fall over his window outside. Paul and Zach walk down the darkened stairs to see the coverings on all the windows. Paul goes out the front door to find his house being tented.

Paul: "What the hell? For god's sakes."
Worker #1: "What the hell are you doing in there?"
Paul: "This is my house. What are you doing?"
Worker: #2 "We're tenting for termites. We've got a work order."
Paul: "Signed by who?"

Felicia comes over from next door.

Felicia: "Paul, I've never been so embarrassed in my whole life. They're supposed to be tenting my house. I must've written the address down wrong. Muchachos, mi casa esta aqui."
Paul: "You've taken it too far this time. These little mind games are gonna stop right now!"
Felicia (whispering): "And if they don't, whatcha gonna do? Blow out your brains like your wife did?"

Paul grabs Felicia around the neck and begins to strangle her. Some of the workers grab Paul off of Felicia.

Worker #2: "Hey, hey!"
Worker #1: "Hey, you okay?"
Felicia: "Did you hear that? He assaulted me for an honest mistake. God knows what would've happened if you hadn't been here."

Neighbors are watching from the street.

Paul: "Let go!"
Zach: "Dad, dad, dad. Come on. Come on. Come on, okay?"

Lynette's House

Lynette: "I talked to Mrs. McCluskey and for god's sakes, Parker, you can't ask people things like that."
Parker: "Why?"
Lynette: "Because it's rude."
Parker: "I said please."
Lynette: "Well, that doesn't matter! You gotta quit talking to people about their bodies and about where, you know, babies come from."
Parker: "Why?"
Lynette: "Because it's not an appropriate subject."
Parker: "Why?"
Lynette: "Because it's not."
Parker: "Why?"
Lynette: "-Ugh! Because it's dirty and wrong and I'll wash your mouth out with soap! That's why."

Lynette looks at the expression on Parker’s face.

"In that moment, Lynette saw a look on her son's face she had never seen before..."

Flashback

Parker runs in the front door smiling carrying a remote control dinosaur.

"And she thought of the look he had on his face when he had become obsessed with dinosaurs..."

Flashback

Parker, smiling, comes running in with a bat and glove.

"...obsessed with baseball..."

Flashback

Parker, smiling, comes running in with a model train.

"...and obsessed with trains."

Present Day

Parker walks in the front door smiling, carrying a puppy.

"And it occurred to Lynette she didn't need to shame her son. All he needed was a brand-new obsession."

Preston: "But I thought you said we couldn't have a puppy."
Lynette: "Well, it turns out we really needed one. You can go and play."

"And though she didn't know it at the time, it would be another three years before Parker Scavo would ever ask about sex again."

Susan's House

Susan: "Karl. What's going on?"
Karl: "Uh, I'm on my way to a motel. I, I just wanted to let you know that the wedding is off."
Susan: "It is?"
Karl: "I told Edie I wasn't in love with her. At least, not in the way that she deserves."
Susan: "Wow. Why did you change your mind? I mean, I hope it wasn't because of me, because I told you—"
Karl: "It wasn't for you."
Susan: "No?"
Karl: "You were right. I have been a coward. I was a coward three years ago when I walked out on the two most important people in my life. And I was being a coward with Edie. I mean, to even consider marrying her when I know what real passion and real love feels like. Anyway, I just thought I'd let you know."
Susan: "Karl, you look pretty beat up. Why don't you, why don't you come in and we'll crack open a bottle of wine. Come on."

Bree's House

Eleanor and Henry are packing boxes in the living room. Bree enters, carrying an open box, and places it in front of Henry.

Bree: "All right, here we go. This is the last of Andrew's things. Once we tape up these boxes, we can start loading the car."
Eleanor: "I'm proud of you, Bree. You're being awfully big about this."
Bree: "Well, I have to admit, I was a bit upset at first. But then it hit me. You're his grandparents. You should bond, get to know the real Andrew."

She turns and sees Henry holding a video from the box Bree put in front of him.

Bree: "Oh, dad, I, I forgot to warn you. These are some of Andrew's adult videos. I don't approve, but boys will be boys."
Eleanor: "Oh, Henry, stop looking at that filth."
Henry: "I don't get it. Where are the women?"
Eleanor: "What are you talking about?"
Henry: "This is all just a bunch of naked men."
Eleanor: "Sweet mother of god. What the hell are they doing?"
Henry: "I don't know and I don't even know what I'm looking at."
Eleanor: "Henry, this is pornography for homosexuals."
Bree: "Oh, shoot! I wish you hadn't gone through that. Now we have to have an unpleasant conversation and we were having such a nice time."
Henry: "Bree, is, is Andrew gay?"
Bree: "Oh, dad, Andrew hates labels. I'm sure it's just a phase."
Eleanor: "Excuse me, but he has a magazine titled ‘Leather Daddies in Love.’ That does not sound like a phase to me."
Bree: "Maybe not, but it's no longer my concern now that he'll be living with you."
Eleanor: "We have to have a serious talk."
Henry: "Let's don't freak out about this. The Dutch therapist says—"
Eleanor: "Forget the Dutch therapist! In the kitchen! Now!"

Henry and Eleanor leave the room. Bree smiles.

Later, Bree is in the kitchen when Andrew walks in.

Andrew: "Hey, where's grandma and grandpa? I need to start loading up my stuff."
Bree: "Oh, they, uh, they already left."
Andrew: "Wait, they left? Without me?"
Bree: "Ah, yeah, they wrote you a letter. It seems they came across some personal items of yours that, um, upset them."

Andrew begins to read the letter.

Andrew: "They're taking away my trust fund? They can't do that!"
Bree: "Well, actually they can. I mean, it's their money to dispense with as they see fit. I know it doesn't seem fair, but—"
Andrew: "No, it's really unfair. In fact, it sucks. What, what am I supposed to do now?"
Bree: "Well, now that you can't afford to become emancipated, I guess you're gonna have to stay here with me. Andrew, we can make this work. We just have to let go of our anger."
Andrew: "No."
Bree: "Oh, I, um, had a chance to have a nice chat with Justin the other day. He really seems very sweet. I've invited him over for dinner tonight. I hope you don't mind."

Susan's House - Daytime

Karl and Susan are in bed together.

Susan: "Now I wish I hadn't torched our wedding photos. Who would've thought after everything that's happened that we would've ended up back here again?"
Karl: "It's been one hell of a ride, huh?"
Susan: "Yeah."
Karl: "So, how do you feel now?"
Susan: "About us? I feel good. I feel happy."
Karl: "You're not having second thoughts?"
Susan: "I can't believe you actually want to talk about feelings. You really have changed."
Karl: "Hey, this is the new Karl, baby. He's not afraid to cry."

The phone rings. Susan answers.

Susan: "Hello? Oh, hi, Edie. Uh, yeah, he's here. Hold on." (covering the mouthpiece) "How does she know you're here?"
Karl: "I don't know." (into the phone) "Hi. Yeah, I just came by to help Julie with her civics homework. Uh-huh. Okay, I'll take care of it. What kind of juice do you want? Right. Bye, bye."
Susan: "Are you getting juice for her?"
Karl: "Yeah, just one carton."
Susan: "Okay, you ripped the woman's heart out. Why would she want juice from you?"
Karl: "Okay, now don't freak out, but this breakup is sort of a work in progress."
Susan: "She doesn't know?"

Susan grabs the comforter, covers herself and gets out of bed.

Karl: "Calm down. I can explain."
Susan: "So if Edie doesn't know, then that means that you just cheated on her with me! You made me the other woman!"
Karl: "Please don't be angry. I tried to break up with her, but because I wasn't sure you wanted me back, the words just wouldn't come out of my mouth. Now that I know that you want me and love me again, it's a done deal."

A few minutes later, Julie is sitting at the kitchen tablem eating. Clothes comes flying down the stairs.

Susan: "Get out of my house, you miserable son of a bitch!"
Karl: "Can't we talk about this?"
Susan: "No, just get out! Get out!"

Susan in a robe and Karl in his boxer shorts come downstairs.

Karl: "Susie, Susie!"
Susan: "Our marriage was garbage! Stupid, disgusting pile of garbage!"
Karl: "No, no, don't say that."
Susan: "And I regret everything that came of it!"
Karl: "Don't do this right now."
Susan: "Ugh!" (to Julie) "Except you, honey. You're my rock." (to Karl) "Ooh, out! Get out!"
Karl: "I promise you I'm gonna break up with Edie and make this right. I'll call you when it's done."
Susan: "Don't bother! I won't pick up."

Susan slams the door in Karl’s face. Julie shakes her head. Karl stands on the porch.

"We've all done something in our lives we're ashamed of. Some of us have fallen for the wrong man."

Movie Theater

Mike and his young lady are watching the movie. Mike is staring off in deep concentration.

"Some have let go of the right woman."

Lynette's House

Parker is on the floor playing with the puppy.

"There are those who have humiliated their parents..."

Gabrielle's House

Gabrielle stands over the bassinet watching Lily sleep.

"...and those who have failed their children."

Bree's House

Bree comes out of the kitchen carrying a freshly baked pie to Justin and Andrew playing cards at the table.

"Yes, we've all made mistakes that diminish us and those we love."

Bree places the pie on the table and begins cutting it. She smiles as she watches Andrew and Justin having fun together.

"But there is redemption if we try to learn from those mistakes and grow."

~ The End ~

This transcript was compiled and completed on May 2, 2006 by Amanda (desperate_housewives at yahoo dot com) and Lucy.
Last Update: May 2, 2006

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