This was typed by Lucy, Foxhidden, and Amanda, mere humans, and mistakes are possible. If you find any, no matter how trivial, please let me know. (desperate_housewives at yahoo dot com)

In the interest of finishing the transcripts faster, screen caps will no longer be placed on the transcripts. You can find screen caps at the following websites:
Desperate Housewives
Wisteria Lane
The Suburbs

If you know of any other screen caps sites, please e-mail them to me: (desperate_housewives at yahoo dot com)

Guest stars
"Andrew Van de Kamp" - Shawn Pyfrom
"Danielle Van de Kamp" - Joy Lauren
"Matthew Applewhite" - Mehcad Brooks
"Preston Scavo" - Brent Kinsman
"Porter Scavo" - Shane Kinsman
"Parker Scavo" - Zane Huett
"Caleb" - Nashawn Kearse
"Felicia Tilman" - Harriet Sansom Harris
"Ed Ferrara" - Currie Graham
"Noah Taylor" - Bob Gunton
"Dr. Ron McCreadie" - Jay Harrington
"Detective Sullivan" - Nick Chinlund
"Xiao Mei" - Gwendoline Yeo
"Gary Grantham" - Carlos Jacott
"Steven" - Michael McDonald
"Maxine Bennett" - Jane Lynch
"Father Crowley" - Jeff Doucette
"Tish" - Jill Brennan
"FBI Agent #2" - Jim Cantafio
"Pat Ziegler" - Carol Mansell
"Dr. Cunningham" - Tim Monsion
"Justice of Peace" - Joe Ochman
"FBI Agent #1" - Andrew Ware

Written by: Tom Spezialy
Directed by: Robert Duncan McNeill

Maxine Bennett's House - Daytime

Maxine opens her front door, greeting several ladies.

"Once a month, the crème de la crème of Fairview society would attend a semi-formal luncheon at the home of Maxine Bennett."

Maxine's Dining Room

Women sit at the formally set table and several women standing around talking.

"Everyone loved these elegant get-togethers. Everyone, that is, but a certain red-headed housewife who was convinced Maxine was a liar."

Bree stares suspiciously as Maxine brings in individual plates and sets one in front of Bree.

"You see, Maxine liked to brag that she did all her own cooking and because each course was served promptly..."

Another plate is set in front of Bree.

"...presented with flair..."

Guests: "Smells delicious."

"...and was positively mouth-watering, Bree knew that Maxine had had some help."

Another beautiful plate is set in front of Bree.

"And sadly for Maxine, Bree intended to prove it."

Bree: "Maxine, once again this entire lunch is just out of this world. I just have to get the number of your caterer."
Maxine: "What a nice compliment. No, I’m afraid this is all my doing."
Lady #1: "It was a triumph, an absolute triumph."
Bree: "Oh come on, do you honestly expect us to believe that you had the time to prepare a six-course meal for ten women? Even I couldn’t make this and have time to get ready for a party."
Maxine: "Well, perhaps you’re just not as organized as I am. If you’ll excuse me."
Lady #1: "Bree, what’s gotten into you?"
Bree: "I have the same recipe for English Plum Pudding. It takes six hours to prepare. How could she have time to make all of this and everything else that we ate today? This is not the pudding of an honest woman."

There's banging on the front door.

Man: "FBI, open up!"
Bree: "What on earth?"

One of the ladies gets up and rushes to the door. Maxine comes out of the kitchen. When the front door is opened, four FBI agents enter. As Agent #1 enters the dining room, several other agents swarm into the other parts of the house.

Agent #1: "We’re looking for a Maxine Bennett."
Maxine: "I’m Maxine."
Agent #1: "We have a warrant to search the premises, ma’am."
Maxine: "A warrant? I’m in the middle of a luncheon."

One of the agents approaches a door with a lock on it.

Agent #2: "Over here."

He kicks the door down. Inside is a table filled with beautifully made pastries and cakes. A young Asian girl is working diligently on the cakes.

Agent #3 (into a walkie-talkie): "Found her."

The agent escorts the young Asian girl out into the dining room.

Agent #1: "Maxine Bennett, you're under arrest for involuntary servitude."

Bree and the lady next to her appear to be in shock.

Agent #4 (to the Asian girl): "Is this the woman that locked you up?"

The girl nods and begins to speak in Chinese.

Maxine, in handcuffs, begins screaming in Chinese, cursing at the young girl.

The agents escort them both out.

Lady #1: "Bree, what’s going on?"
Bree: "Well, I’m not sure, but I think Maxine had a slave."
Lady #1: "I can’t believe it. I just can’t believe it!"

Bree picks up her fork and continues eating.

"But Bree could. You see for her, the proof was in the pudding."

Bree eats and smiles.

Opening Credits

Wisteria Lane Park - Daytime

A young boy and an elderly man are playing chess.

Boy: "Checkmate."

"The world is filled with unlikely friendships."

Man: "Ah. Terrific!"

The elderly man musses the young boy’s hair affectionately.

Wisteria Lane - Daytime

The mailman is petting a dog. The dog is licking the mailman.

"Odd pairings that to the casual observer..."

Wisteria Lane Park - Daytime

A woman in a beautiful suit is sitting having tea next to a heavily tattooed man in his undershirt having a beer.

"...make absolutely no sense at all. But if you look closer..."

Wisteria Lane - Daytime

The street above Susan’s home. Susan and Edie are walking very quickly across the street.

"...we can see why these alliances form. After all, a shared purpose can give even mortal enemies common ground."

Susan and Edie walk very quickly to Bree who gets out of her car and begins unloading groceries.

Susan: "Bree. We have a questions for you."
Bree: "Oh, what is it?"
Susan: "Well, we were just wondering actually, we were curious about, uh..."
Edie: "What the hell is going on with you and Betty Applewhite?"
Susan: "Yeah, that."
Bree: "Excuse me?"
Edie: "Well from the day that dead body showed up nobody was yelling, ‘Oh, the Applewhites are involved,’ louder than you. And then the next thing we know you are having Betty over for poker? What gives?"
Susan: "She makes it sound like we’re angry and we’re not angry."
Edie: "I’m a little angry."
Bree: "Can we talk about this later? I, I have ice cream in here."

Bree begins walking away.

Edie: "Bree, could this flip-flop have something to do with the fact that Danielle is dating Matthew?"

Bree stops and turns toward them.

Edie (to Susan): "Knew that would get her."
Bree: "Who told you that?"
Edie: "Mrs. McCluskey. She saw them making out in the park."
Susan: "Edie!"
Edie: "What?"
Susan: "Can’t you sugar coat it a little?"
Edie: "I did! He had his hand down her shirt."
Susan: "Bree, we know that you have a good reason for wanting Betty to hang out with us. We just wondered if you could clue us in a little."
Bree: "When it comes to Betty Applewhite, I know what I’m doing. And you two are just gonna have to trust me. And if you can’t do that, then perhaps I’ve overestimated the depths of our friendship. Now if you’ll excuse me."

Bree stomps away.

Edie: "What a bitch!"
Susan: "Edie, can you...?"
Edie: "I was sugar coating it!"

Advertising Agency

Tom enters, carrying several large advertising campaign boards. He sees Lynette, walks up behind her, and kisses her neck.

Lynette: "Oh! Hey, none of that in here!"
Tom: "Come on, maybe if we remind Ed that I’m shacking up with the Senior V.P., they’ll stop killing all my pitches."
Lynette: "You’ve only been here a week, why don’t you give yourself a break?"
Tom: "Honey, you know the ad game. I’ve only got a certain amount of time to make my mark before he kicks me to the curb! Look, I’m just asking you to jump in once in a while, throw me some rope. You know when Ed’s on the warpath."
Lynette: "I can’t protect you. You’re gonna have to find a way to click with Ed yourself."

Conference Room

Tom is presenting his campaign to the staff.

Tom: "And then the pig, he rubs his stomach and he goes, ‘Snort, snort. Farm Fresh, buddy, will make a piggy out of you, too.'"

Lynette laughs politely. Ed frowns.

Ed: "So, the pig actually eats the bacon?"
Tom: "Uh huh, yeah."
Ed: "I don’t see the client doing a happy dance over the whole cannibalism theme."
Lynette: "Well, Tom, why don’t you pitch him the other idea you came up with last night? You know the one people love bacon so much they want to keep it a secret."
Ed: "What, like a secret underground society of bacon eaters?"
Tom: "Well, at my college fraternity where, you know, everybody wanted in, but we only took the coolest guys."
Ed: "What, you were Greek?"
Tom: "Yeah, Alpha Tai Omega."
Ed: "I was Phi Kappa."
Tom: "You?"
Ed: "And I don’t remember you having to be that cool to play JTL."
Tom: "Look, if I had a nickel for every Phi Kap that I tied naked to a freeway sign..."
Ed: "Scavo, if you were my pledge, I'd have made you my bitch."
Tom: "Oh you think so?"
Ed: "You know what? I’m liking this whole fraternity angle. Yeah! Let’s talk about it over lunch. You’re buying."

Ed gets up and leaves the room. Tom looks at Lynette, who smiles at him.

Lynette: "Go!"

Gabrielle's Front Yard - Daytime

Carlos and Father Crowley are standing on the lawn talking as Gabrielle drives into her driveway.

Father Crowley: "Thank for your help."
Carlos: "Ah, anytime."

Gabrielle walks up to them.

Gabrielle: "Hello. What’s going on?"
Father Crowley: "Gabrielle, I want you to meet someone. This is Xiao Mei."
Carlos: "She’s the young lady who was forced to work for Maxine Bennett."
Gabrielle: "Oh, the slave. Wow, looks well-fed."
Father Crowley: "The church is making arrangements for her to return to China, but until then she needs a place to stay."
Carlos: "So I offered up our guest room."
Gabrielle: "Really! Baby, can I talk to you for a second?"

Gabrielle pulls Carlos away from them.

Gabrielle: "Are you nuts?"
Carlos: "It’s only for a couple of days."
Gabrielle: "Oh, this time! You are quickly becoming Father Crowley’s go-to guy for charity cases."
Carlos: "And that’s a bad thing?"
Gabrielle: "When he turns our house into a Catholic underground railroad, yes."
Carlos: "You know who you are, Gaby? You’re the kind of person who would have turned away Mary and Joseph from the inn."
Gabrielle: "Well, they should have called ahead."

Gabrielle gets back into her car and drives away.

Bree's Dining Room

Danielle is sitting at the table, combing her hair. Bree walks in with plates of food.

Bree: "Don’t brush your hair at the table."
Danielle: "Are you talking to me? Does this mean you’ve finally forgiven me?"
Bree: "Why should I? You betrayed this family and you're not even sorry."
Danielle: "Don’t be such a drama queen."

Bree grabs the brush from Danielle.

Bree: "If the Applewhites go to the police and tell them that your brother ran over Mrs. Solis, he could go to prison. How can you not understand that?"
Danielle: "They won’t talk about Andrew as long as you don’t go to the police about Caleb."
Bree: "What does Caleb do exactly? And why on earth are they hiding him?"
Danielle: "Why don’t you go to Mrs. Applewhite and tell her you really need to know what’s going on? I bet if you were really nice, she'd tell you the truth."
Bree: "Is that what you really think Danielle? I should go to Mrs. Applewhite, be nice, and then she’ll hand over all her secrets?"
Danielle: "Yeah."
Bree: "When I was young, my stepmother told me that I very lucky. I possessed beauty, wit, cunning, and insight. These were weapons all women needed to survive in the world."
Danielle: "So?"
Bree: "So take good care of your looks, Danielle. You don’t have any other weapons at your disposal."

Bree hands the brush back to Danielle.

Edie's House

Susan is knocking at the front door. Karl answers.

Susan: "Hi. I need an operation on my spleen and I just found out I don’t have medical insurance. Is there anyone I can sue?"

Edie's Living Room

Susan: "After the embezzlement, Lonnie let the policy lapse and now he’s in jail and I’m going to die."
Karl: "Suzy, you’re not going to die. I’ll get into it with the insurance company."
Susan: "No, there isn’t time for you to deal with the red tape. My spleen is going to go careening into my heart. I need that operation now!"

Edie enters the room.

Karl: "Yeah, I’d loan you the money myself, but Edie and I just plopped down our savings on a ski condo."
Susan: "I don’t need a loan. I need coverage. I mean, what if there are complications? I don’t have a safety net. Oh, please."
Edie: "What in the hell are you doing?"
Susan: "I’m saying a little prayer."
Edie: "Oh for puke’s sake."
Susan: "Well, what? I’m desperate here. Do you have any other ideas?"
Edie: "As a matter of fact, I do. What you need is a husband."
Susan: "What?"
Edie: "The only way to get a good health plan is to marry into one."
Karl: "Edie, come on."
Susan: "No, no. I think she’s onto something."
Edie: "Yeah, if we find a guy with the right plan, you could have a sham wedding on a Monday night and be fully covered Tuesday morning."
Karl: "I can’t believe you are actually considering this."
Susan: "The surgeon is slicing me open a week from tomorrow. What other choice do I have?"
Edie: "All we have to do is find a guy who is willing to marry you. You know, come to think of it, a little prayer might not be such a bad idea after all."

Advertising Agency

The staff is sitting around the conference table. Lynette speaks into the intercom.

Lynette: "Pat, we're all here. So send the call in as soon as you get it."

Tom is tossing M&Ms into the air and catching them in his mouth.

Ed: "Two hundred bucks says you can't do that three times in a row."
Tom: "Huh?"
Ed: "You catch three of those, two hundred bucks. What do you say there, Scavo?"
Tom: "You're on."

Tom grabs three M&Ms and gets ready to toss them.

Tom: "Here we go."
Ed: "Ah-ah-ah-ah! Thrown by me."
Lynette: "I'm sorry, I thought we were here to talk about the farm fresh rollout?"
Tom (to Ed): "They gotta be catchable, big guy."
Ed: "You just let me worry about the shooting."

Tom and Ed stand at either end of the table.

Tom: "Come on."

Ed tosses one and Tom catches it in his mouth.

Tom: "That's one."
Lynette: "Guys..."

Ed tosses to the side, Tom moves over, and catches it.

Ed: "Oh! Nice moves."
Tom: "One more, big guy."
Lynette: "Guys, please, that's...all right."

Ed throws the last candy hard and hits Tom in the face.

Tom: "Ow!"
Coworker: "Oh!"

Everyone but Lynette laughs.

Tom: "Ow, that wasn't even catchable!"
Ed: "Yeah, well, maybe not, but it's totally worth the two hundred bucks."

Ed hands Tom the money and rubs the top of his head.

Ed: "Woo!"
Tom: "Well, you got me."
Ed: "You're a regular little monkey man! Oh, I love this guy."

Gabrielle's House

Gabrielle enters. Xiao Mei is sitting at the table, sewing.

Gabrielle: "Oh. hi. Do you have to sit around all day? I mean, shouldn't you be out experiencing western civilization while you have the chance? What are you doing?"
Xiao Mei: "I fix."
Gabrielle: "No, this is couture! This rip has to be fixed by an experienced tailor. You can't just...holy crap! This stitching is perfect!"
Xiao Mei: "Hungry?"

Xiao Mei pulls Gabrielle into the kitchen. The counter is full of food.

Gabrielle: "Did you make all of this? Oh! For me? Okay."

She takes a puff off of the plate that Xiao Mei is holding in front of her.

Gabrielle: "Oh, my god!"
Xiao Mei: "You like?"
Gabrielle: "I like a lot."

Gabrielle's Bedroom

Gabrielle is eating off a plate when Carlos climbs on the bed behind her and kisses her.

Carlos: "You like that?"
Gabrielle: "Yeah, that's nice. Do you know what they do to people in China who speak out against the government?"

Carlos contiunes kissing Gabrielle.

Carlos: "Mmm?"
Gabrielle: "They put them in forced labor camps. Isn't that awful?"

Carlos takes the plate from Gabrielle and puts it aside.

Carlos: "Mm hmm."
Gabrielle: "You know what I mean? It's such a repressive regime. We forget how good we have it."

Carlos kisses Gabrielle and begins undressing her.

Carlos: "Yes, we do."
Gabrielle: "Don't you think Xiao Mei would like it better here in America? I mean, where she could learn about freedom and democracy and stuff?"
Carlos: "Does this have anything to do with you making Xiao Mei do housework?"
Gabrielle: "What?"
Carlos: "I just came from downstairs and found her waxing the floor. She told me you asked her to put on two coats."
Gabrielle: "Well, first of all, that was her idea. Second of all, I can't have this conversation until you've tasted her crab puffs."
Carlos: "Hmm."

Gabrielle begins kissing and undressing Carlos.

Carlos: "Mmm. She just got done being a slave. I mean, she wants to go back to China and we can't force her to stay here and be our maid."
Gabrielle: "Well, who's forcing her? We'll pay her whatever she wants. And the best part is, with her resumé, any wage would look good."
Carlos: "No way, baby."
Gabrielle: "Hmm."
Carlos: "What?"

Carlos reaches for Gabrielle and she slaps his hand and walks away from him.

Carlos: "What, so you don't get what you want, you just walk off and pout?"
Gabrielle: "Oh, this isn't about me. This is about our great nation and I have no intention of sexually satisfying a man who isn't willing to stand up for and help spread the ideals and values of the United States of America."

Diner

Edie is sitting with a nice looking man.

Edie: "Sometimes she is a little hard to stomach, but she means well."
Gary: "That's, that’s..."
Susan: "Hi!"
Edie: "Oh, here she is."
Susan: "I came as soon as I got your message. Is this...?"
Edie: "This is Gary Grantham, your future ex-husband."
Susan: "Wow, nice to meet you."
Gary: "Hi."
Edie: "Okay, listen, um, I've got to meet a client. I've got to go, so just talk amongst yourselves, and you two make a very handsome couple."
Susan: "Oh."
Gary: "Yeah. Uh, hi."
Susan: "Hi."
Gary: "So, do you wanna get married on Wednesday? 'Cause Thursday and Friday I'm out of town."
Susan: "Oh! Oh, yeah sure, that's, Wednesday's great. Well, I'm, I'm just curious. How did Edie convince you to do this so quickly?"
Gary: "Well, she explained your situation to me. I'm sort of in need of a fake bride myself, so I figured, what the heck?"
Susan: "Why would you need a fake bride?"
Gary: "I'm gay and I've never come out to my mother."
Susan: "Really?"
Gary: "Yeah. At first, I just didn't want to upset her. Then she got older, she got emphysema and diverticulitis, and I started thinking, if I just kept my mouth shut, then one day nature would take its course and we could avoid what is sure to be a very ugly scene."
Susan: "So what changed?"
Gary: "She told me at her eighty-first birthday party last month the only reason she's hanging on is to see me get married."
Susan: "Oh. Oh, so by marrying me..."
Gary: "Yeah, I'd get my inheritance that much sooner. No, but mostly, I wanna make sure she's happy. Well, you seem very nice, Susan. Uh, it will be a pleasure being married to you."
Susan: "Uh, likewise."
Gary: "Here, you can finish the rest of the fries."

He gets up and leaves.

Noah's House

Noah is sitting in a wheelchair reading. Nurse Tilman enters.

Felicia Tilman: "Here's your mail and your pills."
Noah: "Ugh. More pills."

Noah opens a card.

Noah: "Miss Tilman?"
Felicia: "Hmm?"
Noah: "Where did this come from?"
Felicia: "I don't know. It was in with your other mail."

He looks at the card again. It reads "You have a grandchild."

Noah: "Get me the phone." (into the phone) "Sullivan, it's me. I just got some news, and I need to get you involved. Looks like Delfino's been holding out on me."

Wisteria Lane - Daytime

"The next morning, Bree came up with a plan to get to the truth she so desperately needed."

Bree, looking out her window, watches as Betty and Matthew drive away.

"As she watched the Applewhites leave their house, she thought of how much she had trusted the previous owners."

Bree opens her closet. Many keys, neatly labeled, hang on the inside of the door. She takes the key marked "Mullins."

"And how much they had trusted her."

Betty's House

Bree enters the house using the key. She is carrying a few food dishes. She hears a noise on the stairs.

Bree: "Caleb? Is that you?"

Caleb peeks down the stairs.

Bree: "Hi. I'm Bree. I live down the street. I'm a friend of your mother's."
Caleb: "She's not home."
Bree: "I know. Um, I came to see you."
Caleb: "Me?"
Bree: "Yes. Your mother told me all about you and I thought it might be nice if, um, we had a little visit. I brought you some homemade cobbler."

Caleb smiles.

Advertising Agency

Lynette, at her desk, hears cheering and clapping. She gets up to see what is going on.

Tom: "Oh, la, la, la, la, la. Right here. Follow the doughnut, people."

Tom is holding a doughnut with a crowd of people following him.

Tom: "Here we go. We got some people. Come on, come on. Hey, hey!"
Lynette (to Pat): "What's going on?"
Pat: "Well, um, Ed bet Tom that he wouldn't eat doughnut out of the toilet. Isn't it disgusting?"

Bathroom Stall

Tom is standing over the toilet with the crowd and Ed watching.

Ed: "Ah, ah. It's gotta be fully dunked. Now, I don't want the glaze to repel the water."
Tom: "Whoa, slight delay, people. I'm requesting a scrub down. Does anybody know where they keep the toilet brush?"

Lynette grabs Tom and pulls him out.

Lynette: "Just for one second, okay? Just for one second. Hey, I never thought I'd have to ask you this, but are you about to eat a doughnut out of the toilet?"
Tom: "Yeah! For the Galveston Jewelers account."
Lynette: "I don't care! You're not gonna do this!"
Tom: "Look, Lynette, you're the one who told me to find a way to click with Ed. Well, now we've got our thing, and it's paying off for me!"
Lynette: "That's because Ed gets off on humiliating you. Please, don't do this!"

Ed sticks his head out of the bathroom.

Ed: "We're waiting, Scavo!"
Crowd: "Tom, Tom, Tom!"
Ed: "Okay, okay, what now?"
Tom: "This is my moment."

Tom goes back into the bathroom to cheering and clapping.

Betty's Kitchen

Bree is looking at a old photo album as Caleb eats the cobbler.

Bree: "So, Caleb, besides your mother and brother, does anybody else know that you're here?"
Caleb: "No. You're pretty."
Bree: "Thank you. That's very sweet. So, where have you been living this whole time? Upstairs?"
Caleb: "No. I just moved upstairs. My room's downstairs."
Bree: "Downstairs?"
Caleb: "In the basement. You wanna see it?"

Betty's Basement

Caleb opens the door to what used to be his room. Bree goes inside.

Bree: "Caleb, have you been down here all these months?"
Caleb: "Yeah."

She points at the shakles on the bed.

Bree: "Did your mother make you wear those?"
Caleb: "Most of the time."
Bree: "Oh, my god! Sweetheart, I don't understand. Why in the world would your mother treat you that way?"
Caleb: "I hurt a girl."
Bree: "A girl?"
Caleb: "Yeah. And then she died."
Bree: "Oh."
Caleb: "Her name was Melanie. She was pretty. Just like you."

Mike's Driveway - Daytime

Susan walks up as Mike is working on his truck.

Susan: "Hi. I thought you should know I'm getting married."
Mike: "To the doctor?"
Susan: "No! No. No, to, to a gay guy. How did you know about the doctor?"
Mike: "People talk. So you, you're marrying a gay guy?"
Susan: "I need health insurance, um, 'cause I've got this wandering spleen and that sounds funny, "spleen wandering," but, actually, it's not funny 'cause it can bang into things so I need health insurance, so I'm getting married tomorrow. And you probably think I'm crazy, right?"
Mike: "Well, can it wait? Um, the surgery?"
Susan: "No. It can't wait."
Mike: "I guess it's really not that crazy."

A car door slams. Mike turns and see Detective Sullivan approaching.

Detective Sullivan: "How you doing, ma'am?"
Mike: "Susan, can you just give me a minute?"
Susan: "Oh, yeah. No, I'm sorry. That was really it."

Susan walks away.

Mike: "What do you want?"
Detective Sullivan: "It's not what I want, Delfino. It's what Noah Taylor wants. Where's his grandkid? Let's skip the part where you don't know anything about anything. Mr. Taylor wants to chat."
Mike: "What if I say no?"
Detective Sullivan: "Then I've gotta find the kid myself, and my guess is, he or she is somewhere around here close. Your old girlfriend... she's got a daughter, right? Maybe I should start by paying her a visit."
Mike: "Her daughter's not the one."
Detective Sullivan: "Yeah, well, given your track record, I might wanna check that out for myself."
Mike: "Tell him I'll be there in the morning."

Gabrielle's Bedroom

Xiao Mei is combing Gabrielle’s hair. She sees Gabrielle’s open jewelry case.

Xiao Mei: "Oh! So pretty."
Gabrielle: "You like nice things? That's why I think you're stupid, for not wanting to stay here. You could be around my nice things all the time, taking care of them...how fun would that be? Well, I'm sure it's a lot more fun than you'd have in that tiny, godforsaken village of yours. You know, we're probably more alike than people would guess. I'm from a small town, too. My folks had nothing. That's why I love America. Anything is possible."

Xiao Mei looks at a bracelet.

Xiao Mei: "Oh..."
Gabrielle: "Hmm, you like that? An old, fat stockbroker gave this to me. It's not worth anything. You can have it."

Gabrielle puts it on Xiao Mei’s wrist.

Xiao Mei: "Oh! Oh!"

She begins speaking Chinese and hugs Gabrielle.

Gabrielle: "It's okay. Glad you like it. You can brush my hair."
Xiao Mei: "Oh!"

Outside The Wedding Chapel - Daytime

Gary is standing, waiting. A couple come out the door.

Woman: "I loved it!"
Man: "It was nice."

Susan pulls up.

Susan: "Hi."
Gary: "Hi. Hi. Uh, this is the best I could do on such short notice."
Susan: "Okay."

They enter. A man is standing inside, holding a wedding cake.

Gary: "Oh, uh, Susan, this is, uh, my best man, Steven. He's also my life partner."
Susan: "Oh, hi. It's nice to meet you."

Steven stares at Susan.

Gary: "Baby, be, be nice. Come on."
Steven: "I'm sorry you have cancer."
Susan: "Cancer?"
Steven: "Isn't that the point of this whole charade? Gary said you needed insurance."
Susan: "Oh, yes. No, no, I do need insurance. I just don't have cancer. I have a wandering spleen."
Gary: "I said it was like cancer."
Susan: "Is there a problem?"
Gary: "No. No, everything's fine. Uh, let's just go to the chapel. Shall we?"
Steven: "I made a wedding cake. I hope you enjoy it."

He shoves it into Susan’s hands.

Susan: "Oh! Uh..."

Wedding Chapel

Susan and Gary are standing at the altar. Steven is sitting on the bench behind them.

Minister: "So, are we ready to get started?"
Gary: "Oh, do you have a thing to play music? I had Steven burn a little wedding mix for us for ambience."
Minister: "Sure, just, um, give me a sec."
Gary (to Steven): "Do you have a problem?"
Steven: "You said she was sick."
Gary: "She is. She has a wandering spleen."
Steven: "It sounds nothing like cancer. It doesn't even sound real."
Susan: "Well, it is. I could die."
Steven: "You look fine to me, honey."
Gary: "Don't do this."
Steven: "I have asked you six times to fly with me to Holland to get married and you always have some lame excuse. But the second some chick with a silly disease comes along, you drop everything and head for a chapel."
Susan: "Oh, no, it's a serious illness. See, it just sounds silly 'cause of the word spleen."
Gary: "What do you want from me?"
Steven: "I want you to worry about my feelings half as much as you worry about your mother's!"
Gary: "What is it gonna take to make you happy? Not go through with the wedding? Is that what you're asking?"
Susan: "Oh, oh! No, no, stop right there. Okay, I would love to see you two crazy kids get hitched in Holland more than anyone, with the tulips and the clogs in front of a windmill, the whole shebang. But unless I get this surgery, my spleen is going to slam straight into my heart and explode. So, you know, seeing as I am just a nice person and I always support gay rights, let's just do this. And then I'll have a husband and insurance. Nobody gets hurt."

Steven turns and walks out of the chapel.

Gary: "Steven, why, Steven! It's just..."
Susan: "Yeah."
Gary: "I'm so sorry. My hands are tied. I'm really sorry."

Gary chases after Steven.

Gary: "Steven, wait. Steven, where are you going?"
Minister: "Oh, finally got the sound system working. Where's the groom?"

Outside Susan's House

Susan is sitting on the porch, eating the wedding cake that Steven made. Karl approaches.

Karl: "Hey, Susie Q. What's wrong? For a newlywed, you don't have much spring in your step."
Susan: "I didn't get married."
Karl: "Really?"
Susan: "We got to the altar, but the whole fake wedding thing sort of imploded."
Karl: "Wow. I'm sorry."
Susan: "I still don't have insurance. I need to get that operation. I'm, I'm really screwed."
Karl: "Well, why don't I just marry you?"
Susan: "What?"
Karl: "I've got a fantastic health plan. You'd be covered instantly."
Susan: "But we were actually married."
Karl: "Look, Susie, I've always felt awful about walking out on you the way I did. And I figure, if we do this, I'd basically be saving your life. I figure I owe you one."
Susan: "Karl..."

He gets on one knee.

Karl: "So, what do you say? Will you marry me, Susan Mayer? Again?"
Susan: "What the hell?"
Karl: "Cool!"
Susan: "What are we gonna do about Edie?"
Karl: "We can't tell her."
Susan: "She'd kill us both."
Karl: "It'll be our little secret."

Gabrielle's House

Xiao Mei is packed and ready to leave. Father Crowley and the translator are waiting at the door for her.

Carlos: "We’ve really enjoyed having you as a guest. Right, Gaby?"
Gabrielle: "Absolutely. Xiao Mei, you are a very special girl, so, so you take care, okay?"

Xiao Mei hugs Gabrielle.

Gabrielle: "Oh!"

Xiao Mei touches the bracelet Gabrielle gave her and looks at her affectionately.

Father Crowley: "Thanks for all your help, Carlos."
Carlos: "My pleasure, Father. Bye bye."
Father Crowley: "Ladies?"

They leave and Carlos closes the door.

Carlos: "Please don't tell me you're crying just because you can't have the maid you want."
Gabrielle: "Carlos, she wouldn't have been just a maid. She would have been the best damn maid ever."
Carlos: "God, you're pathetic."
Gabrielle: "Shut up."

Carlos looks outside.

Carlos: "Hey, something's going on."

Xiao Mei and the translator are arguing. Xiao Mei is tugging her suitcase away from the translator.

Translator: "Father Crowley, Xiao Mei, Xiao Mei!"

She begins speaking Chinese.

Carlos and Gabrielle go outside.

Carlos: "Is there a problem?"
Father Crowley: "Well, Xiao Mel doesn't want to go back to China. She wants to stay here and work for you."
Carlos: "What? Why?"

Xiao Mei says something in Chinese.

Translator: "She says Mrs. Solis treated her with more kindness than she's ever known. She now thinks of you two as family."
Gabrielle: "Oh, really? Oh, of course you can stay! Oh!"
Carlos: "Gaby..."
Gabrielle: "Carlos, she thinks of us as family."

Gabrielle leads Xiao Mei back into the house.

Advertising Agency

Tom and Lynette are working on campaigns. Ed sticks his head in.

Ed: "I'm ready to hear those farm fresh concepts. Conference room in five Toilet Boy!"
Lynette: "You are so not allowed to complain to me."
Tom: "I know. You were right, okay? So now I'm known throughout the advertising world as Toilet Boy."
Lynette: "Tell him you're done with the games. You don't wanna play anymore."
Tom" "No, no, no, I can't. I can't. If I back down now, he'll see it as a sign of weakness. Look, this is the way that guys do business."
Lynette: "But!"
Tom: "So, you called it. He made me his bitch."

Ed's Office

Lynette walks in.

Lynette: "Here you go."
Ed: "Oh."
Lynette "You know, Ed, I've been thinking. We've had a lot of fun and games around here lately, but maybe it's time to set a slightly more professional tone in the office."
Ed: "Oh, I get it. Somebody went running to mommy, didn't he, huh?"
Lynette: "What?"
Ed: "Tom loses a few bets, so he tries to get his wife to make me back off? Oh, this is so Alpha Tai. I am gonna make him pay."
Lynette: "No. No, you're not gonna make him pay. You are gonna stop this now."
Ed: "This is my company. If people wanna work here, they play by my rules."
Lynette: "Ed!"
Ed: "What?"
Lynette: "I'm calling you out."
Ed: "Huh?"
Lynette: "Yes, you're right. This is your company, so I'll play by your rules. What do I have to do to get you to stop this frat boy crap? Shave my eyebrows? Come to work naked? Name your stakes."
Ed: "I don't have time for this."
Lynette: "Aw, what's wrong, Ed? You afraid a Phi Kap’s gonna get beaten by a girl? Come on, big man, it's just a little bet."

Advertising Agency

Everyone is gathered around. Ed sets up a small table in the center of the room.

Ed: "As you know, I think that making the workplace fun is good for morale. But Lynette here thinks that our shenanigans have gotten a little out of hand."
Crowd: "Oh. Boo"
Ed: "Oh, hold on. Hold on. I respect Lynette's work ethic. So we've decided to settle the matter with a little test of intestinal fortitude. If she can eat one pound of our client's fine, farm-fresh pork product, raw, there'll be a moratorium on wagering in the office."

Ed place a plate of raw bacon on the table in front of Lynette.

Tom: "I know you are doing this for me. You don't need to do this. I don't need you fighting my fights."
Lynette: "I am not fighting your fights. This is my fight. This is how guys do business, right?"
Worker #1: "Oh, I gotta see this."

Lynette rolls up one piece of raw bacon and lifts it toward her mouth.

Worker #2: "This is so disgusting."
Worker #3: "We're counting on you."
Ed: "While we're young."

Lynette puts the raw bacon into her mouth and chews. The crowd winces.

Ed: "No shame in defeat, Lynette. No shame at all."

Lynette swallows and the crowd applauds. She rolls up her second piece and raises it to her mouth.

Worker #3: "Oh, she's gonna do it. Oh! Oh, yes! Oh!"

Piece after piece goes into Lynette’s mouth. As she continues, Lynette almost gags as she forces the meat into her mouth.

Coworker: "Oh, this is too much."
Ed: "What? She took the bet. What? This is fun, people."
Worker #3: "She's got one more."

Lynette rolls up the last piece of bacon. She looks ready to vomit. She puts it into the mouth and chews and swallows. She opens her mouth and Ed looks inside for traces of any meat.

Lynette: "So, can this be a place of business again, Ed? No more games?"
Ed: "Sure. You sucked all the fun out of it anyway."
Worker #1: "Lynette..."
Worker #3: "I gotta go back to work."
Tom: "That was really something."
Lynette: "Thanks. Could you scrounge me up a bucket?"

Bree's House

Betty knocks at the door.

Betty: "Caleb said a nice, red-haired lady came to visit him."
Bree: "Come on in, Betty. Get you a drink?"
Betty: "This is not a social call, Bree! Did you or did you not break into my home and talk to my son?"
Bree: "Caleb and I had, uh, a very lovely chat. Yes."
Betty: "If you ever come near him again, there will be hell to pay. Do you understand?"
Bree: "Aren't you gonna ask me what we talked about? The name, um, Melanie Foster came up. I'm gonna pour you a drink now, Betty, because we're about to have a very honest discussion, and I think you're gonna need a little help getting through it."

Noah's House

Noah lies in bed. Mike stands at the foot of the bed.

Mike: "His name's Zach Young. He lives with his father. Mother committed suicide about a year ago."
Noah: "How did he end up with these people?"
Mike: "How do you think? Deirdre was strung out, Noah. She gave him up."
Noah: "I wanna see this boy."
Mike: "Well, he's got a new family now. I can't just snap my fingers and get him in here."
Noah: "Maybe not, but I can snap my fingers and Detective Sullivan can make it happen."
Mike: "You don't wanna do that."
Noah: "No?"
Mike: "Is that really the way you wanna meet him, have that thug drag him in here so grandpa can give him a hug?"
Noah: "Fine. You bring him. I'll give you two days. As you know, I'm on a bit of a clock here."

Mrs. Tilman sits in another room, listening to the conversation on an intercom.

Bree's Dining Room

Betty: "When Caleb was born and the doctors discovered that he was different, I didn't even cry. It was the most painful moment of my life. I didn't shed a single tear. I just thought to myself, what's the point? He is my son, and I have to raise him as best I can. Now that's my job. In a lot of ways, I feel so blessed. Caleb is challenged, but he has such a sweet nature. I'm sure you noticed that when you came to visit."
Bree: "Yes, I did. I also noticed that you had him chained in the basement."
Betty: "That's because of Melanie Foster. Melanie was a girl that Matthew dated. She was a debutante. And like typical teenagers, their relationship was full of drama. They were always breaking up and getting back together and breaking up. One night, after one of their big blow-ups, Caleb somehow convinced Melanie to meet him down at our local lumberyard. I can only imagine that she thought he was bringing some kind of apology from Matthew, but he wasn't. Caleb told Melanie he was in love with her, and that if he was her boyfriend, he would never break up with her and she laughed in his face. He tried to show her he was serious by kissing her and she hit him. He doesn't remember a lot of what happened after that, but he, he does know that he got very, very angry and that there was an ax lying on the ground nearby him. Yes, my Caleb killed Melanie, but I couldn't let him go to jail or worse, be put down, for what was really my crime."
Bree: "Your crime?"
Betty: "It was my responsibility. I was supposed to protect him from himself. I am his mother. That was my job."

Bree reaches over and holds Betty’s hand.

"The world is filled with unlikely friendships."

Gabrielle's House

Xiao Mei is hemming a dress Gabrielle is trying on. Gabrielle smiles down on her.

"How do they begin? With one person desperately in need and another willing to lend a helping hand."

Outside Susan's House

Susan is getting her mail. She sees Karl and Edie on a bike together.

"When such kindness is offered, we're finally able to see the worth of those we had previously written off."

Edie: "Woo!"

Advertising Agency

Ed and Tom are in his office. They high-five each other as Lynette looks on, smiling.

"And before we know it, a bond has formed, regardless of whether others can understand it."

Outside Betty's House - Daytime

Matthew and Danielle are kissing behind a tree.

"Yes, unlikely friendships start up every day. No one understands this more than the lonely."

Caleb is looking out his window watching them.

"In fact, it's what they count on."

~ The End ~

This transcript was compiled and completed on March 5, 2006 by Amanda (desperate_housewives at yahoo dot com) and Lucy.
Last Update: March 5, 2006

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