Episode 01.01 - "Pilot" Twin: "What's that?" Lynette: "Santa's cell phone number." Twin: "How'd you get that?" Lynette: "I know someone who knows someone who knows an elf. And if any of you acts up, so help me, I will call Santa and tell him you want socks for Christmas. Are you willing to risk that?" Carlos: "At the Donahue party, everyone was talking mutual funds and you found a way to mention you slept with half of the Yankee outfielders." Gabrielle: "I'm telling you, it came up in the context of the conversation." Julie: "Mom, why would someone kill themselves?" Susan: "Well, sometimes people are so unhappy, they think that's the only way they can solve their problems. " Julie: "But Mrs. Young always seemed happy." Susan: "Yeah. But sometimes, people pretend to be one way on the outside, when they're totally different on the inside." Julie: "Oh, you mean like how dad's girlfriend is always smiling and says nice things, but deep down, you just know she's a bitch? " Susan: "I don't like that word, Julie. But yeah, that's a great example." Mary Alice: "So what did Carl say when you confronted him?" Susan: "You'll love this. He said, it doesn't mean anything. It was just sex. And then he got this Zen look on his face and said, you know, Susan, most men live lives of quiet desperation." Lynette: "Please tell me you punched him." Susan: "No, I said, really? And what do most women lead? Lives of noisy fulfillment? I mean, of all people, did he have to bang his secretary? I had that woman over for brunch." Gabrielle: "It's like my grandmother always said. An erect penis doesn't have a conscious." Lynette: "Even limp ones aren't all that ethical." Susan: "I just don't know how I'm going to survive this." Mary Alice: "Listen to me. We all have moments of desperation. But if we face them head on, that's when we find out just how strong we really are." Susan: "Hey, hey, do you have a death wish?" Mike: "No, I just refuse to believe that anybody can screw up macaroni and cheese. [puts bite of macaroni in his mouth] Oh my god. How did you - it takes like it's burnt and undercooked." Susan: "Yeah, I get that a lot." Julie: "How long has it been since you've had sex?" Susan: [looks silently at Julie] Julie: "Are you mad that I asked you that?" Susan: "No, I'm just trying to remember." Carlos: "It's business. Tanaka expects everyone to bring their wives." Gabrielle: "Every time I'm around that man, he tries to grab my ass." Carlos: "I made over $200,000 with him last week. If he wants to grab your ass, you let him." Andrew: "I'm saying, do you always have to serve cuisine? Can't we just have food? Bree: "Are you doing drugs?" Andrew: "What?" Bree: "Change in behavior is one of the warning signs and you have been fresh as paint over the last six months. That would explain why you're always locked in the bathroom." Danielle: "Trust me, that is not what he is doing." Andrew: "Shut up." Gabrielle: "Well, he promised to give me everything I've ever wanted." John: "And did he?" Gabrielle: "Yes." John: "So why aren't you happy?" Gabrielle: "I wanted all the wrong things." John: "So do you love him?" Gabrielle: "Yes." John: "Then why are we here? Why are we doing this?" Gabrielle: "Because I don't want to wake up one morning with a sudden urge to blow my brains out." John: "Hmm. Hey, can I have a drag?" Gabrielle: "Absolutely not. You're much too young to smoke." Susan: "So, is that your project for school? You know, when I was in fifth grade, I made the White House out of sugar cubes." Julie: "Stop stalling and go. Before Mike figures out he can do better." Susan: "Tell me again why I fought for custody for you." Julie: "You were using me to hurt dad." Susan: "Oh, that's right." Susan: "I have a clog." Mike: "Excuse me?" Susan: "And you're a plumber, right?" Mike: "Yeah." Susan: "The clog's in the pipe." Mike: "Yeah, That's usually where they are." Rex: "Bree, are we gonna talk about what I said?" Bree: "If you think that I'm gonna discuss the dissolution of my marriage in a place where the restrooms are labeled Chicks and Dudes, you're out of your mind." Rex: "I can't believe you tried to kill me." Bree: "Yes, well, I feel badly about that. I told you, Mrs. Huber came over, and I got distracted. It was a mistake." Rex: "Since when do you make mistakes?" Bree: "What's that supposed to mean?" Rex: "It means that I'm sick of you being so damn perfect all the time. You're this plastic suburban housewife with her pearls and her spatula who says things like We owe the Hendersons a dinner." Where's the woman I fell in love with? Who used to burn the toast and drink milk out of the carton? And laugh. I need her. Not this cold perfect thing you've become." Susan: "I thought you were - Uh, where were you?" Mike: "I just got back from the movies. So, Edie had a fire, huh?" Susan: "Yeah. Yeah, but she's fine now. Everything's fine now."	05-22-05: Updated the formatting