This was typed by Lucy, Foxhidden, and Amanda, mere humans, and mistakes are possible. If you find any, no matter how trivial, please let me know. (desperate_housewives at yahoo dot com)

In the interest of finishing the transcripts faster, screen caps will no longer be placed on the transcripts. You can find screen caps at the following websites:
Desperate Housewives
Wisteria Lane
The Suburbs

If you know of any other screen caps sites, please e-mail them to me: (desperate_housewives at yahoo dot com)

Guest stars
"Andrew Van de Kamp" - Shawn Pyfrom
"Danielle Van de Kamp" - Joy Lauren
"Matthew Applewhite" - Mehcad Brooks
"Preston Scavo" - Brent Kinsman
"Porter Scavo" - Shane Kinsman
"Parker Scavo" - Zane Huett
"Caleb" - Nashawn Kearse
"Ed Ferraro - Currie Graham
"Dr. Ron McCreadie" - Jay Harrington
"Peter McMillian" - Lee Tergesen
"Justin" - Ryan Carnes
"Libby" - Nichole Hiltz
"Veronica" - Kristin Bauer
"Frank" - Eddie McClintock
"Eugene Beale" - John Kapelos
"Samuel Bormanis" - Bruce Jarchow
"Cecile" - Jennifer Lyons
"Deanna" - Jennie Lee Vaughn Campbell
"Bartender" - Reid Collums
"William" - William Stanford Davis
"Security Guard" - Darryl Alan Reed
"Jerry" - Mitch Silpa
"Donovan" - Jake Zentner/Ryan Zentner
"Delivery Guy" - Chris Damiano

Written by: Scott Sanford Tobis
Directed by: Pam Thomas

Gabrielle's House - Daytime

Gabrielle anxiously looks out her front window and smiles as a car pulls up in front of the house.

"Gabrielle Solis had always been a demanding shopper."

Gabrielle: "Carlos, come on, they're here!"

"And whatever the purchase, she always expected the very best."

Flashback - Gabrielle's Front Porch

Gabrielle opens the door to the delivery man, who hands her a package.

"Whether it was exotic perfume shipped over from Paris..."

Flashback - Gabrielle's Front Porch

A delivery man hands Gabrielle another package.

"...a high fashion gown straight from a runway in Milan..."

Flashback - Gabrielle's Front Porch

A delivery man hands Gabrielle a stack of shoe boxes.

"...or designer shoes flown in from Manhattan."

Present - Gabrielle's House

Gabrielle stands in her foyer, visibly excited.

"But on this day, her expectations were going to be put to the test."

Carlos enters the foyer and kisses Gabrielle.

"You see, Gabrielle was now shopping for a baby."

Gabrielle and Carlos open the front door.

"And there was a problem with the manufacturer."

Gabrielle's Front Porch

Their lawyer, Mr. Beale, is standing with a very unattractive pregnant girl.

Gabrielle's Living Room

Mr. Beale is sitting on the couch with the very unattractive girl.

Deanna: "Mostly, I just want to feel like I'm giving my baby to people who have what it takes to be really great parents."
Carlos: "Well, you won't find another couple with more love for a child. Isn't that right, honey? Honey?"
Gabrielle: "What? Right, lots of love. Honey, can I talk to you for a second?"

Carlos and Gabrielle go out to the front porch.

Gabrielle: "Okay, look, we have to find another mother."
Carlos: "Why?"
Gabrielle: "Okay, this isn't easy to say, so I'm just gonna say it, but have you taken a good look at her?"
Carlos: "Oh, my god. Are you trying to say that you don't want Deanna's baby because she's plain?"
Gabrielle: "No, plain I can handle. Carlos, since that woman has walked into our house, the clocks have stopped working."
Carlos: "No one can predict what a child is gonna look like. For all you know, her kid could end up winning beauty contests."
Gabrielle: "With her D.N.A., the only thing that kid's gonna be winning is best in show. Look, Carlos, I am sorry, but I want a pretty baby, so let's find another mother."
Carlos: " Mm-mm, I'm not gonna let your shallow obsession with looks screw this up. I want a child. Any child."
Gabrielle: "Fine. Just know that in a couple of days, when that thing is born, and you're gonna have to cuddle and snuggle up with something with that face on it, don't come crying to me."

Carlos and Gabrielle go back into the living room.

Carlos: "I'm sorry. Now, where were we?"
Mr. Beale: "We were just talking about the custody arrangement once Deanna gives birth. It's usually best that the mother doesn't see the child at all. So, as soon as the doctors finish giving their initial checkup..."

Carlos watches as Deanna take a chip and dips it into guacamole. She bites into the chip and there is guacamole left on her face. Carlos continues watching her eat the chips, licking off the guacamole and becomes disgusted. Carlos glances sideways at Gabrielle.

Mr. Beale: "...the baby will be handed over to you."

"Yes, Gabrielle had always been a demanding shopper."

Wisteria Lane - Daytime

Gabrielle closes the attorney's passenger on Deanna.

Gabrielle: "Sorry."

"Because she knew there are some purchases that can't be returned."

Opening Credits

Hospital Hallway

Several hospital staff members are wheeling Deane into the delivery room.

"At 6:10 the next morning, Deanna Pruse went into premature labor and gave birth to what would eventually be an incredibly attractive baby boy."

Hospital Delivery Room

A nurse holds the baby as the doctor cuts the umbilical cord.

"Dr. Hanson Mills cut the umbilical cord, forever separating mother and child."

Hospital Hallway

Dr. Ron is walking to Susan's room.

"At that exact same moment, Dr. Ron McCready entered the private room of Susan Mayer with every intention of severing their connection."

Dr. Ron: "Hey there. How's it going?"
Susan: "Great. I'm about to be released."

Susan is in a wheelchair.

Dr. Ron: "Oh, that's terrific. Who's Mike?"
Susan: "I, why do you ask?"

Susan wheels herself away from Dr. Ron and bumps into various pieces of furniture.

Dr. Ron: "I don't know. No reason. Ah, it's just, uh, just before the operation, just before you went under, I said, 'I love you,' and you said, 'I love Mike.'"
Susan: "I did? Oh, is that why you hadn't been in to see me since my surgery?"
Dr. Ron: "Answer the question."
Susan: "I don't even know a Mike."
Dr. Ron: "Everyone knows a Mike."
Susan: "Yes, everyone does know a Mike. Actually, you're right. I did know a Mike in college. We did this play together, Pippin. It wasn't very good. Anyways, I never thought of him, so you shouldn't be accusing me. I was probably just hallucinating."
Dr. Ron: "Fine, fine. So, who's the guy you're married to?"
Susan: "Damn that Nurse Heisel!"
Dr. Ron: "Or should I say, who's the guy you're cheating on?"
Susan: "Okay, yes, I did remarry my ex, but it was only because he has great health insurance. Did Miss Blabbermouth tell you that, too?"
Dr. Ron: "You, you committed insurance fraud?"
Susan: "Only in the legal sense. And I just didn't tell you because I wanted to protect you."
Dr. Ron: "Susan."
Susan: "Okay, you know what? You should come over to dinner and meet Karl, and you can see that there is absolutely nothing between us."
Dr. Ron: "So wait, once you're fully recovered, you're gonna divorce him?"
Susan: "Oh, yeah, that's the plan. I swear."
Dr. Ron: "And you swear that you're not in love with anyone named Mike?"
Susan: "Sure."
Dr. Ron: "Okay. Come here."

He hugs Susan.

Dr. Ron: "I believe you."

Alcohol Anonymous Meeting

Bree is sitting in a circle with other AA members. She is embroidering and not paying attention to what anyone is confessing.

Member #1: "Next morning, I woke up in an alley. My wallet had been stolen. I was lying in a pool of my own vomit. That's when I knew I'd hit rock bottom."

Everyone claps.

Peter: "Okay, who's next? Bree."
Bree: "Oh, um, I couldn't possibly top that. Thank you, though."

After the meeting, Bree is cleaning off the messy refreshment table when the counselor, Peter, walks up to her.

Bree: "Hi. Before coming to these meetings, I never realized how messy substance abusers can be."
Peter: "We usually leave the doughnut crumbs for the Overeaters Anonymous group that meets after us. You know, just to mess with 'em."
Bree: "You're awful."
Peter: "So tell me, Bree. How long have you been sober?"
Bree: "Gosh, um, I'm not exactly sure."
Peter: "Oh. Is somebody still drinking?"
Bree: "Now why would you say that?"
Peter: "I've never met an alcoholic yet who didn't know exactly how long it'd been since his last drink."
Bree: "Okay, you got me. I'm not really an alcoholic."
Peter: "You don't say."
Bree: "It's true. I'm coming here because of my son. You see, he's, he's trying to take me to court to become an emancipated minor, and he's planning on lying to the judge and telling him that I am some sort of dreadful lush. So I'm coming to these meetings to give the impression that I have changed."
Peter: "But you don't really need to change because you don't have a problem with alcohol."
Bree: "Exactly."
Peter: "I'll tell you what. Here's my card and if you ever do have a problem or you just feel like talking, give me a call, okay?"
Bree: "I know you think I'm kidding myself, but I'm not. I'm nothing like you people. I just don't have a compulsive personality."

She does a quick check of the table, then walks off. Peter looks down at a perfectly immaculate table.

Parcher & Murphy - Lynette's Office

Lynette is serving donuts and pastries to a woman, Veronica, being interviewed. Veronica is eating a donut.

Lynette: "Word is out all over town that you're unhappy at Zimms, so why not jump ship and come to Parcher Murphy? I swear, Veronica, you would fit in so well here."
Veronica: "I do need to make a change, Lynette, but the money you're offering..."
Lynette: "Yeah, it sucks but there are other perks: the expense account, the corner office..."
Veronica: "I don't know. You're just gonna have to give me some time to think about it."

Veronica grabs another donut and begins eating.

Lynette: "Fair enough, fair enough. Okay, what is your secret? How can you eat like that and keep your figure?"
Veronica: "It's the breast-feeding. It burns so many calories. It's like having a treadmill strapped to your chest."
Lynette: "I didn't know you had a child."
Veronica: "Yes, my son Donovan. He's the love of my life."
Lynette: "Really, Veronica? Well, you know, there's another perk that I just thought of."

Parcher & Murphy - Day Care Center

Veronica and Lynette are looking in the center.

Veronica: "Oh, my gosh, this is fantastic! They don't have day care at Zimms."
Lynette: "How can they not? For working parents like you and me, it's a necessity. So, is the pot getting sweeter?"
Veronica: "Would people here be cool about my breast-feeding Donovan? The guys at Zimms were real jerks about that."
Lynette: "Parcher & Murphy is completely mother-friendly. No one would say a word."
Veronica: "Oh! What the heck, I'm in."
Lynette: "Yeah? Well, that's fantastic!"
Veronica: "Oh, my god, whose kids are those?"

Lynette's sons are knocking over a table, shouting and laughing.

Lynette: "I have absolutely no idea. Let's go hammer out the details."
Veronica: "Okay."

Mr. Beale's Office

Carlos and Gabrielle are looking at photos of prospective mothers. The photos look like mug shots.

Carlos: "Mm. Ooh."
Gabrielle: "These can't be our only choices, Mr. Beale. I mean, come on. Each girl is uglier than the next."
Mr. Beale: "Look, finding a gorgeous pregnant woman who's willing to give her baby to a couple with a criminal record isn't exactly a walk in the park."
Gabrielle: "I don't care if it's a walk in the sewer. We are hemorrhaging money into your bank account and I expect to see results."
Mr. Beale: "You know, Mrs. Solis, you can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar."
Gabrielle: "If I wanted to catch flies, all I would have to do is call up one of these girls. Trust me, the flies would follow."

The intercom beeps.

Receptionist: "Excuse me, sir, there's a Libby Collins here for you."
Mr. Beale: "I'll be right out there. Uh, I took the liberty of inviting this girl down here to meet you. Now I wouldn't exactly say she's a quality human being, but she is attractive. If you don't respond to her, I'm afraid I'm out of ideas."

Mr. Beale leaves the room.

Carlos: "He's going to dump us as clients if you don't stop being so damn picky."
Gabrielle: "We are gonna have to stare at this face for the next eighteen years. I don't think now is the time to skimp on quality."

Mr. Beale enters with a beautiful pregnant blonde woman.

Mr. Beale: "Gabrielle, Carlos...I'd like you to meet Libby."
Gabrielle (whispering to Carlos): "Well, now, this I can work with."

Later, Libby, Carlos, Gabrielle and Mr. Beale are all sitting in his office talking.

Libby: "So, getting pregnant was the worst thing that could've ever happened to me, 'cause I went into debt and I had to stop performing."
Mr. Beale: "Libby's a pole dancer in a strip club."
Gabrielle: "Oh! Wow, that, that sounds like interesting work."
Libby: "You'd think so, but it gets old quickly. My big dream is to become a choreographer."
Carlos: "Really?"
Libby: "Yeah. I made up this one move. It's called the serpent's tongue, and all the girls at the club are doing it now. It's so cool. If I had a pole I could show you."
Carlos: "Well, we'll have to go down to the club and check that out. We'll make a night of it."
Gabrielle: "Yeah, we'll do that. So, Libby, who's the father?"
Libby: "Honesty, I don't know. I mean, there's a lot of guys who come into the club, and they all buy me drinks, and sometimes I get a little bit more friendly than I intend to. I hope you don't think I'm a slut."
Gabrielle: "No. No, actually, all we think about when we look at you is how pretty you are."
Carlos: "Well, I've heard enough, Mr. Beale. If Libby here likes us as much as much as we like her, we should just go ahead and move to adopt her baby girl."
Libby: "First, we should probably talk about how much money I want."
Mr. Beale: "Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Nobody's buying a baby here. That's illegal. Money can never exchange hands. Libby, you'll make a list of your expenses and the Solises here will pay."
Libby: "Oh, but can't they also buy me gifts? I knew this one girl who gave up her baby and she got a Harley."
Carlos: "Well, I don't know that we can afford a Harley, but I'm sure we'll find some way to express our gratitude."

Libby looks at Gabrielle and Carlos's hands, which are intertwined, and at the flashy jewelry they're each wearing.

Libby: "Okay. Whatever. Well, my lunch break is over, so I have get back to the club. 'Till I get rid of this kid, they got me slinging drinks. It was really nice to meet you, Mr. and Mrs. Soulless."
Gabrielle: "Oh, it's actually pronounced Solis."
Libby: "Sorry. So what kind of name is that?"
Carlos: "Ah, it's Mexican. Both our families come from Guadalajara."
Libby: "Huh. I figured you were Italian."
Gabrielle: "Nope. Latino. Proud of it."
Libby: "Good for you."

She leaves.

Susan's House

Susan (in a wheelchair), Bree, and Gabrielle at looking at pictures of Libby.

Susan: "Wow, she's gorgeous."
Gabrielle: "Yeah, my little girl's gonna inherit some wonderful genes."
Bree: "Is this Libby's real hair color?"
Gabrielle: "Yes, it's all natural, from her straight teeth to her C cup. And I know she's athletic because she's a pole dancer, so I really hope that my little girl inherits that as well. No, the athletic gene, not the pole dancing gene."

The ladies turn as they hear Karl calling out.

Karl: "Susie, baby? Oh, I got your call, uh, I thought I'd stop by. I didn't realize you had company. Hello, ladies."

Karl starts to wheel Susan out of the room.

Susan: "Um, we'll just be a second."
Karl: "Just be a second."
Susan: "Be right back."

They leave the room.

Bree: "Did he just call her baby?"
Gabrielle: "Yeah. When did they stop hating each other?"

Susan's Dining Room

Susan: "I need you to ditch Edie tomorrow night and have dinner with Dr. Ron and me."
Karl: "Now why would I do that?"
Susan: "Well, for starters, because you banged your secretary and you owe me for the rest of your life."
Karl: "I'll bring the wine."

Susan's Living Room

Bree: "Well, you know, before Mike came along, I always just assumed they'd get back together."
Gabrielle: "Why? I thought they always annoyed the heck out of each other."
Bree: "You didn't know them during the good times. I mean, there was such a spark between them, so much passion. They would always make each other laugh."

Susan's Dining Room

Karl laughs.

Karl: "You actually told Dr. Ron that you still love Mike?"
Susan: "Okay, will you shut up? It's not funny. I was drugged."
Karl: "Right, sorry, sorry. So how'd you get out of that one?"
Susan: "I lied and I told him I didn't know a Mike."
Karl: "Everyone knows a Mike."
Susan: "I am aware of that."
Karl: "So why didn't you just—"
Susan: "Because I panicked. Okay, Dr. Ron hadn't come in to see me since the operation and I was feeling insecure and..." (whispers) "I just didn't feel like the truth was a luxury I could afford." (normal voice) "Yes, go ahead. You may resume laughing."

Karl wheels Susan back into the living room. Karl is laughing.

Karl: "Ladies, always a pleasure."

He kisses Susan on the forehead.

Karl: "And you, I'll see you tomorrow."

He leaves and Susan notices the other women staring at her.

Susan: "What?"

Advertising Agnecy - Lynette's Office

Veronica: "This is just a preliminary sketch, but you see what I'm thinking of?"
Lynette: " I love it. I just love it. Let's get a copy to Ed."

Lynette's cell phone rings.

Lynette: "Oh, shoot. I gotta take this one. I'm sorry. It's Tom."

Veronica's nanny is outside Lynette's door.

Veronica: "That's okay. My nanny is here with my son. I need to go feed him anyway."
Lynette: "Perfect! Take your time." (into the phone) "Hey, honey. How's the Big Apple treating you? Good. Did those, uh, snooty clients like your pitch? Well, that's perfect. Excellent."

Lynette looks out her office. She sees Veronica walking a five-year-old child toward her office. Lynette seems shocked.

Lynette: "Uh-huh. Um, I'm... I'm, um... I'm gonna have, I'm gonna call you back."

Lynette hangs up and watches as Veronica closes her office blinds. Lynette walks over to Veronica's office, trying to see inside. There is a crack in the blinds. Lynette sees Veronica nursing her five-year-old son. Ed walks by and looks to see what Lynette is looking at.

Ed: "Oh, my god!"

Lynette squeals and they both walk away quickly.

Andrew's Room

Andrew and his attorney are sitting on the bed talking. Bree walks in with a tray.

Bree: "Hello there! I thought you and your friend might like some snacks."
Andrew: "He's my lawyer and this is privileged communication, so get out."
Mr. Bormanis: "Andrew, there's no need to be rude. This is very kind of you, Mrs. Van de Kamp."
Bree: "Well, I'm still appalled that you're helping my son with this ridiculous emancipation scheme, but you are a guest in my house and guests get sandwiches."
Andrew: "You know, if you'd let me go to his office, you wouldn't have to pretend to be nice to him."
Bree: "Andrew, there may be a judge out there stupid enough to emancipate you, but until you find him, I retain all my parental rights. One of which is to ground your sorry behind until kingdom come. Mr. Bormanis, nice to see you again, and, um, please don't get crumbs on my carpet."

Bree leaves the room.

Andrew: "You have got to get me out of here. That bitch is driving me crazy."
Mr. Bormanis: "This case is not a slam dunk. Her drinking was supposed to be our silver bullet, but since she joined AA..."
Andrew: "We've gotta do something, because if she wins, she's gonna own me."
Mr. Bormanis: "My advice? Convince her it's in her best interest to let you go. You don't wanna see the inside of a courtroom."
Andrew: "Why?"
Mr. Bormanis: "In family court, appearance means everything. If she came off abusive or stoned or even uncaring, we'd be in good shape. But if there's one thing your mom understands..."
Andrew: "It's presentation."

Mr. Bormanis takes a bite of his sandwich, holding his hand underneath it to catch any crumbs.

Betty's Living Room

Betty is playing the piano when Matthew walks in.

Matthew: "Can I borrow fifty dollars?"
Betty: "Purse."

She stops playing as he gets her wallet out of her purse and hands it to her.

Betty: "Why do you want so much money?"
Matthew: "I'm nineteen. Sometimes I need money. Do I have to be interrogated?"
Betty: "You do if you want a dime out of me. What's it for?"
Matthew: "Danielle's having her birthday next week. I just wanna be sure I can get her a decent present."
Betty: "Write her a poem. It's free."

She continues playing. Matthew bangs on the piano.

Betty: "Is there something else you want?"
Matthew: "Do you think I like to beg for money? I do this because you won't let me get a job."
Betty: "Looking after your brother is a full-time job for both of us and you know that."
Matthew: "Well, screw him!"
Betty: "Matthew!"
Matthew: "No, I'm serious, mom, because we have both put our entire lives on hold, and for what? It's been almost a year and he hasn't gotten any better."
Betty: "I see him improving!"
Matthew (yelling): "That's because you see what you wanna see! It is time to put him away, mom. Just let some professionals take care of him. We wouldn't have to move. We could have our lives back."

Caleb comes downstairs.

Caleb: "What's wrong? You fighting?"
Betty: "No, sweetie. Matthew's friend, Danielle, has a birthday coming up. We were just talking about what gift to give her."
Matthew: "Well, I was thinking jewelry...so fifty bucks should do it."

Betty pulls a bill out of her wallet and hands it to Matthew.

Betty: "Why not twenty? You don't wanna spoil her."

Parcher & Murphy - Conference Room

The staff is gathered around the table when Veronica's son, Donovan, walks in.

Lynette: "On page six is an example of the new print ad. Check it out."
Donovan: "I'm thirsty."
Veronica: "Oh, shh, honey, everyone's working. I'm sorry. This'll just take a sec."

Veronica walks out with her son.

Ed: "Is it just me or is that bizarre?"
Jerry: "It's bizarre. Totally bizarre."

All the men in the room throw down the bagels they were eating.

Ed: "We gotta make her stop this."
Lynette: "Hey, don't get me wrong, I find that as bizarre as you guys do, but right now this firm needs Veronica more than she needs us. Telling a mother how to raise her kids is an act of war. We will lose her."
Ed: "The kid is five. It's disgusting!"
Lynette: "Yeah, well we'll just ask her to keep the blinds always drawn when she nurses."
Ed: "We still know what's going on in there. It's a distraction. And god forbid a client sees her."
Lynette: "Okay, so who's gonna tell her?"
Ed: "You're a woman. It's easier for you to talk to her about milk and boobs and stuff."
Lynette: "No! No, uh, please. Don't make me do it. Why don't you have Jerry tell her?"
Jerry: "I made a pass at her yesterday. It'd be weird."
Ed: "You could do it without offending her. Come on, Lynette. Take one for the team."
Lynette: "Okay, but for the record, the team is made up of wimps."
Ed: "Well, the team's aware of that and accepts your loathing."

Gabrielle's House

Gabrielle is pouring a glass of milk and Carlos is on the phone.

Carlos: "Yeah? Hi. No, no, no. We were just out buying some stuff for the baby. What's up? Seriously. Okay. Thanks for calling."
Gabrielle: "What is it?"
Carlos: "That was our lawyer. Libby rejected us as parents."
Gabrielle: "Why?"
Carlos: "Because we're Mexican."
Gabrielle: "What? That's discrimination. It's illegal. We could have her arrested."
Carlos: "It's her baby. She can do whatever the hell she wants to with it. Damn it."
Gabrielle: "No! No, you don't just toss people aside because of the color of their skin."
Carlos: "We tossed those birth mothers aside because of their appearance."
Gabrielle: "Well, that's different."
Carlos: "Why?"
Gabrielle: "Because I've read the constitution and it does not protect ugly people."
Carlos: "Let's not fight about it. It's over. Let's just move on to the next one."
Gabrielle: "No. No, no, no. I want that woman's baby, and I'm gonna get it."
Carlos: "And just how are you gonna go about doing that?"
Gabrielle: "Well, first of all, I'm gonna show her one of our tax returns. Once she sees how much money we have, I have a hunch we're gonna look a whole lot whiter."

Parcher & Murphy - Day Care Center

Veronica is just taking Donovan back to the center.

Lynette: "Hey, Veronica. Hi, Donovan! My, he's getting big. How old is he?"
Veronica: "He just turned five."
Lynette: "Oh, wow, he's such a big boy."
Veronica: "Yeah."
Lynette: "Hey you know, breast-feeding on this schedule must be a real hassle. I remember I used to express my milk into a bottle. Made my life so much easier.
Veronica: "Is there a problem, Lynette?"
Lynette: "The people in this office feel a little concerned that you're nursing a boy of Donovan's age."
Veronica: "Do they know breast milk boosts the immune system? It's loaded with vitamins, and in the third world, it's not unusual to nurse babies up to the age of six.
Lynette: "Yeah, well, in the third world, they don't have juice boxes."
Veronica: "This is Donovan's decision. He will tell me when he's ready to stop nursing."
Lynette: "Come on, baby birds don't jump out of the nest, they need to be pushed."
Veronica: "Did you also know that breast milk is thought to raise IQ scores?"

Veronica looks into the day care room where the Scavo boys are hitting each other and yelling while every other child plays quietly.

Veronica: "Yeah, maybe if you had weaned your kids a bit later, they'd be more civilized."
Lynette: "Ouch."
Veronica: "I will not be judged by you or anyone else and if people don't like my breast-feeding, they can talk to my lawyer."

Susan's Dining Room

Susan, Dr. Ron, and Karl are having dinner.

Karl: "And then she took the salad bowl, put it on the floor and said, ‘if you wanna act like a pig, you can eat like a pig.'"
Dr. Ron: "You know, I never thought I'd have such a good time hanging out with my girlfriend and her husband."
Susan: "Yeah, well, believe me, behind all the laughs, there's still plenty of bitterness and resentment."
Dr. Ron: "Oh, really?"
Susan: "Yeah."
Dr. Ron: "Hey, what do you say you and I clear the table and bring on dessert?"
Susan: "No, no. I got it, I got it."
Dr. Ron: "No, honey, you're not gonna do anything. You're in a wheelchair for a reason, okay? Why don't you let Karl and I do the dishes?"
Susan: "All right, but if I catch you guys in there talking about me, you're gonna be the one in a wheelchair."
Dr. Ron: "Oh, really?"
Susan: "Yeah."
Dr. Ron: "Yeah?"

Karl watches them kiss as he walks into the kitchen.

Dr. Ron: "Well, I think maybe the dishes can wait for a second."
Susan (whispers): "Just a second?"
Dr. Ron: (whispers) "Yeah, just a second."

Karl walks into the kitchen. He puts the dishes down at the sink and looks out the window. He sees Mike pull into his driveway and walk into his house.

Karl peeks back in the dining room to see Susan and Dr. Ron still kissing. Karl goes back to the kitchen. He takes pliers and loosens the pipe under the sink causing water to spray out. He puts the pliers down and closes the cabinets. Dr. Ron enters the kitchen. He sees water all over the floor.

Dr. Ron: "What the hell?"
Karl: "What's the matter?"
Dr. Ron: "Ah! Jeez, ah, we got a leak."
Karl: "Oh. I'll sop up the water. Why don't you see go see the guy across the street? He's a plumber, in the gray house."
Dr. Ron: "All right. I'll be right back."
Karl: "His name's Delfino."

Susan wheels herself into the kitchen.

Susan: "Where's he going?"
Karl: "Oh, we've got a bit of a plumbing emergency."
Susan: "So you sent him over to Mike's?"
Karl: "Oh, my god. I am such an idiot! I wasn't even thinking."
Susan: "Karl! Oh, god!"
Karl: "There's just so much water here."
Susan: "What were you thinking? Oh, oh!"

Susan wheels herself to the door, bumping into it. Karl looks out the window and sees Dr. Ron knocking on Mike's door.

Mike's House

Dr. Ron: "Hi, Mr. Delfino? My name is Ron. My girlfriend is Susan Mayer. You know, from across the street?"
Mike: "Yeah, yeah, I know her."
Dr. Ron: "We've got kind of a burst pipe."
Mike: "Okay, um, come on in while I get my tools. And you can call me Mike."

Dr. Ron freezes at the name "Mike."

Susan's Front Porch

Susan is rolling down the porch, banging and bumping all the way down the steps.

Susan: "Oh! ugh! Oh, ah, okay. I made it."

She begins rolling the chair toward Mike's.

Mike's House

Dr. Ron: "So, Mike, you, uh, have you known Susan long?"
Mike: "A year and a half."

Wisteria Lane - Nighttime

Susan continues wheeling herself over to Mike's.

Susan: "Ah! ooh!"

Mike's House

Mike: "Didn't she mention we dated?"
Dr. Ron: "No, no, she didn't. She, she didn't."

Wisteria Lane - Nighttime

Susan rolling herself, rolls over the curb and the chair tips over and Susan falls out.

Susan: "Oh!"

Mike's House

Dr. Ron: "Can you excuse me, please?"

Dr. Ron walks out.

Wisteria Lane - Nighttime

Susan rolls over holding her side. She starts climbing up onto the wheelchair when Dr. Ron approaches.

Susan: "That smarts! Aah!"
Dr. Ron: "Liar!"
Susan: "I take it you met Mike."
Dr. Ron: "Yeah, I did."
Susan: "Please, please let me explain."
Dr. Ron: "No, just, just let go of me."
Susan: "Oh!"

Susan grabs Dr. Ron. He pushes her and she falls. Mike sees her fall. He drops his tool box and runs over to Susan's.

Dr. Ron (to Susan): "I'm sorry."
Susan: "Okay."
Dr. Ron: "Here, come on, let me help you."
Mike: "Hey, get away from her!"

He pulls Dr. Ron off of Susan.

Mike: "Are you okay?"
Susan: "I'm fine!"
Mike: "What the hell is the matter with you?"
Dr. Ron: "Hey, that was an accident!"
Mike: "That didn't look like an accident."

Karl watches through the kitchen window.

Susan: "Okay, Mike, just, it's okay. Just go home."
Dr. Ron: "Yeah, go home, Mike."
Mike: "You touch her like that again, you're gonna be dealing with me."
Dr. Ron: "You might wanna get out of my face."
Mike: "Or what?"
Susan: "Oh. Okay."

Mike walks away. Ron grabs and pushes him. Karl watches from the window, eating dessert.

Susan: "Ron, what are you doing?"

Mike gets up and charges Dr. Ron. Dr. Ron runs. Mike grabs him.

Susan: "Oh, my god! Guys, stop it. Stop it, right now!"
Dr. Ron: "All right, all right. I can't believe I wasted my time with you. You've just been leading me on! You're obviously still in love with this guy. All right, I'm done."
Susan: "No, Ron, don't go!"
Dr. Ron: "Don't call me."

Dr. Ron gets in his car and slams the door. Karl smiles from the window, still eating dessert. Ron drives away.

Susan: "Oh, Ron! Oh! Ugh!" (to Mike) "What the hell is wrong with you?"
Mike: "I thought he was hurting you."
Susan: "Well, he wasn't! And now my boyfriend is gone. Thank you very much."

Susan wheels herself away.

Strip Club

Pregnant Libby is sitting at a table while giving instructions to a dancer on the stage dancing around a pole.

Libby: "Okay, but the pole is your friend, okay? Push your boobs up against it."
Cecile: "Oh, I can't. They're new."
Libby: "Well, do something, Cecile. I'm losing my wood down here."

Gabrielle walks in.

Cecile: "Wow! That's a kickin' outfit."
Gabrielle: "Well, thank you, sweetie. I clean up well for a wetback, don't I?"
Libby: "Look, I'm not some sort of racist. I just want what's best for my baby girl. I mean, why should I settle for middle-class Mexicans when I know I can find rich white folks to adopt her?"
Gabrielle: "Please, do I look middle class to you?"
Libby: "Well, you didn't seem all that rich in Mr. Beale's office. I mean, when I brought up the idea of gifts to your husband, he acted like he couldn't even afford a Harley."
Gabrielle: "So is that what it's gonna take to change your mind? A gift? Fine. What do you want?"
Libby: "I don't know."
Gabrielle: "You like jewelry?"

She removes her diamond necklace and hands it to Libby.

Gabrielle: "Well, here."
Libby: "Are these real diamonds?"
Gabrielle: "Honey, the one in the center is three karats."
Libby: "I never touched a real diamond before."
Gabrielle: "Well, my husband and I can expose you to a lot of nice new things."
Libby: "Well, only if I let you have my baby."
Gabrielle: "Well, like they say, there's no such thing as a free lunch."
Libby: "Okay."
Gabrielle: "Really? Just like that?"
Libby: "Just like that. Of course, we probably shouldn't tell the lawyer about our understanding, because then we'll have to deal with percentages and all that."
Gabrielle: "I always hated math."

They shake hands. Gabrielle starts to walk away. She turns back toward Libby.

Libby: "What's wrong?"
Gabrielle: "You never gave a crap that we were Mexican, did you?"
Libby: "Not really."
Gabrielle: "So why put me through this?"
Libby: "Because I thought if it looked like you weren't gonna get my baby that you might be just a bit more generous."
Gabrielle: "Wow. You're a lot smarter than I thought."
Libby: "I'm smarter than everybody thinks."

Parcher & Murphy - Lynette's House

Lynette is drinking from a carton of milk when Donovan walks in.

Donovan: "Where's my mom? I'm thirsty."
Lynette: "Oh, I'm sorry, honey. Your mom is in her office on a conference call and she's busy, so you're just gonna have to wait, okay?"
Donovan: "What's that?"
Lynette: "That's chocolate milk. I shouldn't be having it. Have you ever had any?"
Donovan: "Mm-mm."
Lynette: "Follow me. Here. Go ahead, try it. Come on, you'll really like it. I promise. Come on, yeah. C'mon, all the grown-ups are drinking it. Yeah, that's good. Just chug it on down. Good. You like that?"

Donovan drinks the chocolate milk and smiles.

Department Store

Bree sits at a bar located in the middle of the store.

Bartender: "Would you like dessert or another glass of wine?"
Bree: "Oh, no, thank you. I have to run. Just the, uh, check. I have a charity event this weekend and I have to find a cocktail dress before the store closes. But everything was just yummy."

Bree gets up and sees Andrew and Justin at the counter paying for a purchase.

Andrew: "Looks good on your ass."
Justin: "Thank you."
Andrew: "Yeah."

Bree approaches them.

Justin: "Oh, hey, Mrs. Van de Kamp."
Bree: "What do you think you're doing? You're supposed to be grounded."
Andrew: "I'm, uh, buying a belt."
Bree: "With what? You don't have any money."

Andrew holds up a credit card.

Bree: "You took that out of my purse."
Andrew: "Give that back."
Bree: "We are going home. Wait till I tell the judge about you stealing my credit cards and sneaking off. It's gonna do wonders for your little emancipation case."
Andrew: "I don't think you're gonna let this get to the court."
Andrew: "Oh, and why is that?"
Andrew: "Because then I'd be forced to testify about my childhood."
Bree: "So? You had one of the loveliest childhoods I've ever known."
Andrew: "You sure about that? 'Cause I'm starting to remember some abuse."
Bree: "Andrew, the judge is not seriously gonna believe that I beat you."
Andrew: "Oh, I'm not talking about that kind of abuse. You know, it's funny. The angrier I get, the more these repressed memories start to come up."
Bree: "You can't be serious."
Andrew: "Like, touching me in places you shouldn't have..."
Bree: "No one is ever gonna believe a word of that."
Andrew: "Yeah, well, you know how people are. They might say that they believe you, but they'll always wonder. So if I were you, I'd back the hell off."

Andrew grabs the credit card back.

Andrew: "Come on, Justin. I'm gonna buy you something pretty. Justin!"

Bree walks back to the bar.

Bree: "On second thought, I will have another glass of wine. You can leave the bottle."

Department Store - Nighttime

All the lights are off. Bree wakes up on the floor of a dressing room, wearing a green cocktail dress. She comes out and sees the dark store. She is shocked. She runs to the front door, pulling on the locked gates.

Later, Bree has changed her clothes. She goes back to the gate, pulling on it. She grabs the arm off a mannequin and tries to pry the gate open. The gate opens enough for her to step toward the door. The arm snaps and traps her inside the doorway of the gate. She tries pushing it but is not strong enough to pry it open.

Peter's Apartment - Nighttime

The phone rings. In bed, Peter turns on a light and answers.

Peter: "Yeah?"
Bree: Hi, it's Bree Van de Kamp. I didn't know who else to call, and, well, I'm in a bit of a situation."

Outside Department Store - Nighttime

Peter arrives with a guard who unlocks the gate.

Peter: "Well, how did you get stuck like that?"
Bree: "I would rather not discuss it right now."
Security Guard: "Man, the other security guys are not gonna believe this."

He takes out his camera phone.

Security Guard: "Do you mind?"
Bree: "I'd prefer it you didn't."

The secuity guard snaps a picture anyway.

Peter's Car

Peter: "Your son threatened you with repressed memories? Oh, my god, he is seriously twisted. I gotta meet this kid."
Bree: "You sound like you're impressed."
Peter: "I sorta am. Sounds like you're definitely raising an alpha male."
Bree: "I'm raising a monster is what I'm raising. It's no wonder I drink. I don't know why I said that."
Peter: "Maybe it's true."
Bree: "No, it makes it sound like I think I have a problem and I don't."
Peter: "Look, I don't wanna get into a fight or anything, but you passed out in a department store. And in my way of thinking, that is a problem."
Bree: "Tonight was a very unusual situation. I wish you could've known me when Rex was alive and my kids were young and everything was the way it was supposed to be. I think you really would've liked me so much."
Peter: "I like you just fine."
Bree: "Really? Because I don't."

Bree's House

Danielle comes home and begins calling out as she walks through the house.

Danielle: "Mom? Andrew?"

She goes upstairs to her room. Caleb is sitting on her bed.

Danielle: "Caleb?"
Caleb: "Hey, Danielle."
Danielle: "What are you doing here?"
Caleb: "Happy Birthday."

He holds out a blue brooch to her.

Danielle: "You really have to go home. If my mom knew you were here, she'd freak."
Caleb: "Don't you want to wear it?"
Danielle: "No, I don't. Now please leave."
Caleb: "I can help you with it."
Danielle: "No! Didn't you hear me, you freak? Leave!"

Caleb walks out and Danielle shuts her bedroom door, leaning her back against it.

Veronica's Office

Lynette walks past Veronica's office, where she's crying.

Lynette: "Hey. What's wrong?"
Veronica: "You can tell everyone in the office to relax. He won't take my milk anymore."
Lynette: "Already? I mean, I'm sorry."
Veronica: "Yeah, I bet. I mean, I'm not naïve. I just didn't think it would be so soon."
Lynette: "Oh, sweetie, I know that we wanna keep them young as long as we can, but kids grow up. They just do."
Veronica: "I know. If that's not bad enough, now I'm gonna get fat again."
Lynette: "Huh?"
Veronica: "Breast-feeding was the only thing that kept the weight off. Every mealtime was like doing thirty minutes of cardio. Now I'm gonna have to join a gym!"
Lynette: "Wow, that is really a bummer."
Veronica: "It is. It really is."

Susan's House

Susan is lying on the couch reading when Mike comes in.

Mike: "Hey, uh, Julie let me in."
Susan: "I can see that. So, what, did you run out of strangers to beat up on the street and you're going house to house now?"
Mike: "I feel really awful about what happened."
Susan: "If you don't wanna be my boyfriend, fine. Don't beat up the only guy who wants to volunteer for the job."
Mike: "Look, I know I overreacted. But come on, the way he was yelling at you?"
Susan: "I deserved it, believe me. After what I did...God, this is such a mess. He won't even return my phone calls."
Mike: "What'd you do?"
Susan: "I said something to Dr. Ron before the operation, and it just devastated him."
Mike: "What?"
Susan: "I can't tell you."
Mike: "Yeah, you can. You can tell me anything. You know that."

Julie walks in.

Julie: "Mom, um, phone call. It's Dr. Ron."
Susan: "Oh? Um, I need to take this."
Mike: "You, um, you wanna talk about this later?"
Susan: "No. No, not really. Um, what's the point?"

Mike walks out.

Susan (on the phone): "Hi."

Hospital Delivery Room

A young woman has given birth.

"At that precise moment, as Dr. Hanson Mills was cutting yet another umbilical cord, other ties were being severed all over town."

Veronica's Office

Veronica hands Donovan a milk carton.

"Like the one between a child and the mother who didn't want him to grow up so quickly..."

Bree's Kitchen

Bree at the sink with a case of wine.

"...or the one between a case of fine wine and the housewife who hadn't wanted to admit that she had a problem..."

Hospital

Dr. Ron is on the phone.

"...or the one between a woman and the boyfriend who couldn't forgive her betrayal."

Strip Club

A young woman dancing around a pole. Libby is wiping off a table when her a man comes up behind her and hugs her.

"The choice to separate from what we love is painful..."

He hugs her and her pregnant belly.

Libby's Boyfriend: "Hey. How's my girl today? How are both of my girls?"

"The only thing worse..."

Libby: "We're doing good. We're doing real good."

"...is when someone we've trusted makes the choice for us."

~ The End ~

This transcript was compiled and completed on April 9, 2006 by Amanda (desperate_housewives at yahoo dot com) and Lucy.
Last Update: May 7, 2006

Return to EPISODES
Return to HOME