Ultimate Desperate Housewives

Episode 02.17 - "Could I Leave You?"

Mary Alice: "Gabrielle Solis had always been a demanding shopper. And whatever the purchase, she always expected the very best. Whether it was exotic perfume shipped over from Paris, a high fashion gown straight from a runway in Milan, or designer shoes flown in from Manhattan. But on this day, her expectations were going to be put to the test. You see, Gabrielle was now shopping for a baby. And there was a problem with the manufacturer."

Carlos: "Oh, my god. Are you trying to say that you don't want Deanna's baby because she's plain?"
Gabrielle: "No, plain I can handle. Carlos, since that woman has walked into our house, the clocks have stopped working."
Carlos: "No one can predict what a child is gonna look like. For all you know, her kid could end up winning beauty contests."
Gabrielle: "With her D.N.A., the only thing that kid's gonna be winning is best in show.

Dr. Ron: "You, you committed insurance fraud?"
Susan: "Only in the legal sense."

Peter: "I'll tell you what. Here's my card and if you ever do have a problem or you just feel like talking, give me a call, okay?"
Bree: "I know you think I'm kidding myself, but I'm not. I'm nothing like you people. I just don't have a compulsive personality."

Gabrielle: "These can't be our only choices, Mr. Beale. I mean, come on. Each girl is uglier than the next."
Mr. Beale: "Look, finding a gorgeous pregnant woman who's willing to give her baby to a couple with a criminal record isn't exactly a walk in the park."
Gabrielle: "I don't care if it's a walk in the sewer. We are hemorrhaging money into your bank account and I expect to see results."
Mr. Beale: "You know, Mrs. Solis, you can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar."
Gabrielle: "If I wanted to catch flies, all I would have to do is call up one of these girls. Trust me, the flies would follow."

Mr. Beale: "Libby's a pole dancer in a strip club."
Gabrielle: "Oh! Wow, that, that sounds like interesting work."
Libby: "You'd think so, but it gets old quickly. My big dream is to become a choreographer."
Carlos: "Really?"
Libby: "Yeah. I made up this one move. It's called the serpent's tongue, and all the girls at the club are doing it now. It's so cool. If I had a pole I could show you."
Carlos: "Well, we'll have to go down to the club and check that out. We'll make a night of it."

Bree: "Is this Libby's real hair color?"
Gabrielle: "Yes, it's all natural, from her straight teeth to her C cup. And I know she's athletic because she's a pole dancer, so I really hope that my little girl inherits that as well. No, the athletic gene, not the pole dancing gene."

Susan: "I need you to ditch Edie tomorrow night and have dinner with Dr. Ron and me."
Karl: "Now why would I do that?"
Susan: "Well, for starters, because you banged your secretary and you owe me for the rest of your life."
Karl: "I'll bring the wine."

Bree: "Well, I'm still appalled that you're helping my son with this ridiculous emancipation scheme, but you are a guest in my house and guests get sandwiches."
Andrew: "You know, if you'd let me go to his office, you wouldn't have to pretend to be nice to him."
Bree: "Andrew, there may be a judge out there stupid enough to emancipate you, but until you find him, I retain all my parental rights. One of which is to ground your sorry behind until kingdom come. Mr. Bormanis, nice to see you again, and, um, please don't get crumbs on my carpet."

Ed: "You're a woman. It's easier for you to talk to her about milk and boobs and stuff."
Lynette: "No! No, uh, please. Don't make me do it. Why don't you have Jerry tell her?"
Jerry: "I made a pass at her yesterday. It'd be weird."
Ed: "You could do it without offending her. Come on, Lynette. Take one for the team."
Lynette: "Okay, but for the record, the team is made up of wimps."
Ed: "Well, the team's aware of that and accepts your loathing."

Carlos: "That was our lawyer. Libby rejected us as parents."
Gabrielle: "Why?"
Carlos: "Because we're Mexican."
Gabrielle: "What? That's discrimination. It's illegal. We could have her arrested."
Carlos: "It's her baby. She can do whatever the hell she wants to with it. Damn it."
Gabrielle: "No! No, you don't just toss people aside because of the color of their skin."
Carlos: "We tossed those birth mothers aside because of their appearance."
Gabrielle: "Well, that's different."
Carlos: "Why?"
Gabrielle: "Because I've read the constitution and it does not protect ugly people."

Peter: "Your son threatened you with repressed memories? Oh, my god, he is seriously twisted. I gotta meet this kid."
Bree: "You sound like you're impressed."
Peter: "I sorta am. Sounds like you're definitely raising an alpha male."
Bree: "I'm raising a monster is what I'm raising. It's no wonder I drink."

Bree: "Tonight was a very unusual situation. I wish you could've known me when Rex was alive and my kids were young and everything was the way it was supposed to be. I think you really would've liked me so much."
Peter: "I like you just fine."
Bree: "Really? Because I don't."

Veronica: "If that's not bad enough, now I'm gonna get fat again."
Lynette: "Huh?"
Veronica: "Breast-feeding was the only thing that kept the weight off. Every mealtime was like doing thirty minutes of cardio. Now I'm gonna have to join a gym!"
Lynette: "Wow, that is really a bummer."
Veronica: "It is. It really is."

Mary Alice: "At that precise moment, as Dr. Hanson Mills was cutting yet another umbilical cord, other ties were being severed all over town. Like the one between a child and the mother who didn't want him to grow up so quickly, or the one between a case of fine wine and the housewife who hadn't wanted to admit that she had a problem, or the one between a woman and the boyfriend who couldn't forgive her betrayal. The choice to separate from what we love is painful. The only thing worse is when someone we've trusted makes the choice for us."