This was typed by Larry and Amanda, mere humans, and mistakes are possible. If you find any, no matter how trivial, please let me know. (desperate_housewives at yahoo dot com)

In the interest of finishing the transcripts faster, screen caps will not be placed on the transcripts until further notice. You can find screen caps at the following websites:
Desperate Housewives
Wisteria Lane
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Guest stars
"Mrs. Martha Huber" - Christine Estabrook
"Felicia Tilman" - Harriet Sansom Harris
"George Williams" - Roger Bart
"Noah" - Bob Gunton
"Detective Copeland" - Conor O'Farrell
"Lauren" - Erin Matthews
"Preston Scavo" - Brent Kinsman
"Porter Scavo" - Shane Kinsman
"Parker Scavo" - Zane Huett
"Callie" - Bari Hochwald
"Crime Scene Policeman" - Michael Patrick McGill

Written by: Chris Black
Directed by: David Grossman

"Martha Huber waited her whole life for something to happen to her, something exciting. As a child, she hoped to be kidnapped by a band of pirates. As a teenager, she dreamt of being discovered by a Hollywood talent scout. As a young woman, she fantasized that a handsome millionaire would sweep her off her feet. But the years had flown by, and still, nothing exciting had ever happened to Martha Huber. Until the night she was murdered. "

Flashback to the night when Mrs. Huber was murdered by Paul.

Paul: "Hello, Mrs. Huber."
Martha: "Paul!"
Paul: "Let me give you a hand."
Martha: "That’s really not necessary."
Paul: "I insist."

"In those last moments, it occurred to her, in addition to being boring, life could also be very cruel."

Woods, daytime

A man holds a missing person's flier showing Mrs. Huber. As the camera backs away, we see it's a policeman holding the flier. He walks over to where crime scene tape has been placed around where Mrs. Huber's body was found. Dozens of officials are around the scene, doing their job in removing the body.

"Luckily for Mrs. Huber, death was far more merciful. "

Officer Jackson: "What do you think?"
Police chief: "That’s our missing woman, all right."

Channel 15 KQRY Eyewitness News van pulls up.

Police Chief: "Aw, geez, it didn't take the media long to get wind of this. Make sure no one contaminates my crime scene."

He leaves. The policeman looks at the flier in his hand then down at Mrs. Huber lying in the dirt.

Officer Jackson: "Hey, little lady. A lot of people are looking for you, you know that? Your face is gonna be on the front page of every paper in this state. How’s that for exciting?"

"Officer Jackson couldn't be sure, but for a brief moment, he thought he saw the corpse of Martha Huber, smile."

Credits

A police car pulls up in front of Mrs. Huber's house.

"Death had come once again to Wisteria Lane."

A policeman gets out of the car and walks over to Felicia Tilman, who's watering the lawn.

Police Chief: "I'm afraid I have some bad news for you. We found your sister’s body."

Felicia drops the hose and takes a step back.

Outside Susan's House

"Word of the tragedy would soon spread throughout the neighborhood. But for now, people went about their lives as they always did, blissfully unaware."

Susan comes out of her house and walks across the street to Mike's house, where she opens the door and walks in.

Susan: "Hello, anybody home?"
Mike’s voice: "In the kitchen."
Susan: "Good news. I finished my book, so I thought to celebrate, you could take me out to lunch."

She stops in front of Mike, then sees Edie behind him, standing in the kitchen. Edie brushes past her.

Edie: "Hey, Susan."
Mike: "Uh, could we do a rain check? Edie and I are just looking over the plans to rebuild her house."
Edie: "My insurance company is finally cutting my check next week, and there’s only one plumber I want. So don't expect to see this guy for a few months. I'm gonna be riding him hard."
Susan: "Well, if anyone can go the distance, he can. I should know."

She giggles and then kisses Mike. She then looks over at Edie and grabs at Mike to share a long passionate kiss with him.

Edie: "Uh, Mike?"

Mike glances at her, still lip-locked with Susan, as they turn slightly.

Edie: "Mike? We're on the clock."

Edie's cell phone rings. She picks it up.

Edie: "Hey Felicia, what’s up?"

Her face saddens.

Mike: "Edie?"
Edie: "They found Martha."

Gym

Lynette, holding on to Penny, puts a Kleenex over Parker’s nose.

Lynette: "Here, blow. Good, all right. Come on, it’s going to be fun. Follow me."

They walk up to the front desk, where there is a sign-in roster. All of the spaces are filled, but Lynette adds her name at the bottom anyway.

The woman behind the desk, Lauren, stops her.

Lauren: "Excuse me. You can't do that."
Lynette: "I'm here for the 10 a.m. yoga meditation class."
Lauren: "Unfortunately, the day care center is full."
Lynette: "Yeah, I noticed that, but every time I come here, it’s full."
Lauren: "It’s a popular class, and the other moms come early. Look, all I can tell you is plan ahead next time."
Lynette: "Uh, Lauren? I'm a mother of four. Today I had to get up at five, make lunches, make breakfast, drop the twins off at school, and get across town lugging a baby and a sick child. Telling me to plan ahead is like telling me to sprout wings. And it’s things like being told to plan ahead that make me so crazy, that yoga is the only thing that relaxes me, except I show up here, and I can't get in, and you tell me to plan ahead. It’s a vicious cycle. See how that works?"
Lauren: "I get it, but if I broke the rules for you, I'd have to break them for the other moms too, and then the moms who actually follow the rules would get all pissed at me, and I'd have to get pissy right back, and before you know it, I don't have time to read my magazine. See how that works?"
Lynette: "I hope someday, you have lots of children."

Her cell phone rings and she picks it up.

Lynette: "Hello? Oh, hey Susan. Listen, I can't talk, I'm in the middle of something here. What?"

Outside Bree's House

A car pulls up to Bree's house. George gets out of the car and opens the door for Bree, who gets out.

George: "I had a wonderful time today."
Bree: "Thank you. I did too."

George walks back around the car to the trunk and Bree glances up at the 2nd-story window. She slams her car door, still looking up at the window.

Bree: "Sorry I can't invite you in for coffee."
George: "Oh, I get it. Rex still lives in the house. It would be awkward."
Bree: "Yeah, and I would rather cut off my hand than hurt his feelings."

She slams down the trunk and looks up at the window again.

Bree: "It'll, um, it'll be a lot easier once he gets well enough to move out."
George: "Do you want to have lunch tomorrow?"

Bree notices the curtain move, and knows Rex is watching. She gasps, and then leans forward and gives George a hug.

Bree: "I'd love to."
George: "Okay. Wow!"
Bree: "Pick me up at one and we'll do something fun."
George: "See you then."
Bree: "Oh, packages! Thank you."

George, who had forgot he was holding them, hands them to her.

Bree’s cell phone rings.

Bree: "Hello! Oh, hi Lynette! What?"

Outside Gabrielle's House

Two men with ‘U.S. Marshall’ written on the backs of their jackets help a shackled Carlos out of the car.

Gabrielle comes out the front door carrying a bottle of champagne and two glasses.

Gabrielle: "Hi, honey! Welcome home!"

Still handcuffed, Carlos gives Gabrielle a small wave as one of the men unlocks the handcuffs.

Inside the house, Carlos walks the men to the door.

Carlos: "Thanks, guys. Take it easy."

The U.S. Marshalls walk out and he shuts the door behind them.

Gabrielle: "Come on, honey, let’s celebrate! Sorry it’s the cheap stuff. I had to economize. Now that you're back, we can restock the wine cellar. Let’s toast."

They kiss.

Carlos: "Very good to be back"
Gabrielle: "What’s that?"

She sees a blinking device sitting in the living room.

Carlos lifts up his foot and shows her another device attached to his ankle.

Carlos: "It transmits to this. My electronic monitoring device. didn't the lawyer tell you?"
Gabrielle: "Tell me what?"
Carlos: "I'm on house arrest. It's a condition of my bail."
Gabrielle: "Uh, no! No, he neglected to tell me that."
Carlos: "Yeah, if I move more than a hundred feet from that telephone, an alarm sounds. If I keep going, it transmits a signal to the FBI, and I'm back in jail."
Gabrielle: "But, how are you gonna work?"
Carlos: "I can't. I can't do anything."
Gabrielle: "Uh, no! No, no! That’s unreasonable. What do they expect us to do for money?"
Carlos: "The lawyer's working on unfreezing the accounts. In the meantime, I mean, haven't you been working modeling jobs?"
Gabrielle: "Carlos, this is not like New York where I made thousands of dollars a day modeling haute couture. I'm doing boat shows. I spend eight hours a day doing this!"

She poses, but with a sarcastic grimace on her face.

Carlos: "I'd buy two boats from you." (laughs) "Come on."

He hands her one of the glasses.

Carlos: "Where’s my toast?"

They clink glasses.

Gabrielle (in a weary voice): "Welcome home."

She swallows the champagne and grimaces.

The phone rings.

Gabrielle: "Hello. Hi Bree. What?"

Martha Huber's House

The police chief who came to tell Felicia of Mrs. Huber's death is sitting in the living room with Felicia. They get up and start walking to the door.

Police Chief: "If you find anything in your sister’s belongings that might shed some light on her death, um, letters or a date book, please, call me immediately."
Felicia: "I believe she did keep a diary of something. I'll look around for it."

They see a group of people standing outside on the sidewalk.

Felicia: "Look at them all. Vultures. Pretending to care when all they really want are the sordid details."
Police Chief: "I don't know, I think they just want to show their support."
Felicia: "Please. Human beings feed on misery. Well, we might as well give the people what they want."

She continues to smile, wickedly, and then steps forward.

Felicia: "Hello. I want to thank you all for coming out here and expressing your genuine sorrow and disbelief. My sister, Martha, would have been so touched. I know that many of you have questions. I've just spoken with the police who are still putting together the details of what happened. What they do know is, Martha died a violent death."

The crowd is shocked.

Felicia: "Yes, I know. It’s hard to hear. Apparently, there was a struggle. They found scratching and bruising on her body, several broken bones, and traces of dirt in her lungs, which leads us to believe that she was still alive at the time of her burial, and probably in great pain. But the good news is, there are no signs that she had been molested. Now, I think it's time that you return to your homes, to your loved ones. Oh, in lieu of a memorial service, I'll be holding an estate sale the day after tomorrow. Please, no personal checks."

She smiles and walks inside the house.

Susan, Gabrielle, Lynette, and Bree all have looks of disbelief on their faces.

Outside, Early Morning

"By the next morning, everyone on Wisteria Lane was aware of Martha Huber’s demise, with no exceptions."

One of Lynette’s children is drawing a picture of stick figures that shows a smiling woman with purple lips lying down, and two police officers in blue uniforms and huge yellow badges.

Lynette: "Okay, boys."
Twin: "Hey, mom."
Lynette: "You see this gum? If you promise to be quiet while I am downstairs playing cards, it’s all yours. Deal?"
All three children: "Yeah!"
Lynette: "Yeah, okay. That’s what I like to hear."

She hands them the gum and they grab for it.

Downstairs, Bree, Gabrielle, and Susan are sitting around the table with the cards.

Bree: "I mean, what are the odds? First Mary Alice and then Mrs. Huber? I mean, it’s shocking."
Gabrielle: "Yeah, but this is different. Someone was actually murdered on our street."
Lynette: "I remember talking to her right before she disappeared."
Susan: "You did? What'd you talk about?"
Lynette: "Oh, actually, she yelled at me for not bringing my garbage cans in."
Bree: "I'm gonna miss her."

The doorbell rings. Lynette answers it.

Lynette: "Edie!"
Edie: "Hi."
Lynette: "Hi. Come on in."
Edie: "Oh, you're all here."
Lynette: "Yeah. Tuesday’s poker day."
Edie: "Really."
Lynette: "Yeah."
Edie: "Oh, you know, I love poker."

Everyone suddenly looks down at their cards.

Edie (slight laugh): "Okay, then. Well, here’s the deal. Since the Ice Queen isn't doing anything to memorialize her sister, I have decided to carry Martha’s ashes up to Torch Lake and scatter them myself. It's where her husband proposed."
Lynette: "That’s so sweet."
Edie: "I know. So, I thought that some of the neighbors could caravan up there, and we'd have a little ceremony. I've printed out maps if anyone needs one, and the dress is semi-formal."
Gabrielle: "You know, Edie, I'd love to go, but, um, I just got back into modeling, you know, just for fun, and I have a gig tomorrow. I can't leave 'em hanging."
Lynette: "I wish I would have known earlier. I would have arranged a sitter."
Bree: "Darn, I have to take Rex to his angiogram."
Edie: "Hmmm." (looking at Susan) "Well, Mayer, what’s your excuse?"
Susan: "I'm just, you know, busy. Stuff."
Edie: "Well, your friends are much better liars."

She takes the map she had handed them earlier and stalks out, slamming the door behind her.

Later, Lynette walks into a bedroom upstairs where the boys are.

Lynette: "Okay, Mommy’s friends are gone now and you can - "

Porter and Preston are standing behind Parker, who is smiling. His hair is standing up all over, obviously with gum in it.

Lynette exhales.

Later...

Lynette has Parker in the bathroom, sitting on the closed toilet seat as she tries to comb through the gum.

Parker: "Ow! Ow!"
Lynette: "Well yeah, I know it hurts, but that’s what you get when you let your brothers put bubble gum in your hair. Pain and misery."
Parker: "Are you mad at me?"
Lynette: "Yes! Yes! I am mad at you."
Parker: "Ow!"
Lynette: "And I'm also cranky. You know how you get when you haven't taken a nap? Well mommies are the same way. We need our down time, and if we don't get it - "
Parker: "Ow!"
Lynette: "- sorry, we end saying and doing things which we don't normally do."
Parker: "Ow!"
Lynette: "And it’s frustrating for me too, ‘cause I do want to be the best mommy I can be."
Parker: "I think you're the best mommy in the world."
Lynette: "Oh. That’s sweet of you, but it's not exactly true."

She goes to the cabinet and removes an electric razor. She turns it on and Parker hangs his head.

Park

Bree and George sit in the park on the ground, a picnic spread out around them.

Bree: "I was so afraid when I suggested a picnic, that you'd make fun of me, but I just think it’s such a lovely, old-fashioned way to spend an afternoon."
George: "Well, as it happens, I'm an old-fashioned kind of guy."
Bree: "Oh, and we got so lucky with the weather, it’s just absolutely - "

George reaches forward and put his hand on her hand on her leg. She smiles at him. He smiles at her. She pulls her hand back.

Bree: "You know, your lunch hour is almost up. We should probably be getting you back to the pharmacy."
George: "Wait. I've had such a good time, these last few days, I just want to show my appreciation."
Bree: "Another gift? I hope it’s not another orchid, they're so expensive."
George: "Relax, this didn't cost me a dime."

He puts a box in front of her.

Bree opens the box, exhales, puts her hand to her mouth.

Bree: "George, you shouldn't have."

Bree reaches down and pulls a pistol out of the box.

Bree: "This is a 9-mm Luger PO8!"
George: "The moment you said you were in the NRA, I knew I wanted to give it to you."
Bree: "I can't accept this, George! This is an antique. It’s too valuable."
George: "It’s okay. My grandfather gave it to me. It was surrendered to him by a soldier during World War II. Since I don't know how to shoot..."
Bree: "It’s so lovely. I mean, look at the handle. Is that mother of pearl?"
George: "I think so. Only the officer’s models had that. Do you really like it?"
Bree: "Oh, absolutely. George, this is just so much better than an orchid."

Bree raises the gun and looks down the line of sight. George puts his hand on her thigh. This time she reaches down and clasps his hand, squeezing it.

Outside, Nighttime

Susan walks over to Mrs. Huber's house, where Felicia is carrying boxes to the curb.

Susan: "Hi. Mrs. Mayer. I saw you from across the street. I thought you might need a hand."
Felicia: "No, thanks."
Susan: "I, I'm sorry for what happened. It must be really hard, not knowing who did it, or why. You must feel helpless."
Felicia: "A bit. I'm hoping her journals will provide some insight."
Susan: "Journals?"
Felicia: "Yes, Martha kept them for years."
Susan: "Oh. So, she must have written a lot of things in them?"
Felicia: "Every mundane detail of her life. And everyone else’s, for that matter. The police want to see them, but I'm stalling them 'til I have a chance to read through them first myself. wouldn't want any embarrassing family secrets getting out."
Susan: "That’s smart, that, that’s good."

Felicia turns away.

Susan: "That’s good to hear."

She turns and leaves.

Susan's House

Susan paces in the kitchen.

Susan: "I am so screwed."
Julie: "Mom, calm down."
Susan: "Everything about the fire and the measuring cup is gonna be in that journal. Everyone is gonna think I'm an arsonist."
Julie: "It may not be as bad as it looks."
Susan: "What, you think there’s a chance Mrs. Huber didn't write about it in the journal?"
Julie: "Please. It’s great dirt. I even put it in my journal. you're gonna have to get to Mrs. Britt and come clean. Convince her it was an accident. If she doesn't press charges, the police will probably just let it go."
Susan: "Are you high? Edie hates me."
Julie: "That’s why you're gonna grovel at her feet and beg forgiveness."

Susan stares at Julie.

Julie: "That’s right. you're gonna have to suck up to Edie Britt."

Mike's House, the following day

Mike pulls his car into the driveway.

When he walks up his porch, he finds the front door ajar. He walks in, looks around quickly and carefully, then strides to the kitchen, finds the cabinets open, and sees that the money, maps and notes are gone.

The red light on the answering machine is blinking.

The voice of Mr. Shaw, the mysterious ominous old man from the park, begins speaking from the machine.

Mr. Shaw: "Hey Mike, as you probably see by now, I took back my money and what little information you managed to dig up on your neighbors. Your replacement's going to need it. Pack up and move on with your life. Sorry about the mess."

Furious, Mike’s hand sweeps across the table where the machine is sitting. Papers fly everywhere.

Gym

Lynette walks into the Yoga center with Penny and Parker. Parker wears a baseball cap.

Lynette: "We're here! Woo! Ten minutes early! Sign me up?"
Lauren: "You just missed the rush, sorry."
Lynette: "No! No! I, I planned ahead."

Parker takes off his hat and scratches his shaved head.

Lynette: "We're, we're ten minutes early."

Parker coughs.

Lauren: "Oh my god!"
Lynette: "What?"
Lauren: "When you said you had a sick child, I had no idea. How long has it been?"

Lynette looks at Parker. He looks down at the floor and coughs again.

Lynette: "Uh, it kind of snuck up on us."
Lauren: "He’s so young too. God, it just breaks my heart."
Lynette: "Oh."

She laughs.

Lynette: "No, you see, here’s the thing - "
Lauren: "You go ahead into class. I'll find room for your kids."
Lynette: "Okay."

Construction site

Susan walks up to the site where Edie’s house will be built. Construction workers are there, working.

Susan: "Hey, Edie!"
Edie: "Susan."
Susan: "Boy, I gotta say, I envy you."
Edie: "In the name of God, why?"
Susan: "Well, you get to build your dream house, for free. I mean, in a weird way, your house burning down was really a good thing."
Edie: "There’s nothing good about it. I can't replace the memories, the photographs, the - is there something you want?"
Susan: "Okay, here’s the deal, Edie. I, I - "
Edie: "I, I, what? Spit it out already, I'm busy."
Susan: "I just wanted to see how you were holding up. You know, with Mrs. Huber and everything."
Edie: "My best friend was murdered and stuffed into a garbage bag. And nobody cares enough to go with me to spread her ashes."
Susan: "I'll go with you, Edie."

Edie turns and looks at her.

Gabrielle's House, nighttime

A tired Gabrielle, in a gold dress, walks into the house carrying a red and white striped bucket of fried chicken.

Gabrielle (wearily): "Hey."
Carlos: "Oh, thank God, I'm starving!"
Gabrielle: "Well, dig in. I am way too tired to eat."

Carlos catches her wrist as she walks by.

Carlos: "I'm sorry."

She sits on the couch and he massages her shoulders.

Carlos: "So, did you get to go by the hospital? Visit Mama?"
Gabrielle: "I worked ten hours today. I'll go by tomorrow. She doesn't even know when I'm there."
Carlos: "She’s gonna wake up soon, I know it."

He kisses her neck.

Carlos: "And you know what would make her really happy."
Gabrielle (gets up): "If you say, a grandchild, so help me God!"
Carlos: "Gabrielle, please!"
Gabrielle: "No, you promised, no babies!"
Carlos: "Things change!"
Gabrielle: "Yeah, I know. The Feds towed away my Maserati. My husband is, is a felon, and I spend my days getting groped by fat tracker salesmen at trade shows. I am well aware things change!"
Carlos: "A baby is solid, a constant."
Gabrielle: "And who is going to be changing the diapers when you're pumping iron in a Federal prison, huh? I like my lifestyle, and I don't want you to kill it."
Carlos: "Well, look around, Gabrielle, it’s already dead. And there’s nothing you can control."
Gabrielle: "Maybe. But having a baby, that, I can control. You, I can control."
Carlos: "Hey, you can't talk to me like that. I'm still the man of this house."
Gabrielle: "Oh, really?"

She bends down and picks up the bucket of fried chicken.

Gabrielle: "The man of the house?"

She turns and walks toward the front door. She grabs a large white paper bag as she walks.

Carlos: "don't walk away from me! Hey, hey! My food?"

She walks out the front door.

Carlos: "Gabrielle, come back here right now!"

She hurries down the steps and down the sidewalk.

Gabrielle: "I wouldn't go too much farther, you're going to end up back in prison."
Carlos: "Damn it! Gabrielle! Get inside now!"

She sits down on the edge of the road on the other side of the street. She opens up the bucket of fried chicken.

Gabrielle: "Mmm."
Carlos: "Hey, I waited all day for that!"
Gabrielle: "Mmm, it’s perfect! Oh, mm, crispy and burnt on the outside but nice and steamy on the inside."

Carlos takes a few tentative steps forward and his ankle bracelet begins flashing and beeping.

Gabrielle: Uh, uh, uh! Mmmm. Mmmm. you're the man of the house? You can't even leave it!"

She holds up a piece of meat, dangling it over her open mouth, then drops it slowly into her mouth.

Carlos gives a beastly cry of indignation, turns around, clasps his hands on the back of his neck and stomps back into the house.

Nighttime

A car pulls up near a barn. George and Bree get out. As George carries a bag of empty bottles, Bree sets them up on a fence post.

George: "I love this. It’s like a little adventure. I've never fired a gun before."
Bree: "The memory of this night will stay with you forever."
George: "Really?"
Bree: "Oh, yeah. You always remember your first time. God, I hope I brought enough bullets."
George: "You know, Bree, I can't tell you what these past few days have meant to me, finally getting out of the house and trying new things."
Bree: "Well, we sure have had some fun."
George: "No, no, it’s, it's more than that. I'm starting to forget what it feels like to be lonely."
Bree: "Oh, George, that’s so sweet. Now come on, let’s go shoot something!"

Standing by the car, Bree holds the gun as she instructs George.

Bree: "Now before I fire a handgun, I like to go over a few of the basics just to make sure I'm ready. Okay? So, number one, a strong stance."

She points the gun in front of her, looking down the line of sight.

Bree: "Two, high hand grasp. Three, hard grip. Four, front sight. Five, release the safety, and then squeeze the trigger slowly."
George: "What’s a high hand grasp?"
Bree: "Here. Take the gun."

Bree gives it to him, then stands behind him to help him position himself. The car headlights shine on them. We see the fence and two bottles in the distance.

Bree: "Okay. Now when you're firing a semi-automatic, you want the web of your hand all the way up against the edge of the back strap."
George: "What is that perfume you're wearing?"
Bree: "Uh, I'm not wearing perfume."
George: "Are you sure? Because you smell amazing?"
Bree: "Oh, I was making macaroons before I left the house."
Bree: "Okay, now I want you to hold the gun like you're holding a beautiful white dove. Hold it firmly enough that it can't get away, but not so firmly that you can kill it. Got it?"
George (grinning): "I think so."
Bree:" Okay, now all you have to do is take a deep breath..."

George turns his head, looking at Bree, Bree is looking at the gun.

Bree: "...and squeeze the trigger."

George’s lips move toward’s Bree’s face and then he kisses her.

Bree (squeals): "George!"

The gun goes off and George falls to the ground, screaming and clutching his leg.

He lies on the ground, screaming with pain as Bree hovers over him.

Hospital

Bree walks into George's hospital room carrying a tall white vase with beautiful flowers. George has a big cast on his leg. He stares up at the ceiling.

Bree: "Hey. Hi, George. I'm so sorry you lost your toe. The doctor said it’s your middle one so your balance shouldn't be affected. I mean, this really won't change your life one little bit. Please say something."
George: "I've always dreamed that before I died, I would get to kiss a truly beautiful woman. I finally get the chance, and I end up blowing off a toe. I'm not surprised. This type of thing always happens to me, you know. I know I'll get over it. But the thing that I don't think I'll ever get over, is that when I did kiss you, you pulled away from me."

George turns and looks at her for the first time.

George: "Why did you do that, Bree?"
Bree: "I was just caught off guard."
George: "But, we're dating. Why would it be so surprising I would try to kiss you?"
Bree: "I'm still married to Rex. I mean, we're not even legally separated yet."
George: "He cheated on you. You said you were going to hate him forever."
Bree: "You shouldn't listen to a woman who's just had her heart broken. We tend to lie."

George turns away from Bree and she walks out of the room.

Gym

Lynette walks into the Yoga center pushing Penny in a stroller. Plenty of people are in the waiting area, and she accidentally bumps into one of them.

Lynette: "Hi, sorry."

She looks at the clock. 10:10 a.m.

"Lynette knew serious illness was not a matter to be treated lightly."

She reaches down and picks up Parker and puts him on her hip.

Parker: "What are you doing?"
Lynette: "I'm just picking up my sick poor little baby boy. All right, here."

She takes his hat off, to show his shaved head.

"But making her yoga class was a matter of life and death."

She works her way to the desk.

Lynette: "Excuse me. Sorry. Sorry. Excuse me. Excuse me. Hey Lauren! Hi. We had a really rough morning."
Lauren: "Don't give it another thought."

Lynette smiles.

Outside, on a road

Edie’s car is by the side of the road. Susan rolls a tire to the trunk as Edie leans against the car.

Edie: "I bet you were a cheerleader in high school, weren't you?"
Susan: "My junior year. How'd you know?"
Edie: "Girls like you were always cheerleaders. Clear skin. Honor Roll. Popular. In high school, I was the girl that hung out with the freaks at the loading dock. And smoked. Everyone hated us."
Susan: "Well, you know high school. Thank God we leave that behind!"
Edie: "See, I don't think we do."

Susan twists the torque wrench to tighten a lug nut on the tire.

Edie: "I'm still the outsider that doesn't get invited to the cool parties, and you're still the perky cheerleader who thinks that she can pull the wool over everyone’s eyes."
Susan (cautious): "What?"
Edie: "You came on this trip, paid for the gas, and look at you, you're changing this flat when you know I have auto club. You want something from me."
Susan: "I just know Mrs. Huber’s death’s been hard on you. I want to help."
Edie: "That’s a lie."
Susan: "Why would you think I was lying?"
Edie: "Because we're still in high school. The old rules apply. The cool kids only want to talk to the freaks when they need something. Now you're not getting back in my car until you tell me what it is that you want."
Susan: "Okay. Look, uh, I, I just haven't always treated you well, and I want to make amends."
Edie: "Hm. I still think you're full of crap. But we don't have time to debate this."

Susan puts the torque wrench in the trunk and Edie closes it.

Susan: "You know, for what it’s worth, I would have talked to you in high school."
Edie: "Of all the lies you told, that’s the worst."

Mr. Shaw's House

Mike closes the door to his SUV, then climbs a small hill to a large white house, with a huge front porch. He turns the corner on the porch and sees Mr. Shaw sitting there.

Mr. Shaw: "Single malt?"

Mike stares at him.

Mr. Shaw: "Have a seat. Take a load off."
Mike: "I want it all back. My maps, pictures, my gun, and the money."
Mr. Shaw: "Oh, my money."
Mike: "You are never gonna get anybody who cares as much about finding Deirdre as I do!"
Mr. Shaw: "Why? Because you loved her so much? You abandoned her, remember? You saved yourself, found yourself a nice, safe wife, and you left my daughter to rot, so forgive me if I question your level of commitment."

Mike grabs him, spins him around, pushing him against one of the square porch pillars, and places his forearm against his throat. Still holding him there, he begins speaking.

Mike: "I need to do this! Why are you fighting me?"
Mr. Shaw: "Because you haven't been moving fast enough. And I'm running out of time."
Mike: "What do you mean?"
Mr. Shaw: "It seems I have a tumor. Apparently, it’s pressing on my brain."

Mike backs off.

Mr. Shaw: "I'm gonna die. And I'd like to know what happened to my daughter before I do."

Gym

Lynette is talking to Lauren.

Lynette: "Ah. That was the best class ever. You can just terrific, thank you."
Lauren: "Oh Lynette, this is my friend Kelly."
Kelly: "Hi."
Lynette: "Hi!"
Lauren: "She wanted to meet Parker."
Lynette: "Oh really? Why?"
Kelly: "I'm a survivor. Breast cancer. About six years ago. Can I hug your son?"
Lynette: "Sure."

Kelly kneels down to eye level with Parker.

Kelly: "I know exactly what you're going through. But you're gonna be brave, okay? You are going to survive this, because you are a tough little soldier."

Kelly looks like she is about to cry, and then she hugs Parker. Parker turns and looks at Lynette.

Parker: "Mommy? Am I dying?"

Lynette glances first at Kelly, then at Lauren. She gets down on her knees, eye level with Parker. She makes a funny face with big eyes as she looks him in the eye.

Lynette: "No! you're not dying! People just think that because I shaved your head."
Kelly: "You shaved his head?"
Parker: "Yeah, my brothers put bubble gum in my hair."
Lynette: "Sorry." (Starts walking away) "Excuse me."

"And just like that, Lynette realized the road to enlightenment and spiritual well being was now closed to her."

Outside Bree's House

Bree gardens near her front steps when George, on a pair of crutches, comes up to her.

Bree: "Oh George! What - what a surprise!"
George: "See, I've been doing a lot of thinking, since we talked in the hospital. And - "
Bree: "And?"
George: "Bree, I don't care what we call it! We can call it dating, we can call it hanging out. Whatever it is, I just want to be with you. See, uh, I really need our friendship back."
Bree: "I don't think that would be wise."
George: "Why not?"
Bree: "Well, I mean, wouldn't you keep hoping that in time I would feel the same way about you as you feel about me?"
George: "Maybe."

Bree smiles ruefully and shakes her head slightly.

Bree: "Oh, George."
George: "I wish you wouldn't say ‘Oh, George’ like that. Like I'm so pathetic for even thinking you could love me someday."
Bree: "I don't think you're pathetic. It’s just that...I can't."
George: "Aw, geez. Oh, geez!"

He turns and heads back to his car as fast as he can maneuver on the crutches.

Bree: "Oh George, please don't go!"

He hobbles away, faster and faster.

Bree: "Why can't we talk this over? George, I - "

She reaches out to stop him. He twists away when she touches him and he loses his balance, falling down the brick steps at the end of her front walk, and landing in a heap on the side walk.

Bree: "Oh my God! George, here."

She starts toward him to help him.

George (anguished): "Get away from me!"

Bree jumps back in alarm.

Bree: "You can lean on me."
George: "I don't need you! I don't need anybody!"

By now, he's picked himself up and he slowly makes his way around to the driver's side of the car.

Gabrielle's House

Carlos lies on the bed while Gabrielle comes in from the closet, carrying her shoes. She sits on the bed to put the on.

Gabrielle: "You know honey, tonight's the last night of the boat show. We'll be able to spend some time together before that home and garden thing next week. Carlos."
Carlos: "I'm going to jail. And you're not gonna be here when I get back."
Gabrielle: "What?"
Carlos: "It’s true. And I won't blame you."
Gabrielle: "don't talk like that. Everything is going to be fine. We're going to sort this mess out, and you're gonna be on top again."
Carlos: "Gabrielle, they could find me guilty on every charge. I could go to prison for five years. we'd probably have to sell the house, you'd have to keep working."
Gabrielle: "Okay, Carlos - "
Carlos: "If that happens, can you promise you won't ever leave?"
Gabrielle: "I promise."

She leans forward and kisses him on the lips.

Gabrielle: "I've gotta go."

Torch Lake

Susan is rowing a boat to the middle of the lake while Edie sits with Mrs. Huber's ashes in her lap.

Edie: "This is far enough."
Susan: "Do you need help with the container?"
Edie: "No, I got it open. I'm good."

Edie looks up at the sky.

Susan: "So, what are you waiting for?"
Edie: "I just need a moment, okay?"
Susan: "Oh, of course, take your time."

Edie begins sobbing.

Susan: "Are you okay?"
Edie sobs: "Oh, I'm just so grateful."
Susan: "I know, I know. Mrs. Huber was a good friend to you."

She puts her hands on Edie's lap.

Edie: "I'm not talking about Martha. I'm grateful to you."
Susan: "Me?"
Edie: "Yeah, I've been such a bitch to you over the years, and here you are, rowing me out to dump her ashes."
Susan: "Well, it’s, it's really no, no big deal."
Edie: "Yes, it is. You stepped up when nobody else would. And here I am, thinking you have an ulterior motive. God, Susan, you're such a good person. And I'm such a bitch!"
Susan: "Well, Edie, you're not that bad, and, and, and believe me, I'm, I'm not that good."
Edie: "Oh, yes you are."
Susan: "Oh, please don't do this."
Edie: "Martha may be gone, but the good Lord above has shown me that I'm not alone."

Susan’s eyes look cautiously at the sky.

Edie: "I am so grateful that I still have a true friend."

Edie reaches out her hand. Susan takes it.

Edie: "Thank you, Susan."
Susan: "Edie, I burned your house down."
Edie: "Huh?"
Susan: "I was scared that you were sleeping with Mike, and so I let myself in, and I, I snuck around, I accidentally knocked a candle over, and the whole, just, I'm so sorry! Can you ever forgive me?"

Edie takes her hand back. Then, she throws Martha’s ashes in Susan’s face.

Edie: "Row me back. Now."

Susan coughs a plume of gray ash.

Mr. Shaw's House

Mike and the Mr. Shaw are sitting on his porch.

Mike: "I'm sorry about before, shoving you, I didn't mean to."

Mr. Shaw laughs.

Mr. Shaw: "I'm not going to break. I'm sorry too, for questioning your commitment, your guts. I know better than that."
Mike: "Yeah, you should. I keep this with me, all the time. To remind me why I'm there."

He hands Mr. Shaw a wrinkled photograph of a young Mike with a beautiful woman.

Mr. Shaw: "If it turns out someone hurt her, I want them dead."
Mike: "We need to be sure before we do anything."
Mr. Shaw: "Well, when you're sure. I know I can trust you to take care of it. After all, you already killed for her once."

Gabrielle's House

Carlos is vacuuming the house. Gabrielle comes down the stairs, blows him a kiss, and then walks out. Carlos waits till she's gone, then turns off the vacuum and goes over to the phone and dials a number.

Carlos: "Yes, is this the pharmacy? My wife asked me to call. She lost her prescription. Gabrielle Solis. Yeah, the birth control pills."

As he continues talking, it becomes a voiceover for what Carlos begins doing.

Carlos: "Great. she'll be very relieved. Can she get enough for several months? Yeah, that’s right, better safe than sorry. Thanks a lot. Oh, do you guys deliver?"

Carlos removes the pills from a prescription bag and very carefully, slits open the package. Then, he methodically replaces them with something else.

Susan's House, outside

Edie’s car pulls up and stops outside Susan's house.

Susan: "Edie, please talk to me."

Edie looks away and says nothing.

Susan: "I've been thinking about this for the last ninety miles and you don't have to forgive me. You can go to the police, kick me, you can burn my house down. You just have to know that I am so racked with guilt, I don't think it’s possible for me to suffer any more than I'm already suffering."
Edie: "Boy, I'd like to put that theory to the test."
Susan: "Well, whatever you want to do, Edie, just know that I'm sorry."

Susan gets out of the car and walks slowly up her walkway. Edie gets out of the car and leans against it to call out to Susan.

Edie: "I'm not going to the police."
Susan: "you're not?"
Edie: "No. The insurance company will just want to investigate, and it will delay my check."
Susan: "Thank you."
Edie: "But."

She closes her car door and walks around the car to meet Susan.

Edie: "There is something I want you to do for me."
Susan: "Of course, anything. Uh, you name it! What?"
Edie: "I want to be invited to your poker game."
Susan: "Our poker games?"
Edie: "I'm not saying that I'll go. And I'm not saying that you and your little friends have to be nice to me. But, every once in a while, yeah! It'd be nice to be asked."
Susan: "Well, we meet on Tuesdays, and it’s potluck lunch. Everybody has to bring something."
Edie: "I'm not bringing anything."
Susan: "Oh, you don't have to. Well, this is good. Thank you. I guess I should go take a shower and wash Mrs. Huber off of me."
Edie: "Hold it. I can't stand the thought of Martha’s ashes going down some sewer drain."
Susan: "Well, Edie, I, I have to clean up."
Edie: "Well, this is such a beautiful lawn. We could put her to rest right here!"
Susan: "On my front lawn?"
Edie: "Why not? She could spend all of eternity looking at her house, and keep an eye on the neighborhood. she'd like that. Stand over here, I'll hose you off."
Susan: "I don't think so."
Edie: "You owe me!"

Susan slowly walks onto the lawn.

Edie: "Martha, I'm gonna miss you."

Edie hoses her down.

Mrs. Huber's House

Felicia is looking at a flier advertising the disappearance of Mrs. Martha Huber.

"Death is inevitable. It’s a promise made to each of us at birth. But before that promise is kept, we all hope something will happen to us."

Felicia crumples the flier and throws it away.

"Whether it is the thrill of romance..."

Carlos and Gabrielle are kissing on their couch, and he reclines her.

"The joy of raising a family..."

Lynette is trying to yoga, and three boys go running by, one bumps her.

"Or the anguish of great loss..."

Mike is looking at the photograph again.

"We all hope to experience something that make our lives meaningful."

Mr. Shaw is looking at a photograph of a young woman.

"But the sad fact is, not all lives have meaning."

We see George walk into his house. He turns on the TV and sits down in an easy chair, pulling a TV dinner towards him.

"Some people spend their time on this planet just sitting on the sidelines..."

The TV is showing a copy of the security recording from the pharmacy. It shows Bree making a purchase.

"...waiting for something to happen to them, before it’s too late."

~ The End ~

This spoiler episode was compiled and completed on February 20, 2005 by Amanda Lane (desperate_housewives at yahoo dot com) and Larry.
Last Update: February 20, 2005

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