Ultimate Desperate Housewives

Episode 02.01 - "Next"

Mary Alice: "It was an accepted fact among the residents of Wisteria Lane that Ida Greenberg liked her liquor. People had seen her drunk at sewing bees, The Department of Motor Vehicles, and the first Methodist church. Ida had tried to quit drinking many times, but she couldn't. Then one night in a moment of despair, she challenged God to quench her never-ending thirst. Luckily for Ida, God was listening."

Mary Alice: "It was at that moment it occurred to Ida, God may work in mysterious ways, but he isn't particularly subtle."

Gabrielle: "Do you have any idea what you've done? That little stunt you pulled yesterday in the courtroom could get Carlos sent away for eight years!"
John: "Yeah, I thought you might be a little mad about that. But once you calm down, you'll see that it's just the two of us. It's gonna be awesome."

John: "So what, you don't love me?"
Gabrielle: "Well, up until the point that you told my husband we were having an affair, I was quite fond of you. Since then, not a fan!"

Lynette: "Oh, I have a thousand things to do before that. Borrow a decent scarf from Bree, buy a lipstick I don't hate."
Lynette: "I love you, I love your finger painting, but if you touch me with those messy hands, I will cut them off."

Bree: "Lynette, hi, it's Bree. I do hope I’m not calling too early. Hmm? Oh, of course you can borrow that scarf. I'll press it for you. Um, I have, uh, some news. Rex died."

Phyllis: "I even kept the dirty magazine that he hid under his mattress. He didn't think I knew about it, but I did."
Andrew: "Well, looks like dad was into big breasts."
Phyllis: "Oh, yes. That's why I was surprised when he married your mother."

Gabrielle: "So you're just not gonna talk to me, is that it? Fine. I don't need to talk. Okay. Yes, I had a little affair. It wasn't the best thing to do, and I'm not proud of it. But it's not the worst thing that could have happened. Nobody died. Oh, don't be such a martyr, Carlos. Okay, it takes two people. How many times did you go off on your little business trips and leave me alone? See, so technically, you cheated, too. It's just your mistress was your work."

Gabrielle: "No, okay. That was a stretch. I'm sorry. Carlos, wait! Come back. Look, I wanna start over. We're gonna have a baby. Isn't that what you always wanted? Carlos, wait! I said I was sorry and I love you! What more do you want?"
Carlos: "I want a paternity test."

Susan: "Tomorrow at school, I want you to let everybody know that we got this new, expensive security system."
Julie: "Mom."
Susan: "Just work it into the conversation. You know, put the word out there."
Julie: "I've gotta tell you something."
Susan: "Emphasize the motion detectors."

Gabrielle: "Hi, uh, I need a paternity test."
Receptionist: "Well, we'll just schedule you for an exam."
Gabrielle: "Oh, no, no. I don't need to take a test. I am just trying to reassure my husband of what I know is true in my heart. So if you could just slip me someone else's test results, I could make my own. I got Photoshop for Christmas. Oh, come on. You look like a fun-loving girl. I am sure you've been in a couple hairy situations of your own."
Receptionist: "Just because I choose to express myself doesn't mean that I condone adultery. Sorry."

Gabrielle: "Paternity test results? I know. I'm in the same situation."
Woman: "Really?"
Gabrielle: "Mm-hmm."
Woman: "I just found out the clinic screwed up and gave me an egg that belonged to some lesbian. It was supposed to implanted in her lover, and now my husband's freaking out because he thinks that our baby's gonna be gay!"
Gabrielle: "Okay. We're in slightly different situations."

Bree: "Phyllis, is there something you'd like to say?"
Phyllis: "You made the last years of Rex's life miserable and now he's dead and he'll never have another chance at happiness."
Bree: "You are no longer invited to the funeral."
Phyllis: "What?"
Reverend: "You're not serious?"
Bree: "Oh, yes, I am. I am going to hire security, and those security men are going to have sticks and if you so much as set foot in that sanctuary, they will be instructed to beat you with those sticks"
Reverend: "Bree, this is your grief talking."
Bree: "Reverend, if you don't back me up on this, so help me, I will pull the funeral out of your church."
Reverend: "Bree!"
Bree: "I am not kidding. I will go nondenominational so fast, it will make your head spin."

Edie: "Susan! I heard what happened with Zach. How are you doing?"
Susan: "Fine. Is Mike here?"
Edie: "Inside. Jeez. You must have been terrified. I mean, he put poor Felicia in the hospital. Did he pistol whip you?"
Susan: "No."
Edie: "Oh, come on. You can tell me. Did he slap you around?"
Susan: "No."
Edie: "Well, don't get me wrong. I'm, I'm thrilled that you're okay. It's just that when someone holds someone else hostage, they usually rough 'em up a little."
Susan: "It wasn't like that."
Edie: "Oh. Not even a little kicking?"
Susan: "Edie!"

Andrew: "Mom, Grandma's leaving, all right? You have to talk to her."
Bree: "No, I don't. If you heard the things that she said to me-"
Andrew: "Look, I'm sure she was a real bitch, okay? But she's family. That makes her our bitch."

Gabrielle: "Here it is in black and white. It's your kid. What? Why aren't you smiling?"
Carlos: "It's not enough."
Gabrielle: "What, you want a father's day card?"
Carlos: "You knew the one thing that I demanded was fidelity, and you still went out and screwed around behind my back."
Gabrielle: "You knew the one thing I didn't want was a child, and you still tricked me into getting pregnant!"
Carlos: "It's not the same thing."
Gabrielle: "Damn straight. What you did was worse."
Carlos: "We're not very nice people, are we?"
Gabrielle: "No, we're not."
Carlos: "Oh, when we got married, I thought we were gonna be so happy."
Gabrielle: "Me too. Look on the bright side. At least we're still rich."
Carlos: "Thank god for that."

Bree: "Give me your tie."
Tom: "What?"
Bree: "Give me your tie!"
Lynette: "Give it to her! Give it to her!"

Mary Alice: It had been one year since my suicide and a lot had changed on Wisteria Lane. There were new flowers, new houses and new neighbors, the kind anyone would want living right next door.