This was typed by Lucy, Juan Bravo, Foxhidden, and Amanda, mere humans, and mistakes are possible. If you find any, no matter how trivial, please let me know. (desperate_housewives at yahoo dot com)

In the interest of finishing the transcripts faster, screen caps will no longer be placed on the transcripts. You can find screen caps at the following websites:
Desperate Housewives
Wisteria Lane
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If you know of any other screen caps sites, please e-mail them to me: (desperate_housewives at yahoo dot com)

Guest stars
"Andrew Van de Kamp" - Shawn Pyfrom
"Danielle Van de Kamp" - Joy Lauren
"Matthew Applewhite" - Mehcad Brooks
"Preston Scavo" - Brent Kinsman
"Porter Scavo" - Shane Kinsman
"Parker Scavo" - Zane Huett
"Caleb" - Nashawn Kearse
"Curt Monroe" - Michael Ironside
"Justin" - Ryan Carnes
"Ida Greenberg" - Pat Crawford Brown
"Alberta Fromme" - Betty Murphy
"Ralph" - Alejandro Patino

Written by: Joey Murphy & John Pardee
Directed by: Wendey Stanzler

Bree's House - Nighttime

Bree is hosting a dinner party. As Bree checks the table with food on it, a couple in the background are kissing.

"Kisses are such simple things, we hardly notice them."

Bree walks around her home, ensuring her guests are all having a good time.

"But if we paid more attention, we'd see that each kiss conveys a meaning all its own. For example, some can say, ‘I'm so happy to see you.’"

Bree kisses the cheeks of newly arriving guests.

"Or, ‘I didn't realize you'd be here.’"

Two women guests air kiss each other, then wave goodbye.

Female Guest #1: "Bye."

"Or ‘honey, it's time to stop drinking.’"

Two male guests drink and laughing. A wife approaches one of the men and casually removes the drink from his hand, then leans in to kiss him.

"The trick is in knowing how to tell the difference."

In the kitchen, Gabrielle, Edie, Bree, Tom, and Karl are standing around the counter talking and laughing.

Gabrielle: "So, I finally said, if I'm head cheerleader, then nobody wears panties."
Tom: "Yeah! I just want you to know as a former member of my high school marching band, I would've appreciated that."
Edie: "Wait a second, you were a band geek? Oh, I don't believe it."

Lynette joins them and stands next to Tom.

Gabrielle: "What did you play?"
Lynette: "He played the tuba. I have pictures."
Gabrielle: "The tuba, huh?"
Tom: "Yeah, go ahead, come on, come on, get your licks in, go ahead."
Gabrielle: "No, no, not at all. As a matter of fact, all of my secret crushes were on the band geeks."
Tom: "Come on, I know you cheerleader types. You wouldn't have said "boo" to guys like me. No, you were more interested in the guys like, like this."

He points to Karl.

Tom: "Now, I take it you didn't play the tuba."
Karl: "No, I didn't."
Tom: "All I know is, I was a lonely, insecure tuba player. Girls like Gabrielle would just rip my heart out."
Edie: "Aw."
Tom: "I didn't even had my first kiss until I was eighteen."
Karl: "Eighteen?"
Tom: "Pathetic, I know."
Gabrielle: "Poor baby. I would've kissed you."
Tom: "No, you wouldn't have."
Gabrielle: "Yes, I would have."
Tom: "No, you wouldn't have. And it's okay, Gaby. Those scars healed a long time ago."
Gabrielle: "Oh, for god sakes, come here. Now on behalf of all the cheerleaders in the world, forgive us."

Gabrielle holds Tom’s face in her hands and gives Tom a long kiss. Karl applauds and Edie cheers.

"Yes, kisses mean different things to different people."

Gabrielle lets go of Tom and he falls off his chair. The crowd laughs and cheers.

"Ultimately, the meaning depends on the one who does the kissing..."

Lynette looks on, silent. The crowd continues to cheer.

Karl: "Wowie."
Edie: "Cheers."

"And the who sees it happen."

Opening Credits

Bree's House - Nighttime

Bree says goodbye to the last of her guests.

"After every party comes the time for cleaning. We attend to the champagne that was spilled..."

Bree sees a glass of champagne tipped over onto her table. She wipes it up quickly.

"...the knickknacks that got broken..."

Edie sweeps up a broken vase on the floor.

"...the food that went uneaten..."

Lynette cleans up the dining room table and carries some trays into the kitchen where Gabrielle is washing dishes.

Gabrielle: "Oh, here, let me take that."

"...and whatever other messes need cleaning up."

Lynette: "So, uh, Gaby, you know that thing you and Tom did tonight? The, the kiss?"
Gabrielle: "Was that hysterical? The look on Tom's face!"
Lynette: "Yeah. I know this sounds silly, but, it kind of bugged me."
Gabrielle: "You're not serious."
Lynette: "Yeah, I am. I don't, I don't want to make a big deal out of it, but, uh, could you maybe not do that again?"
Gabrielle: "Okay."
Lynette: "Thanks. Okay."

Lynette pats Gabrielle’s arm. Susan, Edie and Bree enter the kitchen.

Susan: "Hey, what happened to the Applewhites? I thought you were gonna invite them."
Bree: "I did. Betty never R.S.V.P.'d."
Edie: "What do you guys think about the Applewhites?"
Susan: "I like 'em, very nice. Very..."
Bree: "…interesting."
Susan: "Right, interesting."
Edie: "Hmm, they weird me out, too."
Susan: "Well, that's not what we're saying."
Bree: "Not exactly, anyway."

Gabrielle suddenly turns to Lynette standing next to her.

Gabrielle: "You know, we were just having fun, entertaining the crowd."
Lynette: "Oh, sure, but maybe next time you could try juggling instead."
Edie: "What's going on?"
Gabrielle: "Nothing."
Edie: "Really? I sense a little tension."
Lynette: "No, no tension." (to Gabrielle) "What?"
Gabrielle: "You make it sound like I was making a pass at your husband. And that's just a little bit insulting."
Lynette: "I just said it bugged me. Why is that a problem?"
Edie: "Is this about that kiss?"
Susan: "What kiss?"
Edie: "Oh, you were in the living room. Gaby planted a big, wet kiss on Tom as a joke. It was hilarious."
Gabrielle: "You see?"
Bree: "Yeah, but to be fair to Lynette, you are an ex-model. And surely it must have dawned on you that some women might prefer it if you didn't kiss their husbands."
Lynette: "That's all I'm saying."
Susan: "Oh, you guys, we're all friends. This isn't something to get worked up over."
Gabrielle: "I'm not worked up."
Lynette: "Me neither."
Edie: "Hey, everyone, did you see what Kathy Lewis was wearing tonight? And whoever told her that she could get away with those vertical stripes should be shot."

Outside Bree's House - Nighttime

Bree kisses Susan goodbye.

Bree: "Oh. Bye, sweetie."

Susan begins walking home. She looks over at Paul’s house and sees Zach putting the trash out. Zach waves and Susan waves back. Susan runs over to Mike’s house and knocks on the door. Mike answers.

Susan: "Zach is back!"
Mike: "Yeah, yeah, I know."
Susan: "You do?"
Mike: "Yeah, he's been back for a couple of days now."
Susan: "Well, that's great, isn't it?"
Mike: "Yeah."
Susan: "I thought you'd be happy about it. I thought that's what you wanted."
Mike: "I was hoping that I'd slowly establish a relationship with Zach and then when we were comfortable, I'd tell him I was his real dad. But now Paul's back."
Susan: "And he doesn't want you anywhere near him."
Mike: "He's threatened to tell the police everything that happened in the desert, that I held a gun to his head."
Susan: "Well, it's your word against his."
Mike: "But he doesn't have a record and I do."
Susan: "You know, despite what I did, sending Zach away, I want you two to connect. I hope you know that."
Mike: "I do. And on the bright side, I don't have to wonder where he is anymore."

Paul's House - Nighttime

Paul is reading some paperwork with a bunch of books on the counter in front of him. Zach is putting a new trash bag into the trash can.

Paul: "It says that you can do a report on anything from the suggested reading list, which includes The Old Man and The Sea, The Pearl, Much Ado About Nothing. Hmm. That sounds good. What do you like?"
Zach: "I don't care."
Paul: "Let's start with The Pearl. It's got a sad ending, but it's good. We'll start with that. You know, it's not gonna be so bad. I think you’re really gonna like being home schooled. Okay, I know this isn't what you want. But I need to keep you close to me just for a while. There are people in this neighborhood who aren't thrilled that we're back. People I don't trust."
Zach: "People like Mike Delfino?"
Paul: "Why would you say that?"
Zach: "When you disappeared, Mrs. Tilman said that Mike took you somewhere to kill you."
Paul: "That's ridiculous. Why would Mike wanna kill me?"
Zach: "Because you murdered Mrs. Huber?"
Paul: "What did you say?"
Zach: "Well, Mrs. Tilman said that you murdered Mrs. Huber because she was blackmailing mom."
Paul: "And you believed her?"
Zach: "No, not exactly. I mean, why? Should I?"
Paul: "Zach, you know me better than anyone. Do you honestly believe that I am capable of murder?"
Zach: "No."
Paul: "All right, then."
Zach: "Of course, I didn't think mom was capable of suicide, either."
Paul: "On second thought, why don't we start with Much Ado About Nothing? I think we could use a few laughs around here."

Bree's Front Yard - Nighttime

Andrew is saying goodnight to Justin while Bree watches out the window.

Andrew: "Yeah, man, yeah, he sure is. I just, probably."
Justin: "Yeah."

Andrew kisses Justin passionately. Bree snaps the glass she is holding.

Bree's House

Bree is on the couch. She pours herself a large glass of wine and drinks. Andrew walks in.

Andrew: "Hey."
Bree: "Get over here. Now."
Andrew: "Somebody's angry. Did one of your soufflés fall?"
Bree: "I saw what you did with your friend."
Andrew: "Oh, and you didn't turn into a pillar of salt. Good for you."
Bree: "This is not a joke, Andrew. What if the neighbors had seen you?"
Andrew: "Well, I'd hope they'd think that I'd landed a hottie."
Bree: "I may not be able to control what you do outside of this home, but while you are under this roof, you will not mock my values. If you so much as smile at that boy, so help me, I will ship you off to Camp Hennessey and I will not pick you up again until you are eighteen. Do I make myself clear?"

Bree starts walking up stairs. Andrew holds up the wine bottle.

Andrew: "Aren't you forgetting something? I know you like to knock a few back before bedtime. Go on, take it. It's okay. We both know that of the two of us, I'm the one that doesn't judge."

Betty's Basement

Matthew places a tray outside of Caleb’s locked room. He begins closing the door to lock Caleb in.

Caleb: "Please. I don't wanna stay down here."
Matthew: "I, I know. I'm sorry, K. I'm sorry."

Matthew closes and locks the door. Betty comes downstairs.

Betty: "Matthew, I think we might have termites. You need to take a look at those steps before one of us breaks our neck. What's the matter? Is your brother okay?"
Matthew: "No, he's not. He hates it down here. He wants to be with us. You're being cruel."
Betty: "If you are so concerned about him, you should spend less time on your computer and more time down here keeping him company."

Caleb listens through the door.

Betty: "We're bringing him up, but not until I am sure that it's safe."

Outside Betty's House - Daytime

A car is parked with the radio playing loudly. Monroe sits inside and uses his inhaler. He picks up a clipboard and looks at it.

Edie jogs by. She slows down, then knocks on the car window.

Edie: "Hey, you!"
Monroe: "Yeah?"
Edie: "What's the deal? You've been parked on our street for two hours."
Monroe: "Oh, I'm doing a property appraisal. Some neighbors of yours are thinking about moving."
Edie: "The Applewhites?"
Monroe: "I'm not really allowed to say."
Edie: "I sold them that house. You know, this is my turf! Who do you work for? Geist Realty? Ah, Westside Properties. Yeah, well, whoever it is, you go back and you tell your bosses that nobody and I mean, nobody, buys or sells properties in this neighborhood without going through Edie Britt, you got that?"
Monroe: "Look, lady I just go where I'm told."
Edie: "You look, you cross me, and I will be your worst nightmare. I'm a dangerous woman. You don't wanna mess with me."
Monroe: "You got it."

Edie jogs away. Monroe picks up the newspaper on the seat next to him. Under the paper is an automatic.

Outside Susan's House - Daytime

Julie and Susan are getting out the her car as Zach approaches.

Zach: "Ms. Mayer."
Susan: "Zach."
Zach: "May I talk to you? I have some things that I need to say."
Susan: "Okay."
Zach: "I, I know that I did a lot of bad stuff, stuff that I'm not gonna be able to take back. Ms. Mayer, I'm, I'm really sorry. But when I was living on the streets, you know, I had a lot of time to, to just sit and think to myself and clear my head and, I've grown up, you know? I don't want you to worry. I'm not gonna be bothering you anymore. Either of you."
Susan: "Well, thanks. We appreciate that."
Zach: "Please don't tell my dad that I talked to you. He's just, he's been really intense lately."

Zach walks away.

Susan: "Well, what do you think?"
Julie: "He seems different. I believe him."
Susan: "Yeah, I can't believe I'm about to say this, but I feel sorry for him. It's like he's so fragile."
Julie: "I know, and he's locked in that house with Mr. Creepy twenty-four seven. Did you know that he's home schooling Zach now?"
Susan: "I think he should spend some time with a decent role model, don't you?"

Wisteria Lane - Daytime

Lynette and Bree drive up to each other from opposite directions. They stop in the middle of the street to talk.

Bree: "Hi!"
Lynette: "Hey, you're out early."
Bree: "Oh, I just wanted to pick up some fresh croissants for breakfast."
Lynette: "Oh, cool. Listen, I just wanted you to know I appreciated you backing me up last night, you know, with the kiss thing."
Bree: "To be honest, I don't think I would've liked it, either."
Lynette: "Yeah, but I probably should've just gone with it. Gaby was just being Gaby, having fun."
Bree: "No, I wouldn't be so hard on yourself, given her history."
Lynette: "What do you mean?"
Bree: "You know, the affair."
Lynette: "Gaby had an affair?"
Bree: "You didn't know?"
Lynette: "No!"
Bree: "I thought everybody knew. Oh, I feel awful."

Ida Greenberg pulls up behind Lynette’s car.

Bree: "Oh, Ida Greenberg's behind you."
Lynette (calling out to Ida): "Ida, just a second." (to Bree) "I am stunned. Who was it with?"
Bree: "I shouldn't have said anything."
Lynette: "Bree, come on, just tell me."

Ida honks.

Bree: "Her gardener."

Lynette looks into Gabrielle’s yard. An overweight garderner with his shirt off is trimming the hedge.

Lynette: "Oh, you're kidding!"
Bree: "No, no, not him. Helen Rowland's son, John."
Lynette: "The teenager?"

Ida honks again.

Lynette (to Ida): "Ida, wait, or go around!" (to Bree) "Does Gaby know that you know?"
Bree: "Absolutely not. I think the best thing to do is just smile and pretend you don't know anything."

Ida backs up and passes Lynette on the right, going onto the curb. Ida stares angrily at Lynette as she passes.

Mike's Driveway - Daytime

Mike is under his car working on it. Susan and Julie approach. Susan peeks underneath the car.

Susan: "Hi."

A startled Mike hits his head on the bottom of the car.

Susan: "Oh, sorry!"
Julie: "Are you okay?"

Mike rolls out from beneath the car.

Mike: "Yeah. I'm all right. What's up?"
Susan: "We have an idea how to bring you and Zach together. Bowling."
Mike: "Bowling."
Julie: "Yeah, I e-mailed Zach, and he said he's gonna meet us there. You can come, too."
Mike: "Does Paul know about this?"
Susan: "No, and we're not planning on telling him."
Mike: "I don't think that's a good idea, Susan."
Susan: "Mike, I'm part of the reason things got so screwed up. I just want a chance to make things right."
Mike: "And you're okay with this, being around Zach?"
Julie: "We talked to him. He's changed."
Mike: "Well, I guess we're going bowling."

Bree's House

Bree is carrying a breakfast tray to Andrew’s room.

Bree: "Wake up, sleepyhead. I brought fresh croissants for breakfast!"

Bree enters and finds Andrew and Justin in bed, naked, sleeping. Bree gasps. Justin sits up.

Justin: "Uh, hi, Mrs. Van de Kamp. I'm Justin, Andrew's lab partner, from school. Dude, wake up."
Bree: "Andrew, I want you downstairs. Now."

Bree leaves the room. Andrew smiles. Downstairs, Bree is pacing. Andrew comes down.

Bree: "Okay, first of all, I want you to march back upstairs and tell your friend he is no longer welcome in this house."
Andrew: "But we haven't even had breakfast yet!"
Bree: "I am serious, Andrew. You tell him to get out of here this second or I will call the police, and I will have him removed!"
Andrew: "Well, go ahead, call 'em."
Bree: "Oh, you think I won't?"
Andrew: "I just wonder how they'll react when they find out that you killed George Williams."
Bree: "I didn't kill George."
Andrew: "Well, no, but you sat there and let him die, which, I'm no lawyer, but I'm pretty sure there's a crime in there somewhere."
Bree: "Andrew..."
Andrew: "Don't get me wrong. I mean, I'm glad you did it. But when the cops get here, my official position will be, uh, "oh, my god, I'm being raised by a homicidal maniac." I think I might even throw in a few tears."
Bree: "You would actually let the police arrest your own mother?"
Andrew: "Hey, we all gotta cut the apron strings at some point."

Andrew goes back upstairs, leaving a shocked Bree.

Lynette's Driveway - Daytime

Tom takes Penny out of the car. Gabrielle is jogging down the road. Tom tries to carry the packages, as well as Penny.

Tom: "Come on, Penny. Let's get those groceries in there. Come on. Here we go. Get this one, and this one, and daddy, uh-oh!"

He drops a bag.

Tom: "Whoa!"

Gabrielle stops to help. Penny begins to cry.

Gabrielle: "Oh! Oh, it looks like you could use a hand."
Tom: "Bless you. Here, Gaby. And Penny!"

Tom hands Penny to Gabrielle.

Gabrielle: "Oh, come here, you sweet little thing."
Tom: "Well, thank you so much, Gaby. Come on in."

Lynette's House - Daytime

They enter the house.

Gabrielle: "Oh, god, um, Tom?"
Tom: "Yeah?"
Gabrielle: "Uh, I think she got sick."
Tom: "Oh, I'm so sorry. Usually, she only throws upon immediate family."
Gabrielle: "I'm honored."

Tom’s phone rings.

Tom: "Oh, um, do you mind just putting her in the playpen there? Hello."
Lynette (on the phone): "Guess what? Ed loved the pitch. I got off early!"
Tom: "You're kidding! That's great!"
Lynette: "Hey, I'm right by the supermarket. You want me to pick up anything?"
Tom: "Um, actually, I just came from there. Except, you know what? I forgot bread. Would you mind?"
Lynette: "Not at all."
Gabrielle: "Tom, I need to wipe up. Do you have a towel?"
Tom: "Sure, hold on."

Lynette hears Gabrielle.

Lynette's Driveway - Daytime

Lynette car speeds into her driveway and stops quickly. Lynette hurries out of the car and into the house. She finds Gabrielle and Tom wiping off Gabrielle's sweat shirt which she had removed.

Lynette: "Hey!"
Tom: "Hey, honey. Hey, did you get the bread?"
Lynette: "Oh, yeah, they were out."
Tom: "Of bread?"
Lynette: "Yeah. Hey, Gaby. A surprise seeing you here."
Gabrielle: "Well, I saw that Tom was overwhelmed, so I thought I'd give him a hand."
Lynette: "Really? Well, that was nice of you."
Gabrielle: "Is there a problem?"
Lynette: "No."
Gabrielle: "Really? Because I sense that you're annoyed you found me here when you weren't home. Am I wrong?"
Tom: "Lynette?"
Lynette: "Okay. Yeah. So exactly what are you doing here helping out?"
Gabrielle: "Damn it, Lynette, if this has to do with that stupid kiss the other night, I'm gonna lose it!"
Tom: "Whoa, whoa, whoa, what's going on?"
Gabrielle: "Lynette thinks I was hitting on you at Bree's party."
Tom: "That's ridiculous."
Lynette: "I never said that. What I said was it made me uncomfortable when you kissed him. It's obviously an issue for me. And yet, here you are, alone in my kitchen with my husband. So you tell me, are you hitting on him?"
Tom: "Lynette."
Gabrielle: "I can't believe you. I have done nothing to deserve this kind of mistrust."
Lynette: "Well, that's not entirely true."
Gabrielle: "What does that mean?"
Lynette: "Come on, Gaby. It's a small town. People talk."
Tom: "Okay, what's going on here?"
Gabrielle: "I'll tell you. Your wife doesn't trust me around you because I had an affair with my teenage gardener."
Tom: "Oh."

Gabrielle's House - Daytime

Carlos is putting on a miniature green set up in the living room.

Gabrielle: "So I know Susan Mayer would never tell. It must've been Helen Rowland. She probably blabbed to all the girls at the salon. And Ida Greenberg goes to that salon. So if Ida knows, the whole town knows. And we're just gonna have to move. That's all there is to it. Carlos, can you stop putting for two seconds and show me some support?"
Carlos: "What do you expect me to do? You brought this on yourself."
Gabrielle: "It was a harmless little kiss! Why is everybody making a big deal about this?"
Carlos: "Because you had an affair with an underage gardener. People don't think you're harmless. They see you as a predator."
Gabrielle: "You're enjoying this, aren't you? Punishing me, dangling the affair over my head? Well, I won't tolerate it."
Carlos: "Really? So just what are you gonna do about it?"
Gabrielle: "I'm gonna let you even the score. Carlos, go have an affair."
Carlos: "What?"
Gabrielle: "I had my little indiscretion. So you go have yours. Get it out of your system. I know you want to."
Carlos: "I do not."
Gabrielle: "Sure you do. Knock yourself out. Call up an old college flame. Rent a call girl. Fly to Africa and nail that little nun you've been drooling over. I don't care!"
Carlos: "You're crazy."
Gabrielle: "No, I'm pragmatic. Because once you finish your fling, we'll be equals again. And then you won't be able to judge me. And we can go back to being a boring, average married couple. Oh, just do me a favor. Don't bring back any diseases."

Lynette's House - Nighttime

Tom and Lynette are getting ready for bed.

Tom: "Are you sure you're not overreacting to this whole Gabrielle thing?"
Lynette: "Maybe. Yes. But Gaby doesn't think she did anything wrong. That's not right, either."
Tom: "I guess."
Lynette: "You're an attractive man. There is a primal need for a woman to protect what is hers. My initial impulse was justified."
Tom: "So you really think she's into me?"
Lynette: "I don't know."
Tom: "Because you're right. I am an attractive man. You know what? I've never told you this, but sometimes when I bend down to pick up the morning paper, I catch Bree Van de Kamp checking me out."
Lynette: "You're kidding."
Tom: "No, scout's honor. I've always exuded a certain sexual magnetism, and as I get older, I think it's only becoming more intense."
Lynette: "Are you drunk?"
Tom: "Oh, I'm a hot guy living in a neighborhood filled with nothing but lonely ladies. They can't help themselves. I'm like, catnip."

Lynette laughs and pulls Tom to her to kiss him.

Lynette: "Come here."
Tom: "What was that for?"
Lynette: "Thank you. Thank you for reminding me that I am the only woman in the whole world who could love an idiot like you. I'll talk to Gaby."
Tom: "I'm telling you, these women want me."
Lynette: "Oh, yeah."
Tom: "They see the rippling muscles underneath this t-shirt..."
Lynette: "Good night, Tom."
Tom: "They cannot resist me."
Lynette: "Shut up and go to sleep."

Outside Betty's House - Daytime

Matthew and Betty get in the car and Matthew drives away from the house. Monroe, parked in his car, gets out and walks into the Applewhite yard. He jimmys open the French doors and goes inside.

Betty's House - Daytime

Monroe comes downstairs and looks around. He goes into the kitchen and sees the basement door. He goes downstairs and sees the locked door.

Monroe: "Son of a bitch."

With bolt cutters, Monroe cuts open the locks. Caleb wakes up to the noise. Monroe opens the door and sees Caleb chained to the bed.

Monroe: "You gotta be kidding me."

Caleb is frightened by Monroe and tries to get away, but the chains prevent him from moving too far.

Monroe: "Whoa, whoa. I'm here to help you, Caleb. All right?"

Monroe points at the shackles around Caleb’s wrists. He approaches and unlocks them.

Caleb: "Mommy's gonna be mad."
Monroe: "Don't you worry about that. Moms love me. All right, let's go."
Caleb: "No!"
Monroe: "Okay, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have talked to you like that. Let's start over."

Monroe punches Caleb. Caleb falls over.

Later, in the living room, Monroe looks outside. He goes back to the basement door and looks down at Caleb, who's sitting at the bottom of the steps, handcuffs around his wrists.

Monroe: "Let's go."

Caleb doesn't move. Monroe pulls out a gun.

Monroe: "I'm warning you, pinhead, don't you make me come down there after you. Come on. Come on! All right, you asked for it. I'm gonna beat the stupid right out of you."

Monroe begins stomping down the stairs, but they collapse beneath him. As he falls through, his gun goes off, shooting him in the chest. He is wedged into the stair and sees the blood. He looks at the gun and realizes what happened. He passes out and drops he gun.

Later, Betty and Matthew come home and walk inside. They see Caleb sitting at the kitchen table eating ice cream.

Betty: "Caleb?"
Caleb: "I didn't do it."

Betty and Matthew go to the basement. They look downstairs and see Monroe is dead.

Betty: "Oh, dear."

Edie's House - Daytime

Bree, with a basket of muffins, knocks on the door and Karl answers. She hands him the muffins.

Karl: "Well, hey there."
Bree: "Hi, Karl. Oh! Oh, um, quick question, when someone discusses a sensitive situation with a lawyer such as yourself, when does attorney client confidentiality kick in?"
Karl: "From the moment the lawyer's been hired. Why?"
Bree: "Here's a check for a hundred dollars. That's enough for a retainer, right?"
Karl: "I guess. What's going on, Bree?"
Bree: "My son is trying to blackmail me. And I want you to stop the little S.O.B. Do you think you could do that?"

Betty's Basement

Betty and Matthew are going through Monroe’s wallet.

Betty: "He has an Illinois license. It says here his name is Monroe. Does that name mean anything to you?"
Matthew: "No, but at least he wasn't a policeman."
Betty: "Poor man. I hope he didn't suffer too much."
Matthew: "Mom, are we looking at the same body?"

They hear a cell phone ring coming from Monroe. Matthew goes to the body and gets the cell phone.

Betty: "What is it?"

Matthew shows his mother the cell, which indicates "Foster" is calling Monroe.

Betty: "As soon as it gets dark, we get rid of that body."

Gabrielle's House - Daytime

Gabrielle is at the blender making a smoothie. Lynette walks in.

Lynette: "Hey. Um, I hope it's okay. Carlos let me in."
Gabrielle: "Actually, I'm right in the middle of something, and I don't know when I'll be done."
Lynette: "I'm just here to say I am sorry, and I have been a complete idiot."
Gabrielle: "All done."

Later, Gabrielle and Lynette are sitting at the table having a smoothie, laughing together.

Lynette: "So cute. 'cause it's beautiful!"

Carlos walks in.

Carlos: "Is the coast clear?"
Gabrielle: "Yes, it is. We worked it out."
Carlos: "No kidding. How'd you manage that one?"
Gabrielle: "Simple. Lynette admitted she was wrong and I agreed."
Lynette: "Well, ninety-nine percent wrong."
Gabrielle: "Oh, whatever, close enough."
Lynette: "Anyway, Tom's probably got dinner ready by now. So I should get going."
Gabrielle: "Okay."

Lynette: "Good night. Bye!"

Lynette leaves, then walks right back in.

Lynette: "You know what the one percent is, right?"
Gabrielle: "No, not really. Does it matter?"
Lynette: "It kinda does. I wanna get it clear for our friendship."
Gabrielle: "Okay. What's the one percent?"
Lynette: "Well, well, yes, I overreacted. I think you can see how even though I was somewhat off base, you were a little wrong, right?"
Gabrielle: "No. I kissed Tom, and it was a harmless joke. I think if I had kissed anybody else's husband, they would've laughed and then forgot about it ten seconds later."
Lynette: "Okay, let's test that theory."

Lynette grabs Carlos and begins kissing him passionately.

Gabrielle: "See? I don't care. That's just a waste of time and spit. Oh. Okay. Okay, okay, okay."

Gabrielle pulls them apart.

Gabrielle: "Okay! Okay! I get your point."
Lynette: "All righty, then, my work here is done. Carlos, Gaby."

Bowling Alley

Julie is bowling, while Susan and Mike watch.

Susan: "Go!"
Mike: "Not bad."

Mike turns and sees Zach approaching.

Mike: "Hey, there he is."
Susan: "Zach, I'm glad you could make it."
Mike: "Hey, Zach."
Zach: "Mr. Delfino, I didn't know you were gonna be here."
Mike: "Yeah, I was just bowling a few frames and ran into these guys. I thought I might join you. Is that okay?"
Zach: "Yeah, I guess."

Susan bowls.

Susan: "Oh! Okay, write that down. Nine!
Mike: "Wise guy."

Zach gets up to bowl.

Mike: "All right, just roll it in there nice and easy."

Zach rolls a gutter ball.

Zach: "Sorry."
Mike: "It's okay. We're still close. Anyway, Julie's totally gonna choke."
Julie: "Just for that, I am not bringing you back a hot dog. Zach, do you want one?"
Zach: "Okay."

Julie leaves. Zach gets up to bowl, but turns toward Susan and Mike.

Susan: "You okay?"
Zach: "Yeah, I'm fine, it's just, I don't understand what you're doing."
Mike: "What do you mean?"
Zach: "Well, I don't understand why you're being so nice to me. I mean, I pointed a gun at you guys. I, I, you should hate me."
Susan: "We don't hate you, Zach. You had an incredibly hard year. And you shouldn't have done what you did, but we just wanna help you move on."
Mike: "Look, um, when I was young, I got mixed up in some really bad stuff. I even did some time in prison."
Zach: "Really?"
Mike: "Yeah, but when I got out, people were willing to forgive me. Everybody deserves a second chance."
Zach: "Thanks."
Susan: "You know, I'm gonna go, uh, help Julie with the food. So you guys just keep talking and bowling. Talk and bowl. Bowl and talk."
Mike: "Here, let me show you something. See the arrows right in the middle? Just roll it straight over the one in the center. Okay. You don't have to spin it or anything. Just right down the middle. Look at that! Good job."

Mike puts his hand on Zach’s shoulder and Susan watches from the food counter.

Outside Betty's House - Nighttime

Betty and Matthew are putting Monroe's body into the truck of his car.

Betty: "Hurry up!"
Matthew: "I am hurrying up, okay?"

Betty closes the trunk.

Matthew: "Wait, no! No! No!"
Betty: "What?"
Matthew: "I dropped the keys. I don't have 'em. They're in here!"

Betty starts to laugh and Matthew looks at her.

Betty: "Sometimes you just have to laugh."

Bree's House - Daytime

Andrew is playing video games when Bree and Karl walk in.

Bree: "Andrew? Would you mind turning off your video game? My lawyer would like to have a little chat with you."

Later, Karl and Andrew are sitting at the table and Bree is serving food.

Karl: "So even though your mother did witness George Williams' suicide, there's no affirmative duty to intervene. Therefore, no crime was committed. Even if the police find out, your mom will never see the inside of a courtroom."
Andrew: "Well, maybe I got the story wrong. What if she went over there to help him commit suicide?"
Bree: "If you wanna lie to the police, go right ahead. But please know that I will sue you."
Andrew: "For what?"
Karl: "Abuse of process. It's when a person tries to exploit the legal system for an improper purpose, like blackmail."
Andrew: "You guys can't sue me. I'm just a kid."
Bree: "Oh, don't worry. I won't start garnishing your wages until you turn eighteen."
Karl: "Your mom, is she a peach or what?"
Andrew: "If the cops don't give a damn, I'm sure your friends will. How does a little public humiliation sound?"

Karl hands Bree his coffee cup.

Karl: "Bree, can I get a refill on this?"

Bree leaves the room. Karl grabs Andrew.

Andrew: "What are you doing?"

Karl slams Andrew against the wall.

Karl: "Your father was a friend of mine. And if he were around to see what a nasty little turd you've turned into, he'd knock the hell out of you."
Andrew: "Yeah, well, he's not here now, is he?"

Andrew starts to walk away. Karl grabs him and slams him against the wall again. He grabs Andrew’s face.

Karl: "No, he isn't, but if you don't get your act together and start treating your mother with some respect, I'll take care of you myself. Do you understand what I'm saying?"
Andrew: "Yeah."
Karl: "Good."

Bree, still in the kitchen, stands right out of view from the dining room, listening.

Outside Lynette's House - Daytime

Lynette is walking up her steps when Carlos approaches.

Carlos: "Hey, neighbor."
Lynette: "Oh, hey, Carlos. Hi."
Carlos: "I just wanted to thank you for patching things up with Gaby."
Lynette: "Well, sure, no problem."
Carlos: "It's been really tough on her. Everybody finding out about the affair."
Lynette: "Yeah, I can imagine."
Carlos: "I don't mind telling you, it's, uh, it's been pretty tough on us the past couple months."
Lynette: "Oh, well, I'm not surprised, and I really, really hope you can work it out."
Carlos: "Yeah, we're trying. You know..."
Lynette: "Yeah?"
Carlos: "Gaby had an interesting suggestion."
Lynette: "Oh?"
Carlos: "She told me that I should go out and have an affair of my own. She thinks it's the only way I'll be able to get over what she did to me and that it just might help our marriage."
Lynette: "Why are you telling me this?"
Carlos: "I guess I just, uh, wanted to know if you had any thoughts on the subject?"
Lynette: "I don't. I really don't."
Carlos: "Well, if you ever do, let me know. By the way..."
Lynette: "Mm-hmm?"
Carlos: "That was one hell of a kiss you gave me. You can't fake chemistry like that."

Carlos walks away.

Paul's House

Zach is asleep on his bed. Paul walks in. He removes an open book that's lying on Zach's chest and puts it on the desk. He sees a bowling score card in the trash can. He picks it up and sees Susan, Julie, Mike and Zach’s names. He throws the book on Zach’s chest, waking him up.

Paul: "What the hell is this?"

Outside Mike's House - Daytime

Paul storms out of his front door to Mike’s house. Mike is in the front yard, raking.

Paul: "Delfino?"

He punches Mike.

Paul: "Stay away from my son!"

Paul walks back toward his house as Susan backs out of her driveway. Mike gets up and chases Paul. Susan looks over just as Mike tackles Paul.

Susan: "Oh, my god!"

Paul and Mike wrestle. Susan, watching them, does not see the oncoming car. The car honks and Susan swerves, hitting Monroe’s car, which is still parked in front of the Applewhite house. The trunk pops up. Zach runs out to his father. Mike runs after Susan’s car. The Applewhites come out of their house.

Zach: "Dad!"
Mike: "You okay?"
Susan: "I'm fine."

Mrs. Fromme, walking her cat, looks in the opened trunk, and screams. Everyone walks over and sees the dead man in the trunk. Susan and Mike look at Paul, who raises his hands in denial.

Wisteria Lane - Nighttime

Police are all over. Susan is talking to a police detective.

Susan: "So I swerved to avoid hitting his car and I hit this parked car instead. That's when the trunk top opened. When we got out, we found this dead body."

Betty and Matthew stand on their porch, watching all the police activity.

Matthew: "Are you worried now? 'Cause I am."
Betty: "Not yet. Let's be patient. See what happens."

Susan approaches Bree, Edie, Lynette and Gabrielle.

Bree: "How'd it go?"
Susan: "Well I told them everything I know which wasn’t much."
Gabrielle: "So we thinking this is Paul?"
Lynette: "Well, he is our friendly neighborhood murderer."
Bree: "Yes, it seems obvious."
Susan: "I don’t know. I saw his face when he looked into the trunk and he looked just as shocked as I was."
Edie: "I'm thinking it's the Applewhites. I talked to the dead guy and that he said he was doing appraisal on their house. Well, I got a little cheesed so I called every realtor in town. Nobody had even heard of him."
Lynette: "That doesn’t mean Betty knew him."
Edie: "Please. Those two are fishy. They bought that house sight unseen."
Gabrielle: "And they did move in the middle of the night."
Susan: "And there were the noises."
Bree: "What noises?"
Susan: "Oh, a couple weeks ago I heard some noises coming from the basement like a clanging. And I asked Betty about it. She lied right to my face."
Lynette: "What's that about?"
Susan: "I don’t know."

All the ladies turn and stare at the Applewhites. Betty waves and they wave back.

Betty: "Now I'm worried."

Outside Paul's House - Nighttime

Zach is on his porch, playing his guitar when a car pulls up in front of Susan’s house. Julie gets out of the car.

Zach: "Julie."
Julie: "Hi."
Zach: "Hi. Well, my dad found out about us bowling. I’m not going to be able to do that anytime soon."
Julie: "Oh, sorry."
Zach: "No, no I'm glad that we did. I haven’t felt like part of a family in a long time. Thanks. I, uh, I'd better get back inside."

Julie kisses Zach on the cheek.

"The act itself never varies."

Lynette's House - Nighttime

"But each kiss carries with it a meaning all its own. It can convey a husband's eternal devotion."

Tom grabs Lynette and begins kissing her.

Gabrielle's House - Nighttime

"Or a wife's enormous regret."

Gabrielle hugs and kisses Carlos.

Betty's House - Nighttime

"It can symbolize a mother's growing concern."

Betty kisses Matthew in the forehead.

Outside Bree's House - Nighttime

"Or a lover's growing passion."

Andrew and Justin are making out.

Edie's House - Nighttime

"But whatever its meaning, each kiss..."

Karl and Edie are on the couch together. They kiss.

Mrs. Fromme's House - Nighttime

"...reflects a basic human need."

Mrs. Fromme hugs her cat, whispering to it.

Bree's House - Nighttime

"The need to connect to another human being."

Bree is staring lovingly at a photo of Rex. She places a kiss on her fingers then touches Rex’s lips.

Outside Paul's House - Nighttime

Julie and Zach are staring into each other’s eyes.

"This desire is so strong it's always amazing when some people…"

From the house, Paul stares out of the window, watching them.

"...don’t understand it."

~ The End ~

This transcript was compiled and completed on January 15, 2006 by Amanda (desperate_housewives at yahoo dot com), Lucy, and Juan Bravo.
Last Update: January 15, 2006

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