Ultimate Desperate Housewives

Episode 02.05 - "They Asked Me Why I Believe In You"

Mary Alice: "Since her first day on the job, it had been clear to Lynette Scavo that her new boss, Nina, was unusually tense. To help relieve her tension Lynette tried giving her boss thoughtful gifts. A soothing wave machine, aromatherapy candles, even meditative Chi balls. But nothing seemed to ease Nina’s tension. Until one day, when it occurred to Lynette there was one form of relaxation she had yet to try. And although it had come about in a unexpected manner, Nina’s tension had finally been released, the old-fashioned way."

Nina: "Distilled the old-fashioned way? Do you know, it actually hurts my teeth to say that out loud. You folks are going to toddle back to your little holes and you are gonna come up with a decent slogan or I will can all your asses the old-fashioned way!"

Lynette: "It’s a gimlet. You’ll love it."
Nina: "What exactly is your plan here? To get me all liquored up so I’d buy the revised pitch?"
Lynette: "Don’t be ridiculous. Could we get a trough of these please?"

Mary Alice: "Everyone in this world needs someone they can depend upon. Be it a faithful companion, trusted confidant, or loyal friend. For Susan Mayer, that dependable someone was her book agent, Lonnie Moon. It was Lonnie who helped Susan promote her first children’s book. It was Lonnie who rushed Susan to the hospital the night Julie was born. It was Lonnie who took Susan’s mind off her painful divorce with a fun vacation. Yes, Lonnie was Susan’s rock. Sadly for Susan, her rock was about to crumble."

Susan: "Lonnie. What are you doing here?"
Lonnie: "It’s past noon, which now means it is now socially acceptable to start drinking."

Lonnie: "I got into this thing where I had to move a little client money around temporarily to cover some expenses."
Susan: "You had to move money? What does that mean?"
Lonnie: "I took a little from here and I moved it there. It was no big deal."
Susan: "Really? ‘Cause it sorta sounds like embezzlement."
Lonnie: "Why do people keep using that word?"

Carlos: "Is that the baby’s head?"
Gabrielle: "No, it’s his foot."
Carlos: "That looks like a head to me."
Gabrielle: "Well, that settles it. When this baby’s born, I’ll be in charge of putting on the socks."
Carlos: "You’re glowing today, you know that? Pregnancy agrees with you."
Gabrielle: "Yeah? Well if you don’t mind the hemorrhoids and the nausea, it’s quite the party."

Detective 2:: "We’ve got a court order which says until we're done with it, the corpse is ours."
Bree: "He is not a corpse. He is a man named Rex Van de Kamp. He was a loving husband, a devoted father, and a successful doctor. So successful, in fact, that he left me enough money to sue the city, this precinct, and you two gentlemen personally just for the fun of it."

Nina: "Come on, Lynette, just one quick little drink. I was actually starting to think that you and I were becoming pals."
Lynette: "Pals? ‘Cause sometimes it’s hard to tell. You know I wasn’t feeling the love today when you mocked my campaign in front of the clients."
Nina: "That was just putting on a show for work. In the future, always assume that I am winking, inside."

Bree: "How in the world can anyone accuse me of murder?"
Edie: "Well, you are wound pretty tight. What? The super mom is always the first to snap. They’ve done studies."

Bree: "I’ve realized looking back that I was still in shock during Rex’s first funeral. I don’t think it had quite hit me yet what had happened so that’s why this small ceremony means so much to me. Because I realize now that this is the last chance I’m gonna have to say goodbye."
Edie: "Unless, of course, they dig him up again."

Gabrielle: "By the way, he was wearing a suit. How do you know he had a good body?"
Carlos: "Do you know?"
Gabrielle: "No!"
Lamar: "I bet he’s hot!"
Mona: "Do I need to say what our biggest problem is, or can everybody figure it out for themselves?"

Mike: "Susan, he committed a felony."
Susan: "Okay, who in this room has not committed a felony, raise your hand. Ah, ah, ah. Not so fast."

Susan: "Julie, I did something bad. Something really, really bad. Aren’t you gonna ask me what it was?"
Julie: "Do I ever have to?"

Susan: "What would you do if this happened to you?"
Julie: "See, this would never happen to me. This kinda thing only happens to you."
Susan: "Will you stop judging and help me?"

Lonnie: "My life is great. I have never been happier and I've never been fitter! Get off me, you Amazon!"

Gabrielle: "What are you doing here?"
David: "You left me a message. You said that you wanted to talk to me."
Gabrielle: "Yeah. I thought you’d schedule an appointment later. Right now, I’m, I'm sort of disgusting and sweaty."
David: "I’m a criminal lawyer. I’ve seen worse."

David: "You want to know if I’m interested in sleeping with your wife. Well, the answer is yes."
Gabrielle: "Carlos, he’s kidding. Tell him you’re kidding."
Carlos: "Shut it."
David: "And clearly Gabrielle is willful, self centered, and manipulative. She’s also beautiful enough to be worth the trouble. So, the minute we leave this room I’m gonna aggressively pursue her. And when I succeed, which I will, we are gonna fly to my chateau in Chamany and have dinner in a local bistro. They make the best racolin in all of Europe. We’ll make love by the fire and afterwards a little midnight skiing." (to Gabrielle) "You ski, don’t you? You’re athletic, you’ll learn." (to Carlos) "Anyway. All of this only happens if you fire me. If you keep me on, you’re wife’s off limits. I’d get disbarred for sleeping with a client’s wife and nobody’s worth that, not even her. That’s my pitch. I’ll let you think about it."

Bree: "My husband, the man I spent my life with for eighteen years, died thinking that I murdered him!"
Susan: "What?"
Bree: "Yes, the cardiologist shared this moronic theory with Rex and Rex believed him!"
Gabrielle: "Are you sure?"
Bree: "Yes, because he left a note. And it said, and I quote, "Bree, I understand and I forgive you." I spent eighteen years of my life with this man. How could he not know me?"
Edie: "Well, maybe he was forgiving you for something else."
Bree: "I have done nothing to be forgiven for! I was a fantastic wife! When he was sick, I nursed him. When we were low on money, I stayed within a budget. I cooked his meals, I mended his clothes. For the love of god, I used to check his back for acne. And that miserable son of a bitch has the nerve to understand and forgive me! Well, the joke’s on him because I do not understand and I do not forgive!"

Mary Alice: "Everyone in the world needs someone they can depend on. Be they faithful friends, determined advocates, or a loving family. But occasionally in life, the people we thought would always be there for us…leave. And if that happens, it’s amazing the lengths we’ll go to, to get them back."