This was typed by Lucy and Amanda, mere humans, and mistakes are possible. If you find any, no matter how trivial, please let me know. (desperate_housewives at yahoo dot com)

In the interest of finishing the transcripts faster, screen caps will no longer be placed on the transcripts. You can find screen caps at the following websites:
Desperate Housewives
Wisteria Lane
The Suburbs

If you know of any other screen caps sites, please e-mail them to me: (desperate_housewives at yahoo dot com)

Guest stars
"Andrew Van de Kamp" - Shawn Pyfrom
"Danielle Van de Kamp" - Joy Lauren
"Matthew Applewhite" - Mehcad Brooks
"Preston Scavo" - Brent Kinsman
"Porter Scavo" - Shane Kinsman
"Parker Scavo" - Zane Huett
"George Williams" - Roger Bart
"David Bradley" - Adrian Pasdar
"Mr. Doyle" - Michael Hitchcock
"Headmaster Lentz" - Harry S. Murphy
"Mrs. Truesdale" - Shannon O'Hurley
"Officer" - Joe Basile
"Patty" - Aaliyah Franks
"Coach" - John Hemphill
"Ice Cream Vendor" - Kevin Will
"Inmate #1" - Allan Graf
"Inmate #2" - Bill Goldberg
"Inmate #3" - Branscombe Richmond

Written by: Joey Murphy & John Pardee
Directed by: Robert Duncan McNeill

Fairview County Jail – Outside Yard

"The residents of the Fairview County Jail looked forward to every Tuesday."

The yard is built around a fenced-in walkway. Inmates are milling around the yard.

"That was the day that Gabrielle Solis came to visit her husband."

Flashback - Gabrielle enters the fenced in enclosure. All the inmates gather near the fence to watch her walk through the enclosure.

"The inmates went out of their way to give her compliments whether she wanted them to or not."

Flashback – The inmates make kissing noises and whistle as Gabrielle walks through. Gabrielle shakes her head in disgust.

"With each visit, these accolades became increasingly inventive."

Flashback - Gabrielle in a gold outfit walks through. The inmates continue to make sexual gestures and cat calls.

Inmates: "Who’s your daddy! Look over here!"

"Still Gabrielle was not flattered. In fact, Gabrielle started to dread this special attention."

Flashback – Gabrielle enters the enclosure. Inmates makes gestures as though he is riding a horse. Gabrielle is disgusted and ignores them.

Inmates: "Ride em.. Ride em!"

"Until one day when…"

Present - Fairview County Jail – Daytime

Gabrielle is walking down the fenced in area with Carlos’ lawyer, Mr. Doyle.

Gabrielle: "I don’t think a conjugal visit is such a ridiculous request."
Mr. Doyle: "With all due respect, Mrs. Solis, let’s just get through the discovery phase first, okay?"
Gabrielle: "But, I don’t think I can wait that long."
Mr. Doyle: "I am trying to get your husband out of jail. You want me to just stop everything so you can have a booty call?"

Gabrielle smacks the attorney with her purse.

Gabrielle: "Excuse me! We are husband and wife. When we make love it is a very sacred covenant."
Mr. Doyle: "Huh!"
Gabrielle: "Okay, look, all we need is twenty minutes."
Mr. Doyle: "I said no."
Gabrielle: "You can’t tell me no.You work for me. You will make it happen!"
Mr. Doyle: "You can’t force me to do anything. I am not your maid. Or your gardener."

Gabrielle slaps Mr. Doyle. All the inmates along the walkway are watching.

Inmates: "Oh, Oh, ha!"
Mr. Doyle: "I could have you arrested for that."
Gabrielle: "Oh really. Then how about for this?"

Gabrielle slaps him again, even harder. He falls against the fence.

Mr. Doyle: "You crazy bitch! Ow!"

Inmate #1, behind the fence, pokes Mr. Doyle with a stick.

Inmate #1: "Apologize to the lady!"
Mr. Doyle: "Big mistake, pal. I play golf with the warden. You’re gonna rot in-ow!"

Inmate #2 on the other side, pokes Mr. Doyle with a stick.

Inmate #2: "You heard him. Apologize!"

Gabrielle looks on in shock.

Mr. Doyle: "Look, fellows, I am just trying to do my job. This is all her fault. If she weren’t so damn horny... Ow! Ow! Ow! All right, all right."

Inmates behind Mr. Doyle continue to poke him with sticks. He staggers toward the exit gate as the inmates continue to poke and yell at him.

A whistle blows. A guard in the tower shoots tear gas into the crowd. The inmates continue to poke Mr. Doyle. One inmate grabs him by his tie and pulls him into the fence.

Inmates: "Apologize!"

"It was at that moment, it occurred to Gabrielle this was the nicest compliment she had ever received."

Gabrielle watches and smiles.

Opening Credits

Wisteria Lane – Twilight

"There was one thing all the fathers on Wisteria Lane had in common."

Flashback - A car drives up in front of a home. A man gets out of car and runs up to the front door as 2 kids run out the front door and hug their daddy.

Kids: "Daddy, daddy."

"They could return home after a hard day's work the family they left behind."

Flashback - Man #2 approaches his porch and two little girls run out and hug him.

Little Girl: "Daddy, daddy."

"And not feel at all guilty about the precious moments they had missed."

Wisteria Lane – Nighttime

Lynette pulls into her driveway and runs into her house.

"Sadly, the same could not be said for the working mothers."

Lynette’s House

Parker is fast asleep in his bed. Lynette creeps into the room quietly. She sees a black umbrella lying on the bed next to Parker. She covers Parker with the blanket and taps him with a kiss.

Lynette’s House – Kitchen

Tom: "Hey, honey. I held dinner for as long as I could. It just got-"

Lynette kisses Tom.

Tom: "-too late for them."
Lynette: "You couldn't have given them coffee or something? I just feel like I’m missing out on their lives entirely."
Tom: "Hey, you sit, eat and I will fill you in."

Lynette sits down at the kitchen table where there is a plate of spaghetti. She picks up the bread and begins eating.

Tom: "Oh, don’t eat that. That’s been sitting out for hours. That’s for Mrs. Mulberry." (getting a plate out of the oven) "This is for you."

Tom brings a warm plate to Lynette.

Lynette: "I’m sorry, who?"
Tom: "Oh, Mrs. Mulberry. Parker has an imaginary friend. Um, British nanny. I think he really locked into the whole Mary Poppins thing."
Lynette: "Is that why he’s sleeping with an umbrella?"
Tom: "He carries it with him everywhere. It’s a security blanket."
Lynette: "When did this start?"
Tom: "About a week ago, I guess."
Lynette: "And you don’t find it odd that Parker’s new nanny made her appearance right at the time I went back to work?"
Tom: "Kids have imaginary friends. It’s no big deal."
Lynette: "I agree with you to a point when they're flying kangaroos or giant robots, not surrogate mommies."
Tom: "Hey, Parker is having a little trouble adjusting, that’s all. Apparently, so are you. Honey, don’t be so sensitive."
Lynette: "I hope you’re right. At the risk of sounding too sensitive," (pointing to Mrs. Mulberry’s plate) "how come she gets a bigger portion?"

Susan’s House – Nighttime

Susan is on the front porch, holding a swan made of tin foil. Mike kisses her, then walks away.

Susan: "What, that’s it?"
Mike: "You’re the one who said you wanted things to be casual between us."
Susan: "Yeah, but that doesn’t mean we have to act like brother and sister. I mean, you bought me ribs. I have gratitude to express."

Susan pulls Mike to her and kisses him. Mike kisses her back, then pulls away.

Susan: "What’s wrong?"
Mike: "I can’t do this. This casual thing. It’s, it’s weird."
Susan: "No, no, it’s not. We’re just gonna pretend like it was when we first started dating. We’ll just see each other occasionally. You know, until we get this Zach thing resolved. You know, we’ll just be easy about it. No commitments. Except, of course, neither of us is allowed to date anybody else."
Mike: "Look, I know how you feel about Zach, and I don’t blame you. But he’s part of the package right now and either you can accept that or you can’t."

Susan nods.

Mike: "Anyway."

Mike begins to walk away. Susan watches as Mike leaves.

Susan: "Mike, wait!"

She runs after him. She catches up with him.

Susan: "I accept."
Mike: "Are you sure?"
Susan: "Zach's your son, and, and I have Julie and you’ve totally accepted her. I mean, granted, she’s been the model child, so far, but she’s almost fifteen. She’s gonna turn on me any minute. You better be there to help me when it gets ugly."
Mike: "I will."

They smile and Susan kisses Mike.

Susan: "Good night."

She walks back toward her house.

Mike: "Uh, Susan."
Susan: "Yeah?"
Mike: "Technically, we don’t have to be casual anymore."
Susan: " I can be naked in twenty seconds! That includes travel time."

Susan pulls Mike toward his house.

Fairview Jail Visiting Room

Couples are sitting across from each other.

Gabrielle: "Carlos, will you calm down?"
Carlos: "You incited a prison riot!"
Gabrielle: "It wasn’t a riot. It was more of a melee."
Carlos: "Who’s going to defend me now? Doyle knew my case. He knew the judge."
Gabrielle: "He called me a bitch."
Carlos: "Well, were you acting like one?"
Gabrielle: "He refused to help me get a conjugal visit."
Carlos: "Hold it. My lawyer’s in traction because you wanted sex?"
Gabrielle: "Not just for me. For us. In case you haven’t noticed, Carlos, our marriage is still on shaky ground."
Carlos: "And you thought a conjugal visit would fix it?"
Gabrielle: "It couldn’t hurt! Ever since you’ve been in here, all we do is bicker!"
Carlos: "That’s all we ever did when I was out! That’s what we do!"
Gabrielle: "Yeah, but when we would finish arguing, we had this great sex! Now all we do is fight and there’s no payoff and it sucks! You and I need to get laid!"

Everyone in the room turns to look at her.

Gabrielle: "Oh, don’t judge me! You’re not in here because you got caught helping the poor." (to Carlos) "See, we'd be enjoying this argument more if we had something to look forward to!"
Carlos: "Fine! Get the damn lawyer. And make it quick."

Gabrielle leaves.

Outside Bree’s House – Nighttime

Bree stands outside with George. He leans forward and she kisses him on the forehead.

George: "I take it that was my goodnight kiss."
Bree: "George, you’re a very special friend, you are, but Rex hasn’t been dead four weeks so I think kissing on the lips is…"
George: "Further than you want to go."
Bree: "Exactly. I hope you don’t mind."

George takes hold of Bree’s hands. The front door of Bree’s house slams. They turn and see Andrew come out holding a trash bag. They drop hands.

Bree: "Andrew. What are you doing?"
Andrew: "Taking out the garbage."
Bree: "Of course. You remember Mr. Williams."
George: "Hi, Andrew."
Andrew: "George."
Bree: "Ah, well it’s getting late so…"
George: "Yeah. So let me know if you want to go out to dinner again soon. There's a couple new restaurants I would like to try."
Bree: "You know, we’ve been eating out a lot lately. Why don’t you come over Friday for a home-cooked meal. Wouldn’t that be nice?"

Andrew stands next to Bree.

George: "I would love that."
Andrew: "So you leaving or what?"
George: "We're not done talking."
Andrew: "She said it was getting late. In case you missed that, that was a hint."
Bree: "Andrew, that wasn’t a hint."
George: "I’ll go when I’m ready."
Bree: "Actually, it is getting late, and I am tired, so..."
Andrew: "See, you heard the lady. Now take off."

Andrew pushes George.

Bree: "Andrew!"
George: "It’s okay. He’s not really that tough. He knows I would never hit a child."

Andrew shoves George with both hands.

Bree: "Andrew!"

George pushes Andrew with one hand.

Bree: "George."

Andrew shoves George and knocks him down.

Bree: "Stop it, the two of you, this instant! This was a perfectly lovely evening and now the both of you have ruined it. I will not tolerate this kind of behavior. Do you understand?"

Andrew nods. Bree turns toward George, who is still on the ground. George gets up.

Bree: "All right then. George, we’ll see you Friday for dinner. I’ll be serving fish."

Bree turns and walks inside. Andrew follows her. George stares after him.

Lynette’s house – Morning

Lynette is sitting on Parker’s bed, waking him. Parker is holding the umbrella as he sleeps.

Lynette: "Hey buddy, wake up sleepyhead. Parker. Hi, hi pal. What do you say you and me go get some donuts, okay, before mommy has to go to work. Yeah?"

She pulls Parker up, but he falls back down asleep, hugging his umbrella.

Lynette: "Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on."

Lynette’s Car – Morning

Lynette climbs in. Parker is sitting in the back seat.

Lynette: "All right. Ah. So, what do you think you are going to have, huh? Jelly? Cause I think I’m gonna have a bear claw."

Lynette begins backing up the car.

Parker: "Stop! We forgot Mrs. Mulberry!"
Lynette: "What? Oh, um. Well, since I’m here, maybe she could just relax in the house for a little while, okay?"
Parker: "No! I need her!"
Lynette: "Okay."

Lynette unbuckles her seat belt and gets out. She stands outside the passenger door and pretends to talk to someone.

Lynette: "Hello, Mrs. Mulberry. Don’t forget to buckle up."

Back in the driver’s seat, she begins to back up the car.

Lynette: "Here we go."
Parker: "Wait! You forgot her umbrella!"
Lynette: "Well Parker, we don’t have time."
Parker: "No! She needs it!"

Lynette unbuckles her seat belt and runs inside the house.

Lynette’s House - Bedroom

Tom is helping one of the twins get ready.

Tom: "Hey, what are you still doing here?"
Lynette: "I’m looking for Parker’s umbrella. Have you seen it?"
Tom: "Nope, no, sorry. Hey honey, you’d better hurry. You’re gonna be late for work."
Lynette: "Thank you for that."

Lynette runs out of the room. She runs outside, carrying a wide sun hat, and gets into the car.

Lynette: "I couldn’t find Mrs. Mulberry’s umbrella so I brought her her sun hat instead, all right? And, here we go."
Parker: "It’s in the shower."
Lynette: "What?"
Parker: "Mrs. Mulberry said she left it in the shower."
Lynette: "Well why didn’t Mrs. Mulberry volunteer that information before I turned your room upside down looking for it, hmm?"
Parker: "Are you going to go get it?"
Lynette: "No! I’m not going to get the damn umbrella! I’m so sorry, sweetie. I am not mad at you."

Parker unbuckles his seat belt and climbs out of the car.

Lynette: "What are you doing?"

Parker opens the other passenger door, then slams it.

Parker: "We don’t want donuts."

Parker goes back into the house. Lynette puts her head on the steering wheel and sighs.

Bree’s House

Bree is folding laundry when Andrew comes in wearing a ripped T-shirt.

Bree: "Andrew! You are not leaving the house dressed like that."
Andrew: "I’m, I'm just gonna meet some of the guys at the swim club."
Bree: "I don’t care. Here, put this on. Every time you leave this house, you represent this family. And the least you can do is not humiliate us."

Andrew removes the ripped shirt and puts on the shirt Bree hands him.

Andrew: "A ripped T-shirt is just a look."
Bree: "Yes. A bad one. I hope you haven’t made plans for tomorrow night."
Andrew: "Look, if you think I’m having dinner with the pharmacist, you’re crazy."
Bree: "Part of the reason I’m having him over is so that you can get to know him."
Andrew: "Yeah, well, I don’t want to get to know him."
Bree: "Honey, the feelings that you're having are perfectly normal, but George isn’t trying to take your father’s place. He’s, well, he’s just a friend."
Andrew: "Really? Just a friend? So you're not planning on getting more serious with this guy in the future?"
Bree: "You know, I haven’t even thought about it."
Andrew: "You're so transparent, it’s pathetic. You’re worried about a ripped T-shirt humiliating this family? Wait 'till people see that you’re dating the town nerd less than a month after your husband’s funeral."
Bree: "I’ll be serving dinner tomorrow at seven. Please don’t be late."
Andrew: "Sorry, but, I already have plans."
Bree: "Andrew, don’t you have a meet at the swim club?"
Andrew: "Yeah. So?"
Bree: "Doesn’t it require a large entrance fee? One that you can’t afford by yourself?"
Andrew: "Are you blackmailing me into coming to dinner?"
Bree: "Oh, you don’t know the lengths I’d go to for even seating."

Wisteria Lane – Daytime

Susan is putting up a "missing" flier of Zach on a tree. Edie approaches wearing a bright pink cast on her leg.

Edie: "Mayer! Is this yours?"

She holds up the flier.

Edie: "It blew into my front yard."
Susan: "Oh, sorry. I’m helping Mike find Zach. You know, so we can all rest easy at night."
Edie: "Uh huh. And put him in jail? Oh, I don’t think Mike would do that to his own son."
Susan: "You know?"
Edie: "That Mike’s Zach’s real father? Yes. Julie told Karl, Karl told me and I sent out a few e-mails."
Susan: "Well, thanks for your discretion."
Edie: "Boy. You would do anything to get Mike Delfino to love you. So what’s gonna happen to little creepy when he gets here? Are you gonna be tucking him in at night? Making him breakfast in the morning? Careful to bob and weave as he tries to blow your head off?"
Susan: "You know, Edie, could you just back off? I mean the truth is we’re probably never gonna find Zach, anyway. It’s a needle in a haystack."
Edie: "Oh, I see, and then you’ll still come off as little Miss Perfect self-sacrificing girlfriend. Putting his needs ahead of yours. Oh, why you conniving little shrew. I don’t know why we’re not closer."

David Bradley’s Law Office

"There was a reason David Bradley was the most successful lawyer in all of Fairview."

Flashback - David is sitting across the desk from an attractive blond.

"His arguments were persuasive."

David: "No one ever has to know."

He grabs the blond and begins kissing her.

Flashback – He pushes a brunette against the wall and begins kissing her.

"His manner was forceful."

David: "Take it off. Take it off."

Flashback – His office door opens. Another woman comes out wearing a skimpy dress.

"And he tended to win on appeal."

David: "Please."

He begins kissing woman #3.

"And when it came to the more challenging cases…"

Present time. Gabrielle is sitting across from David while he looks through Carlos’ file.

"He knew it was to his advantage to raise the first objection."

David: "I’m not gonna take your case."
Gabrielle: "What?"

The intercom beeps.

David: "Yes?"
Secretary: "Sorry to interrupt, Mr. Bradley. Your dinner just cancelled. Did you want me to pull your reservation?"
David: "No, I still have to eat!" (to Gabrielle) "I’m sorry. Where were we?"
Gabrielle: "You were about to turn me down, then you reconsidered once you realized I was gonna throw a ton of money at you. Which I am."
David: "Ah. It’s not about the money for me anymore, Mrs. Solis. The fact is if I don’t feel passionately about a client, if I don’t feel that fire in my belly, I don’t bring my A game to court. And from what I've read, it will take my A game to save your husband."
Gabrielle: "Is this about the gay bashing thing? He’s innocent."
David: "He went berserk and attacked a man in court."
Gabrielle: "Yeah, but that was a jealously thing. The man that my husband was trying to kill in court is not the least bit gay. Trust me."
David: "Your file also says you're seeking conjugal visits. Trying to keep the old marriage alive, huh?"
Gabrielle: "Why does everybody have a problem with me having sex with my husband?"
David: "Can I be frank?"
Gabrielle: "Only if it ends with me getting what I want."
David: "Your marriage is doomed. "
Gabrielle: "Excuse me?"
David: "I’ve been doing this for a long time, Mrs. Solis. I know what incarceration can do to a relationship. Marriage is hard enough, but when you throw in cement walls and armed guards, iron bars, it tends to go downhill rather quickly. Conjugal visits, not withstanding."
Gabrielle: "But, I-"
David: "Listen. You want my advice? Walk away. You’re young. You made a mistake. Learn from it. Maybe next time you’ll marry smarter. If you’ll excuse me, I have dinner reservations."
Gabrielle: "Reservation! You’re eating alone, remember? And I have a feeling it’s not the first time!"

Gabrielle grabs the file and walks out. David smiles as she leaves.

Parker’s School – Headmasters’s Office

Lynette: "I’m so sorry I couldn’t get here sooner. I forgot my husband had to take our youngest to the pediatrician..."
Headmaster Lentz: "It’s all right, Mrs. Scavo."
Lynette: "So, what did Parker do?"
Mrs. Truesdale: "Are you aware that your son has an imaginary friend? Mrs. Mulberry?"
Lynette: "Yes. We’ve met."
Mrs. Truesdale: "Well, um, yesterday Parker demanded that Mrs. Mulberry get her own easel during art, which was fine. But today it was a desk, and unfortunately we didn’t have an extra desk."
Lynette: "Oh. That must have been ugly."
Patty: "It was."
Mrs. Truesdale: "Patty was rammed with this."

She passes over the umbrella.

Lynette: "Oh, I am so sorry."
Headmaster Lentz: "Mrs. Scavo. Have you experienced a death in your family recently?"
Lynette: "No. No. Why?"
Mrs. Truesdale: "Imaginary friends are often created as a coping mechanism, to deal with loss."
Lynette: "Uh huh."
Headmaster Lentz: "Or it might occur as a result of some major change or extensive alteration in their lives."
Mrs. Truesdale: "Exactly. A manifestation of some deep-seated unhappiness. Can you think of anything that might shed a little bit of light on this for us?"

Lynette begins to cry.

Headmaster Lentz: "Mrs. Scavo?"

Lynette cries louder. Patty hands a tissue box to the Mrs. Truesdale, who hands it to Headmaster Lentz, who hands it to Lynette.

Lynette: "Thank you."

Bree’s House

Bree clears the table from dinner as George and Andrew sit across from each other at the dining room table.

George: "And I’m thinking it’s the Golden Gate bridge. What a great place to get a picture of the sunset. So I lean out, way over the rail to get the shot. Next thing I know, the police arrived. People had called nine-one-one from their cell phones. Thought I was suicidal."

George laughs. Andrew, sitting across from him, also laughs. Bree seems pleased. She carries plates into the kitchen, where Danielle is washing dishes.

Bree: "I can’t believe how well those two are getting along."
Danielle: "Yeah. It’s freaky."
Bree: "Andrew is being polite and engaging. He’s even laughing at George’s jokes."
Danielle: "That’s why it’s freaky. George’s jokes aren’t funny."

In the dining room, George and Andrew are still laughing.

Andrew: "So, George. Can I ask you a question? It’s kinda personal."
George: "Sure."
Andrew: "Have you ever actually been with a woman?"
George: "Excuse me?"
Andrew: "Well, let’s be honest. I think it's obvious by the way that you talk and act that you're not a player. So, I was just curious to find out if you had ever actually gotten in the game."
George: "My experience with women is none of your business."
Andrew: "I think it is. I mean, you’re dating my mom. And we both know that at your age, dating’s a little more than just holding hands."
George: "We’re not dating, exactly."
Andrew: "Well, sure you are. And you know what? I think it’s great, but I want to make sure my mom’s happy, you know and it would really set my mind at ease to know she’s with a guy who knows how to please a lady."
George: "This is inappropriate."
Andrew: "You know, my parents had a great sex life. Yeah, I heard 'em through the wall in my bedroom once."
George: "Please shut up."
Andrew: "You should have heard my mom too. She had this, this weird moan. It was kinda like 'ummm, uh!' Isn’t that bizarre? That’s the sound my mom makes when she climaxes."

George stares at Andrew. Bree and Danielle enter the room, carrying dessert.

Bree: "Okay, time for cobbler. Sorry, one of the dessert plates doesn’t match. I tried to replace it but it’s Spode Florence. It’s a rare pattern. Belonged to my grandmother, but hopefully, once you taste the dessert, you’ll forget all about it."
George: "I’m not hungry."
Bree: "George you have to have this. It’s absolutely scrumptious." (Bree takes a bite) "Ummm, ummm!"

Andrew mouths "That's it" to George while pointing to his mother. George jumps up and slams his hand on the table.

George: "Go to your room!"
Bree: "George."
George: "You heard me. Go to your room."
Andrew: "Mr. Williams, what’s wrong? Did I say something wrong?"
George: "Bree, please back me up."
Bree: "Well. What did he say?"
George: "I can’t say. It’s too sordid, but he said it! Are you gonna back me up or what?"
Bree: "George, I can’t allow you to discipline my child if you won’t even tell me what he did."

George stares at Andrew, who smiles slightly. George storms out of the house.

Bree: "George! George!"

Gabrielle’s House

Gabrielle enters the kitchen, carrying shopping bags. She pushes the button on the answering machine.

David: (on machine) "Mrs. Solis. David Bradley. Look I feel really bad about the tone of our meeting so to make up for it, I’m gonna do you a favor. The more I think of it, the more I’m convinced your marriage is a train wreck, the gnarly type, you know, mass casualties. Anyway, I’m passing on the name of a divorce lawyer. K-"

Gabrielle hits the "off" button, hard.

David Bradley’s Law Office

Gabrielle storms in.

Gabrielle: "You have some nerve, leaving that message on my machine."
David: "You realize this is entirely inappropriate."
Gabrielle: "I will tell you what is inappropriate. You making sweeping assumptions about the state of my marriage."
David: "Care for a drink?"
Gabrielle: "No. I like to keep a clear head when I’m telling people off. What makes you think you know anything about me or my husband?"
David: "Well, your husband’s record speaks for itself. But you, I’d rely on my instincts."
Gabrielle: "Would those be the same instincts that picked out that cologne?"
David: "You’re privileged. You’re pampered. You’re spoiled. You want what you want, when you want it. You want excitement. A quickie every five months in a prison trailer isn’t gonna scratch that itch."
Gabrielle: "With all due respect, I will decide for myself what needs to be scratched and when."
David: "Mrs. Solis, you are a beautiful, desirable woman. Your husband is a dimwit. A corrupt violent criminal. You could do so much better."
Gabrielle: "Are you hitting on me?"
David: "What would you say if I were?"
Gabrielle: "I’d say I’m pregnant!"
David: "So, I see you’re stuck."
Gabrielle: "I’m not stuck, Mr. Bradley. Believe it or not, I love my husband."
David: "I charge seven hundred dollars an hour plus Xeroxing."
Gabrielle: "I’ll pay you six and I expect a conjugal visit tomorrow by noon."
David: "Aren't you demanding."
Gabrielle: "Like you said. I want what I want when I want it."

She walks out of the office.

Fairview Memorial Park - Daytime

Mike and Susan are walking through the park, holding fliers.

Mike: "So, a woman I talked to in Social Service said a lot of runaways hang out here. What?"
Susan: "I’m just happy to be spending the day with you."
Mike: "At homeless shelters and bus stations? I’m gonna go ask these guys if they’ve seen Zach. I think we’ll cover more ground if we split up."
Susan: "Okay."

Mike kisses Susan before he walks away.

Mike: "Thanks."

Susan walks around by herself, handing out fliers to people she passes.

Susan: "Have you seen this boy? Hey, missing kid. Anyone? Going once, going twice..."

At an ice cream stand, Susan takes two sundaes, holding one in each hand. She gestures to the fliers.

Susan: "Oh. Do you mind keeping those and pass them out when people get their ice cream?"
Ice Cream Vendor: "Huh."
Susan: "What?"
Ice Cream Vendor: "Well, isn’t that him?"

He points to a nearby bench.

Ice Cream Vendor: "Over there."

Susan sees Zach sitting on the bench.

Susan: "Oh. Zach. Zach!"

Susan runs to Zach, still holding the ice cream. Zach sees her and takes off running.

Susan: "Whoa. No, no no. No, no no, oh. Don’t, don’t, don’t. Don’t, don’t, Zach, don’t run away. Wait! Come on, just, would you just get back here? Come on really, just, let’s just talk."

Susan chases after Zach, as the ice cream drips all over her.

Susan: "Damn it Zach. It’s enough already."

Zach is cornered and picks up a plank of wood and holds it up toward Susan. Susan tosses the ice cream and runs away.

Mike is standing by a statue, looking around. Susan comes running up, looking behind her. She is a mess, covered in ice cream and fudge sauce.

Mike: "Nobody here has seen Zach. But theress a halfway house on the west side I want to check out. Are you okay?"
Susan: "I got you some ice cream."
Mike: "You did?"
Susan: "But then I got hungry."

Bree’s House

Susan, Gabrielle, and Bree stand in the kitchen.

Susan: "So then I just threw my ice cream at him and ran. Well, somebody say something."
Gabrielle: "Thank God you were in flats."
Bree: "I’m still recovering from Mike is Zach’s real father."
Susan: "I should have told Mike I saw Zach. I’m a horrible person, right?"
Gabrielle: "No, Susan, come on. Zach attacked Felicia. He, he blew up your kitchen. Evidently he tried to kill Mike. We can all agree this kid’s a freak!"
Susan: "What do you think, Bree?"
Bree: "Well, I think given everything that’s happened, um, it’s perfectly justified that you’d be frightened of Zach."
Susan: "But…"
Bree: "But, Zach is Mary Alice’s son. He grew up playing in our yards. If he has any hope of surviving, I have to believe he’s better off here than on the street."

Susan nods.

Lynette’s House

Tom and Lynette are doing dishes together.

Lynette: "I couldn’t have imagined how much going back to work would upset Parker."
Tom: "Look, he’s gonna be fine. He’s just gotta get used to daddy providing all the love. I’m kidding, I’m kidding. I am kidding. Kids are resilient. He will adapt."
Lynette: "Tom, he attacked a teacher with an umbrella."
Tom: "It was a poke. He poked her."
Lynette: "I don’t know. Maybe I shouldn’t be working."
Tom: "The kids would certainly benefit from having two stay-at-home parents, although buying food might become an issue."
Lynette: "Maybe I can change my work schedule. Try to get some flex time."
Tom: "Would Nina go for that?"
Lynette: "No! No, no, no, no, no! It would help if you came up with some ideas."
Tom: "How about hugs?"
Lynette: "Hugs?"
Tom: "Yeah. read about in one of those family magazines that kids are supposed to get, like, ten hugs a day. It makes them feel more secure. I say pile on the hugs."
Lynette: "That’ll fix everything? Hugs?"
Tom: "Yeah. Come here. Come here. Hi."
Lynette: "Hi."
Tom (hugging Lynette): "It’s working, isn’t it?"
Lynette: "Shut up."

Lynette’s House - Parker’s Room

Parker is sitting in his bed, reading by flashlight under an open umbrella. Lynette enters.

Lynette: "Hey, buddy. You busy?"
Parker: "Yes. Mrs. Mulberry is reading to me."
Lynette: "Well, isn’t she nice. It’s time for bed, so I’m gonna tuck you in, okay?"

Lynette closes the book and takes the umbrella.

Parker: "No!"

Lynette closes the umbrella and sits next to Parker.

Lynette: "I know things have been hard for you since I started back to work, but it is just as hard for me to be away from you. And, you just have to remember that even when I’m not around, my love for you is real. You may not be able to see it, but it’s not imaginary like Mrs. Mulberry. It’s real. Okay, honey?"
Parker: "Mrs. Mulberry is real. She said you’re a liar."
Lynette: "Parker!"

Parker pulls the sheet over his head. Lynette pulls it down.

Lynette: "Parker."
Parker: "We’re reading."

He pulls the sheet back over him.

Lynette pats Parker’s head and walks out.

Fairview Memorial Park – Daytime

Bree and George are having a picnic at a picnic table.

George: "I don’t understand. Why can’t we see each other anymore?"
Bree: "Because. Ever since I found out what Andrew said, I’ve been doing some soul searching and I realize that everything that’s happened is completely my fault."
George: "Oh no. That’s, that's ridiculous."
Bree: "No, it’s not. All the things that Andrew’s been saying, the way he’s been acting, it’s all connected to his father’s death and it’s clear to me that I need to spend more time focusing on him and his needs."
George: "You know, you’re right. You do need to focus on Andrew."
Bree: "Thank you, George, for being so understanding."
George: "Of course. So have you thought about counseling? That place you sent him to, that behavioral modification camp. He got counseling there, right?"
Bree: "But I only sent him there because his behavior at the time was so completely out of bounds."
George: "You don’t think that what he said to me was out of bounds?"
Bree: "I just think if I spend a lot of time with him, it’ll really help."
George: "Why not do both? Let him spend a few months with some caring professionals, then bring him home."
Bree: "What he said to you was horribly rude. That camp, it’s extreme and unless I felt like Andrew was getting really out of control, then…"
George: "Well, let’s hope it doesn’t come to that. You know, in spite of everything that’s happened, I really like Andrew."
Bree: "Oh George, really?"
George: "Yeah. Truth is, he reminds me of me."

Fairview County Jail Conjugal Visit Trailer

Guard: "Conjugal visit rules are you got forty-five minutes.We call every fifteen minutes to make sure you’re still here.You understand?"
Gabrielle: "Yes, we got it. Uh, we interrupt our lovemaking to answer the phone or you call out the dogs."

Gabrielle pushes the guard out of the trailer. She turns toward Carlos.

Gabrielle: "I’m ready whenever you…"

Carlos is already in his underwear.

Gabrielle: "…obviously are."

Gabrielle jumps into Carlos’ arms. They fall on the bed and begin kissing.

Later, clothes are strewn all over the floor. Carlos and Gabrielle in bed.

Gabrielle: "Carlos, are we gonna make it?"
Carlos: "We just did. You wanna go again?"
Gabrielle: "No. I’m talking about us. Our relationship, our marriage. Carlos, you’re gonna be a father. When you get out of here, you’re gonna need to get a job and make an honest living, for me and our child."
Carlos: "Babe, I’ve learned my lesson. Okay, when I get out of here, everything’s gonna be different. We’re gonna start over with a new life, and a great family and nothing is gonna get in the way of that. Hey, so you never told me. How’s the new lawyer? Do you like him?"

The phone rings. Carlos reaches over and answers.

Carlos: "Yeah. Yeah, I’m still here."
Gabrielle: "Okay, enough chit chat. We only have thirty minutes left and I want to make the most of it."

Fairview Memorial Park

Susan is wandering around the park. She sees Zach sitting on a bench. Zach’s foot is bandaged. He picks at the bandage before looking up to see Susan approaching.

Susan: "Okay, please, please don’t run."
Zach: "I can’t. I hurt my foot."
Susan: "How?"
Zach: "I landed on it funny when I was running away from you. What do you want?"
Susan: "Just to talk to you."
Zach: "Why?"
Susan: "Because, I have a lot of things to say so you can just listen. I’ll buy you some food. When was the last time you ate?"

Restaurant

Zach is eating.

Zach: "My dad’s alive? Where is he?"
Susan: "I don’t know. He, he disappeared."
Zach: "But Mike did not kill him? He’s alive, you swear?"
Susan: "I swear."
Zach: "Maybe he went to Utah. I mean he used to have a life there. Before me. I don't know, I just need to get some money to find him."
Susan: "Zach, you know what I think? I think you should come back with me."
Zach: "Why?"
Susan: "Because there are still people at home who care about you and there’s things that you need to know."
Zach: "Like what?"
Susan: "Well, I can’t tell you. You know, you messed up a lot of people’s lives. You can’t run away from that."
Zach: "Do you mean Julie?"
Susan: "What?"
Zach: "I know that I messed up her life but I didn’t mean to. I really miss her out here. I think about her all the time."
Susan: "Yeah, well, Julie’s a really special girl."
Zach: "Has she said anything about me? Because if she has, then I might still have a chance with her. If I come back with you, then I could make it up to her."
Susan: "Do you know what I think? I think you were right. I think you should try to find your father first."
Zach: "Yeah?"
Susan: "Yeah. Now that you know he’s okay, you should go to him. He’ll want to take care of you. That’s what parents do. Let me help. How much money do you think you'll need to get to Utah?"

Susan opens her purse.

Lynette’s House - Nighttime

Lynette is lying in bed, awake. She gets up and goes into Parker’s room. He is sleeping and his umbrella has fallen to the floor. Lynette strokes Parker's head, then grabs the umbrella.

Outside Lynette’s House

Lynette goes to the trash can. She opens it and jams the umbrella inside.

Wisteria Lane – Daytime

The garbage truck is stopped in front of the Scavo house. The worker picks up the can containing the umbrella and dumps it inside the trash truck. He jumps on the side of the truck and it takes off. As it pulls away, the umbrella falls out of the truck, onto the street, and opens.

Lynette’s House

In the kitchen, Tom is reading the paper at the table while Lynette sorts through work papers. Parker runs downstairs.

Parker: "Daddy. I can’t find Mrs. Mulberry’s umbrella. Where is it?"
Tom: "Well, I don’t know, sport. Honey, have you seen the umbrella?"
Lynette: "No, can’t say that I have."
Tom: "Okay, listen, don’t worry about it. I’m sure Mrs. Mulberry is around here somewhere."
Lynette: "Or, uh, maybe she’s not. She could have left. You know. Maybe she had some other little boy that she needed to help."
Parker: "Like who?"
Lynette: "I don’t know. It could be a little boy in, uh, England named Spencer."
Tom: "Lynette?"
Lynette: "I mean this is conjecture on my part, but it is possible that someone like little Spencer needs Mrs. Mulberry more 'cause he doesn’t have a daddy and a mommy who love him. Yeah, that’s it. He’s an orphan with no hands. Okay?"

Parker nods.

Lynette: "You’re so sweet. Come here. I love you. You all right? Go get dressed."

Parker runs upstairs.

Tom: "What have you done to Mrs. Mulberry?"
Lynette: "Until there’s a body, there’s no evidence of a crime."

Later, Parker, Lynette, and Tom walk out the front door. Parker sees the open umbrella in the street.

Parker: "Mrs. Mulberry! She’s back."
Lynette: "Oh. Goodie!"
Parker: "Mrs. Mulberry’s back."

Just then, the garbage truck drives by and runs over the umbrella. Parker runs out to the crushed umbrella. He turns and grabs Lynette and cries on her.

Lynette: "Oh."
Parker: "She got run over. She’s dead."
Lynette: "Oh. Don’t you worry. I'm here."
Tom: "Maybe it’s okay, buddy. Maybe we can call nine-one-one."
Lynette: "No, Tom. She’s gone."

Swim Meet

Andrew is getting ready to race. He waves to Bree, sitting on the side. He sees George approaching Bree with a gift bag. Andrew watches as George finds Bree and sits next to her.

Announcer: "Swimmers, take your mark."
Bree: "George, what are you doing here?"
George: "Don’t worry Bree, I’ll be quick. I thought about what you said and you’re right. Andrew needs his space."
Bree: "Thank you, George."
George: "It’s best that I stay away and I completely understand if you want to change pharmacists, but I did want to give you a little goodbye gift."
Bree: "Oh."

A starter pistol fires and the swimmers begin racing.

Bree opens the box and pulls out a plate.

Bree: "George, it’s my pattern. Where did you find it?"
George: "I got lucky at an online auction."

Andrew, swimming in the race, is distracted as he watches Bree and George.

Bree: "I love it. Thank you."

Bree hugs George, who begins to kiss her neck. Bree tries to pull back.

Bree: "George."

Andrew stops swimming when he sees George kissing his mother. George looks over at Andrew.

Bree pushes against George.

Bree: "George. George. George!"

Andrew swims across the swimming lanes and climbs out of the pool. George and Bree see him.

Bree: "Andrew, what are you doing?"

Andrew jumps on George and begins punching him in the face.

Bree: "Andrew! Andrew!"

George stands up, trying to get away and Andrew jumps on his back.

George: "You crazy-"
Bree: "Stop it!"

The coach comes over and pulls Andrew off. Bree helps George into a chair.

Andrew: "Did you see it? He was kissing her!"
Bree (to George): "Oh my God. You’re bleeding"
Andrew: "That freak was kissing her!"
Coach: "I don’t care. You gotta calm down now!"

George looks over at Andrew with the hint of a smile on his face.

Bree’s House

In his room, Andrew is packing a suitcase. He places a picture of Rex in his bag as Bree watches.

"The world is filled with good fathers. How do we recognize them? They’re the ones who are missed so terribly that everything falls apart in their absence."

Fairview County Jail Conjugal Visit Trailer

Gabrielle is asleep and Carlos is watching her. He places a hand gently on her stomach.

"They’re the ones who love us, long before we’ve even arrived."

Wisteria Lane – Nighttime

Mike is walking his dog and finds a flyer of Zach on the ground.

"They’re the ones who come looking for us when we can’t find our way home."

Lynette’s House – Nighttime

Tom walks in the bedroom to find Lynette sobbing in bed.

Tom: "Hey, what’s wrong?"
Lynette: "Because of me, my son’s imaginary friend got crushed by a garbage truck. I am the worst person in the world."

Tom puts his arm around Lynette.

"Yes, the world is filled with good fathers."

Tom: "Honey, he is gonna get over this in no time. Trust me. And one day, when he is all grown up, you and Parker are gonna laugh hysterically about this."
Lynette: "You really think so? Really?"

"And the best are the ones who make the women in their lives…"

Tom: "I promise."

He kisses her forehead and hugs her.

"…feel like good mothers."

~ The End ~

This spoiler episode was compiled and completed on October 22, 2005 by Amanda (desperate_housewives at yahoo dot com) and Lucy.
Last Update: October 22, 2005

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