Mary Alice: "On her first day of sobriety, Bree Van de Kamp found an old cork, which reminded her just how much she craved Chablis. So she called her sponsor, who came over with a DVD which they watched till her craving had passed. Five days later after she developed a thirst for merlot, Peter arrived with a deck of cards. The next week, he brought over Chinese takeout because Bree had told him she was consumed by thoughts of vintage chardonnay. By her the day of sobriety, Bree had stopped thinking about alcohol altogether because her thoughts were now centered elsewhere. Though she didn't know it, Bree had answered her own question. The easiest way to overcome one addiction is to replace it with another."

---

Peter: "Sex is as much an addiction for me as booze. That's why when you turn me on like that it's a bit of a problem."
Bree: "It was just a peck on the cheek."
Peter: "It doesn't matter. The slightest touch gets my juices flowing."
Bree: "So how long has it been since you—"
Peter: "A year. They have this rule: plant, pet, person. If I can keep a plant alive, you know, then I can move on to a pet. And if I can make that work, then I can start dating again."
Bree: "So, how are you doing?"
Peter: "I'm on my fourth ficus."
Bree: "Oh."

---

Carlos: "I sure hope Libby likes this camera."
Gabrielle: "Well, why wouldn't she? It's exactly what she asked for, the most expensive one in the store. You know, I'm telling you, Carlos. I'm getting really tired of kissing her ass."
Carlos: "The woman is giving us her baby. We'll kiss whatever needs kissing."
Libby: "What the hell are you guys doing here?"
Carlos: "Ah, we brought you this gift and you said that you didn't want us coming by your house..."
Libby: "Thanks, but I'm working, so you gotta go."
Gabrielle: "Look, we spent a lot of money on that. The least you can do is open it so we can bask in your happy expression."

---

Mr. Beale: "You paid Libby?"
Gabrielle: "You said we could give her gifts. Everybody loves getting cash."

---

Susan: "Wait a second, we're, we're not flirting."
Julie: "Mom, you fed him eggs with your fork."
Susan: "Okay, yes, I am closer to your father than I have been in the past. The bitter hatred's now settled into a respectful disgust. That's the kind of thing most children of divorce dream about."

---

Susan: "I was married to Karl, and I used to try to surprise him, and he would always, always, always say 'No, Susan. Don't surprise me. I don't like it.'"
Edie: "Whatever. I'm doing it, so keep your trap shut. Now if you'll excuse me, I've gotta go and buy a wedding dress. Oh, and by the way, I'll be wearing white, so that'll be a surprise for everybody."

---

Carlos: "He's not going to sell his baby for eight thousand dollars."
Gabrielle: "Are we talking about the same idiot? I think for eight thousand dollars, he’d throw in a kidney."
Carlos: "I'm not gonna blow this by bargain hunting."
Gabrielle: "You know, that's your problem, Carlos. Remember when you bought your car? You paid sticker. Nobody pays sticker!"

---

Donna: "You should also know, I'm not a lesbian."
Bree: "Oh! Well, good for you."
Donna: "Well, see, if I was, the program wouldn't let me be your sponsor. Not great for your recovery if we get tangled up in a little something. So, um, whatever vibe you might be getting, that's all on you."

---

Gabrielle: "We were supposed to have four weeks. She promised me the baby wasn't due for four more weeks. We don't have anything! We don't, we don't have diapers, and we don't have the stuff babies drink."
Lynette: "Formula."
Gabrielle: "Exactly. We're not ready! You know, this is a total inconvenience."
Lynette: "Welcome to parenthood. Come on."

---

Edie: "Serving bowls. Just what I needed, Lynette."
Lynette: "There's a gift receipt taped to the bottom of the box."
Edie: "Oh. thank god!"

---

Lynette: "What is it? Teeth?"
Felicia: "Dentures. They were my dear sister, Martha's. I'm sure none of you knew, but she had orthodontic issues from the time she was a child."
Edie: "Oh. thank you."
Felicia: "I know it's an unconventional gift for an engagement party, but you and Martha were such close friends, Edie. I wanted you to have something truly personal to remember her by since she left us so abruptly. You know, when Paul Young strangled her, crushed her windpipe, and buried her alive next to a garbage-strewn hiking trail."
Edie: "Felicia, uh, I think you've had enough."
Felicia: "I do apologize if I've offended anyone, but while you all are chit-chatting and eating these yummy hors d'oeuvres, just remember you're in the company of a murderer."

---

Gabrielle: "He's gonna light himself on fire with coffee liqueur?"
Carlos: "Would not have been my choice."

---

Mary Alice: "Temptation comes to all of us. Whether or not we succumb depends on our ability to recognize its disguise. Sometimes it arrives in the form of an old flame, flickering back to life. Or a new friend who could end up being so much more. Or a young child who awakens feelings we didn't know we had. And so we give in to temptation, all the while knowing come morning, we'll have to suffer the consequences."