This was typed by Lucy, Foxhidden, and Amanda, mere humans, and mistakes are possible. If you find any, no matter how trivial, please let me know. (desperate_housewives at yahoo dot com)

In the interest of finishing the transcripts faster, screen caps will no longer be placed on the transcripts. You can find screen caps at the following websites:
Desperate Housewives
Wisteria Lane
The Suburbs

If you know of any other screen caps sites, please e-mail them to me: (desperate_housewives at yahoo dot com)

Guest stars
"Andrew Van de Kamp" - Shawn Pyfrom
"Danielle Van de Kamp" - Joy Lauren
"Matthew Applewhite" - Mehcad Brooks
"Preston Scavo" - Brent Kinsman
"Porter Scavo" - Shane Kinsman
"Parker Scavo" - Zane Huett
"Caleb" - Nashawn Kearse
"George Williams" - Roger Bart
"Nina Fletcher" - Joely Fisher
"Dr. Goldfine" - Sam Lloyd
"Addison Prudy" - Paul Dooley
"Ed Ferrara"- Currie Graham
"Stu"- Charlie Babcock
"Sister Mary Bernard"- Melinda Page Hamilton
"Detective Barton"- Kurt Fuller
"Carol Prudy"- Joyce Van Patten
"Bellman" - Kamal Marayati
"Pat Ziegler" - Carol Mansell

Written by: Kevin Murphy
Directed by: Larry Shaw

Bree's House

"Anyone who'd ever been to a party at Bree Van de Kamp's thought of her as the perfect hostess because Bree knew how to take care of her guests. Her dinners were always served promptly."

Flashback to Bree serving dinner to a guest.

"Her liquor always flowed freely."

Flashback to Bree pouring wine for her guests.

"And her anecdotes were always enjoyable."

Flashback to Bree's guest laughing at a story Bree is telling.

"But on this night, the perfect hostess was about to find herself…"

Bree's House – Present Nighttime

Bree is serving coffee to her guests around her dining room table.

Female Guest: "Shhh. Where's that music coming from?"

"…in a very imperfect predicament."

Singing from outside can be heard.

Bree: "Ah, I'm not sure."

Bree walks to the window. Upon opening the curtain, she sees George singing into a microphone. A loud speaker on top of a van parked behind him is amplifying his voice and the music.

George (singing): "Don't give up on us, baby. We're still worth one more try."

Bree angrily closes the curtains. Calmly, she turns to her guests. George's singing can be heard in the background.

Bree: "If you'll excuse me for just one minute."
George (singing): "I know we put a last on by."

Bree leaves the room and goes outside.

Bree's House - Outside

Bree faces George.

George (singing): "Just for a rainy evening."
Bree: "George! I have guests! What do you think you are doing?"
George: "We had a tiff. I upset you and now I'm just trying to make things right again."
Bree: "It was not a tiff! We broke up! It's over!"
George (singing): "We can still come through!"
Bree: "I am not kidding. If you do not knock it off, I'm going to call the police!"
George: "All right, go ahead. (singing) "I really lost my head last night!"

He stops singing and yells into the microphone as Bree walks away.

George: "Call the police! If they drag me away, I'm only gonna come right back here. I want you to hear the whole medley! Come on!"

Bree enters her house to find all of her guests standing in the doorway of the dining room watching her.

Bree: "Why don't you all take your seats? Uh, dessert is about to be served."

Her guests go back to the dining room. Bree rushes upstairs.

In her bedroom, Bree pulls a long case out from under her bed. A shotgun and shells are in the case. She loads one shotgun shell and cocks the shotgun one-handed. She walks to the window.

George (singing): "I really lost my head last night. You've got a right to…"

George sees Bree at the window, aiming the shotgun toward him. He freezes. Bree shoots the speaker off the top of the van. Her guests inside are startled by the gun shot. George stares toward Bree in disbelief.

"Yes, Bree knew how to take care of her guests. Especially those who weren't invited."

Bree smiles down at a shocked George.

Opening Credits

Wisteria Lane - Daytime

A young boy dressed as a cowboy with a white hat peeks out from behind a bush.

"Good guys wear white hats and bad guys wear black."

Another little boy peeks out from a different bush wearing a black hat. They both come out and start shooting each other with their toy guns.

"This is how children distinguish between good and evil."

The little boy in the black hat pretends to be shot and falls down.

"But they soon learn that bad guys always don't look so bad."

They get up as George comes riding by on a blue bike. George waves and they wave back.

"And sometimes they seem downright friendly. That is until you get to know them a little bit better."

George continues up to Bree's house. Bree is walking to her car. George stops beside her.

George: "Hey, fancy seeing you here. I was just out for a little ride."
Bree: "Don't lie to me, George. You've been riding up and down this street for the last hour."
George: "I don't want to do this, Bree, but you won't return any of my phone calls."
Bree: "So stalking me is plan B?"

Bree gets into her car. George gets off the bike and goes to her car window.

George: "Bree, I know I messed up. I know I got some issues to work on, but I'd be willing to see a therapist if that's what you want. I'll do anything but how can I show you that I, I can change if you don't give me a second chance? Come on. You know I'm not a bad person."
Bree: "I do know that, but I'm just not sure you're a good one, either."

Bree starts her car and drives away quickly.

Advertising Agency

Lynette is making a presentation in the conference room to Nina and Ed. Her staff is also there.

Lynette: "And we integrated the corporate logo into the jungle background creating not only an ad for the clothing, but for the company, itself."
Ed: "I don't get it."
Lynette: "What, um, don't you get?"
Ed: "The whole idea just kinda makes my head hurt." (to Nina) "Is it just me?"
Nina: "No, nuh uh. You're right, it stinks."
Ed: "Sorry guys. Back to the drawing board. Well, I got tickets to a game." (to Nina) "Nina, you do whatever you have to do to keep us afloat here."
Nina: "Got it."

Ed leaves the room.

Nina: "Looks like it going to be another late night at the office. Nice work, everybody. Thank you."
Lynette: "Could you can the attitude, Nina?"
Nina: "I'm sorry, what did you just say?"
Lynette: "You're being rude and it's totally out of line. You know how hard we all worked on this."
Nina: "Yeah, I do."
Lynette: "Nina, I think I speak for everyone here when I say we are sick and tired of your abuse. Frankly, you owe us an apology."
Nina: "Is, is this true? I mean, I would be mortified if I thought that I hurt any of you. If anybody feels like I owe them an apology, please speak up. You? You? You? Gee, Lynette, I guess you were mistaken. All right, let's recap, shall we? Stinky pitch, working late, no apologies."

Nina leaves the room.

Lynette: "Guys, we talked about this. What happened to standing up for ourselves?"

Stu enters carrying a basket of muffins.

Stu: "Hot muffins! Any takers?"
Lynette: "No, Stu! These people don't deserve muffins."

All the staff members bow their heads.

Gabrielle's House

Gabrielle comes in carrying a shopping bag. The phone rings.

Gabrielle: "Hello."
Man's Voice: "Hello. My name is Mark Martinez. Uh, I'm the assistant warden down at Fairview County Jail. Is Mrs. Solis available?"
Gabrielle: "Uh, yeah, this is her. Did, did something happen with Carlos?"
Man's Voice: "At seven forty-three this morning, your husband held two guards at gunpoint and successfully escaped."
Gabrielle: "He what?"
Man's Voice: "I take it you had no prior knowledge he had planned to do this."
Gabrielle: "No, of course not! He's a moron!"
Man's Voice: "We have every reason to believe your husband may come to find you. We believe him to be armed and very, very horny."

Carlos walks into the room, talking on the phone.

Gabrielle: "What?"
Carlos: "Surprise, baby. I got paroled early."
Gabrielle: "It's so good to see you!"

Gabrielle runs into his arms. Carlos picks her up.

Gabrielle: "What happened?"
Carlos: "Well, there's this church group that helps out Catholic prisoners and they really, really stepped up for me."
Gabrielle: "Well, what did they do?"
Carlos: "They lobbied the Parole Board and it worked."
Gabrielle: "Mmm. I guess I owe the Pope a thank you note."
Carlos: "Uh, less talking, more stripping."

Carlos pulls off his tie. Gabrielle begins to undress.

Outside Prudy's Feed Store – Daytime

Susan and Julie pull up in their car.

Julie: "Ah. Prudy's Feed Store."
Susan: "Apparently he owns the place."
Julie: "How are you gonna do it?"
Susan: "What do you mean?"
Julie: "I mean, how are you gonna tell him that you're his daughter?"
Susan: "Oh, I'm not. Julie, the man abandoned me before I was born. I don't have a desire to have a relationship with him."
Julie: "Okay, then I'm really confused why we're here spying on him."
Susan: "I just want to see what he's like. And satisfy my curiosity and get it out of my system."

Inside Prudy's Feed Store

Susan enters. Addison Prudy is helping a customer.

Addison: "Well, here you go. Now, you tell Charlie that Addison Prudy says drop in some time. I miss that ugly mug of his around here."
Customer: "I will."

The customer leaves the store.

Addison (to Susan): "I bet I know what you're here for."
Susan: "Oh?"
Addison: "You heard about the give-a-way. Well, I got the cowboy hats right here."
Susan: "Oh, oh, no. That's okay, you don't have to give me anything, really."
Addison: "Relax. This is a promotional item. Didn't cost me a dime."

Addison brings a black cowbow hat over and puts it on Susan.

Addison: "There you go. Pretty as a picture."

Later, Susan comes running out of the feed store wearing the hat. She gets in her car.

Susan: "I have a Dad! He's great! He gave me a hat!"

Susan laughs and Julie smiles.

Gabrielle's House

Carlos and Gabrielle are in bed.

Gabrielle: "Wow. That biting thing at the end totally blew my mind. Please tell me you didn't learn that in prison."
Carlos: "Yeah, I didn't."

Carlos rolls over and closes his eyes.

Gabrielle: "Wait! I'm not done with you yet."
Carlos: "Just give me ten minutes, please."
Gabrielle: "What is wrong with you? You are totally useless after sex."
Carlos: "I know. I should probably get my thyroid checked out."

Gabrielle gets out of bed and picks up the plastic bag Carlos brought back from prison. She pulls out some letters.

Gabrielle: "Who is Sister Mary Bernard?"
Carlos: "Hey, those are private, gimme!"

Gabrielle moves out of reach.

Carlos: "She's this nun, okay? She visited me in prison a couple times. She's part of the group that got me early release. So now can I please have my them back."

Gabrielle reads the letter out loud.

Gabrielle: "'When you walk with God everyday, you learn that Truth is understood in the Mind, but Faith burns in the Heart'?"

Gabrielle laughs. Carlos grabs the letter.

Carlos: "You don't know what it was like in there. All right? Twenty hours a day, eight by ten cell, just you and your mind."
Gabrielle: "So pretty much just you."
Carlos: "It forces you to re-examine everything. I was a very bad person for a very long time. But now all that is gonna change. Because I'm on a new path."
Gabrielle: "A new path?"
Carlos: "I am going to live a virtuous life. I want to do right by you, by my mama, and by my God."
Gabrielle: "What the hell did they do to you in that prison?"

Bree's House - Daytime

Lynette is dealing cards to Susan (with cowboy hat on), Gabrielle, Bree, and Edie.

Lynette: "All right. This is my last hand, then I gotta go."
Bree: "All ready?"
Lynette: "I left a proposal on my desk at work. I have to go over it tonight, or you-know-who's gonna have my head."
Everyone: "Nina!"
Bree: "You know this gainful employment thing is really starting to cut into our social life."
Lynette: "Well, if one of you would just agree to raise my kids, I wouldn't need a job. Any takers?"

Edie laughs.

Lynette: "Yeah, no, I didn't think so. Ante up."
Edie: "Speaking of child abandonment, when are you gonna tell your father that he has a bouncing middle-aged baby girl?"
Susan: "Soon. I don't wanna ambush him. I'm gonna ease into it."
Gabrielle: "How do you ease into, ‘hi, I'm your illegitimate daughter'?"
Susan: "Well actually, there's a ‘help wanted' sign in the window so I was thinking about getting a job there. And, you know, he would get to know me and I'm sure he would like me and I would like him, and then one day he would say, ‘you're like the daughter I never had' and I'd say, ‘well actually, now that you've mentioned it.'"
Edie: "Okay, I'll go first. That is the most idiotic plan I've ever heard of."
Susan: "Why?"
Edie: "Because it all hinges on him responding to your personality. And let's face it, you are an acquired taste."
Lynette: "Edie! I am sure Susan's father will like her just fine."
Susan: "Thank you."
Bree: "I just hope you don't expect too much from this relationship. I mean aside from DNA, you might find that you don't have that much in common."
Susan: "I know. But I gotta find out if there's something there. I've always wanted a dad. I mean, I know not having one affected me."
Gabrielle: "Of course it did. Everyone needs a strong male role model."
Edie: "No, they don't. I grew up without a father and it didn't affect me one bit."
Lynette: "Edie, how old were you when you lost your virginity?"
Edie: "Point well taken."

Advertising Agency – Late Nighttime

Lynette comes into a darkened, empty office. She goes into her office and picks up a notebook off her desk. Across the hall, she sees Stu, wearing only his boxer shorts, running into Nina's office, carrying two bottles.

Stu: "Hey, look what I found in Ed's fridge."

Lynette quietly walks over to Nina's door.

Nina: "Oh. Oh."

Lynette peeks in the room and sees Nina, almost naked, on her desk, with Stu on top of her. Nina moans.

Then she opens her eyes and sees Lynette standing in the doorway.

Advertising Agency - Daytime

Lynette walks in.

Lynette: "Hey, Stu."

She walks over the coffee table where Nina is standing.

Lynette: "And Nina!"
Nina: "Hey, Lynette. Can I, um, see you for a second?"
Lynette: "Sure."

They go into Lynette's office.

Lynette: "Tsk, tsk, tsk. Having sex with the support staff. That's a big no-no. Ed's been known to fire people for that sort of thing."
Nina: "Lynette, I know that we've had our little differences. But, at the core, I believe that we are both good people, both smart women who are just trying to make it in this vicious male dominated jungle. Okay, what do you want? Do you want a raise? Want a better office?"
Lynette: "My demands are simple. I want you to be nicer."
Nina: "What?"
Lynette: "No more belittling, berating, rude sarcasm."
Nina: "And in exchange I get your silence?"
Lynette: "Yeah. Pretty sweet deal, don't you think?"
Nina: "Ah, I'll see what I can do."
Lynette: "Great!"
Nina: "Okay."
Lynette: "And I'm gonna take your parking space."
Nina: "Hmm?"
Lynette: "I kid the Nina!"

Nina laughs and walks out.

Gabrielle's House - Daytime

Carlos is dressed in a suit, drinking coffee in the kitchen when Gabrielle walks in, wearing a robe.

Gabrielle: "You're up early."
Carlos: "I'm going to Mass."
Gabrielle: "Huh?"
Carlos: "Yeah."
Gabrielle: "But it's not even Sunday."
Carlos: "They have a Mass every day of the week."
Gabrielle: "Really? When did they start doing that?"

A horn honks outside.

Carlos: "That's Sister Mary Bernard. Did you see where I put my Bible?"

Gabrielle walks to the front door and looks out the window. There is a beautiful blonde lady standing by the car outside.

Carlos comes back downstairs with his Bible. Gabrielle blocks his way.

Carlos: "What?"
Gabrielle: "I saw your nun!"
Carlos: "So?"
Gabrielle: "So, she's hot! She's a hot nun!"
Carlos: "You can't seriously be jealous."
Gabrielle: "You mean to tell me that this miraculous conversion of yours has nothing to do with fact that the woman standing outside is a knock out?"
Carlos: "That's what I'm telling you."

Carlos leaves. Sister Mary waves to Gabrielle.

Advertising Agency - Daytime

Lynette walks in. A new receptionist waves at her.

Pat: "Um. Who are you here to see?"
Lynette: "I'm Lynette Scavo. I work here. Who are you?"
Pat: "Pat. It's my first day."
Lynette: "Oh. Well, welcome. What happened to Stu?"

Later, Lynette enters Nina's office.

Lynette: "You fired Stu?"
Nina: "Oh, Lynette. Hey. Come on in."
Lynette: "I can't believe you would sink so low. I'm going to Ed."
Nina: "Ed knows. This, this is Stu's employee evaluation file, right here. This thing is full of black marks."
Lynette: "Come on, Nina, we both know why you got rid of him."
Nina: "Well, good luck proving it. Oh! And on a completely unrelated topic, there's gonna be another round of firings coming down the pike. Ed's been after me to trim the fat."
Lynette: "You threatening me?"
Nina: "No! No, uh-uh. It's just that it's gonna be my job to evaluate those that are team players and those who are not. Just a little heads up. Just trying to be nice."

Prudy's Feed Store - Daytime

Addison: "I don't know, you seem kinda over-qualified."
Susan: "Why, cause I went to college?"
Addison: "No, because you finished high school."
Susan: "Well, I just want to change my life and every since I was a little girl I've always liked horses and the outdoors. Well, I'm just fascinated with feed."
Addison: "Well, I suppose we can give you a try. What? Something on my nose?"
Susan: "Oh, no. I was just looking at the color of your eyes."
Addison: "You were?"
Susan: "Yeah. They're just like mine. They're, they're nice."
Addison: "Carol sent you to test me, didn't she?"
Susan: "What? Who's Carol?"
Addison: "You go back and tell my wife if a private detective couldn't fool me, well, you're not gonna either."
Susan: "I don't know what you're talking about. I just came in to get a job."
Addison: "A cute little thing like you struts in here, flirts with an old codger like me, how dumb do you think I am? Hey, look at you. Your pretty hair, you gotta sexy walk, you gotta tight little ass!"
Susan: "Oh! I'm your daughter!"
Addison: "What?"
Susan: "Back in the sixties, you had a brief relationship with a young girl, Sophie Bremmer. She got pregnant and had a baby and that baby was me. Which makes you my father. Hi."

A very stunned Addison walks toward the back of the feed store. Susan follows.

Susan: "Mr. Prudy, I'm sorry. I didn't want to spring it on you like this. Where are you going? You see when I found out you were alive, and, and that we both lived in the same city, I just wanted to meet you."

Addison goes in the back room and closes the door.

Susan: "Mr. Prudy!"

She knocks on the door.

Susan: "Mr. Prudy. Hello."

Susan enters the back room.

Susan: "Hello!"

Mr. Prudy is laying on the ground, unconscious.

Fairview County Hospital

Dr. Goldfine is in traction with a broken leg and broken arm .

Dr. Goldfine: "And knock wood, the doctors say I'll keep improving, slowly but surely. So, how are you?"
Bree: "Good, good. Seeing friends. I just started co-chairing a charity event for the Junior League and um, and I broke up with George."
Dr. Goldfine: "Really?"
Bree: "Dr. Goldfine, do you ever really cure people, I mean, even though they're really crazy?"
Dr. Goldfine: "I'm not a big fan of that word. People either have mental health or they don't. When they do have a problem, you treat them as if they had any other disease. And sometimes they get better."
Bree: "Well, when I broke up with George, I saw something in his eyes. It was a kind of malevolence, and it just didn't seem to me to be the sort of thing you could cure."
Dr. Goldfine: "I don't believe in evil either. We're all just people."
Bree: "How can you not believe in evil? A man just threw you off a bridge for no reason."
Dr. Goldfine: "Exactly. He didn't know anything about me. He just rode up on his little blue bike and tried to hurt me. Do I think he's wicked? No. He's disturbed. His problems probably stem from a chemical imbalance. I believe with enough time and treatment, I could help him."
Bree: "Did you say a blue bike?"

Lynette's House - Daytime

Stu is sitting on the front porch. Lynette comes out carrying coffee.

Lynette: "Black?"
Stu: "Mmm."
Lynette: "Great."
Stu: "I gotta say Lynette, I was surprised to get your call. I didn't even think you'd notice I was fired."
Lynette: "Oh course I noticed! You are one of my favorites and I thought it was really unfair how it all went down."
Stu: "It wasn't that unfair. I was late all those times. And I broke the copier, and I stole all those paper clips."
Lynette: "See, I don't think that's why you got fired."
Stu: "Really? That's what Nina said."
Lynette: "Word got out that you and Nina were…"
Stu: "Shagging?"
Lynette: "…being intimate. And Nina fired you to keep Ed from finding out."
Stu: "You're kidding."
Lynette: "And that wasn't right of her. She shouldn't have been having sex with you. She's upper management. Technically, it's sexual harassment."
Stu: "But, I was into it! I consented!"
Lynette: "Stu, you're a gopher. You can't consent to anything. So, I think you should talk to Ed about getting your job back."
Stu: "Why would he care?"
Lynette: "Oh, he'll care. He doesn't want you suing him for millions of dollars."
Stu: "Wow! So would Nina get in trouble?"
Lynette: "Well, I'm not gonna lie to you. There is a possibility she'd get a slap on the wrist. So, you'll think about talking to Ed?"
Stu: "Definitely!"

Fairview County Hospital

Addison is lying on a bed in an examination room.

Addison: "The nurse told me you were waiting out there."
Susan: "I just wanted to see if you were okay."
Addison: "Sorry if I spooked ya. I've got a bad heart. It's genetic, so you might want to get that checked."
Susan: "Oh, okay."
Addison: "Look, don't take this wrong, but, uh, I need you to clear out."
Susan: "What? I just got here."
Addison: "My wife is on her way. The thing is, if Carol finds out that I've got an adult love child around, that's gonna be the straw that breaks the camel's back. I mean, it's not exactly the only time I've strayed."
Susan: "Charming."
Addison: "But, believe me it was nice to finally get to meet you. You're a lovely woman. Hon, you really need to leave now."
Susan: "It's, it's Susan. My name is Susan. And, no, that's not good enough."
Addison: "Look, I'm trying really hard to be nice about this but you're backing me into a corner."
Susan: "It's not like I want an invitation to Thanksgiving. I just wanna have coffee, or a lunch now and then."
Addison: "I can't start up something with you. It wouldn't be fair to my wife."
Susan: "Oh, that's funny. So, all the times you were cheating on her, that was okay, but having lunch with your daughter, that just crosses the line? I just want a chance to get to know you."
Addison: "Well, I don't want to know you. I've already got a family. Years ago, your mother and I came to an understanding. I gave her a bunch of money and she agreed to keep things quiet."
Susan: "Well, I wasn't consulted on that little arrangement."
Addison: "I don't think it's fair to punish me for a mistake I made years ago."
Susan: "Is that what you think of me? I'm a mistake?"
Addison: "If that's what you need to hear, yeah, that's what I think."

Carol enters the room and hugs Addison.

Carol: "Oh Addy. Addy. Oh. Are you okay?"
Addison: "I'm good, baby."
Carol: "The kids are on their way over."

Carol turns and sees Susan.

Carol: "Hi, I'm Carol. You are?"
Susan: "Do you want to tell her, or should I? I'm your husband's guardian angel."
Carol: "Excuse me?"
Susan: "My name's Susan. I was buying some horse feed when Mr. Prudy had an attack behind the counter. I gave him CPR and called nine-one-one."
Carol: "Oh."

Carol hugs Susan.

Carol: "Thank you. Thank you. Oh, when I think what, what could have happened."
Susan: "Well, I'm gonna get out of here. Mr. Prudy, I want you to hurry up and get back on your feet."

Susan kisses Addison on the cheek and whispers to him.

Susan: "I'm not giving up."

She straightens and turns to Carol.

Susan: "I'm gonna be back in the store next week. I never got that darn horse feed."
Addison: "I guess I'll put a bag aside for you."
Susan: "You do that."

George's Street - Daytime

George is returning home on foot, carrying two bags of groceries. He sees police cars and policemen all around his house. He's sees an officer placing his bike into the back of a police van which is loaded with cardboard boxes. George gets behind a bush and drops his groceries. He takes out his cell phone.

George: "Bree, it's me. The police are at my house. They're going through my stuff. What the hell is going on?"

Bree's House

George's voice is on the answering machine as Bree stands next to it.

George: "Look I know you are there, pick up. Did you have anything to do with this? Bree! Bree!"

Bree picks up the phone.

Bree: "George, I know what you did to Dr. Goldfine. And I can see now just how sick you really are, so please just turn yourself in and that way you can get the help that you really need. George!"

George's Street

George hangs up the phone. He picks up his bags and starts walking the way he came. Then, he throws the bags down and starts to run.

Gabrielle's House

Gabrielle is setting the table. Carlos walks in.

Carlos: "What's going on?"
Gabrielle: "Oh, I invited Sister Mary Hot Pants over for lunch."
Carlos: "What?"
Gabrielle: "You said she touched your soul so I just want to make sure her hands are clean."

The doorbell rings and Gabrielle goes to answer it.

Later, Gabrielle, Carlos, and Sister Mary sit around the dining room table.

Gabrielle: "So Sister Mary, tell me what's it like meeting men in prison. Do you bond with all the convicts or was Carlos just special?"
Sister Mary: "Well, of course, Carlos is special, but our mission does a ton of evangelical work with several prisons."
Gabrielle: "Oh, I get it. Sort of like, today's convict is tomorrow's convert."
Sister Mary: "Something like that, but mostly I do charity work. Are you two involved in any charities?"
Gabrielle: "Currently? No."
Carlos: "But we should be. I mean, let's face it, Gaby. Buying more stuff isn't gonna make our lives any better.
Sister Mary: "Exactly. Money can't buy happiness."
Gabrielle: "Well, sure it can. That's just a lie we tell poor people to keep 'em from rioting."
Carlos: "Gaby!"
Gabrielle: "It's a joke. Lighten up."
Carlos: "Can you believe this? I'm married to a woman so selfish, she makes fun of the entire concept of charity."
Gabrielle: "You are a hypocrite. The money you spent to buy your sports car could buy a mud hut for every peasant in Ecuador."
Carlos: "Okay, you're right. But I'm evolving, starting right now. Sister, I would like to donate my car to your mission."
Gabrielle: "What?"
Sister Mary: "Carlos, are you sure?"
Carlos: "Absolutely. Gabrielle and I don't need two cars. We can share one."
Gabrielle: "Share? What if you have the car and I need to go shopping?"
Carlos: "We're gonna cut back on shopping too."
Gabrielle: "Okay, I think we should all just calm down a little bit!"
Carlos: "I'm gonna get you that pink slip right now."
Gabrielle: "Carlos!"
Carlos: "We're doing this."

Carlos leaves the room. Gabrielle gets up also.

Gabrielle: "I have to, uh..." (hands over a bottle of wine) "Uh, here have some of this. No one needs to know."

Gabrielle follows Carlos upstairs. Carlos is searching the drawers for the pink slip.

Carlos: "Don't even bother. You're not talking me out of this."
Gabrielle: "I'm not here to talk you out of anything. Check in this drawer. Carlos, I wanna apologize for the way I've been acting. I mean, here you are trying to turn your life around, and all I can think about are my stupid jealousy issues."
Carlos: "Yeah, well, let's just get back down there."
Gabrielle: "No, I mean it. I'm sorry. I wanna be a better person, too. I'm sick of being bad. Forgive me?"
Carlos: "You're not a bad person."
Gabrielle: "Really?"

She kisses him.

Carlos: "No, of course not."
Gabrielle: "That's so sweet. I feel so close to you right now."
Carlos: "Gaby."
Gabrielle: "I'm sorry. Guess I am bad."
Carlos: "Look, we've got a nun downstairs."
Gabrielle: "She can wait five minutes. We're giving her a car."

Gabrielle pushes Carlos on the bed and falls on top of him. He groans loudly.

Advertising Agency

Lynette gets off the elevator. Employees are scrambling around, some carrying boxes, one sitting with his head in his hands, some arguing.

Lynette: "Hey, Pat, what's going on?"
Pat: "I'm not sure. Ed keeps calling people into his office. I think people are getting fired."
Ed: "Lynette."
Lynette: "Yeah."

Ed's Office

Ed: "Lynette, Nina's out. You're in. You are our new V.P. of accounts."
Lynette: "I am?"
Ed: "I just gave her the ax, along with a bunch of other people."
Lynette: "Why? What happened?"
Ed: "Our old pal Stu just filed a sexual harassment suit against the company."
Lynette: "He did what?"
Ed: "He hired a fancy lawyer who threatened to go to the press. I had no choice but to pay him off. He had a video of him and Nina together."
Lynette: "Okay. I get Nina, but why are you firing everybody else?"
Ed: "Stu's taking us to the cleaners. If I don't cut back on staff, the next round of paychecks are gonna bounce."
Lynette: "Oh, god, Ed. I am so sorry."
Ed: "Well, it's not your fault. We'll get through this. You and me together. Oh, can you run down to the art department? Someone's gotta can Jeff and Elizabeth."
Lynette: "Yeah. Sure. I'll, I'm gonna go and take care of that."

Outside Nina's Office

Nina is standing there, drinking wine.

Nina: "Hey. Congratulations."
Lynette: "This is not what I wanted. I just wanted you to be nicer."
Nina: "You know what? I used to be nice. But our boss, I'm sorry, your boss is incompetent and selfish and has the attention span of a poodle. I mean, from day one, I have been the only one around here keeping this place from crumbling down around his stupid ears."
Lynette: "Oh, Nina, come on."
Nina: "This is the truth here. Nice is a luxury that I gave up along with vacations and relationships and eating at home. This job sucks you dry. So you better kiss those four little kiddies of yours good-bye because you have just adopted the neediest little child in the world. Here. You're gonna need this more than I do."

She hands Lynette the glass and winks.

Gabrielle's House

Gabrielle comes downstairs, wearing a robe.

Gabrielle: "Hi. Carlos will be down in a little while. We had an intense talk. He's resting."
Sister Mary: "Yeah, I overheard some of your talk."
Gabrielle: "Sorry. He's such an animal but since we have a couple of minutes, why don't we, uh, chat?"

Gabrielle takes Sister Mary outside to the porch.

Gabrielle: "Look, I don't mean any disrespect. It's just now that Carlos is home, we need to get back on our routine, and we can't do that if he keeps running off to church and charity bake sales. We need us time. Do you know what I mean?"
Sister Mary: "I do."
Gabrielle: "Oh, good. Good. So it would really help our marriage if you just backed off for a while, okay?"
Sister Mary: "No."
Gabrielle: "Huh?"
Sister Mary: "I said no."
Gabrielle: "I know what you said. I'm wondering why you said it."
Sister Mary: "Carlos is a diamond in the rough, a flawed man to be sure, but someone who is desperately searching for something to believe in. To satisfy your materialism, he ended up breaking the law. To deal with your adultery, he resorted to assault. As long as he's with you, he will never find what he's looking for."
Gabrielle: "Well, I guess he should have thought of that before he married me."
Sister Mary: "Some marriages are meant to be annulled."
Gabrielle: "What the hell kind of nun are you? Look, if you try to come between me and my husband, I will take you down."
Sister Mary: "I grew up on the south side of Chicago. If you wanna threaten me, you're gonna have to do a lot better than that."
Gabrielle: "You listen to me, you little bitch. You do not want to start a war with me."
Sister Mary: "Well, I have God on my side. Bring it on."

Hotel Room

George opens the door of his hotel room.

Bellman: "You called for a bellman?"
George: "There's a charity dinner taking place downstairs. My friend, Bree Van de Kamp, is one of the co-chairs. Give her this note and walk away. If she comes up in the elevator, call me."

He holds out a wad of cash to the bellman, who smiles and takes it.

George: "You think you can do that?"
Bellman: "Yes, sir."

Hotel Charity Event

The bellman approaches Bree.

Bellman: "Excuse me, ma'am?"
Bree: "Yes."

He hands her the note.

Bellman: "I was asked to give this to you."
Bree: "Oh, thank you."

Bree opens the note which reads "Bree, I can't live with you thinking I'm a bad person. I've taken some pills. If you could do me one last kindness, please come up and say goodbye. I'm in Room # 617."

Bree immediately calls the police department on her cell phone.

Fairview Police Department

Detective Barton: "Barton."
Bree: "Hello, Detective Barton. This is Bree Van de Kamp. I need to talk to you about George Williams."
Detective: "Yeah, I was just getting ready to call you, Mrs. Van de Kamp. My men are at his house right now and they've uncovered evidence that suggests Mr. Williams was responsible for your husband's death."
Bree: "What?"
Detective: "Yeah, we found Rex's prescription bottles and doctored potassium pills as well as some disturbing diary entries. Mrs. Van de Kamp?"

Bree hangs up and walks to the elevator. The bellman calls George.

Bellman: "Hello, sir. Yeah. She's, uh, on her way up."
George: "Thank you very much."

Hotel Room

George is sitting at the table. There are many pills on the table in front of him. He begins taking the pills.

George: "She loves me. She loves me not."

Bree, in the elevator, stares at her reflection in the door.

George: "She loves me."

Bree begins crying and hitting the walls.

George: "She loves me not."

Bree slides down so she's sitting on the floor of the elevator.

George: "She loves me."

She pulls the ‘stop' button of the elevator.

Later, George, in his room, is lying on the bed, eyes closed. He awakens suddenly and looks at his watch, lying next to her. Breathing heavily, he grasps the phone and pushes a button.

George: "Operator, this is a bit embarrassing, but I've, I've swallowed some pills by mistake. I think you need to call an ambulance."

There's a knock at the door.

George: "Uh, uh, uh, they were, they were just vitamins. Yes. False alarm. I'm fine."

He hangs up.

George: "Door's open."

Bree enters and sees George lying on the bed, then the pills and liquor on the desk.

Bree: "Hey. What were you thinking, taking the pills?"
George: "I didn't hurt Dr. Goldfine. For you to think me capable of that sort of violence..."
Bree: "George. George!"
George: "I'm sorry. It's the pills."
Bree: "Why are you telling me this?"
George: "Because maybe I don't have to die. I could face the police knowing that you would be there for me, that you'd stay my friend. Then I'll have something to live for."
Bree: "And then we'll call an ambulance and they'll pump your stomach."
George: "Yes."

Bree takes a chair and pulls it next to the bed. She sits down in it.

Bree: "I want to help you, but in order to do that, I need to forgive you, and, I can't do that until you admit what you've done."
George: "I didn't push Goldfine."
Bree: "Yes, you did. But that's not what I'm talking about. You killed Rex. But I know it wasn't totally your fault because you're not well. So, if you'll just be honest with me, I can forgive you. It'll be the hardest thing I've ever done, but I'll do it. But you have to, you have to tell me the truth."
George: "Look, I'm in trouble here. We need to call someone."
Bree: "Not until you admit what you've done."
George: "I love you. Anything I may have done, I did for you. Because you wanted me to, you know you did."

He closes his eyes for a few seconds, then opens them and looks at her.

George: "We need to phone an ambulance."
Bree: "I called them while you were asleep. They're already on their way."

He smiles and closes his eyes again.

Gabrielle's House

Gabrielle lies in bed, watching Carlos as he kneels and prays.

"It's not always that easy to distinguish the good guys from the bad guys. Sinners can surprise you."

Sister Mary's Bedroom

Sister Mary is kneeling next to her bed, smiling, as she finishes praying and crosses herself. She extinguishes a candle that's next to her with her fingers.

"And the same is true for saints."

Advertising Agency

Nina is in her office, packing her belongings and crying.

"Why do we try to define people as simply good or simply evil?"

Fairview County Hospital

Addison in the emergency room with Carol holding his hand.

"Because no one wants to admit that compassion and cruelty can live side by side in one heart."

Hotel Room

Bree puts the chair back and walks out of the room after taking one last look at where George is lying on the bed.

"And that anyone is capable of anything."

~ The End ~

This transcript was compiled and completed on December 21, 2005 by Amanda (desperate_housewives at yahoo dot com) and Lucy.
Last Update: December 21, 2005

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