Ultimate Desperate Housewives

Episode 02.12 - "We're Gonna Be All Right"

Susan: "Ah. Dr. Ron I need you to pretend there’s something wrong with me and admit me for the night."
Dr. Ron: "I’m sorry?"
Susan: "This is the worst date I have ever been on in my life. That man is the most obnoxious, offensive, annoying human being, and you’re looking at me like I’m crazy right now, but I will be if I spend one more second with him so you gotta help me! You gotta do something. It’s my mental health. My mental health. You took an oath."

Gabrielle: "Have you guys noticed how friendly Betty’s been since that body was found in front of her house?"
Edie: "I don’t trust friendly women."
Lynette: "That’s okay. They don’t trust you either."

Gabrielle: "Bree, maybe you should call in a favor from your police detective pal. Have him poke around."
Susan: "That’s a great idea. You could have him do a background check on the Applewhites."
Bree: "I don’t think I can do that."
Susan: "Why not? You said he was nice."
Bree: "Well, once he stopped suspecting me of murdering Rex, he was delightful, but I don’t really know him."

Julie: "Mom, he’s a cute surgeon. What’s the problem?"
Susan: "He’s young."
Julie: "Young?"
Susan: "Younger than me."
Julie: "How much younger?"
Susan: "Let’s just say if I was a senior in high school, I’d be saying, ‘Wow, you’re a hot fifth grader.'"
Julie: "Well, of course it’s going to sound gross if you say it that way. But, you’re both adults so why not just ask him out?"
Susan: "'Cause the conversation could go something like this. 'Dr. Ron, I think you’re hot.' 'Oh. Well, thank you, ma'am. Now I think it’s time we talk about your hip replacement.'"
Julie: "Mom, you’re hot and funny and nice and clearly desperate, and guys are into that. Play to your strengths."

Lynette: "It is not the Ebola Virus, it’s chicken pox. You are being a baby."
Tom: "Yes, I am.
Lynette: "Okay."
Tom: "And if you think I’m being a baby now, do I need to remind you of what I’m like when I’m sick? Remember that time I had strep throat? We wound up in marriage counseling."
Lynette: "I’ll call the office."

Ralph: "Uh, Mrs. Solis, I gotta talk to you."
Gabrielle: "Ralph, if this is about Luis overwatering the hydrangeas again, I told you, no one likes a tattletale."

Noah: "You, uh, gonna come see me again?"
Mike: "You planning on having an open casket?"

Lynette: "I’m sorry, what did he mean shooting blanks?"
Tom: "Oh, it, it, it’s nothing, there’s just a small chance of sterility if a grown man gets chicken pox, so..."
Lynette: "We’re not having any more kids. Why would it matter?"
Tom: "I don’t know. You know, survival instinct."
Lynette: "So, if you’re the last man to survive a nuclear holocaust, you can repopulate the planet?"
Tom: "No, all I’m saying is that if, god forbid, something were to happen to either one of us, I want either one of us to have, you know, options."
Lynette: "So, you’re saying that if I died, you would want a second wife and a family?"
Tom: "Maybe."
Lynette: "I can’t believe you’ve actually thought about this."
Tom: "Well, haven’t you?"
Lynette: "Thought about who I’d marry if you died? Mm, no!"
Tom: "Oh, honey, it’s a back-up plan. I’m not going to use it."
Lynette: "Then why have it?"
Tom: "Well, I don’t know. It’s like, it’s like there’s this door, right? And I’m not planning on actually going through it because I’m so happy in the room that I’m in. But in case of fire or flood, it’s comforting to know that the door is unlocked."

Detective Barton: "Bree. I have to say, I was very pleased to get your call. I mean. I’m surprisd you want to have anything to do with me, given our recent history."
Bree: "Oh you mean, you having suspected me of murdering my husband? Detective, that is all water under the bridge now."

Bree: "You know I have a sixth sense about people."
Detective Barton: "And yet, you got engaged to the man who murdered your husband."

Gabrielle: "Here’s what I'm thinking. Scott’s a coward, so you could totally put the scare into him. All you gotta do is go and rough him up, and he'll take my pictures off the web site like that."
Carlos: "I'm sorry, but this is your mistake. You're gonna have to fix it yourself."
Gabrielle: "And I would love to, but I have the upper body strength of a kitten. I need a brute!"
Carlos: "Gaby, I am just now starting to get my rage issues under control. This brute doesn't swing that way anymore, so go find another."
Gabrielle: "Well, when you left prison, did they leave you a contact list?"

Lynette: "f I die, I want to hear your life would be over. I want you to spend the rest of your life screaming, 'it should've been me on that plane!'"
Tom: "Plane?"
Lynette: "I'm assuming there was a crash. It could've been something else."

Lynette: "You are my everything!"
Tom: "Honey, you’re my everything."
Lynette: "Okay, well, that's easy to say, but I need you to show me."
Tom: "How?"
Lynette: "With a vasectomy."
Tom: "Can't I just get you some flowers?"

Prostitute: "Hey, can I ask you something?"
Bree: "I'd rather you didn't."
Prostitute: "How'd you get started?"
Bree: "Started?"
Prostitute: "You know, in the escort business?"
Bree: "I beg your pardon."
Prostitute: "I bet the guys go crazy with your whole classy, repressed thing you got going on, huh? I mean, your skin has, like, no pores."
Bree: "I am not sure, but I think there was a compliment in there somewhere, so thank you. But I am not an escort."
Prostitute: "How much you charge a night?"
Bree: "Look, I...five thousand."
Prostitute: "Whoa. What do you have to do exactly for five grand?"

Susan: "Oh. Maybe we could go out sometime?"
Dr. Ron: "Do you like sushi?"
Susan: "I love sushi. I'm available tomorrow night."
Dr. Ron: "No, no, no, tomorrow's no good. I'll still be angry. I should be cooled down by Friday."
Susan: "Oh, uh, Friday's good."

Mary Alice: "Illness can take on many forms. Those of the body are easy to treat. Much more difficult are the hidden maladies that fester in our hearts. The secret addictions that consume our souls. And the diseases we deny which affect our judgment. To survive we need to find that special someone who can heal us. But we can never predict who have the cure for what ails us. Or when they'll show up."