This was typed by Lucy, Andrea, and Amanda, mere humans, and mistakes are possible. If you find any, no matter how trivial, please let me know. (desperate_housewives at yahoo dot com)

In the interest of finishing the transcripts faster, screen caps will no longer be placed on the transcripts. You can find screen caps at the following websites:
Desperate Housewives
Wisteria Lane
The Suburbs

If you know of any other screen caps sites, please e-mail them to me: (desperate_housewives at yahoo dot com)

Guest stars
"Andrew Van de Kamp" - Shawn Pyfrom
"Danielle Van de Kamp" - Joy Lauren
"Matthew Applewhite" - Mehcad Brooks
"Preston Scavo" - Brent Kinsman
"Porter Scavo" - Shane Kinsman
"Parker Scavo" - Zane Huett
"John Rowland" - Jesse Metcalf
"Nina Fletcher" - Joely Fisher
"Ed Ferrara" - Currie Graham
"Officer Romslo" - Andy Umberger
"Reverend Sikes" - Dakin Matthews
"Phyllis Van de Kamp" - Shirley Knight
"Stu" - Charlie Babcock
"Receptionist" - Nikki Braendlin
"Ida Greenberg" - Pat Crawford Brown
"Haggard Woman" - Stacy Solodkin

Written by: Jenna Bans & Kevin Murphy
Directed by: Larry Shaw

Wisteria Lane – Nighttime

Ida Greenberg comes out her front door holding a paper bag with a bottle hidden inside.

"It was an accepted fact among the residents of Wisteria Lane that Ida Greenberg liked her liquor."

She looks around to see if anyone is looking then drinks from the bottle.

"People had seen her drunk at sewing bees..."

Bree sitting on a couch with various neighbors, Ida included. She hiccups.

"...the Department of Motor Vehicles..."

Lynette standing in line at the DMV. Ida is one person ahead of her. She hiccups.

"...and the first Methodist church."

Edie Britt is sitting in a church pew behind Ida, who burps.

"Ida had tried to quit drinking many times, but she couldn't."

Ida staggers down the street, holding the bottle. She looks up to the sky.

"Then one night in a moment of despair, she challenged God to quench her never-ending thirst."

Ida drinks from the bottle as Mike Delfino’s truck comes around the corner.

"Luckily for Ida, God was listening."

Mike pulls his truck into his driveway. He gets out and opens the front door.

Mike’s House

Mike enters his house and sees Zach standing there, holding a gun. Susan is sitting at the kitchen table. Bongo, Mike’s dog, begins whining, barking and growling. Zach slowly raises the gun at Mike.

Mike: "Zach, listen to me."

Zach pulls the hammer of the gun back. Susan leaps out of her chair and rushes toward Zach.

Susan: "No!"

Susan knocks Zach over and the gun goes flying. Mike pulls Zach off Susan and pushes him to the wall. Susan rolls away and picks up the gun. She points it toward where Zach is.

Susan: "Not so tough now, are you?"

Bongo continues barking. He runs at Susan and bites her pant leg. He pulls on her jeans.

Susan: "Uh! Ow! Oh! Bongo, no! Bongo! Bongo! Oh!"

Mike turns and sees Bongo biting Susan. He rushes toward Susan and lets Zach go.

Mike: "Bongo, no!"

Mike pulls Bongo off Susan. Susan falls into the chair and the gun she is holding goes off.

Wisteria Lane - Nighttime

Ida is holding the bottle. The bullet hits the bottle Ida is holding and shatters. Ida stands there holding the broken bottle.

Mike’s House

In the confusion, Zach runs out of Mike’s house and down the street.

Wisteria Lane - Nighttime

Ida looks down at the broken bottle then up to the sky.

"It was at that moment it occurred to Ida, God may work in mysterious ways, but he isn't particularly subtle."

Opening Credits

Wisteria Lane – Daytime

Inside Mary Alice Young’s house, a picture of her sits on a table, with spiderwebs on it.

"It had been a year since my death, and a lot had changed on Wisteria Lane. Children had learned new games."

Outside young boys shout and play ball.

"New neighbors had moved in."

Mrs. Applewhite and her son, Matthew, are in their front yard taking down the real estate signs.

"Old houses had been rebuilt..."

Edie Britt’s house in construction looks almost completed. Edie is outside directing the workman.

Edie: "I told you guys twice. Okay, Craig, what's going on? Let’s see."

"And fresh tragedies had occurred. In one house, a widow was getting ready to tell her friends of her husband's passing."

Bree’s House

Bree is sitting at the dining room table. In front of her is a small framed painting of her and Rex on their wedding day. Her hand rests patiently on the cordless phone, watching the clock which read 5 minutes to 9:00.

"But until the time was right, she would wait. And life, as it tends to do, would go on."

Bree continues to watch the seconds tick by on the clock.

Hospital Room

Susan is in a hospital gown with cotton in her mouth and swollen lips.

Susan: "I look like hell. I need a hairbrush."

Julie approaches and lightly fluffs her mom’s pillow.

Julie: "Yeah, um, that's not gonna help."

Mike and a police officer enter the room.

Mike: "Susan, Officer Romslo is here for your statement."

The officer looks at Susan’s swollen lips.

Officer Romslo Romslo: "Zach Young do that?"
Mike: "No. Uh, she fell. Bit her lip. It was an accident."
Officer Romslo: "Okay. So, uh, walk me through what happened."
Susan (mumbling): "Well, I went over Mike's to feed the dog."
Officer Romslo: "I'm sorry?"
Julie: "Feed the dog."

Susan removes the bloody cotton from her mouth.

Susan: "Uh, and I turned around, and there was Zach Young - and that's Zach with an "h" - pointing a gun at me."

Julie points to the cotton.

Julie: "The doctor said keep that in."

Susan puts the cotton back in her mouth.

Susan: "Ouch."
Mike: "You gotta understand, Zach's had a tough time. He's got emotional issues—"
Susan: "Yeah, he's crazy!"
Mike: "Still, I don't think he meant to hurt anybody."
Susan: "Uh, hello! Uh, he was waiting there for you to come home so he could kill you."
Officer Romslo: "Is that what happened when you got home? The kid took a shot at you?"
Mike: "Actually, Susan fired the gun."

Susan spits out the cotton.

Susan: "Okay, that's because I was wrestling it away from Zach so that he wouldn't shoot you."

The officer stares at Susan as her mouth begins to bleed again.

Susan: "Oh, God! Oh, there's blood."
Julie: "Could we do this later? She's kind of a mess right now."
Susan: "Yeah."
Mike: "Yeah, I think I can fill in the rest for you."
Officer Romslo: "I'd appreciate it. You feel better, Mrs. Mayer."
Susan: "Thanks."

Officer Romslo and Mike leave the room.

Susan: "Ow! That hurts."
Julie: "I'm gonna get you more ice. "
Susan: "Okay."

Hospital Hallway

Julie comes out of the room and sees Mike and the officer talking. They don’t see her.

Mike: "No, I'm telling you. Susan really flew off the handle when she jumped the kid."

Julie looks shocked.

Officer Romslo: "So you're saying this was more of a domestic squabble?"
Mike: "Definitely, yeah. Are we required to press charges?"
Officer Romslo: "Well, you're not really required, but it's something you should really consider when a handgun is involved."

They walk out of Julie’s hearing. Julie stares after them, then goes to get ice. The clock on the wall reads 4 minutes to 9:00.

Gabrielle’s House

Gabrielle gets out of the shower and wraps a towel around herself. She looks on the floor and sees rose petals strewn all over the floor. She follows the petals into her bedroom and finds John laying on her bed, in his boxer shorts, drinking from a champagne flute.

Gabrielle: "John! How did you get in here?"
John: "I know where you keep the key. Mimosa?"
Gabrielle: "No, I'm pregnant, you jackass!"
John: "I made yours with seltzer."
Gabrielle: "Do you have any idea what you've done? That little stunt you pulled yesterday in the courtroom could get Carlos sent away for eight years!"
John: "Yeah, I thought you might be a little mad about that. But once you calm down, you'll see that it's just the two of us. It's gonna be awesome."

Gabrielle sees John's duffle bag on the floor.

Gabrielle: "You brought luggage?"

Gabrielle, still wrapped in a towel, carries the bag down the stairs. John follows her to the front door.

John: "He's gone. We don't have to sneak around anymore. We can have a real relationship. It's what's best for the three of us."
Gabrielle: "The three of us? How exactly does that benefit Carlos?"
John: "I'm talking about my baby."
Gabrielle: "You don't know it's your baby. I don't even know it's your baby. And I don't wanna know 'cause it doesn't matter!"

Gabrielle opens the front door and throws John’s bag outside, grunting.

John: "So what, you don't love me?"
Gabrielle: "Well, up until the point that you told my husband we were having an affair, I was quite fond of you. Since then, not a fan!"

Gabrielle shoves John outside and slams the door. The clock shows 2 minutes to 9:00.

Lynette’s House

Lynette comes running downstairs, dressed professionally, with a briefcase in her hand.

Lynette: "Hey!"
Tom: "Hey."

The kids are sitting in the living room, finger painting.

Lynette: "Oh, why on earth would you let them finger paint before breakfast?"
Tom: "It's my job to clean that up now, so it's my call, right?"

Lynette pours herself coffee.

Lynette: "You're right. I'm sorry."
Tom: "Hey, I thought the meeting wasn't until one."
Lynette: "Oh, I have a thousand things to do before that. Borrow a decent scarf from Bree, buy a lipstick I don't hate."

Parker runs up to Lynette, holding a picture. His hands are covered in finger paint.

Parker: "Mommy, Mommy, look!"

Lynette quickly backs away.

Lynette: "Aah! No! No! No, nobody touches Mommy, okay? I love you, I love your finger painting, but if you touch me with those messy hands, I will cut them off."

Lynette places her fingertip on Parker’s head and turns him away from her.

Lynette: "Go on. Off. Good."
Tom: "It's okay. A little nervous?"
Lynette: "Who, me? I've been out of work for seven years, I'm a woman of a certain age in a business that values youth above all else. Why should I be nervous?"
Tom: "You are experienced. You are brilliant. You are going to nail this job interview, okay?"
Lynette: "Thank you."

Tom approaches her and leans in for a kiss.

Lynette: "Uh, no. I can't. You're very, so..."
Tom: "Yeah."
Lynette: "Thank you. Here."

Lynette leans over and carefully kisses Tom on the lips.

Lynette: "Oh, my cell phone."

The clock on the counter shows 1 minute to 9:00.

Bree’s House

Bree is sitting with her hand on the cordless phone, tapping it as she watches the seconds tick to 9:00. The clock chimes 9:00 a.m. Bree picks up the phone and dials.

Bree: "Lynette, hi, it's Bree. I do hope I’m not calling too early. Hmm? Oh, of course you can borrow that scarf. I'll press it for you. Um, I have, uh, some news. Rex died."

Gabrielle’s Front Porch

Susan, holding an ice bag on her mouth, sits with Lynette and Gabrielle.

Susan: "I thought they were gonna operate. What happened?"
Lynette: "Apparently Rex's heart just gave out."
Susan: "Oh, my god. So when can we see Bree?"
Lynette: "She said she was gonna call. She's got a lot of things to do, planning for the funeral, that sort of thing."
Gabrielle: "She doesn't look that busy to me."

They all turn and see Bree standing by her trash can in the driveway, holding a carton of milk. They walk up to her.

Lynette: "Hi. What are you doing out here?"
Bree: "Oh, I'm just waiting for, uh, Rex's mother. She's gonna be here any second. "
Gabrielle: "Honey, we are so sorry."
Bree: "Oh, do one of you drink soy milk? I was cleaning out the fridge this morning, and Rex is the only one who drinks it. I just bought it on Friday. I'd hate to throw it away."

Lynette, Susan and Gabrielle shake their heads no.

Bree: "What a waste."

Bree puts the milk into the trash can.

Lynette: "Aw, sweetie."
Susan: "Honey, you can let it out."
Bree: "No. No, I can't afford to fall apart right now."
Susan: "Why?"
Bree: "You're about to find out."

A taxi comes squealing around the corner. A woman is sticking her head out the back window, shouting.

Phyllis: "Bree! Oh, stop here. This is the house."
Susan: "Is that…?"
Bree: "Yes, that is Rex's mother."

The woman sobs as she climbs out of the cab and staggers over to where the women are standing.

Phyllis: "I can't believe it. It's like some hideous nightmare. My life is over! My life is over!"

She clings to Bree.

Bree pats her on the back and the ladies stare at Rex’s mother.

Advertising Agency

A young man carries a plate of food into the office where Lynette is sitting with an interviewer, Nina Fletcher. Phones ring in the background.

Nina: "It appears there's a seven-year gap since your last position. What, did you take some time off?"
Lynette: "I was a stay-at-home mom. I wish it had taken time off."
Nina: "Boy or girl?"
Lynette: "A girl. And three boys."
Nina: "Four kids?"
Lynette: "Yeah, of course, they won't get in the way of the job because my husband's staying home with them from now on."
Nina: "I knew I could never do both jobs justice. That's why I chose not to have a family. I didn't want to be one of those kind of women. You know, sloughing things off onto coworkers because of a pediatrician appointment or a dance recital. I get really neurotic about putting people out."
Lynette: "With all due respect, Nina, won't be an issue. I can leave home at home."
Nina: "And it's not gonna break your heart to leave those sad little faces behind?"
Lynette: "Are you kidding? This office is paradise. Grown-ups talking about grown-up things. No screaming, no vomiting, no boogers under the table. You're gonna have to drag me outta here kicking and screaming - weekends, holidays, whenever."
Nina: "All right, Ed wants to make the final decision. So I will bring you back tomorrow at three for a follow-up."
Lynette: "Well, that, that sounds great. Thank you."
Nina: "Lynette, be early. Show me something."
Lynette: "Okay."

Bree’s House

Danielle is helping her grandmother unpack her suitcase. Andrew is sitting at the table. Danielle picks up a teddy bear from the suitcase.

Danielle: "No way. Dad did not have a teddy bear."
Phyllis: "He most certainly did. Oh, that was Doolittle. Your father never went anywhere without him."

Bree walks into the room carrying a tea tray.

Bree: "Here's your tea, Phyllis."
Phyllis: "Oh. [picks up an orange tie from the suitcase] Oh! Look, Bree. This was the tie that Rex wore when he graduated from prep school. I think he should wear it. You know, for the funeral?"
Bree: "Phyllis, that's an orange tie."
Phyllis: "Well, those were his school colors: green and orange."
Bree: "Well, um, he's being buried in a blue suit."

Andrew gets up and walks to the suitcase.

Phyllis: "Maybe he could be buried in a different suit."
Bree: "I don't think so, but thank you, though."
Andrew: "You, uh, you kept dad's old comic books?"
Phyllis: "Oh, yes, I kept everything. Look here. I even kept the dirty magazine that he hid under his mattress. He didn't think I knew about it, but I did."
Andrew: "Well, looks like dad was into big breasts."
Phyllis: "Oh, yes. That's why I was surprised when he married your mother."

Bree stares at Phyllis. Phyllis meets Bree's eyes and Bree smiles.

Jail Visiting Room

Carlos sits back in his chair, not talking to Gabrielle sitting across from him.

Gabrielle: "So you're just not gonna talk to me, is that it? Fine. I don't need to talk. Okay. Yes, I had a little affair. It wasn't the best thing to do, and I'm not proud of it. But it's not the worst thing that could have happened. Nobody died. Oh, don't be such a martyr, Carlos. Okay, it takes two people. How many times did you go off on your little business trips and leave me alone? See, so technically, you cheated, too. It's just your mistress was your work."

Carlos stands up from the table and starts to walk away.

Gabrielle: "No, okay. That was a stretch. I'm sorry. Carlos, wait! Come back. Look, I wanna start over. We're gonna have a baby. Isn't that what you always wanted? Carlos, wait! I said I was sorry and I love you! What more do you want?"
Carlos: "I want a paternity test."

Betty’s House

Betty Applewhite is sweeping her front porch as Bree and Danielle approach. Bree is holding a basket of cookies.

Bree: "Mrs. Applewhite, hi. I am Bree Van de Kamp, and this is my daughter Danielle."
Betty: "Hello."
Danielle: "Hi."
Matthew: "Hey, I'm Matthew."
Betty: "This is my son."
Bree: "Hi. I would have been over sooner to introduce myself, but I'm afraid there's been a death in my family."
Danielle: "My dad."
Betty: "I’m so sorry."
Matthew: "I lost my dad, too. I know what you must be going through right now."
Danielle: "Thank you."
Bree: "Anyway, I'm afraid that my visit has an ulterior motive. The organist at our church is on vacation, and Edie Britt mentioned that you used to be a concert pianist, and - "
Betty: "I would be honored to play for you. Why don't I bring some sheet music over later and we can plan some selections?"
Bree: "Thank you. That's just a huge weight off my shoulders. [She hands the cookies to Betty] Oh, these are for you."
Betty: "How sweet. Bree, we widows have to stick together."
Bree: "Bye."

Bree and Danielle leave.

Betty: "Pretending your father's dead? Don't you find that a little morbid?"
Matthew: "Well, I just thought it could help our cover story, okay? Just, you know, win 'em over."
Betty: "Oh, sweetie. I know you meant well. But in the future, you leave the cleverness to me."

Betty walks into the house, carrying the cookies.

Susan’s Front Yard

Susan is pounding a security sign into the grass as Julie approaches.

Julie: "Since when are we protected by Dorset security?"
Susan: "We're not. It's a deterrent in case Zach comes back. I told Mike I didn't sleep last night, so he got me this sign. That guy is so supportive. You know he's out right now in a ride-along with the police searching for Zach?"
Julie: "Really?"
Susan: "Yeah. He's determined to see that kid behind bars. So tomorrow at school, I want you to let everybody know that we got this new, expensive security system."
Julie: "Mom."
Susan: "Just work it into the conversation. You know, put the word out there."
Julie: "I've gotta tell you something."
Susan: "Emphasize the motion detectors."
Julie: "Mom, stop, stop. Listen."
Susan: "What? What is it?"
Julie: "Yesterday I overheard Mike telling that cop that he didn't wanna press charges against Zach. He made the whole thing sound like it was your fault."
Susan: "My fault?"

Hospital

Gabrielle enters the Prenatal and Neonatal Care Department and approaches the desk. A young lady with multi-colored hair and various face piercings is sitting behind the desk, reading.

Gabrielle: "Hi, uh, I need a paternity test."
Receptionist: "Well, we'll just schedule you for an exam."
Gabrielle: "Oh, no, no. I don't need to take a test. I am just trying to reassure my husband of what I know is true in my heart. So if you could just slip me someone else's test results, I could make my own. I got Photoshop for Christmas. Oh, come on. You look like a fun-loving girl. I am sure you've been in a couple hairy situations of your own."
Receptionist: "Just because I choose to express myself doesn't mean that I condone adultery. Sorry."

Gabrielle: "Paternity test results? I know. I'm in the same situation."
Woman: "Really?"
Gabrielle: "Mm-hmm."
Woman: "I just found out the clinic screwed up and gave me an egg that belonged to some lesbian. It was supposed to implanted in her lover, and now my husband's freaking out because he thinks that our baby's gonna be gay!"
Gabrielle: "Okay. We're in slightly different situations. But do you wanna get a cup of coffee and talk about it?"
Woman: "Yeah. That'd be nice. Thanks."
Gabrielle: "Yeah. Us girls have to stick together. We shouldn't let a stupid piece of paper ruin our life."

Gabrielle pulls the paper from the woman's hands.

Woman: "Yeah!"

The woman gets up and walks off. Gabrielle follows, folding the paper neatly.

Bree’s Living Room

The Reverend, Bree, and Phyllis are sitting. Phyllis takes sheets of paper out of her purse and writes things down.

Reverend: "Obviously, I've known Rex for years, but when it comes to writing a eulogy, I like as much input from the family as possible."
Bree: "Oh. Well, um, what kind of input?"
Phyllis: "Oh, he means anecdotes, little stories. Isn't that what you mean, Reverend?"
Reverend: "Well, yes, but, uh, also-"
Phyllis: "I thought that you might need some help, so last night I stayed up all night and tried to remember funny things and moments that said so much about Rex as a person."
Reverend: "My. How, how many pages do you have there?"
Phyllis: "Fifteen."

Phyllis stands to hand the Reverend the sheets. Bree reaches over and grabs them from Phyllis’ hand. They all sit down. Bree begins reading the sheets.

Phyllis: "Well, you're hardly going to have to write anything at all, Reverend. Some of those anecdotes are just priceless."
Bree: "Phyllis, these are all things that happened to Rex before he went to college."
Phyllis: "So?"
Bree: "Well, don't you think it'd be nice if Reverend devoted part of the eulogy to his life after he was married?"
Phyllis: "Oh, well, yes, of course. The Reverend will mention that part of his life."
Bree: "He's going to do more than mention it. That's the part he'll focus on. In fact, I think three anecdotes from Rex's childhood is more than enough."

She hands the Reverend several of the sheets.

Reverend: "Um, that, that seems fair."
Phyllis: "Well, whatever you think is appropriate."
Reverend: "Fine."
Phyllis: "I just thought if we were going to focus on a time in Rex's life, that we might as well focus on the happiest time."
Reverend: "Let's talk flowers. Now I know lilies are traditional, but I think I can get you a deal on some white roses."
Bree: "Reverend, if you don't call her on that incredibly insensitive comment, I'm gonna lose it."
Reverend: "I'm sure she didn't mean it the way it sounded."
Phyllis: "I knew exactly what I was saying."
Reverend: "Ladies!"
Bree: "The happiest time in Rex's life was not his childhood. He loved being a husband and he loved being a father."
Phyllis: "He may have loved being a father, but your marriage was a disaster."
Bree: "Phyllis, is there something you'd like to say?"
Phyllis: "You made the last years of Rex's life miserable and now he's dead and he'll never have another chance at happiness."
Bree: "You are no longer invited to the funeral."
Phyllis: "What?"
Reverend: "You're not serious?"
Bree: "Oh, yes, I am. I am going to hire security, and those security men are going to have sticks and if you so much as set foot in that sanctuary, they will be instructed to beat you with those sticks"
Reverend: "Bree, this is your grief talking."
Bree: "Reverend, if you don't back me up on this, so help me, I will pull the funeral out of your church."
Reverend: "Bree!"
Bree: "I am not kidding. I will go nondenominational so fast, it will make your head spin."

Bree smiles at Phyllis and walks out of the room.

Edie’s Construction Site

Edie is drinking coffee as Susan approaches.

Edie: "Ugh. [she throws the cup away] Susan! I heard what happened with Zach. How are you doing?"
Susan: "Fine. Is Mike here?"
Edie: "Inside. Jeez. You must have been terrified. I mean, he put poor Felicia in the hospital. Did he pistol whip you?"
Susan: "No."
Edie: "Oh, come on. You can tell me. Did he slap you around?"
Susan: "No."
Edie: "Well, don't get me wrong. I'm, I'm thrilled that you're okay. It's just that when someone holds someone else hostage, they usually rough 'em up a little."
Susan: "It wasn't like that."
Edie: "Oh. Not even a little kicking?"
Susan: "Edie!"

Edie walks toward the house and passes Mike coming out.

Edie: "Someone to see you."
Mike: "Well, hey, how's it goin'?"
Susan: "Good. There's a rumor going around that you don't wanna press charges against Zach. Is that true?"
Mike: "Yeah."
Susan: "Wow. Um, I find that confusing."
Mike: "Look, if we make a big deal out of this, he could end up going to prison."
Susan: "He held a gun to my face, so I'm thinking, good."
Mike: "I've been to prison. He couldn't handle it."
Susan: "Who cares?"
Mike: "I care."
Susan: "Well, you should care more about me. I'm your girlfriend. We're moving in together. He's just a neighbor. You don't even know Zach."
Mike: "I know enough about him to know that deep down, he's a good kid."
Susan: "Mike, he wanted to kill you."
Mike: "But he didn't."
Susan: "You never asked me why Zach wanted to shoot you. Aren't you curious?"
Mike: "Does it matter?"
Susan: "Zach said you kidnapped his father so you could kill him."
Mike: "I didn't kill Paul Young."
Susan: "I didn't think you did. Now tell me why Zach does."
Mike: "I found some evidence that suggested that Paul murdered Deirdre. Sixteen years ago, Deirdre had a baby, and Paul and Mary Alice Young kidnapped him and raised him as their own. Deirdre tracked him down here to Wisteria Lane and demanded her baby back."
Susan: "So Paul killed her?"
Mike: "Actually, it was Mary Alice."
Susan: "Oh, my God."

Edie comes out of the house and hands Mike his cell phone.

Edie: "Mike? I answered your phone. It’s the police."
Mike: "Yeah. Delfino. You did? Okay, I can be there in 20 minutes. [he hangs up] Zach's dead. They want me to come identify the body."

Morgue

Mike and Susan approach a covered body.

Officer Romslo: "Thanks for coming down. Since the kid's father is missing, we didn't know who else to call. So, you folks ready?"

Mike nods. A medical examiner lifts the covering over the body. A blond teenager with spiked hair lies on the table. Mike walks away from the table.

Susan: "That's not Zach."
Officer Romslo: "You're sure?"
Susan: "He had a gun in my face for six hours. I know what he looks like."

Susan: "Can you give us a minute?"
Officer Romslo: "Sure."

Susan walks over to Mike.

Susan: "Zach is your son, isn't he?"
Mike: "Yeah. I'm pretty sure."
Susan: "How long have you known?"
Mike: "Paul Young told me. Deirdre got pregnant before I went to jail and, um, told me she had an abortion. Guess she lied."
Susan: "I see."
Mike: "When I took Paul out to the desert, and I was so angry, I just wanted to hurt him the way they hurt Deirdre. But then when he told me that he and Mary Alice had taken care of Deirdre's baby, my baby, that rage just went away. Kept me from doing something really stupid."
Susan: "Wow. I'm gonna take a cab home, okay?"

Susan leaves.

Bree’s House

Bree is cleaning the kitchen counter.

Andrew: "Mom, Grandma's leaving, all right? You have to talk to her."
Bree: "No, I don't. If you heard the things that she said to me-"
Andrew: "Look, I'm sure she was a real bitch, okay? But she's family. That makes her our bitch. Let her say good-bye to dad."
Bree: "She went out of her way to be cruel to me. I don't want her at the funeral."
Danielle (crying): "Mom, if you don't let Grandma come, I will never forgive you."
Andrew: "Did I ask for your help? You know dad would want her there."

Bree removes her cleaning gloves and walks into the front hall where Phyllis is standing by her bags.

Bree: "It's true Rex and I did not have the perfect marriage, but for eighteen years I tried my very best, and for that I am entitled to your respect."
Phyllis: "Of course you are. Of course I respect you."
Bree: "Well, then why did you say those things to me?"
Phyllis: "I guess I thought it would be easier to be angry at you than to be angry with Rex. I mean, what was he thinking, leaving me?"

She begins to cry and Bree hugs her.

Bree: "I do want you to come to the funeral."
Phyllis: "Oh, you don't know what that means to me, Bree. Thank you."

She begins walking up the stairs, then stops and turns back to Bree.

Phyllis: "Someone should get my luggage."

Lynette’s House

Lynette is in a black suit carrying her briefcase and Penny.

Lynette: "Okay, let's get outta here. Tom?"
Tom: "Yeah?"

She turns and sees Tom lying on the floor.

Lynette: "What's the matter?"
Tom: "My back - I threw it out. I was holding Parker upside down."

Lynette puts Penny into the playpen and grabs Tom’s feet.

Lynette: "Okay. Come on. Give me your feet."

Lynette pushes his feet toward his body. A cracking noise is heard and Tom groans.

Lynette: "How's that? Is that better?"
Tom: "Honey, can you push the interview? Because I don't think I'm gonna be able to take care of Penny like this."
Lynette: "Don't do this to me. I don't have time to make a phone call, and I promised that woman I would not let the kids interfere with this job."
Tom: "But that was a stupid promise."

Lynette pushes Tom’s legs toward his body again and he grunts.

Lynette: "Remember that time when you were away in Tucson, and I had a 104 fever, but I still managed to take the kids trick-or-treating?"
Tom: "Honey, I don't think that's helping."
Lynette: "Tom, being a mom is like being an E.R. doctor. There are no days off, so get up! Get up!"
Tom: "Okay."

He tries to stand, but can’t move.

Lynette: "Jeez, are you crying?"
Tom: "Just a little. I'll be fine. You just go. Just go."
Lynette: "Oh, for god sakes!"

Lynette picks up Penny and the diaper bag.

Tom: "Give 'em hell, honey!"
Lynette: "You!"

Lynette leaves, carrying Penny.

Advertising Agency

Lynette rushes into the office, carrying Penny. A male secretary is at the font desk.

Secretary: "Hi, Mrs. Scavo. You can wait inside. They'll be right in."
Lynette: "Great. Listen, uh..."
Secretary: "Stu."
Lynette: "Stu. You look like a bright, uh, responsible young man, and I bet you just love kids. Am I right?"

Stu stares at Penny.

Nina's Office

Lynette waits in Nina's office. Nina and Ed enter.

Lynette: "Ah."
Nina: "Oh. Ed Ferrara, Lynette Scavo."
Lynette: "Thanks so much for having me in."
Ed: "Nice to meet you. Please, sit."
Lynette: "Thank you."
Ed: "We're gonna have to make this quick. I gotta leave in five to catch a plane. I got Celtic tickets on the floor."

Ed crumples up some paper and tosses it toward a little basketball net over the trash can. He makes the shot.

Ed: "It's a great résumé. I see you worked with the Donahues. You know, I snaked the Oslo candy account from 'em last year. [He tosses another crumpled paper and the basketball net and makes it.] So you've done a lot of copy work?"
Lynette: "I have. But when I moved over to Cenn and Simmons…"

Lynette can see Stu holding Penny up in the air.

Lynette: "…um, I got to do a broader range of campaigns."

She sees Stu lay Penny down on the edge of the desk as he goes over to talk to a pretty young lady.

Lynette: "Um...T... uh, V...and...uh... radio...uh, billboards."

She sees Penny crying.

Lynette: "Could you excuse me for a minute?"

Lynette runs out to the outer office.

Ed: "What's going on?"
Nina: "I have no idea."

Lynette picks up Penny.

Lynette: "Stu, you are an idiot. You're an idiot, an absolute idiot."

She rushes back into Nina’s office, carrying Penny.

Lynette: "Hi. Guys, I'd like you to meet Penny. She gives me all my best ideas."
Nina: "You brought your baby to the interview?"
Lynette: "It won't be an ongoing thing."
Nina: "You bet it won't."
Ed: "Nina, it's fine. Any chance we can get that little lady to be quiet?"
Lynette: "Not until I change her diaper. Could you just give me two minutes?"
Ed: "Sorry. Plane."
Lynette: "Well, then watch me multitask."

She throws the diaper bag at Nina and lays Penny on the sofa and continues talking while removing Penny’s dirty diaper.

Lynette: "Here's how I see it. You guys run a really good shop, but if you want your agency to go to the next level, you have to focus on two things. First, you've gotta win some awards. Do some P.S.A.s, pro bono stuff, whatever it takes, because whether they admit it or not, clients care about what's in your trophy case. Two, your web site. It's the first thing a client's gonna look at, and it's hard to navigate. There's no site map. It just wasn't built for people who grew up without computers. There. And third, I don't have a third. Yeah, so that's it."
Ed: "Okay, you're in."
Lynette: "Seriously?"
Ed: "Yeah. Take the office across the hall. I gotta run."

Ed leaves the office. Nina looks shocked.

Lynette: "Well, all right!"

Lynette tosses the dirty diaper toward the basketball net. The diaper hits the glass wall above it and falls on the rug.

Lynette: "Okay, obviously, I'm gonna clean that up."

Jail Visiting Room

Gabrielle hands Carlos a piece of paper labeled "DNA Testing."

Gabrielle: "Here it is in black and white. It's your kid. What? Why aren't you smiling?"
Carlos: "It's not enough."
Gabrielle: "What, you want a father's day card?"
Carlos: "You knew the one thing that I demanded was fidelity, and you still went out and screwed around behind my back."
Gabrielle: "You knew the one thing I didn't want was a child, and you still tricked me into getting pregnant!"
Carlos: "It's not the same thing."
Gabrielle: "Damn straight. What you did was worse."
Carlos: "We're not very nice people, are we?"
Gabrielle: "No, we're not."
Carlos: "Oh, when we got married, I thought we were gonna be so happy."
Gabrielle: "Me too. Look on the bright side. At least we're still rich."
Carlos: "Thank god for that."

Mike’s House

Mike comes out his door for his newspaper. Susan is sitting there and startles him.

Susan: "So it occurred to me that I was really rude at the morgue. When you told me about Zach, I was so busy freaking out, I never actually congratulated you."
Mike: "Congratulated me?"
Susan: "I know how much you've always wanted a child, and now you have one."
Mike: "Thanks."
Susan: "Obviously, um, it was quite a shock, but it's good news any way you slice it."

Susan stands up and approaches Mike. He can see that she's crying.

Mike: "What's wrong?"
Susan: "So naturally you'll be wanting to have a relationship with him, and that, that takes time, a lot of time."
Mike: "Susan."
Susan: "And out of all the mixed-up teenagers in the world, Zach is just the one kid that I can't be around. I can't have Julie around him. So, um, what I'm trying to say is..."
Mike: "We can't move in together."
Susan: "But I am so happy for you. Really, you have a child, and that is good for you."
Mike: "Isn't there any way?"
Susan: "No. No, I’m so sorry. I'll, I'll, um, I'll see you around."

Susan rushes away as Mike watches her leave.

Church

Betty plays the organ as the Reverend leads the Van De Kamps in. Phyllis looks down at Rex in the open coffin and smiles. Danielle approaches and sees the teddy bear in the coffin with Rex. Andrew looks into the coffin, then walks to his seat. Bree approaches. She looks and sees that Rex is wearing the orange tie. She looks at Phyllis. Bree walks over to the pew and sits down. Betty stops playing the organ.

Reverend: "Today we've come together to celebrate the life of Dr. Rex Van de Kamp."

Bree stares at Rex lying in the coffin.

Bree (to Phyllis): "What is he wearing?"
Phyllis: "What?"
Reverend: "A life filled with love and laughter and most importantly….."
Bree: "I left him an hour ago, and he was wearing Ralph Lauren."
Phyllis: "But it's what Rex would have wanted. He loved that prep school."
Reverend: "But whichever coat he was wearing, Rex always brought an irresistible enthusiasm and a single-minded determination to..."

Later in the service, the Reverend is still talking.

Reverend: "So as we mourn the passing of Rex Van de Kamp, we give thanks to God, for we do not grieve as those who have no hope but as those who place their trust in God."

Bree stares at the coffin. Betty begins playing a hymn. Everyone stands. Two men begin covering Rex in the coffin and lowering the lid. Bree jumps up.

Bree: "Wait!"

The organ stops abruptly.

Bree: "Do not close that coffin."

Bree walks slowly down the aisle of the church, glancing down each pew. She stops at Lynette and Tom.

Bree: "Give me your tie."
Tom: "What?"
Bree: "Give me your tie!"
Lynette: "Give it to her! Give it to her!"

Tom removes his tie quickly and hands it to Bree. Bree walks back to the coffin with it. Everyone stares. Bree uncovers Rex, removes the orange tie, lifts Rex up, and puts Tom’s tie on Rex. She lays Rex back down, and ties the tie.

Bree: "You look magnificent."

The Reverend signals at Betty. Betty begins playing and Bree walks out of the church into the sunlight.

Wisteria Lane - Daytime

Susan, Lynette, Bree and Gabrielle are walking home together.

Susan: "So it looks like Mary Alice killed Zach's birth mother in order to keep her from taking Zach away."
Lynette: "Oh, my god. I mean, I knew Mary Alice had killed herself over something big, but wow. Can you imagine living with that guilt?"
Gabrielle: "Isn't it bizarre that Paul and Mary Alice had this secret all those years, and we didn't even know about it?"
Susan: "No, not really. I mean, what do we actually know about our neighbors? I mean, we can tell if they keep their lawns nice or they take their trash cans in, but when they do those things, we stop asking questions 'cause if people are good neighbors..."
Bree: "...we don't really care what happens behind closed doors."

As they walk by the Applewhite house, piano music is heard.

"It had been one year since my suicide…"

Lynette: "Makes you wonder, doesn't it?"

"And a lot had changed on Wisteria Lane. There were new flowers, new houses and new neighbors, the kind anyone would want living right next door."

Betty’s House

Betty is playing the piano. Matthew enters the room, holding a tray with food on it.

Matthew: "Is that another hymn?"
Betty: "I know. It's silly, but playing those songs today at the funeral just got me in the mood. This is your grandmother's favorite. Did you remember butter?"
Matthew: "I make up this tray every night."
Betty: "Of course you do. I'm sorry. Oh, look you added a flower."
Matthew: "Thought it'd be nice."
Betty: "How'd I get so lucky to have a child like you? You really do try to think about others. That flower is a small act of kindness you thought no one would notice, and yet you did it anyway. Says a lot about how you were raised."
Matthew: "Well, I guess you did your job."
Betty: "I guess so. I'll get the tray. You take the gun."

She hands a revolver to Matthew and picks up the tray. They walk to the basement. Matthew tucks the gun in his back waistband. They go downstairs. Betty steps aside as Matthew unlocks a padlocked door. Betty enters a room and places the tray on a table. She turns the tray around as though facing it toward someone. She walks to the door and looks back at the rose on the tray.

Betty: "It really is a lovely gesture."

She walks out of the room and Matthew relocks the door. A hand reaches for the glass on the tray. A thick leather strap is wrapped around the wrist.

~ The End ~

This spoiler episode was compiled and completed on October 1, 2005 by Amanda (desperate_housewives at yahoo dot com) and Lucy.
Last Update: January 13, 2007

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