Ultimate Desperate Housewives

Episode 02.02 - "You Could Drive a Person Crazy"

Mary Alice: "The remarkable thing about Danny Farrell was that he had only been a paperboy for six months. And in that time, he had become the enemy of every woman on Wisteria Lane. If there was a puddle on someone's property, he found it. If a new rosebush had just been planted, he destroyed it. If a cat was enjoying a moment in the sun, he ended it. People wondered if Danny would ever change. They should have talked to Susan Mayer. She could have told them: obnoxious boys tend to become obnoxious men. Just like the one she had been married to. Yes, the women of Wisteria Lane believe Danny Farrell to be the enemy. They also believed the enemy of my enemy is my friend."

Karl: "Do we have to do this now? I haven't had my coffee yet."
Susan: "Did you spend the night with Edie? Oh, my god!"
Karl: "Susie, just calm down."
Susan: "You are forbidden from ever seeing her again. Do you hear me? Forbidden!"
Karl: "We're divorced. You can't tell me who I can date."
Susan: "I live on this street. Your daughter lives on this street. I will not have you flaunting your sexcapades in front of us."
Karl: "Sexcapades?"
Susan: "Forbidden!"
Karl: "I, I, I would love to continue this, but it's time for breakfast, and Edie is making me a Frittata."
Susan: "Well, I just bet she is!"

Mary Alice: "Beautiful lawns, spacious homes, happy families. These are the hallmarks of suburbia. But if you look beneath the veneer of gracious living...you will see a battle raging, a battle for control. You see the combatants everywhere, engaged in their routine skirmishes...fighting fiercely to have dominion over the world around them, all the while knowing...it's a battle they will lose."

Phyllis: "Do you wanna see me keel over?"
Bree: "No. In theory."

Gabrielle: "Why are all rich men jerks?"
Carlos: "Same reason all beautiful women are bitches. So, same time tomorrow?"
Gabrielle: "Sure, baby."

Susan: "What? How could you not tell me that? We share everything. That's what we're known for. That's our thing."
Julie: "Because I knew you'd wig out. Besides, haven't you always told me to respect people's privacy?"
Susan: "Oh, I've never applied that concept to your father's sex life and you know it."

Julie: "He asked her out."
Susan: "You lie."
Julie: "It's true. He called her for a date six months ago. The day after my birthday party."
Susan: "The one at the piano bar?"
Julie: "Yeah. What is it?"
Susan: "Oh, um, your father just came over that day and told me some stuff. You know, some stuff that I haven't and can't tell you."
Julie: "Wait. Whatever happened to we share everything? Isn't that our thing, what we're known for?"
Susan: "Um, actually, I think what we're known for is sharing clothes. Yeah. I think that's our thing."

Betty: "You know we don’t talk to him. That's part of his punishment."
Matthew: "How can you just sit here hour after hour and listen to that?"
Betty: "Well, that's part of mine."

Carlos: "There's this guy, his name's Richie, and he's been saying some stuff to me, and I'm getting worried."
Gabrielle: "Honey, you and your macho pride. Just tell him you're flattered, but you don't swing that way."

Gabrielle: "If we give in to extortion, the guy's just gonna keep coming back for more money."
Carlos: "What choice do I have?"
Gabrielle: "You're a strong guy. You went to college on an athletic scholarship, for God sakes!"
Carlos: "Yeah, it was for golf!"
Gabrielle: "Oh."

Susan: "I'm thinking we should keep it casual."
Mike: "Casual. What the hell does that mean, exactly, um, casual?"
Susan: "Uh, well, I, I don't, I don't think there's anything wrong with us seeing a movie once in awhile."
Mike: "Movie. Okay. Is that it?"
Susan: "Jogging? There's no law against jogging."
Mike: "Anything else?"
Susan: "Shopping. That's casual. That's fun."
Mike: "Anything else we can do? Anything at all?"
Susan: "Mmm, brunch. Brunch would be nice."

Phyllis: "Are you saying that I am too emotional?"
Bree: "I'm saying that even Italians take a break now and again."

Rita: "This might seem kind of weird, but what do you think of my breasts?"
Gabrielle: "Excuse me?"
Rita: "I mean, how do they look to you?"
Gabrielle: "Uh, they're, they're nice."
Rita: "Thank you. I like 'em, too."
Gabrielle: "You're right. That was weird."

Edie: "Karl said that you know all about our dirty little secret."
Susan: "Yes, yes, I do."
Edie: "Well, I feel awful. I should have told you that I was doing your ex. Well, it would've been the classy thing to do."
Susan: "Well, etiquette is a lost art for a lot of people."
Edie: "Oh, you've gotta believe me, I never, ever thought anything would happen with us. But on our first date, Karl took me to a Mexican restaurant. You know what I get like when I drink tequila. A couple of shooters and my bra unhooks itself."
Susan: "Circumstances beyond your control. I get it. So if you'll excuse me."
Edie: "Hey. Hey, hey. I am offering you an opportunity here. I mean, go ahead, vent. Let me have it. Come on, tell me what a bitch I am. Yeah, for snacking on your leftovers. I deserve it. Come on, bring it on."
Susan: "Honestly, Edie, I don't mind. You can skate off into the sunset with Karl. Be my guest."
Edie: "Well, that's good to know. You know, I probably shouldn't tell you this, but, while we were in my Jacuzzi last night, Karl said it was the best sex he's ever had, bar none."
Susan: "Actually, I'm glad that you shared that, because here's a tidbit for you. Karl said he's still in love with me."

Susan: "Are you in love with her?"
Karl: "I don't know. But I can promise you this much: I have never loved another woman the way I loved you."
Susan: "You walked out on me."
Karl: "Yeah, but look how far I got. I'm just up the street."

Lynette: "Hey. Little guy. I just wanted to say I'm really sorry about what happened with the shovel. Neither one of us saw that coming. I know it's not much consolation, but you really helped my marriage. That's a lot for a little rat to accomplish in one lifetime. Well, it's getting late, so, hats off to ya!"

Mary Alice: "Control. It's extraordinary the tactics people employ to obtain it. Some rely on deception. While others engage in outright trickery. Then there are those who resort to extortion. Why do we fight so hard for control? Because we know to lose it is to put our fate in the hands of others. And what could be more dangerous?"