Episode 01.07 - "Anything You Can Do" Mrs. Huber: "Competition. It means different things to different people. In Suburbia, it means keeping up with the Jones's. On Wisteria Lane, that means keeping up with Bree Van de Kamp. Everyone knew Bree had the nicest lawn in the neighborhood. And no one begrudged her this. No one, that is, except Martha Huber, whose own lawn paled in comparison. No matter how carefully she trimmed...or how lovingly she watered...or how generously she fertilized...the grass was always greener on the other side of the fence." Woman: "So, what did everybody think?" Lynette: "I thought the character of Madame Bovary was ... very inspirational." Woman: "Inspirational? She poisons herself with arsenic." Mr. Shaw: "Mr. Young, sometimes evil drives a mini van. I had this gig once, tracking down this PTA mom, was hell-bent on landing her daughter a spot on the parade float. Fed anti-freeze to half the homecoming committee." Mr. Shaw: "Did you catch her?" Detective: "Mr. Young, the people who hired me didn't hire me to catch her." Gabrielle: "I have a problem with you seeing other girls." John: "Well, I have a problem with you having a husband. I guess we'll both have to learn to deal." Rex: "Our marriage is disintegrating. Of course Andrew is acting out. He has every right to be angry." Bree: "If Andrew is angry about you moving out of the house, then perhaps he should shove your head into a locker!" Rex: "Bree, I've gone to an attorney. You're gonna to be served with divorce papers later today." Bree: "You went to an attorney?" Rex: "Yeah! And a good one too!" Bree: "Well he better be good, because when I'm finished with you, you won't have a cent to your name!" Rex: "Bring it on!" Julie: "Mom, you're getting too dressed up." Susan: "I know, but I wanna look really sexy." Julie: "I told Mike I expect him to have you home by eleven." Susan: "Hmm. How about midnight?" Julie: "All right, but no later. You know how I worry. So, you, uh, got protection?" Susan: "Oh my god. We are so not having this conversation." Julie: "We are because I enjoy being an only child." Susan: "Are you finished?" Julie: "Almost. You know, I always assumed I would have sex for the first time before you would have it again." Susan: "Hey, Edie!" Edie: "Wow! Get a load of you! You look so pretty. I hardly recognize you." Susan: "Oh this? Well, I have a date. Right now. With Mike. We kissed. FYI." Edie: "Hey, how was your big date?" Susan: "Mike had to reschedule." Edie: "Oh. Because of the hot girl? With the suitcase? Over there? Gosh, how devastating for you. FYI." Paul: "Look, I just want to move this place fast. I'll do whatever we have to do." Edie: "Well, that's good to know. You do realize that you're going to have to disclose the fact that your wife killed herself in the house. Paul: "I am?" Edie: "Oh, yeah. Legal crap. You know, people get really freaked out by suicides. You can't blame 'em. Hell, I get the willies just standing here." Paul: "Is there any way to get around it?" Edie: "Off the record? You could say that she shot herself in the living room, and then crawled out back to die." Gabrielle: "Well, as it turns out, Pershing Modeling Academy has an opening for their summer program. Would you like me to sponsor you?" Danielle: "Would I? Oh my god, that's like one of the best schools in the country! You would do that for me?" Gabrielle: "I sure would." Danielle: "I would so love to go to New York." Gabrielle: "Oh, and I would so love to help you get there." Kendra: "What happens when your girlfriend finds out you're not just this sweet, neighborly plumber? You're lying to her, Mike." Bree: "Did you offer to help Danielle get into modeling school?" Gabrielle: "What? Uh, yes, no, um, is that how she heard it?" Bree: "Yes. Gabrielle, did you, or did you not offer to sponsor her?" Gabrielle: "I just wanted to help out." Bree: "It’s in New York, for God’s sakes, why on earth would you suggest that?" Gabrielle: "It’s her dream, and don't you want her to be happy?" Bree: "No, and in the future I would appreciate you keeping your ridiculous ideas to yourself!" Paul: "Before my wife shot herself, we lived a life that I was proud of. We loved each other. We had values. We went to church. We gave to charity. We were good people Mr. Shaw." Mr. Shaw: "I believe you." Paul: "That’s why it’s so incomprehensible to me that Edie Brit would try to destroy us." Mr. Shaw: "Well, you've suffered a great loss. For your pain to heal, that’s going to take some time." Paul: "I can't wait, I need help now." Mr. Shaw: "For five grand she’s hurt. For ten grand she’s gone." Edie: "Susan! What brings you here?" Susan: "I just wanted to say goodbye to Mary Alice’s house, before somebody else moved in." Edie: "Aw, that sounds almost plausible." Susan: "I beg your pardon?" Edie: "Oh, come on. We both know why you're here, and the answer is yes, they are having sex. No question." Susan: "You don't know what you are talking about. They're just friends." Edie: "Hmm, think so? I overheard them saying they're going to the Saddle Ranch tonight. For drinks. And dancing." Susan: "So friends can do that." Edie: "Oh my god, I just want to slap and shake you." Edie: "For the record, I was rooting for you to land him." Susan: "And why would you root for me?" Edie: "Well, I figured it would be easier for me to steal Mike from you than her - she seems like fun!" Susan: "Everybody’s looking at me, aren't they?" Mike: "Just the slapstick fans." Susan: "Oh God, why couldn't I have just have been knocked unconscious?" Mary Alice: "Competition, it means different things to different people. But whether it’s a friendly rivalry...or a fight to the death...the end result is the same. There will be winners...and there will be losers. Of course, the trick is to know which battles to fight. You see, no victory comes without a price."