This was typed by Lucy, Foxhidden, and Amanda, mere humans, and mistakes are possible. If you find any, no matter how trivial, please let me know. (desperate_housewives at yahoo dot com)

In the interest of finishing the transcripts faster, screen caps will no longer be placed on the transcripts. You can find screen caps at the following websites:
Desperate Housewives
Wisteria Lane
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If you know of any other screen caps sites, please e-mail them to me: (desperate_housewives at yahoo dot com)

Guest stars
"Andrew Van de Kamp" - Shawn Pyfrom
"Danielle Van de Kamp" - Joy Lauren
"Matthew Applewhite" - Mehcad Brooks
"Preston Scavo" - Brent Kinsman
"Porter Scavo" - Shane Kinsman
"Parker Scavo" - Zane Huett
"Caleb" - Nashawn Kearse
"Felicia Tilman" - Harriet Sansom Harris
"Dr. Ron McCreadie" - Jay Harrington
"Noah Taylor" - Bob Gunton
"Eugene" - Nick Chinlund
"Justin" - Ryan Carnes
"Helen Rowland" - Kathryn Harrold
"Eugene Beale" - John Kapelos
"Samuel Bormanis" - Bruce Jarchow
"Rhoda" - Deborah Theaker
"Nurse Ruth Ann Heisel" - Dagney Kerr
"Dr. Cunningham" - Tim Monsion
"Booking Sergeant" - Skip Stellrecht
"Receptionist" - Tracy Burns
"Young Zach" - Tanner Maguire
"Gangbanger #1" - Garrett Warren

Written by: Bruce Zimmerman
Directed by: Randy Zisk

Mary Alice's Living Room

Paul dials the phone with a newspaper on his lap.

"What made my husband Paul Young such a good investor was his uncanny ability to anticipate the future..."

Flashback - Mary Alice's Living Room

Mary Alice with a young Zach in the living room. Mary Alice is trying to unknot Zach's tennis shoe. Paul is in the kitchen.

Mary Alice: "Zach, how did you do this?"

Paul watches and smiles as Mary Alice struggles with the knot in Zach's shoe.

"He foresaw the necessity of the Velcro shoe."

Flashback - Mary Alice's Kitchen

Paul watches as Mary Alice mixes ingredients to make coffee.

"He predicted the advent of the $3.00 cup of coffee."

Flashback - Mary Alice's Kitchen

Paul watches as Mary Alice pours water into a thermos.

"He even anticipated the surprising boom in bottled water."

Present Day - Mary Alice's House

Paul is reading the paper and talking on the phone.

Paul: "Yeah, it's Paul Young. I've been reading about the election results in Brazil. It's time to buy sugar."

"But the crystal ball that served Paul so well in the stock market sometimes failed him closer to home."

Paul gets up to answer a knock on the door. Eugene is on the porch.

Eugene: "Paul Young?"
Paul: "Yeah."
Eugene: "Eugene. You need to come downtown for questioning."
Paul: "About what?"
Eugene: "We're investigating reports of credit card fraud and your name has been linked with several of the victims."
Paul: "Well, it must be some mistake."
Eugene: "Could be. But we still need to go downtown and straighten it out."
Paul: "All right."
Zach: "How long is this gonna take?"
Paul: "Don't worry about it. It's just a mix-up."

Outside Mary Alice's House - Nighttime

Eugene walks Paul to his car. Paul sees Felicia get out of her car and walk to her door with groceries. They stop and stare at each other.

Eugene: "Let's go."

Felicia watches as the detective takes Paul away.

Police Station

Eugene is booking Paul.

Paul: "What's going on? I thought you just wanted to ask me some questions."
Eugene: "That's after you're booked."
Paul: "Booked? Booked for what?"
Uniformed Officer: "You can't book him here anyhow, Detective. Computers are down. We're all full up. You gotta take him down to County."

Eugene handcuffs Paul.

Paul: "What is going on? This is crazy. I wanna call my lawyer. What the hell do you guys think you're doing anyway? Huh?"

Police Station Parking Garage

A uniformed officer is leading a handcuffed Paul to the police van.

Paul: "This is ridiculous. I get a phone call!"

The officer pushes Paul into the van and locks the doors.

"Yes, in the world of investments, my husband had a remarkable ability to see the future."

Inside the van are two prisoners dressed in orange prison jumpsuits.

Prisoner: "Got a message for you, Paul Young. Dierdre's father said to give you his regards."

The prisoner pulls a knife out of his boot and attacks Paul.

"But sadly, Paul didn't see this one coming at all."

Opening Credits

Bree's Kitchen

"Bree Van de Kamp had a weekly routine she'd been following for years."

Bree crosses off a day on a calendar posted on the wall.

Flashback - Bree's Kitchen

"She cleaned on Tuesdays."

Bree sweeps her kitchen.

Flashback - Bree's Dining Room

"She paid her bills on Wednesdays."

Bree at her dining room table paying bills.

Bree's Laundry Room

"She did her laundry on Thursdays."

Bree is doing laundry.

Present Day - Bree's Dining Room

Bree waters the flowers on her dining room table.

"And after these daily chores were completed, she would reward herself with a little drink."

She walks to her couch with a wine glass in her hand. As she reaches the couch, she sees through her friends talking together outside the window.

"What Bree didn't know was this latest addition to her routine had been noticed by her friends. And it had now become part of their routine to discuss it."

Wisteria Lane - Daytime

Bree looks out her window and sees Susan, Gabrielle and Lynette are standing by Lynette's car talking.

Lynette: "So, apparently Bree had a few too many and passed out. Next thing I know, I get a call at work. Someone found my kids wandering the street."
Gabrielle: "Oh, my god!"
Susan: "Have you seen Bree since?"
Lynette: "No. I'm worried about her but I don't know how I'm gonna get over what she did."

Bree watches as Lynette drives off to work. Bree comes out of her house and approaches Susan and Gabrielle.

Susan: "Hey, Bree. How you doing today?"
Bree: "I'm really well. Um, I just saw you all talking before Lynette went off to work. What were you all talking about?"
Gabrielle: "Oh, nothing, really. Carlos and I are gonna go see the adoption counselor today."
Susan: "I'm checking myself into the hospital. I'm finally gonna get that surgery."
Bree: "Oh. Good for you. Did Lynette mention the little tiff we had?"
Susan: "Just in passing."
Gabrielle: "She barely mentioned it."
Bree: "Because what happened was I accidentally mixed my antihistamine medication with, you know, a little glass of wine I was having, and I, I fell asleep, you know, while I was watching her kids. I mean, I like a little wine with dinner, I mean, now and then. You know, who doesn't? But, uh, I mean, you know, to trash my entire reputation."
Susan: "Oh, Bree, she didn't trash you. Honest."
Bree: "Well, good. I mean, I just, I really wouldn't want you to get the wrong impression. Well, I'm, I'm, uh, going to the mall. They're having a white sale today. I think I'm gonna get a new bath mat. Oh, does anyone need one?"
Gabrielle: "No, I'm good. "
Bree: "Okay, take care."

Bree walks away.

Gabrielle: "Wow, did you smell the alcohol on her breath?"
Susan: "I sure did."

Gabrielle sighs.

Advertising Agency

Tom is presenting a pitch to the staff.

Tom: "Then our Eskimo turns in the camera and says, 'Polar fresh mints will give your breath an A-plus too.' So what do you think?"
Lynette: "It feels a little familiar."
Tom: "Really? I don't think so."
Lynette: "No, I'm pretty sure the Lowell group used Eskimos in a deodorant commercial they had last month. Remember?"
Tom: "Oh, this is completely different. Those were jock Eskimos competing in the Iditarod. Our Eskimo's trying to, you know, patch things up with his wife."
Lynette: "Yeah. No, I get the subtle distinction. I think we can do better. Okay? So, Sally, you're up. What do you got for me?"

Lynette's Office

Tom: "Hey."
Lynette: "Hey."
Tom: "I got the subtle distinction? What was that about?"
Lynette: "If you really wanna do this now, shut the door. Okay, sure, I was a little bitchy. But you know why? You did a half-ass job in there."
Tom: "Hey, you may not like my idea, but you can't say I didn't work hard."
Lynette: "Oh, please. I live with you. Last night, when you should've been trying to make that pitch work, you were watching the game."
Tom: "I wasn't watching the game."
Lynette: "I saw you!"
Tom: "What, okay, now I can't check the score?"
Lynette: "Are you saying you gave your heart and soul to that Eskimo pitch?"
Tom: "I worked really hard on that pitch."
Lynette: "Did you give it a hundred percent? Well. Exactly. So? Big deal. Go work up some new ideas and then we'll go over it during lunch. Okay?"
Tom: "You're the boss."
Lynette: "Yes, I am."

Hospital Room

Susan is lying in bed, reading. Dr. Ron and Dr. Cunningham come in. Dr. Cunnigham has his right arm in a cast.

Dr. Ron: "Hey."
Dr. Cunningham: "Susan. Good to see you again. I'm really looking forward to your surgery."
Susan: And I'm really hoping you're a lefty."
Dr. Cunningham: "Nope. I can't even write my name. But that's what I get for throwing my kid a roller-skating party."
Susan: "Funny. So, what about my surgery?"
Dr. Cunningham: "Oh, I'll still do it. With Dr. Ron's help, of course."
Dr. Ron: "Dr. Cunningham will be standing right beside me. With my hands and his brain, you got the best parts of both of us."
Susan: "Then I'm on board."
Dr. Cunningham: "We're keeping you under observation, so, hopefully, we'll operate tomorrow."
Dr. Ron: "Uh, if you don't mind, I'd like a minute to consult with my patient."
Dr. Cunningham: "Oh! Right, your, um, little thing."
Susan: "What little thing?"
Dr. Ron: "Um, well, it was, it was gonna be a surprise, but..."

He turns and coughs and Nurse Hisel walks in carrying a large vase of red and yellow roses.

Susan: "Oh, my god, they're beautiful."
Dr. Ron: "Um, look, I've been thinking about us a lot lately. About putting this operation behind us, and where we'll go from there. Our future, together. And I really suck at putting my emotions into words, which is, um, it's why I wrote it all down. There's a card."
Susan: "Oh."
Dr. Ron: "Uh, but you can't read it. Not, not while I'm here anyway. It's way, way too stressful. Um, I am going to go now."

Dr. Ron kisses Susan and leaves the room. Susan picks up the card and reads it to herself.

Susan: "Wow. Wow."
Nurse Hisel: "Oh, he's so romantic. May I?"

Susan: "Oh, it's sort of private."
Nurse Hisel: "Well, I did help him pick out the flowers."
Susan: "Oh. Um, okay. There's more on the back."

Adoption Agency

Carlos and Gabrielle are with an adoption counselor.

Gabrielle: "So, how does this work? Do we flip through a catalog or something?"
Rhoda: "I wish it was that easy. You have to understand for every baby, there are ten couples who want it. You don't choose your child. The birth mother chooses you."
Gabrielle: "Really?"
Carlos: "So what do you think our chances are? We will do anything that we need to do."
Rhoda: "Well, your typical birth mother is usually a young girl and she'll just wanna make sure you're quality people. Now to show her that you'll be putting together a parent portfolio."
Carlos: "What's that?"
Rhoda: "Family pictures, character references, that kind of stuff."
Gabrielle: "So, um, we're auditioning to be parents?"
Rhoda: "I guess you could say that."
Gabrielle: "So just to be clear, some slutty cheerleader gets knocked up by the soccer coach behind the local gas 'n gulp, and she is going to make sure we're quality people?"
Carlos: "You don't need to answer that."

Bree's Back Yard

Bree is reading the paper drinking a glass of wine.

Andrew: "You know, you don't have to hide it from me."
Bree: "Hmm?"
Andrew: "The drinking. It doesn't bother me."
Bree: "Oh, I wasn't hiding anything. I was simply, ah, enjoying the day. What you want?"
Andrew: "Well, um, Mason was my ride to school. And his dad's moving them to Tucson so..."
Bree: "Oh, well, if you need a ride to school, I'm happy to drive you."
Andrew: "No, that's not what I want. I want a car."
Bree: "Well, then I suggest you get a job."
Andrew: "Why should I have to go work my ass off at some fast food place when I can already afford what I want?"
Bree: "Andrew, we're not touching your trust fund."
Andrew: "It's my money."
Bree: "Not until you're twenty-one. And if I had my way, you wouldn't get your hands on it until you're fifty. I mean, we both know you're gonna waste every penny of it."
Andrew: "Why are you being like this?"
Bree: "Because, sweetheart, it is my job to teach you about responsibility, setting goals, delayed gratification."
Andrew: "What do you know about delayed gratification? It's not even noon, yet you're already on your third glass of wine."
Bree: "You know, on second thought, I won't be driving you to school. The walk will do you good."
Andrew: "Mom, I'm not kidding around. I want my money."
Bree: "The answer is no."
Andrew: "Well, aren't we a mean old drunk?"

Bree slaps Andrew.

Andrew: "Whatever that was supposed to teach me, consider the lesson learned."

Hospital Room

Susan wakes up to find Karl laughing as he reads her card from Dr. Ron.

Susan: "What are you doing here?"
Karl: "I'm just enjoying the silky smooth moves of Dr. Ron. Or should I say, 'Dr. Love?'"
Susan: "Give me that."
Karl: "This is my favorite." (reading the card) "'I can't wait to be in the operating room with you so I can touch your heart because you've already touched mine so deeply.'"
Susan: "Okay, that part sounds better when you don't read it out loud. And what are you doing reading it anyway? Those are Dr. Ron's private thoughts."
Karl: "Yeah, I got that. You know, I sense that he really likes you, Susie."
Susan: "So?"
Karl: "So, do you really like him?"
Susan: "Of course I do. He's smart and funny and kind."
Karl: "Smart, funny, kind. I don't hear the word love in there."
Susan: "Well, that's a big word. We just started dating, and we have a connection, and I'm gonna follow it through and see where it goes."
Karl: "Oh, I get it. You're gonna string him along 'till you feel something you don't and waste the next five years of your life."
Susan: "As opposed to the twelve I wasted on you? Why are we talking about this? I don't recall asking you your opinion."
Karl: "Because we're married and I have certain rights and one of them is the right to badger you."
Susan: "Okay, you know, you can leave now."
Karl: "I wish I could MRI your soul."
Susan: "Out! It's not funny."

Karl leaves and bumps into Nurse Hisel.

Karl: "Hey, watch out for my wife. She's on a tear."

Gabrielle's Living Room

Gabrielle and Carlos are sitting on the floor with pictures spread all around them.

Gabrielle: "Oh, here's one we took on vacation."
Carlos: "Gaby, these pictures have to be wholesome. They gotta say 'these people will do a great job raising a child.'"
Gabrielle: "So?"
Carlos: "So, you're topless."
Gabrielle: "Yeah, but it's St. Barts and your hands are covering my naughty parts."
Carlos: "Do you mean the hand that's holding the tequila shot, or the one that's holding the Cuban cigar?"
Gabrielle: "Yeah, that was a good trip."
Carlos: "Gaby!"
Gabrielle: "Fine. We won't use it."
Carlos: "We can't use any of 'em. Every single picture of the two of us, we're either drinking or smoking or naked."
Gabrielle: "So we like to have fun. I mean, who doesn't understand that better than an unwed, knocked-up teenager?"
Carlos: "This is serious. If we can't sell ourselves as good people..."
Gabrielle: "Well, then we'll just have to find someone who can do it for us."

Lynette's Porch

Gabrielle and Carlos are at Lynette's door.

Lynette: "So you want me to, uh, pitch you as parents?"
Gabrielle: "You're in advertising. You can do it. Just write us a character reference saying we're great with kids. Oh, this is for you."

She hands Lynette a bottle of wine.

Lynette: "Oh. Well, you don't have to bribe me. We're all friends here."
Gabrielle: "Keeping that in mind, would it also be okay if we were your kids' godparents?"
Lynette: "Oh! Uh, I guess."
Gabrielle: "Great and can we take some fake pictures to document it?"
Lynette: "I don't suppose you brought a corkscrew?"

Mary Alice's House

Zach is on the phone on the porch.

Zach: "You didn't have a warrant and if you don't arrest him, then you gotta tell me what he wants."

Felicia is standing in front of the Young house with a cup of coffee when Mike walks up.

Felicia: "Hello, Mike."
Mike: "Felicia, what are you doing here?"
Felicia: "Oh, I left in such a rush. There was a lot of old business I forgot to wrap up."
Mike: "Well, it must be pretty important business. Gets you to move back in next door to the man you think murdered your sister."
Felicia: "It's funny you should mention Paul. You know, the police came and took him away last night."
Mike: "The police?"
Felicia: "And from the way they were manhandling him, ooh, I don't think he'll be back anytime soon."

Mike looks over and sees Zach on the phone.

Zach: "No, I just wanna talk to him, that's all..."

Mike's House

Mike is talking on the phone with Noah.

Mike: "What the hell's going on?"
Noah: "It's none of your concern, Mike."
Mike: "You listen to me, if anything happens to Paul Young..."
Noah: "It already happened. Hours ago."
Mike: "He's dead?"
Noah: "Like I said, it's none of your concern."
Mike: "Maybe you don't get it, Noah. You screwed up. You just killed the most important person in your grandson's life. Do you think he's gonna have anything to do with you once he finds out? And believe me, I'll make sure he finds out."

Mike hangs up and takes an gun out of the cupboard.

Lynette's Dining Room

The family is having dinner.

Tom: "So, honey, the meat loaf. It's, um, it's a little burnt."
Lynette: "Oh, right, I was talking to Susan on the phone and I left it in a little longer than I should've. Sorry."
Tom: "It's okay."

He sighs.

Lynette: "Is it that bad?"
Tom: "No. No, not bad at all."
Lynette: "Oh, good. Parker, don't put your elbows on the table. Come on."
Tom: "But you'd agree it wasn't your best effort."
Lynette: "Huh?"
Tom: "The meal, the task you agreed to take on. You'd agree that you didn't give it a hundred percent, right?"
Lynette: "Tom, if you're gonna make a point, why don't you do it now before I hurl the plate at you?"
Tom: "Nobody gives a hundred percent of his effort all the time because they can't. It is impossible. You do the best you can with the time and energy you have."
Lynette: "Stop right there. This is meat loaf. Your presentation was business."
Tom: "You're saying the client deserves more effort than your own family?"
Lynette: "Okay. So, if I apologize for upsetting you at work, can we get past it and enjoy our meal?"
Tom: "Absolutely."
Lynette: "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I am sorry."
Tom: "Thanks."
Lynette: "So, boys, how do you enjoy the meat loaf?"
Parker: "It's a little salty."
Preston: "Yeah."
Lynette: "Just eat it."

Wisteria Lane Park - Nighttime

Andrew and Justin are sitting on a bench. Andrew puts a large ring on Justin's finger.

Andrew: "There. Perfect. All right."

They stand and Justin hits Andrew in the face with the ring, knocking him down. Andrew stands up.

Andrew: "All right, one more time."
Justin: "What?"
Andrew: "Yeah."
Justin: "Dude, I don't wanna mess up your face."
Andrew: "Do you love me?"

Justin nods.

Andrew: "Then do what I tell you."

Justin punches him again.

Lynette's Bedroom

Lynette and Tom are getting ready for bed.

Tom: "Rough day."
Lynette: "Yeah. I wonder if there's any way that we can turn it around still."
Tom: "Good question. But, what to do? What to do?"
Lynette: "Yeah."

They begin kissing and rolling on the bed. They roll and Lynette attempts to push Tom on his back when Tom pushes her away.

Lynette: "Hi! What's up?"
Tom: "Why do you keep trying to do that?"
Lynette: "What?"
Tom: "Trying to get on top."
Lynette: "Of you? No, I'm not."
Tom: "You were pushing on me like you were trying to sack me. I felt it."
Lynette: "Are you serious? Tom, I wasn't doing anything. I was just going for it. I was just lost in the moment. Oh, come on! Come on, this is silly. I don't wanna argue. I mean, unless it turns you on. Does it? 'Cause then I'm all about it, baby."
Tom: "Come here."

They begin kissing and rolling around on the bed again.

Tom: "What, what was that?"
Lynette: "What was what?"
Tom: "You were bracing. You were bracing with your leg. I was trying to lie on top of you, and you were bracing yourself against the mattress so you didn't have to get on your back. Try and deny it. Try and deny it. You can't."
Lynette: "Okay, okay, can I just mention you're talking like a crazy person?"
Tom: "You can't give it up for a second, can you? You always have to call the shots. Always."
Lynette: "Is this about me being your boss again? You gotta get over it."
Tom: "That's exactly my point. Exactly. You are not just my boss at the office. You're my boss everywhere."
Lynette: "Oh, that's ridiculous."
Tom: "You run the show. You run the show, and I'm along for the ride. I just push the little shopping cart, let the woman do all the driving."
Lynette: "Tom..."
Tom: "I'm the caddy husband. I carry your clubs."
Lynette: "I am so sorry you feel that way, but you cannot put that on me. This is your life. You wanna run it? Then step on up. You wanna drive? Grab the steering wheel. I mean, what else am I supposed to say?"
Tom: "I'm gonna check on the kids."

Tom walks out. Lynette lies down.

Hospital Room

Nurse Hisel walks into Susan's room.

Nurse Hisel: "Time to check your blood pressure."
Susan: "Oh, sure. Oh, that's a little tight. Does it have to be that tight?"
Nurse Hisel: "Yes."
Susan: "Oh. Okay. Ow, ow. That's actually starting to be painful."
Nurse Hisel: "Really? That surprises me. I just assumed you were dead inside."
Susan: "Ow! Ow!"

Susan rips the cuff off and jumps out of bed.

Susan: "What the hell are you doing?"
Nurse Hisel: "I told myself to stay out of this, but I can't. I know that you're married."
Susan: "I am not!"
Nurse Hisel: "Really? Hmm, 'cause that man that came to see you yesterday, he said you're his wife."
Susan: "Oh! Yeah, oh, no, no, he just said that 'cause we used to be married. It's just a force of habit."
Nurse Hisel: "Oh, that explains everything. Except that I checked your insurance forms and you're still married. So that makes you a lying, adulterous skank."

Nurse Hisel walks out of the room. Susan tries to follow but is connected to the I.V.

Susan: "Oh, no. No, no. No, no, Nurse Hisel. Ow, ow, ow, ow! Ow."

Susan rips the tube from the IV sack. Liquid pours out.

Susan: "Nurse Hisel! Ugh! Nurse, oh!"

Susan is still connected to a monitor. She rips out the plug, picks up the monitor and runs after the nurse.

Susan: "Nurse Hisel, I can explain."
Nurse Hisel: "Can you, skank?"
Susan: "Yes. Okay. I am married, but it's only because my insurance ran out. My ex-husband has a really good coverage plan, so he said that he would remarry me so I could get my operation. Only I didn't wanna tell Dr. Ron 'cause I didn't want him to be an accomplice to fraud."
Nurse Hisel: "So you're what? Protecting him?"
Susan: "Yeah. It, yes, I am."
Nurse Hisel: "Okay. As long as you're not two-timing him. He feels so strongly about you."
Susan: "I know. I read the card."
Nurse Hisel: "But did you read between the lines?"
Susan: "What do you mean?"
Nurse Hisel: "Okay, I shouldn't be telling you this, but when we were picking out the flowers for you, he said that he was working up the courage to say he loves you."
Susan: "Really?"
Nurse Hisel: "Yes! But you have to act surprised, okay?"
Susan: "Oh, yeah, I'll be surprised. So, I guess we have the whole insurance thing worked out."
Nurse Hisel: "Oh! Don't worry about that. Please. Who am I to cast stones? I mean, heck, I didn't pass my nurse's exam. They didn't even ask me!"

Bree's House

Bree comes downstairs to find a man in the living room.

Bree: "Andrew, did I hear the bell? Oh, hello."
Samuel: "I'm Samuel Bormanis. I'm here to see Andrew."
Bree: "Oh, okay. Are you a friend of Andrew's?"
Samuel: "I'm his lawyer."
Bree: "His lawyer? Well, why on Earth would Andrew need a lawyer?"

Andrew enters the room. His face has several bruises on it.

Andrew: "Here you go, Sam."
Bree: "Honey, what happened to, to your face?"
Andrew: "You hit me. Don't you remember?"

Bree's Dining Room

They are all sitting around the table.

Bree: "For the record, I did not punch my son. I slapped him with an open palm."
Andrew: "Yeah, but, mom, the thing is, when you drink, you don't know your own strength."
Bree: "This is ridiculous. Can't you see this is a performance?"
Samuel: "Mrs. Van de Kamp, I've heard enough. Clearly, this environment is a highly dysfunctional one. Andrew has retained my services in order to pursue a healthier living situation."
Bree: "And what might that be?"
Andrew: "I, um, I wanna be emancipated."
Bree: "Emancipated?"
Samuel: "As an emancipated minor, Andrew would be able to live on his own. He'd still go to school, of course, but he'd be released from all adult supervision."
Bree: "Well, that's the silliest thing I've ever heard of. How would he support himself?"
Samuel: "Well, he'd be in complete control of his own finances."
Bree: "So that's what this is about? Your trust fund?"
Samuel: "Obviously, we'd all prefer not to go to family court, but with the violence and your D.U.I. charge, it could get ugly."
Bree: "Uh, Mr. Bormanis, I'll need a little time to think about this."
Samuel: "You have twenty-four hours."

Adoption Agency

Carlos and Gabrielle are looking through a photo album. The pictures are of them playing with the Scavo kids.

Carlos: "Boy, it really looks like we're having a good time. I sure hope this works."
Gabrielle: "As long as they don't make me play guitar, I think we're home free."
Secretary: "Mr. And Mrs. Solis, Rhoda can see you now."

As they go into Rhoda's office, Helen Rowland, John's mother, comes out of the office next to Rhoda. She watches as they go into Rhoda's office.

Rhoda's Office

Rhoda is looking through the photo album.

Rhoda: "Wow! It looks like you spend lots of time with these kids."
Carlos: "Oh, we take our roles as godparents very seriously. Don't we, honey?"
Gabrielle: "Mm-hmm. Yes."
Rhoda: "Oh, they're precious. What are their names?"
Gabrielle: "Parker and, uh, Porter, uh, and, uh, well, they're all P's. It is super cute."

Helen stands in the doorway.

Rhoda: "One sec. Do you need me, Helen?"

Helen walks into the room.

Helen: "Hello, Gabrielle. Carlos. I didn't know you were adopting."
Gabrielle: "Preston! The other one's name is Preston."
Carlos: "Helen, you work here?"
Rhoda: "You all know each other? What a small world."
Helen: "It sure is. Mrs. Solis hired my son to do her yard work. And also, she would rape him."
Gabrielle: "Okay, first of all it was statutory and it happened so long ago."
Helen: "Was it? I think it was only about a year ago. No, it was a year, because it was right before your husband went to prison on slave labor charges."

Helen picks up the Solis file from Rhoda's desk.

Helen: "Rhoda, if you don't mind, I think I'll handle the Solis case myself. I'd like to make it my top priority."
Rhoda: "Okay."
Helen: "Oh, and, um, Gabrielle, don't bother trying to contact any other adoption agencies in the area. I'll make sure they know all about you."

Hospital Room

Lynette is visiting Susan.

Susan: "I think I have to break up with Dr. Ron."
Lynette: "What? Why?"
Susan: "Because he's a gem. And apparently he loves me."
Lynette: "I'm sorry. I'm not following."
Susan: "Lynette, he is everything I could possibly want in a boyfriend, and I just don't know if I feel that spark. You know, and I really want to."
Lynette: "Aw, sweetie."
Susan: "And he keeps telling me how special I am and how much I mean to him, how he wants to hold my beating heart in his hand.
Lynette: "Ew."
Susan: "Mmm. Maybe it's because I just haven't felt that thunderbolt yet. You know, with Mike, it hit me. With Karl, it hit me. I didn't have to worry about how I felt because the thunderbolt told me."
Lynette: "Yeah, yeah. Gotta love the thunderbolt."
Susan: "Do I, though? I mean, I do. But I don't trust it anymore. You know, those relationships turned out to be disasters. Maybe I should stick it out with Dr. Ron and I should try heading down a road that's growing and slower into a sort of kind of love that would sustain itself for fifty years. Right? Stability, comfort, endurance. I deserve that."
Lynette: "Oh, yes! Of course you do. Still, you gotta love the thunderbolt."
Susan: "That's not helpful."
Lynette: "Sorry."

Gabrielle's House - Nighttime

Carlos: "Ah, this is a sign."
Gabrielle: "Will you shut up?"
Carlos: "We lost a baby, found out we can't conceive another one, and ran into Helen Rowland at an adoption agency. God is obviously trying to tell us something."
Gabrielle: "Carlos, we're Catholics, okay? God is pretty Johnny One Note on the whole subject of procreation. Hey, and will you stop with this defeatist attitude? Okay, do you want a baby or not?"
Carlos: "I think it's time that we faced reality. We're bad people and we probably don't even deserve to be parents."
Gabrielle: "Well, then who the hell does? I mean, look at all the idiots popping out kids. Okay, they're not any more qualified than we are."
Carlos: "I don't know."
Gabrielle: "Look, Carlos. It doesn't matter what we've done in our past. Being a parent means rising to the occasion, and that's exactly what we're gonna do when we bring our baby home."
Carlos: "This is the first time I really felt like you wanted to have a baby."
Gabrielle: "Well, this is the first time someone told me I couldn't have one."
Carlos: "Okay, so what are we gonna do? I mean, no adoption agency is gonna touch us now."
Gabrielle: "There are ways to get babies, Carlos. It just might cost us."

Mary Alice's House - Nighttime

Mike: "I have some contacts in the police department. I've been making calls, but I can't seem to get a straight answer about your dad."
Zach: "I don't understand. How do they just lose somebody?"
Mike: "They don't, not by accident. But I don't think what happened to your dad was an accident."
Zach: "What's that supposed to mean?"

The doorbell rings. Zach rushes toward the door.

Mike: "Zach!"

Zach: "Mrs. Tilman."
Felicia: "Hello, Zachary. You look terrible. Oh, Mr. Delfino. Isn't this just a picture?"
Mike: "Felicia, why are you here?"
Felicia: "Young Zachary and I didn't exactly part on the best of terms."

She turns her head and her neck cracks.

Felicia: "In fact, when the weather's damp, I'm still reminded of our last good-bye. But forgive and forget. That's my motto. Macaroon?"

A police car pulls up in front of the Young house. A battered Paul gets out. Felicia looks shocked.

Flashback - Police Van

The two prisoners are fighting with Paul. Paul begins fighting back. A uniformed officer runs to the van and opens the door. Paul and one of the guys fall out.

Present Day - Outside Mary Alice's House

Zach runs out and hugs his father. Felicia stares at Paul in shock.

Zach: "Dad! You all right?"

Paul and Zach walk back to the house. Paul takes a macaroon from Felicia's tray.

Paul: "Now how did you know I love macaroons?"

Paul's Living Room

Mike: "It won't end here, you know. Noah Taylor doesn't give up."
Paul: "Don't worry about us. We'll be gone by morning."
Mike: "No, it's too late for that now. I guarantee he's got people watching you."
Paul: "What is it with you anyway? First, you want me to run. Now you want us to stick around like sitting ducks for this maniac."
Mike: "Go ahead. Run. Noah's got the cops in his pocket. What do you think it's gonna happen the first time you try to buy gas with a credit card or open a new bank account?"
Paul: "So, I'm a dead man."
Mike: "Maybe not. Not if we use what leverage we have."
Paul: "No way."
Mike: "The old man's gonna be dead in a couple of months, maybe less. Let him meet Zach, play the doting grandfather."
Paul: "I said forget it."

Zach, on the stairs, overhears them and comes down.

Zach: "I'll do it. If it means he'll leave us alone, I'm ready to be leveraged."

Advertising Agency

Lynette and Tom are in the elevator.

Lynette: "Nicholson will be coming in in about fifteen minutes with a pitch, so let's grab everybody and make sure we're all on the same page."

The elevator door opens and Lynette starts to walk out, but Tom grabs her arm and pulls her back in.

Tom: "Hang on a second."

He pushes the 'stop' button on the elevator.

Lynette: "What's going on?"
Tom: "I need to say this."
Lynette: "Ah, yeah..."
Tom: "I have been giving you a lot of grief lately about being the boss. But it's just hard for a guy to feel like he's not in charge of any part of his life."
Lynette: "But, honey, it goes back and forth."
Tom: "I know. But it just feels a little one-sided lately and sometimes I need to drive the train. But, look, I know it is my issue. It's my issue and I will step up and deal with it."

Tom begins to kiss Lynette passionately. He starts undressing Lynette.

Lynette: "Mmm. Whoa. Hello. What's going on, huh?"
Tom: "Picking up where we left off. Last night."
Lynette: "Oh, I get it. I get it. Ooh! This is your idea of driving the train. And it's very manly and really impressive, but it's really, really bad timing. You can't be serious. Mmm. We're gonna, we're gonna be late."
Tom: "Yeah, we are going to be late."
Lynette: "Okay."

Attorney's Office

Attorney: "There is nothing more important than family. And I think it's so unfair some are denied their god-given right to parent just because of a few sordid incidents in their past. Now I may have to explore some unconventional paths to find your child. I might even have to take action some might view as unsavory. But before I do, I need proof that the two of you are prepared to face the challenges ahead."

Gabrielle pulls a check out of her purse and hands it to him.

Gabrielle: "Twenty-thousand dollars. Is that proof enough for you?"
Attorney: "Yes, it is."

Noah's House

A nurse leads Mike and Zach in to see Noah.

Noah: "Nice to meet you, young man."
Zach: "I'm not gonna hug you. I don't care if you are my grandfather."
Noah: "Ah. That's okay. Hugging's not really my thing. Mike, could you wait outside? I'd like to be alone with Zachary."
Mike: "Not a chance."
Zach: "Just curious, why was it so important you see me?"
Noah: "You're my grandson, my flesh and blood. Isn't it only natural I'd want a relationship with you?"
Zach: "What kind of relationship can we have when I know you tried to kill my dad?"
Noah: "Surely, you can understand the rage I must feel towards your father."
Zach: "Go ahead. Feel all the rage you wanna feel. But if anything happens to him, I swear to god you are never gonna see me again."
Noah: "You only met me two minutes ago, and here you are, already blackmailing me. I couldn't be prouder."
Zach: "I'm serious. I want you to swear you're not gonna do anything to my dad."
Noah: "Which dad? You have two of 'em."

Zach pauses.

Zach: "You know who I'm talking about. My dad, the man who raised me, the only man I'm ever gonna care about. So swear."
Noah: "I swear. Well, now that the ground rules have been set, who's up for some meaningless small talk?"

Zach looks at Mike, who turns away.

Hospital Waiting Room

Karl is sitting reading the paper. Mike walks in with flowers.

Karl: "Well, if it isn't the plumber. You here to see Susan?"
Mike: "Uh, yeah, I just wanted to talk to her before her operation."
Karl: "You're cutting it kinda close. She's just about to be wheeled into surgery. You know, she's dating her surgeon."
Mike: "Yeah, she told me. You met him?"
Karl: "Yeah. He's, like, six years old. Those for her?"
Mike: "Yeah. The florist was having a sale on lilacs."
Karl: "Dr. Ron just bought her the biggest bouquet of roses you've ever seen. It was disgusting. And the note that went with it made my teeth hurt, it was so saccharin. He used words like soul mate and eternity. I almost puked in the vase."
Mike: "What'd Susan think about that?"
Karl: "She seemed to be really into it."

Susan is being wheeled out of her room on a gurney. She sees Mike in the waiting room.

Susan (groggy): "Mike! Oh, wait, stop! Go back! Stop! Stop a second. Hey! What are you doing here?"
Mike: "I just, uh, wanted to wish you luck before your surgery."
Susan: "Aw, that's so sweet. You came all the way down here just for me."
Mike: "Yep. That's why I came."
Susan: "Oh, it means a lot to me that you came."
Mike: "Well, you take care, Susan."
Susan: "Okay. Bye."

They wheel Susan away.

Karl: "You forgot to give her your flowers."
Mike: "Ah, it's no big deal."

Operating Room

Dr. Ron: "Hi, Susan. How are those drugs working for you? You feeling good?"
Susan: "Super-duper. How you feeling?"
Dr. Ron: "Well, um, you know I want you to know, what I said the other day, that corny stuff about me holding your heart in my hands, well, what I meant to say was, my feelings for you, they keep growing, and, uh, I think, well, I hope that you feel the same way about me. Ah, hell, Susan. I love you."
Susan: "Aw, thank you. I love Mike."
Dr. Ron: "Mike? Susan, who's Mike?"
Susan: "Mike is love."
Dr. Ron: "Who the hell is Mike?"
Nurse Hisel: "I don't know, but she's married to a guy named Karl. I'm so, so sorry. I should've told you, Dr. Ron."
Susan: "Mmm, Mike, Mike, Mike..."
Nurse Hisel: "Oh, why are you always falling in love with skanks? You beautiful, beautiful man!"

As she runs from the room crying, Dr Cunningham walks in.

Dr. Cunningham: "Okay, ready to go here?"
Dr. Ron: "Yeah. Sure. Let's cut this bitch open."

Bree's Kitchen

Bree is emptying bottles of wine into the sink.

Andrew: "What are you doing?"
Bree: "Your lawyer left a message on my machine. It seems we have a hearing in four weeks and I wanna be ready."
Andrew: "Oh, I get it. So, uh, so you're gonna pretend to be sober for the judge?"
Bree: "Oh, there's no pretending. I am going to my first A.A. meeting tomorrow. Of course, I picked one in the worst part of town so I won't run into anybody I know. Which, of course, means I will."
Andrew: "All right, so what is that gonna prove?"
Bree: "Perception is reality, Andrew. And if people perceive me to have a drinking problem, then I do. And I certainly don't want some idiotic judge using my hobby as an excuse to make you rich. So I'm simply going to give up my wine and become a recovering alcoholic."
Andrew: "Good plan, but it'll never work. See, I'll bet you still end up coming to court hammered."
Bree: "Oh, Andrew, you don't think I love you enough to give up alcohol?"
Andrew: "Look, I'm seventeen, all right? So, you can only keep me here for another year. Why not just let me go?"
Bree: "Because I'm not done with you yet. It's my job to teach you and you are not half the man I know you can be."
Andrew: "Yeah, well, I got news for you. This is as good as I'm gonna get."
Bree: "If I really thought that, I'd get a gun right now and kill us both."
Andrew: "Mom, we're both so unhappy. Why not just let me take my trust fund and I'll get out of your hair forever? Please."

Bree shakes her head no.

Andrew: "You're a stone cold bitch, you know that?"

He turns and walks out. Bree throws a bottle of wine at the refrigerator where it shatters. Andrew turns around, looking shocked.

Bree: "I'm sorry. I didn't quite catch that."
Andrew: "I hate you."
Bree: "You know, the opposite of love isn't hate. It's indifference. And if you hate me, that means you still care and we're still connected and I still have a chance to set you right."

Andrew walks out of the room.

"This is how Bree van de Kamp finally came to change her weekly routine."

Bree takes a dustpan and broom and sweeps up the glass.

"She still cleaned on Tuesdays..."

Bree's Dining Room

Bree is at her dining room table paying her bills.

"...paid her bills on Wednesdays..."

Bree's Laundry Room

Bree picks up a laundry basket full of clothes.

"...and did her laundry on Thursdays."

Outside Bree's House

Bree gets into her car.

"But her Fridays were now reserved for a meeting."

Room

Bree sits in a circle with a group of people in a large room.

"A special meeting where she stood in front of people she didn't know..."

Bree: "My name is Bree and I am an alcoholic."

"...and said things she didn't believe."

Bree's House

Bree moves some boxes on a high shelf and takes a hidden bottle of wine down. She pours a glass and drinks.

"And afterwards, Bree would come home and reward herself on the completion of another successful week."

~ The End ~

This transcript was compiled and completed on April 2, 2006 by Amanda (desperate_housewives at yahoo dot com) and Lucy.
Last Update: April 2, 2006

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