Ultimate Desperate Housewives

Episode 02.10 - "Coming Home"

Mary Alice: "There were many ways to tell Bree Van De Kamp was a lady. She was courteous to those around her, she moved with elegance and grace. And she was very careful to never let others know what she was thinking. You see, like most well-bred women, Bree had something to hide."

Bree: "I don't understand. I mean, what would George be doing with a life-sized doll? Oh, dear lord."

Mary Alice: "It's a story as old as time itself - the return of the prodigal son. And no matter how many times it's repeated or how the details might vary, or how the names might change, the story always ends the same way, in the tender embrace of a loving father."

Monroe: "What the hell's this?"
Jerry: "It's the ball gag. I thought you wanted it."
Monroe: "We do not recycle ball gags. Take a look at the teeth marks. It's gross. I'd like to think that we're better than that."

Lynette: "So, he poisoned Rex?"
Gabrielle: "Sweet, little George Williams."
Bree: "Well, it turns out he wasn't so sweet after all. Anyway, uh, there's a chance that some of this may wind up in the paper, so I wanted you to hear it from me first."
Susan: "Bree, I'm so sorry."
Lynette: "Yeah, like you haven't been through enough."
Gabrielle: "God, and he's our pharmacist. It's enough to turn you holistic."

Susan: "You came!"
Addison: "Did I have a choice?"
Susan: "Well, sure."
Addison: "Because at the hospital you sounded like you were fully prepared to blackmail me into having some kind of a relationship with you."
Susan: "That was just the heat of the moment, and once you get to know me, you'll understand that I am not the kind of person who could ever, ever resort to blackmail."
Addison: "Well, I wish you'd made that clear in the hospital. Could've saved me a trip."
Susan: "So are you coming in?"
Addison: "Well, I got a lunch hour to kill."

Susan: "That was my first Halloween. I was two. What do you think I am?"
Addison: "I don't know."
Susan: "Oh, come on, just guess. You can tell."
Addison: "Uh, a homeless person?"
Susan: "No, Addison, I'm a chicken. See? Those are feathers hanging around."
Addison: "Oh. I thought that was supposed to be trash."

Ed: "Fran won't even let anyone else hold the baby."
Lynette: "Well, she won't just take some time off for a couple of hours?"
Ed: "Lynette, if I hadn't cut that umbilical cord with my own two hands, I swear they would still be attached."

Gabrielle: "You! What the hell did you do with my husband?"
Sister Mary: "Please restrain yourself, Gabrielle. You're in a house of God."
Gabrielle: "Tell me where he is!"
Sister Mary: "Everywhere, of course."
Gabrielle: "Not God, my husband."

Susan: "Hello, Edie. Do you have something you'd like to say?"
Edie: "No. That pretty much says it all."

Ed: "I'm sorry about the day care thing, Lynette, but Fran hardly ever lets me hold the kid. You know, since day one, all I ever got was, "support the head, support the head." I think I know how to support a damn baby head. Oh, let's just, let's just do this. I don't want to be here all night."
Lynette: "You're Mindy's father. You have a right to spend time with her."
Ed: "I know, but what can I do?"
Lynette: "You could stand up to Fran. If you don't, you'll just become more resentful, she'll get nuttier. And without a father figure, poor Mindy will grow up to be a stripper."
Ed: "A stripper?"
Lynette: "There's science to back that up."

Ed: "Fran was in the shower, so I just grabbed the baby and ran."
Lynette: "You took the baby without telling Fran?"

Pat: "Lynette, I have Tom on line two."
Lynette: "Pat, can you see here I'm holding a baby hostage? I will call back!"

Gabrielle: "She has you flying halfway across the world to help the poor and there's perfectly good poor right here. For god's sakes, give a buck to a homeless guy."
Carlos: "It's not the same."
Gabrielle: "No, it's better because you can do it in the comfort of your own car."

Nurse: "He didn't fill out the allergy section. "
Gabrielle: "Honey, he's going to a remote village in Africa. Does it really matter that he's allergic to eggs?"
Nurse: "Actually, yes. Eggs are on the list. He could have a severe reaction to the yellow fever vaccine, and he won't be getting out of bed, let alone leaving the country."
Gabrielle: "Really? Oh, don't write that down. I wasn't being specific. He's allergic to fish eggs."
Nurse: "Fish eggs?"
Gabrielle: "Poor baby's gone his whole life without caviar. Now that's suffering."

Mary Alice: "The stories are as old as time itself. The prodigal son who returns home to the father who forgives him. The jealous wife who tricks the husband who trusts her, the desperate mother who risks everything for the child who needs her, and the faithless husband who hurts the wife who loves him so deeply. Why do we listen again and again? Because these are the stories of family, and once we look past the fighting, pain and the resentment, we occasionally like to remind ourselves there is absolutely nothing more important."