Episode 01.12 - "Every Day A Little Death" Mary Alice: "Martha Huber waited her whole life for something to happen to her, something exciting. As a child, she hoped to be kidnapped by a band of pirates. As a teenager, she dreamt of being discovered by a Hollywood talent scout. As a young woman, she fantasized that a handsome millionaire would sweep her off her feet. But the years had flown by, and still, nothing exciting had ever happened to Martha Huber. Until the night she was murdered. In those last moments, it occurred to her, in addition to being boring, life could also be very cruel. Luckily for Mrs. Huber, death was far more merciful." Lauren: "Look, all I can tell you is plan ahead next time." Lynette: "Uh, Lauren? I'm a mother of four. Today I had to get up at five, make lunches, make breakfast, drop the twins off at school, and get across town lugging a baby and a sick child. Telling me to plan ahead is like telling me to sprout wings. And it’s things like being told to plan ahead that make me so crazy, that yoga is the only thing that relaxes me, except I show up here, and I can't get in, and you tell me to plan ahead. It’s a vicious cycle. See how that works?" Lauren: "I get it, but if I broke the rules for you, I'd have to break them for the other moms too, and then the moms who actually follow the rules would get all pissed at me, and I'd have to get pissy right back, and before you know it, I don't have time to read my magazine. See how that works?" Lynette: "I hope someday, you have lots of children." Felicia: "Look at them all. Vultures. Pretending to care when all they really want are the sordid details." Police Chief: "I don't know, I think they just want to show their support." Felicia: "Please. Human beings feed on misery." Felicia: "Hello. I want to thank you all for coming out here and expressing your genuine sorrow and disbelief. My sister, Martha, would have been so touched. I know that many of you have questions. I've just spoken with the police who are still putting together the details of what happened. What they do know is, Martha died a violent death. Yes, I know. It’s hard to hear. Apparently, there was a struggle. They found scratching and bruising on her body, several broken bones, and traces of dirt in her lungs, which leads us to believe that she was still alive at the time of her burial, and probably in great pain. But the good news is, there are no signs that she had been molested. Now, I think it's time that you return to your homes, to your loved ones. Oh, in lieu of a memorial service, I'll be holding an estate sale the day after tomorrow. Please, no personal checks." Edie: "Since the Ice Queen isn't doing anything to memorialize her sister, I have decided to carry Martha’s ashes up to Torch Lake and scatter them myself. It's where her husband proposed." Lynette: "That’s so sweet." Edie: "I know. So, I thought that some of the neighbors could caravan up there, and we'd have a little ceremony. I've printed out maps if anyone needs one, and the dress is semi-formal." Gabrielle: "You know, Edie, I'd love to go, but, um, I just got back into modeling, you know, just for fun, and I have a gig tomorrow. I can't leave 'em hanging." Lynette: "I wish I would have known earlier. I would have arranged a sitter." Bree: "Darn, I have to take Rex to his angiogram." Edie: "Hmmm." (looking at Susan) "Well, Mayer, what’s your excuse?" Susan: "I'm just, you know, busy. Stuff." Edie: "Well, your friends are much better liars." Susan: "I am so screwed." Julie: "Mom, calm down." Susan: "Everything about the fire and the measuring cup is gonna be in that journal. Everyone is gonna think I'm an arsonist." Julie: "It may not be as bad as it looks." Susan: "What, you think there’s a chance Mrs. Huber didn't write about it in the journal?" Julie: "Please. It’s great dirt. I even put it in my journal. You're gonna have to get to Mrs. Britt and come clean. Convince her it was an accident. If she doesn't press charges, the police will probably just let it go." Susan: "Are you high? Edie hates me." Julie: "That’s why you're gonna grovel at her feet and beg forgiveness." Gabrielle: "I like my lifestyle, and I don't want you to kill it." Carlos: "Well, look around, Gabrielle, it’s already dead. And there’s nothing you can control." Gabrielle: "Maybe. But having a baby, that, I can control. You, I can control." Carlos: "Hey, you can't talk to me like that. I'm still the man of this house." Bree: "Hey. Hi, George. I'm so sorry you lost your toe. The doctor said it’s your middle one so your balance shouldn't be affected. I mean, this really won't change your life one little bit. Please say something." George: "I've always dreamed that before I died, I would get to kiss a truly beautiful woman. I finally get the chance, and I end up blowing off a toe. I'm not surprised. This type of thing always happens to me, you know. I know I'll get over it. But the thing that I don't think I'll ever get over, is that when I did kiss you, you pulled away from me. Why did you do that, Bree?" Bree: "I was just caught off guard." George: "But, we're dating. Why would it be so surprising I would try to kiss you?" Bree: "I'm still married to Rex. I mean, we're not even legally separated yet." George: "He cheated on you. You said you were going to hate him forever." Bree: "You shouldn't listen to a woman who's just had her heart broken. We tend to lie." Susan: "Okay. Look, uh, I, I just haven't always treated you well, and I want to make amends." Edie: "Hm. I still think you're full of crap." George: "Bree, I don't care what we call it! We can call it dating, we can call it hanging out. Whatever it is, I just want to be with you. See, uh, I really need our friendship back." Bree: "I don't think that would be wise." George: "Why not?" Bree: "Well, I mean, wouldn't you keep hoping that in time I would feel the same way about you as you feel about me?" George: "Maybe." Bree: "Oh, George." George: "I wish you wouldn't say ‘Oh, George’ like that. Like I'm so pathetic for even thinking you could love me someday." Bree: "I don't think you're pathetic. It’s just that...I can't." George: "Aw, geez. Oh, geez!" Susan: "I've been thinking about this for the last ninety miles and you don't have to forgive me. You can go to the police, kick me, you can burn my house down. You just have to know that I am so racked with guilt, I don't think it’s possible for me to suffer any more than I'm already suffering." Edie: "Boy, I'd like to put that theory to the test." Edie: "There is something I want you to do for me." Susan: "Of course, anything. Uh, you name it! What?" Edie: "I want to be invited to your poker game." Susan: "Our poker games?" Edie: "I'm not saying that I'll go. And I'm not saying that you and your little friends have to be nice to me. But, every once in a while, yeah! It'd be nice to be asked." Susan: "Well, we meet on Tuesdays, and it’s potluck lunch. Everybody has to bring something." Edie: "I'm not bringing anything." Susan: "Oh, you don't have to. Well, this is good. Thank you. I guess I should go take a shower and wash Mrs. Huber off of me." Edie: "Hold it. I can't stand the thought of Martha’s ashes going down some sewer drain." Susan: "Well, Edie, I, I have to clean up." Edie: "Well, this is such a beautiful lawn. We could put her to rest right here!" Susan: "On my front lawn?" Edie: "Why not? She could spend all of eternity looking at her house, and keep an eye on the neighborhood. she'd like that. Stand over here, I'll hose you off." Susan: "I don't think so." Edie: "You owe me!" Mary Alice:  Death is inevitable. It’s a promise made to each of us at birth. But before that promise is kept, we all hope something will happen to us. Whether it is the thrill of romance, the joy of raising a family, or the anguish of great loss, we all hope to experience something that make our lives meaningful. But the sad fact is, not all lives have meaning. Some people spend their time on this planet just sitting on the sidelines waiting for something to happen to them, before it’s too late."