This was typed by Lucy, Wayne Manuel, and Amanda, mere humans, and mistakes are possible. If you find any, no matter how trivial, please let me know. (desperate_housewives at yahoo dot com)

In the interest of finishing the transcripts faster, screen caps will not be placed on the transcripts until further notice. You can find screen caps at the following websites:
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Guest stars
"Tom Scavo" - Doug Savant
"Andrew Van De Kamp" - Shawn Pyfrom
"Noah" - Bob Gunton
"Mrs. McClusky" - Kathryn Joosten
"Detective Sullivan" - Nick Chinlund
"Reverend Sikes" - Dakin Matthews
"Tim" - James Michael Connor
"Sam" - Geoff Pierson
"Sophie Bremmer" - Lesley Ann Warren
"Preston Scavo" - Brent Kinsman
"Porter Scavo" - Shane Kinsman
"Lamont" - Patrick Dollaghan
"Waiter" - David Pevsner
"Delivery Guy" - Lawrence LeJohn
"Ice Cream Vendor" - Paul Rae

Written by: Jenna Bans
Directed by: Arlene Sanford

Lynette’s Kitchen

Lynette lifts two full trash bags out of the trash can and carries them across the house.

"Every morning as she went to take out her trash, Lynette Scavo would indulge in a little daydream, the details of which were always the same."

Lynette looks out her kitchen door at her neighbor, Karen McClusky, who’s watering her lawn.

"One day, her nasty neighbor Karen McClusky would keel over and die."

Mrs. McClusky falls backward, dead. A moving van appears in front of Mrs. McClusky’s home.

"And her home would be bought by a lovely Swedish family with two adorable twin daughters."

The moving van pulls away. Standing on Mrs. McClusky’s lawn is a man, a woman, and young twin girls waving at Lynette.

"The families would form an everlasting friendship, culminating in their daughters marrying her sons at an elaborate wedding the Scavos wouldn't have to pay for."

Lynette daydreams that her family and the new neighbors meet in the middle of the street, shake hands and hugs. Lynette pictures a beautiful wedding with her twins marrying the new neighbors twins.

"Yes, Lynette enjoyed her little daydream, but Mrs. McClusky always had a way of pulling her back to reality."

Lynette steps out her kitchen door and sees Mrs. McClusky carrying Lynette's two garbage cans across the street. Lynette runs after her.

Lynette: "Hey, hey, hey, hey. Why are you stealing my garbage cans?"
Mrs. McClusky: "Garbage pickup was two days ago, and these cans have been on the street ever since. I just assumed you didn't want 'em anymore."
Lynette: "Oh, that's very cute. That's good. Here. Give them here."

Lynette takes the cans away from Mrs. McClusky and carries them back to her house.

Mrs. McClusky: "It's bad enough we got to look at that god-awful color you painted the house. We shouldn't have to stare at your cans for days on end."
Lynette: "You want to talk about good neighbor etiquette? How about you hire a gardener to take care of that jungle you call a lawn?"
Mrs. McClusky: "I am on a fixed income."
Lynette: "Oh. Well, perhaps you should consider moving somewhere less expensive, like a nursing home."
Mrs. McClusky: "Go to hell."

Mrs. McClusky turns and begins walking back to her house.

Lynette: "Run by Germans, hmm?"

Mrs. McClusky waves a dismissive hand in Lynette's direction. Lynette puts her trash cans in her yard and turns back toward Mrs. McClusky

Lynette: "And you know..."

Mrs. McClusky stumbles.

Mrs. McClusky: "Oh. Oh."

She begins crawling on her hands and knees to her house.

Lynette: "Mrs., Mrs. McClusky. Mrs. McClusky, are you all right?"

Mrs. McClusky continues crawling to her yard.

Mrs. McClusky: "Oh, oh."

Lynette seems at a loss about what to do. She runs toward Mrs. McClusky’s front door.

Lynette: "I'll get the door. "
Mrs. McClusky: "Oh."

Mrs. McClusky falls face down.

Lynette: "Mrs. McClusky!"

"For a brief moment, Lynette was presented with an interesting choice of options."

Lynette looks up and sees her dream family standing in front of the moving van.

"And though she knew she'd hate herself in the morning, Lynette chose to do the right thing."

In front of Mrs. McClusky’s house, ambulance attendants are lifting her on a gurney into the ambulance. She has oxygen tubes in her nose.

Mrs. McClusky: "Lynette, where are they taking me?"
Lynette: "You're going to the hospital, Mrs. McClusky. You're gonna be fine."
Mrs. McClusky: "I don't want to go alone. Come with me."
Lynette: "Oh, um, these are trained technicians, and I've got a roast in the...freezer."
Mrs. McClusky: "Please. I'm scared."
Lynette: "Yeah, I'll come with you. Okay, here I am."
Mrs. McClusky: "Thank you."

Lynette climbs into the ambulance and sits next to Mrs. McClusky.

Mrs. McClusky: "If I die, I don't want it to be with strangers."
Lynette: "You're not going to die."
Mrs. McClusky: "How can you be so sure?"

"Of course, Lynette didn't respond. How could she tell her neighbor that some dreams were just too beautiful to come true?"

As the ambulance drives away with the siren blaring, Lynette sees her dream family on Mrs. McClusky’s lawn waving goodbye to her.

Credits

Cemetery

Noah sits on a stone bench looking at a picture of his daughter and saying the Rosary.

"Life is a journey, one that is much better traveled with a companion by our side. But sometimes, we lose our companions along the way, and then the journey becomes unbearable."

Mike approaches.

Mike: "Noah. Didn't know you were a religious man. What's with the Rosary?"
Noah: "They found Deirdre."
Mike: "What?"
Noah: "Her body had been stuffed inside a toy chest. Can you believe that? A kid's toy chest. She'd been dismembered."

Noah begins sighing heavily, almost crying. Mike sits next to him in shock.

Mike: "My god."
Noah: "Cops I.D’ed her from her dental records. She's been dead fifteen years. All that time I was looking for her, she was already gone."
Mike: "I'm so sorry."
Noah: "I have to bury my baby. I came out here to, uh, figure out what kind of tombstone to get her."

Noah stands up. Mike follows him.

Mike: "You shouldn't be doing this now. Let's get you home."
Noah: "There's a cop I want you to talk to."
Mike: "A cop?"
Noah: "His name is Sullivan. I paid him to take the heat off you for your neighbor's murder. He'll get you the file on Deirdre's case. Apparently, they have some leads."

Noah walks away.

Camp Hennessey

Bree and Rex are sitting on the porch.

Rex: "I don't know. I think we may be making a huge mistake."
Bree: "We made our decision. Let's just stick to it."
Rex: "Let's say we leave him here three more weeks. What's the worst that could happen?"
Bree: "Our son just told us that he might be gay. There are two hundred other boys in this camp. Now, I could explain to you what might happen if we left him here, but I'm a lady, and I don't use that kind of language."
Rex: "You know, I bet we're worrying ourselves sick over nothing. This is probably just a phase."
Bree: "Exactly, so we'll get him home, we'll get him into Christian counseling, so it won't become a lifestyle."
Rex: "Well, whatever's going on with him, he's still our son, and we love him."
Bree: "Why would you say that to me?"
Rex: "Because it's obvious how freaked out you are by the whole gay thing."
Bree: "I may be freaked out, but that doesn't change how I feel about him."
Rex: "I'm just saying: be cool."

Andrew comes out onto the porch with his bag.

Bree: "I can be just as cool as you can."
Rex: "All right."

Rex hugs Andrew.

Rex: "It'll be nice to have you back."

Bree approaches Andrew and puts her hands on his arms.

Bree: "Andrew, I would love you even if you were a murderer."

Bree hugs him and Rex and Andrew look at each other in disbelief.

Outside Lynette's House

An ice cream truck with a line of children is parked on the curb. Lynette, with the stroller, is standing nearby. One of the twins runs up to Lynette.

Twin: "Mommy, the line's not moving."
Susan: "Oh, for Pete's sake."

Susan walks quickly to the ice cream truck, where her mother is leaning on the counter, laughing.

Susan: "Mom. Mom!"
Sophie: "What?"
Susan: "Kids are waiting."
Sophie: "Oh, honey, Hector here teaches salsa dancing at the community center."
Hector: "I give private lessons, too."
Sophie: "Oh, I bet you do."
Susan: "Mom!"
Sophie: "What?"

Susan pulls Sophie away from the ice cream truck.

Susan: "Could you please not flirt with the ice cream man?"
Sophie: "Why not?"
Susan: "Do you need a reason beyond the fact that he's the ice cream man?"
Sophie: "It's called moving on with your life."
Susan: "You just broke up with Morty two weeks ago. Don't you think you can at least pretend to mourn the relationship?"
Sophie: "Oh, you are such a stick in the mud. We should be out there having fun. I know what we can do tonight. We can go to some hip club and get some hot guys."
Susan: "Mom."
Sophie: "Oh, it'll be great! I'll say I'm forty-two, and you can be twenty-eight. What? Oh, you could pull it off."

Lynette's House

Lynette opens her front door and Mrs. McClusky is there.

Lynette: "Mrs. McClusky, you're back from the hospital already?"
Mrs. McClusky: "Turns out I O.D.ed a little bit on my arthritis medication. One pill, I can open a jar. Four pills, I'm face-down crawling for my life. You'll find out about that soon enough."
Lynette: "Well, I'm glad to hear you're all right."
Mrs. McClusky: "Here."

Mrs. McClusky hands Lynette a green Tiffany lamp.

Mrs. McClusky: "My way of saying thank you for not letting me die out there on the lawn."
Lynette: "Oh, Mrs. McClusky, you don't ..."
Mrs. McClusky: "Keep it! It's genuine Tiffany. It's been in my family for years."
Lynette: "I don't know what to say. It's, it's stunning. Thank you."

Mrs. McClusky hugs Lynette. Lynette looks confused.

Lynette: "I'd invite you in, but-"
Mrs. McClusky: "Well, I wanted to tell you what my doctor said. Seems that arthritis is the least of my problems."

Mrs. McClusky walks into Lynette’s house. Lynette is speechless.

Mrs. McClusky: "See, I had this skin tag -- or what I thought was a skin tag, but it turns out it might be more serious."

Gabrielle's House, Nighttime

Gabrielle is lying in bed, reading. Carlos walks into the room and tries to sit on the bed. Gabrielle puts her foot on Carlos’ chest to stop him.

Gabrielle: "What do you think you're doing?"
Carlos: "Please, I can't sleep in the den anymore. I need to sleep in a bed."
Gabrielle: "Well, then, you might want to try a motel, because you're not coming back in here!"

Gabrielle shoves Carlos back with her foot. He sighs.

Carlos: "How many times have I got to say I'm sorry?"
Gabrielle: "Obviously, a few more."
Carlos: "I am not proud of what I did. I admit, I was way out of line."
Gabrielle: "You want back in this bed? You know what to do."
Carlos: "I'm not tearing up the post-nup."
Gabrielle: "Why not?"
Carlos: "Because it's the one way that I can ensure you'll be here when I get out of jail."
Gabrielle: "Well, then have fun at the motel."
Carlos: "Fine. Tomorrow I'm canceling your credit cards."
Gabrielle: "What?"
Carlos: "And I'm taking away your ATM as well."
Gabrielle: "What am I supposed to do for money?"
Carlos: "Maybe once you see how good you've got it here, you'll start treating me with a little respect."
Gabrielle: "You want my respect? Then tear up the post-nup."
Carlos: "Give me my pillow."
Gabrielle: "One more thing. If you ever hurt me again, I will kill you."
Carlos: "If you ever leave me for another man, I'll kill you."

Gabrielle throws the pillow at Carlos.

Gabrielle: "Boy, with all this passion, isn't it a shame that we're not having sex?"

Carlos walks out of the room.

John's Apartment

John is kissing his way up Gabrielle’s arm. Gabrielle lets him, but sits there with her head propped up on her hand, looking disinterested and distracted. John begins kissing Gabrielle’s neck.

Gabrielle: "I feel trapped."
John: "You want me to open a window?"
Gabrielle: "No, I'm talking about my life."
John: "Oh. Are we done making out?"
Gabrielle: "No, no. Keep going."

John continues to nuzzle Gabrielle’s neck.

John: "So what's up?"
Gabrielle: "I'm unhappy with Carlos and my marriage. I feel like I don't have options, and it's driving me crazy. Every time something went south in my life, I always had a plan B. Now I feel like I have nothing."
John: "What about me? Can't I be your plan B?"
Gabrielle: "Damn it, John. What is our new rule?"
John: "Stop pretending we have a future."
Gabrielle: "Thank you."
John: "Can't you just walk out?"
Gabrielle: "No, 'cause if I leave, then I'll be broke, and that's awful. If I stay, then he's in control, and that's horrifying. And he cut up all my credit cards, which means I'm married to him and unable to shop, which is probably the worst of all possible worlds."
John: "I'm sorry."
Gabrielle: "I'll figure something out. I'm not much fun today. I'm gonna go."

Gabrielle stands up and picks up her purse.

John: "Wait."

John pulls out his wallet and hands Gabrielle a credit card.

Gabrielle: "What's this?"
John: "You deserve nice things, and if Mr. Solis won't provide them, I will."
Gabrielle: "With your student credit card?"
John: "I own my own business."
Gabrielle: "You mow lawns."
John: "I make good money. You know, I have 20 houses, and I'm this close to getting the driving range at the country club."
Gabrielle: "I can't."

Gabrielle hands the card back to John.

John: "Yes, you can."

John hands the card back to Gabrielle. She takes the card.

Gabrielle: "I'll pay it off."
John: "If you want. But you don't have to. Mrs. Solis...to take care of you...it's my dream."
Gabrielle: "Well, far be it from me to stand in the way of a young man's dream."

Gabrielle tucks the card into her purse and she and John fall back onto the bed.

Lynette's House

Lynette is on the phone in the kitchen. She grabs her purse. She grabs books and notebooks and puts them into her oversized bags.

Lynette: "Okay, Tom, yeah. I will swing by the dry cleaners after I hit the market. Mm, I don't know. Porter has a dentist appointment at four o'clock, so the, um, car might have to wait until tomorrow. Okay, yeah. I love you, too. Bye-bye."

Mrs. McClusky: "Hi there. I brought you some avocados. I have a tree in back, but I hate 'em, and your family seems like the kind that would eat guacamole."
Lynette: "Um, Mrs. McClusky, thank you. That is very nice."
Mrs. McClusky: "So let's make up a batch."
Lynette: "Oh, um, now's not a good time. I'm, I'm on my way out. I have a ton of errands."
Mrs. McClusky: "Oh, that's great, because my car's on the fritz, and I could hitch a ride. I need to drop by the pharmacy, anyway."
Lynette: "No, I can't. I'm sorry, but I-I have a lot of things to do."
Mrs. McClusky: "Maybe you could take me later. I could drop by tomorrow."
Lynette: "Mrs. McClusky, I'm not gonna have any time tomorrow."
Mrs. McClusky: "Oh. Kind of interesting that you can't spend two minutes with me, but you have no trouble taking my Tiffany lamp."
Lynette: "Oh, for God's sakes."

Lynette walks back into her house shaking her head. She comes back to the door carrying the lamp. She hands the lamp back to Mrs. McClusky.

Lynette: "Here. You should take this back. I-I don't have a place for it."
Mrs. McClusky: "But that was my thank you for saving my life."
Lynette: "I know, and it was a beautiful gesture. Really. But I just-"
Mrs. McClusky: "Save it, Lynette. I get the picture."

Mrs. McClusky grabs the lamp and walks away.

Susan's House, nighttime

Susan, yawning, walks down the stairs in just a T-shirt. She sees her mother sitting in a chair with a man standing behind her rubbing her shoulders. Susan pulls her T-shirt down trying to cover her bare legs.

Susan: "Aah! Oh! Oh, God."
Sophie: "Susie, this is Tim."
Tim: "Sorry we startled you."
Susan: "Oh, uh, that's okay. I, I just didn't expect to see anybody up at a quarter to one."
Sophie: "Oh, Susie, you should have come out tonight. I met Tim here at the Islands Bar, and he introduced me to this crazy drink. The Dirty Volcano. Ahhh."
Tim: "Whoo!"
Sophie: "And then we danced, and he dipped me."
Tim: "Sophie's very limber."
Susan: "Uh, mom, could I just talk to you in the family room for a minute?"
Sophie: "Oh, sure."
Tim: "Susan is your daughter?"
Sophie: "Yep."
Tim: "No, she can't be."
Sophie: "Yes."
Tim: "No."
Sophie: "Yeah!"
Tim: "No!"
Sophie: "Yeah!"
Tim: "No!"
Sophie: "Yes."
Susan: "Okay, we get it. She looks young."

Susan drags her mother into the other room.

Sophie: "Oh. That man has magic fingers."
Susan: "What are you doing? I have a teenage daughter in the house. You can't just bring strange men you meet in bars here in the middle of the night."
Sophie: "We're just having a few laughs. What's the big deal?"
Susan: "I know you're trying to get over Morty, but this is not the way to do it, so can you please just go out there and tell him to go home?"
Sophie: "You know how blue I've been. Why can't you be supportive?"
Susan: "I have been plenty supportive."
Sophie: "No, you haven't. You really haven't. Now, Tim is my guest, and he will go home when I say so."
Susan: "If he's not gone in five minutes, I'm gonna go out there and tell him exactly how old you really are."

Sophie blinks at Susan, then nods slightly, and walks back into the living room.

Sophie: "Tim, it's time for me to go sleepy-pie."

Darkened Parking Garage

Mike Delfino stands in the nearly empty garage and looks around. A man standing off in the distance calls his name.

Detective Sullivan: "Delfino."
Mike: "Yeah. You must be Sullivan."

The plainclothes man hands Mike a file.

Detective Sullivan: "The file on Noah's daughter."
Mike: "Yeah, he said you had some leads."
Detective Sullivan: "Yeah, sure, we got some leads."
Mike: "Is there a problem?"
Detective Sullivan: "Gee, I don't know. I'm handing a confidential police report over to a killer and drug dealer. Why should that be a problem?"
Mike: "Thanks."

Mike walks away.

Detective Sullivan: "Is this what our justice system has come to? Guys like you walking the street without a care in the world?"
Mike: "I did my time."
Detective Sullivan: "Not nearly enough, you piece of garbage."

Mike walks back to the officer.

Mike: "You know, I'm glad we had the chance to meet, because apparently, I'm no longer a murder suspect thanks to you, so I don't want to seem ungrateful. But just out of curiosity, how much does it cost to buy off a homicide detective these days? Thanks again."

Mike turns and walks away from the officer again.

Detective Sullivan: "Hey, Delfino...one more thing."

Sullivan comes up quickly behind Mike, pulling out his gun as he does so. Mike turns around and Sullivan hits Mike in the face with the pistol. Mike falls. Sullivan kicks Mike in the stomach, twice. Mike tries to get up. The officer hits Mike on the head with the gun. Mike collapses. The officer picks up the file and leans over Mike.

Detective Sullivan: "Now, this file was misplaced. Understand? If even a whisper of this gets traced back to me, there will be one less cop killer on the street."

Sullivan stands and throws the file down next the Mike.

Detective Sullivan: "And for God's sakes, don't get any blood on the file."

He walks away, leaving Mike on the ground.

Restaurant

Gabrielle sits alone in a fancy restaurant, having lunch. She opens a shoe box sitting next the her on the table and admires her new shoes. Gabrielle puts the shoes back into the box and sees a man across the room smiling at her. He holds up his champagne glass to toast her. Gabrielle raises her glass in response. The waiter walks up to her.

Waiter: "Ma'am, I'm sorry but your credit card has been declined."
Gabrielle: "What? Oh, no, that’s impossible. It’s a new card. I just went shopping with it. Try it again."
Waiter: "Ma'am, I tried it three times and then I called the bank. Now, may I might try another card?"
Gabrielle: "Of course you may. Will you just give me a moment?"

The waiter nods, sets the check down, and walks away. Gabrielle grabs her cell phone and dials.

John's Apartment

The phone rings. John answers it.

John: "Hello?"
Gabrielle: "It’s me."
John: "Oh, I've been trying to call you but you turned your cell off."
Gabrielle: "Because I'm in a lovely restaurant, having a lovely meal that I now can't pay for."
John: "Well, did you order already?’
Gabrielle: "I ate already."
John: "Look, the credit card company called my mom. I mean, they said that there was unusual activity on my card."
Gabrielle: "I bought shoes."
John: "Well, I didn't know that, you know, and then my mom starting asking all these questions so I just blurted out that the card was stolen, and she cancelled it."
Gabrielle: "Why would they call your parents? It’s your account."
John: "They co-signed for it. Look, if you just explain to the waiter."
Gabrielle: "What? That the credit card was cancelled by my lover’s mommy?"
John: "Well, what other options do you have, unless you return the shoes and get the money back?"
Gabrielle: "Return the shoes? I can't talk to you when you're being hysterical."

Gabrielle hangs up the cell phone. The waiter walks back up to the table.

Waiter: "So, ma'am, what you like to do about the bill?"

Gabrielle looks across the restaurant and see the man who toasted her pulling out his credit card. She smiles.

Lynette's Front Yard

Lynette is carrying a laundry basket, picking up toys. A delivery guy approaches her.

Delivery Guy: "Afternoon. I've got a package for your neighbor Karen McClusky. You mind signing?"
Lynette: "Well, isn't she home? She usually never goes anywhere."
Delivery Guy: "No one answered."
Lynette: "All right."

Lynette signs for the package. He hands the package to Lynette

Lynette: "Okay. Thank you."

Lynette tiptoes up Mrs. McClusky’s front steps with the package. She puts the package by the front door, pushes the door bell, and runs back across the street.

Restaurant

Gabrielle is sitting with the man who toasted her.

Gabrielle: "So let me get this straight -- you play tennis, you know wine, and you speak Mandarin. Does every other man in the world want you dead?"
Sam: "Well, I'm not that impressive. I pulled a gray hair out of my chest this morning."
Gabrielle: "I don't know. I'd watch your back."
Sam: "You know, I really enjoyed talking to you. You, uh, well, you made my day. I was thinking if you'd like to get together again..."
Gabrielle: "Well, Sam, to, to tell you the truth, I'm kind of in a relationship right now. I just wanted to be honest."
Sam: "That's perfectly okay, Tina. By the way, this is on me."
Gabrielle: "Oh, no, you shouldn't."
Sam: "Oh, please. It's my pleasure."

Sam puts his credit card on the check and hands it to the waiter. The waiter looks at Gabrielle who smiles back at him.

Bree's House

Rex and Bree set the table together.

Rex: "This is gonna be a disaster."
Bree: "It'll be fine." (shouts up the stairs) "Andrew, honey, hurry up. Dinner's ready."
Rex: "It's like we're setting a trap for him."
Bree: "It's for his own good. You'll see."

Andrew enters the dining room.

Andrew: "Smells good. What are we having?"
Bree: "I'm making homemade brat wurst with sweet-and-sour cabbage. It's a recipe I found in an old German cookbook."

The doorbell rings.

Bree: "I'll get the door. Honey, why don't you pour the wine?"
Andrew: "Isn't Danielle spending the night at Wendy's?"
Rex: "I believe she is."
Andrew: "Well, then, why did mom set the table for four places?"
Rex: "Huh?"
Andrew: "Uh, I asked who's coming for dinner."

Bree walks into the dining room holding onto the arm of a smiling, gray-haired man.

Bree: "Andrew, you remember Reverend Sikes, don't you?"
Andrew: "Oh, come on."
Bree: "Um, Reverend, why don't you, um, have seat, and I will get some refreshments?"

The Reverend sits down at the dining room table where Andrew is sitting and Rex is pouring wine.

Reverend Sikes: "Ah. So, Andrew. It's been a long time."
Andrew: "Yes. Yes, it has."
Bree: "Would you like some water? I have flat or bubbly."
Reverend Sikes: "Oh, bubbly, please. So, your mother tells me you've started having some sexual desires for other boys."

Andrew stares at his mother who smiles back lovingly. Andrew looks at the wine.

Andrew: "I don't suppose I could get some of that."
Rex: "Nope. I'm gonna need every drop."

Rex pours himself more wine.

Later...

Reverend Sikes: "And over the years, we've had so many young people come to our ministry hating themselves for their unnatural desires, and within a few months, they've found an inner peace and a tranquility that is nothing short of miraculous."
Bree: "Oh."

Bree reaches over and touches Andrew’s arm. Andrew smiles back at his mother.

Reverend Sikes: "And all it takes is a little faith and a desire to change."
Andrew: "I'm sorry, but I, I really don't want to talk about my sex life."
Bree: "Well, that's just too bad, because this needs to be discussed."
Reverend Sikes: "Bree, please, let the boy speak. Go on."
Andrew: "Well, I appreciate your offer to help. I do. But I don't hate myself. So, I'm good."
Reverend Sikes: "Son, I know what it's like to be a teenager. It's a very confusing time."
Andrew: "I'm not confused. I know exactly who I am."
Reverend Sikes: "Well, if you ever do want to talk, my door is always open."
Bree: "Reverend, I don't mean to criticize, but, it sounds like you're giving up."
Reverend Sikes: "We can't force him on a path of righteousness. He, himself, has got to want to make the journey."
Bree: "Well, then, what do we do, just stand by while he starts dating boys? And by the way, the correct word is not gay. It's sodomy."
Rex: "We're in the middle of dinner."
Bree: "So?"
Rex: "So can you at least wait till dessert before calling our son a sodomite?"
Bree: "How you can sit there and be so casual is beyond me."
Rex: "For starters, I knew this dinner was a bad idea the moment you suggested it."
Bree: "Well, at least I'm trying to be proactive."
Reverend Sikes: "Please, there's no need to get upset."
Bree: "I am upset because there is a problem here, and no one seems to notice it but me."
Rex: "As far as I'm concerned, if Andrew is happy with who he is, then it is our job to support him."

He nods at Andrew, who nods back. Bree stares at Rex. Then she turns to Andrew.

Bree: "Your father is into S and M."
Rex: "Bree!"
Bree: "He makes me beat him with a riding crop, and I let him. It's no wonder you're perverted. Look who your parents are."

Bree walks away from the table.

Rex: "Excuse me."

Rex leaves the table. Andrew smiles at the Reverend.

Andrew: "What a fun night. You know, we should really do this again sometime."

Outside Susan's House, Nighttime

Sophie comes running out of the house to greet Susan as she pulls into the driveway.

Sophie: "Hey. Hey. Good news. I know why you've been so furious at me."

Susan exits car and walks toward back of SUV. Sophie follows.

Susan: "I haven't been furious at you."
Sophie: "Oh, well, yes, you have, and I don't blame you. Men have been coming on to me left and right, and I just, I've been having so much fun and just enjoying life, and what do I do? I throw it right in your face. I'd hate me, too."
Susan: "Mom, I don't hate you."

Susan takes her bag out of back of SUV and closes the trunk. She and Sophie walk toward house. Sophie hugs Susan as they walk.

Sophie: "Well, be that as it may, from here on out, I'm including you in all the fun."
Susan: "The fun?"
Sophie: "Mm-hmm. Your mother's come through."
Susan: "What have you done?"
Sophie: "You and I are going on a double date tonight."
Susan: "What?"
Sophie: "Tim has a friend from the box factory, and I thought the four of us could hang out, have a few drinks, and hors d'oeuvres, and ..."
Susan: "Forget it."
Sophie: "Well, Susie..."
Susan: "Mom, I'm sorry. I'm just not in the mood to hang out these days."

They enter Susan’s house.

Sophie: "Susie, sweetie, please, I can't cancel now."
Susan: "Of course you can. Just call them up and tell them not to come over."

She takes off her shoes at the entrance between the living room and family room. She glances into the family room and sees Tim.She also sees he is not alone. Another man is sitting on the couch.

Susan: "Tim."
Tim: "Oh hi, Suse. This is, this is my buddy, Lamont."

Lamont holds up a bottle.

Lamont: "I brought peppermint schnapps."

Susan is speechless.

Outside Lynette's House, Nighttime

Lynette opens the truck of her van. She looks across the street and sees the package she left on Mrs. McClusky’s porch.

Lynette's House

Tom and Lynette are preparing dinner in the kitchen.

Tom: "I'm sure she's fine."
Lynette: "She never leaves her mail sitting out there. I mean, how many times has she thrown ours away because we didn't pick it up the second it came?"
Tom: "That would be five."
Lynette: "I don't know, Tom. I think something's happened to her."
Tom: "Okay, so go over and check on her."
Lynette: "But if I'm wrong, then I'm sucked into a two-hour conversation about bunions."
Tom: "Don't go check on her."
Lynette: "Six months from now, when they find her mummified corpse at the bottom of the basement stairs, what do I tell the kids? 'Oh, yeah, I let Mrs. McClusky die.'"
Tom: "Yeah, and why would they care? Like they're gonna miss the dry cleaning coupons she hands out on Halloween."
Lynette: "Tom."
Tom: "Listen, honey, what can I say? You're damned if you do, you're damned if you don't, so, uh, good luck with that."
Lynette: "Honey, I'm hating you a little bit right now."

Gabrielle's House

Carlos is soaking in a bubble bath while watching a ball game on the TV in the bathroom. Gabrielle enters carrying her new shoes.

Gabrielle: "Hi honey. Look at my new shoes."
Carlos: "Yeah."
Gabrielle: "Aren't they gorgeous?
Carlos: "Honey, I'm trying to watch the game."
Gabrielle: "Sorry."

Gabrielle walks to her closet and puts the shoes away.

Carlos: "How'd you buy new shoes?"
Gabrielle: "Shh. Talk later. You're watching the game."
Carlos: "No, I want to talk about it now. You don't have any money, so what's the story?"
Gabrielle: "Oh, you've heard it before. Girl meets boy, boy buys girl things, girl leaves happy."
Carlos: "What did you do?"
Gabrielle: "You know, I forgot how generous men could be. I also forgot I have options. A whole bunch of them."
Carlos: "What the hell are you talking about?"
Gabrielle: "I don't need your credit cards, Carlos, and I don't need your money, but if our marriage is gonna work, I need your respect."
Carlos: "I'm not ripping up the post-nup."
Gabrielle: "Yes, you are. Because if you don't, I'm gonna put on my new shoes and walk out the door."
Carlos: "You're threatening me?"
Gabrielle: "No, I'm just pointing something out. I'm a pretty girl, and pretty girls are never lonely."

Gabrielle reaches into the bubble bath, tosses some of the bubbles at Carlos, then walks out of the room.

Susan's House

Lamont is drinking. Sophie and Tim are laughing and dancing to some music on the stereo. Susan is sitting across from Lamont looking disgusted.

Sophie (laughing): "Stop, I'm really ticklish."

Sophie pushes Tim’s hand to her butt.

Lamont: "So, uh, children's books, right?"
Sophie (in the background): "Don't! That tickles!"
Lamont: "Well, I hope you know how lucky you are. Not everyone gets to realize their bliss."
Susan: "Yeah, it can be rewarding."

Lamont pats the area on the sofa next to him.

Lamont: "Why don't you join me?"
Susan: "No."

Tim is nuzzling Sophie’s neck.

Sophie (laughing): "I'm really ticklish. Tim! Come on!"
Tim: "What's wrong?"

Susan jumps up and faces Sophie and Tim.

Susan: "For God's sake, Tim, she's ticklish! How many times do you have to be told?"

Sophie waves her hand, brushing away Susan’s remark.

Sophie: "Oh, pffft. This is so much fun come on, let's find another CD."
Susan: "Mother, don't you think it's getting a little late?"
Sophie: "Come on! You haven't even finished your schnapps."

Susan picks up her drink and downs it.

Susan: "The perfect capper to the perfect evening. So good night. It's been lovely, and, Lamont, good luck with all your inventions."
Sophie: "Well, it's only eleven-thirty. I want to hit the clubs."
Tim: "Well, I know a great place just off the interstate. Come on."
Lamont: "Let's warm up the old war wagon."

Lamont and Tim start going to the door with Sophie. Susan runs after them.

Susan: "Mom, hold it! You are not getting in a car alone with those two. You barely know them."
Sophie: "I have great instincts about people I always have, Susie. You know that."
Susan: "You've been married four times."
Sophie: "Yes, but twice to the same guy."

Sophie goes out the door and starts down the walk. Susan follows.

Susan: "Mother!"
Sophie: "Susie, please. You are embarrassing me."
Susan: "Oh, I'm embarrassing you?"
Sophie: "Yes, and I've had it. All night long, I've been trying to get you to stop being so crabby, and you refuse to let me help."
Susan: "And, and your idea of helping is, is letting Tim just grope you?"
Tim: "Hey! You shouldn't talk to your mother like that. She's a fine lady."
Susan: "Tim, could you just stay out of it?"
Lamont (to Tim): "Yeah, mind your own business."
Tim (to Lamont): "Hey, what's your problem, pal?"
Lamont (to Tim): "Dude, you were feeling up her mother. It pissed me off, too." (to Susan) "Come on, Susie. Let's go back inside."
Susan: "Let's go back inside? Lamont, give it up. You're not getting any."

Tim begins laughing. Susan walks back to the house. Sophie catches up with her and they stop at the front steps.

Sophie: "Why are you being this way? I'm just trying to lighten things up!"
Susan: "Would you stop acting like tonight was about helping me? You wanted to go out and have fun, and Lamont over there needed a date."
Sophie: "That's not true!"
Susan: "Oh, yes, it is."

She sits on the front steps and Sophie sits next to her.

Sophie: "Okay, fine, it's true. I wanted to get out and have fun. Why shouldn't I? You know how depressed I've been over my breakup with Morty."
Susan: "Yeah, I do, and that's what makes me so crazy. You know, the difference between you and I, that you could be heartbroken and you can just move on, and I...am just broken."

Susan buries her face in her hands. Sophie rubs Susan's back.

Sophie: "I know you're sad."
Susan: "No, mom, I'm not sad. And I'm not crabby. I'm devastated, and you keep acting like all I need is a couple of aspirin. Morty was just one guy in a series of guys for you. And Mike? He was the one. Why don't you get that?"

Susan runs into the house, leaving Sophie on the steps.

Mrs. McClusky’s House

Lynette walks in the front door of Mrs. McClusky's house, holding the package from the front steps. She closes the door behind her, but not before removing the key she had used from the lock.

Lynette: "It's Lynette. Hello? Mrs. McClusky?"

She goes into the living room and sees Mrs. McClusky sitting in a chair.

Lynette: "Mrs. McClusky. You all right?"
Mrs. McClusky: "How did you get in here?"
Lynette: "Uh, Mr. Mullins had a spare. Why didn't you open the door?"
Mrs. McClusky: "Because I was hoping that you'd go away."

Lynette sees Mrs. McClusky is wringing her hands.

Lynette: "Have you been taking your arthritis medication?"
Mrs. McClusky: "I don't need to. Sometimes the pain goes away by itself."
Lynette: "Uh-huh. Is that why you didn't open the door? Because of your hands? Mrs. McClusky, do you have anyone that could help you out? A relative, a friend?"
Mrs. McClusky: "I'm fine!"
Lynette: "Okay. Okay."

Lynette starts to leave.

Mrs. McClusky: "Uh, before you go, open these, would you? And, and put out the pills."
Lynette: "Yeah."
Mrs. McClusky: "And don't get your hands all over them. God knows what your kids have picked up. Last thing I need is a case of pinkeye."
Lynette: "You're a piece of work. You know that?"

Lynette struggles to open the pill bottle.

Lynette: "Well, this is crazy. Why'd they give you childproof caps?"
Mrs. McClusky: "Yeah."
Lynette: "First thing tomorrow, I'm taking you to the pharmacy, and we'll get you new bottles."
Mrs. McClusky: "Don't do me any favors. You don't even like me. I don't want you doing anything because you feel obligated."
Lynette: "Let me tell you something. Half of life is obligations. You don't want to go to your husband's company Christmas party, but you do. You don't want to sell candy so your kid's band can buy piccolos, but you do it. You attend your third cousin's wedding. You pick up the dry cleaning. That's life. It's obligations. And you are now my obligation, so tomorrow morning, I'll pick you up, and we'll go to the pharmacy."

Lynette puts a full glass of water on the table with the pills.

Mrs. McClusky: "Gee, I'm touched by your outpouring of compassion."
Lynette: "We don't have to be friends. But we're two human beings living on the same piece of earth. We can at least try and help each other out once in a while."

Lynette puts a blanket on Mrs. McClusky’s lap and heads for the door. She sees the Tiffany lamp she gave back to Mrs, McClusky. She walks over and picks it up.

Lynette: "And you know what? I am gonna take this."
Mrs. McClusky: "Fine."
Lynette: "I'll see you tomorrow morning."
Mrs. McClusky: "Pick me up at nine. And don't be late."

Bree's House

Bree is sitting on the couch looking at a photo album. Andrew walks in, holding a plate with a sandwich on it, heading towards the stairs.

Bree: "Andrew, come here. I want you to see this."
Andrew: "Uh, what are you looking at?"

Andrew sits next to his mother.

Bree: "I'm looking at your baby pictures. Look at that one."
Andrew: "How old was I there?"
Bree: "Just four weeks old. I never told you this, but when I gave birth to you, there were complications. The umbilical cord wrapped around your neck, and you stopped breathing. The room got very quiet, and I knew you were in trouble. So I turned to the doctor, and I very calmly said that he was not to worry about me, that his job was to save your life. When I say I would die for you, that's not an expression. I mean it."
Andrew: "Yeah, well, uh, I'm gonna go eat my sandwich."

Andrew gets up. Bree gets up also.

Bree: "Andrew, please, just go and talk to Reverend Sikes."
Andrew: "Oh, for God's sakes."
Bree: "He can counsel you. It can help."
Andrew: "Mom, I don't need any help, all right? I'm fine. Why do you keep going on about this?"
Bree: "Because if you don't change who you are, then you won't go to Heaven."
Andrew: "You, um, you, you don't think I, I'll go to Heaven?"
Bree: "No, I don't. And I need you there. I would be so lonely without you."
Andrew: "Well, then, I guess I better go talk to Reverend Sikes."

Bree hugs him.

Bree: "Oh, Andrew. Thank you so much. You don't know how much that means to me."

Mike's House

Mike opens his door and Sophie is standing there. She is shocked by the injuries to Mike’s face.

Sophie: "Oh, my gosh. Uh, are you okay?"
Mike: "Oh, yeah, I just, uh, fell down the stairs. I'm fine. What's up?"
Sophie: "Susan still loves you."
Mike: "Wow, um, okay. Look, this is not a good time for this conversation."
Sophie: "She just misses you so much."
Mike: "Sophie, I just found out that someone I was very close to is dead."
Sophie: "Oh."
Mike: "I've really got to figure out what I'm gonna do, so I just don't have time to think about Susan right now."
Sophie: "She's just very, very unhappy, and if you could just-"
Mike: "I really don't. I'm sorry."

Mike closes the door. He goes to a table where the file that Sullivan gave him is lying. He opens it. There are photos of the skeleton found in the toy chest and a picture of the toy chest. Mike scans the list of people who purchased that particular toy chest. Looking down the page, he stops when he sees the name "Paul Young" on it.

Church

Reverend Sikes is talking to Andrew.

Reverend Sikes holds up his hand as if taking an oath, his other hand on the Bible.

Reverend Sikes: "I swear before Almighty God I won't reveal a word that's said here today. Now, what's on your mind?"

He and Andrew sit down.

Andrew: "Well, here's the thing. I lied to my parents. I'm not gay."
Reverend Sikes: "You're not."
Andrew: "Not really. Look, all I know is I wanted to get the hell out of that camp, so I lied to my parents, and I told them that I was really worried that I was having feelings for other guys, and they did exactly what I wanted them to. They are such tools."
Reverend Sikes: "I'm sorry, just so I'm clear -- are you a heterosexual or aren't you?"
Andrew: "Look, I love vanilla ice cream, okay? But every now and then, I'm probably gonna be in the mood for chocolate. You know what I'm saying?"
Reverend Sikes: "I do, but God would prefer you stick to the vanilla."
Andrew: "I don't believe in God."
Reverend Sikes: "You don't?"
Andrew: "No. Sorry."
Reverend Sikes: "You know, your mother's gonna be devastated. She's been praying so hard for you to change."
Andrew: "Well, that's the good news. I am gonna change -- big time."
Reverend Sikes: "I-I'm not sure I follow."
Andrew: "You know what my mom said to me last night? She said she doesn't think I'm going to Heaven. Can you believe that?"
Reverend Sikes: "I'm sure she didn't mean to hurt your feelings, but the only way you can know Paradise is by repenting your sins."
Andrew: "When she said that to me, suddenly it hit me how I was gonna get back at her. From now on, I'm going to be so good. I'm gonna eat my vegetables, I'm,I'm gonna get good grades, I'm gonna say "yes, ma'am" and "no, ma'am." I'm gonna make her believe that God has delivered her this little miracle. Until one day, when she least expects it, I'm gonna do something so awful, it is going to rock her world. I mean, it is really going to destroy her. And when that day comes, trust me. I'll know Paradise."

Andrew smiles, gets up, and walks away as Reverend Sikes looks on, looking worried. Andrew turns and tosses the Bible he was holding back to the Reverend.

"Yes, life is a journey."

Outside Mrs. McClusky's House

Lynette walks up to the house.

"One that is much better traveled with a companion by our side. Of course, that companion can be just about anyone."

Lynette knocks on the door.

Lynette: "Mrs. McClusky! We're gonna be late for the doctor."

"A neighbor on the other side of the street..."

Mrs. McClusky comes out her door.

Mrs. McClusky: "I'm coming. Jeez, hold your water."

Gabrielle's House

Carlos approaches Gabrielle, who's reading a magazine in bed. He tears up the papers in his hand and throws them on the bed next to Gabrielle.

Carlos: "There you go. No more post-nup."

"Or the man on the other side of the bed."

Gabrielle flips the covers open to allow Carlos into the bed.

Church

Members of the congregation leave the church.

"The companion can be a mother with good intentions..."

Bree exits the church reaches to shake Reverend Sikes’ hand.

Bree: "Thank you for a wonderful service, Reverend."
Reverend Sikes: "Thank you so much, Bree."

Bree turns to Andrew behind her.

"Or a child who's up to no good."

Andrew smiles at the Reverend.

Andrew: "Very inspirational."

The Reverend, looking worried, turns to watch Andrew walk away.

Susan’s House

The front door opens. Susan comes out and walks to her mail box. She stops to stare at Mike across the street going to his mail box. Mike stops as he sees Susan.

"Still, despite our best intentions, some of us will lose our companions along the way. And then the journey becomes unbearable."

Cemetery

Noah walks slowly to a stone bench and sits down. All the while looking a picture of his beloved daughter, Deirdre.

"You see, human beings are designed for many things, but loneliness isn't one of them."

~ The End ~

This spoiler episode was compiled and completed on April 30, 2005 by Amanda Lane (desperate_housewives at yahoo dot com), Wayne Manuel, and Lucy.
Last Update: July 9, 2005

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