Ultimate Desperate Housewives

Episode 02.04 - "My Heart Belongs to Daddy"

Mary Alice: "The residents of the Fairview County Jail looked forward to every Tuesday. That was the day that Gabrielle Solis came to visit her husband. The inmates went out of their way to give her compliments whether she wanted them to or not. With each visit, these accolades became increasingly inventive. Still Gabrielle was not flattered. In fact, Gabrielle started to dread this special attention."

Gabrielle: "I don’t think a conjugal visit is such a ridiculous request."
Mr. Doyle: "With all due respect, Mrs. Solis, let’s just get through the discovery phase first, okay?"
Gabrielle: "But, I don’t think I can wait that long."
Mr. Doyle: "I am trying to get your husband out of jail. You want me to just stop everything so you can have a booty call?"
Gabrielle: "Excuse me! We are husband and wife. When we make love it is a very sacred covenant."
Mr. Doyle: "Huh!"

Mike: "You’re the one who said you wanted things to be casual between us."
Susan: "Yeah, but that doesn’t mean we have to act like brother and sister. I mean, you bought me ribs. I have gratitude to express."

Susan: "Zach's your son, and, and I have Julie and you’ve totally accepted her. I mean, granted, she’s been the model child, so far, but she’s almost fifteen. She’s gonna turn on me any minute. You better be there to help me when it gets ugly."
Mike: "I will."

Mike: "Technically, we don’t have to be casual anymore."
Susan: " I can be naked in twenty seconds! That includes travel time."

Gabrielle: "He called me a bitch."
Carlos: "Well, were you acting like one?"
Gabrielle: "He refused to help me get a conjugal visit."
Carlos: "Hold it. My lawyer’s in traction because you wanted sex?"

Lynette: "I couldn’t find Mrs. Mulberry’s umbrella so I brought her her sun hat instead, all right? And, here we go."
Parker: "It’s in the shower."
Lynette: "What?"
Parker: "Mrs. Mulberry said she left it in the shower."
Lynette: "Well why didn’t Mrs. Mulberry volunteer that information before I turned your room upside down looking for it, hmm?"

Bree: "Honey, the feelings that you're having are perfectly normal, but George isn’t trying to take your father’s place. He’s, well, he’s just a friend."
Andrew: "Really? Just a friend? So you're not planning on getting more serious with this guy in the future?"
Bree: "You know, I haven’t even thought about it."
Andrew: "You're so transparent, it’s pathetic. You’re worried about a ripped T-shirt humiliating this family? Wait 'till people see that you’re dating the town nerd less than a month after your husband’s funeral."

Bree: "Andrew, don’t you have a meet at the swim club?"
Andrew: "Yeah. So?"
Bree: "Doesn’t it require a large entrance fee? One that you can’t afford by yourself?"
Andrew: "Are you blackmailing me into coming to dinner?"
Bree: "Oh, you don’t know the lengths I’d go to for even seating."

Edie: "I don’t think Mike would do that to his own son."
Susan: "You know?"
Edie: "That Mike’s Zach’s real father? Yes. Julie told Karl, Karl told me and I sent out a few e-mails."
Susan: "Well, thanks for your discretion."
Edie: "Boy. You would do anything to get Mike Delfino to love you. So what’s gonna happen to little creepy when he gets here? Are you gonna be tucking him in at night? Making him breakfast in the morning? Careful to bob and weave as he tries to blow your head off?"
Susan: "You know, Edie, could you just back off? I mean the truth is we’re probably never gonna find Zach, anyway. It’s a needle in a haystack."
Edie: "Oh, I see, and then you’ll still come off as little Miss Perfect self-sacrificing girlfriend. Putting his needs ahead of yours. Oh, why you conniving little shrew. I don’t know why we’re not closer."

David: "Can I be frank?"
Gabrielle: "Only if it ends with me getting what I want."

Bree: "I can’t believe how well those two are getting along."
Danielle: "Yeah. It’s freaky."
Bree: "Andrew is being polite and engaging. He’s even laughing at George’s jokes."
Danielle: "That’s why it’s freaky. George’s jokes aren’t funny."

Andrew: "Have you ever actually been with a woman?"
George: "Excuse me?"
Andrew: "Well, let’s be honest. I think it's obvious by the way that you talk and act that you're not a player. So, I was just curious to find out if you had ever actually gotten in the game."
George: "My experience with women is none of your business."
Andrew: "I think it is. I mean, you’re dating my mom. And we both know that at your age, dating’s a little more than just holding hands."
George: "We’re not dating, exactly."
Andrew: "Well, sure you are. And you know what? I think it’s great, but I want to make sure my mom’s happy, you know and it would really set my mind at ease to know she’s with a guy who knows how to please a lady."
George: "This is inappropriate."
Andrew: "You know, my parents had a great sex life. Yeah, I heard 'em through the wall in my bedroom once."
George: "Please shut up."
Andrew: "You should have heard my mom too. She had this, this weird moan. It was kinda like 'ummm, uh!' Isn’t that bizarre? That’s the sound my mom makes when she climaxes."

David: "Care for a drink?"
Gabrielle: "No. I like to keep a clear head when I’m telling people off. What makes you think you know anything about me or my husband?"
David: "Well, your husband’s record speaks for itself. But you, I’d rely on my instincts."
Gabrielle: "Would those be the same instincts that picked out that cologne?"

Susan: "I got you some ice cream."
Mike: "You did?"
Susan: "But then I got hungry."

Susan: "So then I just threw my ice cream at him and ran. Well, somebody say something."
Gabrielle: "Thank God you were in flats."

Tom: "How about hugs?"
Lynette: "Hugs?"
Tom: "Yeah. read about in one of those family magazines that kids are supposed to get, like, ten hugs a day. It makes them feel more secure. I say pile on the hugs."
Lynette: "That’ll fix everything? Hugs?"
Tom: "Yeah. Come here. Come here. Hi."
Lynette: "Hi."
Tom (hugging Lynette): "It’s working, isn’t it?"
Lynette: "Shut up."

Guard: "Conjugal visit rules are you got forty-five minutes.We call every fifteen minutes to make sure you’re still here.You understand?"
Gabrielle: "Yes, we got it. Uh, we interrupt our lovemaking to answer the phone or you call out the dogs."

Tom: "I’m sure Mrs. Mulberry is around here somewhere."
Lynette: "Or, uh, maybe she’s not. She could have left. You know. Maybe she had some other little boy that she needed to help."
Parker: "Like who?"
Lynette: "I don’t know. It could be a little boy in, uh, England named Spencer."
Tom: "Lynette?"
Lynette: "I mean this is conjecture on my part, but it is possible that someone like little Spencer needs Mrs. Mulberry more 'cause he doesn’t have a daddy and a mommy who love him. Yeah, that’s it. He’s an orphan with no hands. Okay?"

Tom: "Hey, what’s wrong?"
Lynette: "Because of me, my son’s imaginary friend got crushed by a garbage truck. I am the worst person in the world."
Tom: "Honey, he is gonna get over this in no time. Trust me. And one day, when he is all grown up, you and Parker are gonna laugh hysterically about this."
Lynette: "You really think so? Really?"
Tom: "I promise."

Mary Alice:: "The world is filled with good fathers. How do we recognize them? They’re the ones who are missed so terribly that everything falls apart in their absence. They’re the ones who love us, long before we’ve even arrived. They’re the ones who come looking for us when we can’t find our way home. Yes, the world is filled with good fathers. And the best are the ones who make the women in their lives feel like good mothers."