This was typed by Lucy, Andrea, Foxhidden, and Amanda, mere humans, and mistakes are possible. If you find any, no matter how trivial, please let me know. (desperate_housewives at yahoo dot com)

In the interest of finishing the transcripts faster, screen caps will no longer be placed on the transcripts. You can find screen caps at the following websites:
Desperate Housewives
Wisteria Lane
The Suburbs

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Guest stars
"Andrew Van de Kamp" - Shawn Pyfrom
"Danielle Van de Kamp" - Joy Lauren
"Matthew Applewhite" - Mehcad Brooks
"Preston Scavo" - Brent Kinsman
"Porter Scavo" - Shane Kinsman
"Parker Scavo" - Zane Huett
"Caleb" - Page Kennedy
"George Williams" - Roger Bart
"David Bradley" - Adrian Pasdar
"Nina Fletcher" - Joely Fisher
"Dr. Goldfine" - Sam Lloyd
"Louis" - Robert Clendenin
"Policeman #1" - Scott Atkinson
"Policeman #2" - Richard Jenik
"Sophie Bremmer" - Lesley Ann Warren
"Clerk" - Steven Hack
"Stu" - Charlie Babcock
"Ida Greenberg" - Pat Crawford Brown
"Judge" - Bruce Katzman
"Mrs. Fromme" - Betty Murphy
"Slutty Woman" - Julie Michaels
"Young Woman" - Amy. E. Thompson
"Career Woman" - Corie Vickers

Written by: Kevin Etten & Josh Senter
Directed by: Larry Shaw

"George Williams had never been lucky in love."

Flashback: George gets out of his car carrying flowers and walks up to a front door. He opens his mouth and sprays a breath freshener in it.

"It seems that the women he dated always invented reasons not to consummate their relationship."

Young Woman: "Um, I’m afraid we’d wake my roommate."

She slams the door on George.

Career Woman: "Uh, I have to get up really early for work."

She slams the door on George.

Slutty Woman: "I’m, uh, saving myself for marriage."

She slams the door on George.

"Sadly for George, it was one unoriginal excuse after another."

Bree's House

Present Day: George knocks on Bree’s door.

"But since he'd started seeing Bree Van de Kamp, George couldn’t help but feel..."

Bree: "Hi. The kids are gone. We have the house all to ourselves tonight."

"...his luck was about to change."

After dinner, Bree and George enter Bree’s living room and sit on the sofa.

Bree: "I thought the duck turned out well. Although the sauce was a little bit thick, but judging by how many helpings you had, I think I got away with it. What are you thinking about?"
George: "Your hair. Would you mind if I...?"
Bree: "Uh, no, go ahead."

George reaches for the clip holding Bree’s bun and her hair falls to her shoulders.

Bree: "That better?"

George moves closer on the couch and kisses Bree.

Bree: "That was nice."

George falls onto Bree, pushing her down onto the couch, kissing her.

Bree pushes George back slightly.

George: "It’s okay that I’m doing this right?"
Bree: "Well, I thought we were going to let the duck digest a bit more, but what the heck."

She pulls George back to her.

Bree: "Oh!"

She grabs her neck.

George: "What’s wrong?"
Bree: "I don’t know. I felt something weird."
George: "Oh, that was my tongue. It extends farther than most. I should have warned you."
Bree: "No, no, no, it wasn’t your kiss. I felt something weird on my neck."

George pushes her down again and starts kissing her. Bree continues to scratch at her neck.

George: "What, what are you doing?"
Bree: "I don’t know. I’m just really starting to itch."
George: "Oh."

They sit up and Bree begins to scratch all over. George stares at her neck.

Bree: "What is it?"
George: "You, you've got a huge rash."

Bree jumps up and runs to a mirror. She sees the rash on her check which is now spreading to her face. She continues to scratch.

Bree: "Oh, ah, ah, it’s starting to spread to my face."
George: "Are you allergic to something you ate?"
Bree: "Oh, I don’t think so. I’ve made duck l’orange a thousand times."
George: "Something is causing that rash."

Bree stares at George. She opens the front door and begins pushing him out.

George: "Bree, Bree, please don’t."
Bree: "I’m sorry George, but you have to go."
George: "But the kids are away. I was sort of hoping we could make love tonight."
Bree: "How are we going to do that George? You have just given me hives."

Bree slams the door in George’s face.

"Though painful to hear, George had to admit at least this excuse was original."

Opening Credits

Susan's House

"It’s a fact that little girls dream of big, white wedding. Of course, the exact same thing can be said for big girls."

Susan is pinning a wedding dress on her mother, Sophie Bremmer.

"Some of whom can get incredibly anxious waiting for the boys in their lives to make those dreams come true."

Mike is sitting on the couch reading the newspaper. Susan sneaks a peek at Mike to see if he is watching her and accidentally pokes her mom with a pin.

Sophie: "Ouch. Oh. Watch it Susie."
Susan: "Mom, why don’t you just go see a dressmaker?"
Sophie: "Wait, I have the perfect idea. You get in the dress and I’ll pin it." (to Mike) "We wear the same size."
Susan: "Since when?"
Sophie: "Since forever." (to Mike) "You have to leave though. You can’t stay. You can’t see Susie in a wedding dress. Not until your big day."
Susan: "Mom!"
Mike: "No, it’s not a problem. I can see her in it."

Susan and her mom look at Mike in shock.

Sophie: "You can?"
Susan: "You can?"
Mike: "I assume you want to pick out your own wedding dress when we get married, right?"
Sophie: "Oh, that sounds like a proposal."
Mike: "Did it?"
Susan: "Yeah, it did."
Mike: "Huh, what do you know?"
Sophie: "Are you planning to pop the question?"
Mike: "Well, if she knows it’s coming, the question won’t really ‘pop’ now will it?"
Susan: "He’s right, mom. Oh, I want it to be just like you do. You know on your own terms and you get down on one knee and the whole production."
Mike: "That’s the plan."
Susan: "Well. Then I can wait. I can wait. I’m a good waiter."
Mike: "Good."
Susan: "I was just wondering if, if there’s a ball park of how long I will have to wait. A week, a month, after lunch?"
Mike: "Again, you’re not waiting for the ‘pop.’"
Susan: "Right, right, I’m sorry."

Mike leaves the room.

Sophie: "Yay!"
Susan: "Mom."

Dr. Goldfine's Office

Dr. Goldfine: "So, the hives occurred right after you kissed George."
Bree: "Yes, it was the strangest thing. And so inconvenient. To be honest, I think we were about the make love for the first time."
Dr. Goldfine: "Bree, have you considered the idea that your subconscious mind was trying to sabotage your evening with George?"
Bree: "Actually, I have not considered that because that’s idiotic!"
Dr. Goldfine: "You don’t think being with George made you feel a bit guilty?"
Bree: "Why should I feel guilty?"
Dr. Goldfine: "Perhaps you felt you were about to commit adultery."
Bree: "Dr. Goldfine, Rex is dead. You can’t cheat on a corpse."

Dr. Goldfine looks at Bree's hands as she rubs the area where her wedding ring would be.

Dr. Goldfine: "But, maybe that’s not how you really feel deep down."
Bree: "Oh so you uh, think I’m crazy?"
Dr. Goldfine: "You say you got a case of hives for no reason. I think there is a reason and it’s probably a psychosomatic one."
Bree: "You can think whatever you want, but to be honest, I don’t believe in the subconscious."
Dr. Goldfine: "Everytime you’ve said Rex in this session, you’ve stroked the place where you wedding ring used to be. Why did you do that?"

Bree looks down at her hands, where she is stroking her ring finger. She stops abruptly.

Advertising Agency - Daytime

In the conference room, a staff meeting is going on.

Nina: "Let’s talk about Monday. We are re-pitching to the Kamarov people. Lynette, you’ll be on point."
Lynette: "Great, great, no problem."
Nina: "And, can you do me a favor and maybe not wear the green suit?"
Lynette: "Um, I wasn’t planning to, uh, but why?"
Nina: "The fabric. Tt just has this quality to it like you could, I don’t know, wipe it clean with a damp cloth."

The other staff member laugh quietly.

Lynette: "I’ll just wear a different suit then."
Nina: "Great. Like what, you think?"
Lynette: "Another suit. I have other suits."
Nina: "And if by other suits, you mean the grey one, then, of course you do."
Lynette: "No, actually, I have quite a few others. Uh, the blue one, and uh..."

The other staff members snicker..

Lynette: "What’s wrong with the blue suit?"

Stu walks in and places a cup of coffee in front of Nina.

Nina: "Stu. Would you like to tell Lynette what’s wrong with the blue suit?"
Stu: "No. That’s cool."
Nina: "Stu! Come on. Do the thing, the thing that you did at lunch."

Nina pretends to rub stuff onto her suit.

Nina: "Look at me. I’m Lynette. I've got food stains everywhere."
Lynette: "All right, so if I get my blue suit dry cleaned, will that be acceptable to everyone?"
Stu: "The pants also have a split seam in the back."

Nina smiles.

Fairview County Courthouse

Gabrielle walks up to David, wearing a slinky gold outfit.

Gabrielle: "Excuse me. Hello, David."
David: "What the hell is this? I thought I told you to dress maternal."
Gabrielle: "Yes, you did, and I considered it for about a second."
David: "What happened?"
Gabrielle: "David, I know you're the lawyer and all, but trust me, it's never a smart strategy to cover this up."
David: "We've got forty minutes before the pre-trial hearing. Let's go home and get you changed."
Gabrielle: "What?"
David: "You want to get your husband out of jail? You gotta dress like a pregnant, suffering wife, not the cover of Vogue."

A man walks up to them.

Louis: "David."
David: "Louis. What are you doing here?"
Louis: "I need a favor, David."
David: "If this has to do with lifting my client's restraining order, the answer's the same one you got last week."
Louis: "You don't understand. I love Crystal."
David: "Yeah, we all love the pretty ladies at the Stop n' Shop, but now you gotta love her from fifty yards away."
Louis: "You turned her against me. If it wasn't for you, we'd be together."
David: "Louis, Crystal hired me to keep you away from her. She doesn't want to see you."
Louis: "Oh, yeah, then, then why did she ask for my phone number?"
David: "She's a cashier. You paid by check. It doesn't make you special."

David holds Gabrielle by the arm and walks away from Louis.

Louis: "Don't walk away from me. We're having a conversation!"
David: "Louis, this is your problem. You're creepy! Nobody likes you. What you call a conversation the rest of us call harassment. You want a friend? Get a hamster!"
Louis: "David!"

Louis pulls out a gun. He points it toward David and Gabrielle. David pushes Gabrielle around behind him and down to the floor. David holds his briefcase in front of him as Louis closes his eyes and begins firing at him.

Bystander #1: "Call the police!"
Bystander #2: "Stay there!"

Louis runs out of bullets. David looks at himself and sees that he has not been hit.

Louis throws the empty gun at David who catches it. Louis runs away.

David: "That's right, you better run. I'm gonna get some bullets for this thing and come after you!"
Security Guard (pointing his gun at David): "Freeze!"
David: "Hey, everything's cool."

The guard shoots David. Gabrielle screams. David drops slowly to his knees. Gabrielle approaches.

Gabrielle: "Are you okay?"

Wisteria Lane - Daytime

Paul Young is mowing his front lawn.

"Weeds are a common annoyance of life in suburbia and no matter how hard we try to get rid of them, they always tend to crop back up."

Gabrielle is on her porch watching Paul. She is on the phone.

Gabrielle: "Are you seeing this?"
Bree: "I don't believe him. He is so brazen."
Gabrielle: "He's just mowing the lawn like nothing ever happened. What should we do? Should we call the police?"
Bree: "Well, Susan did say that he murdered Mrs. Huber, so my vote would be yes."
Gabrielle: "Oh, my god, Susan's home."

They watch as Susan’s car pulls into her driveway. She gets out and takes bags of groceries out of her van.

Gabrielle: "Has she seen Paul yet?"

Susan looks across the street and sees Paul mowing his lawn. She drops all the bags.

Bree: "I think so."

A can rolls into the street. Paul picks it up.

Paul: "Hello, Susan."
Susan: "Oh, my god. Paul."
Paul: "Need some help with those bags?"
Susan: "Why...are you doing here?"
Paul: "This is where I live. I came home to find my son. Here you go."

He holds out the can he picked up.

Susan: "No, don't come near me."
Paul: "I'm just giving you back your pie filling."
Susan: "I don't want my pie filling."
Paul: "Oh, come on. Just take it."
Susan: "No, stop! Put that pie filling down. Slowly. I'm calling nine-one-one."
Paul: "You don't want to do that."
Susan: "Oh, I think I do. You're a cold-blooded murderer."
Paul: "Susan, how can you believe that? We've been neighbors for years."

Bree and Gabrielle approach and get in front of Susan.

Paul: "Ladies, good to see you."
Bree: "Paul, we've called the police."
Paul: "You didn't really need to do that."
Gabrielle: "We know what you did to Mrs. Huber."
Paul: "Wonderful. I see you've all turned into Susan while I've been gone."

A police car pulls up.

Susan: "Oh, thank god, they're here."

A crowd of neighbors gather to see what’s happening.

Mrs. Greenberg: "Hey, hey, what's going on?"
Edie: "Oh, Mayer's convinced that Paul Young murdered Martha Huber."
Mrs. Greenberg: "Oh, my god! I live right behind him."
Mrs. Fromme: "I know. I gave him my house keys to feed my cat."
Edie: "I win. I made out with him."

Police Officer gives Paul back his license and approaches Susan.

Police Officer: "Here you go. There's no warrant here for a Paul Young."
Gabrielle: "Why don't you ask Mike? He overheard everything, right?"
Police Officer: "Who's Mike?"
Susan: "Uh, he's my boyfriend, and, and he told me that Paul confessed everything to him. Oh, and Mike has Martha's journals, which clearly prove that Paul had a motive."
Police Officer: "All right, all right, where do I find this Mike guy?"
Susan: "Uh, he's, follow me."
Paul: "You mind if I stay here? I've got a lot of raking to do."
Police Officer: "Let's go."

Susan and the officer walk to Mike's house. The crowd follows. Mike opens the front door.

Mike: "Hey. What's going on?"
Susan: "Mike, Paul Young is back. Look."

She points across the street where Paul is raking his leaves.

Police Officer: "Your girlfriend said Mr. Young confessed a murder to you?"
Mike: "Um, no. No, not to me."
Police Officer: "And I don't suppose you have a journal that belonged to a Martha Huber?"
Mike: "No. I hardly knew her. Besides, you ever known a woman who'd loan out her diary?"
Susan: "Mike, what are you doing?"
Mike: "I'm sorry, Susan. I don't know what you're talking about. But I’ve got a job to get to. Is there anything else?"
Police Officer: "No, no, that pretty much covers it."

Mike walks past the gathered crowd.

Edie: "Well, someone might as well say it. Susan, what the hell have you been smoking?"

Lynette's House

Lynette walks into the bedroom wearing a beautiful expensive-looking white suit.

Lynette: "Okay."
Tom: "Wow! Nice."

Tom looks at the price tag on the suit.

Tom: "Oh, my god!"
Lynette: "Okay, don't be distracted by that. Look at me. Here I am tomorrow, making my presentation."

Lynette poses and spins.

Lynette: "You see? You see how it, how it moves with me? That's where the magic is."
Tom: "Nine hundred dollars?"
Lynette: "Yeah, well, this one was the most expensive. The other ones aren't as nice. But look. Look, look, look, look at me, look at me. Watch. I don't walk in it. I glide."
Tom: "Um, honey, you know what? There's gotta be like three thousand dollars worth of clothes here."
Lynette: "Yeah, well, I haven't bought a new suit in six years."
Tom: "So? When I was working, you don't think I would have loved to have a designer suit? I wore wash-and-wear so that we could live in a nice neighborhood, so we could take the kids on vacation every summer. I mean, I made sacrifices."
Lynette: "I'm willing to make sacrifices."
Tom: "Great, well, let's start here, because" (holds up a suit) "this should cover a math tutor for Parker."
Lynette: "Whoa, hold on a sec."

Tom holds up another suit.

Tom: "Six months of pre-school for Penny."
Lynette: "All right, now you're being ridiculous."
Tom: "You know what? And the twins, they're gonna need braces. That oughta make a dent."

He points to the white suit Lynette is wearing.

Lynette: "Oh, no. Come on, Tom. Not this one."
Tom: "Strip."
Lynette: "You saw the walk, right? You wanna see the walk again? I'll tutor Parker myself."
Tom: "Honey, that'd be great. You also gonna take up home dentistry?"
Lynette: "Fine. I'll take them back. Could you step out for a minute, please? I want to be alone with it for a little while."

Bree's House - Nighttime

Bree is lying in bed, reading and rubbing her ring finger. She stops herself and picks up the phone.

Bree: "Hi, it's Bree."
George: "Hi. I was thinking about calling you. I just got some new antihistamines in at the store. I think they're really gonna help with your rash."
Bree: "Well, great. Um, how would you feel about the two of us checking into a romantic hotel tomorrow?"
George: "What? Uh, I, I’d like that very much."
Bree: "I will let you make all the arrangements. Something out of town would be nice. Good night."

They hang up.

George: "Yes!"

Wisteria Lane - Nighttime

Mike pulls into his driveway. Susan suddenly appears at the driver’s window.

Susan: "We need to talk."
Mike: "Where did you come from?"
Susan: "I'm sorry. I've been waiting for you. I'm just a little upset because everybody thinks I'm crazy."
Mike: "Can I at least get out of the truck first?"
Susan: "Yes, definitely. I mean, I can understand why you wouldn't want the cops to know that you kidnapped Paul. I mean, that definitely looks bad."
Mike: "Since I was on probation."
Susan: "Well, right. I mean, there's that."
Mike: "And in possession of a gun."
Susan: "Well, okay..."
Mike: "Which I held to his head. So I violated my probation, committed a felony, and coerced a confession. If the cops found out about that, I'd be looking at ten to fifteen years."
Susan: "But why don't you want 'em to know about Martha Huber's journal? I mean, she says right in there that she was blackmailing Paul's wife."
Mike: "She also says right in there that she was blackmailing you for burning down Edie's house."
Susan: "Oh. I forgot about that. I just can't believe it. I mean, there he is, a murderer, just living right on our street, and there's nothing we can do about it because you're a convicted felon and I burned down that stupid house. It's unfair."
Mike: "I want Paul Young gone as badly as you do, and he will be, but I also want to find Zach. I think once Zach finds out Paul's here, I got a feeling he'll be back."
Susan: "Well, that's comforting to know there's a silver lining."

Hospital

David is lying in a hospital bed with his arm in a sling. Gabrielle knocks on the doorframe and walks in.

David: "Hi. What are you doing here?"
Gabrielle: "Well, you protected me from a hail of gun fire, so I thought I'd stop by and give you a card."
David: "You're my first visitor."
Gabrielle: "What do you mean, I'm your first visitor? You've been here two days."
David: "My office sent me flowers."
Gabrielle: "Oh."

She pulls the card from the vase of flowers and reads it out loud.

Gabrielle: "'Dear David, who knew you could actually bleed? Sincerely, your stunned co-workers.'"
David: "Yeah, well, I'm a lawyer who got shot. Everybody's cracking wise."
Gabrielle: "You're not gonna eat?"
David: "Uh, can't really cut yet."

She walks over and begins to cut up his food for him.

Gabrielle: "Well, I'm not gonna let you starve to death. Besides, you're gonna need your strength to get my husband out of jail."
David: "You know, when I was waiting for the ambulance the other day, I seriously thought I was gonna die. I was scared."
Gabrielle: "Of course you were."
David: "Thanks"
Gabrielle: "For what?"
David: "For not making any jokes."
Gabrielle: "Sure. Now, open up."

She feeds him a piece of meat.

Advertising Agency

Lynette walks in wearing a grey suit. Stu hands her her messages.

Lynette: "Thank you."

She looks and sees Nina is escorting people into the conference room. Lynette sees that they are all dressed in designer suits. Lynette looks down at her grey suit. She rushes out to her car and pulls the white suit out of the trunk.

Nina (to the Kamarov people): "Just, uh, follow this hallway straight down there and make yourselves comfortable."

Lynette sneaks by them holding the packaged white suit.

"For the good of their family, Lynette had made a promise to her husband. And within ten days from the date of purchase, she intended to keep it."

Lynette, dressing in the white suit, pins the price tag down and leaves the restroom.

Nina: "Oh. That's a fantastic suit."
Lynette: "Oh. Thanks."
Nina: "I'm flattered, really. I mean, who knew that you cared so much about what I think?"
Lynette: "I don't follow you."
Nina: "Well, I make a few innocent comments, and you go out and buy yourself a gorgeous new suit. Dance, puppet, dance."
Lynette: "Well, actually, this was already in my closet. I just forgot about it."
Nina: "Forgot? You forgot that you had that suit?"

Lynette walks into the conference room and faces everyone confidently.

Lynette: "Good morning. Hi. I'm Lynette Scavo. Now is everyone taken care of in terms of coffee and whatever else they may like? Great. Well, then, let's get started. I will show you how Kamarov Vodka can expand its customer mindshare while still holding the line on marketing costs. It's something we here at Percher and Murphy like to call "persuasive engineering.""

Nina sees a price tag hanging off the back of Lynette’s suit.

Nina: "Lynette, just hold on one second."

She lowers her voice and approaches Lynette.

Nina: "You have a... "

Nina yanks the price tag off and Lynette gasps.

Nina: "They put the price tags on the skirts these days, too, just so you know. Look at that, everybody. Lynette just bought herself a beautiful, brand new suit. Doesn't she look great? Go on."
Lynette: "Okay."

Fairview County Courthouse

David and Carlos are sitting in the courtroom, facing the judge.

Judge: "You may be seated. Good to see you back on your feet, Mr. Bradley. Whenever you're ready."
David: "Thank you, Your Honor. The defense moves to dismiss this case immediately on the grounds that the defendant..."

David looks at Gabrielle sitting in the courtroom and freezes.

Judge: "Are you all right, Mr. Bradley?"
David: "I'm sorry, Your Honor. I just can't. I just can't."
Judge: "Mr. Bradley, do you need a recess?"

David picks up his briefcase and walks out of the courtroom.

Carlos: "What the hell's going on?"

Gabrielle runs after David.

Gabrielle: "David, where are you going?"
David: "I'm sorry. I quit."
Gabrielle: "You can't just quit in the middle of a hearing."
David: "I'd love to get your idiot husband out of jail, but I just can't do it. I'm sorry. "
Gabrielle: "Yeah. Why not?"
David: "Because I'm in love with you."
Gabrielle: "What?"
David: "The other day in the hospital, I started to feel something. I don't know. Maybe it was there all along. But when I look into your eyes, I know you feel it, too. We belong together."
Gabrielle: "Okay, yeah, David, if you don't get back in there right now, I will go get a gun and shoot you myself."
David: "I can't. I'm sorry."

David walks away.

Susan's House

Susan is under the sink, working on something, when someone knocks on her door. Without getting up, she yells out to them.

Susan: "Come in!"
Paul: "We need to talk."
Susan: "Oh! Oh! Uh, uh, Paul, you, you can't just waltz into people's houses."
Paul: "Susan, you told me to come in."
Susan: "Well, that's 'cause I assumed you were someone I would let in my house. What do you want?"
Paul: "I was looking through my mail, and I found this."

He holds up the flyer that proclaims Zach to be missing.

Paul: "I was surprised to discover that you were looking for my son. You didn't happen to find anything out about where Zach might be, did you?"
Susan: "No. No, I didn't. Sorry I can't help you out."
Paul: "I'm asking because if you remember, Zach hid here in this house before, and now I learn that you've been searching for him. "
Susan: "Well, he's not here."
Paul: "Hmm. Well, maybe we should double check."
Susan: "But he's not here. I swear."

As they talk, Susan is rummaging in the soapy dishwater behind her.

Paul: "What are you grabbing for?"
Susan: "A knife. I just want to slice some tomatoes."

Paul reaches over to a knife block and pulls out a large knife. He points it toward Susan and slowly walks toward her.

Susan: "I don't know how I know this, but I, I think that he's in Utah. He, he took a bus to Bountiful. You have family there, right? Okay, I gave him the bus fare."

Paul hands the knife to Susan.

Paul: "You might want to be careful with that. You seem a little jittery."

Paul leaves.

Fairview County Prison Visiting Room

Gabrielle is sitting across from Carlos.

Gabrielle: "Look, I know the timing is bad."
Carlos: "Pretty bad."
Gabrielle: "I feel terrible. How was I supposed to know that he would take a bullet and suddenly realize he's in love with me? Okay, look, I know I pushed you into hiring that creep, but I promise I will do anything I can to fix this."
Carlos: "All right, go have sex with Bradley."
Gabrielle: "What?"
Carlos: "Well, that's what you want me to say, isn't it? God, you guys are good. I mean, you set me up perfectly."
Gabrielle: "You think David and I planned this so we could sleep together?"
Carlos: "Well, let's see. The guy tells me to my face that he wants to get into your pants, quits a week before my trial, and now you can't wait to do anything to get him back? Yeah."

He gets up and looks at the guard.

Carlos: "I'd like to go back to jail now."
Gabrielle: "How dare you think that of me? I have been nothing but faithful to you! Since you've been in here."
Carlos: "Save it. I know when I've been outfoxed, and please don't pretend that you're doing this for me, cause I'd rather rot in here."
Gabrielle: "And you know what? A lesser woman would let you rot in here, but I'm not gonna do that. I'm not gonna give you the satisfaction. So you better start packing up your shanks or whatever you people make in here, because you're coming home with me!"

Gabrielle storms out.

Carlos (to the guard): "I don't have any shanks."

Hotel

George and Bree are checking in.

Desk Clerk: "Good afternoon. Checking in?"
George: "Yes. Uh, reservations in the name of Williams. George Williams."
Desk Clerk: "Let me get your paperwork"
George: " So what do you want to do first?"
Bree: "I don't know. I thought maybe we could go antiquing." (to the desk clerk) "I hear you have some lovely museums nearby. Do you have any brochures?"
Desk Clerk: "Right over there, Mrs. Williams."
George: "Oh, uh, she's not my wife."
Desk Clerk: "I'm so sorry."

Bree seems uncomfortable. She absently reaches up to begin scratching at the side of her neck.

George: "So I hear they have a terrific Farmers' Market nearby. We should pick up some nectarines."
Bree: "George, I can't."
George: "What?"
Bree: "I can't stay in a hotel room with you."
George: "Why not?"
Bree: "Because I am starting to get that rash again."
George: "Well, I, I brought the antihistamines."
Bree: "Oh, please. it's not gonna help. George, clearly, this is psychosomatic. We need to go home."
George: "Bree, we just drove three hours to get here."
Bree: "I know, and you have every right to be mad, but, George, I am really starting to itch."
Desk Clerk: "Is there a problem?"
George: "Uh, no, there's no problem. Everything is fine. Okay, okay, okay, okay. Uh, uh, I'll get you your own room."
Bree: "George..."
George: "No, no, no. We can still have a nice weekend. We'll just shift the focus to...antiquing."
Bree: "Please. I mean, clearly, you didn't come here to shop."
George: "No, I came to spend time with you, time that does not need to be spent in a bed."
Bree: "Really? You mean that? You wouldn't mind?"
George: "No."
Bree: "You know what, George? We're gonna have a great time, because there's tons of fun stuff we can do that doesn't involve sex."
George: "You betcha. While I take care of this, why don't you go get those brochures?"
Bree: "Okay."
George: "Okay."
Bree: "George, you won't believe it. I just stopped itching."
George: "How about that?"

Wisteria Lane - Afternoon

At Lynette's House, Tom is gardening, while the kids are playing in the yard. Lynette drives up and gets out of the car, still wearing the white suit.

Tom: "Nice suit."
Lynette: "Just hear me out. I was gonna take it back, I swear."
Tom: "But?"
Lynette: "But then I started thinking about it, and you know what? I'll be damned if I'm gonna pitch to a roomful of people who are all wearing Armani and Vera Wang, while I'm standing there with two-year-old breast milk crusted on my lapel."
Tom: "Lynette..."
Lynette: "And you know what else? I kicked ass in that meeting because of this suit."
Tom: "It is a suit. Why are you so obsessed with it?"
Lynette: "You can't explain obsession, Tom. It just is."
Tom: "No, we are parents. We can't afford the luxury of obsessions."
Lynette: "See? That's where I think we have been making a terrible, terrible mistake."

Lynette opens her car trunk and takes out a set of new golf clubs.

Tom: "What is this?"
Lynette: "Sometimes we just need to get something that makes us happy. I know that sounds selfish, but I've been thinking. It might make us better people and maybe even better parents."
Tom: "No. No, Lynette, no. This is wrong."

She hands him one of the clubs.

Lynette: "Carbon...fiber...shafts."

Tom takes the club and swings it.

Tom: "Wow. I feel like a better parent already. Oh, yeah!"

Hotel

Bree and George are sitting in the dining room, with menus in front of them.

Bree: "So I was talking to one of the bellmen, and he said there's a place not far from here where we could go horseback riding. Doesn't that sound like fun? George?"

George, distracted, watches two people kissing at another table.

George: "Wh, what? What? I'm sorry."
Bree: "I was saying I think we should go horseback riding."
George: "Oh, sure. That'd, that'd be great."

Bree reaches for George’s hand. George pulls away.

Bree: "What's wrong?"
George: "Nothing. I, I just don't think that we should risk you getting another rash. "
Bree: "Well, I'm not gonna get another rash just by holding your hand."
George: "You never know."
Bree: "Oh. Well, okay."
George: "Hey, uh, I brought those antihistamines with me. Maybe you should take a couple, just to see if it works."

He places the pill bottle on the table.

Bree: "Oh, well, I'm drinking wine. I don't think you're supposed to mix pills with alcohol."
George: "That's for people who are, who are about to use heavy machinery. You don't plan on operating a forklift tonight, do you?"
Bree: "Well, you're the pharmacist. If you think it's okay..."
George: "I do."

Bree opens the bottle and takes a couple pills. George reaches out and strokes her hand.

Later, George is holding Bree up as they walk from the dining room back to their rooms.

Bree (slurring): "George, I can't feel my legs."
George: "I know, sweetheart. Don't you worry. I'm gonna take you to your room, and then we're gonna get you into bed. Okay?"
Desk Clerk: "Is she going to be okay?"
George: "Yeah, she's just had a little too much wine."
Bree (slurring): "I don't think it was the wine, George. I think it was the antihistamines."
George: "She doesn't know what she's...we're good, thank you."

Bree's Hotel Room

George is helping Bree lie down.

Bree moans and, still lying down, tries to reach for her shoe.

George: "No, no, no, no, no. I'll get those. You just relax."

Bree moans and lies back down.

George: "I love you very much, Bree. You know that, right?"
Bree: "I know."
George: "And I want more than anything for you to love me back. Do you understand what I'm saying? Bree?"

Bree is fast asleep. George looks down at her and slowly removes his tie.

Later, Bree wakes up and looks at the clock which reads 3:21. George is sitting in a chair, watching her.

George: "Hey there. How you feeling?"
Bree: "Oh, okay. Have you been sitting there all this time?"
George: "I wanted to make sure you were okay, so I stayed and watched you sleep."
Bree: "Did I do anything embarrassing? Sometimes I snore."
George: "No. No, you slept like an angel. In fact, you were so beautiful and peaceful, I actually started to feel guilty."
Bree: "Guilty?"
George: "Um, well, you know, 'cause I told you take those pills."
Bree: "That chair looks so uncomfortable. Why didn't you sleep next to me?"
George: "Well, you made it pretty clear that you don't want me in your bed."
Bree: "George. I know what you want from me, and I, I thought I wanted the same thing, but I keep getting those rashes because I still feel married."
George: "Makes sense, I guess."
Bree: "Can't you just be patient? Can't you wait just a little bit longer?"
George: "I've already waited my whole life for you, and I can wait a little more."
Bree: "Mmm."
George: "But let's be honest. There's no guarantee that you'll ever be ready. There's only so much rejection I can take. So, I'll do my best, but don't be surprised if one of these days you wake up and I'm not here. Well, I should get back to my room, try to get a little sleep. The antique stores open at ten."

George begins walking out.

Bree: "George, wait. Please don't go. Stay here with me."
George: "But what if you get another rash?"
Bree: "Well, I'll just have to get over it, won't I?"

Bree kisses George and pulls him down onto the bed.

Later, when the clock reads 4:30, George, bare-chested and underneath the covers, is asleep on the bed and Bree sits in the chair, wearing a bathrobe, rubbing her ring finger.

Gabrielle's House

David walks into Gabrielle’s bedroom to find her wearing a bra and panties.

David: "Gabrielle? I got your call. Wow! Does this mean what I think it means?"
Gabrielle: "There are some ground rules first. I'm not leaving my husband. Carlos is looking at spending eight years in jail because of my lapse of judgment with the gardener. I can't let him rot in there. I'd be filled with guilt."
David: "You could get him out and then divorce him."
Gabrielle: "Not an option. I'm Catholic, hence the guilt."
David: "So, what are our options?"
Gabrielle: "This, us, stolen moments, seeing each other whenever we can. Carlos never needs to know."
David: "No."
Gabrielle: "I thought this was what you wanted."
David: "I want all of you. All or nothing."
Gabrielle: "Then it's nothing."
David: "So you won't get a divorce, but you'll have an affair?"
Gabrielle: "I said I was Catholic, not a fanatic. You know, David, you could tell me to stop. Just tell me to stop, and I will, or you can have me right now, on my terms."
David: "All right."

He grabs her to kiss her. Gabrielle pushes her thumb into David's sore shoulder, pushing him back.

David: "Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! What are you doing?"
Gabrielle: "Making my point. You don't love me."
David: "Yes, I do."
Gabrielle: "No. You just agreed to an affair. A cheap, illicit affair with the woman you love? Carlos would never share me. He's looking at eight years in prison because the mere thought of it sent him into a violent rage. That is love. This is, this is just lust, mixed with posttraumatic stress. I will see you in court tomorrow at ten a.m. and don't be late, or else I'll have you disbarred for sexual harassment."

Gabrielle leaves the room.

Paul Young's Front Yard

Paul is sprinkling poison into the garden. Mike approaches.

Mike: "I'd take it easy with that snail poison. It's hell on your agapanthus."
Paul: "Thanks. I'll keep that in mind. Is that why you stopped by, to share a few gardening tips?"
Mike: "Nobody wants you here, Paul, especially me."
Paul: "I'm just a father looking for his son."
Mike: "Oh, I know what you are."
Paul: "First, your girlfriend tries to run me off with some crazy story about sending Zach to Utah. Now you're here trying to scare me away. So much for love thy neighbor. Anyway, thanks for the advice. About my agapanthus, I mean. I'll make sure I send you some."
Mike: "What did Susan tell you?"

Susan's Living Room

Susan is wearing Sophie’s wedding gown, while Sophie is circling her.

Sophie: "Oh! You look beautiful. Oh, you should really consider wearing this when you marry Mike. We could make it a family tradition."
Susan: "Why don't we both stop getting divorced? That would be a nice family tradition."

Mike walks in.

Susan:  Hey!"
Mike: "I need to ask you something important."
Sophie: "Oh, my god! Ah! This is it! Oh! Let me get my camera."
Susan: "Oh, no, mom, stop! What is it?"
Mike: "Did you give Zach money to go to Utah?"
Susan: "What?"
Mike: "Yes or no?"
Susan: "He was talking so much about Julie. I tried to get him to come home with me, I mean, to, to you, but he just kept going on and on about her, and I got scared."
Mike: "Yes or no?"
Susan: "Yes. Mike."

Mike walks out of the house. Susan chases after him.

Susan (crying): "Mike, I didn't do it to hurt you. You've gotta believe me. I..."

Lynette, out by her car, turns toward Susan’s cry.

Susan: "I, I should have told you right away. I, I know that. But you know now, so can we please talk about it?"

Gabrielle, doing yoga on her front porch, stops and looks toward Susan.

Mike: "No."

He walks to his truck.

Susan: "Mike, stop."
Mike: "Susan, you said you wanted to help me, and I believed you. That's it. We're done."

Mike gets into his truck and slams the door. Susan cries harder.

Susan: "No, no, no, no, no!"

She stands in front of Mike’s truck blocking the way. Bree comes out of her house to see what's going on.

Susan: "I screwed up, okay? I want to fix it! Please let me fix it! Tell me how to fix it! Mike, I love you!"

Mike stares at Susan and shakes his head. He puts his truck into reverse, backs up, and drives around her.

Susan: "Please, no, please, please. No, Mike! Mike!"

Susan, still in the wedding gown, chases Mike’s truck pleading and crying. Mike drives away. Susan is in the middle of the street, sobbing as she runs after the truck.

Susan: "No, Mike, Mike! Come back! Come back!"

She looks over and sees Paul standing in his yard, staring at her. Paul turns and walks into his house.

Susan: "No, no, no."

Sophie, Lynette, Bree, and Gabrielle all run toward Susan, who has collapsed in the middle of the street.

"Yes, every little girl dreams of a big white wedding. But some dreams just don’t come true."

~ The End ~

This spoiler episode was compiled and completed on November 12, 2005 by Amanda (desperate_housewives at yahoo dot com) and Lucy.
Last Update: November 12, 2005

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