This was typed by me, a human, and mistakes are possible. If you find any, no matter how trivial, please let me know. (desperate_housewives at yahoo dot com)

Screen caps taken with permission from William

"Mrs. Martha Huber" - Christine Estabrook
"Andrew Van De Kamp" - Shawn Pyfrom
"Mr. Shaw" - Richard Roundtree
"Ms. Butters" - Mary Pat Gleason
"The Cable Guy" - John Haymes Newton
"Danielle Van De Kamp" - Joy Lauren
"Yoa Ling" - Lucille Soong
"Preston Scavo" - Brent Kinsman
"Porter Scavo" - Shane Kinsman
"Cashier" - Michelle Ewin
"Businessman" - Paul Hayes
"Reporter" - Tricia Nickell
"Andrew Buddy #1" - Eric Marquette
"Andrew Buddy #2" - Adam Weisman

Written by: Tom Spezialy & Marc Cherry
Directed by: Jeff Melman

As Mary Alice does the voice over, the camera pans around a cluttered, messy house. On the coffee table are magazines, including a tabloid with Mary Alice's picture reading: "Inside the Suburban Suicide Mom!"

"When I was alive, I maintained many different identities: lover, wife, and ultimately, victim. Yes, labels are important to the living. They dictate how people see themselves."

It's Lynette's house. She bends down and picks up some clothing, looking tired.

"Like my friend, Lynette. She used to see herself as a career woman. And a hugely successful one at that. She was known for her power lunches..."

Lynette, yawning, feeds the baby her bottle.

"...her eye catching presentations..."

Lynette slaps a magnet on a crayoned drawing she's putting on the refrigerator.

"...and her ruthlessness in wiping out the competition."

Lynette sprays a glass cleaner on some windows and scrubs furiously at the hand prints smudging it.

"Lynette gave up her career to assume a new label: incredibly satisfying role of full-time mother."

The phone rings, interrupting Lynette, who's washing dishes. She goes over to answer it.

"Scavo residence. Yes, this is me." She sighs.

Elementary School

Lynette walks down the hallway.

"But, unfortunately for Lynette, this new label frequently fell short of what was advertised."

Lynette comes upon Parker and Porter sitting outside of a classroom. They look up at her and each raise a hand in hello. Their hands and clothes are liberally splattered with blue paint.

She goes inside of the classroom.

Lynette: "How in the world did they..."
Ms. Butters: "I left the door to the art supply cupboard open for five minutes. That's all."
Lynette: "Five minutes." She sits down. "The little girl. Why didn't she say anything?"
Ms. Butters: "Your boys work quickly."
Lynette: "Well, obviously, they will be punished for this. Severely."
Ms. Butters: "I hesitate bringing this up since you got so ugly about it last time."
Lynette: "They don't have attention deficit disorder. And I'm not going to drug my boys just to make your job easier. I'd rather change teachers." She stands up.
Ms. Butters: "The boys are in my class because I'm the only teacher who can handle them."
Lynette: "What if we separate the twins? Put them in different classes. They're much calmer when they're not bouncing off one another."
Ms. Butters: "We can try that. But if it doesn't work, we may not longer be able to accommodate them."

Lynette leaves the classroom and begins walking down the hallway with the twins.

"It suddenly occurred to Lynette her label was about to change yet again. And for the next few years, she would be known as the mother of the boys who painted Tiffany Axelrod blue."

A little girl completely covered in blue paint walks by with her mother. The mother stares at Lynette accusingly.

Credits

Focus on a tape recorder that's on. The four women stand around it, listening to it.

"It looked to be an interesting afternoon on Wisteria Lane. A mysterious cassette tape had been discovered by my friend, Bree. She had stolen it from her marriage counselor. A counselor I had once spoken to in strictest confidence."

On the tape, Dr. Goldfine and Mary Alice speak.

Dr. Goldfine: "So, how have you been?"
Mary Alice: "I had the nightmare again."

Gabrielle interrupts. "It's so weird to hear Mary Alice."

Dr. Goldfine: "Still the same one."
Mary Alice: "Yes. But this time, I was standing in a river, and I saw the girl under the water. She kept screaming Angela over and over again.
Dr. Goldfine: "So what do you think the significance of the name Angela is?"
Mary Alice: "Actually, that's my real name."

Gabrielle reaches over and turns off the tape recorder.

Gabrielle: "Her real name?"
Bree nods.
Gabrielle: "That doesn't make any sense. I've seen her driver's license. It did not say Angela."
Susan: "Bree, what does it say on the rest of the tape?"
Bree: "Just more about her nightmares and this girl she was afraid of."
Gabrielle: "So what the hell do we do now?"

Susan looks past her and sees Paul watering his lawn. All of the woman turn to look. He waves and they wave back.

Susan: "I think we should show Paul the note."
Lynette: "Are you sure? He's gonna freak."
Bree: "Well, it's now or never. I mean, I saw what he's asking for the place. It's gonna sell quickly."
Gabrielle: "Can I say something? I'm glad Paul's moving."
Bree: (placing a hand over her heart in shock): "Gabby!"
Gabrielle: "I'm sorry. He's just always giving me the creeps. Haven't you guys noticed? He's got this dark thing going on. There's something about him that just feels..."
Lynette: "Malignant?"
Gabrielle: "Yes."
Susan: "We've all sort of felt it."

They watch him continue watering his lawn.

Bree: "That being said, I do love what he's done with that lawn."

The women look at her.

Susan's House

Susan is standing at the kitchen sink, absent-mindedly washing a plate, while staring out the window.

Julie comes over and looks out the window to see what Susan's looking at. It's Mike, shirtless and sweaty, tending to his lawn. Julie looks at the dish that Susan's washing.

Julie: "Mom, the dish is clean."
Susan: "Huh? Oh."
Julie: "I still don't understand why you don't just ask him out on an official date date!"
Susan: "Oh, I'm trying a new strategy. I'm playing hard to get."
Julie: "How long do you think you can keep that up?"
Susan: "Oh, maybe until noon. Then I'm gonna have to run over there and beg him to love me."
Julie laughs, then looks out the window in the other direction. "Uh, mom. I don't think you're gonna be able to wait that long."

Susan follows her gaze to where Edie is washing her car, wearing very short shirts and a revealing white top.

Susan: "You've got to be kidding. She washed her car yesterday!"

As Edie washes, she glances over at Mike, who glances back. She takes the sponge she's using and squeezes the water from it over her chest and Susan can't believe it.

Susan: "Oh, no, she's not."

Mike stops working to watch.

Susan: "Yep. She's bringing out the big guns."
Julie: "You better get over there. She's wearing cotton."

She walks over to a drawer and pulls out an envelope.

Susan: "What am I supposed to say to Mike? I saw you half naked and thought I'd drop by?"
Julie hands Susan the note.
Susan: "What's that?"
Julie: "A piece of Mike's junk mail we got by mistake. I held onto it in case of an emergency."
Susan is thrilled. "God bless you!"

She kisses Julie and rushes out the door.

Susan crosses her lawn to go to Mike, looking over at Edie as she does so.

She comes up to Mike.

Susan: "Hi."
Mike: "Hey, Susan."
Susan: "I, uh, got this by mistake."
Mike"Oh, thanks." He opens it.
Susan: "I hope it's not important."
Mike"Oh, not, it's just a promotion for the Realto. They're having a film festival."
Susan: "Oh."

Edie watches them.

Susan"Well, guess I've done my good deed for the day. I'll just head back home. Bye." She turns to go and walks a few steps.
Mike: "Hey, you like old movies?"
Susan: "I love old movies."

As they talk, Edie, annoyed, throws her sponge into the bucket of water by her feet and walks off into Mrs. Huber's house, where she's staying.

Edie: "I hate Susan Mayer. Every time I see those big doe eyes of hers, I swear to God, I just want to go out and shoot a deer."
Mrs. Huber's eyes light up. "What has she done this time?"
Edie: "She is out there throwing herself at Mike Delfino. Again."
Mrs. Huber: "Susan likes Mike?"
Edie: "Where the hell have you been, Martha? She's been lusting after him ever since he moved in."

Edie walks away and Mrs. Huber looks thoughtfully out the window.

Elementary School

Lynette comes running down the hallway of the twins' school, ending up at the twins' teacher, who's standing outside the classroom.

Lynette: "I got your message. What's going on?"
Ms. Butters: "The boys refuse to be separated."
Lynette: "They refuse? They're six years old. Make them."
Ms. Butters: "Well, school regulations are pretty strict about me wrestling with the boys. But if you want to give it a shot, be my guest."
Lynette: "Fine."

She walks around the teacher to go inside the classroom, and then stops and turns around.

Lynette: "Oh. Which one goes and which one stays?"
Ms. Butters: "You pick."

Lynette opens the classroom door and Ms. Butters listens from outside. Screaming and shouting can be heard from within. Ms. Butters opens up the door and peeks in.

One twin is holding onto a table while Lynette grabs him by the feet, pulling. The other twin is on the other side of the table, trying to prevent Lynette from pulling it.

Ms. Butters smiles. "Ooh!"

Gabrielle's Bathroom

Gabrielle and John are in a bubble bath together. She squeezes some water over his back with a washcloth.

Gabrielle: "I love taking baths. Especially with you. It's like taking a vacation from the world."
John: "I hated taking baths when I was a kid. Course back then, the only thing I had to play with was my rubber ducky."

He leans back, turning slightly, and he leans in to kiss her. Right before they can, the doorbell rings and John gets nervous.

John: "Who's that?" He gets out of the tub and begins putting on his clothes. "It's Mr. Solis."
Gabrielle: "Relax! Carlos is at work. And he doesn't ring the doorbell."

She gets out more casually and puts on a bathrobe. She looks out the window and calls to John.

Gabrielle: "It's the cable guy. He's three hours late. Use the side entrance."

John finishes getting dressed quickly and rushes out the door.

"Gabrielle knew her vacation from the world had ended. What she didn't know was John had left behind a souvenir."

Underneath the bed, a lone sock of John's lies there.

Bree's Home

Danielle and Andrew come home.

Danielle: "I'm telling you. Dad didn't come home last night. They had a fight. A bad one."
Andrew: "How bad?"
Danielle: "Like, divorce court bad."

They hear Bree humming and through a small opening into the dining room, see her setting up dinner candles.

Danielle: "Listen to her. She always overcompensates when she's worried."
Andrew: "Dad moves out and leaves us with her...I'll lose my mind."

Bree opens the door from the dining room, smiling.

Bree: "Dinner is on the table."
Andrew: "Mom, where'd dad go last night?"
Bree: "He got a last minute call to speak at a medical conference in Philadelphia. Take your seats."

On the table is a huge fancy meal, with a freshly-cooked turkey in the middle of the table.

Danielle: "This marriage is so over."

Andrew nods. He then turns and walks out the front door.

Bree: "Andrew?"

He slams out of the door.

Gabrielle's House

Gabrielle begins putting away the remnants of her bubble bath as the cable guy is there.

The Cable Guy: "Again, sorry I was late. The schedule overbooked me."
Gabrielle: "How long are you going to be?"
The Cable Guy: "Almost done. What is that scent? Is that sage and citrus?" He looks at the candle she's holding in her hands. "It's amazing."
Gabrielle: "Try to hurry. I have stuff to do."

He walks over to the wall and pulls on a cable cord, yanking at it. He suddenly loses his balance and falls on his back, having slipped on the bubble bath.

Gabrielle is shocked.

Later, the cable guy is strapped to a gurney by paramedics as Gabrielle watches. Carlos comes up to her.

Carlos: "What's happening?"
Gabrielle: "The cable guy fell. He hit his head on the tub. He may have a concussion."
Carlos: "It's almost eight."
Gabrielle: "He was late."

She walks out with Carlos looking at her. He sniffs and looks at the lit candles around the bathtub and the bubble bath in the tub.

Susan's House

Susan opens her front door to find Mrs. Huber standing there with a pie in her hands.

Susan: "Mrs. Huber!"
Mrs. Huber: "Hello, Susan. I made you a pie."
Susan: "Oh. Wow. Why?"
Mrs. Huber: "Do I need a motive to do something nice?"

Susan shrugs.

In Susan's kitchen, Mrs. Huber is delicately cutting the pie.

Mrs. Huber: "I can't wait for you to try this. It's mincemeat."
Susan: "Actually, I just had dinner."
Mrs. Huber: "That's okay. You can save it for later."

She licks some off of her fingers and chuckles to herself.

Susan: "What's so funny?"
Mrs. Huber: "I was just thinking of that expression: I'll make mincemeat out of you. Mincemeat. It used to be an entree made up of mostly chopped meat, so it was like saying 'I'll chop you up into little bits.'" She chuckles. "But that was centuries ago. Today, mincemeat is mostly made up of fruit, spices, and rum. There's no meat in it. And still people say I'll make mincemeat out of you."
Susan: "I don't know that people really say that anymore."
Mrs. Huber: "I do. So, Susan. How are you?"
Susan: "I'm fine."
Mrs. Huber: "Good. You know, I have a confession to make. I've always wished I'd have been more supportive when Carl left you."
Susan: "Oh, you don't have to apologize about Carl. Really, Carl and I are over. I've moved on."
Mrs. Huber: "Yes, I know. You've moved on to that nice Mike Delfino. He's quite a catch, isn't he? You like him don't you?"
Susan: "Uh, sure. As a friend."
Mrs. Huber: "Oh, Susan. Being coy is a strategy best employed by virgins at their first dance. For women of our age, it's just annoying. Are you sure you don't want pie?"
Susan: "No, thank you."
Mrs. Huber: I" hope it works out with you and Mike. You've been so desperate to land him."
Susan: "I am not desperate."
Mrs. Huber: "Oh, good Lord, Susan. You burned your rival's house down. If that isn't desperate, I don't know what is."
Susan: "Mrs. Huber, with all due respect, you're crazy."

Mrs. Huber puts down the knife she had been using to transfer the pie to a plate and reaches into her purse, pulling out the charred measuring cup she found in the ruins of Edie's burnt house.

She places it on the table in front of Susan.

Susan: "What's that?"
Mrs. Huber: "I think you recognize it. I found it in the ruins of Edie's home."
Susan: "Well, that's not ---"
Mrs. Huber: "Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh. My point is this. I wasn't there for you when Carl left, but I'm here for you now. As far as I'm concerned, this is our secret. And no one ever need know. Oh, Susan. You don't know how good it feels to finally be able to help you. You look so pale. Now. I insist you try some of my pie."

She puts some on a fork and brings it near Susan, who automatically opens her mouth for Mrs. Huber to insert the pie.

Mrs. Huber: "Go on. Did I mention it's mincemeat?"

Susan swallows the pie with an audible gulp.

Bree's House

Bree stands in front of her son's door and knocks on it.

Bree: "Open the door, please."
Andrew: "Hang on."

He opens it.

Andrew: "What?"
Bree: "May I come in?"
Andrew: "No."
Bree: "Well, I want to talk to you."
Andrew: "Then, talk."
Bree: "Where were you last night?"
Andrew: "Brian's."
Bree: "I just spoke to Brian's mother. Now tell me again where you were last night and this time don't lie to me."
Andrew: "Where'd you say Dad was again? In Philadelphia?"
Bree: "Andrew, don't change the subject."
Andrew: "I'm sorry. I thought the subject was telling lies. I called Dad's cell phone. I know he moved out."
Bree: "Well, it's just temporary and...I thought it would upset you, so I was protecting you."
Andrew: "Whatever. You lied, so stop pretending like you have some sort of moral authority."
Bree: "Andrew, just because I chose not to share my marital problems with you does not give you the right to be rude."
Andrew: "How about driving my father away? Do I get to be rude then?"

He shuts the door in her face.

Gabrielle's House

Carlos is getting dressed in the bedroom by the bed while Gabrielle is in the bathroom.

He drops his tie clip and gets on his hands and knees to look for it. While on the floor, he sees John's sock underneath the bed. He picks it up and stands up. As he looks at it, Gabrielle notices and quickly walks away to the laundry basket, where she grabs some clothing and rushes downstairs. She heads to the washer and throws the clothing there and rushes back.

Carlos meets her at the edge of the stairs, looking suspicious.

Gabrielle: "Hi."
Carlos: "What's this?"
Gabrielle: "It's a sock."
Carlos: "It's a man's sock. I found it under our bed. It's not mine."
Gabrielle: "Oh, for God's sake, Carlos. It's Yoa Ling's.
Carlos: "Our maid wears size 13 gym socks?"
Gabrielle: "No, she dusts with them."

Carlos doesn't look convinced, so Gabrielle gestures for him to follow her and then grabs his hand, pulling him with her.

She goes to the laundry closet and opens it up, where she threw the clothing before.

Gabrielle: "See? Socks instead of rags."

Carlos walks away and Gabrielle closes the laundry closet and leans against it, closing her eyes.

Grocery Store

Susan begins putting her groceries on the conveyer belt.

Mrs. Huber walks up behind her.

Mrs. Huber: "Susan! Hello!"
Susan: "Mrs. Huber."
Mrs. Huber: "Did you and Mike come together? I saw him in the fresh produce aisle."
Susan: "No, like I told you before, we're just friends. By the way, if I didn't make it clear yesterday, I absolutely did not do that thing you accused me of."

Mike comes up.

Mike: "Hey, Susan! Hey, Ms. Huber."
Mrs. Huber: "Nice to see you, Mike."

She walks out of the way.

Mike: "Hey. You like Alfred Hitchcock? They're doing a retrospective down at the Realto."

Susan looks over at Mrs. Huber, who gives her a knowing look.

Susan: "Uh, I'm not really a fan."
Mike: "Oh, c'mon. How can you not like Hitchcock?"
Susan: "I just, uh, don't."
Mike: "Oh. Okay. Well, uh, nice to see you. You, too, Ms. Huber."

He walks away.

Mrs. Huber: "You're so silly. Pretending not to like him on my account, I mean, really."
Susan: "Will you just drop it?"
Mrs. Huber: "You shouldn't be rude to me. Your secret is not an easy burden to bear. That insurance company is putting Edie through hell, and still I've said nothing."
Susan: "Well -"
Mrs. Huber: "The longer it takes for her to get payment, the longer she'll be staying with me, eating me out of house and home, using up my hot water."
Susan: "What exactly is it you want from me, Mrs. Huber?"

Mrs. Huber removes the plastic rod separating their grocery items in the checkout lane.

The checkout girl asks them, "Are these together?"
After a long pause, Susan says, "Ring it up."

Mrs. Huber smiles and begins putting her full load of groceries on the belt.

Lynette's House

Bree's sits at the kitchen table as Lynette pours her a cup of coffee.

Bree: "If the school and the pediatrician both think the twins could stand to be medicated, then what's the problem?"
Lynette: "I used to run a company with eighty-five people and now I can't wrangle three some boys without doping them? Talk about feeling like a failure."
Bree: "Lynette, you are a great mother, but let's face it. Your kids are...a challenge."
Lynette: "Thank you. That's the nicest way you could have said that. You know, the truth is, when they're not making me want to tear my hair out, they're actually really sweet. I'm afraid if I change the bad stuff, I'm gonna change the good stuff."
Bree: "It's a tough call."
Lynette: "Like this mug. I love this mug. If I medicate them, are they still gonna make me a mug like this?"
Bree: "You know, it's leaking."
Lynette: "Yeah. I know."

Susan and Gabrielle walk in.

Susan: "We talked to Paul. We told him we need to show him something."
Gabrielle: "He's on his way over."

Later

Susan: "So Paul, we noticed that you're selling the house."
Paul: "Yes. Too many painful memories. I'm sure you understand."
Susan: "Well, before you move, we thought there was something you should know."
Lynette: "It seems there may be more to Mary Alice's death than you were aware of."
Paul: "Oh?"
Gabrielle: "Remember when you asked us to pack her things? Well, when we did, we found a note."
Bree: "And we think that you should have it."
Susan: "You can see from the postmark, Mary Alice probably got it the day she died."

Susan passes over the note and Paul opens it and reads it. Suddenly, he breaks down, crying. The women don't know what to do.

Susan: "Paul, are you going to be okay?"
Paul: "No."

He gets up and leaves, taking the note with him.

Gabrielle's House

Carlos comes down the stairs, and notices Yoa Ling cleaning the banister with a sock. He looks over at Gabrielle doing her yoga then turns back to Yoa Ling.

Carlos: "Have you always cleaned with socks?"

Gabrielle looks over from where she's doing her yoga.

Yoa: "Yes."
Carlos: "What, is that a Japanese thing?"
Yoa: "I am Chinese."

Carlos leaves. Gabrielle goes up the stairs.

Yoa: "I don't like lying."
Gabrielle: "Yeah? Well, I don't like your ironing. So there."

Soccer Field

John notices Gabrielle standing behind a tree. She motions him over.

John: "Mrs. Solis. What are you doing here?"
Gabrielle takes the sock out of her purse. "Carlos found this under the bed."
John: "Oh, crap."
Gabrielle: "It's okay. It was a close call, but I managed to cover. I got you these [she pulls sandals out of her bag]. So from now on, we can't let Carlos see you around the house wearing anything resembling a gym sock."
John: "You want me to mow your lawn in sandals? I could lose a toe."
Gabrielle: "Imagine what you could lose if Carlos finds out you're trimming more than the hedges."

She peeks around him to see some of John's teammates watching them.

Gabrielle: "Why are your friends staring at me? Did you tell them about us?"
John: "No! They're staring because they think you're hot."
Gabrielle: "Oh! Okay!"

She waves at them, then walks off.

Bree's House

Bree: "It's 9:30. What is your brother thinking?"
Danielle: "Want my advice? Call dad. Go tell him to kick Andrew's ass."
Bree: "I am perfectly capable of handling this without your father."
Danielle: "Sorry."
Bree: "Where's your cell phone? Call Andrew and find out where he is."
Danielle: "Mom, he's gonna know you're behind this."
Bree: "No, he won't. Just act normal."

Danielle calls.

Danielle: "Hey. It's me. Uh, what's going on?" She holds out the phone to Bree. "He knows."

Bree throws down the sponge she was cleaning with and takes the phone.

Bree: "Andrew. This is your mother. I am rapidly reaching the end of my patience with you. Where are you? Are you at a bar? Andrew! Andrew?"
Danielle: "Mom?"
Bree: "He hung up on me!"
Danielle: "What are you going to do?"

Bree stalks off to Andrews room. She tears down the "Keep Out" sign on the front of his door and tries the doorknob. It's locked. She kicks in the door and storms in.

She looks around and begins going through his clothing and bags. In a drawer, she finds a small box, inside of which is a box of matches to a place called "Topsy Turvey."

Topsy Turvey

Strippers are swinging around poles while men watch. A waitress places a beer in front of Andrew and his two friends.

The woman dancing on stage tosses an article of clothing out to the audience, and Bree catches it. Andrew's friend turns and sees Bree, choking on his drink.

Bree: "Keith. Ian. Andrew."
Andrew: "Mom, how did you even know I was here?"

Bree shows him the matchbook.

Andrew: "You went in my room?"
Bree: "You think that's bad? Tomorrow morning I'm cleaning it. Oh, by the way, Keith. I didn't get a chance to tell you. That was a lovely solo last week at church."
Keith: "Thank you. We're out of here."

Keith and Ian leave.

Bree: "I hope it wasn't something I said. Well, Andrew? Shall we?"
Andrew: "You just humiliated me in front of my friends. I'm not going anywhere with you."
Bree: "Fine."

She sits down.

Andrew: "What are you doing?"
Bree: "I'm staying for the show. I'm dying to see what all the fuss is about. Excuse me, waitress? I'll have a glass of your house chardonnay. I'm curious, Andrew. As you fantasize about this woman, do you ever stop and think how she came to be on this runway? That's someone's little girl. And that someone probably had a lot of dreams for her. Dreams that did not include a thong and a pole."
Andrew: "It's not gonna work. Okay? I'm not budging."
Bree: "God only knows what she's had to deal with in her life. Abject poverty, drugs, domestic violence, maybe even molestation!"
Andrew: "Mom!"
Bree: "And now, she treats herself like other men treat her. Like an object. A piece of meat."

The man next to Bree looks exasperated.

Man: "That does it. Kid, get her out of here. She's killing it for the rest of us."

Andrew gets up and Bree follows. The man raises his glass to them leaving.

Susan's phone rings and she lets the machine get it.

Mrs. Huber: "It's Mrs. Huber, Susan. Are you there? I can see your lights are on. I hope you're not screening, that's so tacky. Listen, I need to talk to you. My water heater just burst and it's gonna cost me $600 to get a new one. And I can't afford that. I'm just beside myself. Call me as soon as you get in."

Susan sits down, disbelieving.

She goes into Julie's room, where she's sleeping. She turns on the light and sits on the bed.

Susan: "Julie? Julie, honey, wake up. We need to talk."
Julie: "Can't this wait until morning?"
Susan: "I think I'm being blackmailed."

In their kitchen, Julie drinks from a mug as Susan paces.

Susan: "And when I realized I couldn't put out the fire, I ran. I must have dropped the measuring cup in the process."
Julie: "Why do I even let you out of the house?"
Susan: "Obviously, I can't let her get away with this. The only thing to do is go to the police and tell them what happened."
Julie: "You can't do that!"
Susan: "Julie, I don't think they'll throw me in jail. I mean, it was an accident."
Julie: "Dad won't care if it was an accident. You know he'll just use this as an excuse to reopen custody. Mom, I don't want to live with dad."
Susan: "I know."

She hugs Julie.

Outside Gabrielle's House

John mows the lawn wearing the sandals. Carlos comes up to him, motioning for him to turn off the lawn mower.

Carlos: "I need to talk to you."
John: "Cool. Sure."
Carlos: "You worked on Tuesday, right?"
John: "Yeah."
Carlos: "You remember the cable guy showing up? And you usually work until what time, five?"
John: "Yeah."
Carlos: "That means he was in the house for four hours."
John: "Wait, um, you know, now that I think about it, I might not have seen him."
Carlos: "Well, either you saw him or you didn't. Which is it?"
John: "I didn't."
Carlos: "John? Did my wife ask you to lie for her?"
John: "Mr. Solis, uh, I really don't want to get in the middle of anything."
Carlos: "Thank you. It's all I needed to know."

John sighs.

Susan's Kitchen

Susan: "Okay, let's run through it one more time."
Julie: "Mom, it's not brain surgery. You'll stand guard while I crawl through Mrs. Huber's doggy door. Once inside, I'll find the measuring cup. Simple."
Susan: "Oh, god. I hate that I'm turning you into a little thief."
Julie: "It's our measuring cup. We're just taking back what's ours."
Susan: "Hey, that's right. Ethically, we have nothing to be ashamed about. Oh, wear these. [she picks up rubber gloves] I don't want you to leave fingerprints."

Outside

Julie and Susan watch from behind a tree as Mrs. Huber drives away.

Susan: "There she goes. Okay, move."

They run out on the street, tossing a Frisbee between the two of them.

Susan: "Oh, so glad we're playing Frisbee again. Here you go. Coming at ya. Ha ha ha. All right. Back up a little more. There you go. Whoo! All right. Here we go."

She tosses the Frisbee over Mrs. Huber's roof into the backyard.

Susan: "Oh, my! Whoops! You better go get that. Yeah."

Julie runs into the backyard while Susan waits.

Mike comes jogging up.

Susan: "Mike!"
Mike: "Hey, Susan, I thought that was you."
Susan: "Uh, yeah, Julie and I are just out tossing the Frisbee around and it flew off into Mrs. Huber's back yard."
Mike: "Oh, you need some help?"
Susan: "No, no, no, no. Julie's got it."
Mike: "Okay. Actually, I'm glad I ran into you. I just wanted to make sure things were okay between us. the other day, you seemed kind of distance."

Susan is distracted and not paying full attention as she looks at Mrs. Huber's house.

Susan: "Distant? What do you mean?"
Mike: I mean, you're not mad at me for some reason are you?"
Susan: "No! No, no, not at all."
Mike: "Good. Cause I'm gonna take one more shot at this. I've got tickets to a Billy Wilder retrospective Wednesday night. I'd love to take you with me."
Susan: "You are so sweet. I would love to go."
Mike: "All right!"

Edie pulls up in her car.

Susan: "Edie! I thought you'd be at work."
Edie: "I'm not feeling well. I got a sunburn the other day washing my car."
Susan: "Well, don't just run off. Come and hang out with us."
Edie: "Boy, you are one sick ticket."
Susan: "What?"
Edie: "It's not bad enough I have to watch you throw yourself at him every day? And now you want to make sure that I see it up close and personal?"
Susan: "No, it's not like that."
Mike: "I've gotta take off. But I'll call you about Wednesday night, okay?"

Edie rolls her eyes and turns back to the house.

Susan: "Edie, wait! Uh... Mike and I were gonna go see the movies on Wednesday and I just thought it would be fun if you'd join us."
Edie: "You want me to come with you."
Susan: "Yeah. Yeah, that's okay, isn't it Mike?"
Mike: "Well, it's uh, a limited engagement and it's sold out. I only got two tickets."

Edie looks annoyed and walks toward her front door again.

Susan: "Edie, wait! Um, you should take my ticket."

She smiles and looks at Mike.

Edie: "Really? Is that okay with you, Mike?"
Mike: "Uh, yeah, sure."
Edie: "So, um, what time do you want to pick me up?"
Mike: "Well, um..."

As they talk, Susan looks off to the side, where Julie emerges quietly. She has the measuring cup hidden behind the Frisbee she's holding.

Susan breathes a sigh of relief as Julie walks off.

Cable Guy's House

The cable guy is in his living room, wearing an arm sling and a neck brace. Someone knocks on the door.

He calls out, "Hang on."

He opens the door. It's Carlos, who punches him immediately. The cable guy falls on the floor and Carlos kicks him.

Carlos: "You think you can have sex with anyone you want? Huh?"

"Carlos couldn't help but feel proud of himself. After all, he just defended his honor. Or had he?"

Carlos looks around, noticing on the wall a poster for the Broadway show, "Gypsy," framed pictures of half-naked men and, on the coffee table, a framed picture of the cable guy in the arms of another man.

Carlos: "Are you gay?"
The Cable Guy: "Yes. Is that why you're doing this?"
Carlos: "Uh, yeah."

Carlos leaves, slamming the door behind him.

Lynette and Gabrielle are coming slowly down the sidewalk from Lynette's house when Paul stops them.

Paul: "Ladies."
Lynette: "Hey, Paul. What's up?"
Paul: "I wanted to apologize for my outburst yesterday."
Lynette: "Don't worry about it. We unloaded a lot on you."
Paul: "I suppose you're wondering why I reacted so violently to that note."
Gabrielle: "It did cross our minds."
Paul: "Well, the truth is, Mary Alice was not a well person. She was very troubled."
Lynette: "Troubled?"
Paul: "At first, it was harmless. She would leave herself notes. Reminders like pick up the milk, or Zach has a dentist appointment. But over time, the notes became ugly. Hateful messages began showing up. Mary Alice was writing them, to me, to Zach, to herself."
Gabrielle: "Really?"
Paul: "That's why I lost it. I was reminded of what Zach and I had been through."
Lynette: "Paul, I'm so sorry."
Gabrielle: "We had no idea."
Lynette: "No."
Paul: "Well, anyway. I'd appreciate it if you kept it to yourselves."
Lynette: "Yeah."
Paul: "For Zach's sake."
Lynette: "Of course. Of course."

He walks off.

Gabrielle: "Wow."
Lynette: "Yeah."
Gabrielle: "I think he's lying."
Lynette: "So do I."

Lynette's House

Focus on various framed newspaper articles. The headlines read: "Scavo Promoted to Vice President," "What's Next for Whiz Kid Lynette Scavo?" and "Scavo Awarded Woman of the Year."

Lynette is looking at them as she hears her twins playing. They run around the house with toy airplanes.

Lynette gets up and calls the boys into the kitchen. One of the twins complains that the other broke his plane. The other twin denies it.

Lynette: "We'll talk about that later. Right now, I need you to take some medicine."
Twin: "Are we sick?"
Lynette: "Not exactly. This is a special kind of medicine. It's, it's like a vitamin and you'll take it everyday, okay?"

She tries to open the vial of pills and they spill out everywhere. She tells the boys to stay right there and she bends down to pick them up. When she straightens, they're gone. She hears giggling, and looks underneath the table, where the boys are sitting there.

Lynette: "Now open up."
Twin: "Mmm mm."
Lynette: "Here you -- guys!"

She holds the pill out in front of each of the boys' mouths, but they refuse to take it.

She gives up and smiles.

"In that moment, Lynette made a decision. When it came to dealing with her children, medication was no longer an option."

Lynette puts the pills back in the vial and hugs the boys.

Later, as she watches them jump from the couch onto a pile of pillows, she sits at the table, drinking from a bottle of wine.

"Of course, given her continuing level of frustration, Lynette also felt a little self medication couldn't hurt."

Bree's House - Andrew's Room

Bree is cleaning Andrew's room while he lies on his bed.

Bree: "So what's your strategy? You're just never gonna speak to me again?"
Andrew: "Something like that."
Bree: "I suppose I do owe you an apology."
Andrew: "Careful. I wouldn't want you to strain yourself."
Bree: "I shouldn't have lied to you about your father. You and sister are old enough to handle the truth and I'm sorry."
Andrew: "Keep going. I'm mad at you for about seven thousand other things."
Bree: "If you think I'm going to apologize for taking you out of a strip club, you're wrong. I consider it one of my finest moments."

He snorts.

Bree: "Oh, Andrew. I know you blame me for what's happening with your father, but it's not entirely my fault and I need you to understand that."
Andrew: "I do. I just don't want him to leave."
Bree: "Neither do I."
Andrew: "Mom?"
Bree: "Yeah."
Andrew: "When can I have my door back."
Bree: "Three months."

He groans.

Gabrielle's Bathroom

On the TV, a news reporter stands in front of the cable guy's house. The headline on the screen reads: "Gay Rights Advocate Victim of Hate Crime"

Reporter: "Royal Oaks was the scene of a hate crime today when Jonathan Lithgow, local gay activist and part-time female impersonator was brutally attacked in his home. Lithgow speculated the attack was in response to his efforts to secure same-sex partner insurance coverage from his employer, Clifside Cable.

Carlos and Gabrielle are in a bubble bath together, watching the news. As Carlos plays with her hair, Gabrielle begins to get suspicious.

Reporter: "Police are circulating this sketch of the assailant."
The Cable Guy: "I have to say uh, you know, circumstances speak for themselves. I've taken a strong stance with my company."

As he talks, Gabrielle looks shocked.

Carlos: "Is there something you want to ask me?"
Gabrielle: "No."

Outside, nighttime

That evening, Mrs. Huber walks up to Susan, who's sitting on her own front porch.

Mrs. Huber: "You took it, didn't you?"
Susan: "Good evening, Mrs. Huber."
Mrs. Huber: "It's my own fault for not hiding the cup. Obviously, if you're capable of arson, I should have known you'd be capable of breaking and entering."
Susan: "I don't know what you're talking about Mrs. Huber."
Mrs. Huber: "I suppose you destroyed it."
Susan: "Again, I don't know what you're talking about, but yeah. I did."
Mrs. Huber: "I was going to keep your secret. It's a shame you couldn't trust me."
Susan: "You're a piece of work. You know that?"
Mrs. Huber: "Oh, Susan. Let's not be unpleasant. We can go back to the same friendly relationship we've always had."
Susan: "I will keep my lawn looking nice. And I will make sure that my music isn't played too loud, and if I get some of your mail, heck, I'll run it right over. Cause that's what good neighbors do. But from now on, when I run into you in the street and I say good morning, Mrs. Huber, or how are you, Mrs. Huber, just know, that inside, I am quietly, but decidedly hating your guts."
Mrs. Huber: "Careful, dear. Let's not say things we'll live to regret."
Susan: "Good evening, Mrs. Huber."

Mrs. Huber turns and leaves with Susan watching.

The four woman are seated around a table.

Susan: "He actually said Mary Alice was crazy?"
Lynette: "Not in so many words. But everything Paul said certainly made it seem like she was schizophrenic."
Gabrielle: "I think he's hiding something. I know it."
Bree: "Wait. What about the tape? I mean, she did say that her name was Angela."
Lynette: "Mary Alice was not crazy."
Bree: "Well, my father was a prosecutor and he always said that the simplest explanation was usually the right one."
Susan: "But remember what the note said? I know what you did. It makes me sick and I'm going to tell. That's not the kind of thing someone writes to themselves. It's a message. Sent by an enemy."

Paul's House

In a darkened house, a detective sits at a table and looks at the note that Paul had. Paul walks slowly to the window to look out.

Detective: "So, exactly what is it you hired me to do?"
Paul: "It's very simple, really. Someone sent that note to my wife. And I need to know who."

"What type of person would send such a note? Was it an enemy? Of course. But what kind? An acquaintance? A stranger? Or how about a neighbor that lives a few feet away."

~ The End ~

This spoiler episode was completed on November 19, 2004 by Amanda Lane (desperate_housewives at yahoo dot com)
Last Update: January 9, 2006

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