This was typed by Lucy, Juan Bravo, Foxhidden, and Amanda, mere humans, and mistakes are possible. If you find any, no matter how trivial, please let me know. (desperate_housewives at yahoo dot com)

In the interest of finishing the transcripts faster, screen caps will no longer be placed on the transcripts. You can find screen caps at the following websites:
Desperate Housewives
Wisteria Lane
The Suburbs

If you know of any other screen caps sites, please e-mail them to me: (desperate_housewives at yahoo dot com)

Guest stars
"Andrew Van de Kamp" - Shawn Pyfrom
"Danielle Van de Kamp" - Joy Lauren
"Matthew Applewhite" - Mehcad Brooks
"Preston Scavo" - Brent Kinsman
"Porter Scavo" - Shane Kinsman
"Parker Scavo" - Zane Huett
"Caleb" - Nashawn Kearse
"Felicia Tilman - Harriet Sansom Harris
"Noah Taylor"- Bob Gunton
"Dr. Ron McCreadie"- Jay Harrington
"Scott Tollman"- Robert Cicchini
"Detective Barton"- Kurt Fuller
"Jim Halverson"- Greg Germann
"Prostitute"- Sandra Purpuro
"Ralph" - Alejandro Patino
"Luis" - Albert Garcia
"MRI Technician" - Jon Spinogatti
"Blood Drive Nurse" - Sonia Iris Lozada
"Hospital Nurse" - Verda Bridges
"Noah's Nurse" - Nikki Tyler-Flynn
"Police Officer" - Roberto Sanchez

Written by: Alexandra Cunningham
Directed by: David Grossman

Restaurant Bar

Jim is sitting at the bar having a drink

"Jim Halverson was aware that he had little to offer a woman. He was neither rich, nor smart, nor handsome."

Susan taps Jim on the shoulder.

Susan: "Are you Jim? I’m Susan Mayer."
Jim: "Oh!"

"So when his friends set him up on a blind date with a beautiful stranger…"

Jim: "Wow! You're so much hotter than Vicky said you would be. How old are ya?"
Susan: "How old do you think I am?"

"Jim made the tragic decision to try to be funny."

Jim: "Not a day over fifty."
Susan: "Why don’t we get our table?"

As Susan walks into the restaurant, Jim tries to explain his humor.

Jim: "Well, that was funny because you're so obviously not fifty, so that’s why I said fifty, it’s absurd."

Restaurant - Interior

Jim and Susan are sitting at a table as the waiter pours wine.

"Jim did everything he could to get Susan Mayer to laugh. He tried racial humor."

Jim: "So guess what time Chinese people go to the dentist? Two thirty! Get it? Tooth hurty. Two thirty."

Jim laughs, Susan nods politely.

Jim: "I love that."

"He tried to be engaging risqué."

Jim: "Rectum…damn near killed him!"

Susan stares at him.

Jim: "Ah, you know what a rectum is, right?"

Susan choking on her food, nods.

"He even tried gentle teasing."

Jim: "No, no, you see, by comparing you to a Nazi, I was making the point, you're so not a Nazi."

While explaining, Jim knocks over his napkin.

"And just when Jim thought the date couldn’t get any worse."

Susan and Jim reach down to the floor and bang heads.

Susan: "Oh! Oww! Oh!"

Susan sees Jim is on the floor, unconscious.

"It did."

Hospital Emergency Room

A doctor is examining Jim, flashing a light in his eyes.

Dr. Ron: "Okay, Jim. I need you to look up and down. All right. So, how did this happen?"
Susan: "It was an accident."
Jim: "Oh, oh, I don’t know about that. In some cultures, head butting is a mating ritual."
Susan: "Dr. McCreadie, can I talk to you about my head? Away from the draft."
Dr. Ron: "Yeah. Call me Dr. Ron. Everyone does."

They move to the corner of the room.

Susan: "Ah. Dr. Ron I need you to pretend there’s something wrong with me and admit me for the night."
Dr. Ron: "I’m sorry?"
Susan: "This is the worst date I have ever been on in my life."

They glance over at Jim who has inflated a glove and is "milking" it while telling the nurse a joke.

Susan: "That man is the most obnoxious, offensive, annoying human being, and you’re looking at me like I’m crazy right now, but I will be if I spend one more second with him so you gotta help me! You gotta do something."

She grabs his lapels.

Susan: "It’s my mental health. My mental health. You took an oath."
Dr. Ron: "Could you let go of my lapel please?"
Susan: "Sorry."
Dr. Ron: "Um, listen, I’m sorry you’re date's not going well, but I can’t admit you, Susan."
Susan: "Right, right."

Dr. Ron walks back to Jim.

Dr. Ron: "Jim, let’s, um, let's take a look at those reflexes."
Jim: "I’ll tell ya. I got a joke for you, Doctor. What’s the correct medical term for the circumcision of a rabbit? Hare Cut. I don’t know. I always..."
Dr. Ron: "Jim, I’m gonna need to keep you here for a while and run some tests."
Jim: " Really? I-"
Dr. Ron: "Yeah, I’m still worried about that bump."

Dr. Ron presses the bump on Jim’s head as Susan smiles.

Jim: "Oh. Ow! That still..."
Dr. Ron: "Susan. You’re good to go."

"And though it only lasted a moment, Jim caught the look passed between his date and his doctor."

Dr. Ron looks at Susan. Susan smiles. Dr. Ron winks.

Susan: "Thank you so much, Dr. Ron."

Jim looks on in shock as Susan leaves.

"And he suddenly got the feeling the joke was on him."

Opening Credits

Wisteria Lane - Daytime

A banner hangs, indicating the Wisteria Lane Blood Drive.

"The annual blood drive was a tradition on Wisteria Lane. Most residents came to help promote health and well-being."

Zach walks through a crowded park. Everyone is filling out forms. Susan, Bree, Gabrielle, Edie, and Lynette are sitting on the bench filling out forms as well.

"But my friends turned up for a different reason. They were growing increasingly concerned that their street was infected with a dangerous kind of sickness. And they came to consult with one another about a possible cure."

Susan is watching Matthew and Betty Applewhite. They see her and wave.

Susan: "Oh, great, she caught me staring."
Gabrielle: "Have you guys noticed how friendly Betty’s been since that body was found in front of her house?"
Edie: "I don’t trust friendly women."
Lynette: "That’s okay. They don’t trust you either."
Susan: "I just know those two have something to do with that dead body."
Bree: "Do we even know who he is?"
Susan: "Well the paper said the police are withholding the details."
Gabrielle: "Bree, maybe you should call in a favor from your police detective pal. Have him poke around."
Susan: "That’s a great idea. You could have him do a background check on the Applewhites."
Bree: "I don’t think I can do that."
Susan: "Why not? You said he was nice."
Bree: "Well, once he stopped suspecting me of murdering Rex, he was delightful, but I don’t really know him."
Susan: "Well, somebody has to do something 'cause I’m losing sleep."

Betty and Matthew approach.

Gabrielle: "Betty! Matthew!"
Betty: "Hello, everybody. Susan, a little birdy told me you are having a birthday soon. We should all go out and celebrate."
Susan: "Super."
Lynette: "Sounds like a plan."
Gabrielle: "Count me in."

As Betty and Matthew walk away, Bree waves.

Bree: "Bye."
Lynette: "See ya."

Betty and Matthew talk quietly to each other.

Matthew: "So why are you everybody’s best friend, all of a sudden?"
Betty: "If there was ever a time to be neighborly, this is it."
Matthew: "We’re idiots for staying here. I mean we should have hit the road as soon as they found Monroe’s body. I mean, how do we know that he didn’t tell Foster where we're hiding?"
Betty: "Because if he had, Foster would have shown up by now. Besides if we take off, what are we going to live on? I have all of our money tied up in this house."
Matthew: "So why not just sell it?"
Betty: "Patience, Matthew. If we take off right away it’ll look suspicious. Now, what we need is a story, a reason for us to move."

Zach approaches the nurse’s table in the park, handing her a clipboard.

Nurse: "Look at this. AB negative."
Zach: "Yeah, it's the rarest of all blood types."
Nurse: "Well, there must be something in the water around these parts. You’re my second AB negative today."
Zach: "Seriously? Uh, who was it?"
Nurse: "That guy."

The nurse looks around and points at Mike, who's walking away. Zach stares at him.

Outside Bree's House

Bree is removing snails from her flowers. Betty approaches.

Betty: "Hi, Bree."
Bree: "Oh, hi."
Betty: "I just wanted to thank you for your advise on my azaleas. They’re just thriving."
Bree: "Oh. It was no trouble at all."
Betty: "Such a shame I may not be around to enjoy them. Well, my mother has taken ill. And Matthew and I will probably go and visit her. We may even be moving. We just don’t know yet."
Bree: "Oh. Well, where does she live?"
Betty: "Back in Chicago."
Bree: "Is it serious?"
Betty: "I, I don’t know yet. Well, obviously I’ll be speaking with her doctor."
Bree: "Oh, Betty. If there’s anything I can do, anything at all."
Betty: "Thank you. You’ve already done so much. Bye."

Betty walks away.

Susan's House

Susan removes the blood drive tape from her arm as Julie walks in.

Susan: "Oh."
Julie: "That Dr. Ron called. He needs to see you for a follow-up appointment."
Susan: "He needs to see me, or he wants to see me?"
Julie: "Geez, Mom, how cute is this guy?"
Susan: "Oh, he could be cuter, but I don’t know how."
Julie: "So ask him out."
Susan: "Oh no, I can’t do that."
Julie: "Mom, he’s a cute surgeon. What’s the problem?"
Susan: "He’s young."
Julie: "Young?"
Susan: "Younger than me."
Julie: "How much younger?"
Susan: "Let’s just say if I was a senior in high school, I’d be saying, ‘Wow, you’re a hot fifth grader.'"
Julie: "Well, of course it’s going to sound gross if you say it that way. But, you’re both adults so why not just ask him out?"
Susan: "'Cause the conversation could go something like this. 'Dr. Ron, I think you’re hot.' 'Oh. Well, thank you, ma'am. Now I think it’s time we talk about your hip replacement.'"
Julie: "Mom, you’re hot and funny and nice and clearly desperate, and guys are into that. Play to your strengths."

Outside Lynette's House

Lynette drives into her driveway. Tom runs out to meet her.

Tom: "Thank god you’re home."
Lynette: "What’s wrong? Pat said you told her it was an emergency."
Tom: "The boys were sent home from school."
Lynette: "What! Why? I called. The machine kept picking up."
Tom: "I know. I know. Look I, they’ve got chicken pox."
Lynette: "Chicken pox? That’s the emergency?"
Tom: "They’re totally contagious."
Lynette: "Not to us."
Tom: "They are to me. I’ve never had it."
Lynette: "Well, you never told me that."
Tom: "The point is, I can’t go in there. It’s a hot zone."
Lynette: "Well, Tom. Somebody’s got to take care of our kids."
Tom: "Exactly. And since you're immune..."
Lynette: "Oh, you gotta be kidding, I have to get back to work."
Tom: "Just for a couple of day, until they’re not contagious."
Lynette: "It is not the Ebola Virus, it’s chicken pox. You are being a baby."
Tom: "Yes, I am.
Lynette: "Okay."
Tom: "And if you think I’m being a baby now, do I need to remind you of what I’m like when I’m sick? Remember that time I had strep throat? We wound up in marriage counseling."
Lynette: "I’ll call the office."
Tom: "Thanks, honey."

Outside Gabrielle's House

Gabrielle is sitting on her porch, reading a magazine, when her gardener approaches.

Ralph: "Uh, Mrs. Solis, I gotta talk to you."
Gabrielle: "Ralph, if this is about Luis overwatering the hydrangeas again, I told you, no one likes a tattletale."
Ralph: "My wife left me."
Gabrielle: "Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t know you and Bonita were having problems."
Ralph: "We weren’t. It was all of a sudden. She just packed her bags and left. She said I have an illness. I need to get help."
Gabrielle: "Why?"
Ralph: "There’s nothing wrong with me. I just like to look at pretty ladies on the internet."
Gabrielle: "Uh huh."
Ralph: "Sure, they’re not always dressed and sometimes there’s more than one. But I only go to the classy websites. There’s some really sick stuff out there, Mrs. Solis."
Gabrielle: "Ralph! Make your point."
Ralph: "Um, last night, ah, I found this new website. And there was a picture of a lady sitting on a bear skin rug with nothing on except a little pointy elf hat. It’s very festive."
Gabrielle: "Yeah. Uh, Ralph, why are you telling me this?"
Ralph: "I’m sorry, it's just, um, I think you really need to see this."

He hands her a sheet of paper.

Gabrielle: "Oh, my god!"
Ralph: "The lighting looks great on you, Mrs. Solis. I mean, most of the time you have to squint at the screen to see anything really good. Not here, no sir. That’s, that's good."
Gabrielle: "Well, um, thank you, Ralph, for bringing this to my attention."
Ralph: "Um, Mrs. Solis, I was wondering. Would you sign that for me? Oh, okay."

Noah's House

A nurse is working, giving Noah a shot as he lies in bed. She leaves briefly and Noah looks at Mike, who's sitting on a chair near the bed.

Noah: "Where have you been? Why didn’t you come to see me?"
Mike: "I came every Sunday. You were just too out of it to know I was here."
Noah: "I think you’re lying. But then again these days, I think everyone’s been lying to me. The thing is, you’re here now. So tell me what I want to know. Did you find the man who killed my daughter?"
Mike: "It was a guy named Todd Forrest. He’s a low life drug dealer. He got her hooked again. She tried to steal from him and he killed her. And I killed him. I thought hearing that would make you happy."
Noah: "I thought it would too. But it doesn’t."

The nurse comes back to put another needle in Noah. He grimaces and lets out a cry of pain.

Nurse: "I’m sorry. I want to start your IV but your veins are kind of bad."
Noah: "Well, here, let me help you."

He takes the needle and sticks the nurse.

Nurse: "Oh! What the hell are you doing? You’re crazy!"
Noah: "You’re fired. Get out."

The nurse leaves, holding her arm.

Noah: "So, I guess we’re done then?"
Mike: "Yeah."
Noah: "You, uh, gonna come see me again?"
Mike: "You planning on having an open casket?"

Noah smirks. Mike leaves.

Outside Lynette's House

Tom is hitting golf balls across the lawn while Carlos watches. Lynette comes out with a plate of sandwiches.

Lynette: "Hey, guys."
Tom: "Hey."
Carlos: "Hi, Lynette."
Lynette: "Hi, Carlos."
Tom: "All right, a reuben? How sweet is that? Lunch brought right to the golf course."
Carlos: "I hear you got some pretty sick kids in there."
Lynette: "Oh, it’s just chicken pox. But Braveheart here will only come in to sleep and shower."
Carlos: "I can't say I blame him. I wouldn’t want to be shooting blanks either. Be well, my man.
Tom: "Okay."
Carlos: "Bye, Lynette."
Lynette: "See ya later."

Carlos leaves.

Lynette: "I’m sorry, what did he mean shooting blanks?"
Tom: "Oh, it, it, it’s nothing, there’s just a small chance of sterility if a grown man gets chicken pox, so..."
Lynette: "We’re not having any more kids. Why would it matter?"
Tom: "I don’t know. You know, survival instinct."
Lynette: "So, if you’re the last man to survive a nuclear holocaust, you can repopulate the planet?"
Tom: "No, all I’m saying is that if, god forbid, something were to happen to either one of us, I want either one of us to have, you know, options."
Lynette: "So, you’re saying that if I died, you would want a second wife and a family?"
Tom: "Maybe."
Lynette: "I can’t believe you’ve actually thought about this."
Tom: "Well, haven’t you?"
Lynette: "Thought about who I’d marry if you died? Mm, no!"
Tom: "Oh, honey, it’s a back-up plan. I’m not going to use it."
Lynette: "Then why have it?"
Tom: "Well, I don’t know. It’s like, it’s like there’s this door, right? And I’m not planning on actually going through it because I’m so happy in the room that I’m in. But in case of fire or flood, it’s comforting to know that the door is unlocked."

Lynette grabs the sandwich out of Tom’s hand and the plate.

Tom: "I’m not through with that."
Lynette: "Yeah, well why don’t you have your second wife make you lunch, okay? Oops!"

Lynette throws the sandwiches on the ground. She storms back inside. Tom picks up the sandwich and examines it.

Restaurant

Bree and Detective Barton are having a meal.

Detective Barton: "Bree. I have to say, I was very pleased to get your call. I mean. I’m surprisd you want to have anything to do with me, given our recent history."
Bree: "Oh you mean, you having suspected me of murdering my husband? Detective, that is all water under the bridge now."

Bree takes a drink of wine.

Detective Barton: "I’m very glad to hear you say that."
Bree: "I do have to confess that I have an ulterior motive. I need to ask you a favor."
Detective Barton: "Oh, well, shoot, whatever I can do."
Bree: "We have these, um, new neighbors, the Applewhites, it’s a mother and her son, the just moved here from Chicago. And they seem very nice, but there is, there is something about them that’s off. They’re odd."
Detective Barton: "Odd?"
Bree: "Yeah, they’re secretive and watchful and there was a dead body found in front of their house."
Detective Barton: "I can’t run a background check on your neighbors for being odd."
Bree: "Oh."
Detective Barton: "Is that why you wanted to see me, to ask me that?"
Bree: "Yeah, why?"
Detective Barton: "Well, it’s just during the investigation, I just thought there was just a kind of, um, spark between us. You know, I thought this might be a date."
Bree: "Ah, no. I just wanted to ask you a favor."
Detective Barton: "It’s fine. No harm done. When do I ever get to have lunch with such a lovely lady anyway, date or no date."
Bree: "Are you sure that you can’t check on the Applewhites? I mean I just know that there’s something there. And you know I have a sixth sense about people."
Detective Barton: "And yet, you got engaged to the man who murdered your husband."

Hospital

A nurse has just taken Susan’s blood pressure.

Nurse: "Well, blood pressure looks fine. You’re free to go, Mrs. Mayer."
Susan: "You mean I’m not gonna see Dr. Ron?"
Nurse: "Oh, I do the follow-up exams. Dr. Ron only comes in if there’s a problem."
Susan: "Oh well, maybe I should go ahead and see him anyway. Just to be safe."
Nurse: "I’m sorry. Dr. Ron’s schedule is very tight today. So unless you’re having a serious problem..."

Later, Dr. Ron is in the room with Susan.

Dr. Ron: "You’re experiencing nausea, chills, and tingling, huh?"
Susan: "Yeah, but now that I think about it, I bet it’s just all the coffee I drink. I drink way too much coffee. Do you like to drink coffee?"
Dr. Ron: "Ah, no. No. So the tingling is in your fingers and your toes?"
Susan: "I should switch to juice. I know the best juice place. You would love it. Do you drink juice?"
Dr. Ron: "Wow. Susan, how often have you been having these involuntary muscle spasms?"
Susan: "Oh. Oh, uh, not that often. I probably just need a good massage."

Dr. Ron grabs Susan’s chin and looks into her eyes.

Dr. Ron: "Susan."
Susan: "Yeah?"
Dr. Ron: "I want to get you in for an MRI."
Susan: "Oh, oh, oh, oh, no, I don’t think that’s necessary."
Dr. Ron: "Are you a doctor?"
Susan: "I got high marks in math and science."
Dr. Ron: "I’m gonna get you in for an MRI."

Restaurant

Bree continues to drink her wine. The waiter brings the bill, which the detective reaches for.

Bree: "No, no, no, I think it’s an misunderstanding and that I should get the bill."
Detective Barton: "I won’t hear of it."
Bree: "All right, we’ll split it."
Detective Barton: "Fair enough."

As they both reach for their money, Bree drops her wallet.

Detective Barton: "You know what? Let me, uh, let me give you a ride home."
Bree: "Detective Barton, is this some sort of high school ploy to get me back to your place?"
Detective Barton: "I just don’t think you should be driving a car. You’ve been drinking."
Bree: "I had two glasses of wine."
Detective Barton: "Three, plus the Torney Port with dessert. It’s all here on the bill, if you want to take a look."
Bree: "You know what? I politely rejected you and now you're getting your revenge by embarrassing me."
Detective Barton: "You’ve had too much to drink. Give me your keys."
Bree: "I am not giving you anything. Except the bill."

Bree gets up and grabs the cash she had put on the bill.

Bree's Car

Bree is driving home. Her car is slightly weaving on the road. Behind her is a police car. The police siren signals her to stop. She pulls over. Detective Barton gets out of the police car and approaches Bree’s car.

Bree: "What do you think you’re doing?"
Detective Barton: "I followed you to make sure you were okay. You were weaving. Please step out of the car."
Bree: "You can't be serious."
Detective Barton: "Out."

Bree gets out of the car.

Bree: "Detective, I am not drunk, and I am not stupid. I know exactly what this is all about."
Detective Barton: "I'm gonna need you to take a sobriety test."
Bree: "A sobriety test? I'm not taking any sobriety test. This behavior stems from the hurt feelings of a man with very low self-esteem. The world is a big place, and I'm sure there is a woman out there somewhere who'll respond to your macho posturing."
Detective Barton: "Well, here's hoping."

Detective Barton pulls out handcuffs and cuffs Bree’s hands behind her back.

Gabrielle's House

Gabrielle’s laptop sits on the counter behind her and Carlos.

Gabrielle: "Baby, what you're about to see will most likely shock and upset you."
Carlos: "Okay."
Gabrielle: "Remember Scott, the photographer I was dating when we met? The one I dumped for you, who never really got over it and who I always said was gonna get back at me?"
Carlos: "Mm hmm."
Gabrielle: "Oh, Carlos, I love you so much."
Carlos: "Move. What is this?"
Gabrielle: "Scott's web site with pictures of me on it. Well, say something."
Carlos: "Oh, my god."
Gabrielle: "It was supposed to be funny, a naughty little Christmas gift for my boyfriend."
Carlos: "Oh, my god!"
Gabrielle: "I know, I was freakishly flexible back then. I'm sorry! Look, what are we gonna do about this?"
Carlos: "I guess I’ll call my lawyers."
Gabrielle: "I gave these pictures to him as a gift. He owns them."
Carlos: "Then I guess we’re screwed."
Gabrielle: "Not necessarily. See, here’s what I'm thinking. Scott’s a coward, so you could totally put the scare into him. All you gotta do is go and rough him up, and he'll take my pictures off the web site like that."
Carlos: "I'm sorry, but this is your mistake. You're gonna have to fix it yourself."
Gabrielle: "And I would love to, but I have the upper body strength of a kitten. I need a brute!"
Carlos: "Gaby, I am just now starting to get my rage issues under control. This brute doesn't swing that way anymore, so go find another."
Gabrielle: "Well, when you left prison, did they leave you a contact list?"

Hospital MRI Room

A technician removes the dust cover from the machine. He folds it and places it on the back of a chair. Later, Susan and the technician enter the room.

Susan: "So is Dr. Ron gonna be here for this?"
MRI Technician: "Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Uh, there's a hook on the wall there so go ahead and get your stuff hung up and, uh, just get comfy. Dr. Ron should be here pretty soon."
Susan: "Okay."

The technician leaves. Susan hangs up her purse and removes her jacket.

Later, Susan is standing in her bra and panties trying to figure out how to put on the dust cover from the machine. The technician watches her through a one-way glass. Dr. Ron enters the technician’s room.

Dr. Ron: "Is she trying to put on the dust cover?"
MRI Technician: "Yep."
Dr. Ron: "How long are we gonna let this go on?"
MRI Technician: "Just a few more minutes."
Dr. Ron (over the speaker): "Hi, uh, Susan? It's Dr. Ron. You don't have to get undressed for this."
Susan: "Oh, uh, I, I, uh, then why did you put out a gown?"
Dr. Ron: "No, no, it's not a gown. It's, uh, it's the dust cover for the MRI machine."

Later, Susan is on the bed of the MRI machine. She is slowly entering the machine.

Dr. Ron (over the speaker): "This should take about forty-five minutes. Now I know it's really cramped and uncomfortable in there, but try not to move. Susan, I realize that this whole process must be troubling for you."
Susan: "Yeah, it’s pretty troubling."
Dr. Ron: "Well, we’re gonna get to the bottom of this. And I'll be here for you, okay?"
Susan: "Hey, Dr. Ron? I just have a feeling that everything's gonna turn out fine. And when it does, I'd like to buy you dinner to celebrate my health. You know, I was thinking maybe Italian? Oh, what the heck, maybe we can call it a date. If you like. Dr. Ron?"
MRI Technician: "He left awhile ago. He got a phone call from his girlfriend."
Susan: "Oh. Okay. Thank you. I'd like to get out now."
MRI Technician: "Try not to move."

Outside Gabrielle's House

Gardeners Luis and Ralph are trimming the hedges with electric trimmers. Carlos comes out for the paper. Gabrielle comes out with her yoga mat.

Gabrielle: "Good morning, Luis, Ralph."
Ralph and Luis: "Good morning, Mrs. Solis."
Gabrielle: "Good morning, honey."
Carlos: "Hey, you're talking to me again."
Gabrielle: "Well, I thought about what you said about the pictures and you're right. It was my mistake and I have to live with it."

Carlos goes inside. Gabrielle spreads her yoga mat on the porch. Carlos, inside, sits down to read the paper in the living room. He sees Gabrielle outside the front window. She removes all of her clothes and begins to do her yoga naked. The gardeners stop working to watch her and Carlos runs outside.

Carlos: "What the hell are you doing?"
Gabrielle: "I'm living with it!"
Carlos (to the gardeners): "Hey, turn around and keep gardening!"
Gabrielle: "Aw, you're so mean."
Carlos: "Put your clothes on right now."
Gabrielle: "Why? You either care if men leer at me or not. And you made it clear that you don't. So what's the point?"
Carlos: "Gabrielle, I am not beating this guy up for you!"
Gabrielle: "Then you better think of another way to get my pictures back. Because if you don’t, people on Wisteria Lane are gonna be seeing a lot more of me! Ralph, Luis, feast your eyes!"

Ralph and Luis stare. Ralph hits Luis’ hand with the hedge trimmer that's on.

Luis: "Ah! My finger! Ah!"

Ralph drops to the ground.

Ralph: "I'll find it!"
Luis: "Ah, my finger!"
Ralph: "It's gotta be here somewhere. I'll look for it, man. Don't worry, man. I'll find it."
Luis: "Oh, my finger!"

Lynette's House

Lynette is sitting on her couch, lost in deep concentration. Tom comes downstairs wearing a face mask and gloves.

Tom: "Hey, honey, good news. I checked on Penny, and she didn't scream. I think she's getting used to the mask."
Lynette: "I don't want you to have options, Tom. If I die, I want to hear your life would be over. I want you to spend the rest of your life screaming, 'it should've been me on that plane!'"
Tom: "Plane?"
Lynette: "I'm assuming there was a crash. It could've been something else."
Tom: "Okay, okay, wait, wait, wait."
Lynette: "Do you have any idea how painful it is to hear about you even think about your next wife and kids? I could never do that! I can't imagine my life without you. You are my everything!"
Tom: "Honey, you’re my everything."
Lynette: "Okay, well, that's easy to say, but I need you to show me."
Tom: "How?"
Lynette: "With a vasectomy."
Tom: "Can't I just get you some flowers?"
Lynette: "Look, it makes perfect sense. We're not gonna have any more kids. And, and the pill just makes me bloat. It'll be great!"
Tom: "No, okay, Lynette, this is crazy."
Lynette: "Oh, I know! I know! But it is what married people do. They go out of their way to calm each other's irrational fears. Oh, come on, Tom. I really need you to do this."
Tom: "Okay. Fine, yeah. I'll make an appointment."
Lynette: "Thank you."

County Jail

Bree is sitting in a holding cell with another woman who is dressed very scantily.

Prostitute: "Hey, can I ask you something?"
Bree: "I'd rather you didn't."
Prostitute: "How'd you get started?"
Bree: "Started?"
Prostitute: "You know, in the escort business?"
Bree: "I beg your pardon."
Prostitute: "I bet the guys go crazy with your whole classy, repressed thing you got going on, huh? I mean, your skin has, like, no pores."
Bree: "I am not sure, but I think there was a compliment in there somewhere, so thank you. But I am not an escort."
Prostitute: "How much you charge a night?"
Bree: "Look, I...five thousand."
Prostitute: "Whoa. What do you have to do exactly for five grand?"

Bree just smiles. An officer approaches and unlocks the cell.

Officer: "All right. Bail cleared. You’re free to go.Your car’s at the impound lot. And you can pick it up in the morning."
Bree: "Well, how am I supposed to get home? I don't have any money."
Officer: "Call a friend."
Bree: "I have been through enough humiliation for one day. I hope you have a better suggestion than that."
Officer: "Okay, well, let me think, um, walk."

Streets - Nighttime

Bree is walking home on a dark street. Her heel breaks.

Bree: "Oh, for goodness sakes!"

She takes off her shoes and walks barefoot. An SUV pulls up next to her and honks. It’s Betty.

Betty: "Bree? Is everything okay?"
Bree: "Oh, oh, I'm, I'm fine. I just, um, had a flat tire."
Betty: "It's your lucky day. I'm a whiz at changing tires. Hop in."
Bree: "You know, thank you, but I think it's actually something more mechanical. My car has been making just a terrible noise."
Betty: "Well, I have auto club. Come on."
Bree: "Actually, my car has been impounded by the police."

Wisteria Lane - Nighttime

Betty’s car pulls up to Bree’s house.

Bree: "Thanks, Betty, and, um, I'd appreciate it if you could keep this little incident to yourself."
Betty: "I won't say a word. I swear."
Bree: "Well, that’s good to hear, because most people on this street couldn't keep a secret if their lives depended on it."
Betty: "Well, Bree, even if everyone does find out, it's no big deal. I mean, lots of people have D.U.Is."
Bree: "Yes, but the difference is most of those people were actually drunk when they were arrested. I was not."
Betty: "Well, of course."
Bree: "You know, you sound like you don't believe me."
Betty: "Well, um, it's just, I know you've gone through a lot lately. The death of your husband, problems with your son. It would only be natural if you did self-medicate."
Bree: "I'm sorry, but since when do you know so much about my personal life?"
Betty: "Bree, it's like you said. People on this street are not great at keeping secrets."
Bree: "Except for you. You're really good at it."
Betty: "I beg your pardon?"
Bree: "Well, you moved into your house in the middle of the night. God knows what you moved in that you didn't want anybody to see. People hear sounds coming at all hours from there. And, oh, what was the last one? Oh, right. They found a dead body in front of your home. Everybody talks about the Applewhites, but nobody can figure out exactly what you people are hiding. So congratulations. Your secrets are safe for now."

Bree gets out of Betty’s car and slams the door. Betty reaches for her cell phone.

Betty (on the phone): "Edie? Hi, it's Betty Applewhite. Yeah, I’m sorry to call you so late but, um, I really need to meet with you first thing in the morning. Yes. Well, I’ve decided to sell my house."

Outside Susan's House - Daytime

Susan opens her door and finds Dr. Ron.

Susan: "Dr. Ron? What are you doing here?"
Dr. Ron: "Uh, we need to talk. It's not the kind of talk we can have over the phone."
Susan: "Oh, are you sure? Um, because I would look a lot better over the phone right now."
Dr. Ron: "Um, Susan, your, uh, your test results came back."

Susan's House

She and Dr. Ron are having coffee.

Dr. Ron: "And for the life of me, I can't figure it out. Now based on the, on the symptoms you were describing..."
Susan: "Symptoms?"
Dr. Ron: "Yeah, the dizziness, the tingling, the muscle spasms, the chills, it could be neurological. It also could be based on an autoimmune disorder. I just, frankly, I’m, I'm stumped."
Susan: "Oh, no, no, no, no."
Dr. Ron: "Hey, listen, we're gonna get through this, okay?"
Susan: "I am so sorry. But I am not sick."
Dr. Ron: "What are you talking about?"
Susan: "Your nurse wouldn’t let me see you, and I really wanted to see you, so I sort of faked all my symptoms. The dizziness, the chills, you know, all of it."
Dr. Ron: "Why, why would you do something like that? What the hell is wrong with you?"
Susan: "I know. I know. I feel really awful. I am just not the best at meeting men. And I thought you were cute, and I sort of thought that maybe you thought I was cute, and you're a doctor, and that's so sexy."
Dr. Ron: "So I was up all night worried sick, digging through medical books, trying to figure out some mysterious disease that doesn't really exist?"
Susan: "Really? You were up all night?"
Dr. Ron: "Yes. I don't enjoy telling people I think they're going to die. Especially not people I like."
Susan: "You like me?"
Dr. Ron: "Yes."
Susan: "What about your girlfriend?"
Dr. Ron: "What girlfriend?"
Susan: "The one who called in the MRI room?"
Dr. Ron: "We had one date. She wanted a referral to a dermatologist. She's got eczema."

Dr. Ron walks out the door to his car. Susan runs after him.

Susan: "Oh. Maybe we could go out sometime?"
Dr. Ron: "Do you like sushi?"
Susan: "I love sushi. I'm available tomorrow night."
Dr. Ron: "No, no, no, tomorrow's no good. I'll still be angry. I should be cooled down by Friday."
Susan: "Oh, uh, Friday's good."

Dr. Ron gets in his car.

Dr. Ron: "Oh, there's one thing. Your MRI showed that you have a wandering spleen."
Susan: "A what?"
Dr. Ron: "It's a wandering spleen. It's no big deal. Sometimes the thing just moves around in there. But we'll keep an eye on it."

Dr. Ron drives off.

Susan: "Wandering what?"

Outside Scott's Studio

Carlos and Gabrielle pull up in the parking lot.

Gabrielle: "Okay, go get him, tiger."
Carlos: "I can't do it, Gaby."
Gabrielle: "What?"
Carlos: "I can't go in there. I thought I could, but I can’t."
Gabrielle: "You promised!"
Carlos: "Ever since I got out of prison, I've been trying to lead a better life. And for the first time, I can honestly say that I'm a good Catholic, and I don't want to ruin that."
Gabrielle: "So, do this today and go to an extra long mass tomorrow."
Carlos: "It doesn't work that way."
Gabrielle: "Okay, look, I’m really trying to understand your moral dilemma here, I am. But if you don't get my pictures back, I'm gonna be humiliated. You think our gardener is the only local perv surfing the web?"
Carlos: "I'm sorry, Gabrielle."
Gabrielle: "You used to go crazy when men would so much as look at me the wrong way and that's when I had clothes on."
Carlos: "I'm trying to be better than that now."
Gabrielle: "Or maybe you just don't love me as much as you used to."
Carlos: "Why can't you just let me be a good person? You know, if you really loved me, you wouldn't even ask me to go in there."
Gabrielle: "If you really loved me, I wouldn't have to ask! Fine, forget it."
Carlos: "Really?"
Gabrielle: "Be a good person. Knock yourself out."
Carlos: "It's not that I don't love you. I-"
Gabrielle: "Yeah, okay, look, let's just go home."

Carlos takes off his seat belt and begins getting out of the car.

Gabrielle: "What are you doing?"
Carlos: "I'm getting your pictures back. I'm not gonna hurt him. I'll talk to him, appeal to his better nature."

Scott's Studio

Carlos walks in.

Scott: "Can I help you?"
Carlos: "I'm Carlos Solis. You have, uh, naked pictures of my wife on your web site."
Scott: "Oh. You're, uh, Gabrielle’s husband? Well, you know what? I was just about to take those off anyway."
Carlos: "Oh. That's great. I really appreciate this, Scott."
Scott: "Hey, no problem. To tell you the truth, Gabrielle’s pages weren't exactly raking in the big bucks for me."
Carlos: "I find that hard to believe."
Scott: "I'm not saying Gabrielle’s not a pretty girl. Of course she is. But, uh, she ain't exactly internet pretty, you know?"
Carlos: "What does that mean?"
Scott: "The web's about fantasy, not fashion. I mean, guys surfing for porn, they don't care how the clothes are hanging off the body. They just want to see the goods. So, uh, if little miss nasty ain't rocking some curves..."
Carlos: "My wife has a perfect figure."
Scott: "Don't get me wrong, yeah. Our little Gaby knows how to, uh, work a runway, but, uh, when it comes to cyber loving? No real man's gonna waste tissue on that. There you go. That's all of 'em. So, we cool now?"

Outside Scott's Studio

Scott crashes through the window. Carlos comes out flexing his fist. Gabrielle smiles.

Gabrielle: "Now that's my guy."

Lynette's House

Tom walks in.

Lynette: "Hey."
Tom: "Hey."
Lynette:You're not limping. Did everything go okay?"
Tom: "I couldn't do it."
Lynette: "What happened?"
Tom: "I don't know. I got there, I, I put on the paper gown and I, uh, I just couldn't do it."
Lynette: "Why not?"
Tom: "It felt like I was being emasculated."
Lynette: "Oh, please."
Tom: "I'm serious, Lynette. I don't make the money around here anymore. I don't provide for you and the kids. And I wasn't gonna let them snip out the last thing that makes me a man."
Lynette: "Staying home and taking care of the kids doesn't make you less of a man. That's crazy."
Tom: "You expect me to calm your irrational fears. I expect you to calm mine."
Lynette: "Are you saying you're unhappy?"
Tom: "A little bit, yeah."
Lynette: "Well, what we gonna do about that?"
Tom: "I don't know."
Lynette: "Well, can’t we just-?"
Tom: "No, Lynette. I don't know."

Tom goes upstairs.

Bree's House - Nighttime

Bree comes in with a grocery bag and pushes the answering machine play button.

Detective Barton (on the machine): "Hi, it's Detective Barton. Look I feel awful about what happened the other day. I was a jerk, so to make it up to you, I did some sniffing around about the dead man they found in front of your neighbor's house. I got some information. His name was Curtis Monroe. A private detective who lost his license a couple years ago. He's apparently from Chicago. Now, I don't if any of this is helpful but... "

Bree stops the tape and rewinds.

Detective Barton: "...couple of years ago. He's apparently from Chicago. Now, I don’t know if any of this is helpful, but I just feel terrible about what happened."

Lynette's House - Nighttime

"Illness can take on many forms. Those of the body are easy to treat. Much more difficult are the hidden maladies that fester in our hearts."

Lynette is applying lotion to all her kids with chicken pox. She turns and looks at Tom.

Ralph's House - Nighttime

Ralph is looking at websites on his computer.

"The secret addictions that consume our souls."

Outside Bree's House - Nighttime

Bree is on her front porch drinking wine.

"And the diseases we deny which affect our judgment."

Hospital

Dr. Ron sees Susan waiting for him and smiles. Susan hands him a basket of muffins.

"To survive we need to find that special someone who can heal us."

Noah's House

A nurse is changing the intravenous needle on Noah’s arm.

Noah: "I worked so hard on my life, so hard. Now it's all nothing. I've got one daughter I hate, one who hates me. And one dead before her time. No one left for me now. Ah, what did I do it for?"

He looks at his arm and sees the nurse is done inserting the needle.

Noah: "That was good. I didn’t feel a thing. I have enough pain. I don’t need anymore."

"But we can never predict who have the cure for what ails us."

Nurse: "The other nurses all warned me you were difficult, Mr. Taylor."

"Or when they'll show up."

Mrs. Tilman: "But I think we're gonna get along just fine."

~ The End ~

This transcript was compiled and completed on January 29, 2006 by Amanda (desperate_housewives at yahoo dot com), Lucy, and Juan Bravo.
Last Update: January 29, 2006

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