This was typed by Larry and Amanda, mere humans, and mistakes are possible. If you find any, no matter how trivial, please let me know. (desperate_housewives at yahoo dot com)

Screen caps taken with permission from Larry.

"Tom Scavo" - Doug Savant
"Andrew Van De Kamp" - Shawn Pyfrom
"Claire" - Marla Sokoloff
"Helen Rowland" - Kathryn Harrold
"Mama Solis" - Lupe Ontiveros
"Detective Burnett" - Brett Cullen
"Danielle Van De Kamp" - Joy Lauren
"Dr. Sicher" - Gregg Daniel
"Brian Linder" - Hamilton Camp
"Stagehand" - John Bisom
"Justin" - Ryan Carnes
"Bystander" - Lou George
"FBI Agent" - Nigel Gibbs
"Nurse Kelly" - Joyce Guy
"Betty" - Jill Holden
"Swimmer" - John E. Jimmo
"Detective Beckerman" - John Lacy

Written by: Jenna Bans
Directed by: Larry Shaw

Gabrielle sits in Mama Solis's hospital room, thinking.

As Mary Alice speaks via voice-over, the scenes Mary Alice describes are shown.

"Gabrielle was waiting for her next great idea. Her first great idea came when she was fifteen, after her stepfather paid her a late night visit. She bought a bus ticket to New York the very next day. Her next occurred five years later when she decided to seduce a famous fashion photographer. One week later, she began her career as a runway model, which soon led to her next great idea--her decision to marry Carlos Solis.



Before she knew it, she had jumped off the runway and moved to the suburbs. Her most recent great idea was born out of her boredom with her new life. That's how she came to start an affair with her teenage gardener, which was cut short by a tragic accident. So once again, Gabrielle was in need of a great idea."

A nurse comes in and checks in on Mama Solis.

Nurse: "Mrs. Solis, I know you're worried, but it's going to take time."
Gabrielle: "Hmmm? What is?"
Nurse: "You look sad. I assume you're thinking about your mother-in-law."
Gabrielle: "Oh, no."
Nurse: "So, uh, what were you thinking about?"
Gabrielle: "My life. It hasn't turned out like I thought it would."
Nurse: "Oh, honey!"
Gabrielle: "Oh, I know I shouldn't complain. It's just there's something missing, and I don't know what it is. Do you ever feel that way?"
Nurse: "Hmmm, no. When I go home at night, I sleep like a baby, because I know I did something that day that helped people."
Gabrielle: "That must be a nice feeling.
Nurse: "Hmmm, it is. Of course, there are times I wish I didn't have to work so hard. We've got a real nursing shortage here, and they keep cutting our budget, and..."

The nurse is interrupted by an announcement over the loud speaker.

Announcement: "Attention all available personnel. Code blue, stat. Room 214."

Nurse: "Excuse me..."

She rushes out of the room as the announcement is repeated. Curious, Gabrielle follows her.

Nurse: "Damn it, get a doctor in here, I don't have an airway. No time, I have to intubate. Mr. Getz? Mr. Getz? Listen. You're not dying on me, okay? This tube is to help you breathe. I need you to be brave now!"

"It was then that Gabrielle got her next great idea."

A nurse closes the curtains around the patient's bed.

Gabrielle's House

"She decided to throw the first annual Sacred Heart Charity Fashion Show, to raise money for more nursing staff."

Betty: "Gabby, Gabby, I can't do it. I cannot walk down a runway in one of these dresses. They all make me look so fat. Please, get someone to take my place, Please!"
Gabrielle: "Betty, listen to me."
Betty: "No, no, please."
Gabrielle: "Listen, Betty! Okay? You're not quitting on me now. We're going to find you a gown. It's going to be black, and slimming, and you're going to look great! I need you to be brave now."
Betty: "Okay."

Betty walks off and Gabrielle looks pleased with herself.

"And that night, when she went to bed, Gabrielle slept like a baby."

Credits

Gabrielle's House

"News of the fashion show spread quickly on Wisteria Lane. Though the event was for charity, Gabrielle soon discovered that when it came to the latest fashions, women are seldom charitable. No one knew this better than Edie Britt. She understood that treachery never goes out of style."

Edie finds a dress in the racks that she likes. She begins to rip off the tag that claims it's Susan's dress. As she pulls it from the rack and turns around, she runs into Susan, who was walking up.

Edie: "Susan!"
Susan: "Give me the dress."
Edie: "I gave it a shot!"

She hands the dress over.

In a different part of the room, Helen is admiring the dress she's wearing. Gabrielle comes up.

Gabrielle: "Hi, Helen!
Helen: "Hi!"
Gabrielle: "How's the dress fitting?"
Helen: "Great. Maybe it could be taken out at the shoulder a little."
Gabrielle: "Sure, no problem. There you go."
Helen: "You know, Gabrielle, I never thanked you properly."
Gabrielle: "For what?"
Helen: "For what you did for my son. It was so nice of you to hire John as your gardener."
Gabrielle: "Believe me, it's been my pleasure. How's he doing?"
Helen: "Good, good."
Gabrielle: "I hear he's dating Danielle Van de Kamp?"
Helen: "Well, for now. I think it's just a matter of time before they break up for good."
Gabrielle: "What's wrong?"
Helen: "Oh, she just seems to want much more of a relationship than he does. You remember what's it's like dating teenage boys."
Gabrielle: "Vaguely."
Helen: "Thank you."

She leaves to look at herself in the mirror again.

Carlos comes down the stairs, talking on the portable phone.

Carlos: "No, you tell that son-of-a-bitch Tanaka that if he doesn't call me in an hour, I'm going to go down to his office, find him, and kick his ass."

He hangs up the phone. The women stare at him.

Carlos: "Ladies..."

He walks off.

Susan comes up to Gabrielle.

Susan: "Trouble at work?"
Gabrielle: "I don't know what his problem is. He's making money left and right. I just wish he'd relax."

Off to the side, Edie gets upset.

Edie: "Crap! Crap! Crap! I'm telling you, all of the good dresses are taken. Well, what the hell am I supposed to wear?"
Lynette: "Well, Mrs. Huber never showed up. Why don't you wear this one?"
Edie: "This is an old lady dress. You won't even be able to see my body."
Lynette: "That is so like you, Edie. You're always thinking of others."
Bree: "So, why isn't Mrs. Huber here?"
Edie: "Last I heard, she went to visit her sister. I just can't believe that Martha would agree to wear this. She always said she'd never be caught dead in black."

"Sadly for Mrs. Huber, this was no longer the case."

Outside, in the woods

A large black bag, with a human-shaped lump inside is lying on the ground. Nearby, Paul digs a hole in the ground. When he's done, he drags the bag into the hole. An arm hangs out. He throws the green blender into the hole, next to the body, and then begins shoveling in the dirt.

Susan's House

Julie is spooning ice cream into a bowl when Susan comes in with the mail.

Julie: "Hey Mom!"
Susan: "Julie, you'll never guess who you got a letter from. Zach. Isn't that weird, him writing you?"
Julie: "Yeah."
Susan: "Well open! Open, open, open! He could have said something about Dana!"
Julie: "I'll read it later."
Susan: "Later? What's wrong with now?"
Julie: "I've got tons of homework, mom."
Susan: "Julie, what's going on?"
Julie: "This isn't the first letter I've gotten from Zach. We've been writing each other the last couple of weeks. Are you mad?"
Susan: "No, it's just when I was your age, my pen pal lived on a farm in Ohio, not in a mental institution. You know, that letter is one notch above prison mail."
Julie: "Zach's not crazy. He's just upset over his mom, and his dad doesn't even seem to care. He just needs a friend."

She picks up her ice cream and leaves the kitchen.

Lynette's House

Lynette pays bills at the kitchen table while Tom, holding the baby, packs a bag.

Tom: "I packed the diapers. I'm gettin' the juice boxes and the carrot sticks..."
Lynette: "Sunscreen?"
Tom: "Got it. I'll go pick up the boys, we'll hit the park. And that should give you a good couple of hours..."

They kiss.

Tom: "Enjoy the vacation!"

Lynette leans back in her chair and gives Tom a look. Not a nasty look, just a look.

Tom: "What?"
Lynette: "While you're gone, I'll be here, paying bills and sorting laundry and cooking dinner, so what part of that sounds like a vacation?"
Tom: "Okay, right. You know what? We'll pick up dinner, and, you just take a hot bath, relax. Recharge."

Lynette smiles, her gaze continuing on Tom, and she puts her leg up on the table.

Tom: "Okay, I get it. It's gonna take more than a hot bath to recharge, but, uh, don't forget: I'm here all week!"
Lynette: "Then what?"
Tom: "Then we go back to normal?"
Lynette: "Tom, our last version of normal had me popping pills. Normal is a bad, bad plan."
Tom: "Okay, so we'll put our heads together and we'll come up with a solution."
Lynette: "I think we need to hire a nanny. Full time. "
Tom: "It's just...it's a big, big commitment."
Lynette: "I know. And I know we can't afford it. And I know everything that's happened is my fault. But, if I don't get some help, there's an excellent chance, I will lose my mind."
Tom: "Okay. Well, then we have to make it work."

Andrew's Swim Meet

Andrew horses around with his friends. Rex and Bree are in the stands, watching him.

Bree: "It's just not right."
Rex: "What?"
Bree: "A woman is in a coma, because of Andrew. And there he is, happy as a clam!"
Rex exhales. "Well, we grounded him, we took away the TV in his room. How many more ways do you want to punish him?"

Bree turns to look at Andrew, who's put his swimming cap on, gotten on the diving board, and is ready. The buzzer sounds, and he dives into the pool.

Bree: "I think we should make him quit the swim team."
Rex: "Bree, this is the one thing in his life that he's passionate about!"
Bree: "Well maybe if we take it away from him, then he'll start to understand what he did! He has not shown an ounce of remorse since the accident."
Rex: "Of course he feels bad! He's just, you know, keeping up a façade."
Bree: "Well, he's doing a fabulous job!"
Rex: "Look, if we take him off the swim team, he'll lose his shot at an athletic scholarship, and then he's never going to forgive us!"
Bree: "Well, if it insures he grows up with some trace of humanity, then that's a risk I'm willing to take!"
Rex: "Well, I'm not."
Bree: "Well, that's because you just don't love him as much as I do!"

Bree and Rex have faced off against each other, ignoring the swimming. The man in front of them glances back at them briefly before turning his attention back to the meet.

Rex: "Well, isn't that nice."
Bree: "It's just a fact. I'm his mother. He lived inside of me."
Rex: "He hung out in your womb for a few months back in the 80s. Since then, I have grown to love him just as much as you!"

The whistle blows and the audience begins to clap.

Bree (to the man in front of them): "What just happened?"
Man: "That kid you both love so much just won the race."

Bree looks at Andrew, who's slapping high-fives with other teammates, and she and Rex both start clapping.

Gabrielle's House

Preparations are being made for the fashion show when Gabrielle walks in, coming up to John.

Gabrielle: "John!"
John: "My mom said you needed volunteers, so, I'm volunteering."
Gabrielle: "Oh! Finally got the charity bug?"
John: "You sound surprised."
Gabrielle: "No, not really. You were always a giver."
John: "Would you knock it off? My mom's right over there."
Gabrielle: "Have a seat. You can start by helping us alphabetize the donation cards."

She hands them to him. He sits down and starts going through the box. She sits down across from him.

Gabrielle: "So word on the street is you and Danielle might break up."
John: "Maybe. I don't know."
Gabrielle: "Is that because of me?"
John: "Not everything is about you."

Gabrielle takes her foot out of her shoe and then puts it on John's inner thigh and pushes forward.

John (jumps): "Would you stop that!"
Gabrielle: "Have you been thinking about me?"
John: "No."
Gabrielle: "Really."

John gulps.

Gabrielle: "Could have fooled me."

Susan walks in the room and goes up to Helen, who's working at the other end of the table.

Susan: "Hey, do you need any help?"
Helen: "Please, just pull up a chair."

Helen spills papers on the floor.

Helen: "Oh, gosh."
Susan: "Oh, that's okay. I've got it."

Susan looks under the table and sees Gabrielle's foot massaging John's thigh. She bumps her head on the table.

Susan: "Ow! Oh!"

She comes out from underneath the table and looks down to where Gabrielle and John are seated, apparently oblivious to each other.

Gabrielle's House

Gabrielle comes down her stairs to answer the door. Susan is there.

Gabrielle: "Susan, hi! Do you want to help with the seating cards?"
Susan: "Sure. Do you want to tell me why you had your foot in John Rowland's crotch yesterday?"
Gabrielle: "Oh, that! Uh... He was helping me adjust the seam in my stocking, and from your angle, it must have looked a little weird."
Susan: "You're sleeping with him, aren't you?"

Gabrielle quickly comes out to join Susan on the porch, closing the door behind her.

Gabrielle: "Okay, yes, but you have to promise not to tell anybody."
Susan: "Gabrielle, he's in high school, and, it's illegal, and you're married. If Carlos found out, this would kill him."
Gabrielle: "It's just sex, it's totally harmless."
Susan: "How can you call something like this harmless? After everything you know about what I went through with Carl?"
Gabrielle: "This isn't about you."
Susan: "Yes it is. It's about me, and about every other person who was screwed over by somebody they loved. When Carl ran off with Brandy, you saw what a basket case I was. I was crying, I, I was tearing up his clothes, I couldn't get out of bed all day. You were right there. How could you do the same thing?"
Gabrielle: "Whh--How can compare me to Carl? It's not fair. You have no idea what my life is like."
Susan: "Well, why don't you enlighten me? You're beautiful, you have more money than you could spend, and you have a husband who adores you!"
Gabrielle: "No, he doesn't adore me. He adores having me."
Susan: "That's a rationalization and you know it! See you at the show."

She leaves with Gabrielle looking after her.

Outside Lynette's House

Lynette is putting Baby Scavo into her car seat. Bree stands by the car, talking with Lynette.

Bree: "How many nannies did you interview?"
Lynette: "Ten. Ten! Each one more incompetent than the last. One actually asked me--here you go (she gives the bottle to the baby)--if she was expected to change diapers."
Bree: "Oh, good nannies are so hard to find."
Lynette: "Yeah, that's why I was hoping to take advantage of your expertise."
Bree: "Oh Lord, what do you want me to do?"
Lynette: "All your rich friends have nannies. A-list nannies. I need to catch one--here you go--without their bosses."
Bree: "Why?"
Lynette: "So I can poach me one."
Bree: "Lynette..."
Lynette: "Look, at my old job, we didn't wait for good people to come to us. We went out and raided other companies. I don't see why it should be different when you're hiring a nanny."
Bree: "I understand that good help is hard to find, but stealing a family's nanny is so...unseemly."
Lynette: "I'm not twisting anyone's arm. If I make a better offer, why shouldn't a qualified person reap the benefits? So come on...where can I score some high grade nanny?"

Outside

John is putting supplies in his truck when Gabrielle walks up to him.

John: "Hey, Mrs. Solis. I have some awesome news."
Gabrielle: "I have some not-so-awesome news, so you go first."
John: "I broke it off with Danielle. I passed her a note during French class. So we can be together."
Gabrielle: "John, your timing is impeccable."
John: "What do you mean?"
Gabrielle: "Susan Mayer saw us last night, and she knows everything."

John sighs.

Outside of Bree's House

Bree closes the trunk to her minivan and walks to the front lawn with some fertilizer. Andrew, in his second-story bedroom, has the window open and leans outside. He catches sight of Bree. She looks up and sees him and starts inside.

"Since the accident, Bree had started to worry that her son's sense of morality was going up in smoke."

Andrew quickly pulls his head back into the room and starts cleaning up the remnants of something he was smoking.

"She was right to be concerned."

Bree knocks on the door.

Bree: "Andrew, can I come in?"

Andrew waves the air.

Andrew: "Uh, yeah, just a sec."

He opens the door.

Andrew: "Hey, what's up?"
Bree: "Why are you smiling?"
Andrew: "Ummm.. It's just a joke that I heard."
Bree: "Oh. What was it about?"
Andrew: "It's kind of dirty, Mom."
Bree: "Charming. What I was wondering was if you've bothered to spend any time reflecting on the reasons that you've been grounded, and all the pain that you've caused the Solis family."
Andrew: "Yeah, I, I totally get how actions have affected, like, everything else."
Bree: "Really?"
Andrew: "Uh-huh. Like, I mean, you know, like, when I do something, like I did. And, you know, you guys do something like you did, which is, which is, you know, cool because uh, then everything just kind of balances itself out, and, and goes all, smooth again, you know?"
Bree: "No, I don't."

She pauses and sniffs the air.

Bree: "What's that smell? Have you been smoking marijuana?"

Bree grabs his head and stares at Andrew's eyes."

Andrew: "No. Of course not."
Bree: "You are strung out!"
Andrew: "No! No, no, no, Mom"
Bree: "Excuse me,"

She storms past him out of the room, leaving Andrew standing there speechless with his hands out in front of him. She goes to the kitchen, searching in the cabinets for something.

Bree returns with a plastic cup. She hands it to him.

Andrew: "What's that?"
Bree: "It's the container you'll be urinating into."

She grabs him by the ear and starts dragging him.

Andrew: "Ow! Ow! Ow! That hurts!"

Paul's House

Paul stands at the sink, scrubbing at bloody clothing in a wash basin. The blood is not coming out He throws the clothing into a garbage bag when somebody knocks at the door.

Paul: "Dr. Sicher, what are you doing here?"
Dr. Sicher: "Mr. Young, I, I didn't want to upset you by telling you over the phone."
Paul: "What is it?"
Dr. Sicher: "Zach is missing from Silvercrest. It happened yesterday evening. We think it happened during the shift change. I know this is difficult to hear. I'm sorry."
Paul: "Yeah, well, it's, uh, just been one of those days."

Outside of John's House

John and a friend are playing basketball.

Friend: "I still don't get while you're not with Danielle anymore. She looked so slutty at Ray's party."
John: "She's not my type, I guess."
Friend: "What? Oh, you still hung up on your mysterious married lady? What is it with her, besides the obvious, of course?"
John: "We talk about real stuff, you know? She doesn't treat me like some lame yard boy."
Friend: "But you are a lame yard boy."
John: "It's all messed up now, anyway. Her friend found out about us. When it gets out, her husband is going to kill me."
Friend: "But on the upside..."

Helen, John's mother, walks outside, unbeknownst to the boys, carrying the trash.

Friend: "...your social status at school is going to explode when people find out you're doing a hot housewife!"
John: "Shut up, dude!"

Helen stands there frozen.

Paul's House

Paul: "Please explain to me how he could just walk out. With the money that I pay you people, I would think you could afford a padlock."
Dr. Sicher: "With all due respect, we are not a high security facility. And you have restricted our ability to treat Zach."
Paul: "What the hell does that mean?"
Dr. Sicher: "You've insisted that we medicate him without psychotherapy. That is a recipe for disaster. Zach is a troubled young man, and he is getting progressively worse."

Susan's House

Zach looks out a window.

Julie: "Hungry?"
Zach: "Starving."

She hands him a plate.

Valley View Park

"Bree had given Lynette the low down on Valley View Park. It was a gathering place for upscale nannies and their young charges. It was Lynette's first time there, and she was determined not to go home alone."

She walks past a nanny blowing bubble gum and reading a magazine.

"Of course, Lynette had high standards, so making a connection..."

She walks past a nanny picking several French fries up off the ground, about to eat them

"...wasn't easy. Still, she was desperate to find that special someone..."

She walks past an older nanny with a popsicle in her hand, asleep on the bench, quietly snoring.

"And that's exactly who she found."

Lynette stops behind the bench of a young nanny with two children in front of her.

Claire: "Okay. All-righty. Here's one for you and one for Amy."

She gives the girl a kiss.

Claire: "All right. Have fun..." she winks, "...and I'll be right here if you need me, okay?"

The children run off.

"From the moment she saw her..."

Lynette: "Is this seat taken?"
Claire: "Nope, go ahead."

"...Lynette knew she had to have her."

Lynette: "You know, I couldn't help but notice how wonderful you are with those children."
Claire: "Thanks."
Lynette: "I'm Lynette."
Claire: "Claire."
Lynette: "Claire? I've always loved that name. So Claire..." She laughs. "Do you come here often?"

Golf Course

Rex is walking toward his golf ball on the course. A golf cart with Bree in it approaches Rex on the course. She gets out and walks toward him. She hands him a plastic container with a yellow liquid.

Rex: "What's this?"
Bree: "Your son's urine."
Rex (to his golf partner): "I'm gonna need a moment,"
Bree: "I think Andrew has been smoking marijuana, so I want you to take this and get it tested right away."
Rex: "Why?"
Bree: "Because I want you to pull him from the swim team and I don't think you'll allow it without proof."
Rex: "Proof or no proof, you're not going to take him off the team."
Bree: "Yes, I am."
Rex: "If you try, I'm going to go to the coach and tell him to ignore you. We're not gonna screw up Andrew's future just because he sparked a dooby! I mean, come on, we've all done it!"
Bree: "Not all of us! Rex, I thought you moved back home to try and straighten Andrew out! To, to teach him the consequences of his actions. I don't understand why you're fighting me on this."
Rex: "Because I disagree. Because we're still getting divorced, and I don't have to let you push me around anymore."
Bree: "I never pushed you around. We always made our decisions together."
Rex: "No, you always made decisions, and tell me I agreed. Eighteen years of smiling and taking it. What, what a liar I was! Thank God you're out of my life!"
Bree: "Rex!"
Rex: "Hmmm?"

He turns.

She throws Andrew's urine all over Rex.

Rex: "What the hell are you doing?"
Bree: "The same thing you just did to every memory I have of our marriage."

She gets back in the golf cart.

Rex: "You know what? If you were my mom, I'd smoke pot too!"

Valley View Park

Lynette: "So your boss made you return her underwear?"
Claire: "Yep. After she had already worn 'em once."
Lynette: "Couldn't you have just said no?"
Claire: "You don't say no to Alexis. If you want to keep your job."
Lynette: "She sounds awful."
Claire: "What can I do? I love the kids."
Lynette: "Well, if we had a nanny like you at my house, we would treat her like gold. Did I mention I have four very loveable kids?"
Claire: "Really."
Lynette: "Oh, yes."

Claire becomes upset suddenly and starts packing up the items around her.

Claire: "Oh no."
Lynette: "What?"
Claire: "It's Alexis. I don't want her to get the wrong idea, so you should go."
Lynette: "Are you going to be here tomorrow? I want to see you again."
Claire: "No, I'm busy."
Lynette: "I just want to talk."
Claire: "Lynette, this isn't right."
Lynette: "Claire, Claire, please."

Claire pulls a business card out of her purse and gives it to Lynette

Claire: "All right. I will be at this address until noon tomorrow. Now go!"

Lynette leaves and Claire picks up her items to meet Alexis.

Outside Susan's House

Susan is sitting on a wicker sofa on her front lawn, painting. John walks toward her.

Susan: "What are you doing here?"
John: "I know you know, and you're probably freaking out, so I just wanted to explain. What me and Mrs. Solis have -- it's deep -- you know. We've got a future, it's not just sex."
Susan: "Listen to me. There is no future for you and Gabrielle. She's not going to divorce Carlos and run away with you."
John: "Why not?"
Susan: "Because he has money. A lot of it."
John: "Look, I'm not going to be mowing lawns forever. I have big plans for my life."
Susan (stands up): "Okay. Just stop talking. John, how old are you?"
John: "Almost eighteen."
Susan: "Exactly. You are not mature enough to have a realistic perspective on this relationship. You would be so much happier with a girl your own age."
John: "She's the one I want. You know, I really love her."

Susan sighs and caresses John's face.

Across the street, Helen sits in her car, watching.

Fashion Show

As a woman walks down the runway, Tom Scavo is the runway announcer.

Tom: "Please welcome Mrs. Arlene Norn. We have Arlene and her husband Norris to thank for all our folding chairs this evening. So, please remember for all your folding chair needs...rent Norn's."

In the back, Gabrielle helps Betty into a tight dress.

Tom: "Next up we have Mrs. Betty Nolan."

Gabrielle pushes Mrs. Nolan towards the stage and turns back to the rest of the back stage.

Gabrielle: "Thank god Tom could fill in at the last minute."
Bree: "Why did Carlos have to back out?"
Gabrielle: "Some work emergency. He wouldn't talk about it. Sometimes I could just kill him."
Lynette: "Well, look on the bright side, Tom's having the time of his life."

She peeks out onto the runway where Betty scampers off stage and Tom turns his head to watch her go.

Tom: "Hands off, fellas. She's all mine."

Lynette: "I guess he does have a sort of dorky charm."
Gabrielle: "Okay, you're up first, followed by Lynette, uh, and then Edie...Edie. Where's Edie Britt?"

Edie walks in.

Edie: "Over here..."

The black dress Mrs. Huber was supposed to wear is now on Edie, but it's been cut down to reflect Edie's style.

Gabrielle: "Edie, what did you do to that dress?"
Edie: "Well, I made it audience friendly. Can you tell I'm not wearing any underwear?"
Gabrielle: "Yes!"
Edie (curtsies): "Good."
Susan: "Sorry I'm late."
Lynette: "You should never take this dress off for your entire life!"
Susan: "Really? I look okay?"
Bree: "Oh, Susan, you look so gorgeous." She turns to Edie. "Doesn't she, Edie?"
Edie: "Huh. It's a bit much."
Bree: "Gabrielle, you have to change the lineup. Susan has to go last. Nothing is going to top this."
Susan: "Oh no, isn't Helen Rowland going last?"
Lynette: "Oh, she never showed up, somebody's got to take her place."
Gabrielle: "You know, I think that's a great idea! Okay, let's go!"

The others walk away and Gabrielle steps up to Susan.

Gabrielle: "You really do look fantastic."

Gabrielle smiles at Susan, almost painfully. Susan walks away without saying a word.

Tom: "Next up, we have Mrs. Bree Van de Kamp in a pink party dress with laser-cut full skirt and silk belt. And here is another exquisite ball gown by Halston, modeled by the devastatingly sexy Lynette Scavo. Notice the fine detail, the clean lines. The dress is nice too. Next up, please welcome Edie..."

Cheers and whistles from the crowd as Tom falters.

Tom: "...Brit. Edie Britt!"

Helen walks in and hands her dress to a young man in a black t-shirt.

Helen: "Please tell Gabrielle I'm sorry I backed out of the show. I'm just not in a very festive mood right now."
Susan: "Helen, Helen, you're here! Did they tell you about the change in lineup? I'm going to go last if that's okay."
Helen: "There's a special place in hell for people like you."
Susan: "I'm sorry, it wasn't my decision."

Helen slaps Susan hard.

Helen: "You're an adult, take some responsibility!"
Susan: "What is wrong with you?"

Helen shoves Susan backwards.

On the runway, Edie steps forward provocatively, and eases out of the long black jacket she was wearing, revealing that the dress she's wearing doesn't cover much.

Tom: "Edie is wearing a dignified classic, perfect for a Sunday tea or Christenings."

The catfight continues backstage.

Susan: "Oh! Ow! For God's sake, Helen, this is for charity!"

On stage, Edie turns around and begins walking back.

Tom: "Edie Brit, everyone!"

Backstage, Helen reaches down and rips off the bottom of Susan's dress.

Helen: "Keep your hands off my son!"
Susan: "What?"

On stage...

Tom: "And, uh, finally, to cap off our evening..."

A guy in a black t-shirt approaches Susan.

Guy: "Come on, you're up."

He drags Susan to where she has to make her entrance.

Susan: "I thought that..."

Tom: "...please welcome, Susan Mayer!"

Susan is pushed into the spotlight. She cowers, her hands on her thighs, leaning forward ungainly.

All the ladies stare. Edie chuckles quietly.

Gabrielle: "Tom, say something!"
Tom (looks at his note cards): "A vision in white silk, chiffon..."

Susan takes small steps forward, her hands gathering the dangling part of her dress to cover her thighs. Her right shoe dangles awkwardly.

Tom: "...with gold, hand-painted French lace, and lavender..."

Susan attempts a small smile as her friends start the applause, and the audience kindly joins in.

Tom: "Susan Mayer."

Then Susan turns and hurries out.

Edie: "She's never looked better!"

She laughs.

Backstage, a very quiet Susan is putting her clothing back on.

Gabrielle: "Susan, I feel awful about what happened. Susan, talk to me!"
Susan: "Okay, you want me to talk? You're going to find Helen Rowland, and you're going to tell her the truth, before everyone in this neighborhood thinks that I'm the one sleeping with an underage boy."
Gabrielle: "I can't do that!"
Susan: "Why not?"
Gabrielle: "Because she'll tell Carlos, and he'll divorce me!"
Susan: "So what? You obviously don't love him."
Gabrielle: "I do love him! I do! It's just complicated! You know, there's, there's got to be another way to fix this."
Susan: "God, you are so weak!"

Susan turns to leave.

Gabrielle: "Susan, don't be like this!"
Susan: "What did you expect-a hug?"

Outside Alexis' House

Lynette walks to the house where Claire told her to be. The house has a lot of toys in the front. Claire comes running out the front door.

Lynette: "Hey."
Claire: "Shhh.
Lynette: "...I took..."
Claire: "Alexis is still here."
Lynette: "What?"
Claire: "She was supposed to go to Pilates, but she got her period. You've got to go."
Lynette: "Just give me a second."
Claire: "No, she saw you at the park. okay? She knows what you're trying to do. You're not the first person to approach me."
Alexis: "Claire!"
Lynette: "How can you stay here after the way she treats you?"
Claire: "She can be tough, but it comes with the territory, right?"
Lynette: "I would never treat you that way."
Alexis: "Claire, what did you do with the aspirin?"
Lynette: "I will give you a 20% bump on what she is paying you, plus overtime."
Alexis" "Damn it, Claire, where the hell are you?"
Claire: "I don't take orders from your friends, I'm not a telephone answering service, and I don't do laundry."
Lynette: "Dishes?"
Claire: "Only the kids'."
Lynette: "How fast can you pack?"

They shake on it. Claire goes back inside and Lynette runs back to her van, doing a little dance as she does so.

Lynette: "I've got a nanny..."

Susan's House

Julie empties out a wooden chest on her bed. Dollars and coins fall out.

Julie: "Where are you gonna go?"
Zach: "I don't know. But I can't go home."
Julie: "Are you afraid of your dad?"
Zach: "No, it's not him, all right? It's, it's me. My life is really messed up. It's bad."
Julie: "What's bad? You can tell me."

She puts her hand on his arm and he flinches away.

Zach: "No, I can't! It's better that you don't know."

Julie walks to her dresser and removes the blanket with the word "Dana" on it. She shows it to him.

Julie: "I already know a little."

She hands the blanket to Zach. He touches the blanket, looking at the word "Dana." and starts to tear up.

Outside Bree's House

Bree walks outside to meet her daughter, who's coming up the walk.

Bree: "Hi, Danielle, how was school?"
Danielle. "It was okay."
Bree: "Good. Where does Andrew keep his marijuana?"

Locker Room

Bree is in the boy's locker room adjacent to the pool. She walks up to a locker and looks at a laminated list she's holding. It reads "Numbers of Relevance" and includes both Andrew's and Danielle's school locker combinations. She opens his locker.

"Bree had resorted to extreme measures to save her son's soul. As she rummaged through Andrew's private possessions..."

Bree finds the marijuana stuffed into a sock. She puts it in her purse.

"...it occurred to her that sometimes a little betrayal is good for the soul."

Bree puts the marijuana back where she found it.

Susan's House

Susan and Zach sit by her bed in her room.

Zach: "I was really young, like four. I heard my mom and my dad yelling. I heard them yell my name and hers."
Julie: "Dana?"
Zach: "Um hm. So I went down to the room, and I saw them cleaning it up."
Julie: "Cleaning what up?"
Zach: "Blood."
Julie: "Was it Dana's?"
Zach: "I think so. I couldn't remember this for the longest time. And then my mom killed herself and I started having these dreams. I don't even see Dana. I just, I see, I see the blood, and my mom picking me up, and putting, putting me on the bed, and whispering that it's not my fault. But after that, every time I'd say her name, they'd get upset. I wasn't even allowed to say it anymore."
Julie: "I'm not sure I understand what you're saying."
Zach: "I killed my baby sister."
Julie: "Zach. Oh my god."
Zach: "And they buried her. To protect me."

Julie leans forward and hugs Zach. And then he leans forward and kisses her lightly on the lips.

Helen Rowland's House

Gabrielle parks her car across from the house and walks up to Helen, who's just come outside.

Gabrielle: "Helen! Do you have a minute?"
Helen: "Oh, Gabrielle, I didn't get a chance to tell you how sorry I was about what happened at the fundraiser. I didn't intend to cause a scene."
Gabrielle: "No, it's okay, people didn't even notice."
Helen: "Well, this is a little awkward. I know you are friends with Susan Mayer. But let's just say. I had my reasons."
Gabrielle: "It wasn't Susan. It was me."
Helen: "What?"
Gabrielle: "I'm the one who was sleeping with your son. I'm so sorry."
Helen: "For how long?"
Gabrielle: "Almost a year. But it's over now."
Helen: "So, when it started, he was sixteen?"
Gabrielle: "I think..."

Helen reaches into her mail box and takes out the mail.

Gabrielle: "But Helen, you have to believe me. It's over now."
Helen: "No, you're wrong. it's not even close to being over."

She turns away and walks back up to her door.

School

Andrew's friend: "Dude, coach wants to see you."
Andrew: "Really? Hey, I bet it's about my scholarship."

Andrew walks into the locker room. His locker is open, with the coach standing next to it. The bag of marijuana is in plain sight. The coach takes it out and waves it in front of Andrew's face.

Bree's House

Bree's arranging flowers when the phone rings.

Bree: "Hello? Yes, this is she... Marijuana in his locker? Oh, I'm just...horrified. There must be some sort of terrible mistake. Um, yeah, okay. Well, I will be right down."

Bree finishes arranging the flowers and smiles.

Lender's Shop

A man sands down a box.

"Elsewhere, another darker secret was the object of an investigation."

A man in a dark suit walks in.

Detective Beckerman (shouting): "Mr. Lender! Mr. Lender!"
Mr. Lender: "Huh?"

He turns off the saw and turns around.

Detective Beckerman: "Detective Beckerman. This is Detective Burnett. We were hoping for a minute of your time."

Nighttime; Outside Susan's House

Susan walks up to her house. She sees Paul talking to Julie and she walks hurriedly up to them.

Paul: "...if you know anything about Zach's whereabouts you need to tell me now."
Susan: "Honey, what's going on?"
Paul: "Zach's gone from Silvercrest. They found letters in his room. Letters from Julie."
Susan: "Well yes, they were writing to each other."
Paul: "I need to see those letters."
Julie: Mom, they're private."
Paul: "My son is missing."
Susan: "Julie, in the letters, did Zach say anything about running away?"
Julie: "No."
Susan: "There's your answer."
Paul: "Susan."
Susan: "If we hear anything, I will let you know right away. I understand how worried you must be."
Paul: "Obviously you don't."
Susan: "Paul, my daughter doesn't lie."

Paul walks away and Susan rubs Julie's hand reassuringly. Julie looks at her, worried.

Detective's Office

Mr. Lender looks through photos of the recovered box Paul threw into the river.

Mr. Lender: "This is a very popular design. I must have sold several hundred of these just like it, about ten years back."
Detective Beckerman: "You keep any kind of documentation?"
Mr. Lender: "Yeah, I have a list of customers names on file. Somewhere. It's been a while."
Detective Burnett: "We'll need a copy of that list."
Mr. Lender: "Oh sure. Wow, this chest looks like it's been through hell."
Detective Beckerman: "Yeah, we pulled it out of Rockwater Lake. You could say 'by way of hell', considering."
Mr. Lender: "Was there anything in the chest?"
Detective Burnett: "It had a body inside. Adult female."
Mr. Lender: "Yeah, but how do you fit a body into a chest that size?"
Detective Beckerman: "It was chopped up."

He walks away from a wall where many photographs are of the box and its contents. As the camera pulls away, gruesome forensic pictures of chopped up bones, both stuffed in the box, and laid out on a table, are seen in the photos.

Bree's House

Bree gets dinner on the table while Rex berates Andrew.

Rex: "Of all the stupid, boneheaded decisions. What were you thinking?"
Andrew: "I was set up. All right? The coach got an anonymous phone call."
Rex: "Andrew, what does it matter. The pot was there!"
Andrew: "I was holding it for a friend!"
Rex: "You know, I can't decide which is more humiliating. The fact that my son got caught with pot in his locker, or that he can't even come up with a decent enough lie to explain it!"

He walks away. Andrew shakes his head and goes to look at his mother. Bree, settin the table, looks back.

Susan's House

Carlos is going through papers.

"Gabrielle believed there was an excellent chance Helen Rowland would inform Carlos of his wife's extramarital activities. Gabrielle knew she had to come clean."

Gabrielle: "Carlos."
Carlos: "Yeah."

"But coming clean..."

Gabrielle: "I uh."

"...was not one of Gabrielle's specialties."

Gabrielle: "I'm going to bed."
Carlos: "Thanks for the news flash."

Gabrielle sees police cars pull up in front of the house, lights flashing.

She gasps.

Gabrielle (quietly): "She turned me in."

She rushes back to her husband and falls on her knees in front of him.

Gabrielle: "Carlos! Carlos! I am so sorry! I am so sorry!"
Carlos: "Sorry for what?"
Gabrielle: "Just know that whatever happens, I love you very, very much!"

Knocking is heard on the door.

FBI: "FBI, open the door."

Knocking is again heard on the door.

Carlos: "Oh my God..."
FBI: "FBI, if you do not open the door, I am authorized to enter the premises by use of force."

Carlos opens the door.

FBI: "Carlos Solis, I have a warrant for your arrest. You have the right to remain silent."
Gabrielle: "Huh?"
FBI: "Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law."
Carlos: "Call our lawyer."
FBI: "You have the right to speak with an attorney, or have an attorney present during questioning. If you cannot afford a lawyer, one will be appointed for you at government expense."

One of the FBI men hands Gabrielle a piece of paper.

Gabrielle: "Carlos, wait!"
Carlos: "Gabrielle, this will all be taken care of, I promise. I'm innocent, I swear to God. It was Tanaka. He set me up."

He's put into the back of the police car and is driven off.

"People are complicated creatures. On the one hand, able to perform great acts of charity."

Remnants of the fashion show are swept up.

"On the other, capable of the most underhanded forms of betrayal."

Carlos sits quietly in a jail cell.

"It's a constant battle that ranges within all of us, between the better angels of our nature, and the temptation of our inner demons."

Bree walks down the hallway, holding laundry. She comes to Andrew's room, where she stops to look in. Andrew is sitting on his bed, crushing out in an ashtray something he was smoking. He gets off the bed and closes the door in Bree's face.

"And sometimes the only way to ward off the darkness..."

Julie, lying on her bed, looks down at Zach, who's sleeping on the floor.

"...is to shine the light of compassion."

Outside Gabrielle's House

Gabrielle is sitting quietly on her front porch. Susan comes up to her and sits down.

Gabrielle: "They took him away in handcuffs."

Susan puts her arm around Gabrielle, trying to soothe her.

~ The End ~

This spoiler episode was compiled and completed on December 28, 2004 by Amanda Lane (desperate_housewives at yahoo dot com) and Larry.
Last Update: March 22, 2005

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