Episode 01.15 - "Impossible" Mary Alice: "Bree Van De Kamp believed in old-fashioned values. Things like respect for God, the importance of family, and love of country. In fact, Bree believed so strongly in her values, it was always a shock whenever she was confronted with those who didn't." Bree: "Andrew is still a child." Rex: "He's sixteen. It's not unheard of." Bree: "Honey, you have to talk to him." Rex: "And tell him what?" Bree: "Tell him that we found his condom and that he is forbidden from - y'know." Rex: "I can absolutely tell him that we think he's too young, but I don't think it's gonna do any good." Bree: "Well, then the least we can do is go search his room and if we find any more of these, we'll confiscate them." Rex: "And that will accomplish what?" Bree: "Well, if we take away his condoms, maybe--" Rex: "He's a teenage boy. We could take away his penis. He'd still try to have sex." Gabrielle: "We know that you want to trust Mike, but he had a dead woman's jewelry in his garage." Susan: "Now did he? We don't know that for sure. All we know is that Lynette's kids turned up with it." Bree: "So what are you saying, that the twins murdered Martha?" Lynette: "Well, I wouldn't put it past them." Bree: "Well, you know what? If he is innocent, this should be a simple matter to clear up." Gabrielle: "But, we will do whatever you want us to do." Susan: "Okay, call." Bree: "So should I just dial nine one one?" Gabrielle: "Well, it's not really an emergency." Lynette: "It was a murder." Bree: "Well, not recently, and I'd prefer not to tie up the line." Justin: "I want to do you a favor." Gabrielle: "What kind of favor?" Justin: "Well, John says that you can't exactly afford a gardener right now, and I told him I'd be happy to do it. For free." Gabrielle: "You want to mow my lawn for free?" Justin: "Mow your lawn, water your flowers, trim your bushes. I could do everything John did for you." Gabrielle: "That's very generous of you, but I don't think so." Justin: "Why?" Gabrielle: "Because my husband is home quite a lot these days. If any bush needs trimming, he takes care of it." Justin: "Well, this is a very beautiful yard. I'm sure it could use a little extra attention." Gabrielle: "I'm flattered but no thank you." Justin: "Mrs. Solis, please." Gabrielle: "Did I mention why my husband's home a lot? He's under house arrest." Justin: "Oh?" Gabrielle: "He has a lot of anger toward the government right now and he's just dying to find someone to take it out on." Mike: "Susan! Hey, sexy, where you been? I called you twice. You avoiding me?" Susan: "Don't be silly. Why would I do that? No, I've just been really busy grocery shopping." Mike: "For two days? You must be pretty well stocked." Andrew: "So, get this. Zach Young is throwing a pool party Saturday night and he sent out a bunch of formal invitations complete with fancy lettering." Danielle: "I'm surprised he didn't spritz them with after shave." Bree: "What is wrong with nice invitations?" Andrew: "Mom, it's a pool party." Danielle: "Why couldn't he've just pass out fliers in the quad?" Andrew: "Because he's genetically incapable of being cool?" Bree: "But why on earth would you need a condom?" Danielle: "Because I'm planning on having sex and I don't want to get pregnant." Bree: "Danielle, you are president of the Abstinence Club." Danielle: "I wasn't planning on running for a second term." Lynette: "Hey! Don't look so glum. You're gonna get a hit." Tom: "It's not that. This is my hating Tim Doogan look." (in an announcer's voice) "Oh, Doogan connects. Look at the job-stealing bastard run. Doogan is really showing some of the glory-hounding, ass-kissing hustle that he is so well known for." Lynette: "I forgot how much fun you are when you're bitter." Julie: "Why do you hate Zach?" Susan: "I don't hate Zach. I just think he's sort of crazy." Julie: "Mom, I've heard people call you sort of crazy." Susan: "Well, I'm adorable crazy, and he's rampage crazy." Detective Copeland: "Do you remember seeing Mr. Delfino on the seventh of last month?" Susan: "Is the seventh important?" Detective Copeland: "Well, we believe it was the night that Martha Huber was murdered. She was last seen at the grocery store around nine and then she didn't show up for her dentist appointment the next morning." Susan: "What day was that?" Detective Copeland: "It was a Sunday." Susan: "Oh. Oh, my God, yes. Yes, yes, I was with Mike that night." Detective Copeland: "You're sure?" Susan: "Yes, I was. It was a big night for us, relationship-wise. It was the first time that we..." Detective Copeland: "The first time you...?" Julie: "Did it. The first time they did it." Susan: "Julie!" Julie: "Well, it was." Susan: "How did you know?" Julie: "I'm not clueless. I found men's boxers in the clothes hamper." Susan: "Oh, don't write that down. Oh, but this is good. You can let Mike go. He's innocent." Detective Copeland: "Well, assuming everything you're telling me is true." Julie: "It's true. The next morning she made pancakes in the shape of little hearts. Seriously. Little hearts." John: "Mrs. Van De Kamp." Bree: "Hello, John. I'm sorry to drop by on you, unannounced. Do you have a moment?" John: "Sure. So, what can I do for you?" Bree: "Well, I'll tell you. My daughter is planning on giving you her virginity and I would consider it a personal favor if you wouldn't take it." John: "Well, look. I'll talk to Danielle, and don't worry, I'll let her down gently." Bree: "Uh, actually, I would prefer if you didn't." John: "Huh?" Bree: "I know my daughter. She's very determined, and unless you're really firm with her, she's going to continue to think that there's hope." John: "Okay. I'll be firm." Bree: "Better still, be brutal." Mike: "How'd it go?" Susan: "It went just peachy, and humiliating, and shocking." Mike: "Susan..." Susan: "How could you? God, 'Susan do you trust me?' Yes, of course I do. Oh, I'm such an idiot, and you're such a liar. Oh, and apparently a killer, and a drug dealer. That's just quite a personal ad you've got going there." Mike: "Susan, I came to Wisteria Lane--" Susan: "Stop! Stop Mike, just stop. If you keep talking, you're gonna work your way into my heart and I just don't want you anywhere near my heart. Ever." Mary Alice: "Yes, each new day in suburbia brings with it a new set of lies. The worst are the ones we tell ourselves before we fall asleep. We whisper them in the dark, telling ourselves we're happy...or that he's happy...that we can change...or that he will change his mind. We persuade ourselves we can live with our sins...or that we can live without him. Yes. Each night before we fall asleep we lie to ourselves in a desperate, desperate hope that, come morning, it will all be true."