This was typed by Larry and Amanda, mere humans, and mistakes are possible. If you find any, no matter how trivial, please let me know. (desperate_housewives at yahoo dot com)

Screen caps taken with permission from Larry and Wisteria Lane.

Written by: John Pardee & Joey Murphy
Directed by: Larry Shaw

An middle-aged man is jogging in Wisteria Lane. As he runs, a younger, more fit man runs past him easily.

"Competition. It means different things to different people. In Suburbia, it means keeping up with the Jones's. On Wisteria Lane, that means keeping up with Bree Van de Kamp. Everyone knew Bree had the nicest lawn in the neighborhood. And no one begrudged her this. No one, that is, except Martha Huber, whose own lawn paled in comparison.

No matter how carefully she trimmed...
...or how lovingly she watered...
...or how generously she fertilized...
...the grass was always greener on the other side of the fence."

Mrs. Huber throws down some fertilizer she had been holding, and notices the middle-aged man jog up to her place. He stops in front of Mrs. Huber.

Mrs. Huber: "Hello, Victor, how are you today? Out jogging again?"
Victor: "I can't catch my breath."
Mrs. Huber: "Would you like a slurp from my hose?"

He nods, then collapses to his knees falling on the ground.

Mrs. Huber: "Victor? Victor? Don't worry, I'm going to get an ambulance!"

She starts to go inside, then stops, looking over next door to Bree's house.

"Then one day, Mrs. Huber finally got the chance to mow down the competition."

Mrs. Huber transports Victor by red wheelbarrow to Bree’s lawn, and dumps him in the flower bed.

Mrs. Huber: "Help! Somebody help!"
Bree gasps. "What happened?"
Mrs. Huber: "He collapsed on your hydrangeas! Call 911!"

Bree runs inside.

Later, Victor is put on a stretcher and EMS workers whisk him away in an ambulance. Bree looks down at her destroyed lawn in dismay.

"Yes. Mrs. Huber understood the first rule of competition. In order to win, you have to want it more..."

Credits

Bree's House

There is a copy of Madame Bovary by Gustave Flaubert on a wooden table, next to a tray with crackers and garnish.

"When I was alive, my friends and I came together once a month for a meeting of the Wisteria Lane Book Club. We found the problems of literary characters so absorbing."

"...the way they dealt with adversity..."

"...conducted illicit affairs..."

"...endured domestic dramas..."

"...and planned romantic conquests."

"But since my death, my friends had lost their interest in fiction. Their own problems had become absorbing enough."

Bree's House

Woman: "So, what did everybody think?"
Lynette: "I thought the character of Madame Bovary was ... very inspirational."

She pushes her baby carriage around the room. Susan nods her agreement as she turns a page in her copy of the book.

Woman: "Inspirational? She poisons herself with arsenic."
Lynette: "Really?"
Woman: "You didn't read until the end?"
Lynette: "I stopped after page 50."
Woman: "Am I the only one who read the book?"
Susan: "I saw the movie. It was really good."
Woman: "Ladies! I'm sorry, but wh-wh-what is the point of having a book club if we don't read the book?"
Bree: "More wine? So, uh, Reba, Emma and Lori... Why don't you girls come to the kitchen and help me with the snacks?"
Woman: "Sure."
Bree: "I will be right in."

The three women walk into the kitchen and Bree closes the double doors on the three ladies, trapping them in the kitchen.

Bree: "God, I couldn't wait to get rid of them! So, Lynette said that you found Zack."
Susan: "He’s at a rehabilitation center. Julie snuck in and actually talked to him."
Lynette: "Did he say anything about his mother's suicide?"
Susan: There wasn't enough time. He did say one thing that was kind of mysterious. He said something happened to someone named Dana, and that he could never ever talk about it."
Gabrielle: "Who the hell's Dana?"
Lynette: "That's the mystery part."
Susan: "I figure Dana has something to do with what Mary Alice was trying to hide."
Lynette: "So somebody found out Mary Alice’s secret..."
Bree: "...and sent the note."
Gabrielle: "So who the hell is that?"

Susan shrugs.

The detective lays a copy of the purple stationary next to Mary Alice's note in front of Paul.

Detective: "The stationary is particle #17, 100% cotton. It is made by Cyprus Office Products. In stores in twelve cities, including yours. We traced that postmark back to your local post office."
Paul: "Meaning?"
Detective: "Meaning that the blackmailer is probably someone you know. A neighbor, milkman, pool boy, soccer mom..."
Paul: "Soccer mom?"
Detective: "Mr. Young, sometimes evil drives a mini van. I had this gig once, tracking down this PTA mom, was hell-bent on landing her daughter a spot on the parade float. Fed anti-freeze to half the homecoming committee."
Paul: "Did you catch her?"
Detective: "Mr. Young, the people who hired me didn't hire me to catch her."

Lynette's House

Lynette puts away a book as Tom comes down the stairs. Lynette scurries around the kitchen, cleaning.

Tom: "Wow, honey, look, this place looks spotless!"
Lynette: Thanks."
Tom: Listen, I have come up with this killer idea for the Spotless Scrub campaign."
Lynette: "Great! You wanna run it by me?"
Tom: "No. I'm good. But, thanks."
Lynette: "Okay." She smiles and turns away.
Tom: "Well, that's the thing. You know how whenever I pitch in the boardroom at work, how Kennesey always tears my ideas down in front of the partners?"
Lynette: "Yeah?"
Tom: "I invited the partners and their wives over so I could pitch to them here. And I thought we could make a formal dinner for six. We could sit, we could..."
Lynette: "And when exactly would this formal dinner take place?"
Tom: "Uh ... day after tomorrow!"
Lynette: "Tom!
Tom: "Yeah, I know, I know, I know, I know I know it's short notice."
Lynette: "You think? How am I supposed to pull off a formal dinner with no warning?"
Tom: "I don't know. Bree Van de Kamp does this kind of thing all the time..."

Lynette stops what she's doing to stare at him.

Lynette: "What did you say?"
Tom: "Well, I'm sorry, I didn't mean it like that. That's - you know what, forget it. I'll call and I'll cancel. Don't worry about it."
Lynette: "No, no. Let’s, let's do it.
Tom: "Really?"
Lynette: "Yeah, it’s good for your career. I'll pull it off."

Tom comes over and kisses her.

Tom: "Yes. Honey, thank you. So much. You know, what, I promise. I land you this account, and I'm gonna buy you something awful pretty."

He goes back upstairs.

"Luckily for Tom, Lynette had a recipe for success..."

She opens the drawer with the pills, but upon taking it out, realizes that it's empty.

"...unfortunately for her, she was missing the secret ingredient."

Outside Gabrielle's House

Mama Solis is sitting on the front porch, reading. John turns off the lawn mower and goes to his truck to get something. His phone rings, so he answers it.

John: "Yeah?"

It's Gabrielle. She comes out on her balcony as she talks, looking down at him.

Gabrielle: "It's me. Don't turn around, my mother-in-law can see you."
John: "I hate that she's always watching us."
Gabrielle: "So meet me at the motel in an hour? John?"
John: "Uh, I've got plans."
Gabrielle: "So cancel."
John: "They're with Danielle. We're going to the movies."
Gabrielle: "That sounds like a date."
John: "Yeah."
Gabrielle: "Well, I have a problem with you seeing other girls."

John turns around to stare up at her as he talks.

John: "Well, I have a problem with you having a husband. I guess we'll both have to learn to deal."

He hangs up on her and stalks off, with Mama Solis watching him thoughtfully. Gabrielle, furious, storms into her bedroom, where she tosses the phone on her bed before going into the bathroom.

John's phone rings and he looks at the caller ID, which reads "Mrs. Solis."

He answers the phone.

John: "Don't even try to make it up to me by talking dirty"

The phone goes dead.

John: "Hello?"

Upstairs, in Gabrielle's bedroom, Mama Solis closes Gabrielle's cell phone, a look of smiling comprehension on her face. She puts the phone carefully back down on the bed.

Principal's Office

In the principal's office of Andrew's school, Rex and Bree are seated. Bree is reading from Madame Bovary while Rex sits quietly. The principal walks in.

Principal Stark: "Mr. and Mrs. Van de Kamp. So, your son decided to entertain some of his friends yesterday by shoving a freshman’s head into a locker."
Bree: "This was the Johnson boy?"
Principal Stark: "Yes. He broke the boy’s nose. Because of our no tolerance policy, your son may face expulsion."
Rex: "You're going to ruin his whole future over a little rough housing? "
Bree: "Rex, this was practically assault."
Rex: "Mrs. Stark, what Andrew did was clearly wrong, but in his defense, his mother and I are going through severe marital problems."
Bree: "Is that relevant?"
Rex: "Our marriage is disintegrating. Of course Andrew is acting out. He has every right to be angry."
Bree: "If Andrew is angry about you moving out of the house, then perhaps he should shove your head into a locker!"
Rex: "All I'm saying, is that we need to take some of the responsibility here."
Bree: "And so does Andrew! Blaming his actions on our problems..." Bree turns to Principal Stark, "...which are not so serious..." she turns back to Rex, "...does not help him."
Rex: "Our problems are serious!"
Bree: "Mrs. Stark, you handle this however you see fit."
Rex: "Bree, I've gone to an attorney. You're gonna to be served with divorce papers later today."
Bree: "You went to an attorney?"
Rex: "Yeah! And a good one too!"
Bree: "Well he better be good, because when I'm finished with you, you won't have a cent to your name!"
Rex: "Bring it on!"
Principal Stark: "Perhaps detention is the way to go."

Susan's Bedroom

Susan gets dressed for her date with Mike.

Julie: "Mom, you're getting too dressed up."
Susan: "I know, but I wanna look really sexy."
Julie: "I told Mike I expect him to have you home by eleven."
Susan: "Hmm. How about midnight?"
Julie: "All right, but no later. You know how I worry. So, you, uh, got protection?"
Susan: "Oh my god. We are so not having this conversation."
Julie: "We are because I enjoy being an only child."
Susan: "Are you finished?"
Julie: "Almost. You know, I always assumed I would have sex for the first time before you would have it again."
Susan: "Okay, you can leave now."

She pushes Julie out of her bedroom, smiling, as she closes the door behind her.

Mike's House

Mike finishes getting dressed in a suit, and looks at himself in a mirror. He turns to Bongo, who's lying on the floor watching him.

Mike: "What do you think? Trying too hard? Well, what do you know, it’s 80 degrees outside and you're wearing fur."

He hears a knock on his front door, so he grabs his keys and opens the door. Standing there is a beautiful woman.

Kendra: "Hey, Mike."

Susan crosses the street in her dress to Mike's house. She sees Edie outside of Paul Young's house, putting up a For Sale sign, and stops to talk.

Susan: "Hey, Edie!"
Edie: "Wow! Get a load of you! You look so pretty. I hardly recognize you."
Susan: "Oh this?" Susan laughs. "Well, I have a date. Right now. With Mike. We kissed. FYI."

She walks up to Mike's house and knocks on the door. He opens it, looking uncomfortable. He steps out onto the porch with Susan, closing the door behind him.

Susan: "Ooo, love that jacket. Good choice."
Mike: "Um, look, Susan, I'm really sorry, but I've got to cancel. I had an -unexpected house guest."

The door opens from the inside, revealing Kendra.

Kendra: "Coming through! Oh, sorry. Hi, I'm Kendra."
Susan: "Susan."
Kendra: "I'm gonna run to the car and get my stuff."

Susan walks to the edge of the porch, looking at Kendra.

Mike: "I know how this looks, but there is nothing between us. Kendra is just an old friend."
Susan: "Old friend?"
Mike: "Yeah, you know..."
Susan: "Yeah. Yeah. No, actually no, I don't know. So, by old friend, do you mean college pal, bowling buddy, saved you from drowning?"
Mike: "It’s hard to explain."
Susan: "Could you give it a shot?"

Kendra returns.

Kendra: "Mike, I'm going to go upstairs and take a shower."

She goes inside.

Mike: "I promise, I'll make this up to you. And you look ... amazing."
Kendra (calling from inside): "Mike, where are the towels?" He turns and leaves.
Susan: "Thanks."

Susan is walking back to her house, hiding her face with her purse as she passes by Edie.

Edie: "Hey, how was your big date?"
Susan: "Mike had to reschedule."
Edie: "Oh. Because of the hot girl? With the suitcase? Over there? Gosh, how devastating for you. FYI."

Paul's House

Paul and Edie walk into the kitchen.

Paul: "Look, I just want to move this place fast. I'll do whatever we have to do."
Edie: "Well, that's good to know. You do realize that you're going to have to disclose the fact that your wife killed herself in the house.
Paul: "I am?"
Edie: "Oh, yeah. Legal crap. You know, people get really freaked out by suicides. You can't blame 'em. Hell, I get the willies just standing here."
Paul: "Is there any way to get around it?"
Edie: "Off the record? You could say that she shot herself in the living room, and then crawled out back to die. Well, I'm just saying! Oh, I've gotta go. I'll call you tomorrow."

She leaves. Paul sees that she's left behind some of her stuff and calls out to her.
Paul: "Edie, wait."

He notices that sticking out the leather folder is a piece of light purple stationary. He pulls it out to stare at it.

"Paul had always known Edie Brit was capable of doing anything to close a deal."

Paul opens up the container he was keeping Mary Alice's note in. He compares the two pieces of paper.

"But now he realized she was capable of so much more."

Outside

Gabrielle is jogging when she runs into Danielle, who was being dropped off by some friends. She stops to talk.

Gabrielle: "Hey, Danielle."
Danielle: "Hey, Mrs. Solis."
Gabrielle: "Oh, Danielle, remember when you said you wanted to be a model?"
Danielle: "You remember that? That was, like, last summer!"
Gabrielle: "Well, as it turns out, Pershing Modeling Academy has an opening for their summer program. Would you like me to sponsor you?"
Danielle: "Would I? Oh my god, that's like one of the best schools in the country! You would do that for me?"
Gabrielle: "I sure would."
Danielle: "I would so love to go to New York."
Gabrielle: "Oh, and I would so love to help you get there."

Park

Jordana sits on a bench, watching her children play, when Lynette comes up to her.

Lynette: "Hey, Jordana!"
Jordana: "Hey Lynette, how are you? You look a little tired. Is everything okay?"
Lynette: "Actually, I'm getting ready for a dinner party tomorrow night. Six people."
Jordana: "Sounds fun."
Lynette: "Big fun. Say, you wouldn't have any of your kids ADD medication that you could spare just to get me over the hump?"
Jordana (calling to her kids): "Tina! Don't push your sister. Gosh Lynette, I'm really running low. I need all my energy I can get. My sister, Elaine, and her kids are flying in town for a week."
Lynette: "Yeah, that's exciting. I wish my sister would visit more often."
Jordana: "Yeah, sisters are great."
Lynette: "Yeah. Just three or four pills, I'm really hitting a wall here."
Jordana: "Yeah, the come down can be a real bitch. I wish I could help."
Lynette: "I'm not going to forget about this, Jordana."
Jordana: "What's that supposed to mean?"
Lynette: "It means come Girl Scout Cookie time, don't bother bringing little Tina, because we won't be home!"

She leaves.

Bree's House

Bree, Rex, Andrew, and Danielle sit at the dining room table. Danielle brushes her hair, Rex has a glass of soda in his hands, and Bree has a nearly empty wine glass in front of her.

Andrew: "What's this about?"
Rex: "You both know that your mother and I have been unhappy for quite a while. And after a lot of soul searching, we've decided it would be better if we got divorced."
Bree: "But whatever problems your father and I have, it doesn't change the fact that we love you very, very much,"
Andrew: "I've got a question."
Bree: "Go ahead sweetheart. Ask whatever you want."
Andrew: "Can I live with dad? I mean, c'mon, mom, let's face it. We drive each other crazy."

Bree sits still for a minute, then she and Rex look at each other.

Bree: "Is, is that what you would prefer, Danielle? To live with your father."
Danielle: "I don't really care, as long as I have my own bathroom."
Bree: "Um, all this, um, wine is, uh, giving me a headache."

She gets up and leaves the room. Rex looks after her.

Mike's House

Mike's maps are spread out over his kitchen table. Kendra leans over the table, looking at them.

Kendra: "Six weeks in the suburban jungle, and this is all you got?"
Mike: "There are over three hundred families in this subdivision. It will take time to check 'em all out."
Kendra: "Dad said the last time he saw you, you were ready to quit."
Mike: "Well, I changed my mind."
Kendra: "This is a gigantic waste of your time and my father’s money.
Mike: "You afraid of the old man burning through your inheritance?"
Kendra: "That’s not funny. Mike, here’s the thing."
Mike: "What?"
Kendra: "Dad can't chase ghosts alone. If you stop, he'll have to accept it’s over. Let me have my father back."
Mike: "If I quit he'll just hire somebody else."
Kendra: "Not if you tell him there’s nothing here to find."
Mike: "Oh, I can't do that."
Kendra: "What happens when your girlfriend finds out you're not just this sweet, neighborly plumber? You're lying to her, Mike."

Susan's Garage

Susan and Lynette are looking through Susan’s garage. Susan takes a blanket from one of the boxes and tosses it to the side, pulling out something for Lynette.

Susan: "Oh, here it is."
Lynette: "Great, this will keep the crab dip warm. It took forever to shell the little buggers, but it'll be worth it."
Susan: "You shelled your own crabs? Okay, I don't want to butt in, but are you doing too much? Because you look exhausted."
Lynette: "Oh, I'm fine. I just need some coffee." Lynette kisses Susan. "Thank you."

She starts to walk away. Susan notices the blanket she put aside before.

Susan: "Oh my god, look at this embroidery."
Lynette: "'Dana.' Where did this come from?"
Susan: "Paul Young’s garage sale."
Lynette: "Dana. Wow. Dana was a baby."

Lynette rubs her fingers over the blanket.

Outside of Bree's House

Rex brings Andrew outside, with his hand over Andrew's eyes.

Rex: "Surprise!"
Andrew: "No way!"
Rex: "Yep."
Andrew: "No way!"
Rex: "Yeah, it’s all yours! Here are the keys."

Bree comes outside.

Bree: "Rex, what’s this about?"
Rex: "I went and splurged a little. Oh Danielle, here’s your present." He pulls a suitcase out of the back.
Danielle: "Luggage?"
Rex: "Yeah. It’s to take with you to the Pershing Modeling Academy. I'm footing the entire bill."
Danielle: "You mean that I can really go to New York?"
Bree: "Wait a minute. What's all this about a modeling academy?"
Danielle: "It’s my new career. Mrs. Solis is sponsoring me."
Bree: "Oh, is she now! And when you were planning on telling me?"
Rex: "She told me, and I think it’s a great idea."
Bree: "Don't you two see what he is doing? He’s trying to get you on his side. He’s trying to buy your love."
Rex: "Oh for God’s sake, don't be paranoid!"
Bree: "A car? A modeling academy? You should have discussed these gifts with me first. I'm sorry kids, but we cannot accept them."
Andrew: "Dad, you can't let her do this!"
Rex: "Bree, we just told the kids we're getting divorced. Isn't it time to spoil them a little?"
Bree: "I said no."
Rex: "You know what, they're my kids too, and I can give them anything I want."

He takes the keys from Bree's hands and puts them in Andrew's hand.

Rex: "There you go!"
Andrew: "Yes!"
Danielle: "Thank you Daddy!"

The kids get in the car and drive away.

Bree glares at Rex. He stands to face her, triumphant. She watches her kids drive away, passing by the Solis residence as Gabrielle pulls up in her car.

Bree storms over to where Gabrielle is removing shopping bags from her car.

Bree: "Did you offer to help Danielle get into modeling school?"
Gabrielle: "What? Uh, yes, no, um, is that how she heard it?"
Bree: "Yes. Gabrielle, did you, or did you not offer to sponsor her?"
Gabrielle: "I just wanted to help out."
Bree: "It’s in New York, for God’s sakes, why on earth would you suggest that?"
Gabrielle: "It’s her dream, and don't you want her to be happy?"
Bree: "No, and in the future I would appreciate you keeping your ridiculous ideas to yourself!"
Gabrielle: "Bree..."

Bree leaves, furious.

John, who heard the conversation, looks at Gabrielle with hostility, and then turns away.

Gabrielle: "John...John..."

Gabrielle runs after him.

John: "You're so jealous of Danielle, you try to ship her off to New York?"
Gabrielle: "I'm not jealous. I just don't like to share."
John: "Well, you know what, I quit. The yard. Us. Everything!"
Gabrielle: "Oh, don't be that way."
John: "Well, what’s the point if we can never be together? You know, an hour here, an hour there."
Gabrielle: "I don't want us to end on a bad note. Carlos has this black tie thing tonight. I could slip..."
John: "Mrs. Solis..."
Gabrielle: "John, please, what we had was so special. I think it deserves a proper goodbye."

She runs her hand down John’s tank top.

John: "We'd still be over though..."
Gabrielle: "Of course!"

Mama Solis, hiding around the corner, smiles, as she eats something.

Neighbor's House

Lynette and the neighbor watch their kids scream and play in the backyard.

Lynette: "I knew this play date was a good idea."
Woman: "Oh, yeah. Thank you for suggesting it. Your boys are the only ones I know who could tire out Timmy."
Lynette: "Yep. He's a feisty one."

The woman laughs and agrees.

Lynette: "Hey, word on the street is that you've been medicating Timmy..."
Woman: "Oh yeah, for his ADD. The pills have been a godsend."
Lynette: "I bet...can I use your bathroom?"

In the bathroom, she closes the door behind her, then quickly flushes the toilet, then turns on the water in the sink. She opens up the medicine cabinet and takes down the ADD pill container. She opens it and swallows one, then puts the container back.

"As Lynette swallowed the stolen medication of an eight-year-old child, she vowed she'd never again sink to such depths..."

Lynette takes the bottle again and pours a handful into her hand.

"... any time soon."

Paul's House

Sitting in a car, Paul and Mr. Shaw look at Mary Alice's note, comparing it with the stationary from Edie.

Mr. Shaw: "Well, looks like you've got your blackmailer. Is it time to bring in the police?"
Paul: "That’s not really an option for me. Before my wife shot herself, we lived a life that I was proud of. We loved each other. We had values. We went to church. We gave to charity. We were good people Mr. Shaw."
Mr. Shaw: "I believe you."
Paul: "That’s why it’s so incomprehensible to me that Edie Brit would try to destroy us."
Mr. Shaw: "Well, you've suffered a great loss. For your pain to heal, that’s going to take some time."
Paul: "I can't wait, I need help now."
Mr. Shaw: "For five grand she’s hurt. For ten grand she’s gone."

Outside of Bree's House

Andrew and Danielle drive up to Bree's house. Outside of the house are all of their possessions. Bree methodically adds more items to the piles on the lawn.

Danielle: "Mom, what’s going on?"
Bree: "Oh, I'm throwing you out. I've separated all your things into two sides. One side is yours, Danielle, and the other one is Andrews."
Andrew: "Okay, you've lost it."
Danielle: "Where are we supposed to live?"
Bree: "Darned if I know. Uh, Danielle, everything in the north quadrant of your side is clothes and books and such, and the south side are miscellaneous items."
Andrew: "Mom, this isn't going to work. Okay, I'm not giving up my car."
Bree: "That’s a smart idea, because you're probably going to have to sleep in it for a while."
Danielle (while picking up her items): "Mom, you can't stop us from going back inside the house."
Bree: "Oh, no? That's Mr. Conlan, the locksmith. He's been very helpful today. Of course, I could give you the new keys, which would mean you'd have to adhere to my rules, which would include giving back your father's gifts."
Danielle: "Okay, fine, you win. I won't go to New York."

Bree drops a key into Danielle's hand and then looks expectantly at Andrew. He shakes his head.

Andrew: "I'm outta here."

Outside Paul Young's House

Mike and Kendra start up towards the open house that Edie is having for Paul Young's house.

Kendra: "An open house in the suburbs? This is beyond quiche."
Mike: "Behave yourself. It’s one of the houses on the street I've had a hard time getting into."
Kendra: "God, I wish you would let this go."

They pass by Edie who overhears the first part of their conversation.

Mike: "I'm taking you out for drinks tonight. There’s this cowboy bar called the Saddle Ranch, you need to see."
Kendra: "Why?"
Mike: "It’s the last place anybody ever saw your sister."

Susan walks up to the house and runs into Edie.

Edie: "Susan! What brings you here?"
Susan: "I just wanted to say goodbye to Mary Alice’s house, before somebody else moved in."
Edie: "Aw, that sounds almost plausible."
Susan: "I beg your pardon?"
Edie: "Oh, come on. We both know why you're here, and the answer is yes, they are having sex. No question."
Susan: "You don't know what you are talking about. They're just friends."
Edie: "Hmm, think so? I overheard them saying they're going to the Saddle Ranch tonight. For drinks. And dancing."
Susan: "So friends can do that."
Edie: "Oh my god, I just want to slap and shake you."

Edie walks away.

Susan sees Kendra touch Mike’s stomach playfully.

Susan: "Where did you say they were going tonight?"

Susan runs after Edie.

Saddle Ranch

Susan: "I don't know why I let you talk me into coming here. There is obviously nothing going on between them."
Edie: "Where are you going?"
Susan: "I'm going to the bathroom and I'm going home. I don't want Mike to catch me here."
Edie: "It’s only been ten minutes. She could be waiting to make her move."

In the background, a man rides a mechanical bull.

Edie: "Oh come on, you're not gonna beat a girl like that by knocking off early."
Susan: "It’s not a competition."
Edie: "The hell it isn't."
Susan: "Good night, Edie."
Edie: "Suit yourself. But for the record, I was rooting for you to land him."
Susan: "And why would you root for me?"
Edie: "Well, I figured it would be easier for me to steal Mike from you than her - she seems like fun!"

Gabrielle's Bedroom

Gabrielle lies on the bed, in a bathrobe. Carlos and Mama Solis stand by the bed.

Carlos: "Just take some antacid."
Gabrielle: "It’s not those kind of cramps."
Carlos: "This is a business dinner. It’s important."

Gabrielle groans.

Mama Solis: "Relax. You and I can go alone. Gabrielle can stay here and get better."
Carlos: "Fine. I'll see you in a couple of hours."
Gabrielle: "Okay. Take good care of Carlos."
Mama Solis: "Oh, I always do."

She closes the door behind her and Gabrielle gets off of the bed.

Saddle Ranch

Susan starts to leave when she notices Edie riding the mechanical bull in the center of the ring. She bends over to pick up the hat that Edie threw to her. When she stands up, Mike is standing there.

Susan: "Mike! What a small, small world."
Mike: "Yeah, it sure is. I caught Edie hiding in the back."
Susan: "No kidding, is she here?"

Slowly, Mike turns his head to where Edie is playing to the crowd.

Mike: "Yeah. Yeah, she said, uh, the jig is up, and then she went to ride the bull. Oh, and she said you two came together."
Susan: "Oh, well, yeah, we, we did, uh, I just thought she left."
Mike: "Are you following me?"
Susan: "What? No, no, I just came here, you know, with Edie. We, just, love to ride that bull."
Mike: "You ride the bull."
Susan: "Yeah, yeah, it’s a real rush."
Mike: "Come on, Susan, give me a break."
Susan: "No, you give me a break! I did not follow you here, and even if I had followed you here, it’s because you've been so secretive about Kendra."
Mike: "Kendra and I are friends."
Susan: "And I came here to ride the bull!"

She plops Edie's hat on her head and a nearby cowboy hears her and dings the triangle he has in his hand. He lets out a whoop and calls out "We've got another one to ride the bull!"

Susan’s eyes go wide. Mike backs away to watch.

Cowboy: "Okay little doggie, you're up!"
Susan: "Oh fun. I'm a doggie."

She steps into the ring where the bull is and looks over at Mike, who smirks at her. She throws her purse to Mike, pulls up her shirt, and ties it. The crowd of mostly men catcalls at her.

"Woo, baby, woo!"

Susan: "Oh, yeah, I'm here to ride the bull. Check it out! Okay! Yeah! Woo! Baby! Woo!"

She tosses the hat into the crowd. It hits a man, who falls onto the controls for the bull. The bull starts to buck, and Susan, not yet on it, falls over, landing hard on the rubber mat.

Rex's Hotel Room

Rex: "Andrew, you promised you'd stay with your mother. That’s why I gave you the car."
Andrew: "Dad, she wants me out! She put all my stuff on the front lawn."
Rex: "This is ridiculous. I'm going to call her, and I'm going to smooth all this out. you're going home."

Rex picks up the phone. Andrew grabs it and puts it down.

Andrew: "No, Dad why? Now I can live with you without feeling guilty. It will be perfect. It will be like our own little bachelor pad."

Rex walks away.

Andrew: "What?"
Rex: "Son, that’s not gonna happen."
Andrew: "Why not?"
Rex: "Andrew, these past few months have been incredibly difficult for me. There are a lot of things that I've got to work out for myself, and I can't do that if you're living with me. I'm sorry."
Andrew: "I don't care. All right. I'm not going back there.
Rex: "I don't think you have a choice."
Andrew: "But Dad..."
Rex: "Uh-uh."

Andrew storms out. Rex calls after him.

Rex: "Oh, come on now, don't!"

Andrew's Car

Andrew makes a call on his cell phone.

Andrew: "Keith? Yeah, it’s me. Do you still have that fake ID? Yeah, I've got to go home and kiss my mother’s ass. I am not going to it sober!"

He drives off.

Lynette's House

Tom and his guests are in the living room while Lynette works in the kitchen. As they laugh and joke, Lynette brings out a plate of desserts and sets it on the coffee table.

Woman: "Oh, the desserts are wonderful. Lynette, do you need any help?"
Lynette: "I've got it covered, no problem."

In the living room, Tom outlines his ideas to his boss.

Boss: "Okay, Scavo, you're up. Let's here this genius idea of yours."
Tom: "Okay. Uh, okay. The single greatest obstacle facing Spotless Scrub is a lack of visibility. We need to concentrate ads in places where women spend a majority of their time."

Lynette, smiling, listens from the kitchen as she prepares more dessert.

Tom: "For example, large chain grocery stores. Picture Spotless Scrub ads on the side of every mother’s shopping cart."
Boss: "Interesting."
Lynette: "Oh, you know what would be even better? Dry cleaning bags."
Tom: "What?"
Lynette: "No, really, hear me out. Put a big Spotless Scrub ad between a woman and her cashmere sweater, and I guarantee you'll get her attention."
Tom: "Honey, honey, that's great. I'm in the middle of a thing here."
Lynette (still smiling): "Oh!"
Boss's wife: "She’s got a point. And those dry cleaning bags hang in our closets forever, and so it is like constant advertising."
Lynette: "Exactly!"
Tom: "You know, maybe there's a way that we can work that in - "
Boss: "You know, this is kind of a fantastic idea. Can we go nationwide with this?"
Lynette: "Why not? Start by targeting the top chain, then branch out from there. Boom, boom, boom. Mass saturation. Oh, and you know what else would be a great idea? Here's the thing ..."

"While Lynette was commanding everyone's attention..."

Saddle Ranch

"...Susan was trying to remain inconspicuous."

Susan: "Everybody’s looking at me, aren't they?"
Mike: "Just the slapstick fans."
Susan: "Oh God, why couldn't I have just have been knocked unconscious?"
Kendra: "Beer?"
Susan: "Absolutely. Oh. Ow! Ow, ow."
Mike: "Susan, this is Kendra."
Susan: "We've been introduced."
Mike: "No, this is Kendra. We've been friends for years. She’s here on a visit. She’s leaving tomorrow. That’s it."
Kendra: "It's true. I have no designs on this man whatsoever."
Mike: "I'll be right back."

He leaves Kendra and Susan alone at their table.

Kendra: "Sorry about the misunderstanding,"
Susan: "Me, too."
Kendra: "So, how long have you two been seeing each other?"
Susan: "Well, you sort of interrupted our first date. But up until then, smoking hot tension. Sounds pathetic, I know."
Kendra: "No, I think it’s good to take it slow. you'd be smart to be careful."
Susan: "Any particular reason?"
Kendra: "Look, Mike’s a wonderful guy, really. But you should ask him why he moved to Wisteria Lane. It’s one hell of a story."
Mike: "Here, I got some ice. Here ya go."
Susan: "Thanks."

Mr. Shaw walks into the Saddle Ranch and spots Edie, who's saying good night to a group of men. He comes up to her.

Mr. Shaw: "Hey, there."
Edie: "Well, good evening! Have a seat."

Gabrielle's Bedroom

Gabrielle and John collapse on her bed, spent.

John: "I could get used to this whole closure thing,"
Gabrielle: "I love long good byes."

Outside Gabrielle's House

Mama Solis gets out of a taxi cab, talking to the driver.

"Wait around the corner. I'll be right back."

She rushes into the house and into Gabrielle's bedroom, where the light from the hallway falls onto Gabrielle and John, kissing on the bed. Mama Solis holds a camera up to her eye and looks through it, snapping a picture.

"Smile, Gabrielle."

Mama Solis leaves. John pushes Gabrielle off of him and grabs his clothing. Gabrielle gets off of the bed calmly and goes to her closet, where she begins carrying clothing to the bed, where she's placed a suitcase.

Gabrielle: "Well, that’s it then."
John: "Where are you going? he had a camera, we've got to catch her. Mrs. Solis, your husband's gonna kill us. Come on!"

He rushes downstairs.

Mama Solis: "Leave me alone!"
John: "Gimme that camera right now!"
Mama Solis: "Shut up!"
John: "I'm not kidding, old woman!"
Mama Solis: "Stay away from me! Don't touch me!"

She hits him and he falls on the floor.

She rushes out of the house, running and looking behind her. A car careens around the corner. She stops in the middle of the road as it speeds towards her. Shocked, she can only stand there.

As Gabrielle packs, she can hear tires screeching, and then a thud. She looks out the window and her jaw falls open. The car speeds away.

Gabrielle runs out of the house. Mama Solis lies motionless in the middle of the street.

John joins Gabrielle outside. He starts to head towards Mama Solis, but Gabrielle stops him.

Gabrielle: "No, no you go home. I'll take care of this. And you were never here. Go. Go."

Gabrielle runs towards Mama Solis. The taxi driver comes running.

Taxi Driver: "Did you see that? The guy came barreling around the corner and just hit her."
Gabrielle: "Do you have a cell phone?"
Taxi Driver: "Yeah."
Gabrielle: "Call 911."

He runs to his cab.

Gabrielle stares at Mama Solis, looks around, and then takes the camera lying next to her, putting it in her robe pocket.

The car that hit Mama Solis pulls into a driveway. Its right front headlight is smashed in. Inside the driver's seat is Andrew, who's breathing hard. He looks behind him.

Outside

"As Juanita hovered dangerously close to the white light, Lynette and Tom were heading into a black void."

Lynette: "I was just participating."
Tom: "No, your participation was supposed to be limited to making dinner, not making my ideas look bad."
Lynette: "Well, maybe you need better ideas. I'm sorry-I’m sorry, I didn't mean that."
Tom: "No, no no no no. We both know that your career was going so much better than mine before we had kids. You never let me forget that."
Lynette: "That is not fair!"
Tom: "You are always competing with me, and judging by tonight, you know what, you still are!"
Lynette: "Tom, I am sorry about tonight. Truly, but these days, if I'm competing with anyone, it’s the Bree Van de Kamps of the world with their spotless kitchens, and their perfect kids, who throw fabulous parties where nothing ever goes wrong. I try so hard to keep up, but I can't."
Tom: "Lynette, that’s not my expectation."
Lynette: "And when you work on a pitch, or you bring the partners over, I am reminded of a world I left behind where I was the winner, and people tried to keep up with me! I can't go back. I can't win where I am. I'm stuck in the middle, and it is really starting to get to me."
Tom: "Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. For your information, I thought you threw an amazing dinner party tonight. I was thrilled! I don't know how you pulled it all together."

They look at each other.

Lynette: "Yeah, well."
Tom: "And whether you believe it or not, everyone who knows you thinks that you are a great wife and mother."
Lynette: "No, they don't."
Tom: "Yes they do - especially me."
Lynette: "Thanks."

He pauses.

Tom: "What’s wrong with your eyes?"
Lynette: "Nothing, I'm tired."
Tom: "Turn around, I want to look at you."
Lynette: "I'm fine, really...what’s going on outside?"

Outside

EMS technicians rush to Mama Solis's side while neighbors watch. Gabrielle sits on the steps to her house, watching.

Lynette and Tom rush up to Bree.

Bree: "Oh my god, thank god you're here. Will you go take care of Gabrielle? I have to go home for a minute."

Bree's House

Bree rushes into her house. Andrew is standing there, leaning against a counter, looking shaken.

Bree: "Oh Andrew, thank god you're back. I need your help, honey. There’s been an accident. Andrew?"
Andrew (crying): "Mama."
Bree: "Andrew..."

Bree is on the phone.

Bree: "Rex, you need to come home. Something's happened, and we need you."

Danielle and Andrew hold each other's hands.

"Competition, it means different things to different people. But whether it’s a friendly rivalry..."

At the Saddle Ranch, Susan watches Mike and Kendra head towards the door.

"...or a fight to the death,"

Edie and Mr. Shaw drink together.

"the end result is the same. There will be winners -"

"and there will be losers."

Lynette, drawn and tired-looking, looks at herself in the mirror. She looks at the pills in her hand.

"Of course, the trick is to know which battles to fight. You see, no victory comes without a price."

Quietly, Rex drives Andrew's car into a small garage. Bree stands at the entrance and looks around, and once he gets out of the car, the two of them close the garage door.

~ The End ~

This spoiler episode was compiled and completed on December 19, 2004 by Amanda Lane (desperate_housewives at yahoo dot com) and Larry.
Last Update: December 23, 2004

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