This was typed by Larry, a human, and mistakes are possible. If you find any, no matter how trivial, please let me know. (desperate_housewives at yahoo dot com)

Screen caps taken with permission from William and Wisteria Lane.

"Maisy Gibbons" - Sharon Lawrence
"Dr. Albert Goldfine" - Sam Lloyd
"Juanita Solis" - Lupe Ontiveros
"Jordana Geist" - Stacey Travis
"Dr. Sicher" - Gregg Daniel
"Danielle" - Joy Lauren
"Mrs. Truesdale" - Shannon O'Hurley
"Yoa Lin" - Lucille Soong
"Porter Scavo" - Shane Kinsman
"Preston Scavo" - Brent Kinsman
"Ida Greenberg" - Pat Crawford Brown
"Waiter" - Paul Denniston
"Nurse"- Cindy Lu
"Receptionist" - Kathy McGraw

Written by: Tracey Stern
Directed by: Fred Gerber

Mary Alice begins speaking as the camera pans over to Gabrielle and Carlos's house, and then inside the house, where the two of them and Mama Solis eat breakfast.

"Suburbia is a battleground, an arena for all forms of domestic combat. Husbands clash with wives, parents cross swords with children, but the bloodiest battles often involve women and their mothers-in-law.

The war for control of Carlos began the night he proposed, and Gabrielle had been losing ground to Juanita ever since. From the prenuptial agreement which she reluctantly signed, to the selection of wedding music she despised, the color of the house paint she hadn’t wanted ... Gabrielle had suffered one defeat after another.

And now that Juanita suspected her daughter-in-law of having an affair, it had became increasintly apparent that in this war..."

Yoa Lin: "Mrs. Solis, I’ll be at the market."

"...no prisoners would be taken."

Gabrielle: "Thank you, Yoa Lin."
Mama Solis: "I don’t see why you have her."
Gabrielle: "It’s a big house. I need help."
Mama Solis: "It’s only called help when you do some of the work yourself."
Gabrielle: "I supervise."
Mama Solis: "You pay her $300 a week. That’s $15,000 a year. Carlos, you always say how you’re not putting away enough for retirement!"
Carlos: "You know, baby, it would be a good idea if we cut back on expenses."
Gabrielle: "You expect me to take care of this place all by myself?"
Carlos: "Other women manage..."

He gets up from the table and Gabrielle looks at Mama Solis, who smiles triumphantly.

Gabrielle's Bedroom

Carlos lies on the bed, reading, when Gabrielle glides into the room in a revealing outfit of bra and underwear. She clears her throat, crawls on the bed, and straddles Carlos. She kisses him, and then sighs.

Carlos: "Mmmm... that’s nice.."
Gabrielle: "You like that?"
Carlos: "Oh yeah."
Gabrielle: "God, I’m gonna miss this, Carlos."
Carlos: "What do you mean?"
Gabrielle: "Well, since, I’m gonna have to be doing the cooking, and the cleaning, and all the shopping, like the other wives..."
Carlos: "Mmm hmm..."
Gabrielle: "...I’m going to be exhausted at night--just like all the other wives ... till I build up my stamina, of course, but that might take a couple years..."

She kisses Carlos down his body as he frowns.

The Next Morning

"Sadly for Juanita, she had ignored the first rule of war..."

Carlos comes down the stairs.

Mama Solis: "Good morning, Carlos."
Carlos (emphatically): "The maid stays."

He leaves.

"Never underestimate your enemy!"

Mama Solis looks up to the staircase where Gabrielle stands, triumphant.

Outside of Paul Young's House; Yard Sale

"Of the many suburban rituals, none is quite so cherished as the neighborhood yard sale. The shoppers come to sift through the discarded belongings of someone they don’t really know, in hopes of finding bargains they don’t really need, each so determined to save a few pennies, they often miss hidden treasures..."

Paul puts things in a box and closes the top, revealing that the box is labeled "Baby Stuff."

Susan walks up to him.

Susan: "Hey, Paul."
Paul: "Hi, Susan."
Susan: "I got to say, I was a little surprised to see Mary Alice’s award for sale. She got it for doing charity work, from the Chamber of Commerce.:"
Paul: "Zach and I are moving. We don’t need to carry any more with us than is absolutely necessary."
Susan: "That makes sense. Still, I just want to make sure you din’t want to keep it, for Zach, something to remember his mother by."
Paul: "Zach doesn’t need a piece of glass to remember his mother. I’m out of newspaper." He picks up a yellow/green blanket to wrap the glass. "Here, let’s call it ten bucks for everything."
Susan: "Great. Speaking of Zach, I haven’t seen him around lately."
Paul: "He’s been a bit depressed. I thought he could use a change of scenery, so I sent him to stay with relatives."
Susan: "Oh, which ones?"
Paul: "You don’t know them."
Susan: "So, how’d you get the fat lip?"
Paul: "The usual way. Asking too many questions."

Paul walks away and Susan picks up the box and walks over to where Gabrielle is.

Gabrielle: "Did you find out where Zach is?"
Susan: "No, but I can tell you this much. He’s not staying with relatives."

Carlos and Mama Solis stand off in a corner. Mama Solis looks at a record album while Carlos surveys the crowd.

Carlos: "It’s driving me crazy, mama. It could be any one of these guys she’s having the affair with."
Mama Solis: "Don’t worry about it. I’m not letting her out of my sight."
Carlos: "Now, who the hell is that? And look at the way she’s touching him. You think that’s the guy she’s having the affair with? "
Mama Solis: "Carlos, don’t be stupid. A guy she talks to in public isn’t someone you’re gonna worry about."
Carlos: "So it’s someone that she doesn’t talk to. What do I have to do? Beat up every guy in town?"
Mama Solis: "Marriage takes work!"

They walk away, passing by John, who looks after them.

Lynette, Bree, and Susan stand talking to each other. Gabrielle joins them soon after.

Lynette: "I’m not surprised that he’s playing it close to the vest. Paul knows we’re on to him."
Bree: "Zach said Mary Alice killed herself because of something that he had done, something bad. Is there anyone else who'd know what he was talking about?"
Susan: "No. That’s why we have to find him. It’s the only way we’ll know the truth."
Bree: "It just doesn’t make any sense. Zach is such a sweet kid. I can’t imagine him doing anything that terrible."
Gabrielle: "Well, he did break into your house. I mean, the kid is obviously troubled in some way."

Bree sighs.

Silvercrest Juvenile Rehabilitation Center

Inside, Paul and a doctor stare through the window on the door of Zach's room. He sits on his bed, his head bowed as he eats from a tray of food.

Dr. Sicher: "Severe depression. Borderline personality disorder. Zach is a deeply troubled young man."
Paul: "I’m aware of that. What are you giving him?"
Dr. Sicher: "Some antidepressants and a mood stabilizer."
Paul: "Good."
Dr. Sicher: "I’m also recommending extensive psychotherapy, to help unearth any repressed -"
Paul: "I don’t think so."
Dr. Sicher: "Mr. Young, I can’t just medicate him indefinitely."
Paul: "Forget the Freud and stick with the drugs. No new treatments without my permission."

He walks away.

School Gym

Lynette is seated with a group of women gathered near a stage.

Ms. Truesdale: "I think this is going to be a great version of Little Red Riding Hood, and it is your involvement that make the plays here at Barcliffe Academy so special. Thank you." (clapping) "And now, I would like to turn over the next part of our meeting to our parent coordinator, the amazing Maisy Gibbons."
Maisy: "Thank you, Ms. Truesdale. Now, before everyone leaves, we have new copies of the script up here. Tilda and Francis and I went to the rehearsal yesterday, and we were a little troubled by the ending. Killing the wolf. It says the wrong message to our kids. And we believe that animals should only be euthanized as a last resort."

Lynette laughs.

Maisy: "Do you find something amusing?"
Lynette: "I’m sorry, I thought you were kidding."
Maisy: "No."
Lynette: "Oh, okay."
Maisy: "So in our version, the wolf is aggressive because he has a thorn in his paw. And the woodsman will take out the thorn, and send Mr. Wolf on his way."
Lynette: "I’m sorry, aren’t we doing Little Red Riding Hood?"
Maisy: "Yes."
Lynette: "So then you are aware that the wolf is a bad guy. He eats Little Red’s grandma. If you let him go, he’s just going to chow down on another defenseless old lady."
Maisy: "I’m sorry, and you are?"
Lynette: "I’m Lynette Scavo. My twins just joined. They’re playing oak trees."
Maisy: "Oh, of course. Lynette. Let’s see, you are ... signed up to take tickets the night of the show, is that right?"
Lynette: "Yeah."
Maisy: "Well, with all due respect, let’s leave the creative suggestions to the mothers who have assumed the heavy lifting, shall we?"
Lynette: "Sure. Whatever."

Bree's House

Gabrielle and Mama Solis sit at Bree's kitchen table, drinking coffee Bree pours for them.

Bree: "I must say, I’m jealous of how much time you two spend together. My mother-in-law would never want to hang out with me all day."
Gabrielle: "She sounds nice."

Danielle walks into the house with John.

Danielle: "Hey!"
Bree: "Oh, hey there, you two!"
Gabrielle: "Hi, John."
John: "Mrs. Solis."
Gabrielle: "I wasn’t aware you two were friends."
John: "Yeah, we go to the same school."
Gabrielle: "Of course you do."
Danielle: "Mom, if you need anything, we’ll be upstairs in my room studying."
Bree: "Have fun."

Danielle and John leave.

Gabrielle: "Doesn’t it make you nervous, a boy alone upstairs with Danielle?"
Bree: "Oh no, I don’t worry about John. Both he and Danielle are in the abstinence club."

Gabrielle chokes and spews out coffee.

Gabrielle: "The coffee is a little hot."

Outside Susan's House

Susan opens up her mailbox and takes out her mail. When she turns around, she sees Paul getting into his car across the street.

"Susan was infuriated by Paul’s evasive answers."

Susan stares at Paul across the street.

Paul: "Hey!"

He waves at her.

"She was convinced he was deliberately hiding Zach, and hiding the truth. She hoped that finding one would lead to the other. To succeed, Susan would have to be evasive herself."

Mrs. Greenberg's House

Susan rings the doorbell of Mrs. Greenberg's house, holding a package of eggs.

Mrs. Greenberg: "Susan. Long time, no see."
Susan: "Mrs. Greenberg. Do you remember those two eggs I let you borrow last Christmas?"

She opens up her carton eggs and motions to the two empty spaces in the container.

Susan: "I need those back."
Mrs. Greenberg: "Well gosh, honey, I’m fresh out, but if you want, I could run to the store."
Susan: "Oh, forget about it, it’s not that important, but since I’m here, do you still have that old hatchback sitting in your garage? Can I borrow it tomorrow?"
Mrs. Greenberg: "You want to borrow my car?"
Susan: "Just for a couple of hours."
Mrs. Greenberg: "Well, I’m not sure. Do you know how to drive a stick?"
Susan: "Yes, I think so. I learned in college. It’s like riding a bike, right?"
Mrs. Greenberg: "I’m not sure, dear."
Susan: "It’s not big deal. It’s just for a couple of hours. I let you borrow my eggs for a whole year."

Dr. Goldfine's Office

Dr. Goldfine: "First off, I’m very pleased with the work we’ve done in our sessions thus far. We’re making excellent progress."
Bree: "Thank you, I feel really good about it."
Dr. Goldfine: "But there are a few areas of your marriage we haven’t covered yet."
Bree: "Oh, really. Like what?"
Rex: "Um, I’ve told Dr. Goldfine in our private sessions that I’m not happy with our sex life."
Dr. Goldfine: "And Rex feels when you two have intercourse, you’re not as connected as you could be."
Bree: "Connected?"
Rex: "Well yeah, it’s like you’re thinking about other things. Is your hair getting messed up? Did you remember to buy the toothpaste? You’re just not there."
Dr. Goldfine: "This kind of disconnect is often a symptom of a deeper problem."
Rex: "So, we were talking, and the idea of a sexual surrogate came up."
Dr. Goldfine: "This is a licensed professional who'd work with you as a couple on solving whatever sexual problems you may be having. I have an excellent referral."
Bree: "And what would this sexual surrogate person do?"
Rex: "Well, she would coach us."
Bree: "She!"
Dr. Goldfine: "She’s very discrete. You’ll hardly notice she's there."
Bree: "Oh. So she would be in the room with us, while we make love?"
Rex: "Yes, helping us to achieve maximum sexual potential."
Dr. Goldfine: "Do you have any questions?"
Bree: "Just one. How much longer is your midlife crisis going to last, because it is really starting to tick me off!"

She gets up and walks out.

Lynette's House

The four women are seated around the dining room table, cards in front of them. Mama Solis is sitting off to the side, knitting.

Lynette: "All right. I think everyone is down for a nap. We’ve got no more than an hour. Let’s get cracking. Five car draw, nothing wild."
Bree: "So how is it going with Mike, Susan?"
Susan: "It’s going, finally. We have our first official date next week. I think he’s taking me to see a play or something."
Lynette: "Might I suggest the Barcliffe Academy production of Little Red Riding Hood?"
Susan: "Oh, that’s right, the twins’ stage debut!"
Gabrielle: "Are they having fun?"
Lynette: "Sure, they get to play oak trees. I’m the one who has to deal with all the drama behind the scenes."
Bree: "Oh, I take it you’ve met Maisy Gibbons."
Lynette: "She’s a total nightmare. I guess I shouldn’t have challenged her."
Bree: "Oh, dear."
Lynette: "Because now no one on the play committee even wants to talk to me."
Bree: "Oh, Maisy does love to rule her little kingdom."
Susan: "It hasn’t really changed since Girl Scouts. Girls smile at you to your face, and then behind your back, they make fun of you because you’re the only one not shaving your legs yet."

Gabrielle gets up and goes to the living room where chips and dip are on a platter. She takes some as the women talk.

Lynette: "That would have never happened in Boy Scouts. When I worked, mostly with men, I preferred the way they fought. A guy takes his opponent on, face to face, and once he’s won, he’s top dog. It’s primitive, but it’s fair."
Susan: "And a lot less sneaky."
Gabrielle: "Isn’t it sexist of us to generalize like this?"

Gabrielle goes to the window and peeks outside, seeing John working outside across the street.

Lynette: "It’s science, Gabrielle. Socialogists have documented this stuff."
Gabrielle: "Well, who am I to argue with socialogists? (pauses) Wow this, uh, this guacamole has got a kick. I’m going to run to the little girls room. You guys go ahead, I might be a while."
Lynette: "I hate playing three handed poker. Let’s take a break."
Mama Solis: "I’ll play!"
Bree: "You play poker?"
Mama Solis: "I used to play a little with my grandfather."
Susan: "Pull up a chair."
Mama Solis: "Oh, I notice you were just playing for chips, huh. My grandfather used to say, it’s always more fun to play for money."
Lynette: "Why not? Fifty cents a bet?"
Mama Solis: "Make it a buck." She pulls a wad of cash out of her brassiere. "Three raise limit. Twenty dollar buy in."

Bathroom

Gabrielle closes the door to the bathroom and checks her appearance in the mirror. Then she opens the window and peers down. Climbing over the windowsill, she falls outside, landing with a shriek. She looks over the fence to where John is mowing the lawn. She climbs over the fence by stepping on stacked wood, knocking them over. Once over the top of the fence, she falls. John rushes over.

John: "Mrs. Solis! What are you doing?"
Gabrielle: "Why haven’t you returned any of my phone calls?"
John: "I’ve been busy."
Gabrielle: "Yeah, I’ve seen who you’ve been busy with."
John: "Danielle? Come on, I mean, she’s just a friend."
Gabrielle: "Well, before you get any friendlier, let me remind you, I can do things to you she can’t even pronounce"
John: "Well, a lot of good it does me with your mother-in-law following you around all the time. Look, maybe we should just cool it for awhile."
Gabrielle: "Oh, no, John, please don’t say that. I have everything under control."

They kiss.

Gabrielle: "Now give me a boost."

He helps her climb back over the fence.

Lynette's House

Gabrielle walks back into the dining room.

Gabrielle: "Hey! So what did I miss?"
Mama Solis: "Not much, just a few friendly hands of poker with the girls."

There is a huge stack of money in front of Mama Solis as she pulls it all towards her. The other women look stunned.

Play Rehearsal

Maisy: "I'm sorry I'm late. As I’m sure you have all heard, Celia Bond broke her wrist playing tennis, which means we are now in desperate need of someone to do the costumes. I’m keeping my fingers crossed here. Are there any volunteers?"
Lynette (standing up): "I’ll do it."
Maisy: "Really, that’s a ... do you know how to sew?"
Lynette (sits down): "Absolutely."
Maisy: "Well, great, uh, thank you, Lynette!" (clapping)
Lynette (stands up again): "Okay. So, now that I’m going to do some, heavy lifting, I believe I have a right to talk about the changes made to the script?"

She pauses. Nobody says anything, so she rushes forward to stand next to Maisy and address the group.

Lynette: "Um, ladies. We all grew up with Little Red Riding Hood, and we survived it, scary stuff and all, so I say, to hell with political correctness, let our kids experience this classic like it was meant to be enjoyed. Let’s kill the damn wolf, and just put on the best show we can." (clapping)
Maisy: "Thank you, Lynette, for that impassioned speech, but I believe that ship has sailed."
Jordana: "No, it hasn’t. We still have time to change the ending back."
Ms. Truesdale: "And you know, Maisy, it is just a fairy tale - I don’t think it will upset the children."
Maisy: "Well, I think you are wrong."
Lynette: "Well, that’s what’s so great about being in a democracy. Everyone is entitled to their opinion. Also, everyone has a right to vote. So all in favor of the woodsman going medieval on the big bad wolf’s ass..."

She raises her hand. And slowly, the others follow, except for Maisy, who glares at Lynette.

Outside of Paul's House

Sitting in her borrowed car, hidden mostly from view, Susan puts on a pair of sunglasses and watches Paul get into his SUV and drive away. Then she follows him - after a lurching start.

Susan: "Oh!"

He pulls into a parking lot and gets out. Susan slows down and looks at the sign stating "Silvercrest Juvenile Rehabilitation Center."

Restaurant

Bree is sitting alone at her table when she notices Dr. Goldfine sit down at another table, also alone, with a book.

Bree takes a sip of wine, then gets up and goes to his table.

Bree: "Dr. Goldfine."
Dr. Goldfine: "Bree."
Bree: "You’re dining alone?"
Dr. Goldfine: "Actually, I am."
Bree: "Well, what a coincidence. So am I. It seems a shame for us to eat by ourselves. Shall I, pull up a chair?"
Dr. Goldfine: "Bree, it’s nothing personal, but I never socialize with clients."
Bree: "Oh," she pauses. "Oh, I get it. I’m so sorry, of course, it’s, it's inappropriate. It’s just that after what happened yesterday, there’s so much I need to say because..." she pauses. "I suppose it can wait."

She walks back over to her table and sits down, taking a sip from her glass of wine. Then they take turns looking at each other. And finally he waves her to come back over and sit across from him. Bree breathes a sigh of relief and gets up to join him.

Gabrielle's House

Gabrielle is on the phone.

Gabrielle: "No, Lynette, I’m sorry, Juanita’s taking a bath. Well, how much did she win from you? Geez," She laughs. "Yeah, I guess she’ll take a check. Okay. All right. Bye."
Carlos: "What was that about?"
Gabrielle: "It turns out your mother is quite the card sharp."
Carlos: "You let her play cards? How long did she play?"
Gabrielle: "Not that long, why?"

Carlos walks away from her.

"Carlos, what is it?"
Carlos: "I never told you this, but my mother had a serious gambling problem."
Gabrielle: "Was this before we were married?"
Carlos: "Yeah. It was bad. She went into debt. She dipped into her savings, started hocking jewelry..."
Gabrielle: "Honey, it was only a small neighborhood game."
Carlos: "But it doesn’t take much for her to fall off the wagon. I know she seems like a very strong woman, but..."
Gabrielle: "She has a major weakness. Honey, oh," she embraces him. "It's okay. You were right to tell me this."

She smiles.

Restaurant

Dr. Goldfine. "And you understand I have to treat this as a session."
Bree: "Of course, that's fine. Shall I include the meal?"
Dr. Goldfine: "Oh no. We’ll split that."

Bree writes a check for $180.00 payable to Dr. Albert Goldfine and hands it over.

Dr. Goldfine: "So, let’s talk about yesterday. You think there might have been some truth in what Rex said?"
Bree: "No, I don’t."
Dr. Goldfine: "Bree, you know, it’s not uncommon for people experiencing sexual repression to distance themselves from the act."
Bree: "Is that how you see me? As some sort of prude who just lays there like a cold fish? I love sex."
Dr. Goldfine: "All right."
Bree: "I love everything about it. The sensations, the smells. I especially love the feel of a man. All that muscle and sinew pressed against my body. And then, when you add friction. Mmm ... The tactile sensation of running my tongue over a man’s nipple ever so gently. And then there’s the act itself - two bodies becoming one in that final eruption of pleasure. To be honest, the only thing I don’t like about sex is the scrotum. I mean, obviously it has its practical applications, but I’m just not a fan."
Waiter: "Can I get you something?"
Dr. Goldfine: "Uh, just the check, please."
Waiter: "Sir, you haven’t ordered yet."
Dr. Goldfine: "Oh."

Gabrielle's Car

Gabrielle and Mama Solis drive up to "The Torch Lake Casino."

Mama Solis: "We’re not shopping?"
Gabrielle: "Oh, I thought we would stop here for lunch first. This place has the best buffet in town. All you can eat crab legs. Oh no!"
Mama Solis: "What’s wrong? Let’s go!" Mama is already out of the car.
Gabrielle: "I didn’t realize how late it was. They’re only holding the suede mini for me until two. If we stay, I’ll never make it. We’ll just have lunch at the mall."
Mama Solis: "Wait, uh, I’m really in the mood for crab legs. Why don’t you just drop me off, and you can come back."
Gabrielle: "Well, if the mall is crowded, it might take over an hour."
Mama Solis: "It’s a buffet. There’s no rush!"

Mama Solis rushes inside. Gabrielle picks up her cell phone and calls somebody as she drives away.

Gabrielle: "Hi John. Motel. Ten minutes. Be there."

Play Rehearsal

Lynette (to a child in a costume): "All right. Off you go. Thanks."
Maisy: "Ooh, Lynette. I couldn’t help but notice, you forgot the coonskin on that hunter’s coonskin cap."
Lynette: "Oh, yeah, huh, it was a creative call. Look, I’m in the middle of a costume crisis, and if I don’t take a few shortcuts, I’ll never finish."
Maisy: "Well, Jordana Guist manages to get her work done. She runs the consessions, paints the sets, and still has time to take care of her three kids and a husband. Now, we can’t have the students suffer just because you don’t understand the concept of time management."
Lynettte: "I hardly think the kids are going to suffer without a clump of fur on their heads."
Maisy: "Okay, I’ll make a creative call. We’ll cut the oak trees. That forest is looking a little dense, anyway."
Lynette: "My boys are the oak trees."
Maisy: "Are they? Well, I wouldn’t worry. We’ll find something for them to do back stage. That’s where the real action is."
Lynette: "I’ll finish the costumes."
Maisy: "Well, crisis averted."

Susan's House

Julie: "You have lost your mind."
Susan: "I checked up on this Silvercrest place. It’s a treatment center for troubled kids. Who’s gonna notice one more? I create the distraction. You blend in and find Zach."
Julie: "How am I supposed to blend in with a bunch of messed up teenagers?"
Susan: "I don’t know, Julie. You pretend to be bulemic. Gag a little. Come on, work with me here!"
Julie: "Mom, when this is over, we need to talk about your parenting skills."
Susan: "Okay, fine, if you don’t want to help me, I’m not going to force you."
Julie: "It’s not that I don’t want to, it’s just, why does this mean so much to you?"
Susan: "Because Mary Alice was a wonderful person, and now all anybody thinks about her is that she went off the deep end and did this terrible selfish thing, and I think there is more to it than that. She was my friend, Julie, and I owe it to her to find out the truth."

Outside of the Casino

Mama Solis is sitting on a park bench, as stoic as the large wooden Indian statue next to her as Gabrielle pulls up in her car.

Gabrielle: "Juanita, what’s wrong?"

Mama Solis doesn't say anything. Gabrielle puts the car in park and goes over to sit by her mother-in-law.

Gabrielle: "Juanita!"
Mama Solis: "I didn’t go to the buffet. I went gambling instead, and I lost."
Gabrielle: "Well, how much did you have on you? It couldn’t have been much."
Mama Solis: "I used Carlos’ credit card."
Gabrielle: "Okay, well, how much did you charge?"
Mama Solis: "I don’t know, it stopped working."
Gabrielle: "What do you mean, it stopped working. That thing has, like, a $15,000 credit limit."

They both look at each other with shocked expressions.

Gabrielle: "Oh."

Hotel Room

Rex takes a bite of food, standing up, when there's a knock on the door. Rex, with food in hand, walks over to open it. Outside the door is Bree, covered in a full-length fur coat.

Bree: "The man at the desk said there were no vacant rooms. Mind if I bunk with you?"
Rex: "Bree, what are you doing here?"
Bree: "It’s a little chilly out here, do you mind if we discuss this inside?"
Rex: "C'mon in."

Rex moves aside and Bree walks in.

Bree: "It sure is nice and toasty in here."

She unwraps the fur, revealing that she is only wearing a lacy red bra and panties.

Rex: "You look amazing."
Bree: "Thanks. I was hoping you’d notice." She walks around. "Well, it certainly isn’t the Ritz, but it has all the essentials."

She gets on the bed and Rex tosses the burrito on the nightstand and joins her on the bed.

Rex: "I don’t know what to say."
Bree: "Then perhaps you shouldn’t say anything."

They begin kissing passionately, with Rex on top. He yanks his shirt off, down to his white undershirt and kisses her down his body.

Bree looks over and sees the burrito about to spill from the dresser to the floor.

Bree: "Oh Rex, oh baby, stop, I just need a minute."
Rex: "Oh, sweetie. Just leave it. Just leave it!"

Bree tries to take his advice, but her eyes keep going back to the burrito, about to fall. Suddenly, she reaches over and saves the burrito from the spill. She turns to him, and runs her hand over him.

Bree: "Okay, baby, where were we?"
Rex gets up angrily: "I told you to leave it."
Bree: "Sorry. I just - ah, come on, are you going to make a big deal about this?"
Rex: "You know, to tell you the truth..."

He walks over and opens up the door.

Rex: "...now is not really a good time for me."
Bree (angrily): "Well it’s obvious you’ve never had to remove a cheese stain. Hmph!"

She leaves.

Play Rehearsal

Lynette and Jordana are the only ones left in the gym. Lynette is on the phone as she sews costumes.

Lynette: "Bree, I totally understand. Yeah, I already tried Susan. And Gabby can't sew to save her life but seriously, I’m going to be fine. But thanks anyway. Bye!"
Jordana: "Well, I’m a little ahead with my painting Do you need some help?"
Lynette: "Oh Jordana, you are really a lifesaver, thank you. Here, these pieces need trim."
Jordana: "I’ll help for as long as I can, but I have a lot on my plate tonight. I have to make twenty-five mini quiches for my book club."
Lynette: "You’re not human, are you! You were sent by aliens to make the human race feel inadequate."

They laugh.

Lynette: "Seriously, how, how do you cram it all in?"
Jordana: "Can you keep a secret?"
Lynette: "Um, sure."

Jordana gets a bottle of pills from her purse.

Lynette: "That’s ADD medication. My kids take this, or they almost did. I thought it was supposed to calm you down?"
Jordana: "Um, it has the opposite effect if you don’t have attention deficit disorder. Ever chug a pot of turkish coffee?"
Lynette: "Seriously, you’re taking your kids medication?"
Jordana: "Once in a while. Do you want a couple?"
Lynette: "Oh, that’s very kind of you, but I just smoked some crack a little while ago, so I better not mix."

Gabrielle's House

Gabrielle: "This is what we’ll do. I’ll sell some old jewelry, pay off the credit card, and Carlos will never find out!"
Mama Solis: "You would do that for me?"
Gabrielle: "Of course I would, why wouldn’t I?"
Mama Solis: "Well, for starters, you hate me."
Gabrielle: "Oh, that is overstating it ... a little. The bottom line is, no matter how much I dislike you, I love Carlos more. If Carlos finds out about the money, he’ll be devastated. I don’t want to see him hurt. You don’t have to believe I’m a good person, but at least believe I care about my husband."

Mama Solis just stares at her.

Gabrielle: "Fine, to heck with it. I’m not gonna risk my neck to protect you. I’m calling Carlos."

"Juanita might have been the gambler of the family."

Mama Solis: "Wait, I believe you."

"But Gabrielle was the one who knew how to bluff."

Silvercrest Juvenile Rehabilitation Center

Susan and Julie start to walk into the Center. A nurse, sitting at a desk with her back to them, is working. Susan motions for Julie to stay back, and then walks up to the nurse.

Susan: "Hi, I’m Susan Mayer. I have an appointment to see Dr. Sicher."
Nurse: "Yes, yes, he’s expecting you, let me get him for you."

Once the nurse walks away, Susan motions to Julie and Julie walks quickly in. Susan mimes that Julie should stick a finger down her throat and Julie grins as she rushes off. The doctor walks in.

Dr. Sicher: "Hi, I’m Dr. Sicher. So you're here doing research for a children’s book."
Susan: "I sure am."

Julie finds Zach lying on a bed in his room and she opens the door.

Julie: "Zach?"
Zach: "Oh hi, Julie."
Julie: "What’s wrong with you?"
Zach: "It’s just all these pills they make me take. They kind of make me sleepy. What are you doing here?"
Julie: "I came to see how you were, and to ask you something. Look, I don’t have much time."
Zach: "What is it?"
Julie: "Last week you told Mrs. Van de Kamp that your mom killed herself because of something you did, something bad. What were you talking about?"
Zach: "After my mom died, I started remembering things that happened when I was little. What happened to Dana."
Julie: "Dana, who’s Dana?"

A nurse walks into the room.

Nurse: "What are you doing here?"
Julie: "I was just - visiting my friend."
Nurse: "This patient is not allowed visitors."
Julie: "I guess I have to go. I am so sorry, Zach."

She puts her hand on his for a moment, then gets up to leave.

Bree's House

Bree is sitting at the kitchen table, quietly repairing a mug, when Rex walks in.

Rex: "Hi. I don’t want to disturb you, I just left some important papers here. What are you doing?"
Bree: "I’m repairing a chipped mug."
Rex: "Why don’t you just buy a new one?"
Bree: "Because I think it is better to fix what you already have."
Rex: "Listen, um, about what happened today..."
Bree: "You humiliated me, Rex. For no good reason."
Rex: "I’m sorry."
Bree: "I was there. I was willing. Normal men don’t say no to that."
Rex: "You, you upset me."
Bree: "See, but I don’t think that’s the reason. After I left the motel, I um, did some thinking about us and our sex life, and I realized there has been a disconnect, but it’s coming from you.
Rex: "That’s ridiculous."
Bree: "How many years have we been making love, and you've started to ask me something, but then you stop?"
Rex: "I, I don’t know what you’re talking about."
Bree: "You are unhappy with our sex life because you’re not getting something from me, but you’re simply too afraid to ask."
Rex: "My problem with our sex life is that you can’t stop thinking about the house work."
Bree: "Well, then, if that is the case, then take me, right here, right now. The house is spotless. There aren’t any burritos lying around to pull my focus..."
Rex: "I’m not in the mood."
Bree: "Why not? We haven’t had sex for months, Rex. Most normal, red-blooded men would be climbing the walls by now."
Rex: "Please, don’t do this."
Bree: "Rex, whatever you want, I'll go there with you. I will go there with you, you just have to say it out loud. Tell me, what do you want? What do you need?"
Rex: "I need for you to stop talking like this."
Bree: "Why?"
Rex: "Because you sound like a whore."
Bree: "No I don’t. I sound like a woman whose husband won’t touch her. Rex, after Mary Alice killed herself, it all hit me. We all have our secrets, and I think it’s time for you to tell me yours."

Rex stares at her for a long moment before shaking his head.

Rex: "I’m going."

He leaves.

Nighttime, Lynette's House

"That night, while most of Wisteria Lane dreamt the night away, Lynette was in the middle of her own personal nightmare. Determined her boys would not miss their fairy tale debut, Lynette stayed up 18 hours staright, sewing. But she began to fear her story would not have a happy ending."

She begins to cry.

"Luckily for Lynette, she had a magic potion handy."

Lynette goes up to the bathroom and opens the cabinet above the sink. She takes down her children's ADD medication, and takes two pills.

"And once she had taken it...the magic kept working...."

Lynette uses the sewing machine to sew.

"...and working..."

Lynette uses the glue gun to put the costumes together.

"...and working."

The next morning, Lynette has completely cleaned the house until it looks spotless and is currently using a Q-tip to clean parts of the kitchen cabinets.

"It wasn't until noon that lynette finally took a break. And the realizty of what she had done began to sink in."

Lynette walks briskly to the bathroom where she stares at herself in the mirror. She brushes some hair away from her face and says softly, "My, what big eyes you have."

She brushes at some stains on her shirt, shrugs, then turns away.

Gabrielle's House

Carlos gives Mama Solis, who's sitting on the couch, a drink. Gabrielle calls out to her.

Gabrielle: "Mama Juanita, I'm going to the store. Do you need anything?"
Mama Solis: "I'm fine, thank you."
Carlos: "So what's been going on with her? Have you found anything out yet?"
Mama Solis: "Actually, Carlos, the more I watch her, the more I think she's probably not stepping out on you."
Carlos: "Really?"
Mama Solis: "Yeah. She's not perfect, Lord knows, but she loves you. I can tell."

Carlos kisses her cheek.

Carlos: "Mama. You don't know what a relief it is to hear that. You know, it's funny. I really think she loves you, too."
Mama Solis: "Oh?"
Carlos: "I got concerend when I heard you played poker with her friends. So I told her about your little problem."
Mama Solis: "You told her about my gambling problem?"
Carlos: "Don't be mad, mama. I just didn't want you slipping into old habits. And Gabrielle was very concerned about you."
Mama Solis: "She knew."

Susan's House

Susan looks through one of Julie's yearbooks.

Susan: "I don't get it. I've gone through all your yearbooks and you and Zach never went to school with anybody named Dana."
Julie: "He didn't say it was somebody we went to school with."
Susan: "Did it sound like a relative?"
Julie: "He said Dana. It sounded like Dana. Unless he was using a code, that's all I've got."

Susan gets up from the table and joins Julie at the sink. As they talk, she looks out the window, watching as Paul, across the street, mows his lawn.

Susan: "Okay, gimme a break here. I'm just grasping at straws."
Julie: "I'm sorry. It's...I'm worried about Zach. It's really creepy in there. Can't we get him out?"
Susan: "Honey, it's up to his father."
Julie: "Then I at least want to visit again."

Paul stops mowing and looks straight at them.

Susan: "I don't think that's a good idea either."
Julie: "Why?"
Susan: "I just have a feeling."

Gabrielle's House

Mama Solis is sitting on the porch, knitting. She watches Gabrielle drive up.

"Juanita was now more convinced than ever that her treacherous daughter-in-law was having an affair. But the question remained, with whom?"

"And suddenly, Juanita remembered it wasn’t the men Gabrielle talked to that she had to worry about."

Gabrielle goes into the house and Mama Solis smiles.

Play Rehearsal

Lynette: "Jordana, Maisy, here are the costumes, right on time."
Maisy: "Thank you, Lynette. This is a bit awkward. There has been an oversight with the programs. Celia Bond is still credited with costumes. They forgot to tell the printer."
Lynette: "Uh-huh. Ah, incidently, who is they, as in they forgot to tell the printer?"
Maisy: "That would be me. I’m sorry, but I was just so overworked this week, what with all the script changes that you demanded."
Lynette: "Well, these things happen. Oh, I’ll be right back."

She hands a plastic sword and a coonskin cap to Maisy.

Maisy hands the coonskin cap to Jordana.

Maisy: "Would you do something with this, it looks like roadkill."
Lynette: "Okay, lady, that’s it!"
Maisy: "I beg your pardon?"
Lynette: "Maisy, we have kids the same age, which means there are years ahead of us, having to deal with each other. So instead of playing all these petty games, why don’t we put an end to this right now."
Maisy: "What are you saying?"
Lynette: "Let’s take it outside."
Maisy: "Let’s take what outside?"
Lynette: "Your sorry ass. We’re throwing down."
Maisy: "You are crazy!"
Lynette: "Just being practical. Isn’t it better to settle this once and for all, rather than endure all this alpha mom crap until our kids graduate? Hmmm? Come on! I’ll even let you take the first shot."

There's a long pause.

Maisy: "I don’t have time for this."

She walks away. Lynette calls after her.

Lynette: "Yeah, I didn’t think so. And just so you know, next spring when we do Bambi, his mother is going to take a slug to the heart, and you’re going to like it!"

Lynette takes a deep breath and looks over at Jordana, who smiles.

Nighttime

The camera pans to Susan's house.

"The search for power begins when we’re quite young. As children, we’re taught that the power of good triumphs over the power of evil."

Mary Alice's glass award that Susan bought from Paul sits next to a lamp. The yellow/green blanket with the name Dana embroidered in it is slung over the back of a chair.

"But as we get older, we realize that nothing is ever that simple. Traces of evil always remain..."

~ The End ~

This spoiler episode was compiled and completed on December 11, 2004 by Amanda Lane (desperate_housewives at yahoo dot com) and William.
Last Update: September 1, 2006

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