This was typed by Royce and Amanda, mere humans, and mistakes are possible. If you find any, no matter how trivial, please let me know. (desperate_housewives at yahoo dot com)

In the interest of finishing the transcripts faster, screen caps will not be placed on the transcripts until further notice. You can find screen caps at the following websites:
Desperate Housewives
Wisteria Lane
The Suburbs

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Guest stars

"Tom Scavo" - Doug Savant
"Felicia Tilman" - Harriet Sansom Harris
"Karen McCluskey" - Kathryn Joosten
"Dr. Goldfine" - Sam Lloyd
"Charles Skouras" - Jon Polito
"Yao Lin" - Lucille Soong
"Deirdre" - Jolie Jenkins
"Preston Scavo" - Brent Kinsman
"Porter Scavo" - Shane Kinsman
"Parker Scavo" - Zane Huett
"Doctor" - Timothy Davis-Reed
"Noah's Doctor" - J. David Krassner
"Nurse #1" - Roz Witt
"Nurse #2" - Carlease Burke
"Man at Mattress Stor" - Christopher Boyer
"Cosmetic Store Customer" - Kristina Lear
"Busboy" - Paul Nicholas
"Hostess" - Heather Salmon

Written by: Tom Spezialy
Directed by: Jeff Melman

Lynette's House

Lynette holds baby Penny up into the air, then brings her close, hugging her. As she turns, she sees her three boys hold up a box with red tissue paper and pink hearts glued haphazardly on it. They grin as they hold it towards her and she stares at it in confusion.

"Most mothers will tell you their children are a gift from god. Most mothers would also tell you that the gifts their children give them are less than heavenly."

Flashback to Lynette hanging up a drawing on the refrigerator, then turning to her boys, who are grinning.

"Lynette had suffered through art work made in kindergarten..."

Flashback to Lynette hanging on the wall a popsicle stick box, then turning to look at her boys, who grin at her.

"...spice racks made in summer camp..."

Flashback to Lynette putting on a homemade necklace.

"...and jewelry made at the scout jamboree. But this day, Lynette Scavo received a gift every mother dreams of."

In present time, Lynette opens the box the boys gave her and pulls out a potted plant, in a beautiful pot.

"One she wasn’t embarrassed to display."

Lynette: "Where did you guys get this pot?"
Twin: "We made it!"
Lynette: "Really? I love it. Well this is the nicest present you boys had ever given me, and you know what? I’m gonna put it out on the front porch so the whole neighborhood can enjoy it"

She sniffs the flowers. Cut to Lynette putting the pot on the front porch.

"Lynette knew she’d cherish the memory of that moment for the rest of her life. The memory of that moment was ruined the very next day."

The next day, Lynette looks out her window and sees an older woman looking at the pot. She picks it up, checks the bottom, and then walks off with it. Lynette runs out of the house after her.

Lynette: "Mrs. McCluskey, why are you taking my flower pot?"
Mrs. McCluskey: "Because it’s mine. Your boys stole it off of my porch."
Lynette: "No, no, no. My sons made that for me for Valentine's Day."
Mrs. McCluskey: "I bought this in Costa Rica on my last cruise. You see?"

She turns it upside down. The flowering plant falls with a thump onto the ground.

Mrs. McCluskey: "Still got the price tag on it."

She points to the price painted on the bottom.

Mrs. McCluskey: "Look. What? Nothing more to say? Cat got your tongue? You listen to me. Keep your brats off my property."

She walks off.

"Yes, most mothers will tell you their children are a gift from God."

Lynette turns back to her house, where her three boys are watching. When they catch her eye, they rush inside and close the door.

"Most mothers will also tell you there are some days when you wish you could return them."

Credits

Gabrielle's House

"It was the day before Valentine's Day and every man on Wisteria Lane was preparing for this most dangerous of holidays. While some purchased romantic cards..."

Carlos sits on a chair, signing his name to a card.

Bree's House

"...and some brought home candy and flowers..."

Rex walks quietly into the house, holding a large box of candy and flowers and quickly puts them in a hall closet.

Mike's House

"...and some made dinner reservations at fancy restaurants..."

Mike talks on the phone.

Lynette's House

"...others managed to forget about the day entirely. Again."

Tom walks past a calendar and notices that the date for Valentine's Day has been circled. He stares at it in panic, then rushes out the house and gets into his car.

"This flurry of activity was lost on the women of Wisteria Lane. They were busy learning a secret about their neighbors. A secret that was positively heart-breaking."

Gabrielle's House

The four women sit on Gabrielle's porch, sipping drinks.

Gabrielle: "So Paul said that Zachary killed Dana?"
Susan: "Yeah."
Bree: "Well, it must’ve been some sort of accident. I mean little boys don’t just kill their baby sisters."
Susan: "Well, whatever it was, that boy is seriously disturbed, and I've forbidden Julie from hanging out with him."
Lynette (to Bree): "Could you hold her?"

Lynette hands Bree baby Penny.

Lynette: "So this is it! This is the secret that Mary Alice was trying to protect"
Bree: "Look at the guilt that she must’ve lived with."
Gabrielle: "You know, I never thought I’d say this but I kind of feel sorry for Paul."
Susan: "I wish I could. I still feel like something’s not right."
Gabrielle: "What do you mean?"
Susan: "Well, we’ve all been in their house. Have you ever seen a picture of another kid there? I mean, why keep Dana’s baby blanket and throw out all the photos?"
Lynette: "That’s a good point."
Susan: "We’ve never answered why Mary Alice referred to herself as Angela in that therapy session."
Bree: "All I know is this: Mary Alice loved Zach more than anything in the world. When you love a child that much..."
Lynette: "You’re capable of doing all sorts of things."
Bree: "Yeah."

Paul's House

Paul slowly washes dishes in the sink when there's a knock the door and Felicia Tilman walks in holding a basket of flowers with balloons attached.

Felicia: "Hello. These were delivered to my house by mistake. May I? They’re for Mary Alice Young."
Paul: "Oh my god. I uh, had a standing order with the florist. I forgot to cancel it. Mary Alice was my wife. She passed away a few months ago."
Felicia: "I’m very sorry for your loss."
Paul: "And I’m sorry for yours."
Felicia: "Pardon?"
Paul: "Your sister. Martha?"
Felicia: "Oh, yes. Her."

She looks past Paul and sees a photo of Mary Alice and Zach on the wall.

Felicia: "Good lord, that’s Angela."
Paul: "What?"
Felicia: "Angela Forest! We worked together it Utah. It must be 15 years ago."
Paul: "I’m afraid you're mistaken. My wife’s name is Mary Alice and she’s never been to Utah."
Felicia: "Well, I could be mistaken. As I said it's, it's been years."

She leaves.

Gabrielle's House

Gabrielle tosses some earrings into a heart-shaped bowl as she talks on the phone.

Gabrielle: "No Mikki, you’re wrong. I wasn’t acting like a diva. I left the boat show because that coordinator was making passes at me. It’s not my fault."

She turns around and speaks to Yao Lin, who's scrubbing the floor behind her.

Gabrielle: "Yao Lin? You missed a spot. No, spare me the lecture and just book me another job quick. Carlos and I are up to our asses in bills and we can't pay them. Fine. Bye."

Yao Lin, still on her hands and knees, scrubbing the floor, begins talking in Chinese.

Yao Lin: "You got fired three times and you still think you are so wonderful."
Gabrielle: "What did you say?"
Yao Lin: "Nothing."
Gabrielle: "Are you gonna clean that spot?"
Yao Lin: "Which one?"
Gabrielle: "The one I told you to clean."
Yao Lin: "I'll get to it."
Gabrielle: "Clean it now."
Yao Lin: "Why?"
Gabrielle: "Because I said so."
Yao Lin: "Okay, but you’ve got to say please."
Gabrielle: "Fine. Please."

She turns back around and Yao Lin smiles.

Gabrielle: "Anything to get you back on your knees scrubbing where you belong."

Yao Lin stands up.

Yao Lin: "You are not better then me."
Gabrielle: "Excuse me?"
Yao Lin: "The only reason you have anything in your life is because you’re pretty. One day you’ll be old, and when that happens you’ll be nothing."
Gabrielle: "You are so fired."
Yao Lin: "No kidding."

She walks off.

Outside Mike's House

Hands open up an envelope and pull out a Valentine's Day card.

Susan: "Ooh. Valentine's Day card. It’s pretty."

Pull back to show Susan and Mike sitting on Mike's front steps. Mike holds the card with Susan looking over his shoulder.

Susan: "And meticulously hand painted. Whoever sent you that must really love you."

Mike opens the card. Inside it reads: "Dear Mike, Be Mine! Love, Susan ♥"

Susan: "...and be loaded with talent."
Mike: "It’s beautiful. Thanks."
Susan: "So we still on for tomorrow night?"
Mike: "Oh. Not only are we on, I got reservations at Le Petit Fleur."
Susan: "Ooh. That place is so pretentious. I’ve been dying to go there."

They laugh.

From across the street, they hear Lynette call out.

Lynette: "Boys! Get your little fannies inside. Guys?"
Susan: "Oh, poor Lynette. She doesn’t get a new nanny soon, she’s gonna implode."

Mike looks off to the side and then shushs Susan. He gets up and goes around the side of the house. He sees the the three boys, who are hiding next to the house.

Mike: "Hey guys. Who you hiding from?"
Twin: "Our mom. She wants to spank us."
Mike: "Why, did you do something bad?"

They all nod.

Mike: "Well, you know if you hide out too long she’ll get worried and then she’ll just get madder. You know what I say? Go on home, take your lumps. Decent chance you’ll have the rest of the day to play."

Susan, watching from the corner of the house, smiles.

The boys look convinced and nod.

Mike: "Come on, climb aboard. All right!"

One of the twins jumps on his back for a piggy-back ride, and the others follow. As he walks them past Susan, she comments.

Susan: "Pretty impressive."
Mike: "Oh, I love kids, Can’t wait to have my own some day."

Susan, following behind them, suddenly trips and falls to the ground.

Lynette's

At the kitchen table, Lynette moves three Valentine's Day cards off to the side and then begins laying down various objects: a thorny rose, a hard-backed hairbrush, a ping pong paddle, a metal spatula, a long metal ruler, and a belt.

Twin: "We don’t want to get spanked."
Twin: "Yeah, we promise we’ll be good."
Lynette: "Too late, you stole and then you lied. Even worse? You made me look bad in front of Mrs. McCluskey, who you know is mommy's sworn enemy. Time to pick your poison. How 'bout a belt? It’s a classic."

The boys shake their heads no.

Lynette: "Well, we could go with the old hickory stick. It’s a cliché, but it’s pretty effective. I know, we’ll go with the spatula. The holes give it less wind resistance. Moves faster."

The boys all shout out "No!" to her.

Lynette: "Guys, guys, guys, hey my hands are tied. Thieves get spanked. Just the way it works. Unless..."
Twin: "Unless what?"
Lynette: "For a first time offense, if you swear, cross your heart, that you will never, never steal again, and you write Mrs. McCluskey a letter of apology, I will let it slide."

The boys nod their heads vigorously and promise to swear. Lynette reaches down to the chair next to her and pulls out pads of paper and pens, which she hands to the boys.

Lynette: "All right, start with 'Dear Mrs. McCluskey.'"
Twin: "Mommy, why are you smiling?"
Lynette: "Do you know what physiological warfare means?"
Twin: "No."
Lynette: "Well, too bad for you. Okay, start with a big em, little see. Good."

Dr. Goldfine's Office

Bree stands by the window, playing with the necklace she's wearing.

Bree: "Rex and I are hosting a dinner party for ten next week. We’re using our best china and serving duck."
Dr. Goldfine: "So, you and Rex are a couple again?"
Bree: "Yes. You know that’s one of the things I hated most about our separation. Not being able to throw dinner parties. There’s just something so civilized and elegant about them, don’t you think?"
Dr. Goldfine: "I take it you’ve resolved your feelings about his infidelity?"
Bree: "Let’s just say that I put them in an imaginary box and don’t plan on looking at them for a while."
Dr. Goldfine: "Do you think that’s the healthiest way to achieve a reconciliation?"
Bree: "Well, it won't be easy at first. There’ll be a lot of forced smiles and perfunctory love making, but after a few decades whiz by I’m sure I’ll find a way to forgive him."
Dr. Goldfine: "Well, as long as you have a plan."
Bree: "I do want to forgive him Doctor Goldfine, but, there’s something he’s still not telling me."
Dr. Goldfine: "Really?"
Bree: "I think it has something to do with why he had the affair."
Dr. Goldfine: "Have you confronted him?"
Bree: "Once, and you should’ve seen the look in his eyes. He was terrified that I’d figure it out. You know what it is, don’t you?"
Dr. Goldfine: "Bree, I can't discuss other patients."
Bree: "I realize that. This thing that he’s hiding, is it bad?"

Dr. Goldfine looks down.

Bree: "Oh, okay, um, maybe it’s better that I don’t know."
Dr. Goldfine: "Bree, how does this reconciliation have a chance if the two of you can’t be honest about the innermost parts of your lives?"
Bree: "We’re, um, WASPs, Doctor Goldfine. Not acknowledging the elephant in the room is what we do best."
Dr. Goldfine: "You’d settle for that? A life filled with repression and denial?"
Bree: "And the dinner parties. Don’t forget the dinner parties."

Mattress Store

The bald owner of the store walks Gabrielle around the store, pointing out various mattress styles.

Siesta King: "And uh, over there you got your queens and, uh, your quad spring series, and your deluxe one thousands. All the way to the imperial paradise. Sweet racket huh?"
Gabrielle: "Mm."
Siesta King: "I swear sometimes I wake up in the morning and I can’t believe I’m the Siesta King. Except for how I am."
Gabrielle: "Very impressive. So, where does the photographer want me for the shoot?"
Siesta King: "Uh, didn’t your agent tell you? There’s no shoot?"
Gabrielle: "Well, then what did you hire me for?"

Cut to Gabrielle lying seductively on one of the mattresses as the voice over of the "Siesta King" is heard.

Siesta King: "You’ve heard the expression sex sales? That’s where you come in. You’re here to remind people that there’s a lot of fun things they can do on a Siesta King mattress that don’t involve sleep. Get it?"

As Gabrielle lies on the bed in a sexy negligee, various customers appear throughout the day around the bed.

Two teenage boys stand at the end of the bed and wave at her...Gabrielle lies on the edge of the bed as a very obese man lies next to her...Gabrielle lies in the middle as two butch-looking women lie on either side of her.

Lynette's House

Lynette begins putting laundry into the washer.

"It is often said that good fences make good neighbors..."

The front door slams and Lynette turns to see what's happening.

"...but as Lynette was about to discover, the fence might just need a little barbed wire, if the neighbor is Mrs. McCluskey."

Mrs. McCluskey walks up the stairs in Lynette's house.

Lynette: "Hey."

Mrs. McCluskey is in the twins room, lifting their mattresses and pillows and generally looking around.

Lynette: "Hey, what do you think you are doing? Get out of here."
Mrs. McCluskey: "Your little criminals snuck into my house and stole my wall clock."
Lynette: "What?"
Mrs. McCluskey: "It was a hand-painted purple and white wall clock. My son made it."
Lynette: "Are you sure you didn’t misplace it? You’re getting up there in years, no offense, but you probably forget where you put things."
Mrs. McCluskey: "No offense, but you should be sterilized."
Lynette: "Look, my boys do not break into people's houses. Sure, they may have stolen your flower pot, but you know they apologized for that."
Mrs. McCluskey: "They wrote a note. That’s the coward's way out. They should’ve come over and apologized in person."
Lynette: "You know what? This has been fun but now - "
Mrs. McCluskey: "You let those boys run wild! Toys all over the yard, there’s bikes laying out in the street. It’s a disgrace."
Lynette: "Get out of my house!"
Mrs. McCluskey: "Those boys would’ve been better off raised by wolves. God knows they would’ve been cleaner."

She leaves the room and Lynette throws a pillow after her. It hits the door.

Bree's House

Bree sits in a living room chair, sewing. Rex sits on the couch, reading a book.

Bree: "Valentine's Day is tomorrow."
Rex: "I know. I already bought your gifts."
Bree: "Roses and English toffee?"
Rex: "Mmm hmm. Just like always."
Bree: "Yes. And I suppose we’ll make love tomorrow night, too."
Rex: "That is our little tradition."
Bree: "Good. I’m looking forward to it. Are you looking forward to it?"
Rex: "What?"
Bree: "Well, it’s just that I know that I don’t please you sexually, so I was wondering if you really were looking forward to being with me."
Rex: "Oh, for god's sake."
Bree: "I’m sorry, Rex. I thought I could pretend that this doesn’t upset me anymore, but I can't."
Rex: "Please don’t do this."
Bree: "You had an affair. You went to another woman for sex to give you something I couldn’t. At least have the decency to tell me what that something is."
Rex: "Bree, I can’t."
Bree: "Why not? Rex, please tell me. Let me prove to you how much I love you."
Rex: "I like to be dominated."
Bree: "Huh?"
Rex: "Sexually."
Bree: "Huh?"
Rex: "Never mind."
Bree: "Rex, please, I want to understand."

Later, Rex and Bree sit on the couch, watching the TV, from which the sounds of a man pleading are heard.

Man on TV: "Please, mistress, no!"
Woman on TV: "Quiet, slave."

The sound of a slap is heard.

Man on TV: "Yes, mistress, yes, yes."
Woman on TV: "Turn your head. Don't look at me."
Man on TV: "But, mistress!"
Woman on TV: "On your knees now. Right now! Tighten your cuffs."
Man on TV: "Yes, mistress."
Woman on TV: "Do it now."
Man on TV: "Yes."
Woman on TV: "Head down."
Man on TV: "Yes. Ow! Yes! Ow! Yes!"
Woman on TV: "Place the nightstick in your mouth."
Man on TV: "Yes, mistress."
Woman on TV: "Tight."
Man on TV: "Yes!"

As they watch, from opposite sides of the couch, Rex looks alternately turned on and uncomfortable. Bree alternates her gaze between the TV and Rex, looking at him in shock.

Rex pauses the video and turns to Bree.

Rex: "Well?"
Bree: "What the hell did your mother do to you?"
Rex: "What?"
Bree: "Well, come on, this just reeks of unresolved childhood trauma."
Rex: "This has nothing to do with my mother, Bree, this is a preference."
Bree: "It’s a perversion."
Rex: "For gods sake, you promised to be supportive."
Bree: "What do you want me to say? My husband likes to wear metal clamps around his nipples. Hooray?"
Rex: "I want you to say you’ll try it. Just, just once"
Bree: "Try what? Hurting you? You actually want me to hurt you?"
Rex: "So I can feel pleasure, yes."
Bree: "Fine."

She slaps him across the face as hard as she can.

Bree: "So? Was it good for you too?"

She gets up and leaves.

Susan's House

Susan walks into Julie's bedroom, holding some clothes on hangers, which she puts in Julie's closet. Julie, typing on her laptop, closes it, and looks over at Susan.

Susan: "Mike wants babies."
Julie: "What?"
Susan: "He wants to have kids, and he had that look that men get that says I’m ready to procreate, point me to the nearest cervix."
Julie: "And I take it this is a problem?"
Susan: "Oh, I can’t have another baby. I mean I’m so grateful I had you, you know I don’t regret a minute of that, but I found it to be completely overwhelming. Sometimes I even wonder how I got through it."
Julie: "You and me both. So, have you told Mike how you feel?"
Susan: "Oh, I can’t tell him. This could be a deal breaker. Julie I really love him. I don’t want to lose him."
Julie: "Maybe you’re overreacting. I bet he’d rather have you then a baby."
Susan: "What if he doesn’t?"
Julie: "Then that’s something you need to know."

Outside, Wisteria Lane

"Susan shouldn’t have been so worried. Children were the last thing on Mike’s mind. He was too busy searching for answers in all the wrong places."

Mike knocks on various neighbors doors, showing them a picture of Deirdre and asking them questions. He knocks on the door of one house, and when nobody answers, he goes around the back, where he puts on a black glove, then picks the lock to get in.

Once inside, he searches through papers and bookcases, finding nothing. He opens up doors, looking inside the rooms as he searches.

He comes to one door, opens it, and behind it is an older gentleman, shakily holding a gun straight at Mike.

Mike: "Please..."

The gun goes off, hitting Mike, who runs down the hallway, through the kitchen, outside, and gets into his car. The man shoots after him, but doesn't hit him.

Once in the car, Mike looks down at his stomach, where a bullet hole is bleeding. He drives off.

Mike's House

A picture of Mike and Deirdre sits on the coffee table on top of the maps of Wisteria Lane that Mike had. Both bloody and clean gauze lie on the table and a pair of clamps are placed on the table as well.

Mike lies on the couch while a man stitches him up.

Man: "You got lucky: didn’t hit anything major. Noah’s getting impatient."
Mike: "Well, you can tell Noah I’m getting closer."
Man: "That’s her, isn’t it?"
Mike: "Yeah."
Man: "Hard to believe a kid from such a good family could get so messed up."
Mike: "I met somebody who recognized her photo. I think she rented a room over on Pine Avenue."

The phone rings and after one ring, the machine picks up.

Mike: "I was checking out houses when . "
Susan (on the machine): "Hey, Mike, it’s me. Are you there? Pick up. Hello? Okay, I know you're home. Your lights are on. Look, I really need to talk to you about something, uh, you know what? I’m just gonna stop by."

Mike grabs for the phone.

Mike: "No, hey, hey I’m here. Ow!"
Susan: "Are you okay?"
Mike: "Yup. Yeah, I just stubbed my toe."
Susan: "Oh, um, so can I come over? I, I really need to talk to you about something."
Mike: "Actually, I got a buddy over here right now. Um, can it wait 'til dinner tomorrow?"
Susan: "It’s kind of important, um, yeah I guess it can wait. So I’ll see you at seven?"
Mike: "All right. I’m counting the minutes."

They hang up.

Man: "You should take it easy for the next few days."
Mike: "I can’t cancel. The last thing I need is for her to get suspicious."

Outside Lynette's House

The next day, Lynette removes groceries from her car. Across the street, sitting in her car, is Mrs. McCluskey.

Mrs. McCluskey: "Maybe it’s my dementia, but I still haven’t found my purple wall clock."
Lynette: "Nobody in my family knows or cares where your stupid clock is."

Tom comes around the car to help Lynette. Mrs. McCluskey looks at a bike lying on the edge of the road.

Mrs. McCluskey: "Oh, and by the way, will you tell your little criminals to get their bikes out of the street?"
Tom: "Oh, I’ll get it."
Lynette: "No, don’t you dare. We’ll move it when you say please."

Mrs. McCluskey makes a u-turn and runs over the bike several times.

Mrs. McCluskey: "Please."

Lynette gasps. Tom quickly tries to calm her down, but Lynette reaches into one of the grocery bags and pulls out a carton of eggs.

"Even though it was Mrs. McCluskey who had officially declared war..."

Lynette throws an egg at Mrs. McCluskey's retreating car. It splatters on the back windshield and the car stops.

"...it was Lynette who decided to deliver the opening salvo."

Mrs. McCluskey gets out of the car and points to the broken egg on her car.

Mrs. McCluskey: "You’re going to clean that up."
Lynette: "Think so?"
Mrs. McCluskey: "Yes."

Lynette throws another egg, this time at Mrs. McCluskey. It flies toward her in slow motion, landing squarely on her forehead.

"Yes, the war of Wisteria lane would indeed prove to be messy for everyone involved."

Tom closes his eyes in resignation.

Mattress Store

Gabrielle lies on a mattress, with her eyes closed.

Customer: "Pardon me, pardon me. We were wondering what the coil count was on this one."

Gabrielle points to a cardboard sign sitting on the pillow next to her, which reads: "Please do not talk to model!"

Customer: "Oh. Sorry."

He and his wife walk off, rolling their eyes. The "Siesta King" walks up to Gabrielle, smiling, but quickly frowns when he sees the sign next to her.

Siesta King: "What is this?"
Gabrielle: "People keep coming and talking to me asking me questions. That is not my job."
Siesta King: "Well. You don’t have to be rude."
Gabrielle: "I am not a mattress sales person."
Siesta King: "Is there something wrong with being a mattress sales person? Is it beneath you or something?"
Gabrielle: "Honestly, yes. I am a model."
Siesta King: "You know what, your agent warned me that you were a diva, and he was right. You won’t talk to the customers, you bitch about the coffee, and you wouldn’t even chip in for Hazel’s birthday cake."
Gabrielle: "I just met the woman today."
Siesta King: "That didn’t stop you from havin' a piece. I’m sorry, but I, I don’t want someone around my store that's not a team player."
Gabrielle: "Oh no, no, no, wait, wait."
Siesta King: "You’re fired, princess."
Gabrielle: "No!"

He walks away and she flops onto the mattress.

Lynette's House

Lynette is on the phone.

Lynette: "I need to know if my policy covers it. No, my car actually wasn’t involved. It was my neighbor's car, but the egg was mine. Uh huh. Can I please speak to your supervisor?"
Tom (calling from outside): "Honey? Would you come out here?"

Outside.

Lynette: "What?"
Tom: "Look what I found stashed in the boys' playhouse."

Lynette looks inside the playhouse, which contains dozens of items clearly not belonging to the boys, including a wall clock.

Lynette (gasps): "Please tell me that’s not a purple wall clock. Pack your bags. We’re moving."

Martha Huber's House

Felicia runs her finger over the carefully labeled photo albums in her sister's house. Her finger stops when she comes to one marked "Family."

She pulls it from the shelf and sits down at the table with it. Flipping through the photos, she sighs.

She comes to one that is obviously a posed staff photo. About 10 men and women, wearing medical scrubs, stand outside of a building, smiling. The caption underneath the photo reads "Dorothy Drake Rehabilitation House." Felicia frowns, looking at the photo. She is one of the staff members, standing on the left, and on the right, stands Mary Alice Young. Felicia raises her eyebrows and nods.

Department Store

Gabrielle walks through the make-up department of the store.

"Discouraged over losing her job, Gabrielle decided a make over would be the perfect cure for her depression. It was after finding a moisturizer she couldn’t afford that it finally occurred to Gabrielle. Perhaps it was her pride that needed a make over."

She sees a small sign advertising for help wanted and she sighs.

Later...

Customer: "Excuse me, miss? You forgot to give me my receipt."

Gabrielle, standing behind one of the counters, jumps slightly.

Gabrielle: "Oh, right. Oh, here. Here you go. Thank you. Come again."
Yao Lin: "Mrs. Solis?"
Gabrielle: "Oh, god."
Yao Lin: "Hello."
Gabrielle: "Hello, Yao Lin. How are you?"
Yao Lin: "Good. Very good. "
Gabrielle: "I wanted to call you. I felt terrible about how we left things."
Yao Lin: "I need lipstick."
Gabrielle: "Okay but - "
Yao Lin: "Now."

A little later, Yao Lin sits on a chair as Gabrielle stands before her with make up in her hands.

Gabrielle: "You must be loving this, huh? Having me serve you must be a dream come true."
Yao Lin: "Can’t complain."
Gabrielle: "That’s the difference between you and me, Yao Lin, our dreams. Close your eyes, please. Thank you. You see I dreamed of pulling myself up from nothing, and I did. I dreamed about the things I wanted and I got them all: a high powered career, a handsome husband, an extravagant house. So, this is just a blip in the radar for me, because now, I know what I’m capable of and if I did it once, I can do it again. I’m never really down, Yao Lin, even when it looks like I am. So, enjoy this moment, enjoy your dream, because for you, it doesn’t get any better then this. There. Don’t you look beautiful."

Le Petit Fleur

A waiter carries food to a table, passing by a busboy, who finishes setting up the table. He smoothes down the tablecloth, and then notices that the table is wobbling. He crawls underneath the table to wedge a piece of wood underneath it. It doesn't seem to do the trick, and he continues working on it.

Meanwhile, the hostess leads Mike and Susan into the dining room.

Hostess: "Right this way."
Mike: "Everything okay?"
Susan: "Oh yeah, this dress is just riding up as it is. If I walk any faster it’ll be happy Valentine's Day for everyone."
Mike: "Especially me."

He pulls out her chair and she sits down.

Susan: "Thank you."

Underneath the table, the busboy realizes that he's trapped. Above the table, Susan gets a confused look on her face.

Busboy: "Excuse me miss?"

She peeks between her legs, underneath the table, and sees the busboy peering back up at her.

She gasps in horror and jumps back, out of her chair, running into a waiter, carrying a large tray with food on it. The waiter falls, dropping the food, and a woman walking by trips, nearly falling herself, but Mike quickly catches her.

Susan: "I am so sorry! Is everyone okay?"
Lady: "Oh, oh. Thank you. Thank you!"

She walks off and as Susan sits back down, Mike quickly checks his shirt. His wound had started bleeding again, and it's left a small red stain on his white shirt. He pulls his jacket over the stain and sits down.

Busboy: "Oh, ma'am, your napkin."
Susan: "Don’t even think about it."

The busboy walks off and she leans down to get her own napkin.

Later, a waiter pours wine while Susan opens the card that Mike got for her. As she reads it, he surreptitiously pulls open his jacket to look at his wound, which has left a bigger stain.

Susan: "Oh, that’s so wonderful what you wrote, thank you. Okay, I’m not gonna be any kind of company until I get something off my chest. Do you remember the other day when you said that you wanted to have kids?"
Mike: "Mm hmm."
Susan: "Here’s the thing, I don’t think I’m ready to have another baby. I think we need to have a serious conversation."
Mike: "Sure."

He smiles and Susan smiles back, then takes a sip of wine.

Lynette's House

Lynette and Tom sit at their table, dressed up, and eating a fancy meal.

Lynette: "I’m not going over there."
Tom: "Yes, you are."
Lynette: "No. I can deal with the humiliation of going around the neighborhood returning everything the boys stole, but please don’t make me apologize to that woman."
Tom: "This is what it means to be a good neighbor, finding ways of getting along instead of, you know, hurling an egg at them."
Lynette: "But why do I have to apologize? Why don’t we just go ‘oh, now we’re even’ and we'll start from scratch."
Tom: "Okay if the, uh, being a pleasant human being argument doesn’t fly with you, we’ll try a self preservation, what if she wakes up in the middle of the night, the house is on fire, you don’t want her to call 911?"
Lynette: "If our house catches fire I guarantee you, she's the one that started it."
Tom: "My point is, the day will come when we need her help and I don’t want her not to help us just because of some silly feud."
Lynette: "Fine, I’ll do it."
Tom: "Wow, thank you."
Lynette: "You know whoever came up with the motto love thy neighbor clearly lived nowhere near Karen McCluskey."
Tom: "Yes, well, on Valentine’s Day the only motto that really matters is, you know, love thy husband."
Lynette: "Really, I, I recall no such motto."

They kiss.

Le Petit Fleur

Susan and Mike have their food in front of them.

Susan: "I mean, I understand why you would want to have kids, but that chapter of my life is just closed. I don’t think I can go back there. And so, you know, given the way I feel and given the way I think you feel..."

Mike, clearly not feeling well, lowers his head, propping it up with his index and middle fingers of his left hand.

Susan: "Oh god, you’re not taking this well. Oh I was afraid of this."
Mike: "Um."

He looks down and notices drops of blood dripping onto the floor from his wound.

Susan: "What?"
Mike: "I've got to go."
Susan: "What?"
Mike: "I’m sorry."
Susan: "I don’t believe this. You’re leaving without even trying to talk me into having your baby? I mean how do you know I wouldn't cave. I always cave."

Mike collapses on the floor. When he falls, his jacket falls open and the bleeding wound is clearly visible.

Susan: "Mike?!"

She rushes toward him.

Bree's House

Bree's reading in bed when Rex climbs in next to her.

Bree: "Good night."
Rex: "Night."
Bree (sighs): "So, how does this domination thing work?"

He rolls over and sits up. Then he smiles at her.

Later, Rex is pulling a box out of the deepest part of the closet as he talks.

Rex: "So there’s nothing to be afraid of. I mostly will be constructing simple scenarios and acting them out."
Bree: "So, it’s like we’re in a little play."
Rex: "Sort of. And if things do get too rough we’ll have a control word. If one of us says it, the other backs off immediately."
Bree: "Okay. So what’s our control word?"
Rex: "Well, lately I’ve been using Philadelphia."

She looks away.

Rex: "What’s wrong?"
Bree: "Well it’s just that my Aunt Fern lives in Philadelphia and I don’t want to be thinking about her while I’m spanking you with a leather strap."
Rex: "Okay. Fine. You pick a control word."
Bree: "Um, how about Boise?"
Rex: "Boise?"
Bree: "What’s the matter with Boise?"
Rex: "We’re going to be doing psychological role playing here, Bree, and a funny word like Boise would ruin the mood. We need something that sounds serious."
Bree: "Hmm. How about Palestine?"
Rex: "Boise will be just fine."
Bree: "So I guess we should, uh, get started. What do you want me to do?"
Rex: "Handcuff me to the bed. Bree, you are not going to regret taking this journey with me. This is going to infuse our marriage with more passion then you could imagine. You just have to trust me."
Bree: "I do. Would you mind if I ran these through the dishwasher once?"
Rex: "Sure."

Hospital

A nurse leads Susan to outside Mike's hospital room.

Nurse: "You can wait here. You can go in to see him as soon as the doctor's finished."
Susan: "Oh, okay. Thanks."

The doctor and a nurse come out of Mike's room.

Nurse: "Can you believe that story?"
Doctor: "Please. There’s no way that gun shot wound was self-inflicted."
Nurse: "Funny how he can’t seem to remember who stitched him up."
Doctor: "Well, the police are on their way to talk to him. Let them sort it out."

Susan watches them go, then slowly walks into Mike's room.

Mike: "Sorry about ruining dinner."
Susan: "Ah, please. I’m just glad you’re okay. So, you shot yourself?"
Mike: "Pretty lame, huh? I was cleaning my automatic and I was too embarrassed to tell you."
Susan: "Well, I could see why you would be."
Mike: "I know it sounds crazy. I just couldn’t let myself ruin your Valentine's Day. But I heard what you said at the restaurant about not wanting kids."
Susan: "We don’t have to talk about that now."
Mike: "Oh, Susan, I just want to be with you above everything else. That means not being a dad? I may be stupid enough to shoot myself, but I’m not stupid enough to walk away from you. You know that, right?"
Susan: "Yeah. I’m gonna go outside and let you rest for a while."
Mike: "Thanks for being so understanding."

She smils at him. As she opens the door to his room, two police officers walk inside.

Police: "Mr. Delfino, I’m Officer Russell, this is Officer Walters. We'd like to ask you a few questions."

Mrs. McCluskey's House

The next day, Lynette's three boys, dressed nicely, walk up the walk to Mrs. McCluskey's front door. Parker holds the wall clock. They turn to look at her, and Lynette, standing by the sidewalk, motions that they should knock on the door. They do, and Mrs. McClusky opens it.

Mrs. McCluskey: "What do you want?"

The boys turn to look at Lynette.

Lynette: "The boys have something they’d like to say to you."

Parker hands Mrs. McCluskey the wall clock.

Mrs. McCluskey: "I have some tea heating on the stove. Perhaps you'd better come inside, boys."

The boys turn to look at Lynette again, and she nods that it's okay.

Mrs. McCluskey: "What about you, Lynette? D'you have anything to say?"
Lynette: "No. I’ll just wait out here."
Mrs. McCluskey: "Suit yourself."

She closes the door.

Inside the house, the boys sit on her couch.

Mrs. McCluskey: "You boys want some peanut brittle? Go ahead. Don’t get any crumbs on my floor. Move over. Okay. Go ahead, make with the apology."
All three boys: "We’re sorry."
Mrs. McCluskey: "That’s it, huh? Didn’t you know that stealing is wrong? How old are you anyway?"
Twin: "We’re six."
Mrs. McCluskey: "And how old are you?"
Parker: "Five."
Mrs. McCluskey: "Well, your mother just pops 'em out, doesn’t she?"
Twin: "How old are you?"
Mrs. McCluskey: "How old do you think?"
Twin: "A hundred and fifty."
Mrs. McCluskey: "Hurry up and eat your peanut brittle."
Twin (pointing to a framed picture): "Who's that?"
Mrs. McCluskey: "That’s my little boy."
Twin: "Where does he live?"
Mrs. McCluskey: "He died when he was twelve."
Twin: "How come?"
Mrs. McCluskey: "He got sick. He was a little terror like you three. You would’ve liked him. Now, are you done with the peanut brittle? Let's go. Now, I want to say something to you before you go. What you did was wrong, but it’s nice that you wanted to get a present for your mom for Valentine's Day. Nobody is ever gonna love you like your mother. All right, let’s go."

She opens the front door and shoos the boys out.

Mrs. McCluskey: "Get the hell out of my house."

Lynette stares at her, then herds the children her way.

"In her heart, Lynette knew she would probably never love her neighbor, never realizing that love was the one thing she and her neighbor had in common."

Susan's House

Susan sits on a bench in her front yard, reading the Valentine's Day card Mike got her. Lynette walks over.

Lynette: "Hey."
Susan: "Hey, Lynette."
Lynette: "Um..."
Susan: "What’s wrong?"
Lynette: "My kids have been on kind of a thieving jag, stealing stuff from around the neighborhood"
Susan: "I’m so sorry."
Lynette: "I know, they’re being punished. Probably for life. But I needed you to see something. They said they stole it from Mike’s garage. From inside his work bench. Your Mike."

Susan unwraps the cloth Lynette handed her. Inside is a bracelet and ring.

Susan: "So?"
Lynette: "Read the engraving."

Susan turns the bracelet over and sees that it reads "Martha Huber." There are small traces of a reddish substance on the bracelet.

Susan (gasps): "Is that blood?"
Lynette: "I don’t know."
Susan: "What, what does this mean?"
Lynette: "I don’t know."

Gabrielle's House

Gabrielle walks through her front door, closing her eyes in exhaustion.

"It’s impossible to grasp just how powerful love is..."

"...it can sustain us through trying times..."

Bree's House

Bree opens up the dishwasher, where the handcuffs are sitting. She takes them out, looks them over, and shakes her head. Holding them in her hand, she closes the dishwasher.

"...or motivate us to make extraordinary sacrifices..."

Outside Paul's House

Paul collects his mail.

"...it can force decent men to commit the darkest deeds..."

As he walks back up to his house, he looks over to Martha Huber's house and sees Felicia picking up the newspaper.

"...or compel ordinary women to search for hidden truths..."

They smile and wave to each other.

Mrs. McCluskey's House

Mrs. McCluskey takes down the framed photograph of her son to look at it.

"...and long after we’re gone, love remains burned into our memories."

Susan's House

Susan looks at the card Mike got her, then stares out her window at his house across the street.

"We all search for love, but some of us, after we found it, wish we hadn’t."

~ The End ~

This spoiler episode was compiled and completed on March 6, 2005 by Amanda Lane (desperate_housewives at yahoo dot com) and Royce.
Last Update: August 6, 2006

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