This was typed by Royce, Wayne Manuel, and Amanda, mere humans, and mistakes are possible. If you find any, no matter how trivial, please let me know. (desperate_housewives at yahoo dot com)

In the interest of finishing the transcripts faster, screen caps will not be placed on the transcripts until further notice. You can find screen caps at the following websites:
Desperate Housewives
Wisteria Lane
The Suburbs

If you know of any other screen caps sites, please e-mail them to me: (desperate_housewives at yahoo dot com)

Guest stars
"Tom Scavo" - Doug Savant
"Andrew Van De Kamp" - Shawn Pyfrom
"Felicia Tilman" - Harriet Sansom Harris
"Detective Burnett" - Brett Cullen
"Mr. Steinberg" - Mark L. Taylor
"The Counselor" - Joel McKinnon Miller
"Milly" - Linda Hart
"Sophie Bremmer" - Lesley Ann Warren
"Morty" - Bob Newhart
"Preston Scavo" - Brent Kinsman
"Porter Scavo" - Shane Kinsman
"Parker Scavo" - Zane Huett
"Detective Beckerman" - John Lacy
"Ashley Bukowski" - Emily Christine
"Pedicurist #1" - Hira Ambrosino
"Pedicurist #2" - Alice Lo
"Woman #1" - Sandy Martin
"Woman #2" - Rochelle Robinson

Written by: Kevin Murphy
Directed by: Larry Shaw

"There were many things Gabrielle Solis knew for certain. She knew red was her color. She knew diamonds went with everything and she knew men were all the same. But the one thing Gabrielle knew above all else...she would never want children. Unfortunately for Gabrielle, her husband, Carlos, felt differently."

In bed, Gabrielle puts lotion on her hands while Carlos reads.

Gabrielle: "I'm so lucky to have you."
Carlos: "Okay, I'll bite. Why are you so lucky?"
Gabrielle: "Because I don't want to have kids and you do."
Carlos: "Oh, that."
Gabrielle: "Most men would leave over something like that and you're still here. I'm grateful. I know the sacrifice you're making."
Carlos: "There’s still a little part of me that’s hoping to change your mind. Once you had a baby, I think that you would love it so much that-"
Gabrielle: "Honey, it’s not going to happen."
Carlos: "You never know."
Gabrielle: "No, sometimes you do."
Carlos: "Well, it is a sacrifice. But you're worth it."

Gabrielle leans over and begins kissing Carlos.

"Yes, Gabrielle Solis knew without a doubt she didn't want to be a mother, but what she couldn't know was just how much her husband wanted to be a father, or that he'd been tampering with her birth control for months. Or that within one week’s time, she'd be pregnant."

Credits

"Saturdays on Wisteria Lane belonged to the children, and while most would spend the day practicing their sports and riding their bikes, and jumping their ropes, others were no longer engaged in child’s play. Indeed some children were being forced to grow up very quickly."

Paul's House, Outside

Zach rakes leaves in the front yard while two men in suits talk with Paul on the front steps.

Detective: "Sorry to bother you on a weekend. We just have a few questions for you."
Paul: "About what?"
Detective: "Twelve years ago your late wife purchased a toy chest."
Paul: "Toy chest?"
Detective: "Yeah, it was about this big, had little dancing bears on it."
Paul: "Gosh, I'm sorry."
Detective #2: "The craftsman who makes these chests keeps a list of customers. Apparently you purchased one in August nineteen ninety-two."
Detective: "Yeah, we'd like to know where that chest is now."
Paul: "Wow, I, um, I wish I could help you. I don't recall any toy chest."
Zach: "I remember. Yeah it had little bears and balloons on it, right?"
Detective: "Yes, son, that’s right."
Zach: "Yeah, we threw that chest away when I was little. I was standing on it and it just busted. Remember, dad?"
Paul: "Vaguely."
Detective: "I guess that’s all, then. Thank you both for your time."
Zach: "Hey. What’s the deal with this chest anyway?"
Detective: "The one just like you had washed up on Torch Lake. It had a woman in it."
Zach: "A woman?"
Detective: "She was all chopped up."

They leave. Zach looks at Paul.

Paul: "Obviously, we need to talk."

They go inside and in the next yard over, Felicia Tilman stands there with gardening shears, watching them.

Zach: "You lied to me. You said there was a man in the box."
Paul: "No, I didn't lie."
Zach: "Well, the policeman said that it was a woman’s body. Of course you were lying."
Paul: "I told you a private detective had come to take you away from us. I never said it was a man."
Zach: "You didn't?"
Paul: "No."
Zach: "Well I thought that-"
Paul: "No."
Zach: "No, stop, please just stop, I know that you're lying to me. I know that you're lying."
Paul: "For the last time. Someone came and tried to take you away from us."
Zach: "Yes, a woman. A woman came."
Paul: "Yes, she tried to steal you. From the only family that you've ever really known. And we couldn't let that happen, and we didn't. And that is the truth."

Bree's House

Bree packs up a large care package box.

Rex: "We can't cancel now. It’s two days away."
Bree: "Rex, I'm not going. That’s all there is to it."
Rex: "Counseling is part of the treatment at Camp Hennessey. You knew that."
Bree: "Nowhere in that brochure did it say that we were expected to attend."
Rex: "Well, what is Andrew going to think if you don't show up?"
Bree: "Well, I am making him his care package. I mean he'll know that I'm thinking about him."
Rex: "Why are you putting in lemon squares? They told us not to send him sweets."
Bree: "Well, I don't understand why."
Rex: "I guess they feel baked goods from mom undercut the boot camp experience."
Bree: "Fine. I won't send them, but I think it’s a stupid rule."
Rex: "So, are you going to this thing or not?"
Bree: "No."
Rex: "Why?"
Bree: "Because the minute I get there, Andrew will start attacking me for abandoning him, and I don't want to hear it."
Rex: "There’s no reason to feel guilty, you know. You did everything you could for him."
Bree: "I don't feel guilty."
Rex: "Okay."

Rex walks off and Bree puts the lemon squares back in the box before taping it up.

Lynette's House

Lynette, in a dress with curlers in her hair, is on the phone while holding baby Penny. Parker kneels on a chair, methodically picking the flowers off of a bunch of daisies in a vase.

Lynette: "Please Christy, there is no way that I can get another baby-sitter this late in the day. Parker knock it off."
Parker: "No."
Lynette (on the phone): "Because, I'm having drinks with friends I used to work with and they never call and if I blow them off, that’s it. It's just, I'm dead to them. No, I can't call Patty Binks. Because she steals things. Dammit, Christy you're thirteen-years-old. You've got a lot of trips to the mall ahead of you. Okay, okay, I'm sorry, I'm sorry I raised my voice. I'm calm. So I'm starting to think that this is about money. So what is it that'll make it worth your while? A hundred? Well that’s extortion. There’s no way in hell that I'm going to-hello? Hello? Parker I swear I will spank you. Knock it off."

She dials another number.

Lynette: "Hi, Mrs. Binks. Is Patty there? Thank you."

Gabrielle's House

Gabrielle walks into the house, with shopping bags, and finds Carlos and Mr. Steinberg, the lawyer from the hospital, in the living room.

Gabrielle: "Hi honey, I'm back."
Carlos: "Hey sweetie. This is Mr. Steinberg, the attorney from the hospital."
Gabrielle: "Oh, have we met?"
Mr. Steinberg: "Yes, Mrs. Solis. We've met."
Carlos: "Don't you remember? It was after mama died. Apparently, the hospital was negligent, and agreed to a seven-figure settlement check. A check I was never told about."
Gabrielle: "Oh, that. Uh, Mr. Steinberg?"
Mr. Steinberg: "I was just leaving."

He leaves, but not after sending a meaningful glance at Carlos.

Carlos: "What were you thinking?"
Gabrielle: "Wait, just let me explain."
Carlos: "No, why the hell didn't you tell me?"
Gabrielle: "Because I couldn't trust you to make the right decision."
Carlos: "No, the right decision was to use that money for my lawyers. We could've bought the indictment and then I wouldn’t've had to take the plea bargain."
Gabrielle: "If you didn't take the plea deal, the government would've seized the settlement."
Carlos: "Oh, we could've bought that in court."
Gabrielle: "Exactly, and then you would've blown all the money on the lawyers."
Carlos: "Who cares? If there was a chance that I'd have to go to jail!"
Gabrielle: "You had Laotian convicts sewing casual wear for two cents an hour. Don't you think you deserve a time-out?"
Carlos: "Eight months. Thanks to you I'm going away for eight months."
Gabrielle: "And when you get out, we're gonna have money to start over with, thanks to me. You know, once you calm down you're gonna realize I did the right thing. And when that happens, I'll appreciate an apology."

She goes upstairs.

Susan's House

Susan sits at the kitchen table, painting in a picture of a bear while Julie takes something out of the refrigerator.

The sound of squealing tires is heard, then a crash. Julie looks out the kitchen window. A woman gets out of a car that has crashed into Mike's SUV.

Julie: "Grandma’s here."

Susan joins Julie at the sink and they watch as the woman, obviously distraught, inspects the damage. Mike also gets out of his car to see the damage.

Susan: "Now that is just perfect. Stay put."

She goes outside.

Sophie: "I am so sorry."
Susan: "Hey, mom."
Sophie: "Oh, hey Suzie. I goofed."
Susan: "What happened?"
Sophie: "Oh, you know me, no depth perception whatsoever. This time they even issued me a license."
Mike: "So you're Susan’s mom?"
Sophie: "Yeah, I'm Sophie Bremmer. And you are?"
Mike: "Mike Delfino."
Sophie: "Oh, you're Mike? Oh my god, Susan’s told me so much about you. don't just stand there. Give me a hug."
Susan: "Mom, um, Mike and I aren't together anymore."
Sophie: "Oh, I'm sorry. I guess I just made this pretty awkward, huh?"
Susan: "Yeah, you, you really did. So let’s just call the insurance company."
Sophie: "Okay. Well, it’s nice meeting you anyway, Mike."
Mike: "You too, and I never would've guessed that you were Susan’s mom."
Sophie: "I know, I look too young. I got pregnant when I was a tiny teenager."
Susan: "Okay."
Sophie: "It was the first time I got drunk ever. Can you believe it?"
Susan: "Let’s go."
Sophie: "Her father was a marine. Afterwards he gave me three of his medals."
Susan: "Mom!"
Sophie: "What?"
Susan: "Let’s just go inside and call the insurance company."
Sophie: "All right."
Susan: "And what are you smiling about?"
Mike: "I used to have all these questions about how you got to be the way you are. They were all just answered."

Bree's House, Outside

Bree goes to her mailbox and takes out her mail. When she turns back around, she sees Lynette, dressed up, pushing baby Penny's carriage, and all three boys behind her. Bree quickly tries to hurry back in the house, but Lynette stops her.

Lynette: "Hi. Hi."
Bree: "Hi, what’s going on?"
Lynette: "Oh, um, my baby-sitter canceled."
Bree: "Oh, Lynette, I'm so swamped today. My house is a mess and I've got millions of errands to run so-"
Lynette: "Please, hear me out. This is important. Today I have a chance to rejoin the human race for a few hours. There are actual adults waiting for me with margaritas. Look. I'm in a dress, I have make-up on."
Bree: "If it were any other day-"
Lynette: "Oh. for god’s sake, Bree. I'm wearing pantyhose."
Bree: "Bring 'em in."
Lynette: "Thank you, thank you. Okay, in you go."

Susan's House

Sophie cooks on the stove while Susan brings out vegetables to chop.

Susan: "And then the police showed me his mug shots."
Sophie: "No!"
Susan: "Yes. Mike served time for selling drugs and man slaughter."
Sophie: "I can't believe it."
Susan: "Well, it’s true."
Sophie: "He has such a nice manners, you know?"
Susan: "I know."
Sophie: "Suzie, I don't want you worrying too much about this Mike thing. The right man will come along. Just give it time."
Susan: "I think I would've given up entirely if it weren't for you and Morty."
Sophie: "Morty?"
Susan: "Yeah, you know. It's the third time around for both of you and you're really clicking. Ah. It gives me hope. What’s wrong?"
Sophie: "Nothing, nothing. Um, I'm just, um, tired."
Susan: "You're not tired. You took a nap. What is it?"
Sophie: "I left Morty."
Susan: "What? Why?"
Sophie: "Because he shoved me."
Susan: "Morty? No."
Sophie: "You think I'm lying? Ah! Fine."
Susan: "Why would he shove you?"
Sophie: "Because I confronted him. About how much time he’s spending at the damn pancake restaurant. If that’s where he’s really been."
Susan: "Oh, you can't be serious. Morty?"
Sophie: "You think men his age don't have needs? You should see the waitresses he hires. Every year, they get younger and younger."
Susan: "Maybe you just feel that way because every year you get older and older."
Sophie: "Well, that’s a horrible thing to say."
Susan: "I'm sorry."
Sophie: "I'm not that old."
Susan: "I said I was sorry."
Sophie: "People think we're sisters."
Susan: "Well, that’s 'cause you tell them that."
Sophie: "One time. You've got to let go of that."
Susan: "Okay look, I am just saying that I don't think Morty cheated on you."
Sophie: "Well, he did shove me. The least you could do is be supportive."
Susan: "You're right. You're right."
Sophie: "He also threw a book at me."
Susan: "Oh, come on! I mean, he shouldn't have done that."
Sophie: "Thank you."

Bree's House

Preston and Parker sit at Bree's table, furiously scribbling with crayons on coloring books. Porter stands near a table with freshly-baked cookies on it and reaches for one.

Bree: "Porter, honey, those cookies are hot. Just wait a few minutes and then I'll give you one when they're cool, okay? You know, pictures are prettier if you color inside the lines. Well, art is subjective. Porter, what did I tell you?"
Porter: "But I'm hungry."
Bree: "Well, then, I will fix you a very nice bowl of peaches and cottage cheese."
Porter: "Ew, barf."
Bree: "Don't be common, young man. Now come on. If you play around with those cookies one more time I'm gonna have to spank you."
Preston: "We don't get spanked."
Bree: "Really?"
Porter: "Mommy always says she’s gonna, but she never does."
Bree: "Well, I am not your mommy, and if you misbehave in my house, you will get spanked. So be good."

She leaves the three boys at the table and goes over to Penny. Porter gets up and goes to the cookies again, this time knocking them over.

Porter: "It was an accident."
Bree: "Porter, I warned you."
Porter: "I'm sorry. I'll be good."
Bree: "Those cookies were made from scratch. Your fate is sealed. Come here."
Porter: "No, no!"

She brings him over to a chair. She sits down, pulls him face-down on her lap and begins spanking him.

Porter: "Ow! Ow! Ow!"

Parker and Preston, watching from the table, are shocked.

Gabrielle's House

Gabrielle is giving herself a pedicure when Carlos walks into the living room and tosses a piece of paper in front of her.

Gabrielle: "What’s that?"
Carlos: "It’s called a post nuptial agreement. It’s a legal document that-"
Gabrielle: "No I know what a post-nup is. What is it doing on my coffee table?"
Carlos: "Well, I can forgive that stunt you pulled with the settlement check...if I'm sure that you'll really going to be around when I get out of jail."
Gabrielle: "And the post-nup changes the terms of the pre-nup. So..."
Carlos: "So if you try to divorce me while I'm gone, you get nothing."
Gabrielle: "You don't trust me?"
Carlos: "I'm afraid not."
Gabrielle: "Well, that’s too bad, because I'm not signing that piece of paper."
Carlos: "You're a very beautiful woman, Gabrielle, but you're not very bright. You see, if you don't sign it, I'll pull the plug on the settlement agreement, divorce you, and then you get what amounts to about fifty percent of our current savings, which is basically nothing."
Gabrielle: "So, what do you expect to happen right now, Carlos? Sign the paper and jump right back into your arms?"
Carlos: "It doesn't mean that I don't love you. You know how I think you're the perfect woman?"
Gabrielle: "Oh, but I'm not. I have flaws."
Carlos: "Flaws?"
Gabrielle: "Hmm hmm. I'm gonna give you an example. Remember the time when you were in jail and you told me about your secret compartment? And you told me to burn the papers that I found in there? Well, me being pretty and therefore, stupid, I forgot."
Carlos: "You didn't burn the papers?"
Gabrielle: "Worse. I read them."
Carlos: "Okay, okay."
Gabrielle: "You have some nerve talking to me about trust when you have a secret bank account in the Cayman Islands."
Carlos: "That was a safety net for both of us."
Gabrielle: "I'll bet."
Carlos: "Have you told anyone else about this?"
Gabrielle: "No, but I could. Hey, isn't that why the prosecution didn't have a case against you? They couldn't find the profits you made. So if I were you, Carlos, I wouldn't mention the words divorce, trust, post-nup ever again. You don't want to piss me off."

She starts to walk off. Carlos grabs a vase and throws it against the wall, where it shatters.

Gabrielle: "I know, baby. It hurts to lose."

Lynette's House

Gabrielle, Susan, Bree, Lynette, and Sophie are sitting around the kitchen table, playing cards. Susan deals.

Susan: "Ante up."
Sophie: "Well, look at me. Finally in on one of your legendary poker parties. Susan’s always telling me how much fun you girls have."
Susan: "Well, the rules are simple. We play for cash. The dealer picks the game and unsubstantiated gossip is encouraged."
Sophie: "Ah!"
Lynette: "Bree, thanks again for watching my boys. You're sure they weren't too much to handle?"
Bree: "Oh no, we had a wonderful time. Although I think Porter had a little less fun. Okay I'll bet."
Gabrielle: "So Sophie, Susan says you guys are going to a spa tomorrow. Is that an all-day thing?"
Lynette: "What do you mean Porter had less fun? I'll raise."
Bree: "Well, he was misbehaving so I had to punish him."
Sophie: "So yes, Susan is treating me to an entire day of beauty-"
Lynette: "So, when you say punishment what exactly are we talking about?"
Bree: "Oh, I had to spank him. Okay, I will re-raise."
Lynette: "You spanked my son?"
Sophie: "Las Breesa’s Spa. Yup, that’s where we're going."
Bree: "Lynette, is there a problem?"
Lynette: "Tom and I don't believe in hitting our kids. I thought you knew that."
Bree: "Sorry, I didn't know. It won't happen again. Of course, I'm somewhat surprised you don't spank them. I mean everybody knows they're a little bit out of control."
Susan: "Wow, I am just dragging today. Should we put on another pot of coffee?"
Gabrielle: "Yeah, I'll do it."
Sophie: "I'll, I'll fold."
Lynette: "Yeah, you're right Bree. I've got a lot to learn about parenting, and I feel so blessed to be getting sage advice from such an impeccable mother like you. I mean your kids turned out perfect, as long as you don't call Andrew. Where is he again, hmm? Some kind of a boot camp for juvenile delinquents."
Susan: "Okay, girls."
Bree: "I never said I was perfect."
Gabrielle: "Oh, honey, nobody’s blaming you."
Lynette: "The hell I'm not."
Susan: "Lynette."
Bree: "If you will excuse me."

She leaves.

Gabrielle: "Lynette, will you go after her?"
Lynette: "She spanked my son. I'm not apologizing."

She leaves.

Susan: "Usually poker is more fun than this."

Lynette's House

Lynette and Tom get ready for bed.

Lynette: "So help me, if you don't back me up on this, I will lose it."
Tom: "Yes, Bree shouldn't have spanked Porter, but it’s not like she hurt him."
Lynette: "That is not the point. You don't spank other people’s children."
Tom: "He was misbehaving. She had to do something. But make no mistake, she definitely crossed the line."
Lynette: "Yeah, you're damn right she did. She could've tried something else, like a timeout or she could've simply threatened to spank him."
Tom: "Yeah, because that works out so well when we do it."
Lynette: "It does work. It does work most of the time."
Tom: "It used to work. They've figured out it’s an empty threat. They're onto us."
Lynette: "My mom used to beat the hell out of my sisters and me, and I won't do it. I will not become my mother."
Tom: "Fine, but the boys are getting older and smarter and eventually, believe me, eventually, they're going to figure out that they out number us and then..."
Lynette: "We're screwed."
Tom: "Exactly."

Paul's House, Nighttime

Zach sits on the porch, playing guitar, while Felicia Tilman removes groceries from her car.

Felicia: "Excuse me, Zachary, would you mind helping me with these bags? There’s some banana bread in it for you if you do."
Zach: "Uh, yeah, sure."

Felicia's House

Zach sits at the table, eating banana bread, with a glass of milk in front of him.

Zach: This is really good, Mrs. Tilman. Thanks a lot."
Felicia: "You're welcome, Zachary."
Zach: "You know, I've never actually been in Mrs. Huber’s house before."
Felicia: "Obviously you haven't missed much. This is the place where good taste goes to die. So I heard you and your father arguing the other day. Everything all right at home?"
Zach: "Yeah. We just have problems sometimes."
Felicia: "I bet you miss your mother. I'm sure things were different when she was alive. Such a warm, loving woman."
Zach: "You knew my mother?"
Felicia: "Yup. Years ago in Utah. We worked together."
Zach: "I didn't know that."
Felicia: "It’s true. In fact, I'll tell you a secret. I once met you when you were a little baby."
Zach: "Really."
Felicia: "Mmm hmm. Your mother loved you so much, Zachary. Of all the things I remember, I remember that the most."

Zach starts to cry and Felicia gently removes the banana bread from his hand and gives him a napkin.

Felicia: "You want to know what else I remember? How lovely your original name was."
Zach: "Dana."

She smiles and nods very slightly.

Spa

Sophie and Susan are seated in leather chairs, getting calf massages. They each have on a spa robe and their hair is twisted up in a towel.

Sophie: "Isn't this nice? Just the two of us girls hanging out, getting pretty. Ah, thank you."
Susan: "My pleasure. So I was thinking maybe you should call Morty. You know, get started working things out."
Sophie: "Why would I want to work things out with a man who abuses me?"

The women massaging them gasp.

Susan: "Oh you don't have to gasp. My mother exaggerates."
Sophie: "She won't be happy, 'til I have bruises."
Susan: "Okay, um. Can we just focus? What I want to know is, have you thought about what’s gonna happen if you don't go back to Morty?"
Sophie: "What do you mean?"
Susan: "Well, you don't have a place to live, you don't like to work, you didn't want to marry Morty so he doesn't have to pay you alimony. It's just, if you don't go back to this man who allegedly shoved you once in five years, what are your options?"
Sophie: "I thought I could live with you."
Susan: "What?"

Susan, in reflex, kicks out, hitting the masseuse in the nose. She cries out loudly in pain.

Susan: "Oh god. Are you all right?"
Masseuse: "You kicked me!"
Susan: "Oh I'm so sorry. I was startled. Here, here, lean your head back."
Sophie: "I'm not saying permanently. Just for a couple of years."
Masseuse: "You broke my nose."
Susan: "No, no, it’s just banged a little."
Sophie: "Till I get back on my feet."
Susan: "Mom, can we talk about this later?"
Masseuse #2: "Should we call nine-one-one?"
Susan: "No, just a nose bleed. She’s fine."
Sophie: "I thought you'd be excited by the idea."
Susan: "It’s not that I'm not excited."
Sophie: "I'm not stupid, Susan. It’s obvious you don't want me here."
Susan: "No that’s not true. Mom don't go. Mom come back. You know I need to-we’re good, right?"
Masseuse: "Just go."

Outside

Gabrielle jogs down the street and stops when she sees John also jogging. He stops and they stare at each other from across the street. He starts to cross the street towards her, but she holds up her hands to stop him. He mouths "What?" at her, but obediently stays on his side of the street. Gabrielle starts jogging again. John watches her go.

Bree's House

Bree sits near the bed, looking at outfits lying on the bed.

Rex: "Why aren't you dressed yet?"
Bree: "I wanted to wear Andrew’s favorite color, and then I realized that...I don't know what it is."
Rex: "Oh honey, I think the fact that you decided to come at all will make him happy."
Bree: "Yours is blue, Danielle loves pink, and I have no idea what my own son’s favorite color is."
Rex: "I'm telling you, it doesn't matter."
Bree: "How can you say that it doesn't matter? Of course it matters."
Rex: "Bree."
Bree: "That is what makes a good mother. Someone who knows their child inside and out, so that if they get in trouble, they know what to do. I don't know him well enough."
Rex: "You are a good mother."
Bree: "Brown or green. I just don't know."
Rex: "I'm gonna wait in the car. Whenever you're ready."
Bree: "Green. I'll go with green. Everybody loves green."

Gabrielle's House

Gabrielle sits at the table, reading a magazine. Carlos walks up behind her and puts the post-nup on her magazine.

Gabrielle: "I told you. I'm not signing this."
Carlos: "Oh, I think you are. Because if you don't, I will divorce you."
Gabrielle: "Then I'll go to the police."
Carlos: "And tell them what? There’s a secret bank account in the Cayman Islands that no longer exists?"
Gabrielle: "You moved the money?"
Carlos: "Of course, I moved the money."
Gabrielle: "Well, that was risky. I mean, the feds are watching you right now."
Carlos: "I had to do something. I couldn't just let you make a fool out of me."

Gabrielle turns to run and Carlos chases after her. He grabs her and picks her up, carrying her to the table.

Gabrielle: "Stop, Carlos stop it! Put me down!"
Carlos: "Okay."

He deposits her in the chair, positions the paper in front of her and forcibly grabs her hand, putting the pen in it.

Gabrielle: "Let me go. Ah! Stop! you're hurting me. Carlos!"

He clamps onto her hand with one hand and holds onto her chin with the other.

Carlos: "Sign it. SIGN IT!"

Crying, Gabrielle signs the paper. He lets her go and takes the paper, walking over to the entrance of the living room. He leans against the wall.

Carlos: "I know baby. It hurts to lose."

She storms out of the house.

Camp Hennessey

Dozens of boys engage in carrying large duffel bags on their backs, or running, while Bree and Rex sit at a small picnic table that's been set up with coffee and snacks.

A man comes up to them.

Director: "Mr. And Ms. Van De Kamp?"
Bree: "Um, yes. Is it our turn?"
Director: "Well, sort of. Andrew is waiting inside but, um..."
Rex: "What’s wrong?"
Director: "Well, he said he won't go forward with the session if his mother’s involved. He only wants to talk to his dad."
Rex: "We drove two hundred miles to be here today. This is unacceptable."
Director: "I share your frustration."
Rex: "All right. To hell with him then. We're going home."
Bree: "No."
Rex: "I am not gonna let him insult you like this."
Bree: "He blames me for his being here. He blames me for everything, and he’s probably right."
Rex: "Any mistakes made were made by both of us."
Bree: "One of us should go talk to him, see how he is. I'm okay."
Rex: "Are you sure?"
Bree: "Yeah. I'm fine."
Director: "Right this way."

Bree watches them enter a cabin with a sign on it that reads "Counseling Center." When the door is opened and Rex enters, Andrew is right there and Bree watches as he hugs Rex. He catches sight of Bree. She waves to him and he closes the door.

Lynette's House

The three boys are in the bathroom, giggling over the toilet.

Parker: "Mom! Mom!"
Lynette: "Yeah, yeah, I'm coming. What is it? Why aren't you guys brushing your teeth?"

She looks in the toilet and sees a red toothbrush floating in it.

Lynette: "Parker, what happened?"
Parker: "Porter pushed me and it fell in."
Porter: "He pushed me first."
Preston: "Can I flush it?"
Lynette: "No, no, I'll fish it out later all right? You're off the hook for tonight, but not you two, so start brushing."

Porter and Parker walk to the sink, but Preston stays behind.

Lynette: "Preston, did you not hear me? I said start brushing your teeth."

Preston opens up the lid of the toilet and grins.

Lynette: "What are you doing?"

Preston holds his toothbrush over the toilet.

Lynette: "Don't you dare."
Porter and Parker: "Do it, do it, do it."
Lynette: "Preston, don't listen to them. Back away from the toilet and no one gets hurt. I mean it this time. These are not just words. If you do this, so help me..."

"Hearing the hollowness of her own voice Lynette realized that it was time to get one step ahead."

Lynette: "I will walk you over to Mrs. Van De Kamp’s and we all know what happens when she gets mad."

Preston's grin disappears and he quickly lowers the toilet bowl lid.

Lynette: "Now, go brush your teeth and I want 'em to sparkle. Go on."

Camp Hennessey

Two women sit at the next table over from Bree, smoking and drinking coffee.

Woman: "Sorry you had to bring your kid back. What happened this time?"
Woman #2: "Well, a couple months back I caught Doug going through my purse."
Woman: "Oh, I hate when they do that. Was he looking for weed or money?"
Woman#2: "Oh, who knows at this point? Anyway I knocked a couple back, and things got heated and pretty soon we're both screaming and throwing stuff around the apartment. Next thing you know the lady upstairs calls the cops on us."
Woman: "Oh, gimme a break."
Woman#2: "So, now I got some social worker trying to tell me how to raise my boy."
Woman: "Kids. Boy, if I knew then what I know now, I would've had that hysterectomy twenty years ago."

Bree stares at them, the purposefully takes her purse and walks into the Counseling Center.

Rex: "Uh. Bree."
Bree: "Don't get up. I'll be quick. Andrew, all any parent can do is try to provide their child with the tools to succeed in life. Education, love, a good clean safe home. Well, I have given you those things and I am through feeling guilty, so if you want to piss your life away and blame it on how horrible things are at home you go ahead, but I want it stated for the record that I am a good mother. Do you hear me? I am a good mother."
Rex: "Bree, Andrew just told me he thinks he might be gay."
Bree: "What?"
Rex: "That’s why he wanted me to come in first. He thought I could take it better."
Bree: "Well, he was right. I will be waiting in the car."

She leaves.

John's Apartment

There's a knock on the door and when John opens it, Gabrielle is there.

John: "Mrs. Solis? What are you doing here?"

She pushes him against the wall and kisses him.

John: "Okay."
Gabrielle: "Are your roommates here?"
John: "No. Are you okay?"
Gabrielle: "Yeah."

He sees the bruise on her arm.

John: "What’s this?"
Gabrielle: "That, uh, Carlos just got a little rough. He needed me to sign some papers."
John: "He hurt you?"
Gabrielle: "John? What are you doing?"
John: "I'm gonna take care of this."
Gabrielle: "No, you're not gonna do anything."
John: "No, we're not gonna let him get away with this."
Gabrielle: "Look, you really want to get back at him? Then kiss me."
John: "How’s that gonna help?"
Gabrielle: "Because, one day when the time is right, we're gonna tell him how he drove me right into your arms, and that’s gonna kill him. And tonight, just whatever you do, don't call me beautiful."

They kiss.

Pancake Restaurant

Susan walks into the restaurant. A waitress notices her.

Milly: "Oh, Morty, look who's here."
Susan: "Hey Milly, hi Morty."
Morty: "Hey Suzie. What brings you here?"
Susan: "Mom. I brought her over."

She motions to the parking lot, where Sophie is pacing in front of the car.

Morty: "What’s she doing out there?"
Susan: "She says she won't come in until you go out and apologize to her."
Morty: "For, for what?"
Susan: "For shoving her."
Morty: "I only shoved her 'cause she wouldn't stop hitting me."
Susan: "Why was she hitting you?"
Morty: "I threw a book at her."
Susan: "Morty!"
Morty: "It was, it was a paperback."
Susan: "Well, even so."
Morty: "Well, at least I missed. She hit me swear on the gut. Want to see the bruise?"
Susan: "That’s okay. That’s okay."
Morty: "It really hurt."
Susan: "Yeah, I understand. So, could you, uh, just go out and apologize?"
Morty: "No."
Susan: "Why?"
Morty: "Because I don't want her back."
Susan: "Morty!"
Morty: "Look, I love her, but the Pancake Shack is just starting to take off. We were talking about opening another one. I mean, that’s practically a chain. I don't have time for her hysterics."
Susan: "Yeah, I sympathize I really do, but you have to take her back."
Morty: "Why?"
Susan: "Because she wants to move in with me."
Morty: "Oh."
Susan: "Morty, I'd like to have a relationship again, and at my age, with a kid, I mean if she moves into my house, even for a couple years, I'm doomed."
Morty: "Wasn't there a plumber? Your mother said you were in love with a plumber."
Susan: "I am. I mean, I was. It didn't work out."
Morty: "I'm sorry."
Susan: "If she moves in, she will burn up all my oxygen and I need it. Please, can't you give her another chance? You guys are really good together. You know? When there’s no violence."
Morty: "Well, we do have chemistry."
Susan: "Absolutely."
Morty: "And the you know, sex was like, wow. I mean, there was this one time, we were coming home on the interstate."
Susan: "You don't have to sell me. Go, just go talk to her. Now."
Morty: "Okay."

He walks out there and Susan sighs.

Milly: "That was a mighty big sigh."
Susan: "I just keep thinking it’s coming, Milly, and I can't stop it."
Milly: "What’s that?"
Susan: "The day my mother will need to move in with me and I won't have a choice. I know it's years away."

From behind Susan, in the parking lot, Morty and Sophie start arguing and Sophie starts hitting Morty.

Susan: "She’s youthful and vibrant, thank god, but time flies. One day she won't be able to take care of herself anymore and I'll have to step up."
Milly: "I suppose that’s true."
Susan: "I think it’s nature’s little joke. The children ultimately end up parenting their parents. Well when that day comes, I'll be ready."
Milly: "Honey, you'd better get out there."
Morty: "Ouch, stop it."

Susan runs out after them.

Lynette's House, Outside

The three boys play with Lynette and each other, while Tom watches the baby. Across the street, Bree comes out of her house. Lynette sees her and stops playing. Bree sees her and her step falters, then she continues to the mailbox.

They stare at each other across the street, then Bree starts walking up to her house. Lynette crosses the street.

Lynette: "Hey. Look, I just wanted to apologize."
Bree: "Lynette, don't. The fact that you just crossed that street means the world to me. And if anyone here should apologize, it’s me."
Lynette: "Thank you. Looks like Tom's got the mob under control. Want to have some coffee? Sit around, bitch about our kids?"
Bree: "I would love to."
Lynette: "Okay."

Today, they walk towards Lynette's house.

"Children come into the world with their own agendas. Some to brighten our days..."

Tom, feeding baby Penny, throws back his head and laughs.

Lynette's House, Inside

"Some to test our patience..."

As Bree and Lynette drink coffee at the table, the three boys play inside and knock some books over. Lynette buries her head in her hands and Bree strokes her arm.

Felicia's House

"Some to give us purpose..."

Zach looks through photo albums while Felicia sits next to him.

Susan's House

"Some to take care of us..."

Sophie sleeps on the couch, an open book in her hands. Susan comes over and closes the book.

Bree's House

Bree dusts in the living room and comes across a photo of Andrew.

"Yes, when they come children change everything."

John's Apartment

"Especially when they're not invited."

Gabrielle and John kiss in his bed, and she collapses on his chest, spent.

~ The End ~

This spoiler episode was compiled and completed on April 12, 2005 by Amanda Lane (desperate_housewives at yahoo dot com), Royce, and Wayne Manuel.
Last Update: July 9, 2005

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